Service was quite good...I was just in tears when the pastor was preaching about hudson taylor and how the mum was praying for his conversion....and the quote that he said, which was 'there was nothing left to do, but to accept his love and salvation and praise Him evermore...' and i was like, yeah, praising God is a result of that gratitude of His love.


went jamming today with my own band, pretty pretty cool! played bass at the start, was good (mebbe coz of the teh tarik)... tried out the jet's 'are you gonna be my girl?' and eh i think that was about it that we tried...haha. dunno. was quite messed up lol...=) what else did we try? still it was nice jamming, getting e energy up...yay. its nice coz i can decide a bit like what who's going to play and all that.... which i really can't when i'm playing with others. dont' want to impose, see. sians. justin came along for e ride, thanks alot man.

mm i think i've got a nice collection of songs for e band to work on already.... the pseudo-punk of 'happy', with the chord prog taken subconsciously from metallica which crescendoes into a chorus, the new song, 'time will slip by' (ballad style), 'i cannot expect', which is more a rhythmic guitar flaming-lips style song with a descending chord prog, 'nobody cares'' pop-punk, 'runaway now' dance influenced, and 'for you', a love song.... gotta keep writing songs and jam and jam man, i really want to record some kinda EP or something. for gang's part 'limbo' is still full of promise and the dynamic duo of 'holiday' and 'invincible' makes for interesting jamming with energy.

jamming is fun! lol.

the tele is good also.



mm the week has been rather interesting, but quite good. monday and tuesday was quite in limbo. got a new officer in town, who's from acjc. sigh. kinda weird esp when we have so many common friends, but it's fine, i'll respect authority. wednesday and the music started coming back, esp with midicode. u'll know. spoke with interesting people. thursday was spent sleeping early coz i was really so shacked. friday was good coz i managed to write songs and really feel so emotional, seeing the trees and thinking how beautiful they looked, how melancholic, how sad, the future and the past, well i can't describe it now, but there was a kind of beauty in its weakness, as though they had life: the emotions were welling, i wrote a song. the melodies were pitched nicely in my head, nergaard's 'the waltz' and all of them. that one also. lite jazz style, but melancholic. it was nice it was nice. played tennis later on wasn't good, ahhh, it really sucked. oh well. give and take i guess. physical and musical dont' go well together: i kept trying for e down the lines. mmm. gotta work on that.

saturday was really cool, got the italk...watched sideways which was really hilarious. great company really, seriously, esp during and after e show, and at dinner at fish n co, dave, gang, ck, zhihon, daniel, lim aik, zonglun...great company u guys were, pls invite me more! haha. tho i'm not from ri i'll behave myself i promise. had some meeting at starbucks, went to dan's house. fun. mm. okay u guys are cool i'd admit that=) ac not so cool at all. haha.

sunday and i'm jamming! yeah!

It was supposed to last but I know some things wouldn't. Especially when you stray it's harder to come back. At least I believe, I believe. I have always believed and I will always believe. Some things wouldn't change, not when you've experienced it. It's just that the conditions change somewhat. i'm not sure if they were meant to change, but they just did.

oh heck the melancholia. it always ruins everything. always leaves everything dry and discarded and withered, as though you were just waiting to die, clinging on to your dear life, looking at the past and hope it doesn't slip away. that's the problem about looking back. it can only go downhill. surmising your life and wondering how you ever got to such a sad state from where you were must be so depressing. and since your frame of reference was the past, you'll never be able to match it anyway.
so you ask stupid questions like:

'why can't life be like last time?'

and you don't realise that, maybe if you stopped being so negative and started looking at what you could do in the future, of course things can be much better, if you'd only opened your eyes, and started looking at life. frustration and irreverance gets me nowhere, mister, you just have to work at the little bits and pieces and start over from there. and nothing is more disturbing than fear. fear has motivated so much, but promised so little. fear, like looking back, fear of losing everything.

i have just rediscovered 'belle and sebastian' again. i've been reading their blog. no wonder they actually write good music. i'd like to think it's a product of believing in God and also actually thinking about life. too many bands simply play, they hardly think or feel. but listening to 'fox in the snow' and 'get me away from here i'm dying', i got a small sense that they actually knew where they were coming from. it's timeless music that's designed to last.

today was oddly chummy. it was prancing down waterloo street with my camp prayer group singing phantom of the opera tracks. or singing 'dip it low'. or playing with the food or the water at the really nice restaurant that we went to, courtesy of shang's good recommendation. for your info, it's at the old mg along waterloo street, brilliant place, fantastic food. it was forgetting your cares and thinking:
if these are my friends, they'd accept who I am. i'm too tired to pretend any longer. i'm too tired to pretend I'm cool, I'm classy, I'm calculated, when I am really just a bundle of nerves and emotions.

I find pretending rather wasteful. especially to the mind.

God once asked Peter (in the Bible) "Do you love me more than these?". It's a really pertinent question to apply to my life as well. alot of times i inadvertantly lose sight of the PERMANENT and UNCHANGABLE fact that God is and always will be the centre of my life, and that creates alot of problems. because when things that aren't made to be God become God, then the whole system is skewed and messed up, because God didn't intend those things (they can be anything, i'm just saying) to be the centre. and when those things become the centre you can never enjoy them anymore, because they then become almost God-like and you are destroyed by the guilt that the Spirit puts inside of you that you are putting something above God. and so it's lose-lose. you don't put God first, which you should really do, and then you don't enjoy anything, because your life is just a sporadic clinging-on to something that is not meant to be clung on to, in that aspect, but is meant to just be enjoyed whenever it comes. and it will come.

so it's not so good. so help me God. please.


i will love you God more than any of these things. purify my heart so I may see you and your glorious will which is always perfect, better than anything else.

and i have to stop judging people. i realised that God made us all differently. even though we will in the end be like Christ, that's the moral aspect; we are still created differently, just as we have different names and different traits. and so i have to really empathise and understand everyone else and where they are coming from, instead of trying to force my agenda upon them, or trying to convert them, or change them to what i would like of them. i have rather to respect our differences and respect the fact that I am made differently. and to develop in all areas. to do my best. not to be tired and always so tired and stoned, like a dead person without any life in him. but i have to grow and to be human again. to revitalise myself. to ask God for nourishment and growth. and then will i run the race strong again. for i cannot save myself but He can.

so shall i remind myself.

The brain has to work. The brain has been left in utter lack of inspiration since the longest time--the SPH essay confirmed my utmost fears, that, to my horror and chagrin, what i thought was a brain was really just a stump.

a stump that blurs my eyes to a person i am speaking with, too afraid and insecure to look at him in the eye. a martyr complex that makes me refuse to protect myself in the event that i may offend. a syndrome, of being ignored. and most of all, the worst; a brain freeze. a brain freeze that leaves me even unable to actually capture what was really being said.

i should go and see a shrink. to allay my worst fears. perhaps i'm normal after all. i'm just misunderstood. but i've never seen myself as normal. no, no. it has always been, attention-seeking, perhaps. all because of my lack of natural abilities that such tactics have to come in to play a part. i can never accept the fact that i will never be like some others. (i have to learn, yes, God accepts me (after I repent, of course) the way He created me) but, oh, does it hurt sometimes. when you are incapable of saying anything useful.

i don't know, i always thought you could be life. but now whatever life i used to have might have been flushed out of me.

i have to sacrifice, yes, to give the best i have to love, and even if nothing comes back in return, it doesn't matter, perhaps i would be happy.
because one friend used to tell me that was all that mattered. what you believed in. it didn't matter what you would have gotten in return for what you did, but somehow you were happy with yourself.

that said, dont' go to max brenner. an absolute waste of time. haagen daaz is a much better proposition. that place is overrated and with lousy service. and i had such a weird dream which featured people that i had met last night, and it was quite weird just to say the least.

this week has been a good week so far, thank God. i've been reading a new book my prayer session brought me, which is 'Under Cover' by John Bevere. It's a wake-up call to obedience, to tell me to truly be a disciple and to intimately know God. to obey God = to love God, because 'if you love me, you will obey my commands.' what an important thought. there was quite a scary thought from Matthew 7 in how Jesus said 'Away from you, you evildoers! I never knew you!' and sometimes it just scares me and I hope i'll never be one of them. But perhaps I shall just take comfort in the fact that God will not tempt you more than you can bear. Hopefully. Please God.

been playing on the piano again, and i wrote a Christian song which was not bad. quite okay. i realised that usually my pitching is often too sharp and i just have to flatten it in my brain and then the chords on the piano sound full and nice and rounded. too often it just sounds outta tune, because my brain is outta tune. it's maddening. haha. 3rds flattened and 5ths raised are so really important, though. i keep harping on it but yeah.


i am tired but its chinese new year. happy chinese new year!

