The devil is a destroyer. 'he comes only to seek and destroy.' so if i destroy my life just because i hate the devil, and then am afraid that the devil has his hand on my life and afraid that the moments when i'm the happiest was because the devil is at hand (of course, it's a lie) and hence destroy myself because i don't want to enjoy myself for fear of associating with the evil one, i'm actually cleaving nearer and nearer the devil, submitting ot him (the devil) and actually building up the kingdom of the evil one, for it is a kingdom that destroys.
so can i stop destroying and punishing myself now? instead of making the devil happy, let me make God the Father, God the Lord Jesus and God the Holy Spirit happy by creating and living and being positive.
'do not quench the Spirit by fear'. the Spirit gives life. Jesus Christ is creator and Lord, He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
I like being sick.
I'm sadist.
I think, being sick gives you an aim, to be well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on the one big pressing thing looming on my mind -- to be physically well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on whether, or when, my sore throat would heal.
I have to learn to stop crucifying myself.
I used to do all that rubbish...I'd crucify myself again because I loved living in the past, and so if the present is lousy, all you cling on to is the past, and the past was good, so perhaps I'd think the present and the future would never be as good, so to amplify how nice the past was, I'd crucify myself again, and then, self fulfilling, the present would never be as good, so won't I want to live in the past?
God helps, but these old cycles keep coming back. These mental intellectual failures. These things which have no logical sense, are or not supported by any theological backings or Biblical truths, but are just product of old habit, old habit that forms and dies up but sways and sashays ever so unwantedly in your mind again just as you were on the brink of recovery, and of the hope that everything wonderful will come back again, and a lot of peace may evolve. But however no one understands how messed up our minds are, or how hard we try to find that little peace inside. Or the immense torment of trying to rid ourselves of wrong perspectives and lies which you have slowly entertained, which are lies. The more you grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers, and one day you suddenly find out that life isn't the way you want it. The hope and joy is gone. Where is the love that you once knew? All riddled in lies and wrong perspectives.
I'm embarassed at myself, fighting with my inner demons, fighting with my enemies, fighting with these thoughts in my head. Fighting and fighting. Sigh, maybe I want to relax, maybe I want repose, maybe I want to run back to the arms of my God and cling for help and ask Him to take it all away because I'm done fighting, I'm too tired.
Sometimes life comes and life goes. But the constancy of life is something I have to hold on to. If everything were so ephemeral and superfluous and truth is so subjective life would be a madness, but then there are everlasting truths, such as what God says in the Word, but then again the mind is rebelling, the mind questions, the mind wants to take an alternate stand. And then I am stuck in chains again.
I have to break out. Break out.
God help me. I love myself. I love my God and my Jesus. I don't want Him to be sad by living in the lies when the truth will set me free. That everything good comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil. To resist the lies of the devil and realise how wonderful my life will be because nothing can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. That my Jesus, whom I know, who is faithful, whom I used to have a relationship with (and still have, not by my own efforts), still loves me, despite my running aways. That He blessed my life with blessings which I should be so grateful for, but then I'm like the prodigal son, running away running away when already the greatest treasure is here.
The greatest treasure is before me. The treasure of heaven, the treasure of knowing God himself, and the wonderful peace, comfort, love, justice, mercy, that flows from His throne. So why am I still running away? Can I not test God anymore?
Law really sucks, im sitting down here blogging like a madman during my SLS. If you're a lecturer, i'm sorry, but this is democracy.
I'm sadist.
I think, being sick gives you an aim, to be well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on the one big pressing thing looming on my mind -- to be physically well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on whether, or when, my sore throat would heal.
I have to learn to stop crucifying myself.
I used to do all that rubbish...I'd crucify myself again because I loved living in the past, and so if the present is lousy, all you cling on to is the past, and the past was good, so perhaps I'd think the present and the future would never be as good, so to amplify how nice the past was, I'd crucify myself again, and then, self fulfilling, the present would never be as good, so won't I want to live in the past?
God helps, but these old cycles keep coming back. These mental intellectual failures. These things which have no logical sense, are or not supported by any theological backings or Biblical truths, but are just product of old habit, old habit that forms and dies up but sways and sashays ever so unwantedly in your mind again just as you were on the brink of recovery, and of the hope that everything wonderful will come back again, and a lot of peace may evolve. But however no one understands how messed up our minds are, or how hard we try to find that little peace inside. Or the immense torment of trying to rid ourselves of wrong perspectives and lies which you have slowly entertained, which are lies. The more you grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers, and one day you suddenly find out that life isn't the way you want it. The hope and joy is gone. Where is the love that you once knew? All riddled in lies and wrong perspectives.
