Musings

How do I know if I like a girl?

I am confused, like a surge of waves that rides up and down.

I wish I could be as constant as the Northern Star

And I am worried that the fears are causing whatever buds of love or like there may be to be choked from the start

And I am struggling to recall the times we spent together. Was I in love with you? Or am I just trying my best to love you because I want to?

Wanting to love someone but not actually doing ! Ah the curse of the human condition! 

(loving someone else that I shouldn't love, like someone else's wife - now that's even worse).

It is not an easy ride. I am struggling: I am thinking what should I do? I am not myself. 

I want to be at peace with myself. 

21 February 2015

It's tough to be a single, and waiting, and  waiting for God to provide a suitable helper for me.

It's hard to trust God when I can't see anything; hard to trust God when there are no plans for my life that I can see. 

Why is it like that? 

is there really someone out there that god has in mind? 

Can I look past the here and the now and to see God's purpose for me being concrete and real?

I don't know.

Wines

It's been a nice time trying better wines these days. These are some of my favourites:

Morgeot Premier cru (chassagne-Montrachet) - full of minerals, lively, with real acidity and a long finish. Good stuff.

I really loved this Yves Cullieron Condrieu from la Petite Cote (2010). It was superb, very full bodied and rich with honey peaches and some white peppers. Delicious. 

Last but not least, a st Joseph from e guigal. this was easy to drink, full of spice and with medium tannins. 

life

Maybe I am really such a bad conversationalist - such bad company. Not fun, always judging, always moody; always worried. No wonder people don't want to be with me. No wonder I get "daoed" on whatsapp chats and all that. No wonder no one wants to ask me out. No wonder I am such a bore, a chore, a slave. I have a medical condition and that keeps me from leading a normal life. I am not persevering. 

What did I do wrong? 

It's not about me is it.

you can't cheat God.

you can cheat man and pretend to be all nice when you are a scumbag inside.

I am not a nice person not one bit; I am too self absorbed and a lover of self.

God must help me..

you can't cheat God. you can cheat the world and men but God knows your heart. it is evil Shawn ? evil.

And you know what, only God through Christ can change my heart...

Come to think about it, I was a bad boyfriend.

Not very loving, not very kind; not very all-that things. Not self-sacrificial like Christ is sacrificial.

But Christ Jesus wants to save me, the most undeserving of sinners. It's amazing. And it calls me to give up myself for the sake of others.

learn to deal with being ignored.

time heals everything, waits for everything. and love waits. in haunted attics. sorry Radiohead. I guess I feel some shivers down my spine, literally. It's kind of cool this feeling - perpetually. And sometimes it creeps on you and you want to shout it out but then you can't, because it's too strong this feeling.

Feelings are easily manipulated. You can choose but you can't run from the power of emotions.

It's okay it reminds me of Phuket last year February 2012. It was an interesting time.

The problem with my brain is that it must learn to forget - to hold on to only the good things, and to let the bad thoughts go.

I need to guard myself against the evil one - and to PUT MY HELMET OF SALVATION ON - every Single Moment.

it's not perfect - of course - but it is the will of God. life doesn't have to be perfect for you to start living.

break the link between "salvation" and good or bad times. good times doesn't mean you're saved and bad times doesn't mean you're not saved.
you're saved, in the good or bad times.

amen.

may you

if they don't reply you on whatsapp, IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE NOT YOUR MUMMY.

Stop taking those people who love you for granted, and don't try to win those people over who don't love you - you're not the orchestrator or conductor of the universe. It isn't this way.

May you, Shawn Poon's heart, love and cherish every single person on this Earth as precious and loved by God.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, not be crushed by thorns of this evil world.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, cherish others as you are cherished by God.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, be a conduit of love from God to this world.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, love, nakedly, freely.

For it is by grace that you have been saved, not by works, so that no man may boast.

Whether we like it or not, care to admit it or not, humans have a tendency to want and love to boast. We love to blow our trumpet, to make ourselves seem more superior to someone else, to make ourselves seem more...godly, as though doing something good will enable us to earn more favour with God. For me I have to say this has been something that has plagued me quite a bit, in always trying to earn God's favour, in always trying to win him over by doing some good works or more. I guess it's partly the Singaporean culture or the Confucian nature of the patriarchs who lord it over, and then everyone tries their best to garner their favour by doing more good works in order to, you know, get into their good books. It's the same with bosses, that's why people try to curry favour with bosses, they try to win them over by being more submissive, do them more favours, etc. But GOD isn't  like that. That's living by "works". But it's useless. After all, what can men do to remove their own sin?

