Sigh. I've been so ridden with confusion the past two days, caught up in a selfish cycle of sin. insecurity. being not under the authority of God through obedience opens up the pathway for the evil one to attack and pose doubts and everything. but only through a new-found obedience which i've learnt again today is the evil one kept at bay. and real peace is again found through God. by faith.
it is faith that really protects me. it's a 'shield of faith'--part of the armour of God. it is God protecting me from the evil one which lurks, and i have faith then that God is good, He's always for me, I'm His Child, again by faith, and that He'll never let me fall. By faith I claim that and claim His protection over my life. in the Bible it was read about those people who had great faith and because of their faith Jesus healed them. So i believe God will do it because I have faith He will do it, according to His will. i used to pray in a mess, keep praying, hoping that God will work, but now i dont have to, because i pray and i know that by faith, He's working, even if i dont see it....and if i don't see it it doesn't mean He's not working~! so yeah. live by faith, all Christians. for it is by faith that we are saved. and so i have faith that the Lord my God is keeping the evil one at bay, protecting me from him, protecting me from Satan whose goal is to destroy me. but in the Lord Jesus i am kept alive. thank you God.

prayer meeting was amazing! now there is again peace in me, and life. the evil one cannot foil Your purposes anymore, Lord. thank you. i can draw near to you in peace. we sang 'knowing You, Jesus, knowing You, there is no greater thing.' and i sincerely believe there is no greater thing than knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.

to live in obedience! because in obedience there is protection from the evil one. and in obedience God is pleased and will bless my life. Lord you told me to go and spread the gospel. let me do that in my department. to bring O back to you. to bring people to your kingdom by my love for them to display your love when i love them i love you Jesus. so let me do that. to live in obedience, not being ashamed of You Lord Jesus, but always proclaiming Your love and Your sacrifice for all men as the only way to God. let me live life in that way. because i can not live for any other. please bless my life Dear Father, Most High God. Saviour. Lord. i live for you.

there's a very simple logic to this. if outwardly i spread the Word and live in obedience to the great commission which is from God, then God is pleased, and i can enjoy an inward good relationship with Him. if outwardly however i dont love, dont do anything, dont do anything at all, live selfishly, God definitely isn't pleased with me, He wont' bless me inwardly. there is a logic about this whole issue. so let me live for the people around me in love.

today, three important lessons!
but yeah it's joyful. and i really really want this again! so Lord help me.

1. God wants me to love others. love others, as Jesus has loved me.

2. "be not anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord...and the God of peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (sic)... i mean it was really funny! because i was quietly asking God and listening, and this verse came to mind, and just minutes later the speaker was actually mentioning this verse! how wonderfully coincidental. i think the Lord really wants me not to be anxcious coz sometimes i really am. but God in His infinite mercy has calmed me down with that.

3. and the last lesson is to realise that really, I'm righteous before God, through Jesus Christ my atoning sacrifice for my sin. i mean sometimes the world teaches us that we must do do do alot of things in order to gain merit and gain the bosses's satisfaction and stuff, but with God it's different! Jesus has done everything, He's paid the penalty, He's the atonement for our sin, we just have to accept it! and since i've already accepted it, i was just thinking through it and like wow actually we're really already righteous through Jesus and already forgiven! it's really true joy knowing that the almighty God is happy with you and happy with your life and that now you're a child of God. Jesus has paid the price, we accepted it, now we can live in joy and peace...not needing to do anything to prove ourself, yay. i mean i sin alot and sometimes it clouds my vision of what life really is but now no more!~ i'm forgiven!~ =D


and now really my ears and eyes are opened! i can listen to beautiful music again. i look at the condo and see beautiful things. yay.

Many times there are lots of confusions in my mind but i believe that God in His infinite mercy is able to deliver me from all these trials and temptations.
in His mercy.

it's all about living for love. "Let us love one another, for love is of God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...He that loves not loveth not God for God is love'- 1 John 4:7-8. and you know, really that's true. many times i'm thinking, in social situations, what am i to do? but please, don't force yourself to live by rote, and don't force yourself to live by the law, but live by love through the Holy Spirit from God's love. do the best you can for others. the evil one knows not love--his is all hate, anger, pride, lust for power-- but God is different because, in spite of our sinfulness, He still loves us-- it is because of His love that we are able to be children of God, and freedom comes from His love.... i mean, love is one of the so central things in the Bible. faith, hope and love will remain, but the greatest of these is love. so let me live for love, just as Jesus loves me, and only with love are relationships made right.

and many times we think about the cross and its gruesome shame, but Lord i will delight in the cross, for it is glory and victory, freedom from Satan, from sin, from the dead. thank you for the cross Lord Jesus.


today's worship was great.