Mm im feeling very melancholic now, man. i can feel the emotions swelling and the feelings and all that. just feeling really lonely, needing people. sigh. when im in this mood i realise i treat people a whole lot better. and i really mean it. because somehow i value them more.

i was definitely more melancholic last time, say j1. i actually liked it. sigh. wonder why i've become all so sanguine and so insensitive nowadays. i was definitely more considerate and caring and sensitive last time. but now after the As (long time ago actually) i kept trying to get as much fun as i possibly could, which meant that i couldn't really care for others, couldn't really be sensitive, kept trying to be sanguine, to achieve, etc. losing all my humanity in the process. i just hope i can leave that train that is headed for ruin to find more humanity in my life, and for a new purpose.

It's been an eventful week. it's been very tiring. but still i'm glad and thankful that things are still relatively solvent. it's not been easy, like i said, but i can't hope for anything else.

it started off with a relatively nice sunday being damn stoned with churchmates at zouk and going out to TCC with darren n co and later played pool. it was not bad, really. had a really tiring tuesday doing the SPH test which got my brains all messed up. wednesday had to work until 10. thursday i had to work until 11 for band. took off yesterday to record at chee's house and later met liang sim mel and lijing for dinner. quite enjoyable. the bubbly was good. mm. and i was addicted to the smith's 'there is a light that never goes out'. brilliant song man. it absolutely got me hooked for a real long time.

ken was trying to sell me some network marketing concept thing which i obviously rejected. wont' want to tarnish the image of the company that he's working for, so i shouldn't say anything else.


And for me, my philosophy of life has always been to try to blend in, to have harmony. People always look at me and they immediately assume I have no opinions, no ideas, no nothing, and is just there to make up the numbers. They don't realise that it's so much more complicated than that. For me I'm always looking at the big picture, how are the personalities complimenting each other? Do I have to be the talkative one, or should I allow people to come more into the conversation? I hate hogging the spotlight. I used to, last time perhaps, when I wasn't at all mellow, being damn loud and don't-care-two-hoots-of-what-people-think. But now i've learnt how to take a back seat and look and observe more. i like it more, like this. it gives others breathing space. but how? people think i have no opinions. i have no nothing, no understanding of connotations. just bland, like milk. how wrong they must be. i shall not attempt to disillusion them (and they will never read this blog anyway, so i won't even have the chance to), why waste my time? but for the more enlightened souls out there, this is my defence.

damn i feel incredibly lonely today, on a saturday night with no one to connect with. it's the lows after the party highes.

hello mel! thanks a mil for going out with me! (for the uninitiated, she's not actually going out with me, she has a boyfriend for goodness sakes, but yeah, okay you could probably call it meeting up. )
but it's been fun man. i mean yeah thanks for understanding and everything and i hope i can update this blog more for your reading pleasure.

okay enuff.
hello everyone. just have to say i just got a call from SPH: my journalism writing test is on tuesday. quite excited. i mean this is like the first interview in a long long time and pray everything goes well. i just so hope it does. just today the going out was pretty good; i mean sometimes you feel so negative about life and you're wondering how you're really so isolated from everyone else being in army and stuff (okay the usual gripe) but then you meet someone who can bring you back to brighter days and days of sunshine and remind you of things that happened in the past and you realise that army is just a passing stage after all and very soon it'll end and we can go back to our normal pleasures. but it's been fun, huh.

one thing i've really learnt in church on sunday: God's suffering on the cross was truly physical. i mean christians had always known that but rarely did it sink in for me; i mean the fact that it was physical meant that everyone could relate to it. it wasn't just some postmodernist concept of pain. like, oh, it's all in the mind, and stuff, but it was really a fully-blown pain and suffering and of physical and emotional seperation from God that just makes me want to sing 'amazing love, how can it be, that you my king would die for me?' i mean that song has always been beautiful to my ears, but as I sung it on sunday it took on a whole new meaning. i felt i was singing it out to God.

on the music side, my new song has been called many things. 'wuxia', for one. like 'kongfu movies'. swordfighting. totally the opposite of what i intended. never mind, i'll try again. but i did like it quite alot and it kept playing in my head on friday, saturday and even on sunday as i visited my grandma in hospital.

seriously the last weekend was very rewarding for me, the long weekend of haji and everything else. i managed to find that bit of fun and joy in the things that i was doing. i played soccer on friday morning, managed to dribble past alot of pple especially at the start did one great run and later on beat weian on the right and crossed; managed to loft 2 good passes, lobang one person 2 times, etc. but on the whole our team played not so good. but it's okay. lan was a disaster. couldnt' do anything at all. haha. but later on the highlight was watching hotel rwanda, because it's such a show of soul and of humanity, tragedies usually are, that makes you want to appreciate life even more, and the happiness of it. the new song i've been writing also reared its head then. and the images were so real, and plus the fact that it's a real show also struck me even more. and when they sang the african song when the nuns came in i could cry at any moment. and today i watched e show again and tears welled up in my eye the moment at the end when paul met his 2 daughters and brought them to safety, with the haunting african song in the background. i mean it's a brilliant show definitely.

and saturday was quite a bore, seriously. but sunday was not bad. the service itself was very good, like i said before. and i managed to catch some sleep. thank God.

=)

I was just reminded that like 5 years ago I was still learning to play the piano, being fetched around to Mrs Cheah's house, playing soccer after MEP class in ACS(I), walking around in the refactory with my classmates, ordering funny sang mee....think back seven years ago and I'd just enrolled into ACS(I), buying my books and sitting in Math lessons with my 1A textbook. It seems so real far away, but it's only 5, or 7 years, ago. I used to think time passes so quickly, but really there is still enough time.

And i'm falling sick again, danggit...

I haven't blogged in a while, because I've been too busy having fun; it's when you're having fun that you're least inclined to blog, really: so that means that since last week things were looking pretty good.

Monday, 10/01/2005, and the day was absolutely horrible. listened to belle nad sebastian in the daytime but got bored after that; still, the music at night was very good. could hear the thirds and sixths flattened with the midicode program. like bliss, the music. i can't really remember what it felt but i was able to listen to music, tunes, and write some songs as well. being melodic. and on MSN i was really able to chat very well and connect with others, not having any of that negativity that used to bog me down, like when your mind suddenly shoots out questions like, 'is that right?' or 'really?' and you are just able to be positive about everything. it's a feeling.

tuesday, and i was able to write a very good song, in my opinion. melodic and easily accessible, yet lending itself to jazzed-up/souped-up versions more easily than my other songs, in other words, flexible. hopefully i'll be able to write some good lyrics for it. mm. we went for band practice too. still darn busy.

wednesday and it was band performance. nothing much to say.

thursday, and i wanted to take off, but i couldn't, so i just hung around. met daryl and friends later on and really i haven't had such a wacky time in so long. we were just laughing over ice-cream at haagen daaz, irritating the waitresses, (there's a certan perverse pleasure in doing that) and making stupid comments about some girl and other things and photos and a cheekopeh pose. hah. it's times like these that makes you want to relive them. just for the sheer high. HIGH. because gravity has no more effect on U=) (like this) the dominant song was ocean colour scene's 'the day we caught the train'--oh ooh lala. tried to tune the tele to play that.

friday, and i went out with chris tham and stacey and wen hui to play tennis at stacey's condo, which was quite fun really coz all of them can play quite well and it was funny. haha. we went swimming later on and later adjourned to novena square. i was damn shagged by then man. slept like a pig.

saturday and i had music practice. could feel the rhythm coming again man. and at night i tried to be a good friend and went with gang to ms lim's husband's pool place in clarke quay, freakin espensive. like, 22 bucks for covr and 12 per hour for pool. haha. ridiculous. man u won tho, and arsenal lost! bad day bad day at the games...

sunday, and i had a great time with samuel debbie plus the chiangmai mates. we were just so able to bond so well in the chiangmai discussions and even in dcg and all that. i found i've really started to grow and love mt carmel and the people and the fellowship there coz now i can feel like it's really home for me. i mean my old cell and the mission trippers are pple whom i can identify with and who really accept me and whom i respect and love as well. we went to watch tiger cup after that and the atmosphere was electrifying, it was like national day parade man. so many people all in red! but singapore really deserved it, their game plan was just perfect, and the spirit was really really good, i could feel it. wonderful. the cheering was all in good fun, and like our voices were sore after that. damn i'm almost falling sick arleady (monday). later on we went to el-amin to eat, and so concludes the nice week and weekend.