But the whole idea of grace is totally different from that. Grace is simply God's work, God's work. Grace is God lavishing his love upon us, our hardened souls, and giving it to us, just as we are, because He loves us . It is GOD saying i want to be with you, I want you to dwell with me forever, I want you to be with me, i want to be with you, I want you. I want to love you. I want to be with you. I want you. I want you to be with me.

It's how a husband wants his wife, to love her to cherish her and to be with her (or something like that since a mere human analogy cannot capture perfectly God's heart). And God is still with us - here with us - Emmanuel - GOD WITH US - GOD IS ALWAYS WITH US.

The problem about living by works, really, is that it's a horrible life to live. No matter what you do, if you live by works, you will always feel insecure, not good enough , etc. It's a horrible life to live, a horrible place to be, always trying to merit God's favour. NO one should ever feel that way, as though they aren't loved enough and they have to do things right in order to gain favour with God.Believe me, I was there, I was in a horrible place, due to my OCD, which emphasizes having to do the right "rituals" in order to gain favour with God. It was a tiring life, really, and it was very draining. It was very emotionally draining, because of my bad feelings which really were just a product of my OCD and not my mind and not my relationship with God. But this thorn in my flesh is something that is powerful and it seemed real. but actually it isn't. It's just a flesh wound. But then these bad feelings made me need to find assurance with God again and again and again, like a million times each day. It can be to accept him again and again and again, until I was so drained and so tired. It was a crazy life.

I went to the Crossings Church by pastor Dinesh, and the sermon really spoke to my heart. I remembered driving around little India and thinking about Jesus and He asked me to focus on Him which I did and what i was learning is that I always have these idols in my life - but hey, you know what, our hearts were made for God, and unless we have God as the centre of our life and the only thing, we will never be truly satisfied. There's a God-shaped centre in our souls which can only be filled by Him. After all, we were created by God for God. So if He created us for him, it follows that only He can fill it. Through Christ, the only way to God. But we filled it with other things, our relationships, our sex, our lust, our music, etc, and I was reminded that actually I am trying to fill up my life with things other than Jesus. Which is the most horrible thing, because who loves me more than Jesus? Who died for me? Who paid the ultimate price for me? Only Him. It was so good and I know that to be with Him is the most amazing thing, as I experienced in the past and even now and will be tomorrow. Nothing will ever change, and nothing will. Because of the faithfulness of God to me, a horrible undeserving person.

At the Crossings Church, the message was on Genesis 28:12-21, on how Jacob was a horrible son-of-a-gun who used God's name to steal a birthright, was a horrible person, and was running away from home. He was homesick. Esau was out to get him. And then he had a dream and the dream was about God, and a ladder, and angels going up and down it. And he said "surely the Lord was in this place, but i did not know it". He did not deserve one iota of God's love/grace, but God that very day came to Him, though He did not know it or deserve it. And Ps Dinesh went on to speak of how we all need God, and there's a hole in our hearts that can only be filled by God, and that nothing else really satisfies or can fill that hole that only be filled by God. I remembered crying throughout the sermon, maybe because I was just so emotionally drained, and so tired of doing things for God and trying to find God. I remembered using up about five pieces of thick tissue, and my soul was touched, definitely. And I remember being reminded of God's faithfulness, that He said that He will be with Jacob (since he was with isaac and Isaac's forefathers), will be with him, and his future (his descendants). And I was reminded of Jesus's same teachings that He told his disciples - that He will be with me to the ends of the age. And i was reminded of how the same God, who did that to Jacob, will do it for each of us, including me. And the same Jesus does not change forever.

And the reference in Genesis was later alluded to in Luke, where Jesus spoke of the vision that the angels will be descending and ascending over Him - since the difference between that and the Genesis version is that, in Genesis, it was a ladder, whereas in Luke, Jesus replaced the ladder with Himself, saying that He is the ladder, He is the way to God, and so - go to JESUS.

That's really the whole gospel isn't it? God has done everything, God's provided the ladder - Jesus - which is the only way to Him. Just go to Jesus, embrace him, receive Him. He loves you, just go and embrace and receive Him.

Jesus told me that he has chosen me. And it's HIS CHOICE. I guess in the past I always wonder whether I have truly received the Lord. but I am reminded, just, that JESUS has chosen me and received me. (Let's not go into the predestination debate, but I truly believe that Jesus chose me and the only way i received him is because He called me).