Today was great! i am amazed by His favour and mercy and by the little lessons God's teaching me as his child.

it didn't start off very well. i sinned quite a bit. and it was really bad on the way home; the torture was killing me, the soul torture.
i thank You that in Your infinite mercy You still found me. even though i was stained with so many countless sins.
i was still and quiet, and recalling my day, and then i suddenly realised the important lesson you wanted to teach me.
it was that You wanted me to be humble. too often i've taken pride in my own achievements, in being an NCO in army, in being a capable person in a land where most people dont have great academic credentials, on being a good musician and stuff-- yet God told me to be humble. before this my soul was totally a mess, restless, weak, and all that, but once it suddenly dawned on me to be humble, suddenly i felt this peace, that was allowing me to rest in Him. the Holy Spirit was telling me the Father's will which was to tell me to be humble. it's only in humility that we can come before the Lord. and because i was humble God did help me to find that treasure again. i thank You Lord for that, though You are the biggest treasure.

at quiet time i was just reflecting on Jesus as my friend. Jesus as my shepherd. Jesus as my best friend. i could just talk to Him in a personal way and thanking Him for dying on the cross. just confessing that He is the Son of God and that He is Lord. and then i was praying to the Father; please reveal yourself to me and may I be known by You. and something stirred in my heart and reminded me to be humble. God wants me to be humble, in my workplace, in my life. and that's what i'm going to do. especially starting tomorow in the work place. in my mind were images of a slice of heaven. not sure if i saw colours it was all a bit fuzzy but maybe saw Jesus praying for me, Jesus at the right hand of God. thank you Lord. almost out-of-body peace was great. the Holy Spirit was definitely there in my heart, i could feel it. i don't know but sometimes i'm always wondering if i am truly truly saved. but you know, with all these lessons my Father's teaching me to become more like Jesus, who was so humble, there is little doubt.

i used to be plagued by mental insecurities and fear of Satan and fear of blasphemising my loving God, but just now at quiet time there was just that peace. i am thankful for that.

and i just pray that it'll last. it has been one of the best days of the month! July 14th! thank You Lord for loving me.

the one fundemental truth i've also learnt is that Jesus loves me! Lord Jesus you love me that's one of the most profound truths and yet it's so simple. Jesus Son of God loves me. thank You. You have defeated the evil one and there is no return now!

yay.

It's been an interesting weekend, followed by another intresting couple of days.
dont usually blog about my life, but then.
it was interesting. monday night was fun with kevin and talking and laffing like old times. oh wells.

one of my biggest aims now is to get closer to God and know Him more intently. i realised i haven't been actually doing this very well, so hence my new commitment. i have to know Him for His sake, for the main goal of knowing Him, and not for other things, such as-- oh i can write new songs! oh i can have a better life-- no, no, it is not for that, but for the sole purpose of knowing Him and obeying Him.

tuesday morning was interesting. i was feeling really shacked, but the thought came to mind about Jesus and His great love for me. and i was really just feeling His comforting presence around me, a comforting wind. i have realised i'm not going to live a moderate life. my Lord told me to take up my cross and follow Him, and not look back- often it is us, the privileged, that find the most difficulty doing so-- Jesus said how difficult are the rich to go to heaven-- and it's because we aren't ready to put down all our crowns and take up the cross to follow. and that has been my problem. but i realise that the life God has for me is going to be much better and much more fulfilling and will ultimately decide my destiny. nothing else can bring satisfaction, i realised, my soul thirsts for the living God. nothing else can bring that same kind of love and security as the knowledge that God is with me and for me. nothing else can bring me protection from the evil one. so i want to be radical-- to really really follow Jesus and obey Him and leave no baggage. don't want to have all these other commitments and distractions. just want to narrow it down and be obedient to Him. and to worship Him. and to give my all to His purpose. you can't be a Christian, and be obsessed over music, or be obsessed over sport; one can only serve one thing.