one thing that's real positive is that i'm so much more able to empathise with people again. as in, to realise that people are actually living, they have souls inside them, and they are able to feel emotions just as i can, (it's obvious really but sometimes you dont' realise these things) and so i try my best to be able to work sensitively to respond to them and to be able to bring about good emotions in them. (this sounds like so robotic but okay u noe what i mean) i mean sometimes i'm just so stoned and i'm so unable to catch what people are saying, but really sometimes like just then i was able to really feel and understand other pple. and to know that there are souls all around us. it's possibly to do with humility as well. i mean back in RJC, we were very democratic. everyone's opinions mattered. i mean, we valued diversity and we like learnt from each other and stuff. but now in army things are so different, because i see alot of things that i dont like and my immediate instinct is to withdraw and i feel like somehow im better but maybe (and most likely) i'm not. and i begin to become almost absolute-monarchy, trying to block out the rest, trying to influence others and make them like me, thinking that only i have the keys to knowledge and fine arts and eveyrthing good. but of course it's not true. and when i start having this new bad mindset to put out the bad influences ahd the people of army i inevitably bring that along to my own private life as well. which sucks. which means i'm blocking out the people whom i used to enjoy living with. sigh. so here's to democracy. and i realised that i'm so much more able to feel and love others again. when there's not so much pride inside me thats when things are much better. and i feel like i can communicate with God again. because i have to realise that God is a living God as well, a soul, a burning consumate fire, who feels and has emotions--not like the sun, who is constant but is not living--God, though, is living, and unless i realise that, and when i speak to Him i realise that i'm actually communicating and having a relationship by talking, i won't be able to really communicate effectively. but this weekend it seems like i was able to be sincere in what i said and feel like im actually speaking to a being. to love God is the foundation for everything else. and everything is about relationships, inevitably. i mean, we could all live by ourselves and love ourselves, but really if i love you and you love me it's ten times better than i loving myself and u loving myself. i mean sometimes i don't exchange gifts because i think practically it makes more sense to buy things that u like, that's so an economomist pt of view, but what u miss out with that mindset is that when people exchange gifts they put a bit of their soul into the present and that the gift will inevitably link you to the giver. same with relationships. much betta to share man.

God still cares about me, I'm so blessed. Thank you God. You may not actually feel the actual moment, but in the overall spirit, you know He's there. I can't expect too much but to thank Him for everything. I realised that He is there for me and that He loves me. The problem was that perhaps I used to think that our God is just someone who craves for your attention all the time and all that; that's just misguided; I have to realise that He is someone who loves, He's a God of love, and because of that great love for us, we can only love him, naturally, out of the fact that we are touched by His love, not because we are forced to do so by way of intellectual reasoning and logic, but because we naturally want to do so, we are voluntarily doing it, because we are emotionally touched. And today I somehow felt that love again. It's all because Jesus died for our sins and He died for all and for the worst sins, and so it's all been paid for. I am free. And if he paid for our sins, who are we to judge them? it's all been paid for. And how the devil is lurking at every corner trying to devour us, and how we have to recognise this and pray and ask for guidance and do what we feel is best in our hearts. Because your love covers it all.
And the obvious guide to whether God's with me or not is whether I'm confident or I'm just nervous and flippant and all that. With God His Spirit gives me strength and perseverance, I'll just allow Him to work in me to make me new again, fresh again, born again. No negative thoughts. Erase. Erase. But let good things flow. Like Joshua, to be bold and courageous, to step out in faith. And really when you know God's working is through people; I was at a prayer meeting today and the things that we just discussed just made me realise how beautiful and loving God is, and on my way home i started a song to Him about His love, and later on I said that I wanted to ask my parents to go for prayer meeting, I prayed about it and asked them to be receptive, and yeah they were. i mean it's these things that are important. when you are, yourself, willing to do something for God then you open the door for Him to lead you and all that, but I have to be willing alright. It's how this love is passed on; people love me for who I am, God loves me, so shall I pass that love on. it's too selfish to keep it to myself.

And about music. I was singing the song to God on my way home and voila it's amazing how everything just seems miraculously in tune, especially my ear. i mean, even the 3rds and 6ths are flattened automatically and i can hear melodies again. because I told God, that He has given me a gift for melody and I shouldnt' just waste it away, and He allowed me to write a bit of the verse with real melody. and when i played the guitar, i was shocked at how out of tune it was; immediately i could tell which note was off; i hooked it up to a tuner and yeah it was so off man. i mean, it's not that music and God is mutually inverse; God made music anyway, and so cleaving to Him first will then allow me to be in the right state of mind and have the right connections in my brain to write good music because I am with God and His peace will bring joy and comfort and that calm will bring good music, not to mention Him giving me melodies. I remembered last time I always trusted God first for music, and it was like, we were just little small computers plugged to a big server (God) (sorry for taht bad analogy, haha), and now im trying to download alot of the data to my own hard disk, but that's just bad. because it's pressurising trying to keep these data on my own, there's no security, and there's no inspiration for new songs and i just feel so insecure trying to keep them on my own. so shall i put these back into the server for the joy of the world and just rely on God for everything.

And the great thing about being with God is that I am less prone to being swayed by the ways of the world. I used to think that everything was cool, being flippant and all; now i stand firm and i know what is good and what is not, and there is plenty of things out there that i thought was cool and good but really are not. and i have to stand, firm, unwavering. yes. even lots of music that i thought were good are actually not very good after all.

Yay. I'm quite happy now. i'm trying to be a testimony to all, especially to my family. for it is written, "Let no one look down on you because you are young, but in speech, conduct, love, faith,
and purity, show yourselves an example to those who believe."
1st Timothy 4:12
I was always hampered perhaps by the perception that I'm young and unable to do anything, but yeah, I can still be testimony. youth doesn't hamper anything.

Man, there's been so much going on, so well, i thought i'd better blog and blog what i wanted to say:

CHIANGMAI

So I'm back from a wonderful mission trip in Chiangmai, of all things beautiful. And so, I thought I'd better blog a little bit about Chiangmai before I forgot everything that has happened, and the thoughts that accompanied it.

well, for starters, i wasn't really enthusiastic about it; i mean, I'll be spending one christmas there, leave my old friends back home (of course i'd have stronger church friendships), etc. and wasn't it a bit of a chore, as missions trips always are? But really they were just misconstrued thoughts that shouldn't have been, for the trip was enjoyable from the start. especially the weather, which was just perfect, cold for sleeping, a bit of sunshine in the daytime, and a nice peaceful calm about the whole place. we went to dr chaiyaan's house for a briefing, and what struck me was how everything we do is for the glory of God, everything. we were there to proclaim God's love, to be a living testimony for God. We were briefed about the strategy for the nong wai village (which was where we going to).

So the trip started; we proceeded to conduct an english camp at this campsite/chalet called sainanmin. about 23 youths participated, including some we got to know very well. a boy called view, who played guitar, and some youth from nong wai, etc. it was quite nice, we sang songs and played some games. acting games, telephone line, and other sports and stuff. ate this wonderful roti prata, took photos, and the place was really nice, had a running stream, and a really distinctive sainanmin lady character who was running the place; she was a former actress and she was still the joker (of course in thai), making everyone burst out in convulsive laughter during mealtimes. really started to blend in with the people there, the ladies, and all of them. i remembered the wonderful roti prata with condensed milk and sugar.

Later on, things became even better. We started actually staying at Nong-wai village itself, and it felt like a second home. On the first night there, I homestayed with this guy called jo, and he was really friendly and nice-- (i still keep in touch with him through email) ; I couldn't really communicate with his mom, but i guess the smiles and friendly gestures would more than suffice really for any lack of words. His house was quaint and nice, and we just sat at the mat and ate and talked with lots of smiling and a quick look at my thai-english dictionary (it didnt' really work ) before proceeding on to another villager's house where i met up with my other churchmates who were staying with that villager. and then everyone proceeded to look at photos of my churchmate's prom, girlfriend, et al, and then we were just communicating and talking in a wonderful spirit of friendliness, time just seemed to pass by so quickly.

I think what really struck me was the simpleness of the people, about how everyone was so simple and poor by our standards, but they were so content and happy, in this 'jaiyen' spirit of cool calm. nothing seemed to anger them, they just lived their lives in full respect of each other; there was just no stress, they were content. thats something we could learn from.

Later on we helped phi-tom and phi-am build a pathway between the house and the narada home (orphanage) that we were staying, which was sponsored by our church. It was really hard work going under the sun to lay the bricks one by one in the old cobble-stone way. Still, it was quite a bit of fun. saying stupid things (and having a competition to see who could say more) at the back of the home in the hot sun, pouring water onto cockroaches and ant farms and dipping each brick in water to get rid of ants, and even inscribing our names on the cement--it's still there! you can go see it! yeah, and besides, i really admire tom and am; it must take alot of commitment and effort to run an orphanage like that, in charge of 8 kids, without any real time away on their own, having to be at their best behaviour and all that; and somehow I realised maybe it's good and all, because you have the incentive to be at your best behaviour all the time, as a testimony for God to these people there. i realised man thats' what keeps them going, it's the love of God and the whole testimony thing. we sang 'jesus loves me' in thai at a local church too. other fun parts were playing volleyball on the village court, which was good for bonding, and i played soccer once with the thai youth, which was not bad. they were all damn fast but at least i could get into the game later on.