The cool bit was that I realise my that my cell group did the exact same verse too, John 1, which had that analogy as well. It was a pity i couldn't go since I was stuck in reservist. My head is spinning but I give thanks that my soul is revitalized.

the lord has come back into my life - at least that's the feeling

humdrum 1/300

I am rather drained.

Tired mentally and I believe, it's a lack of good hormones and pheromones. I believe I need far more dopamine than what is currently existing in my brain, because I am having very little highs and everything seems flat.

There are occasional moments of joy that is a result of God's faithfulness, sweet comfort, warmth, and love; but apart from that life is drudgery, a grueling mix of work and other commitments. 

My friends have, well, all kind of ran away, busy with their own things. Maybe they'd be free to meet up on weekends, I don't know - I guess work makes one very isolated - the "space between" of Dave Matthew's Band springs to mind. There's an emptiness about working these long hours - cue "The loneliness of a crane operator" (Elbow) - that makes one feel isolated. It's of course nice to go home to a loving family, a loving wife - but we all know that - in the midst of singlehood, and when family is, well, sometimes rather distant and dysfunctional, it is, perhaps, more illusion than reality.

I am trying to improve my writing, and being in a law firm has really helped quite a bit. Perhaps, trying to think rationally, and to verbalize each word before it is put down to paper or to screen. These things help. I am not, however, very fond of this keyboard - it is extremely cumbersome and fragile. Of course, these things don't really matter.

I am waiting for 6pm, but there are tons of things to clear today. Perhaps typing this out during my lunch break is cathartic, but I don't seem to have alot of friends. Most of them have forgotten me, too caught up in their own worlds. Maybe I should get attached, but getting attached for the wrong reasons, to wrong people, is far worse than not getting attached at all. Maybe I need friends, but I am too scared of getting too close to them sometimes for fear of them seeing what kind of horrible person I am.

Perhaps I need some self-reflection. I believe sleeping earlier will definitely help my psyche, which is usually sustained by the unsustainable caffeine surges and destroyed by the inevitable caffeine collapse that comes afterward, usually at about 11.30am. Then I wonder when lunchtime will come - and so when it comes, I go out to eat, and when I return - it starts again. If there's coffee, the caffeine crash will hit at around 4.30pm - it usually does. Then maybe I will go out for tea. That's tentative. But maybe it will all be normal should I sleep early.

Not having enough sleep makes me feel like a zombie. Some parts of me shut down, especially the empathy. The mechanical processes like the cognitive thought which is required for work - that's alright, it has to be done - but the love and empathy and feeling are almost completely dried up, drained. Things scare me. The fear of your boss creeping up behind you, exploding. The fear of a nasty or bad email sent your way. So maybe it's time for me to go on the aggressive - to put them in their place. The reason why people are aggressive is because they don't want to be on the defensive. It's why I sometimes like to drive my car in a reckless manner - swinging in and swinging out ala Lombard Avenue in San Francisco - to scare drivers - because I am, really, scared of them. I am afraid of accidents that's why I drive aggressively.

Aggression, to ward of the over-conscious psyche and the over-defensive psyche.

Not very healthy.

Maybe I should read www.psychologytoday.com. It is a good read, if you haven't already read. It's extremely helpful, much of it is about sex. Not very useful for me now.

I am hoping this blog can be my little version of "the Diaries of Adrian Mole"; I don't think so.

Hmm.

the feeling of alienation after a long day at work where the mind is exhausted and sleepy and tired, and the emotions even more mixed up. perhaps I'm spoilt and expect too much , perhaps. my emotions are out of whack and most of all I'm lonely . people come and go - is that to be expected ? its the feeling of alienation after a long day at work which is so irritating . it is the sianzness of feeling emotionally detached. from it all.
maybe I don't love myself enough. I always think i am a horrible person tsp I am afraid to go around people for fear of exposing to them what a horrible person I am. I think , rather than hoping for their betterment, I am more guilty of schadenfreude. I'm not happy with the way I am? but maybe too stupid to change or too stubborn to change.

but I have a hope because God loves me and has saved me already utmost utterly. And that body that is dying to be transformed may one day be transformed - if only I die to Christ daily , and again and again. a never ending process but something that must be done.

I am, joyful.

the thing about OCD is this -
I think of a horrible thought x. Let's call this "thought x".
I try to ask these thoughts to go away ... keep casting it away
but it takes a while to go and it won't go away completely - it still lingers on the back of my mind.
but in the midst of all that? the brain has labelled that thought x as the most harrowing thought - has labelled that thought x.
And sometimes as the mind has already captured that thought, it always keeps it in its subconsciousness.
Then sometimes when I am having an OCD attack and the thoughts keep racing in, my mind wanders, half-tempted to be led to thought x, but it doesn't bring relief to me - unless I decide to give up the fight and say that thought x. that's the only way to bring relief to my anxiety because my brain , always holding on that thought, is always looking forward to and holding on to that traumatic thought.
but actually doing the thought and actually meaning it - that's not good- it becomes extremely distressing ...



