marmalade pantry rocks. had the apple crumble but my friend's toffee thign was really really nice. so sweet and with a nice aftertaste. nice conversation. the ambience is really nice man. perfect place to bring ur date, you could stay there forever man. songs floated in and the mood was almost dreamy.
and i was startled to learn things. but it was really interesting.

for the songwriter, the unavoidable truth is: it comes to you when you aren't looking for it, when you're thinking about anything other than actually writing a song. think abt drugs, sex, the good life, anything, and it'll come. look for it and it disappears. how transient is our mind.

so today was actually a good day. hmms. positivity. that's the attitude i'll bring.

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

So I was the other week> last week if I remember correctly. just too caught up with creating a nice song, writing a chorus, thinking about music too much. argh. it really sucks. it's much better now i guess. maybe because my perspective is getting better. i'm not being shallow and superficial anymore. i am back to living and being someone, active rather than being passive.

and i love travis. and i think 'everytime' by britney is actually a nice song. really nice. sigh.

just got back from a friend's concert. not bad not bad. some really skilful violinists especially at the end of the first set and the second set of bach was really nicely done. familiar piece but done nicely.... the teacher must be really proud of them. went to stomp wif sheng on DDR. haha. i lost. but who cares. good exercise. im getting fat.

i'm going to live for God. read ephesians 2 and how we were 'created to do good works'. so here goes. and we sang 'make me a blessing' in church today which was really nice because yeah i want to be a blessing. write christian songs. live for God. tell people about God.

i will not boast in my intelligences, because they are fleeting and they pass by like the wind. i will not boast in my looks, because they (are non existent) are transient. I will not boast in my gifts, because they can be taken away in a jiffy and are inconsistent--sometimes they are here and soemtimes they are not, and so what do I do when they are not? i will not boast in people, for people come and go. 'But i will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection'.

hows life these days?

life is not bad. in fact the past 3 days were actually quite good. friday i took off and just hanged out and slept till real late. went to play pool with ben and ws and later i and jerm hit off to town to catch 'house of flying daggers', which wasn't really good at all. and later we went to kino to look see and i got a book, 'one hundred years of solitude' by gabriel garcia marquez. seems an interesting read, wen en recommends it. so yeah i'll just occupy myself with reading i guess.
saturday was realyl fun also. played guitars and jammed with darren at his house which was really nice...haven't done that for ages and brings back memories of just hanging out at his house almost every week or something during the hols. fun fun fun. played some pool. went for wen siang's birthday party! COOL. nice to see everyone again. i was really stoned at the start, really tired, and maybe because of the wine, and everything was army talk, but later on the night got really fun with daniel and his antics and hanging around in kevin's room. that was sheer primary-secondary school boys' night out pleasure.

and keane's 'somewhere only we know' is great, i hasten to add.

i realised that alot of my songs are sad. i don't know why. it's probably because i'm usually quite happy-go-lucky that it has become my modus vivendi, and so when sadness and a little bit of melancholy come my way, i can crystallise it into a song, a tune, a mood. but how do you crystallise something that you already know too well? it's too familiar, this party. you can't express it. it's no different. it won't transport you.

but hello. how's life? life is much better and i'm thankful for that.

I think I am truly incapable of feeling true human emotion and human connection. I am incapable of connection.

I don't know why.
But this insecurity is killing me. This paranoia that people are just sweet-mouthing each other, when really they hardly mean what they say.

They can say 'your'e so nice' but it really means something else.

okay i must stop this because i always do something stupid and yah it sucks arggghhhh

Things are in limbo yet again, aren't they....

they always are.

Funerals are just very weird, interesting, things. it's like, why does it take a funeral, or a death, for people to realise the importance of living everyday to the best you can, knowing that life is short, a wisp, a little breath, and then we pass away. and there's no turning back, no room for regrets, no space to say 'i should have done this', or 'i should have done that'; it's all useless, all wasted.
so isn't it more important to live according to your principles and love everyday because you know that once you don't, even regret will not save that day from being a waste.
 
hmm.

so how's life from last time, hmms let me think, i don't know for sure. i'm sure things were fine, they usually are.
 
had a nice dinner party at colin's house last saturday. met up with an old friend, had an interesting time talking about situational puzzles. played lots of good tennis on sunday with chris. sigh. but wasted, i should have gone to BAYBEATS!
 
everyone said it was so funky.
sheesh.
wasted.
 
 
my life.
hmms.s..
 