this morning i was struck by the thought that the Jesus i worship is the same Lord Jesus found in Scripture! it may sound so obvious but sometimes it doens't really srtike you that hard; but yeah this morning it did, that yeah, it was a historical thing, He indeed did come down, was born a virgin birth, did all the miracles, died on the cross and rose again on the third day, appeared to the disciples, and is in Heaven. it's wonderful knowledge to know that Jesus remains the same and is seated at the right hand of God. it brings a perspective to things; to follow is to obey the things He said in the Bible. and another thought that came to mind is how i am a son of God! God is my Father, im adopted by faith in Jesus Christ and im an adopted son! in His family! it's wonderful. it's not just justification; it's adoption. thank you Father.


it's funny how all these thoughts appear during morning parade. parade isnt;' so bad after all. haha.

Yesterday was fantastic! =) it was one of those days that was like a microcausm of my life.

i started the day feeling very woozy and i went to play tennis with chris, which wasn't very good. haha. lol. just got the ball off at all the wrong angles. lol. went to eat lunch with mel yesterday- hmms. i dunno i was quite off seemed like the conversation din go very well huh it was like hi and how are you - it is my fault mate. sorry. haha. dunno man. kinda like drifting alittle i feel. but well it's fine really.

i was hanging around orchard after that and i was thinking about life. went to darren's house to jam, play ping pong and just have fun -- the scenery from his house is gorgeous! esp when you walk out and the sunset was so nice. haha.

went to wala yesterday , drank some white wine (i like!) and beer. man got a bit high, writing some r n b songs and all that. dancing around to the music. went for a road trip for supper with jeremy darren mark which was really fun! hmms. to geylang to eat dim sum. nice trip man. lots of stupid comments made which makes it interesting ah. huh.

(i dont usually blog about my everyday life coz it gets boring but one has to remind oneself about the good things in life before the dread of monday-thursday).

at home it was really nice. i was just praying to God and talking to Him in a very personal way i suppose. i was reading a blog i stumbled upon about being close to God and i think that's really what i want. so i decided to really put down everything to seek the One who loves me and yeah just talked to Him as a friend, which was really nice. just prayed that He will empower me, He will guide me, lead me away from temptation, etc. just talked to Him as He leads. which was really nice. just worshipping God with the song 'worthy is the Lamb', worshipping Jesus, how grateful we are to Him for His sacrifice on the cross and His love for me- yay. i mean, that's really the essence of what it's all about. worship. putting aside our own pride and all that and just proclaiming that Jesus is Lord and He's God over my life. and i claim the promise that 'no one can say Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit'. a little comforting to know the Spirit's there. haha. (i get rather insecure). wrote a song about Jesus' wondrous love. Satan can never get me because Jesus is holding me and even the evil one / evil ones are scared of the very name of Jesus (like the demon was driven out just by Jesus' presence alone in the Bible~!) -- how comforting is that!

it's really nice. sigh. today when i woke up im so energetic and lively and vivacious, talking to my mother loads. and loving each other. praying for London. thanking Jesus for my life. i mean such things there are no parallels. no looking back.

i know sometimes my life goes through stages where im just messed up. insecure. no order in life. but that's not going to happen.
life is beautiful and orderly in Jesus and i'm going to live it this way.