Gods grace is sufficient for me in my trials through my thorns.

lack of inspiration for songwriting and anything creative - i wonder why, probably it's the lows of a daily life or a fear of being too caught up by emotions which will trigger OCD. probably the latter.

sleep alone

There's something to be said about sleeping too much. But somehow for me it is a defence of being away from the world, away from the harshness of this world, in my own apartment, where I control the forces that sometimes rage too powerful for my mind. 

sleeping too much also has other disadvantages, namely, a spinning head, not enough oxygen, the like. but it is perhaps a small price to pay for some peace.

chords

I am so excited about the new Les Miserables movie - the trailer looks awesome, and if it's half as good as what the actors claim the movie is going to be, then we're in for a blast.


Anyway, in memory of the lovely musical, and in fact this year's the 150th anniversary of the book, here's the chords for "Epilogue".


Dm - Am - Dm - Am - Bb F/A Gm C D
F#m
Alone I wait in the shadows
Fmaj#5
I count the hours till I can sleep
A/E                                          D
I dreamed a dream Cosette stood by
                                                A
It made her weep to know I die.
Fmaj#5
Alone at the end of the day
D
Upon this wedding night I pray
A/C#                                                D
Take these children, my Lord, to thy embrace
                            C#m                D      E
And show them grace.
             A     Bm C#m   D
God on high
               A    Bm   C#  D
Hear my prayer
                C#
Take me now
           F#m    A/E
To thy care
                      D      C#m
Where You are
             Bm        E
Let me be
                A   Bm C#m D
Take me now
              A   Bm C#m D
Take me there
                A   Bm C#m E
Bring me home
                  A
Bring me home.

(Fantine's spirit appears to Valjean)

FANTINE
Dm                                Am
M'sieur, I bless your name
Dm                                    Am
M'sieur, lay down your burden
Bb                                     F/A   
You raised my child in love
       Gm          C            D
And you will be with god.

COSETTE


Gm       Eb       Gm     Eb

Gm

Papa, Papa, I do not understand!
Are you alright? They said you'd gone away.

VALJEAN
Am
Cosette, my child, am I forgiven now?
Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day.
F#m
MARIUS
F#m                                                            Am
It's you who must forgive a thoughtless fool
F#m                                                            Am
It's you who must forgive a thankless man
     Gm                                      Eb
It's thanks to you that I am living
       Gm                                                  Eb
And again I lay down my life at your feet.

                         Ab              Db
Cosette, your father is a saint.
 Ab                                Db
When they wounded me
                       F#                     B
He took me from the barricade
 F#                     B
Carried like a babe
                               E           D#
And brought me home to you!

VALJEAN(to Cosette)
G#m                  D#m
Now you are here
G#m                  D#m
Again beside me
E                             B/D#
Now I can die in peace
      F#                            Ab
For now my life is blessed...

COSETTE
               Db     Gbm                            Db   Ab/C
You will live, Papa, you're going to live
            Bbm          Ab                Gb
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

VALJEAN
       Gm                                          D
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die
     Cm
I'll obey,
            C7
I will try.
                F
On this page
  Bb/F               F             C/E
I write my last confession.
              Dm
Read it well
          G                     C
When I at last am sleeping.
              Bb 
It's the story
        A                          Dm
Of those who always loved you.
          Gm         
Your mother gave her life for you
         Gm/F                  C
Then gave you to my keeping.

(The other spirits, including Eponine appear)

FANTINE
                    F
Come with me
           Bb/F                       F            C/E
Where chains will never bind you
                 Dm
All your grief
      G                       C
At last, at last behind you.
               Bb
Lord in Heaven,
            A                       Dm
Look down on him in mercy.

VALJEAN
 Gm       
Forgive me all my trespasses
           Gm/F                   C
And take me to your glory.

FANTINE & EPONINE
F
Take my hand
       Bb/F                     F      C/E
And lead me to salvation.
                 Dm
Take my love,
       G                    C           C/Bb
For love is everlasting.

VALJEAN, FANTINE & EPONINE
        Bb
And remember
        A                                  Dm
The truth that once was spoken
      Gm
To love another person
                                     C
Is to see the face of God!