I'm embarassed at myself, fighting with my inner demons, fighting with my enemies, fighting with these thoughts in my head. Fighting and fighting. Sigh, maybe I want to relax, maybe I want repose, maybe I want to run back to the arms of my God and cling for help and ask Him to take it all away because I'm done fighting, I'm too tired.
Sometimes life comes and life goes. But the constancy of life is something I have to hold on to. If everything were so ephemeral and superfluous and truth is so subjective life would be a madness, but then there are everlasting truths, such as what God says in the Word, but then again the mind is rebelling, the mind questions, the mind wants to take an alternate stand. And then I am stuck in chains again.
I have to break out. Break out.
God help me. I love myself. I love my God and my Jesus. I don't want Him to be sad by living in the lies when the truth will set me free. That everything good comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil. To resist the lies of the devil and realise how wonderful my life will be because nothing can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. That my Jesus, whom I know, who is faithful, whom I used to have a relationship with (and still have, not by my own efforts), still loves me, despite my running aways. That He blessed my life with blessings which I should be so grateful for, but then I'm like the prodigal son, running away running away when already the greatest treasure is here.
The greatest treasure is before me. The treasure of heaven, the treasure of knowing God himself, and the wonderful peace, comfort, love, justice, mercy, that flows from His throne. So why am I still running away? Can I not test God anymore?
Law really sucks, im sitting down here blogging like a madman during my SLS. If you're a lecturer, i'm sorry, but this is democracy.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I suck.
Crap life sucks.
I need perserverence not to be derailed by success but realise that life is a constant experience, and once you reach the heights of the mountains why do you keep falling down into the valleys? how much more difficult is it to climb up then to drop down? when gravity submerges everything into a meaningless experience and, for one day, you break through the clouds, and you realise how beautiful life can be... why do you keep submerging yourself? why don't you want to fly, to swim, to dream?
because i am afraid, shawn. because i am afraid that i would do something extremely stupid. because i'm afraid that my mind, like all creative thoughts, blackened in dark and green and orange, finds outlets to run to, and i'm not sure i can come back. the faith is wearing of, and i need to come back to the familiar. but the familiar is being destroyed. the familiar of green and old and the familiarity of home. the old forest is being destroyed, now. replaced by new forests. but new forests have no roots, it builds no roots into the mind.
fine fine be like that. hais.
'i'm clinging on to the last great hope
i know i'll fall and there's so much more
but i need you, i won't do.
your love's so big and wonderful
how can i ever be a part of you?
it's painful.'
hmms. i have to change.
hey listen to 'nobody's fault but my own', brilliant song. beck.
Crap life sucks.
I need perserverence not to be derailed by success but realise that life is a constant experience, and once you reach the heights of the mountains why do you keep falling down into the valleys? how much more difficult is it to climb up then to drop down? when gravity submerges everything into a meaningless experience and, for one day, you break through the clouds, and you realise how beautiful life can be... why do you keep submerging yourself? why don't you want to fly, to swim, to dream?
because i am afraid, shawn. because i am afraid that i would do something extremely stupid. because i'm afraid that my mind, like all creative thoughts, blackened in dark and green and orange, finds outlets to run to, and i'm not sure i can come back. the faith is wearing of, and i need to come back to the familiar. but the familiar is being destroyed. the familiar of green and old and the familiarity of home. the old forest is being destroyed, now. replaced by new forests. but new forests have no roots, it builds no roots into the mind.
fine fine be like that. hais.
'i'm clinging on to the last great hope
i know i'll fall and there's so much more
but i need you, i won't do.
your love's so big and wonderful
how can i ever be a part of you?
it's painful.'
hmms. i have to change.
hey listen to 'nobody's fault but my own', brilliant song. beck.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Stop living in the past.
You, shawn poon, of all people, is not the wonderful loving soul that everyone loved in JC and who loved everyone in JC. that was already 3 years ago. face it shawn, you have changed, and it's for the worse, and no one likes you anymore, and you're still alone. you're getting on the mend by the grace of God but still nowhere there yet. stop thinking you're a star and face it shawn, we're all normal.
blogging helps to relief my frustrations.
mambo night really sucked, it was freaking packed and the problem was there were so many groups that went to mambo. that's kind of ironic but it's worse in the case because you tend to flit between one group to another, in any case i do. and dancing is just tiring. it just is. don't you think so? sigh justin gan said i wasn't high at all, that's the truth. i take lots to get high, sigh, they just don't get it do they.
i've got to accept who i am, whom God created me to be, and not try to be someone else. i always fail in that aspect. let me please God please Lord Jesus my friend let me be comfortable in my own skin. please let me accept the fact that 'i was created in the image of God'. i'm better than who i think i am. wake up shawn, life is good.
