Do good things for people. be obedient. have a fresh start. stop thinking about the past and comparing this time to that time and all that. it's about cultivating good habits and doing good works for God. stop that up down rubbish. you can control your own destiny. shawn. wake up! stop that ' today's a down day, today's an up day, today's down coz i'm in camp' mentality. it's not true! it's a lie that your life fluctuates based on your circumstance. control it! do good! you'd feel betta!

just be obedient huh. i'm going to chuch camp from wed to sunday, i'd hope it'll be good.

thank God for all the people around me. love you guys. i try my best i hope. when army brings negativity, thank you God you're always there to be light hope i can shine for you too.

i have to do good things for people. like the pastor says, care, give, love, show concern, share.... for the people around you. it's not for expectations of blessings in return, it's just a good habit. tis'a just a good way to live, is it not?

instead of being selfish.
lol.

God, you're my Heavenly Father. I proclaim that You are full of love. you're a loving God. you want the best for me, and if the best for me is to follow you because you're my Creator and you know my purpose, then what am i doing living for myself? argh. follow You! follow You! let me follow You because You love me. outta love. i have to have a fresh start. a fresh perspective. enough of these up-and-down days of wondering what it's all about and all that. a new start. a new start. everytime we have new starts. i gotta know where i'm going, what my purpose is, my direction, instead of just floating in space. it's too confusing this way. once i know my purpose i'd be more grounded and i'd be more effective for You O Lord. Thank You for the messages shared today at prayer meeting. how we are to be planted as trees near streams of living water where the roots grow deep. how we all have a purpose and we are to seek what God wants for our lives and follow that. have faith. love.


many times we get distracted and we run far away from that stream. but then coming back is difficult and painful. you have to uproot (literally). so please, stop running away from the stream. stay there. it's better there.

so help me to have a fresh start! lead me in the paths of righteousness!

The problem with me is that i'm just too judgemental. i look at people and go tsk tsk how can you do this and how can you do that? but it's all a journey, shawn, we're all going through this. just because you seem to be alright in some areas doesnt' mean you can criticize others in these areas, because well, you aren't mr perfect yourself anyway.

i feel absolutely rotten in NS anyway. what's the point of making us work so hard and study so hard for 18 years to leave us rotting in NS and wasting our brains away. i mean, what's the point in that. i know there isn't any other practical solution, but then, well, just a thought. when i'm there i just feel so hard-up, needing to get away, needing to connect, adrenaline, yet having no physical outlet to exert it.
it's incredibly rotten.

I haven't been updating this page in a while, which is well, a natural progression to life.

anyway the weekend has been interesting. friday was spent playing pool at BTP. saturday was spent a little sick, resting at home, till the FA Cup finals at night; sunday was rather hectic and it was fun being at tania's house for a gathering--missed all those people! my past, the heyday of yesteryear-- all revisited. chatting away, met josh and bernard, lorraine and the others. interesting, interesting.

monday was spent playing tennis, which was not bad; managed to score some good points. went jamming but that wasn't very good at all coz there were just too many guitarists. i ended up hanging around. that was just, sigh. nvm. it's okay. still more a pianist, anyway. tried to write, didn't end up very well. got a few half-baked songs so far. hehs hehs. it was really fun later on at home coz all the aunties and uncles started singing their childhood chinese songs and i was laughing my butts off. i mean some of their songs are really so interestingly simple! they're so cute. laughable also. haw haw haw. and they came with actions. har harr...=D my auntie nad my mother were dancing away. i was there playing the guitar for them but laughing most of the time.