So the shopping began on a wednesday; went to the thai handicraft centre, got some photoframes, which i cant'f ind now, and some boxes; went to airport plaza, ate some wonderful beef noodles, couldn't find papaya salad, walked around with esther and looked for clothes, got myself a long-sleeved tee shirt and a really nice black shirt, though it's one size too big (L) but never mind, all my shirts are.... went to tesco, and later to a khantoke dinner with wonderful burmese curry, which left me coughing all over and asking for warm water-- in fact i still have a cough up to this day, one week since returning, thanks to the fried chicken there-- and later to the night bazaar, where i got some lamps. on thursday we conducted some christmas programme at a primary school. i was already feeling the weather; acted out a christmas skit, me as a wiseman, and later on we went shopping again, this time to central; ate beef noodles again. and later on there were lots of wonderful adidas tee shirts that i really should have bought, because they were very cheap comparatively. sigh. like 20 bucks. but again i procrastinated. and in the end, regretted. went over to a christmas party at someone's house with nice decors. really that's the only thing i remembered. but we went back to have some good rest. friday, and we conducted 6 christmas programmes in all for secondary school kids. all with games, like charades and stuff, and all with skits, and songs like the friendship song. man, damn shacked. went back to the handicraft shop to buy some souveneirs to sell in singapore and also to get a bag, which unfortunately was never used by anybody. (that's what always happens to my gifts, actually). at night was really fun! one of the highlights! CAROLLING! i always love christmas carolling, actually, because it's really nice just to be singing those joyful carols under the stars and having the christmassy spirit; we walked around the village singing songs like 'joy to the world' and others; i think the villagers must've been really touched and pleasantly surprised by our carols. it was really fun just walking in the dark also. mm. there was even one time where we were singing to an empty house with just a dog! man. my word. haha. and later on we sat on the back of an open-air pick-up and drove through the streets of chiangmai. i tell you, the experience of the wind rushing onto your face as you stick your head out of the pickup towards the front is just absolutely thrilling; it's fast, and its' cold, and there's a lovely scenery all around; especially in the night sky. at first it wasn't so good, but later on when the temperature drops all around and into christmas day itself one-two am in chiangmai, it was really surreal; everywhere the streets were quiet and there we were singing at the top of our voices 'i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't wanna fall asleep coz i miss you baby and i don't wanna msis a thing' with me playing the guitar even though my fingers were already half-numb--and we went to so many places, some really far away from nong-wai, and travelling on 12omph, now that's an unforgettable experience. we visited some ang-moh's house in this 'world club' part of chiangmai, which was quite big and nice, another ang-moh's house in the posh location somewhere near a school (i think), it was really antique and had an air of knowledge and history, and we were served thai porridge, good in the cold i guess. they had many guests...we travelled near the ping river and that was quite nice to watch as well, past the clubs. thai techno. haha. how interesting. visited dr chaiyun's house, was served really nice food as usual. took nice photos. LOL. on a staircase. visited the church pastor's house which was also nice. had wonderful tea and lovely dessert sweets.

so well. christmas day. woke up like at ten. slacked the whole evening. slacked some more. played more volleyball. and later on christmas programme: acted the skit again, played some games, sang songs, exchanged the gifts in a nice little game, took photos with jo and family...later on we had a nice sharing session and dr chaiyun gave us some certs and stuff, and then briefed us on how it was our testimony that was going to make the difference, for we believe because people we value also believed. something to that extent. sang songs late into the night, played bridge, talked a bit. man i can still remmeber all of that.

so the last day came, so sad. we went to church, sang 'fak kwam wang', ate a nice dish of wantan noodles, and set off for narada. all the homestay kids came to send us off to the airport, and we left narada with fondness in our hearts, for it was the place of great memories and where relationships were built and nurtured, and it was a place of joy. i'd remember it as a beacon of light in nong-wai. so we were at the airport, we prayed, we prayed for a continuation of everything that the mission trip has taught us, we learnt great things from it, and we prayed for the people in thailand that everything was going to be better than it was; we prayed for protection, we prayed for the kids that were coming down. hmm. we said goodbye with a tinge of sadness in our hearts to phee am and phee tom, for we really enjoyed their company and their warmth (at least i did), not to mention our immense gratitude for their hospitality. they are indeed a truly loving couple, one that loves, God, man, each other. so we went back on a plane that was quite interesting, perhaps because of a bit of gin tonic, and wine, which was nice, because getting into a bit of high was quite fun actually. because people think u're high so u can say what u like. tha'ts much better. =D LOL. okay i won't exactly go into details. but i wasn't exactly sleeping either, was i? i think not. there were intersting jokes. the water and the gin. etc. mm.

Mm, so well, apart from memories, (and the merits of duty free, of course) the more lasting things are the relationships you nurture over the trip. i really got to know the mission trippers much more, chris, ratty, evan, wenhui, esther, van, chunli, staccey, even chuckee, baoen and pastor jeremy, even though they aren't really my age-- yeahhh...i mean back in church today we were much closer. i could just sense that. comfortable with each other. able to joke and laugh at each other again. now that only comes through a relationship that is developed over time, and that's what i really desire with God also. what i really desire is a constant relationship, not one that only happens here and there at some points in your life. i really need that closeness. sigh. that's one of my new year resolutions--a closer walk with God. For today's message was just about that: psalms 23: it's about having a close walk with God, that you won't 'want' anything else, and you long for intimacy with him inwardly, and then the Lord will protect you even in the valley of the shadow of death. it's really the amazing truth. and yesterdays's saturday sermon was how we are to live an abundant life for Christ, by stepping out in faith, being bold and courageous (joshua), and being obedient to the Lord. our speaker yesterday defined success as being able to live the abundant life that God promised you as a believer, and i really want that: it just ties in with the whole idea of a closer walk.

so here are just some good christian song ideas that i might work with:

-laying down my pride and my crowns to follow God
-asking God to lead me and guide me wherever he might take me I will go
-having a close walk with God all the days of my life, from the morning to the evening, talking with Him intimately and knowing Him and all the plans He has for me. He's a living God, not one that is just up there and distant.
-Jesus, sweet Jesus, on the cross. it is because of the cross that I have life, and it is the greatest demonstration of His love, for greater love has no one than this, that he laid down his life for his friends.

-man i'm excited. just need to get good lyrics and music to frame these ideas into songs.

especially idea 3: i was just thinking, on saturday morning, how our God is just in control and knows every little nitty-gritty detail about my life, even the mundane, trivial, ones that I think he wouldn't be interested in; maybe i'm wrong. Nothing's too small and insignificant for Him to see. even the way i think which is pretty silly at times, or the small, even secular things, he also knows it. and he is interested in using that to shape me too. i was thinking about left-brain and right-brain, and i'm sure he would have known what i was thinking about. i was actually thinking that i needed to be able to use words more effectively to communicate, because in essence communication is all about using the right words to describe your feelings. using better words, and more accurate words, will allow me to avoid misunderstandings, and deepen friendships, because i am honest, because my choice of words can convey the message across better. because words have meanings that are so deep--that's the beauty of taking literature--and i need to regain that respect for words, individual words, choice words, before i get swept away by the flippant waves of slip-shoddity. (is there such a word? it's all about words)

So, about New Year, I celebrated it on a boat with some friends, mel, jing, nic, wenen, and the rj ac bunch... it was quite fun, drinking abit, looking at the stars and the scenery in the comfort and the nice rhythms of a boat, and how there was just the party mood there in the esplanade...lisetning to 'dig it low' and 'funkytown' in the bottom level of the boat, which was nicely wooden-panelled....it was quite fun. caught up a bit with mel and jing, talked, getting a bit high, taking photos with wen en and the rest of them, yeah, fun it was. caught up with adriel and mark also, people i haven't seen for ages. later on we went to crash a UWC party and that was really quite intesreting, because everyone just towered over us and everyone seemed to be drunk and slobbering in corners with girls. and the drinks were quite strong, no wonder. didn't really enjoy it. went back home and even had to call a cab to come. haha. well...

and on saturday morning, some thoughts came into my head:

"When i was in AC, or RJ, i was always known as an emotional person. I liked to have the whole range of emotions, the sadness and the highs, the laughter and the joy, all the works, it brought spice to everything. I just pray that I still have that, and have not stagnated to a one-fits-all medium which is a stale boring mediocrity, like plains that stretch for miles around without a hill in sight, without a hope to see the sea. it is those emotions which i crave now that can bring a sense of novelty and a sense of enchantment to each experience...For I traverse now the rugged terrains of every encounter before me, and keep with me a fresh new perspective, that every new encounter will bring about new joys and new relationships to keep, for we are never stagnant in time in the way relationships are never stagnant, but new people will come and old people will pass away. and i just have to be prepared for that eventual certainty, and move on and continue to live. not to go gently into the good night."

it has been a long post, and i'm tired. God bless the victims of the tsunami, and God bless 2005. God bless all of you, Amen.

i'll be off to chiangmai for ten days for mission trip; am rather excited though rather nervous too, not so sure how things will turn out; i covet your prayers, i know as this is God's work on the battlefield the evil one will be very vigilant and very aggressive in trying to detract us from His work, i covet your prayers for protection and for a great spirit and for the Holy Spirit to be among us all the time and for His presence to be with us. imperative, also, is for us to realise it's all for Him and not for us.

and hopefully i shall bring you great stories. yay. pray for my health too, please. thanks.