You, shawn poon, of all people, is not the wonderful loving soul that everyone loved in JC and who loved everyone in JC. that was already 3 years ago. face it shawn, you have changed, and it's for the worse, and no one likes you anymore, and you're still alone. you're getting on the mend by the grace of God but still nowhere there yet. stop thinking you're a star and face it shawn, we're all normal.
blogging helps to relief my frustrations.
mambo night really sucked, it was freaking packed and the problem was there were so many groups that went to mambo. that's kind of ironic but it's worse in the case because you tend to flit between one group to another, in any case i do. and dancing is just tiring. it just is. don't you think so? sigh justin gan said i wasn't high at all, that's the truth. i take lots to get high, sigh, they just don't get it do they.
i've got to accept who i am, whom God created me to be, and not try to be someone else. i always fail in that aspect. let me please God please Lord Jesus my friend let me be comfortable in my own skin. please let me accept the fact that 'i was created in the image of God'. i'm better than who i think i am. wake up shawn, life is good.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Perhaps I just like attention.
That's why the sadist impatient impulsive id in me loves challenging social norms on what 'acceptable behaviour' constitutes.
Perhaps some part of me wishes I were someone else- is it that hard to love myself? Or is it even harder for other people to love me if I can't even love myself, or accept myself?
God accepts me but sometimes we degenerate Him into some small insignificant being and instead we care so much how people view us. We expect perfection of them when we can't even hold ourselves together mentally, let alone helping another fellow human being. Our pride gets in the way and we struggle to stay afloat and it's only by the grace of God and the everlasting love that sustains us from breaking down and renouncing everything that you loved, and knew.
We're just weak, we're just cowardly, stupid inside. We know nothing of the world and yet everything that happens in our lives we assume we know it all. We think we could create the universe if we just wished it would happen. We can't accept normalcy, or accept the small insignificant part of me is really truly insignificant and flawed. We all try to play god and build a tower of Babel. But inside us God simply waits for us to accept the fact that 'without Him, we can do nothing' and then perhaps something (a waiting, a dissatisfaction, a longing) stirs up within us and we run back to the arms of grace and we find something we have been waiting for a long time. We just hope we remain there before we get distracted by another green pasture or another wild flower. And then the whole process starts again, kept by a promise that His grace will find us no matter what.
'Never will I leave you nor forsake you'
But when will we ever learn to remain? To be content? To slay the demons of the enemy before it destroys every little bit of good that there was in us? The enemy works behind the scenes, plotting and using lies to bring about our downfall, but then, fellow fighters, the One in you is greater than the one in the world, but then again are we too proud to ask for His help? When all the resources of God are layed at your disposal and all He has to do is to will it, isn't it so much easier than fighting?
Maybe I should have left it all to God. Maybe I should have accepted His plan as being perfect. Maybe I shouldn't resist and submit it all to Him who actually deep down truly loves me, and knows what is best.
Maybe all this pride and boasting should go away. Maybe I should only boast in Christ, who died and rose again.
That's why the sadist impatient impulsive id in me loves challenging social norms on what 'acceptable behaviour' constitutes.
Perhaps some part of me wishes I were someone else- is it that hard to love myself? Or is it even harder for other people to love me if I can't even love myself, or accept myself?
God accepts me but sometimes we degenerate Him into some small insignificant being and instead we care so much how people view us. We expect perfection of them when we can't even hold ourselves together mentally, let alone helping another fellow human being. Our pride gets in the way and we struggle to stay afloat and it's only by the grace of God and the everlasting love that sustains us from breaking down and renouncing everything that you loved, and knew.
We're just weak, we're just cowardly, stupid inside. We know nothing of the world and yet everything that happens in our lives we assume we know it all. We think we could create the universe if we just wished it would happen. We can't accept normalcy, or accept the small insignificant part of me is really truly insignificant and flawed. We all try to play god and build a tower of Babel. But inside us God simply waits for us to accept the fact that 'without Him, we can do nothing' and then perhaps something (a waiting, a dissatisfaction, a longing) stirs up within us and we run back to the arms of grace and we find something we have been waiting for a long time. We just hope we remain there before we get distracted by another green pasture or another wild flower. And then the whole process starts again, kept by a promise that His grace will find us no matter what.
'Never will I leave you nor forsake you'
But when will we ever learn to remain? To be content? To slay the demons of the enemy before it destroys every little bit of good that there was in us? The enemy works behind the scenes, plotting and using lies to bring about our downfall, but then, fellow fighters, the One in you is greater than the one in the world, but then again are we too proud to ask for His help? When all the resources of God are layed at your disposal and all He has to do is to will it, isn't it so much easier than fighting?