--

Jesus didn't just give me His talents, or material blessings, etc ... He gave me His life. now think about how big that sacrifice was: if i were to give my life to someone, it'll be so much more than just giving him my gifts, or my time, effort, money--it'll mean the end of me, the end of my entity, the end of everything else-- so it's only natural to be thankful and give everything I have to Him> and guess what, the keys are unlocked, the mind becomes clear, the past is revealed. music flows, songs come through easily, as though it's not me playing the piano but Someone else. to hear the bass notes of a chord. it's rather interesting. the dream-like states of existence. you're in the middle of it all, listening and wondering abt how everything came through. gotta find the swell.

if you give yourself to God (and this is for me to remember as well!) He'll give you far more than you can ever imagine, hope for, or even want (at this present stage). and this is what i really really really really really really really have to remember.

today's service was awesome, about how to be a great Christian-- to identify with Christ, to serve Him, to know His will and to know Him and to follow Him, to remain faithful. this vs the world's definition of greatness, which is how much you have, how much you own, how much you can do, all that stuff. so the main objective of our life is to be great for God. to identify with him and be an ambassador for Him to the world.

you know, it's difficult.


let me know you Lord
let me know you more intimately, and well, than i've ever known before
let me know your sovereign will, and follow it
let me feel what you feel, feel your heartbeat
let me obey what you're telling me
not on my own strength but yours
not for my glory but yours
(this is not a song btw)

it's difficult, but it's the only way. everything else leads to ruin and drivel.


worship is great. i hope it's the start of something good again. another good trend, please. it's the nitty-gritties of life that will truly be the true test of my mettle, whether i can stand firm against temptation or succumb in a moment of weakness; whether i make the right decisions each and every long arduous day; whether i manage to say the right things at the right times. it's difficult. but everyday i will trust.

It's been a nice ambling saturday, waking up at 2pm, going to church at 3.30pm, coming back for another snooze (Again), and basically relaxing. not needing to have alot of highs and joyful bliss and boom boom happiness, but simply enjoying a bit of melancholy, caressing the beauty of language, being nicely sensitive, content with myself.
going out is fun but being the introvert i am, just need my private space. well, not really.i enjoy meeting people. it's just that the hustle and bustle of a boys-going-out sessiont hat is rather tiring. heh.

i can't even begin to describe today's Quiet time experience. the day didn't start out well, with family issues and stuff, but later on i really immersed myself in prayer to the amazing Lord, and simply have faith, that the sovereign Lord of the heavens and the earth is more than capable to do much more than we could ever imagine of Him, beyond our wildest expectations. and i learnt to be still, calm my mind down, ask God to remove the distractions away, and be honest to Him. not say things that my mind thinks i should say, but say things that my soul really wants to say. and it made all the difference. as i continued to wait upon Him i could feel my body just cracking up, in a good way, in the same way that a massager will make your muscles crack up, but this was throughout the whole body; and moreover as i prayed that i would please God, which was one step greater than just knowing God (i started praying that I'll really know God, but later on the verse popped up in my mind "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6)), and it is to seek to please Him, because God is a God who rewards, is an ever-flowing Spring of joy and happiness. And well even though I didn't articulate it well, His JOY suddenly welled up in my heart, flowed through my heart. and later on i felt those physical sensations. it was totally amazing. i thank God that as I opened my eyes all the hurt and the pain was gone. all the muscular tensions were gone. i found there wasn't any distractions. my mind was at peace. my soul was at peace. thank God for His amazing gift and now i realise that's where the best place is. under His wings.
and His joy will be my strength! and His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. it's total dependence. learning to surrender! yay.

live by faith
walk by faith
come to Him in faith

must have more discipline, to do my quiet time before i go online. (as responding to the previous post) i need to get my walk back with God again, i remembered a period when i was totally focussed on God, my body and my soul, getting right with God first before i do anything. last time i remembered to set aside my time first for God and then everything else will be good, because the body is important as well; later on i began to drift into sleeping through my quiet time. which is really stupid, because well, we have to be effective. and then i sleep with the lights on.
sigh.

gotta be good.

more discipline, O God, more discipline, to grow everyday, to learn new things, to be filled with a constant appreciation of you, an awareness of Your presence, to constantly grow, and to constantly walk with You. This is where I belong, and where i find rest.
"I just want to be where you are, in your dwelling place forever
Take me to the place where you are, I just want to be with You
I want to be where You are, dwelling in Your presence
Feasting at your table, surrounded by Your glory
In your presence, that's where I always want to be
I just want to be, I just want to be with You"

we always think that the world is always much nicer and we're always searching for nicer things, but the Beatitudes that I've learnt today taught me, perhaps, that it's important just to be content. just to be with God, and in Him, Lord you are the source, the centre, need nothing else. to be honest, and to be changed and sanctified everyday, because we always struggle with sin. but dead fish don't struggle. it's the battle we still continue to fight, that by His strength we'll overcome.