A great song; recommended....

Lamb-Gorecki

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

just had an incredible time playing the piano. ahhhh. i must really play classical music to get in the mood for writing, and being musical. i can finally hear the halo again, the blend, and not just the individual notes. it's back to those old times when my fingers just glide over the keys with the right pressure and muscle again. it's been very stiff, but now hopefully it's coming back.
yay. nice.

i just had an incredible Quiet Time with our Lord; it was great. it was quiet, and just for about five minutes just focussing on Him and bowing at His feet. and an incredible sense of peace. to shut out what i do not need. i have to worship You with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind, for You are Holy.

i pray very hard for wisdom. please help me. to do your will Amen.

i am praying very hard i do not fall sick, just to catch maybe the first half of arsenal vs chelsea. it's one of the biggest games of the season, how could you miss it? and besides, ive got my basic theory exam tomorrow morning; if i fail well, okay, fine. nvm. 6 dollars to watch a match is quite worth it.

i am in the mood when i want life to slow down, to sip wine and eat french bread and do some chores and go to the supermarket to shop for tonight's dinner in lazy bliss. to write lovey dovey jazz songs which are oh-so-slow and so delightful. of course, i am never going to be the culture that you have to be (to be successful in being a creator of that form of art, true art, i would call it); i am never going to be so refined, because i was never born aristocratic--and for the noveau-middle-class, good manners follows rather slowly afterwards--and so, for the moment i shall sit and hope that my brain doesn't function so clearly so that perhaps the muse could send some music down.

i have had a hectic weekend which was a load of fun; sometimes the party has to end, and now back to the humdrum of work. with God there is still hope, of course; work is but a necessity in the everyday scheme of things, just like life itself is necessary, and the mediocre bits are there just to ensure that the sublime moments are well-received and enjoyed.

on to monday.

Today started off as pure drag; it was absolutely sickening, especially in the office. coudln't get the brains functioning, everything was pure drivel.

but it was amazing what the most High God can do, in the end. i went down to church, and later on the worship was simply uplifting; i could feel God's presence, and i just hope that more of this would happen and there'll be a great revival. i pray.

when your mind is distracted about how to write a melody, figuring out a melody, etc, and you surrender it to God and everything, suddenly there is a great flood of joy and an uplifting that comes from within (it's definitely not the wind), and you feel the wind blowing and the wonderful peace that is around and you are happy.

that's when you are closer to God and that's where I want to be.

i shld've slept early on sat nite.....grrr. woke up on sunday with a terrible 38.7 deg fever, plus, it came complementary with diahorrea. oh the nightmare, the stiff chills in your knee joints, as though you can never straighten them, the cold that runs through your bones, and the worst thing is, the messy, 'boom-boom-boom', 'boom-boom-boom' rhythm thoughts that make every noise seem diabolical. man, i dread being sick. and diahooreaaa...... sigh. couldn't even walk to the clinic without having to relieve myself at the clinic toilet even before i got in.
how bad is that.

i shld've listened to pple.

sigh.

yesterday's QT was good; i really tried to make it an effort to focus on God, which sorta worked out okay;
it meant that today was better. i felt secure and comforted. and stable. on the way to bishan for my cousin's wedding tea ceremony i felt a nice sense of calm and listened to 'the waltz' and concentrating on the music once again... truly appreciating good intonation which is so-so important, i have to add.
because some music is just so nice. there is no rhythm. its just, music. and there are sublime moments when things are just floating and calm; i rweally can't describe it now, i've forgotten it.

but joyce's weedding was great....i loved the atmoshpere, the sermon on love, and my playing was good, thanks to God. i prayed beforehand, to commit the playing into HIs hands, by his power and His spirit, so that i may celebrate the occassion through music and, through music celebrate their love and give them something through music. it's the same principle: no matter what i do, i will commit it into God's hands because i can't do naything on my own anymore.

and later on it was so wonderful to be in total awe of God as the pastor was preaching and praying; the different names of God and the descriptions of God were so luxurious and so abundant that it just makes me think of God's characteristics and how He is so great and so wonderful. you just have to bow down in awe of him. and that was what instinctly struck me.

all the best to their marriage, my dear cousin and cousin-in-law. im sure they will be happy, because God is with them.

hello i just forgot what's been happening. but here's an update:

1. i think maybe sometimes God is trying to tell me to let go because i can feel that he is trying to tell me to let go. --> it is the failure to hold on that leaves me no choice, perhaps.

2. i went out with zhu and tony e other day and she was commenting that now all the girls will just hang around with their uni friends and just forget us guys in the army.
WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE. and that really sucks. because. well. damn did we waste everything??

actually this weekend has not been bad; it was quite nice. started off with going out with zhu and tony and hanging around in indochine nad at lido talking rubbish;...

i played soccer on sat nite which waas quite nice; even though not many people came and it was just 5 on 5, it was perhaps better because i got more touches on the ball; dribbled quite a bit...managed even to beat nat! twice! yeah=) and quite convincingly too. hmms. i like playing in indoor courts. scored a few....

...on to jamming on sunday which was nice; managed to keep the energy level going...makantime at adam road with the cheng-tng and mutton soup really brought back the nice, warm, level-headed buddy conversations which was really nice. wrote a nice song@!!! it's called 'maybe'...it's a little upbeat-pop thingg about how transient life really is. a bit of 'do you realise', perhaps. but not as profound and definitely not as good. nvm;;;;


aiya this week will be hectic.

Hello hello it's good to be back=)

as you all might have realised from your interaction with me, i have been really quite moody, unspontaneous, untalkative, the last few months, perhaps. and you were wondering what happened to shawn. perhaps that really wasn't me at all. i think camp and everything must have taken such a bad toll on my mood, man. it really sucks. but now i'm much better.

because you all knew that i have a happy disposition anyway. it's raelly there and you can't change it. i remembered at jiang i was like the chatterbox of the town just talking talking talking non-stop and like being the centre of attention and i really have to find that back. oh it's coming back, dont' worry. yeah. and not everyone is born with that gift of the gab just to be able to talk and talk and so i have to make use of it to the fullest extent to ensure it isn't wasted. i mean, not anybody can just go and say hie to people, or dance and jig your bum in public, and all that, it takes real guts and a cool i-dont-care-waht-you-think attitude that i used to have, but now it's all gone....sigh, i dunno why. it'll be really silly to keep quiet all the time. of course you can't force it, but you can't just allow yourself to be a martyr, just to accept what people say all the time without actaully showing others that you are there...

it's called interaction: you talk, i must talk too. i keep quiet, maybe it's not respecting your conversation, but mebbe it stops the flow. because interaction ish two-way. i realsied when i started articulating my views over some nice dessert did we (my friend and i) get the conversation really going. btw my pool was good too finally beat him by 7-4. which was quite a record, coz i normally lose. it's about the angle of the hand i think. it must like, bend in......

it must have been SCDF because over there i'm so quiet and like a mouse because man they're all so older and they all have different views and sometimes that spirals into your normal life, you get what i mean?

hmms.

because not everyone will want to be happy and be the life and who cares about music? alot of the time the reason why i'm just staring into space is because i am actually trying to listen to music in my mind or visualise some song or whatnot. and it becomes so silly because then i lose the company of firends to go engage in my own stupid private activity. it's like being at a party and not wanting to interact and instead i sit down 'relak one corner' to listen to my ipod. it's not even antisocial, it's stupid. it's not taking the most from the activity. if you really wanted to do that, you could do it on the way home or something. yah. so it's really too much music, too little life. that's why when conversation starts that's when music stops. it's like, okay, it wasn't blank in the background, on the way to the bus stop underneath the PIE overhead bridge after i left i could hear the faint straints of 'someday we'll know' in the background. but a very soft faint one, not an overpowering one. and when i'm chatting, there's no music at all. bollocks wif the music.