Bad news. never mind what it is, just bad.

it is just providence, really. somehow, at this stage of our lives, we are so influenced by MTV and the pop media about living your life to the fullest we forget that it's God's purpose that really counts, and not your own. you can't choose God's purpose for you, you weren't even born when he decided why HE placed you on this earth, and it is for HIS pleasure not yours. not mine. somehow i think deep down inside we knew what purpose he's called us for, but maybe we don't really listen and further that purpose to see whether it is really that way, we just treat it as the passing wind.
and it's not the way i should be living my life, is it.

nothing on earth comes from ourselves. it's all providence. our talents, our life, friends, our family, everything, all we ever needed or made us happy was from God, and somehow i just want to be thankful and proclaim thanks and how he's blessed me. i gotta realise that because God loves me, I need to proclaim that love to others, not as an obligation but because i am so inspired and so touched by God's love that i should share it.

now as i wake up i should pray that all things will be well. i daily put my trust in You, O Lord. and i shall not confuse the gifts with the giver, because it is You who has given me life,and the gifts, and I just want to praise You.


and as i watched spiderman, i realised you can be young and still make an impact on the world. i'm already old enough. i should stop kidding myself that i am young and time can still wait for me. then when will i stop thinking like that? at what age should i grow up and do something good to the world, or something that God wants me to do? how old was David when he killed goliath? i'm never too young to do anything.

so i should be consisent about my life, consistent all the time to God's plan. and what God wants.

Had a good time today. played tennis with ben at his new condo, which he said was white when it was really maroon=), and was fun....went shopping and got a top. topman. okay, nice design i guess

am starting on a new book, rick warren's 'a purpose driven life'. i don't know. i guess i'm sort of in limbo as to what God wants me to do. the priorities were wrong, and all that. whatever. it doesnt' matter. i'll put away the OLD and the selfishness of living for myself and start again living for YOU. It's okay. better late than never. so i'm on to the first chapter. wonder what the rest will bring.

so what i've learnt is;
1. it's not about me, but about you - my life is not about myself, but fulfilling what you desired for me, what your purpose is.
2. you know me better than i know myself -- so i will trust in you and wait on you because you know better.
3. life has no meaning living for myself, but it has living for you --
self explainatory.

onward to a new future.

It's really a blessing in disguise to have to do phone KP duty (in the afternoons, during lunch), because it means that, when others are gone from the office and all, i can have really long, quiet, quality time with God and do my quiet time then, which will allow me to walk better with Him, when i need to be strong in Him to be a good testimony and to help me walk right and find peace/joy/true love. because this is my destiny. i cannot help but want to seek my Maker, for it is the source and goal. it is a 'zero', the base, just as any building has a base, so my base is God.
it is as simple as that. we can build our nice buildings on top of each other, and all, but if the base isn't right, everything falls. everything.

daily i surrender to you, everyday. take my life and let it be songs of praise to you O lord.

let it be.

I just had one of the weirdest dreams. I dreamt i went back to RJC.

and..

1. i met my class girls, sitting by a canteen table cutting cake. i wonder why. they called me.

2. i met X, whom I have never talked to before, in my life. it was funny because X just came up to me and we just started talking. a pretty good conversation. the funny thing is, i didnt' even realise I was talking to X for the first time, and after a while did it spring to mind. i became more self-conscious after that. everyone else sang happy birthday to X and X looked pleased, and i didn't realise and only got to wish X happy birthday after that. tehre was a big cake for X.

3. I went around looking for Z, but to no avail. because there was some event which required help or something (or maybe Z was just avoiding me)

4. There was free food buffet-style so i grabbed some.

5. I think, somehow, I must be mad.

I've been having so many weird dreams recently. i even dreamt my scdf band mates were in a computer game i was playing.

help i need help. lol

I'm taking off tomorrow to watch holland v portugal. the match's coming up in a few minutes time ooh i can't wait it's my first euro 2004 match btw. how sad is that, army boy.

but it better be good, i am dying for it to be good.

i just realised that, at night, your mind is a mess and your hair is flimsy and everything's blurry and you feel almost drug-induced. but maybe it's just me. it's a crazy world.

you'll never know what's coming.