to surrender all to God and let Him take control. let it drift away, let all the hurt go. be thankful about joy.

but more discipline is important because it'll enable me to study His word more attentively and understand more about God through His Word, because it's divine and useful for so many things, and it is God-breathed. and thus how will i know how to please God if i don't even know what makes God happy? so i must be more consistent about my QT. because it's a marathon, and every little bit counts.

Great songs have great sentiment. it's warm and heart-warming, emotional. sentiment's the word. not extreme emotion, but just a light heart-tugging sentiment. sentiment's the key. i'm trying to write my songs with good sentiment as well, the sentiment that will allow you to feel with others, treat others sensitively, apologise to your mum for being so bad the afternoon before, apologise to God for thinking the world revolves around me, learn to love and be loved again. it's good sentiment, this. that song had it. sometimes i just revisit it and i'm amazed to find out how much good sentiment that song had. no wonder it was popular. it's not lush. it's more bittersweet, charming. that kinda thing. i'm working on another one now which is just pretty good too i'd think. really really really have to work on it. need lyrics!

and words are the key also. words convey so much meaning in them, it's criminal to take them so lightly.

Had a pretty interesting theological conversation with my friend about things we dont' really agree about. but mebbe we do and it's just misinterpreted. haha. alot of things are like that. but there is God's love that you can't misunderstand.
i never really realised how much God loves me. but then i read hebrews chapter 9 and 10 about how we have been already justified by faith through Jesus's sacrifice. for me perhaps i always lived in the shadow of guilt for the sins and for the fact that i want to be sanctified but keep falling into sin--but yet that isn't what God is. He is love, and now that the blood of Jesus has cleansed me from sin, I am righteous before Him, justified by my faith in Christ Jesus. i always think sometimes that i am unworthy to talk to God, sometimes, but i know that I am fully worthy. i am dearly loved. i am his beloved, his creation, as the song goes. and through the Holy Spirit I am truly blessed and empowered to live.

I just had a great 4-day break, seriously. it's one of the best, for several reasons. i just wish everyday were just as good. thank you Lord.

maundy thursday service was simply brilliant, as mentioned in my previous post. words can't do it justice. i felt truly worshipping and felt my heart being softened. i think in army sometimes your heart gets very cold and rough by all the politiking that's around you and you forget the soft-side that you used to have. i just want that soft-side back. it's Christ Jesus's real physical suffering that expresses truly God's love, and how God watched His son die on the cross and felt the pain and all that that shows we really must mean something to Him, i thought. hmm.

on friday i played soccer early in the morning, for about 4 hours. it was really good exercise, for me tired legs and my tired body needed some exercise. scored a few goals, some were quite nice. rested and chatted with mich for a while on MSN. slept. had family dinner. went to wala's with quek and joel etc for E.I.C which was not bad. a bit smoky, but good fun and company. songs were not bad, though i'm getting quite sick of rock, actually. lol.

saturday was great in the sense that i played tennis early in e morning and chilled out later. the brilliant thing was that the piano was finally tuned! i can't express how grateful i am that it's tuned. eh. because a tuned piano sounds much much better. i can hear the nice blend of chords again. i can hear the tinkling of the keys and not feel so odd 'cuz of an off-note. was tinkling with my bossa nova song that's coming up. on the way, on the way. went to church for music practice. hmms. in the end i was getting tired and things started to go downhill. ah well. sunday and i went to church. rested. went to fort canning park to watch electrico et al perform. only good bands were electrico and eic seriously the rest i dunno what they're doing. lol. wish i could perform too!


hmms. oh wells.