because there is such a dichotomy between music and words. the musical mind and the vocal mind is just so different. the musical mind and the emotional mind is concerned with feelings and sounds and harmonies. and that, my friends, is a very wonderful world to be in. it's the right-brained world. it's the world where i enjoy God's creation. however, being in that world doesn't really allow you to be very proactive. it stifles you because you are just there observing the beauty around you and perhaps trying to enter the world to create something or change a few particles (figuratively speaking) is more difficult. the vocal world, however, is a whole different matter. it is a mutually exclusive brain pattern from the musical one. like, when i'm speaking, i can hardly hear music at all. nor when i'm listening to music can i start thinking logically. it's the left-brain right-brain thing again.

the ironic thing about that description, however, is that i tend to write better songs after talking/engaging in such vocal activities. in fact i just wrote one. haw haw.

i really have to thank God for a good time tonight. i actually prayed that He'd bless the fellowship between me and my fellow brother and really it all worked out fine. i guess attending the prayer meeting at lunchtime really set the tone right; it gave me that peace and that edifying positive spirit to tide me through the rest of the day and that's something i really have to do more of. to give myself more to God. because His blessings are much more wonderful than you could have hoped for at all.... the great thing is that, He loves me so much that i really should not hold anything back from Him because, guess what, time and time again i'd say this, he knows me better than I'd ever know myself, and so of course He'll know what's best for me, and what will make me really happy, and grant me the REAL desires of my heart. note i say the real desires, coz there are fake desires that i think i really would want but then maybe i wouldn't really want it. like, okay, the high when you go clubbing, or something. you think u might want it but most likely you wouldn't, coz, well. you won't really like it. i don't.

so i shall put my trust in God because He is all-powerful and all-good-loving.


it's like, you really have to give some part of yourself if you want to be able to be touched by emotions and feelings. no one ever enjoyed being a bystander. if you don't actually sacrifice and give something to life, life can never bestow you with happiness, because you never let it touch you in the first place. the world is fair; you have to really follow God before you can find His favour i think; i mean, you really have to allow God to purify you instead of being stubborn in your own ways.... in the same way, you really have to give off some part of your life in order that you might blossom. okay i don't reall yknow how to phrase it but it's something to that extent. it might sound calculative, giving off something to get something back, but it's because you love the people that are around you, and really, that's so important.

and in the end, love is the greatest thing. because if you don't love the people around you, and love God, nothing you do is going to be of any use. you might as well do it yourself.

so that's the end of my social problems, i hope. i hope it's a long time before something else comes back.

it was a peaceful deepavali today, showing that days that are spent at home can actually be very nice, peaceful, and heartwarming, as the flashy-rocking outing days. it's like, the hols last time, where i just woke up late, sat around, played some guitar, watch tv, on the net, blog, all that.

so i was lisetning to silje nergaard's 'the waltz', which was really nice. if you want the mp3 u can ask me for it...it was really weird that song, because it's such a sad song, but ironically i played it at a wedding; we just changed the lyrics a bit. and i was jamming around with my tele until the jack came out writing a new song...

i was initially in a bad mood really because like everrything is so lonely and i was just yearning to go out and have some fun and just felt so isolated but later on i just prayed a prayer of honesty, and asking God to guide my way and be uplifting and edifying to others and later on it was just nice and peaceful; i just found a bit of that peace and comfort just being myself. and later on i went over to cold storage with dad to buy some groceries (alot of it for myself, tyvm) and that was nice too. i envision the day that i'll just be buying groceries with the kids and cooking dinner with a lovely wife.

then there'll be no more need for zouk and hard partying which is silly, really.


which brings me to say that guilt is not a christian emotion at all, is it? sometimes I think you ought to be spartan and have nothing in life but God, but then there are things that God put in this world for me as well, isn't it. hmms. like, love, peace, good food, good music, friends, i don't think God's against those things rite, so long as it isn't sinful and doesnt' detract us from him.?

Zouk was packed like sardines in a can yesterday; i went in yesterday at eleven, drank a bit, tried to dance, but it was really like, there was really only room to stand. n the queue was superhumoungously long . i really don't know how they managed to sneak to the front anywae.

so here i'm a little paranoid for friends. but then i prayed and the wonderful thing about prayer is that it really works i'm a little better now, thankfully. wrote some rocker song, and now am sedately listening to sijle nergaard's 'the waltz', of which i played at some wedding. it's very comforting, ten times better than a vodka can ever be.

Sleeping early is so extremely important. today was the first time i had more than 7 hours of sleep (before going to camp). and my my such was the difference.

i was finally, happy. i could finally see properly. i could finally admire the trees. i finally liked talking to people.

and the dreams were weird. i had these 3 dreams all in one. the first one was really painful: i dreamt that i had my teeth stuck in diagonally (instead of straight in) and that it was hanging from my gum. --> note: go brush your teeth, perhaps!

the next one is vaguely sexual in a bad way. (it's just weird k so yah, censoreed)

and the last one was me dreaming abt some girl and it was funny coz i went to some estate to look for her and i walked and she was cutting into my lane and all that and later on i dunno what happened. but it was quite sweet, if i remembered.

there u go, benefits of sleeping early.

good dreams.


(sometimes i think i'm a basketcase. maybe i really am)

it's just simple love and a hearty warmth
that i can give to the world
nothing else but simple love
people will tell you you're simplistic but you can't fight the system
you can only flow with it


you cannot erase the stereotypes from the world: people will always be embarassed over small things. people will always be superficial. people will always be selfish. you cannot create any form of utopia, because you are never perfect. you can only go with the flow and laugh with it, and live within the parameters. that is, to conform.

because you are too small to do anything.

i'm feeling really lethargic. lethargic in the sense that everything is fading and blurry and there's no passion to do anything. no passion to get scholarships and all that junk, no passion to go out there and do anything. no passion, even to turn on the lights.

i'm just floating around, waiting for something good to happen. which will probably not be from me, and then the cycle goes around again.


break e cycle.

like a harthouse, with no aim in sight.

Do you have the time

to listen to me whine

About NOTHING and EVERYTHING

all at once

I am one of those

Melodramatic fools

Neurotic to the bone

No doubt about it



Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm CRACKING UP

Am I just PARANOID?

Or am I just STONED



I went to a shrink

To analyze my dreams

SHE says it's lack of sex

that's bringing me down

I went to a whore

HE said my life's a bore

So quit my whining cause

it's bringing HER down



Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm CRACKING UP

Am I just PARANOID?

Uh,yuh,yuh,ya



Grasping to CONTROL

So I BETTER hold on



Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm CRACKING UP

Am I just PARANOID?

Or am I just STONED

sigh. i dunno, i've lost my way.

the blog's purpose is not just for the here-and-now, for people to read about my life, or the things that are happening in it; it is also a history, a concrete storage of memories and facts and ideas and knowledge that will prove useful when my mind is so warped (because we are, like Silas Marner, transported to a different world) that it is unable to comprehend how it used to be. just as a dead tree is unable to imagine itself once being alive and full of green leaves.

taken from an old entry:

"you know what blogging (sic) (is) a good idea after all. sometimes i feel it's really bad because one can never relive it and then the blog just makes one want to remember it and sometimes we're walking around with our eyes on our back."

so we are walking with eyes on our back.

infact, the blog has lots of interesting entries. there was this whole entry about that song, under 2003(march 30th and 31st). there was the description of the ac choir as a "spiritual cleansing, a purging of unhappiness and uncleaniness, an a refinement to beautiful thoughts. Thank and praise God for music. It's a beautiful thing, it really is. There are some times when I've begun to believe that again. Thank God for that, after all the crap that's happened before."

my posts are always on music:

"do you think music should be pure, as in, the sounds, the mathematics of it, in order to transcend? Or is straight-ahead dirty rock just as fine? Are we, by moving away from traditional elements of it, limiting its power and transcendence by being cheap and complacent and forsaking our commitment to art, since Mozart and the rest were musically/mathematically pure? Or is it a natural progression? Should mathematics govern music, the pitches and all? When you listen to rock on the radio and they sing out of tune, out of note accuracy, is that fine as well, or it's just lousy intonation?
I struggle with this all the time, rock, or no rock, jazz, or are we all going to revert to the Mozarts and Beethovens."
some more on classical music: check out June 9, 2003. "Classical music demands a sensitivity that people need to cultivate, somehow, to the art of music, itself: a chord change is crucial because it is. it's not just to fill up the bars. "

" You know, it's surprising how some people just can't listen to music properly you know. i think it's an art, just to listen to music...i mean if people'd only learn how to listen properly, they'd be able to appreciate the harmonious blend and swell of classical music....when the chord is played with perfect intonation, there's a 'swell', since the harmonic overtones of the 5ths and 3rds can be heard distinctively and the chord blends in together....there's the sounds of angels, there's the sounds of a purity, a cleansing, that is just so delightful. it's not just technical stuff, it really happens, one just has to open his ears and listen intently, to let the music come to you."
"and 440hz has a kind-of classical beauty about it, seriously. it's when Mozart sounds so melodic and simple and balanced and reminiscent of order in the universe...the shifts of a chord, from a 4th to a 5th is simply a whole change in mood....the 4th is more 'gospel-like' and more summer-like, whereas the 5th is trying to resolve itself to a 1st....and the interrupted cadence 5-6 is a surprise, really an 'interruption', unexpected...the dissonances are trying to resolve itself to consonance, and there's the tension...
and if only people open their ears they'll listen to good music, and not that crap you get on radio....in the world where a toilet bowl can be art, we need some absolute nuances of what good art is." (June 20, 2003)

" I have just been listening to the wonders of the just intonation scales and the richness and the fullness that you get from those chords, that blend and the harmonic overtones that are so pure and delightful. My songs sound nice again, haha. Yeah, I mean i've been trying midi programs that can sequence these scales, but unfortunately it's shareware. Never mind, the bliss of a moment. the swell brings back moments of angelic choirs singing in pure harmony, a world apart from the convulated untuned music that we get here, where chords just lose all their flavour, when the 4ths and the 5ths and the 1sts all lose their overtones."

alot of them are about religion/God.

and of course some of them are about ranting and raving, check out June 04, 2003.

social commentary: June 27, 2003

some of them are just, well, okay.