Maybe I should have left it all to God. Maybe I should have accepted His plan as being perfect. Maybe I shouldn't resist and submit it all to Him who actually deep down truly loves me, and knows what is best.
Maybe all this pride and boasting should go away. Maybe I should only boast in Christ, who died and rose again.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Okay world cup thoughts:
It's been quite a good world cup so far: both of my favourite teams in the tournament, Argentina and Spain, have lived up to expectations, and even surpassed it, if i may say so. Argentina was imperious against Serbia and Montenegro, and had enough to beat Ivory Coast. The playmaker Riquelme's pass to Saviola was a brilliant work of art, while Cambassio's goal against S&M was the epitome of great team build-up play. I particuarly liked Tevez's goal as well (it was a relatively Maradona-like strike, wasn't it). I wouldn't be surprised to see them in the final- their combination of superb attacking flair, great teamwork, and defensive solidity hasn't yet be matched in the competition.
Spain have thus-far managed to break out of their perennial-underachiever tag, but whether they can sustain that in the later parts of the competition remains to be seen. In Torres you have a player who can play the tank-striker role (heading crosses in, etc) or run at defenders and elude them with pace, etc.-- his atheletism is superb and so is the finishing. the supporting cast has been great as well. Fabregas, ever since he came on against tunisia, made two goals, the second assist being a brilliant slide-rule pass of the highest quality . ( okay i'm biased) but seriously who knows what we can expect with david villa, raul, torres, fabregas, etc, xavi alonso, ?
SHAWN'S WORLD-CUP XI
GK: Gianlugi Buffon
DC: Philip Lahm
DC: Carlos Puyol
DC: Fabio Cannavaro
ML: Bastian Schwansliger
MC: Marcos Senna
MC: Juan Roman Riquelme
MR: David Beckham
AMC: Kaka
FC: Fernando Torres
FC: Javier Saviola
It's been quite a good world cup so far: both of my favourite teams in the tournament, Argentina and Spain, have lived up to expectations, and even surpassed it, if i may say so. Argentina was imperious against Serbia and Montenegro, and had enough to beat Ivory Coast. The playmaker Riquelme's pass to Saviola was a brilliant work of art, while Cambassio's goal against S&M was the epitome of great team build-up play. I particuarly liked Tevez's goal as well (it was a relatively Maradona-like strike, wasn't it). I wouldn't be surprised to see them in the final- their combination of superb attacking flair, great teamwork, and defensive solidity hasn't yet be matched in the competition.
Spain have thus-far managed to break out of their perennial-underachiever tag, but whether they can sustain that in the later parts of the competition remains to be seen. In Torres you have a player who can play the tank-striker role (heading crosses in, etc) or run at defenders and elude them with pace, etc.-- his atheletism is superb and so is the finishing. the supporting cast has been great as well. Fabregas, ever since he came on against tunisia, made two goals, the second assist being a brilliant slide-rule pass of the highest quality . ( okay i'm biased) but seriously who knows what we can expect with david villa, raul, torres, fabregas, etc, xavi alonso, ?
SHAWN'S WORLD-CUP XI
GK: Gianlugi Buffon
DC: Philip Lahm
DC: Carlos Puyol
DC: Fabio Cannavaro
ML: Bastian Schwansliger
MC: Marcos Senna
MC: Juan Roman Riquelme
MR: David Beckham
AMC: Kaka
FC: Fernando Torres
FC: Javier Saviola
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Having said that I 'can't wait for this to be over, thank God it's over'-- i kind of miss camp, a bit. going back today brought back memories of old times. of the office, where you belonged, of SGT Shawn at his desk--but having said that, you never reminisce the rubbish, don't you. hmm. the conclusion is - being on leave is better. i think so.
anyway, many thanks to the many friends who came for my 21st=D dont' really have photos now but if I do i'll post it up =D i don't really enjoy 'birthdays', as you call it, because i feel that one has to deliberately enjoy the occassion, if not you'd waste the money, the day, the 'expectations', as you'd call it. so i was really apprehensive, i was just expecting a hum-drum 21st, perhaps, as so many others were; but then again, our Lord decided to surprise me! when one surveys the incidents leading to the party, you can't help but have to conclude that it's only by Jesus's grace that the party was a relative success. He promised me He'd bless the party while giving me an assurance of love, so all thanks to the Lord Jesus the living God who actually cares for people even though i've been a relative failure so far.