This week has been both joyful and very testing as well=D while there have been moments of security and peace, some parts of it has been very testing. as though the evil one is trying to twist my mind out of shape. but thankfully, as JI Packer said in 'Knowing God', those moments don't last.
God is sovereign and I believe that totally. He's unchangeable. and in His word (which is always true) he gave us certain promises. and i believe i can totally totally cling on to those promises and they'll hold for me because His word is always true. and one of the promises i just thought of today was that he won't allow any temptation beyond what i can bear. and i will just claim that promise and believe in faith that the evil one cannot tempt me or bring me away from God/Jesus. yes Lord that is so true.
and everything's in its right place. God--Father/Son/Holy Spirit is the head of my life and my Heavenly Father. below that comes family and maybe some of my interests such as music. but they're never going to overshadow God. i shall not want, and there is such great order in this system where God is the head-- everything else will fall into place just nicely. it is stable. i'm just going to allow God to work in my life; i trust that He's going to make a way for me and that He loves me and is actively working in me for me for us, and i dont have to worry about where i'm going and all that, because He's always leading me by His Holy Spirit, just as a shepherd leads his sheep.
it's been a great day, today. i wrote a song yesterday about seeking God, and it was stuck in my head a little bit this morning during parade giving me gentle reminders about finding God first in my life--my one desire. afternoon and i wanted to live out what my master Jesus said- to love others. at night was nice because i just found a bit more stability and peace and claimed that promise stated above-- that everything's in the right place-- and watched Fantastic Four which was pretty fun; had supper at the esplande with quek and jem which was really nice. good company and nice atmosphere. nice stability and feeling. yeah. everything's good. wrote a norah jonesque song which i think is pretty useful and nice~ yay=)

tuesday was spent praising God on the piano and singing out to Him. seek God and things will be added to you.
-the ironic thing about a Christian is that we'll enjoy God's blessings, but we won't seek pleasure or happiness- we'll seek God, and everything else will be added unto us, but that won't be our first priority--more of a side-product perhaps? it's a good way to look at it i suppose.

wednesday was spent praying hard for family. and wrote christian song. praying and reading 'knowing GOd' which i think is great.

hope you are fine too!

today was met with lots of physical ailments, but thank God for an awesome quiet time today! praise God. i was just still before God and praying with all my heart, soul, and mind. no distractions. thank God i can be still. and i should really do it before i come online. it's much better that way. prayed the Lord's prayer, i think that's a great way of doing it. it's the way our Lord Jesus told us how to do it anyway.

my spirit sang 'Worthy is the Lamb' with the "chords" in the background. i kinda realise how all three persons of God (the Trinity) work together as one for the same purpose and fulfils different roles in it--The Father elects, the Son redeems, the Spirit seals our salvation.

I thank God for making it clear that I don't need to fear. alot of times i fear, i fear alot of things--the evil one satan, my own sin, my own insecurity, even my own irrationality. but God reminded me so wonderfully in His great mercy that He is always for me and will always be with me-- the Bible text was of Gideon and of his insecurity in fighting the Midianites (i think it was) and how he asked God to show him some 'sign' that he was the chosen one to go and fight and that God would be with him. and the message is, do not fear by having faith in the Lord. and i know that God You're strengthening my faith day by day and i know that with You in control nothing can ever destroy me or defeat me or seperate me from You. so i shall not fear because your perfect love will drive out all my fear.

thank You.

I'm on a pilgrimage to find and meet God. i believe there's no better thing and nothing more inspiring and worthwhile than to meet Him and obey Him. i mean this week i've learnt important lessons which i really really want to remember and internalise in my life.
i've learnt to put Jesus as the center of my life-- and everything will be well with me!. i've learnt the need to persevere against trials and temptations, for that builds character (James 1). i've learnt to submit and obey. i've learnt that God is for me. i've learnt to trust Him and put Him first.
how precious is the sweet name of Jesus! that saved us from our world of sin and brought us to fellowship with God and freedom from death and sin!

it's wonderful and truly awe-inspiring. God is. just pray that it'll continue and You'd find me faithful.

i mean alot of times i blog about these spiritual things because they're what concerns me. i mean i could blog about lots of earthly things but then again they're not that important in the light of eternity. you know, alot of times, our souls just yearn for God, our souls just crave for the living God and yearns to talk with Him. and we alot of times block out that need by filling our lives with busyness, with lots of music and rhythm and beats, by conversation and mental thoughts, when our hearts are really just craving for God. i'm glad that in the small moments of my life i'm able to sense a little bit of His direction and feel a little bit of God. just have to be more trusting and allow myself to be used by the Holy Spirit. but yeah i thank God that he's still merciful in spite of my sin.
i mean yesterday was band and the music was good thank God and i really wanted to write a song about the sweet name of Jesus because that was what i really felt, that Jesus' name is so precious and alot of pple just misuse it but really it's so precious it's the most precious name ever man. as the hymn goes, Precious Lord, take my hand.