"There are girls that are just so delicious... they've got this incredible charm about them that makes me swoon. sigh. but I'm a creep, after all...what the 'ell am i doing here? man, it's really that smile that's so heart-warming, it just releases all the good energies in me...i just wanna go and embrace people. just to accost them or something, sigh. delicious. yummy!" (July 05, 2003)

okay enough now. save the next post for the others.

Man, I feel so awfully fat. like, there's a lump of fat in my gullet or something, waiting to be dissolved. sheesh. must be all the haagen daaz and what-not, cake, especially, i've been eating. anyone who goes out with me, please tell me to exercise, please, man. sheesh.

that's what being a clerk is all about, slacking, sleeping, getting fat. OCS boys don't kill me now. exercise is good for you.

on a lighter note, wen en's house is great for musical inspiration. if anything, it's quiet, and it just makes you feel, well, posh, great for writing sit-down-by-the-poolside lounge music. because you can just imagine it being played there. and the piano is fabulous. i must definitely go there more often. the walk in can be my exercise. yay.


often i feel incoherently bad, and socially inept. i used to be skeptical when people said there's a left-brain, that controls logic and speech, and a right-brain, that controls music and e arts/visual. and like, now it's all right-brain. i'm hearing songs in my head with my right-brain, pitching well, everything, but everything turns to dust when i open my mouth to speak. i don't speak, i splutter, like, 'beagaghagkdalgha' and like everyone is 'waht'? 'what's the point?' sheesh. okayyy mebbe the connections isn't working well. must be the fat, huh.

okay so blame it on the fat. i MUST MUST get down to some jogging.

yesterday was a blast! expectations were sky-high and the night really delivered! was with zhu/gill/dave etc and we went into bar none! how cool.. they din even check id.....darren came later....to check out 3 bands! highrise, ronin, and electrico....=) the place was absolutely absolutely packed, especially when ronin was playing, but thanks to gerald we got seats, yay. could even stand on them some more. lol. drinks were cheap, stella was going at 5 a bottle!

the bands: highrise was typically britrock, the songs really quite lacklusture, but the atmosphere was nice, a full sound with some chiming guitars from an es-335 (Aria), usual 4-4 stomping coldplayesque music. ronin was absolutely funny and 80s-guns-and-roses-like with their screaming antics and the showmanship of the albino frontman, really distinctive. he engaged e crowd really well. a bit 80s, though. electrico was cool. nice songs, lyke the number-one hit 'i want you'. okay so far so good.

went for supper later on and i swear all of us sure kena get fat one. everytime we go to these places we always end up at glutton square! (next to specalist's shopping centre, the makan place) we ended up just chatting and chilling and ahhh it was fun fun. im back to my crazy self again. still young, you know. cannot always lisetn to frank sinatra.

so I will take up my cross and follow You, O Lord. there's something exciting about this spiritual journey--it is a journey, not just a state of mind, there is a beginning and an end in the far-away future--it's exciting because, well, you'd never know where God is going to lead you. it's just, trusting Him and letting HIm lead. because everyday there is a struggle, but then, this spiritual journey is long and hard, it requires, determination, yes, and a spirituality, a strength; it's not just flippant hedonism or thrill-seeking, but is grounded on solid word, on people, on the Spirit, on tangible things. and it's that tangible thing that i want to find. I find that prayer is so important, especially just praying with all your heart and seeking God, because that's the only way that you'll ever really grow. praying without really meaning it is USELESS. i might as well not pray.

There was supposed to be this long post on how my life was on an upward trend, last week. the 17th. but blogger played a prank.

so well. im too lazy to type it out. mebbe later. it's 2 in the morning anywaes.

so i told myself to keep it going, but unfortunately lost the handle.

'coming down the world turned over
angels fall without you there
i go on as you get colder
or are you someone's prayer?'
-goo goo dolls, black balloon

Happiness and Depression

A friend once gave me a marvellous piece of advice; she referred me to a quote which states that it is useless to try to capture and relive moments in the past: Because every moment hinges on a combination of different feelings, it is unique, and hence cannot be captured in its entirety. So the conclusion was to live each day and enjoy it, instead of hoping for a moment in the past that I thought was happy.
And somehow I realised I can never quantify how happy a particular day in history was. Was the day I had dinner with my friends as happy as the day I enjoyed a brilliant piece of music, or saw a wonderful piece of eye-candy? One can never place a value on a moment, or a feeling. The only thing we might be able to do is to try to recall what it was like in this blog, or in diaries, (which is one reason I blog). Reliving it, sadly, no.
And so, even happiness and depression is transient. Every little day will bring about its share of happinesses and depressions. And sometimes in my depression I question if the happiness I'd felt earlier was truly real. Or, being happy, wonder how in the world I could be depressed. Are they the same me? I hope so, but I doubt it.
The worst thing is when I'm happy and I just want to crystallise the moment by ending it, so I would not dilute the intensity of that moment by the length of time, which would invariably lead to a lessening of that happiness: I always have this weird impression that a moment of euphoria and happiness is worth more than a sustained period of not-so-happiness, because the intensity is greater in that instant. And so I purposely try to get rid of that happiness, so I can savour that moment even more, precisely because it is gone. and then it is too late, when I find that depression is really bad, to go back to happiness.

Everything hinges on my insanity now.

Blogging has been such a chore; it should be fun, but then it seems like a routine. but then again, you need to update it, if not it'll seem that nothing has happened.

but of course things happen. i just don't want to blog them.

it's been really topsy-turvy, i guess. one thing i still haven't learnt, even from entering the army, is consistency. The ability, really, to just have ONE mood for one whole day and stick to it. it's always up and down, which makes for paranoia that the euphoria i feel now would be immediately submerged by feelings of loneliness and depression.

So it's time to make a change, only thing is, I don't know how.

still, the week has been fine. by 2004 NS standards, of course. The weekend was really topsy-turvy, like I mentioned earlier. Friday was pretty good: I met daryl for some catching up over pool (with justin), and it got better later on at my fren's surprise party (at his place). Of particular note was the large amount of booze and, more importantly, the people that came, which made conversation enjoyable and meaningful. Even though it might not have been very happy altogether (due to reasons unknown), it was really nice because I really felt appreciated. Appreciated with a capital A. These are people who know me, who actually value my companionship. I don't need to prove anything else to them and they already know me. So it's an ease on my shoulders. Damn I hate meeting new people.

Saturday started off very well, though i had only 4 hours sleep; I went to send vette (and later meiping) to airport with daryl and gang. it was really hilarious, all the 'shuai' and stupid RI lingo (i mean it in an affectionate way). and later went to play soccer at RI: scored a goal, but the rest of my performance was quite disastrous by my standards; hardly touched the ball, can't really get past any players, dwindling on the ball...oh well. nvm i scored a nice goal so it's okay, almost makes up for bad performance. had a tiff with my mother about punctuality but that's normal, really, for me. slept like a pig later on because of the sheer lack of sleep.

and sunday was really bad; i was stuck in the annals of depression. i dunno, but i just find it very difficult to get along with church people; it just seems that they and I are on different wavelengths, and i have to try to impress them and prove myself, which is so difficult. they're not yet in my comfort zone, which is a real worry.

monday, and it felt strange, back to camp again, back to stress, and the absence of any respite from the constant torrental fear that someone is watching your back. tuesday was better, took half day off to sleep at home before going to airport. and that was fun!! seeing daryl and gabriel off to UK; met loads of friends, the RI clerk bunch that i must definitely hang out more with, and my ac friends. felt like old times. the jokes and stuff. even if it is directed at me. hmmph. yah but it was okay. i felt good after this, really i mean. it was nice.

wednesday, and the combo band was back playing; i was stoned as usual; we spent the morning sleeping and eating in the mess. thursday, and it was a really nice feeling in the morning waking up late (took off) and travelling down bkt timah road; was a really nice feeling seeing all those trees and nice chill-out music played in my head. which was really nice. and later i go to dark old ubi and everything's ugly and grey again. i took a look around; everything's grey! no wonder my mood is grey too. later we went to eat gengkhis khan. met up with eugene, who graciously treated us. the food was good....sashimi was fresh, oysters big, and the teppanyaki nice. but it's a bit on the high side for that kinda food.

friday, and i'm sick, and hoping and praying there isn't a recall. because if there is i'm going to positively yell and scream my head off.