             Ab                        
Do you hear the people sing?
                    Db/Ab            Ab
Lost in the valley of the night
               Fm              Bb                       Eb
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light
              Ab                                                    Db                          Ab
For the wretched of the earth there is a flame that never dies
                  Fm                       Bbm               Eb             Ab
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
                  Fm                                            Cm
They will live again in freedom in the garden of the Lord
                 Bbm                                                      Fm
They will walk behind the ploughshed, they will put away the sword.
       Db                                             Bbm                             Eb
The chain will be broken and all men will have their reward! 
                Ab                  Ab/C                           Db                                   Ab
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
                                          Fm     Bb                      Eb
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
             Ab                        Ab/C                     Db                               Ab
Do you hear the people sing? Say do you hear the distant drums
               Fm                      Bbm                  Eb                 Ab
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes


                Ab                  Ab/C                           Db                                   Ab
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
                                          Fm     Bb                      Eb
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
             Ab                        Ab/C                     Db                               Ab
Do you hear the people sing? Say do you hear the distant drums
               Fm                      Bbm                  Eb                 Ab
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes


F#      Fm      E

                       Ab

Tomorrow comes!




chord transcription by shawn poon 

maybe that's what the LORD meant when He asked me to wait for you. Oh well, the grace of transformation is real in my life. Amen.

Emma Yong's gone, 1/3 of the Dimsum Dollies [the others being Pam Oei and Selena Tan]. Didn't know she was suffering from some form of sickness, cancer, perhaps - but now she is gone and I hope, in a better place. Poor husband, dated her for 6 years, married her [she claimed it was the 'happiest day of her life'], and now, having to miss the one he loves for a lifetime. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but eternal parting [until the next life if one believes in that] is even more painful.


Mr Purvis used to talk about Emma and her talents in performing, the way he'd talk about the luminaries of the Humanities Programme - Aaron Maniam, President Scholar, yadayada. But I remembered her name. I didn't even know she was the winner of the Angus Ross prize. And I didn't know she could sing, but well, in retrospect I should have known, huh.


Here's a link to her performing Dick Lee's "When all the tears have dried", from the musical Sing to the Dawn. It's a lovely song that speaks about the decisions in one's life. Dick Lee is actually such a talented songwriter; apart from this song, the ubiquitous 'Home', he also wrote Leslie Cheung's "zhui", among others: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OviyNptln9Y


The lyrics of the song are rather memorable, and I have decided to insert the chords so that you may play along. Here goes (chords below):


A (with a A5-A6 motif]
I trusted every morning sun -
A

Taught me how to rise

A
To stretch beyond the darkest night –
        F#m

and reach the open skies

D                                 A/C#
Perhaps I shouldn’t trust so much –

             F#m                      B
should learn to close my eyes

        D                              A/C#
The sun still shines on wooden bars –

      F#m                    D
the bird that never flies

Chorus:

       A            E/G#                            F#m     A/E

But if I turn away from what I’ve started

           D                   A/C#                 Bsus4 B   E7
Then will I always wish that I had tried

      A                          G#mb5 C#7    F#m    A/E
By breaking free will I be broken-hearted

           D                        E7                           A
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

A (with an A5-A6 motif)
I know how much it means to him -

A
It means the same to me

A
But if I keep him from his dreams,

         F#m
what will the ending be?

       D                          A/C#
Perhaps it’s time to step aside,

       F#m               B
and lose my only chance

       D                          A/C#              
It’s always men who play the tune,

          F#m               D
while girls can only dance

       A            E/G#                            F#m     A/E

But if I turn away from what I’ve started

           D                   A/C#                 Bsus4 B   E7
Then will I always wish that I had tried

      A                          G#mb5 C#7    F#m    A/E
By breaking free will I be broken-hearted

           D                        E7                           A
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

     F                        G/F       C/E         Am
Is this the price I have to pay for winning?

    F                            G/F        C/E       Am
I never thought that I could hurt his pride

         D                       E/D        C#m   F#m
This shouldn’t be an end, but my beginning

          D        Bm           D          B7              E7       F7 
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

      Bb           F/A                             Gm      Bb/F
But if I turn away from what I’ve started

          Eb                 Bb/D                  Csus4 C F
Then will I always wish that I had tried

      Bb                    Am7b5     D7       Gm      Bb/F
By breaking free will I be broken-hearted

           Eb             F                                      Gm   F Em7b5
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

Eb    Bb/D     Cm
What will I see…

F7                                     BbWhen all the tears have dried?