today i was really quite off, because mebbe i was just trying to put the spiritual part away from me in order to get some rest. but it wasn't possible! in fact the whole day was really not that good. the only good part was the lunch and walking around with jing but other than that tennis was rubbish, and at colin's place save for the fantastic food and wine (Seifried Estate Winemaker's Collection 2001 pinot noir, fantanstic stuff, cost me a bomb too, sigh) the conversation was not good for me-- it was only when i was alone and praying to God about the day and actually slowing the pace down in the bus was everything much nicer, and much clearer-- i could find my soul and my peace again, and i din really need to talk so much because i was at peace, i was still before God and stuff. at leasat there was a bit of stillness. i could feel life in a totally different way i didn't feel before. which was great! so actually being with God (or not) makes so so much of a difference to me. it might not be, to others, but to me it is. i mean i am nothing without Him, truly nothing. my basic facilities are too rudimentary and crude to be of any use in this sophisticated world, and i'm just dumb without God--only with Him am i able to really be somebody and be myself. it was ironic it had to happen this way-- i was just thinking a few days back, is it any different with God or without God? Yes yes there is so much of a difference i don't want to go through this again. haha. ironic lesson.

anywae having said that the wine was really good.

praise God for my life.

Today has been great. so many things i've learnt! so many things i still need to work on.

firstly though, I need to trust more. and to know that God is always for me and always wanting me to come back to Him. i pray that i'll just come back to Him and trust in His unfailing promises. i only need God--that God is with me. nothing else will i cling on to lest Satan get footholds. Elder Ho just prayed that i'll resolve anything that's in my heart with You O Lord and Holy Spirit please remove my fear and anxiety. i keep fearing for myself i just need to know that in spite of my sin and unlovingness You still sent my Lord, Jesus Christ, to come down for me to save me. in spite of this you are merciful--i can just give thanks and praise You for your mercy. I can give thanks and praise you for your goodness and love. i shall not look back at my sin but praise you for the new life i have one of joy.

i struggle with sin. alot of times, we forget who we really are (For me, i'm a child of God) and wander off some lonely path hoping for some instant gratification, but then, we get lost there; we wanna come back, but it's a struggle, to put aside our pride and confess our disobedient sin. and so why should we wander? why don't we learn to keep on the straight and narrow path that God has created for us to walk in, under his cover and protection and authority, being obedient, living by faith and being obedient to his Word, and instead of being so distracted by the things of the world and the temporary temptations of pleasure. i want constancy. i want consistency. that's how i find my identity. i hate this compartmentalising of life that i sometimes do, as though praising God and worshipping is for church times, and in army i can do as i like coz it sucks anywae, and being with secular friends i adopt secular mindsets; that's just wrong. constancy, shawn. that's your identity and it shouldn't change. that's the only way to really walk with God. i am going to be judged for the deeds i do on earth on the whole time.

my soul longs for You O Lord. I am tired of this mundane existence sometimes. it's easy to just be happy about little things. but i realised that nothing else suffices except knowing You.


anyway batch reunion was good; talked to a few good friends i haven't met up with, met up with some ac pple, some classmates, some assorted friends from og and stuff, reminisced about the old times of BBTT. it was a great excursion. the music wasn't brilliant but the spirit was there. that's what matters.

help me God to live for You! To know you is the best thing. to have constancy. not to forget it when i wake up tomorow.

one thing i learnt: to do my QT before i go online/waste away/do other useless things! it's so important to put God first, even sequentially, because you'd be fresh and full of life and able to absorb what God wants to say and maybe your online life will be better. so what i've learnt today was:
1. spread the word! be like the honey bee. don't keep the good news of salvation to myself!
2. seek God first and everything else will come (after examining the patterns of my life;)

so well doing QT first and pt 2. are really quite the same point.


anyway the weekend has been good. friday was fun, playing tennis with chris. went to a tie-break, which i lost. but it was good coz i was able to strike at will. playing piano after that and teaching some guitar. saturday was really joyful. the music was good in the morning albeit the lyrics were wrong; the keys were right though, esp no such thing john mayer. pretty joyful later on at the civil defence academy doing IPPT admin. 'heart of worship' on the way back on the 172 really touched my heart as i worshipped God in the bus. but yeah you can worship God anywhere right. it's all about Him and not about me (yeah as the song goes. hmms). oh wells.

and maybe i shouldn't go to clubs and pubs too often. i realised it isn't very good and it isn't something that i really really want to do anyway.

the pristine shoreline of east coast malaysia  

nice scenery=)  

i'm looking rather kiddish in my shoes  

the trees are lonely, but not us!  

fabian doing the v  

me and lim yong, near the resort=)  

Me! 