------------------

WHY is it that people in society bond with their own kind? or like, in camp, it seems easier to talk to people from the same educational backgrounds and so on? before people start accusing me of being elitist and snobbish and so on, let me explain that it is not my intention; in fact i am questioning why such things still happen even when i deliberately make it a point to be conscious about that image i might give.

i do not think it is that people deliberately refuse to mix with people from above them, or below them, but probably because they are incapable of doing so, or do not find it comfortable to do so. for one, interests are different. because society shapes the interests of people, we are more likely to be interested in the same things as others who are part of the same sector of society. furthermore, it is a comfort zone, i guess, because we are always connected with our past.


you realise this can be extrapolated to the whole of singapore rite. and to the whole of the world.

When we were young we thought we could conquer the world. So I thought of big plans, and what i could do, but it is now distant, and i am left to rue the paths that i did not follow. what would i be if i had taken them? only God knows. but it seems as though i've lost that inner joy that was in me to become who i am and who i want to be. that inner joy that stems not from things but from God and from a knowledge that 'i can do anything through Christ who gives me strength'. So somehow that is lost and i remain, passive, sedated, waiting for life to bless me and hurt me, rather than being in control of my own destiny. that's the way shawn has been. maybe it's because of disappointment, maybe it's a disorientation, but somehow i'm not the same anymore.

And now the world rushes by, and too few are the things that I have done, which I had wanted to do; time moves on, unable to turn itself back ; gone are the opportunities i once had to fully live my 12th year, or my 18th, for that matter. because, as people say, we are unable to fully live life until we realise how there's no turning back. 'youth is wasted on the young'.

And so i remain a silent observer of life. Unable to join in the game anymore, sitting there, observing how everything moves and how people enjoy and how they interact. and all i do is to explain what is happening when i really wanted to be back in it.

----

i just realised that the difference between Christians and non-Christians is that, for Christians, they can never be truly happy away from God, nor can they be truly sad with God. happiness, after all, is God. deep down, it is.

I just had the weirdest of dreams yesterday.
I dreamt that there was this girl (okay don't ask who it is) who was sitting in some large hall and I was trying to get her attention but then, she never did, for once, look at me! like, i saw many girls sitting around, and she sat at the back row center next to another and I was staring all around but somehow she was content to look elsewhere. sigh i'm a failure. maybe it's a sign of something lah.

and there was another girl, and i remembered i tickled her ear and everyone was looking at me lik what's his problem.

okay i must seek psychatric help. i think i need it....must be army ah.

One word: I love the acoustics in the Esplanade Concert Hall. Beautiful. You hear the sound of silence, the ringing tone that comes after all is still. And in that stillness of air, you hear beautiful melodies and rounded harmonies.
That's cool for you.


---

Having too high expectations of life really sucks, personally. I guess because I've enjoyed lots of highs and fun, especially with good friends from last time, being involved in all of that, I'd tend to expect the same things now. I tend to expect that every outing, or talk, we'll have would be one with some form of meaning, some form of deep connection, not just a mundane tete-a-tete that means absolutely nothing. But no, I cannot expect that. i must not. Expecting that only means that when it doesn't happen I become insecure and start questioning my whole existence and how come it doesn't really happen.when all you get is 'friendly his and simple goodbyes' (from 'i cannot expect). maybe that's why i prefer the company of girls sometimes, because guys often find it difficult to express their emotions. i can't blame them. but sometimes it gets too much when all they speak of is National Service and guns and all that. i mean, yeah everyone is in Army now, and maybe i'll never understand this, but, dont' you find it a bit more sian when you're OUT of army and you still wish you're BACK IN it from the way you talk?
i'll never understand it. but even when boys were not in NS i could never really understand what they were actually feeling at the moment, or if they were feeling anything. because most of the times boys think, they dont' feel. at least they try to keep an objective logical stance on any issue which really irks me because i believe that no stance is truly logical or objective anyway. so...