I'm floating so far away and so fast that the shore is now just a speck in the distance; I am waiting for angels to swoop me up, or maybe you, but you wouldn't know it.
I am waiting for deliverance, precisely because I am just too far away from home for my calls to find answers.

Sigh. There just hasn't been enough drive; perhaps in Raffles it was so competitive that it somehow forced me to find another gear; here serving National Service, everything is just so commonplace and so mundane that it is impossible to find any heights on a daily, consistent basis, (except for the weekends and off-days, of course) for me to sustain any form of emotion. The only constancy is, mondays bad, fridays good. Going to work is a chore; coming back home and I think about resting and just lazing around. You know what? I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.

I wonder what is the male equilavent of being 'swept off your feet'. It would be a rather interesting description, I'd bet.


I'll wait until the next time when life brings new things for me. Little gifts, you know, you must cherish them.

i've been having queer dreams, probably a result of too much sleep, or not enough sleep. but who cares. dreams are nice. they're even nicer if they're about nice people. yay.
(you realise this is going to be a himbo post).
was out playing at orchard today, which was so cool. just didn't feel so right, though. the atmosphere just wasn't there, the groove. oh wells. but aegyptie really rocked, man. and jamming later on brought out the extrovert in me again in ways that i'll never comprehend anymore, because army has since stifled you of all your senses and taught you to be calculative and cold and methodical, when all you really need in life is a bit more laughter and greater candour. shouting at the top of my lungs 'all the lesbians....come over here!' is simply the best panacea for the cold hard bitches in civil defence.

===

Off to London, to New York, to Paris

Fly off to different continents, to new life. You will soon be there, in far-away cities, to start living. gone are the days where you were like plants in a nursery; now it's time to be taken to the forest to truly live under the sun that shines on you. The nursery might have been safe: safety nets are always there, and here is your comfort zone of friends and family, even if it is sterile; but you weren't truly allowed to grow the way you would have liked. Now, overseas, suddenly you realise that all your life you have been living in the nursery. and now you see the world, bright, shining, with different ideas and many people with their own opinions, some of which you might not agree with. but it is there, and you live with it, and you grow, and make your own opinions about what is good and what is bad and hopefully you be stronger.

and so you will be blessed just to see something different; scenery, travel, sightseeing, interacting with students from different places, learning from professors that are pioneers in their fields, and so on. you will be blessed, because all your life you have been stuck with the same 4 million people and you realise the world has like, what, 4 billion inhabitants, and all you see is a small flake of the pie. it's not enough to satisfy your weird quirky tendencies, especially in parochial singapore. you need something bigger and better. so you go overseas. i salute you. it is great you can go.

take care. dont' feel sad about leaving singapore. don't feel sad that you wish you could take them along with you. people will come and go, and people will pass by; in the end, all us adults will have is a handful of close friends, as we get married and have childrean. most of the time we'll interact with our spouses exclusively, and organised social groups such as school will soon disappear. it'll just be individuals living their own lives, and, if we're in luck, our paths will meet; or else we might remain alien to each other till we meet possibly in heaven. So save no tears for this regret; for inevitably this will happen.

true friends will always be with you no matter where you go.

today was really eventful; i can't even begin to explain it. i think 5-day work week is a brilliant idea because then my saturdays become even more useful. at least i don't have to think, or go, to camp. or do anything with SCDF.

i mean, even the dream was eventful. i dreamt about my friend N running around in army gear and together we were there hunting out snipers and avoiding mortar bombs and grenades, etc. (Which is surprising cuz i'm never in army). and then i dreamt about how i was reading the obituary and this guy just died at 22, while studying in the uni. it was so freaky because i started worrying about my own mortality and how i'm just wasting my life away.

and the funny thing was that it was so apt because up to now i've been somewhat in the doldrums, worrying about stupid things that will bear no real significance to my life, and not allowing the good things in life to come to me. and living for now, partying, not caring about God, or my eternal purpose in life. i mean i knew he was there but somehow i didn't feel the need to go to him. which was bad. but things change in a short while.

doing quiet time and the passage was again apt; it was about the brevity of life! (note how that links to the dream) and about how we are all grass (psalms 90) and will be forgotten soon. so the message is, to live for God, to store up treasure in heaven. and you can't live for two things, for they will surely conflict; to live for God is to stop living for yourself.

and it ended full circle with the saturday evening service worship, which was really nice and made me think about good things again and how it's important to live life to the fullest, and you can't have too much of good things. worshipping God was great. you just feel thanksgiving. just pure thanksgiving. the message was on missions; i think i can be a good bible study teacher, so maybe. why not. haha. maybe in the future. grins. yeah so now it's full circle; after the coming back to God, it's the, send me part.

and later on at candice's place for her farewell it was not bad too! met up with some old friends, chatted around, mixed a bit, sat with the 1b pple, went to booths' pub with 1c. pretty fun. ahhh i miss those days.

so people are flying off which is so sad but i'm happy for them because they'll be able to see new things and a great big world out there.

Here's something that always puzzled me; why do nice guys finish last? anyway here's a really apt article about it which a friend passed on to me for my reading pleasure.

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honour of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honour of the guys with open minds,with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honour of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favour cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we’re just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warmbody for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he’s too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathise and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do(I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realise they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys.You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker fora pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

The sound of an immensely well-tuned piano is absolutely wonderful. The notes actually gel and dont' feel like a pain to my ears. it's like, i expect this note to be sounded, and that's what I actually get when i play the note. you can finally hear the changes in the bass note, from a D to a C# and C for example. there's a sense of feeling, almost ethereal, a bit oriental and a bit irish, actually.
yay. thank God for a proper-ly tuned piano..


on a sour note, though, work is becoming unbearable. if i were to write a formal critque, here goes.

1. The problem with SCDF is that their officers are, really, inept, for wont of a better word. Why are they inept?

a) They don't know how to treat NSF in order to get the best results.

Anyone with common sense will realise that, if you treat your subordinates well, they would be more willing to do better work. It's the incentive system. You treat them well, they respect you, they are more willing to earn your favour by doing good work. treat them badly, and all you get is just-on-time work, delayed work, etc. and never-anything-more. They even fail to comprehend that ultimatums and pressure would be more useful if officers are usually nice, and hence the difference is even greater.

b) They do extra things.

For example, for the WITs, they can just waste our time by doing stupid things, extra things such as refiling the cabinets in the docket according to alphabetical order so that they can fulfill their WITS (suggestions scheme) requirements. it's like suggesting we change the colour of the dustbin to fit the colour scheme and then getting NSF (like me) to paint the dustbin.

c) They dont' explain what they are doing.

Most of the time, though, they explain so badly that it is better if they dont' explain at all.

d) They put pressure for the sake of doing so

It is as though wearing the 3 bars means that there is a minimum pressure quota that officers have to fill. I don't see why they just can't live for good things. i mean, it is a really warped person who would find pleasure in making others feel lousy about themselves. too bad, we've got lots of them in SCDF.

e) All they do is to try to please their superiors

They do so without even knowing that their superiors aren't stupid. Don't they realise that superiors know if they are 'angkatting'(carrying), and might see them as being weak-minded, having little capability of their own, etc? there is a fine line between being respectful, mindful of the superior's wishes, trying to see to their needs and wants, and fawning all over them, going out of their way to try to please them.

So it is no wonder we don't get the Singapore Quality Award.

Had so much fun over this weekend! On friday met jing to eat xiao long bao and walk around in kino; checked out a great songwriter's book/guide; talked and walked some more; on saturday it was 2 great parties; wow, really feels like JC again, i haven't met some of these people for countless eons! was nice talkin to some dance pple, humans pple, et al....was really cool... hmms. it was so fun, it's like, the music is relegated to the background and i am just so involved in what people are saying, there's no more like' oh this sucks' and 'this is crap'. positivity!!!
yay

hmms. during worship today all i could think of was, it's His grace that has set us free from sin, let us offer our thanksgiving to Him!
'we enter His gates with thanksgiving in our hearts, we enter His courts with praise'....yay!! giving thanks is so important because it shows we appreciate Him and what He has done.