The wine was good, the food excellent, and chris bought a grand bottle of Sauternes Premier Cru which apparently cost $85; (Appellation Barsac Controlee) that was brilliant; the two bottles of second-grade Sauternes was good, the Pinot Noir from NZ was commendable and fruity as good Pinot should be (New World), the Alsace Riesling was refreshing- so the wine was good. performed with kevin and darren on the guitars and keyboards at the party
which was enjoyable, played my new song 'still madly in love' (think that went quite well), and the old song 'autumn' (highly overplayed though, haha). went out to winebar after that at Mohamed Sultan- opened another 3 bottles, wow, and wine really goes well with Mussels, i've realised - got really drunk after that. oh well. high, i won't consider myself drunk (i hasten to add) - oh well. woke up with a headache to play basketball. haha.
So I have to thank so many people. Have to thank Kevin SW (for the ferrying me around and the good friendship (which is increasing and back to good ol' levels -oh well)
plus the MCing which got me really embarassed), for mr darren who although was really quite baikar still decided to perform in his husky john mayerish voice and for being a bud all these years=D, for jeremy and his company and support and everything the car the friendship and all=D aiya. for mr benkhoo , for dave gang justin et al, for zach, kevin ws, tim=D for duana and sheng who brought me a nice cd and mug=D for samuel who brought the girls along (Haha) and most of all, to thank God for His provisions for 21 years and for His blessings on the party. yay.
=D
there have been many good experiences in my holidays. i just have to say i'm been quite blessed, time to bless others.
highlights of the hols:
1. staying over at daren's to watch champions league, eating au petit salut=D listening to great music and writing good music=D
2. playing pool, and then texas holdem' poker at wenyi's, and then supper afterwards
3. stil tinking. haha.
4. getting baptised! (EASTER, yay). the Maundy Thursday service was really great as well.
5. monday after getting baptised: learning the true meaning of grace. God's ever-forgiving-ever-giving grace. listening to music that I wrote that, by God's grace, i was able to write. (that doesn't link right)
6. mambo night.
7. having dinner with wen en and jeremy and playing mahjong. old friends.
8. my 21st birthday party=D with trimmings and the like. with good friends to share the occasion with. with God's special blessings.
9. mahjong with kevin, darren, and kev's sis, because that was really quite ironic. i lost alot of money but had quite lot of fun.
10. prayer meeting which just ended. a closer intimacy with our Lord Jesus and our Heavenly Father. assurances throughout the day of the fact that, in His own words, I am 'saved for eternity', and in other words 'I am saved once and for all- you cannot lose this salvation'. (sorry ah, i get a lil' insecure sometimes) the joy i felt when others get saved and accept Christ. just great fellowship with God, not just in the prayer meeting, but throughout the day. plus the message of the immutability of God (how constant God is) just reinforces it. i think what I really learnt is how easily God forgives me.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
- i'm sorry, i forget easily. just tell God thanks that Shawn's quite blessed. i'm sorry if i have nothing credible to say. i have lots of gifts to be thankful for. =D quite blessed. thanks.
THE GENERAL ELECTIONS - A COMMENTARY
Anyway the elections are coming, and what interests me are the articles about the state of the opposition in Singapore. Firstly, without entering into a lot of rhetoric of how we 'need an opposition voice' and all that which have already been brought up, let's just examine 5 critical points about the opposition and the dominance of the PAP. I'll just elaborate on a few of these points.
*disclaimer - this is not a political podcast in anyway. this represents the blogger's personal view. and i don't think you can find any defamatory facts or any untruths, because there are only opinions here, not facts.
1. Local politics are extremely prevalent in Singapore. Unlike other countries, the worry is not about whether you are 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice', or how you plan to boost the economy, or whether you should raise the budget for education in Singapore- rather, the worry is on whether the MP can give you lifts on every floor, or whether the MP can provide a sheltered walkway from my house to the bus stop. You can't blame the electorate, because the majority of Singaporeans do not have the high levels of education necessary for such advanced debate to be of any influence on the ground, to be seen in the voting patterns. Someone said once that to have true democracy, you must have a large middle class, which is not as prevalent in Singapore as in a more 'ideal democracy', such as in the UK or USA. There, because people have been exposed to ideas and are trained to have political opinions, having already attained economic stability, they would more likely be able to discriminate idea-wise between two candidates based on their political ideas, and their political plans, rather than the immediate gratification of what Singapore rather functions, such as whether they'll be upgrading or not. You can't blame PAP, because, being the government, they have money to offer gifts that the other parties cannot offer, due to the magnitude of economic power disparity. You can't blame the people, because people will naturally choose the best option. There is no real solution until the education levels of Singapore really increases, and then you'd see real debate on the voting ground.