been trying to write Christian music. it's really difficult though. you have to really worship God at the point in time you're writing the song. it's easy to just cough up some verses about God and stuff, but to write a cogent and concise song that tries to bring people before God takes divine inspiration, seriously. i'm still waiting for it, if He wants me to write for Him. oh well.

now to the serious stuff. i'm just saddened by how so many people just live for today. i mean, somehow so many in army just live for the army and their days off are just, well, for them to goof around and have fun. nothing's wrong with that, i was a recruit once, before the days of the comfy 8-to-5 routines. i know how it feels, to be stuck in camp with no place to call home, no freedom, to listen to orders, and all that. it's like your soul being sucked out of you and you have no control over where it's going. and how you have no control over your moods and all, because there is authority, and there is everything. of course it isn't the best time of your life. so everyone wants to have fun when they're out. what really leaves me pondering is, well, what's life all about? surely it isn't just for today right. i mean. if i weren't a Christian i might have been stuck there. i'm not trying to be preachy here. but perhaps everyone should be working towards something. i don't know what it is, but it's pretty saddening to be living for nothing.

it must be the media. about how they tell you you're young and that you should be having fun and all that. well well. it's as though time is going to sneak up on you and one day tell you 'you're too old, be resigned to the living room or the old-mama-senior-citizen's-club' or something. so you hear things like 'you only live once' (which is true) and like you're 18 so you should be like this like this like this. come on, have your own identity. for your own sake. in singapore everyone's the same anyway.

my thoughts are wandering.

i feel sometimes that i'm hidden from others through a veil and that others can't see who i am. it's sad it's sad. i just wish that sometimes i may step out from it and say what i honestly feel and think and maybe i'll be able to connect somehow with the millions of people out there , the beautiful souls that they are.

Maundy thursday service was so very good; it was like i could just sing at the top of my voice to the Lord, and worship Him whole-heartedly, and sincerely, as hebrews 10 exhorts us to do, to draw near to Him with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. to see his suffering on the cross and everything. and to just worship and worship. i have left the life of sin behind, now all i want is to follow Him.

i can't describe it. it's no use, nothing can describe a worship experience. i want to use my music gifts to serve Him. as e Spirit leads, to write music to allow people to see Him. if, well, the Spirit wants to use me. up to Him up to Him.

anywae i went to record some old song 'Happy' at Sam Chee's house today. pretty fun experience, playing e guitar, with his effects pedal. if any of u want e song, can ask from me. download from here thanks+) it was fun it was fun.

thanks everyone for being nice.

shawn

Blogging is paramount because it creates an outlet to the world. And ironically I am now using not even my own connection, but someone else’s router, to the net. At least I still have a voice here.
I know most of you out there reading this column would hardly want to revisit my life and see the things I’ve done and whatnot. Sometimes it’s just a matter of me trying to remind myself about the good things that have happened. So here are some good dates. 16th February, Wednesday, was phenomenal, because of the presence of great music, tunes, and the ability to hear harmonics on the piano while playing some tune, namely ‘Fields of Gold’ the Eva Cassidy way. And then so Saturday 12th March 2005 was also rather brilliant. It started off with a hearing-in-the-mind of ‘Autumn’, accompanied by much prayer to get the delicate rhythm right. It was at such a languid tempo, slower than 60 bpm, that the verse is somehow too draggy. I still haven’t found a way of solving this mismatch. Hmm. Camp was fine. What was fun was the going-out-shopping cum dinner with tim, Jeremy and ben later on, meeting quek and joel after that. It was the usual heightened interaction coupled by my renewed sense of confidence in myself. I was finally able to actually communicate with tim for a while without all of us having ego problems. It could be me, or him, but anyway it was good. The band at indochine was lacklustre although the car ride home was pretty fun. Quiet time, though, was really good. I committed my life to God and said that I’ll serve Him foremost, and learning to have faith and believe strongly that things will be better in the future and He can do anything. I was focusing on John Bevere’s book ‘Undercover’, and the closing chapter included the parable of the mustard seed, and the power that faith could bring to our lives, manifested in obedience. I mean I’ve been down with cynicism for a very long time, being in the army and whatnot, and kept believing that my life had seen already its glory days back then in JC and Secondary School and this is now a preclude to the horrors of working life, but I realized that it’s not so. The ironic thing about Christianity is that it runs totally contrary to the world’s logic. I mean, as I grow in the Lord, things will be much better, I’m sure. And having seek God first, He also provided me that very day with music, and suddenly the delicate lilt and contouring melody of ‘Autumn’ surfaced again, once in the rush of prayer and later on while thinking back to it. And amazingly enough when I wanted to see what key it was in, the last note (so) was exactly the first note I played, which was the Eb (hence the key in my mind was Ab major). I mean I shouldn’t value songs so much but ‘Autumn’ had a special place in my collection of songs. There will definitely be better songs, there already have been, but ‘Autumn’ was the first real song.