(oh btw i love bloggging. i feel much better after that. it certainly helps you to straighten out your thoughts because sometimes all you need to do is write)

so that's why going out with girls are betta! girls, you can talk to, they enjoy and understand emotions much more, and they try to blend in rather than wanting their own way, at least in the general sense that's the impression i get. i mean, head-strength is a masculine quality, while acqueisence a female one, isn't it.


but i really know it's all God's will and sometimes that's all I need to know.

People just need to relax. Not to the stage when everything is left on the shelf and life becomes a struggle to finish work; but just enough so that things are completed and yet stress is reduced to a minimum.

One must see it this way.

There are so many hours to do work. And yet the work isn't that much. It's still so manageable. Just do your share, go home, and be happy. we can all be friends. what's with all the bickering and the blaming of each other?

Mistakes will be made, for we are human. we are not God. and the right attitude to take with regards to them is to relax and enjoy the mistakes and ensure they aren't repeated.

because. it's scary to be too good. i wonder how human you really are. we should strive for efficiency but please don't take away our human emotions or love for each other.


---

and if you read these blogs, i don't think anyone will know what it is all about.

but neither do i.

i'm rambling, but that's good, because things are more honest.

----

like Sarah said on her blog, hillsongs is really good, and yeah i also remember what darlene said about 'it's not a pretty melody, it's my heart, and my life'. the problem about pretty melodies is that it detracts you from God, because you're so focussed on the melody you forget about who the melody is for. so more important is to focus on God, and if the melody wants to come then let it come.
and i really liked the 'walk humbly, be kind and compassionate' part, too...
hmms

----

the commentary on Ronald Reagan in Time Magazine was stirring in one phrase, that which mentioned his belief that God has a plan for him and all he wants to do is to follow that plan. such faith is so wonderful and such an inspiration. i mean, things happen for a reason. and perhaps the reason why things don't happen the ideal way is because, well, i wasn't made for it. and if i'm not made for it and God doesn't want it then who am I to say I want it?

this is so confusing, isn't it.

you don't get it. but sometimes you can't have it. because if you have it then you won't actually enjoy it, because it doesn't fit your life.

okay so it really isn't it.

hmms.

okay well, so it takes a j1 to realise this: (taken from my junior junior class's blog)

"the people who get the most down are so down probably because their sense of self-worth is measured by evidence of their achievements, i.e. medals and grades and thingys you win etc. or how you look on paper. and so now they can't be at the top they feel like failures. but this is fundamentally wrong cos self-worth should be based on uh. other things i guess. as in. what other things would vary from person to person but i don't exactly think the most important thing in anyone's life should be achievement in terms of winning things. cos thats basically a selfish way to live and even though okay, man is basically selfish we can try not to be can't we? and give life some slightly nobler purpose? and if you try to think this way after some time things may start looking up. like you start living for friends or for cca or for lessons etc. just appreciating these things in themselves. and you set goals and try hard for those goals but you stop trying to win everything. and life gets peachier and rosier =]"

what pearls of wisdom. Such people, who can see beyond their achievements and the immediate and have confidence in themselves because of who they ARE and not what they DO, are hard to come by. especially in rj. if only people'd learnt earlier and not waste their lives fighting for useless futile things, maybe we'd all learn to love a little more.

sounds like trite to you, but then, life is a wonderful journey and the negative things that come my way don't deserve to spoil my fun. i am, optimistically buoyant about my future, and that's how it's meant to be. thank you!

urm. yups. i don't know. should i be a lawyer?? i must pray. hmms. i odn't think so, though. how do u be a Christian and be a lawyer at the same time? as purvis says, are they 'parascites on crime?' so how? so how? hmms. must pray.

Just went for FOP(festival of praise) yesterday; it was a wonderful praise session just worshiping God with so many other Christians and it was great because it was total; we worshipped from the bottom of our hearts, putting away all distractions as unimportant in the splendour of praise and worship, and it was with all our hearts. and so i want to thank God for that chance to be there, and for the uplifting and the chance to dedicate my life wholly to you again. thank you.

i wrote quite alot of christian songs after that. it's great to write christian music, very uplifting and well i don't know, it's like, just some things i want to say ,right.


hmms. i miss my friends too.