2. Considering the PAP's dominance, they can afford to boost their mandate not by squeezing the Opposition so hard until the 'pips squeak', but to temper a slightly heightened sense of moderation and fairness (not to insinuate that the PAP is not fair, I don't want to be heckled down with a lawsuit, thank you very much) to the election process in order to boost their image in the minds of the English-educated young.
The radical (i hasten to add) English-educated young have certain pet peeves about the PAP. Firstly, the link of voting to lift upgrading is seen as a certain form of 'vote bribery', in that sense. One may argue that the PAP has its own funds and why should they be used to pay for opposition wards who didnt' support their mandate? I would argue on two fronts. Firstly, as the PAP is in government, they have a responsibility to the whole of Singapore as the ruling party to care for the needs and wellbeing of all Singaporeans, regardless of who they voted for. it is 'one people, one nation, one Singapore'. It is government funds that are in the CDCs, not party funds, as I recall. Clearly these should be equally accessible to all constituencies, regardless of party. Secondly, as the opposition clearly doesnt' ahve funds to provide the same level of upgrading, it is a question of 'vote for us because only we can give you lift upgrading'. The English-educated young may perceive that as cheap, and un-noble, and not well-intentioned (yes politics is a dirty game but you need a moral high ground too). It becomes a threat that may force people to vote out of fear for the PAP. (yes people may say it's a bonus to have your lifts upgraded, but if everyone else is having it upgraded and yours is not, it becomes a threat, right?).
I feel, perhaps, that the PAP would gain further 'moral credibility', take the moral high ground and gain popularity amongst young liberals if it were to benovelently grant upgrading rights to opposition wards as well, instead of playing hard-ball on such issues. Then people will see PAP for what it stands for: great party programme for Singapore, talented individuals in the party, cohesive organisation, a care for the well-being of citizens, etc., instead of focussing on the rather pragmatic and un-ideal ways that the PAP has used to gain power in different constiuencies.
3. Dr Chee Soon Juan needs to rethink his act because what he is doing to the SDP is imploding the party from within. nothing needs to be said. seriously. i mean if this is opposition politics then we're no different from Barisan Socialis.
4. Linked to point 2, is that even though the PAP claims that GRCs are in fact necessary for minority representation etc, it can be easily perceived as a quickfire and easy option for MPs to be voted into parliament without a fight under the cover of a heavyweight minister, as is so often expressed. At most, limit the GRCs to 3 members per team, or so. the only excuse i can think of why they haven't done so yet is that there aren't enough 'ministers' to cover each GRC if this was the case.
5. I am glad that the Worker's Party have decided to raise the level of debate and candidature in their election campaign.
that's all i have to say.
shawn
anyway, many thanks to the many friends who came for my 21st=D dont' really have photos now but if I do i'll post it up =D i don't really enjoy 'birthdays', as you call it, because i feel that one has to deliberately enjoy the occassion, if not you'd waste the money, the day, the 'expectations', as you'd call it. so i was really apprehensive, i was just expecting a hum-drum 21st, perhaps, as so many others were; but then again, our Lord decided to surprise me! when one surveys the incidents leading to the party, you can't help but have to conclude that it's only by Jesus's grace that the party was a relative success. He promised me He'd bless the party while giving me an assurance of love, so all thanks to the Lord Jesus the living God who actually cares for people even though i've been a relative failure so far.
The wine was good, the food excellent, and chris bought a grand bottle of Sauternes Premier Cru which apparently cost $85; (Appellation Barsac Controlee) that was brilliant; the two bottles of second-grade Sauternes was good, the Pinot Noir from NZ was commendable and fruity as good Pinot should be (New World), the Alsace Riesling was refreshing- so the wine was good. performed with kevin and darren on the guitars and keyboards at the party
which was enjoyable, played my new song 'still madly in love' (think that went quite well), and the old song 'autumn' (highly overplayed though, haha). went out to winebar after that at Mohamed Sultan- opened another 3 bottles, wow, and wine really goes well with Mussels, i've realised - got really drunk after that. oh well. high, i won't consider myself drunk (i hasten to add) - oh well. woke up with a headache to play basketball. haha.
So I have to thank so many people. Have to thank Kevin SW (for the ferrying me around and the good friendship (which is increasing and back to good ol' levels -oh well)
plus the MCing which got me really embarassed), for mr darren who although was really quite baikar still decided to perform in his husky john mayerish voice and for being a bud all these years=D, for jeremy and his company and support and everything the car the friendship and all=D aiya. for mr benkhoo , for dave gang justin et al, for zach, kevin ws, tim=D for duana and sheng who brought me a nice cd and mug=D for samuel who brought the girls along (Haha) and most of all, to thank God for His provisions for 21 years and for His blessings on the party. yay.