Note: I write to amuse myself.

Back to the serious business.

On happiness

I find myself reeling between moments of euphoria and long drawn-out periods of stagnation and depression. For me I am scared of allowing happiness to last, maybe because I want to crystallize that moment in time, and freeze it, and label it as ‘happy’, and then afterward revert back to sadness, so that the period of happiness becomes even more magnified. What I don’t realize, of course, is that I’ll have to experience that sadness at the same time, which is quite a hefty price to pay for those moments. Perhaps I’m too scared of allowing myself to be happy all the time until the day comes when nothing will make me happy anymore. One has to fluctuate, one always does, because the mind is incapable of going beyond a certain limit, and no one knows where that limit is. Only God can provide that lush and abundant ‘more than life’ itself, and that’s what I yearn sometimes. It’s the only thing that can break the cycle.

On Experiences.

The trend of youth nowadays is to seek after experiences as though they were shopping for clothes. Buy, and then continue to shop, never to cease. Thus we chase high after high, not quite knowing when these highs will end, always needing something better than the current state of high for us to believe that it was a good night out. It is understandable that everyone wants to seek after pleasure, being the selfish people we are. I wonder, though, if there is anything concrete and lasting that we can take to the future from such chasing after pleasure. I wonder if the more sober ideals of love and hope will be more relevant. It is wonderful to have the bliss of pleasure in romantic love, less so, though, to love someone unrequitedly for a long long time, or to love someone who is decidedly ugly and unattractive. Who will do those things nowadays? Where are the movies that celebrate unrequited love as something noble, and not something to be laughed at? Gone, gone, gone. Everything is about instant gratification. But somehow, the more instant it is, the less cherished it is. No one cherishes a quick fling at a club. It’s too easy, almost too convenient. but the relationship that concretizes itself in marriage reaches a newer, deeper level of commitment, trust, and love, because it is a result of sacrifice. The movie ‘Closer’ emphasized it brilliantly. Those characters loved, but it was a selfish love based on physical intimacy. Was it just lust? Was it love? I wouldn’t know, but I didn’t think it was love. As far as I know, love doesn’t behave that way. I’ve seen my friends ‘platonically’ love other friends for a long long time without them actually responding in return, or even putting them in their hearts. But they continued anyway. Did their affections switch out of anger once their decision was made known? I doubt it.

I am still trying to think. It is rather difficult, some say almost impossible, in the army. But still I must carry on, if I am to prevent these raging hormones getting the better of me. It’s the army, after all.

Service was quite good...I was just in tears when the pastor was preaching about hudson taylor and how the mum was praying for his conversion....and the quote that he said, which was 'there was nothing left to do, but to accept his love and salvation and praise Him evermore...' and i was like, yeah, praising God is a result of that gratitude of His love.


went jamming today with my own band, pretty pretty cool! played bass at the start, was good (mebbe coz of the teh tarik)... tried out the jet's 'are you gonna be my girl?' and eh i think that was about it that we tried...haha. dunno. was quite messed up lol...=) what else did we try? still it was nice jamming, getting e energy up...yay. its nice coz i can decide a bit like what who's going to play and all that.... which i really can't when i'm playing with others. dont' want to impose, see. sians. justin came along for e ride, thanks alot man.