Today was a wonderful day! Simply joyous. though, it didn't start off very well. i got sidetracked quite a bit, and did some things which i really shouldn't have done. but soon i realised that that wasn't what God wanted me to do. i meditated on Psalms 1, and i realised that the righteous, those who love God's law, are like trees planted in streams of living water, who will bear fruit, whose leaves will not wither (they will not die), and whatever they do will prosper. i imagined myself being like that tree, and the resolution was to follow God's Word more and to obey what He has said in His Book. I shall resist the evil one. I hate the evil one because he makes me do things i don't wanna do at all. And the verse 'resist the devil and he will flee from you' is so comforting. i have nothing to fear from Satan, because I belong to Christ and Christ is stronger than the evil one in the world. i thank God for that protection. he cannot hurt me. alot of times i just allow satan to just come in and mess up my life because i am so weak and all that. so any evil i'll just allow it to come and i'll just succumb to that without resisting. now let me be stronger O Lord to discern good from bad and to put up the armour of God to protect myself from the evil one! and that means, being strong in You, O Lord, and to have wisdom to discern.

on the way down to bras basah with ben k and before that at the MRT my resolution was to have a new start. last time i'm always on this up and down. and now i decided i will live for Christ. i will not care about what music sounds good or whether certain songs are in my head or not. those things are not important. my relationship with Jesus, who died for me, is not determined by music or what music is playing in my head now and how that symbolises what state i am in in my spiritual walk--it just doesn't work that way! i will live for others, to be salt and light to others. and stop living for myself no more. i will love others. this is a chance for a fresh start. i am thankful to God for that chance.

we always say, 'love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength'. alot of times we only know it intellectually, and how i wish i could practice it in reality! and in tecman, the bookshop, I could just feel the sweet love in my heart as I said the name of 'Jesus'--the Name of Jesus is so wonderful and sweet! I could feel how much I love Jesus. I love Him! i could feel it in my heart. and when i prayed for ben to find his book, the sensation was almost physical and so emotional, i could feel my spirit rising up inside me, in my heart, rising up to meet God's Spirit. i could feel the love in my heart, an uplifting of spirit. It wasn't just an intellectual belief in Christ (Which we all know), but it was truly manifested in an emotional and physical way. I thank God for that!! I am joyful.

i spent 30 min in QT today before that asking God to increase my love for Him. and i think that's why God helped me to open my eyes to see His love, shed on the cross for me. Tecman's great. it's so peaceful inside. God's love and presence is peace.

this post is a strong reminder that God still cares for me and that He is still for me, it's just that i have forgotten, in my weakness. so 'remind me, remind me dear Lord'.

church camp was good, by Dr David Sherbino. the location was very peaceful, the beach nice and rustic, the walkways almost foresty. a pity the older youth of my church didn't go, but there was still the younger youth for company. i thank God for all the youth, mark choo, tim teo, tim chua, tim tay, my cousin keith and kern, michelle w, jess and pam and clem, lionel etc. for company, and for my nice roommate fabian! lol. and the messages were all about drawing near to God, to build up the inner part of me. the first day was about solitude and silence, how to filter out the noise and slow down the pace of life in order for God to speak to us; the second day was about holy reading (lectio divina), which is about taking a piece of scripture, reading it, meditating on it, praying about it, contemplating what God wants to say in our lives, and to allowing us to internalise it; the third day was about prayer, saying short prayers like 'Jesus, Remember me', singing taize songs, singing the psalms, even being still before God as the Holy Spirit is interceeding to God with prayers for us. i really thank God for that opportunity for a fresh start to draw near to God. I pray that i'd be able to keep up what i've learnt and to apply it in my daily life and not let satan win the battle. i really pray that I'd be able to live up my life as a Christian.

I belong to Jesus, to God!
thank God i can live just as i want to, under His wings. no longer to be subject to a yoke of slavery!