=D
there have been many good experiences in my holidays. i just have to say i'm been quite blessed, time to bless others.
highlights of the hols:
1. staying over at daren's to watch champions league, eating au petit salut=D listening to great music and writing good music=D
2. playing pool, and then texas holdem' poker at wenyi's, and then supper afterwards
3. stil tinking. haha.
4. getting baptised! (EASTER, yay). the Maundy Thursday service was really great as well.
5. monday after getting baptised: learning the true meaning of grace. God's ever-forgiving-ever-giving grace. listening to music that I wrote that, by God's grace, i was able to write. (that doesn't link right)
6. mambo night.
7. having dinner with wen en and jeremy and playing mahjong. old friends.
8. my 21st birthday party=D with trimmings and the like. with good friends to share the occasion with. with God's special blessings.
9. mahjong with kevin, darren, and kev's sis, because that was really quite ironic. i lost alot of money but had quite lot of fun.
10. prayer meeting which just ended. a closer intimacy with our Lord Jesus and our Heavenly Father. assurances throughout the day of the fact that, in His own words, I am 'saved for eternity', and in other words 'I am saved once and for all- you cannot lose this salvation'. (sorry ah, i get a lil' insecure sometimes) the joy i felt when others get saved and accept Christ. just great fellowship with God, not just in the prayer meeting, but throughout the day. plus the message of the immutability of God (how constant God is) just reinforces it. i think what I really learnt is how easily God forgives me.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
- i'm sorry, i forget easily. just tell God thanks that Shawn's quite blessed. i'm sorry if i have nothing credible to say. i have lots of gifts to be thankful for. =D quite blessed. thanks.
THE GENERAL ELECTIONS - A COMMENTARY
Anyway the elections are coming, and what interests me are the articles about the state of the opposition in Singapore. Firstly, without entering into a lot of rhetoric of how we 'need an opposition voice' and all that which have already been brought up, let's just examine 5 critical points about the opposition and the dominance of the PAP. I'll just elaborate on a few of these points.
*disclaimer - this is not a political podcast in anyway. this represents the blogger's personal view. and i don't think you can find any defamatory facts or any untruths, because there are only opinions here, not facts.
1. Local politics are extremely prevalent in Singapore. Unlike other countries, the worry is not about whether you are 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice', or how you plan to boost the economy, or whether you should raise the budget for education in Singapore- rather, the worry is on whether the MP can give you lifts on every floor, or whether the MP can provide a sheltered walkway from my house to the bus stop. You can't blame the electorate, because the majority of Singaporeans do not have the high levels of education necessary for such advanced debate to be of any influence on the ground, to be seen in the voting patterns. Someone said once that to have true democracy, you must have a large middle class, which is not as prevalent in Singapore as in a more 'ideal democracy', such as in the UK or USA. There, because people have been exposed to ideas and are trained to have political opinions, having already attained economic stability, they would more likely be able to discriminate idea-wise between two candidates based on their political ideas, and their political plans, rather than the immediate gratification of what Singapore rather functions, such as whether they'll be upgrading or not. You can't blame PAP, because, being the government, they have money to offer gifts that the other parties cannot offer, due to the magnitude of economic power disparity. You can't blame the people, because people will naturally choose the best option. There is no real solution until the education levels of Singapore really increases, and then you'd see real debate on the voting ground.
2. Considering the PAP's dominance, they can afford to boost their mandate not by squeezing the Opposition so hard until the 'pips squeak', but to temper a slightly heightened sense of moderation and fairness (not to insinuate that the PAP is not fair, I don't want to be heckled down with a lawsuit, thank you very much) to the election process in order to boost their image in the minds of the English-educated young.
The radical (i hasten to add) English-educated young have certain pet peeves about the PAP. Firstly, the link of voting to lift upgrading is seen as a certain form of 'vote bribery', in that sense. One may argue that the PAP has its own funds and why should they be used to pay for opposition wards who didnt' support their mandate? I would argue on two fronts. Firstly, as the PAP is in government, they have a responsibility to the whole of Singapore as the ruling party to care for the needs and wellbeing of all Singaporeans, regardless of who they voted for. it is 'one people, one nation, one Singapore'. It is government funds that are in the CDCs, not party funds, as I recall. Clearly these should be equally accessible to all constituencies, regardless of party. Secondly, as the opposition clearly doesnt' ahve funds to provide the same level of upgrading, it is a question of 'vote for us because only we can give you lift upgrading'. The English-educated young may perceive that as cheap, and un-noble, and not well-intentioned (yes politics is a dirty game but you need a moral high ground too). It becomes a threat that may force people to vote out of fear for the PAP. (yes people may say it's a bonus to have your lifts upgraded, but if everyone else is having it upgraded and yours is not, it becomes a threat, right?).