On Music

Music is such a high art form that it takes years of training and immersion to simply touch its surface and understand a bit of its concepts and ideas. Here I shall try to make sense of what is known as ‘Tempo’, after reading a wonderful book in the Esplanade library on the subject.

Tempo
The tempo referred to here is not simply the rhythm, whether it is jagged, syncopated, etc., but the pulse, how fast it is when you count the beats, 1-2-3-4, is it fast or slow. This element is often neglected among performers and listeners, but it plays a very important and elementary role in determining the mood and feel and the entire makeup of the song. The correct tempo should be one that allows the song’s melodies to be eminently singable, not too draggy so that the melodies all fall apart to become individual notes (because the sense of rhythm (and I mean rhythm, not tempo) is lost as a result), and not too fast so that one is hardly able to ‘hear’ the note itself cleanly, which is bad as well. Hence it is probably more accurate to state that there are a range of tempi that a song can be played, and this range varies from a very small window, perhaps for some rock songs or dance tracks when the tempo itself is crucial in adding to the feel of the song, to jazz standards etc when there is probably a looser sense of rhythm that allows performers greater flexibility.
It is not necessarily true that tempo is always decided by mood (happy songs=fast, sad songs=slow), but the greater determinant is the melody in itself, as singled out earlier, but the shape and form of the melody itself. For instance, ‘moon river’ has a large expansive shape, consisting of a perfect 5th up (which is characteristic), and slowly leading stepwards down to the 4th and up again to the 5th in seconds. Because of this large expansive shape being the characteristic of the song, it is only natural that the tempo allows for this broadness, this expansiveness, symbolized by perhaps a grand in-out movement of the arms. On the other hand, a song like ‘Happy together’ will become stifling and boring if it were to be in the same tempo as ‘Moon River’. The verse is rather rhythmic (stop start), and the melody is rather narrow, consisting mainly of seconds, in a descending sequence, and hence the tempo is more edgy and fluid (gets on with it) so as to convey that unique rhythm that characterizes the song. Furthermore, the part ‘I do’, which is on the off-beat, is to be sung in a tone which convinces the listener(the girl) that he actually does ‘imagine me and you’, and hence it has to be rather fast, because the style is one of a man trying to both express his emotions, because deep down he is romantic and feels for her, and wants to hide it, being a little afraid of an unfavourable reaction from her. So hence the mumble ‘I do’. Moreover, the part ‘I can’t see me loving nobody but you’ is to be joyous and exclamatory, a outpouring statement of love and devotion, and hence it is delivered almost anthemically and with a vigour that is conveyed in the tempo of straight beats that are almost martial.
I shall continue more next time. If any of you are playing in a band, this is really important—too many times have I heard young kids, especially, play piano too fast, or old men play too slowly. It is not how fast or how slow you can move your fingers, but how tempi affects listening, that’s the key.

God, in His infinite mercy, gave me the opportunity yesterday (Sunday) to turn back and follow Him as a disciple. And how can I not take up that wonderful offer? May You be the center of my life. It is not, God is up there, I am down here, I am communicating, but, God is in me and I am just in Him and everything i have is flowing through Him and He controls it.

The service in the morning was really cool. Thanks to God, somehow all of us played well; somehow God's calming presence enabled us to all play in time, and for once our drummer was cool!! yay! i mean we struggled so much during rehearsals that when it was so good in the real thing it is all up to God's grace and even Uncle Sam was quite surprised we managed to do it. The message was really good. Pastor Daniel showed us 2 pictures; one of a formed Paul and Peter (all scupltures by Michaelangelo), and one of the unformed Matthew, with only his torso formed but the rest still stuck in cement, and challenged all of us not to be like this Matthew, who has started his spiritual journey but in the end lies stagnant, never finishing the race that he has run. I don't want to do that. I want to grow, to bear fruit, to know YOu more to draw closer to You and all that; just to learn a bit more everyday. I dedicate my whole life to You please just use me.
And later on during worship at night it was a wonderful elated experience within me that praised God through the songs we were singing and I was just there prayerful and bowing and talking to Him from the bottom of my soul. it has to be this; prayer must be deep, 'deep calls to deep'. And later on I was just happy, i don't know why.