mm i think i've got a nice collection of songs for e band to work on already.... the pseudo-punk of 'happy', with the chord prog taken subconsciously from metallica which crescendoes into a chorus, the new song, 'time will slip by' (ballad style), 'i cannot expect', which is more a rhythmic guitar flaming-lips style song with a descending chord prog, 'nobody cares'' pop-punk, 'runaway now' dance influenced, and 'for you', a love song.... gotta keep writing songs and jam and jam man, i really want to record some kinda EP or something. for gang's part 'limbo' is still full of promise and the dynamic duo of 'holiday' and 'invincible' makes for interesting jamming with energy.

jamming is fun! lol.

the tele is good also.



mm the week has been rather interesting, but quite good. monday and tuesday was quite in limbo. got a new officer in town, who's from acjc. sigh. kinda weird esp when we have so many common friends, but it's fine, i'll respect authority. wednesday and the music started coming back, esp with midicode. u'll know. spoke with interesting people. thursday was spent sleeping early coz i was really so shacked. friday was good coz i managed to write songs and really feel so emotional, seeing the trees and thinking how beautiful they looked, how melancholic, how sad, the future and the past, well i can't describe it now, but there was a kind of beauty in its weakness, as though they had life: the emotions were welling, i wrote a song. the melodies were pitched nicely in my head, nergaard's 'the waltz' and all of them. that one also. lite jazz style, but melancholic. it was nice it was nice. played tennis later on wasn't good, ahhh, it really sucked. oh well. give and take i guess. physical and musical dont' go well together: i kept trying for e down the lines. mmm. gotta work on that.

saturday was really cool, got the italk...watched sideways which was really hilarious. great company really, seriously, esp during and after e show, and at dinner at fish n co, dave, gang, ck, zhihon, daniel, lim aik, zonglun...great company u guys were, pls invite me more! haha. tho i'm not from ri i'll behave myself i promise. had some meeting at starbucks, went to dan's house. fun. mm. okay u guys are cool i'd admit that=) ac not so cool at all. haha.

sunday and i'm jamming! yeah!

It was supposed to last but I know some things wouldn't. Especially when you stray it's harder to come back. At least I believe, I believe. I have always believed and I will always believe. Some things wouldn't change, not when you've experienced it. It's just that the conditions change somewhat. i'm not sure if they were meant to change, but they just did.

oh heck the melancholia. it always ruins everything. always leaves everything dry and discarded and withered, as though you were just waiting to die, clinging on to your dear life, looking at the past and hope it doesn't slip away. that's the problem about looking back. it can only go downhill. surmising your life and wondering how you ever got to such a sad state from where you were must be so depressing. and since your frame of reference was the past, you'll never be able to match it anyway.
so you ask stupid questions like:

'why can't life be like last time?'

and you don't realise that, maybe if you stopped being so negative and started looking at what you could do in the future, of course things can be much better, if you'd only opened your eyes, and started looking at life. frustration and irreverance gets me nowhere, mister, you just have to work at the little bits and pieces and start over from there. and nothing is more disturbing than fear. fear has motivated so much, but promised so little. fear, like looking back, fear of losing everything.

i have just rediscovered 'belle and sebastian' again. i've been reading their blog. no wonder they actually write good music. i'd like to think it's a product of believing in God and also actually thinking about life. too many bands simply play, they hardly think or feel. but listening to 'fox in the snow' and 'get me away from here i'm dying', i got a small sense that they actually knew where they were coming from. it's timeless music that's designed to last.

today was oddly chummy. it was prancing down waterloo street with my camp prayer group singing phantom of the opera tracks. or singing 'dip it low'. or playing with the food or the water at the really nice restaurant that we went to, courtesy of shang's good recommendation. for your info, it's at the old mg along waterloo street, brilliant place, fantastic food. it was forgetting your cares and thinking:
if these are my friends, they'd accept who I am. i'm too tired to pretend any longer. i'm too tired to pretend I'm cool, I'm classy, I'm calculated, when I am really just a bundle of nerves and emotions.

I find pretending rather wasteful. especially to the mind.