Just came back from ACJC choir concert. those people can really sing, though I'd rather they pitch better.

Be strong in the Lord, please be. Somehow I know God has made you strong for this day when you are able to look to Him and let Him enfold you in His arms, in the midst of all the memories and the feelings and emotions that well up inside.
I know that, my friend. please take care.

'This world is not my home, I'm just a-passing through. My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue'

-for a friend-


--
Life's rollercoaster of ups and downs never seems to end, and it's interesting how everything comes and everything goes in an instance. It was like, I was so happy I got accepted into law, because it was so competitive; the next day I fell sick with a horrible flu. And then like last thursday or friday music just seemed to flow through me, I could hear very well again, could write songs, sing well, in pitch, and everything. Full swing 180 deg back to today, so tired, outta sync, my playing in church was so off.

I have to realise that life brings surprises and new experiences each day and I have to cherish these experiences because they are oh so precious and your life is determined somewhat by them. Cherish them i will, I will.

--
She is so pretty. sigh. (okay nothing nothing)

--
life is unfair
--

I am probably fortunate to be in SSU (my dept) because everyone is happy and friendly to each other. But that is also our biggest curse, precisely because I value honesty. And I can't imagine why everyone can be happy everytime. Sometimes when people are angry and frustrated, it's only human to show it, and when it is hidden under a veneer of happy smiles, it frustrates me, because there isn't any real emotion then. People aren't people anymore. What I like is for people to express themselves naturally in front of others, instead of being a person who simply fakes everything for the sake of preserving his image. I don't care about mine; LOL; i just live. i do not find it glorious to be the most happening, most hip guy around. all i want to do is to live according to my principles, be in close touch with God and with the people I love, and then live true to myself. that's all i ask for, man.

one of the greatest problems about NS is that it distorts the mind and destroys everything that was unique about the individual for the sake of harmonious uniformity and cohesive team spirit, esprit de corps they call it. and so how do they do it? they try to make everyone carbon copies of each other, human robots, eschewing human difference for the sake of efficiency and speed. and you wonder why governments complain about people's lack of creativity. it is precisely because of this. to be different, to slack, to be lazy, even to rebel, is all part of us that allows us to move away from the accepted line of action, and that's when creative paths can be formed. unfortunately, NS doesn't allow such privileges, and so how do you expect that from our men? i do not even want to speak of the social alienations NS creates; maybe after 2 and a half years they'll have forgotten how to speak to girls.
seriously, if robots weren't totally nullified by EMPs, we could scrap NS altogether and have robot soldiers instead. now we have soldiers masquerading as robots.

Of Roses and Thorns

Life's journey is littered with thorns. Occassionally there'll be roses, but you really have to find them. People struggle to meet end's meet, feed their families. Life is hard. Yet those who can find their roses among the thorns and build little beds for these roses to grow in their lives are the ultimate winners in life. You have to grow them yourself because there isnt' enough roses to go around.

I need direction, somehow...

And stability

and consistency.

But ultimately the people who I will respect with all my heart are those who will live their life enduring everything the world will throw at them, be it the pains of OCS or heartbreak, etc, and still have it in their hearts to love others and wanting the best for them. and in the end who will be left?

i will respect them. sir. *salute*.

Epic movies serve to make me feel how insignificant I am in the whole scheme of things; our lives come and they go like the wind, and years from now, who will remember our name? It makes me appreciate how much God loves me, for He is ruler of heaven and earth, and of all the lands and of all the peoples and of the ancient times to the ends of this age, and yet He cares about me. I feel privileged, and how can I take this for granted? Please don't let me; I feel scared to let go--let me cling on for as long as I live. like how the troy priestesses worshipped their gods, whom they never saw; how much more should I love and worship You O God. so many times we take You for granted and let me start afresh by realising that you have plans for me, and how can you work if i don't let You, let You take control, and involve you into my everyday and my everynight?

i need help. lalala.