God once asked Peter (in the Bible) "Do you love me more than these?". It's a really pertinent question to apply to my life as well. alot of times i inadvertantly lose sight of the PERMANENT and UNCHANGABLE fact that God is and always will be the centre of my life, and that creates alot of problems. because when things that aren't made to be God become God, then the whole system is skewed and messed up, because God didn't intend those things (they can be anything, i'm just saying) to be the centre. and when those things become the centre you can never enjoy them anymore, because they then become almost God-like and you are destroyed by the guilt that the Spirit puts inside of you that you are putting something above God. and so it's lose-lose. you don't put God first, which you should really do, and then you don't enjoy anything, because your life is just a sporadic clinging-on to something that is not meant to be clung on to, in that aspect, but is meant to just be enjoyed whenever it comes. and it will come.

so it's not so good. so help me God. please.


i will love you God more than any of these things. purify my heart so I may see you and your glorious will which is always perfect, better than anything else.

and i have to stop judging people. i realised that God made us all differently. even though we will in the end be like Christ, that's the moral aspect; we are still created differently, just as we have different names and different traits. and so i have to really empathise and understand everyone else and where they are coming from, instead of trying to force my agenda upon them, or trying to convert them, or change them to what i would like of them. i have rather to respect our differences and respect the fact that I am made differently. and to develop in all areas. to do my best. not to be tired and always so tired and stoned, like a dead person without any life in him. but i have to grow and to be human again. to revitalise myself. to ask God for nourishment and growth. and then will i run the race strong again. for i cannot save myself but He can.

so shall i remind myself.

The brain has to work. The brain has been left in utter lack of inspiration since the longest time--the SPH essay confirmed my utmost fears, that, to my horror and chagrin, what i thought was a brain was really just a stump.

a stump that blurs my eyes to a person i am speaking with, too afraid and insecure to look at him in the eye. a martyr complex that makes me refuse to protect myself in the event that i may offend. a syndrome, of being ignored. and most of all, the worst; a brain freeze. a brain freeze that leaves me even unable to actually capture what was really being said.

i should go and see a shrink. to allay my worst fears. perhaps i'm normal after all. i'm just misunderstood. but i've never seen myself as normal. no, no. it has always been, attention-seeking, perhaps. all because of my lack of natural abilities that such tactics have to come in to play a part. i can never accept the fact that i will never be like some others. (i have to learn, yes, God accepts me (after I repent, of course) the way He created me) but, oh, does it hurt sometimes. when you are incapable of saying anything useful.

i don't know, i always thought you could be life. but now whatever life i used to have might have been flushed out of me.

i have to sacrifice, yes, to give the best i have to love, and even if nothing comes back in return, it doesn't matter, perhaps i would be happy.
because one friend used to tell me that was all that mattered. what you believed in. it didn't matter what you would have gotten in return for what you did, but somehow you were happy with yourself.

that said, dont' go to max brenner. an absolute waste of time. haagen daaz is a much better proposition. that place is overrated and with lousy service. and i had such a weird dream which featured people that i had met last night, and it was quite weird just to say the least.

this week has been a good week so far, thank God. i've been reading a new book my prayer session brought me, which is 'Under Cover' by John Bevere. It's a wake-up call to obedience, to tell me to truly be a disciple and to intimately know God. to obey God = to love God, because 'if you love me, you will obey my commands.' what an important thought. there was quite a scary thought from Matthew 7 in how Jesus said 'Away from you, you evildoers! I never knew you!' and sometimes it just scares me and I hope i'll never be one of them. But perhaps I shall just take comfort in the fact that God will not tempt you more than you can bear. Hopefully. Please God.

been playing on the piano again, and i wrote a Christian song which was not bad. quite okay. i realised that usually my pitching is often too sharp and i just have to flatten it in my brain and then the chords on the piano sound full and nice and rounded. too often it just sounds outta tune, because my brain is outta tune. it's maddening. haha. 3rds flattened and 5ths raised are so really important, though. i keep harping on it but yeah.


i am tired but its chinese new year. happy chinese new year!