I feel, perhaps, that the PAP would gain further 'moral credibility', take the moral high ground and gain popularity amongst young liberals if it were to benovelently grant upgrading rights to opposition wards as well, instead of playing hard-ball on such issues. Then people will see PAP for what it stands for: great party programme for Singapore, talented individuals in the party, cohesive organisation, a care for the well-being of citizens, etc., instead of focussing on the rather pragmatic and un-ideal ways that the PAP has used to gain power in different constiuencies.
3. Dr Chee Soon Juan needs to rethink his act because what he is doing to the SDP is imploding the party from within. nothing needs to be said. seriously. i mean if this is opposition politics then we're no different from Barisan Socialis.
4. Linked to point 2, is that even though the PAP claims that GRCs are in fact necessary for minority representation etc, it can be easily perceived as a quickfire and easy option for MPs to be voted into parliament without a fight under the cover of a heavyweight minister, as is so often expressed. At most, limit the GRCs to 3 members per team, or so. the only excuse i can think of why they haven't done so yet is that there aren't enough 'ministers' to cover each GRC if this was the case.
5. I am glad that the Worker's Party have decided to raise the level of debate and candidature in their election campaign.
that's all i have to say.
shawn
Sunday, April 09, 2006
"For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
- without Jesus I can do nothing, for without Him I am nothing.
It's as though spring has come again. Clearing leave ushers in new feelings, as though parts of me that hibernated for 2 1/4 years suddenly sprung back to life, and here I am now, free to live, free to get enough sleep than the usual five hours that I'd been subjecting my body to. I used to dread mondays, especially sundays, but now it's not so bad. i think the worst thing about NS is the lack of anything to look forward to (within NS), and I felt as though I were living a double life, one in camp, and the other outside. I just couldn't reconcile the two. And maybe I will never be able to.
So i've been living the life. Spending lots of money (im down to the last 50 perhaps). Wednesday was spent playing civ 4 and Dota, and eating CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) with Sam Darren & Jeremy, and watching Champions league football overnight. Thursday was spent eating Au Petit Salut (their $22 set lunch is a fantastic deal- with wine and et al, escargots, beef onglet, creme brulee--you couldn't ask for more, especially since it's haute cuisine actually, in essence), writing music. Friday was very fun, going for driving, collecting passports, watching 'Inside Man', playing pool, playing Texas Hold'em Poker, which is the most fun thing in the world, and then going for supper--- the dream life.
I just couldn't ask for more. Thank God that it's finally over.
- without Jesus I can do nothing, for without Him I am nothing.
It's as though spring has come again. Clearing leave ushers in new feelings, as though parts of me that hibernated for 2 1/4 years suddenly sprung back to life, and here I am now, free to live, free to get enough sleep than the usual five hours that I'd been subjecting my body to. I used to dread mondays, especially sundays, but now it's not so bad. i think the worst thing about NS is the lack of anything to look forward to (within NS), and I felt as though I were living a double life, one in camp, and the other outside. I just couldn't reconcile the two. And maybe I will never be able to.
So i've been living the life. Spending lots of money (im down to the last 50 perhaps). Wednesday was spent playing civ 4 and Dota, and eating CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) with Sam Darren & Jeremy, and watching Champions league football overnight. Thursday was spent eating Au Petit Salut (their $22 set lunch is a fantastic deal- with wine and et al, escargots, beef onglet, creme brulee--you couldn't ask for more, especially since it's haute cuisine actually, in essence), writing music. Friday was very fun, going for driving, collecting passports, watching 'Inside Man', playing pool, playing Texas Hold'em Poker, which is the most fun thing in the world, and then going for supper--- the dream life.
I just couldn't ask for more. Thank God that it's finally over.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
the need to empathise in our society is seriously lacking. not everyone is a smart genius. not everyone is a strong individual who harbours hopes of conquering the world. not everyone has ethics or morals. there are so many failed people in this world.
so what are you doing about it?
are you sitting there thinking how i'm so much better than them or are you thinking, what can i do to make the change?
do you want to be noble, or do you want to start sniping behind the fence?
i'm not perfect, far from it. but i can see that the best people are not the ones who have the best morals and values. the best people are the ones that, in spite of these morals and values, have the heart to look at people without these morals and values and offer them dinner, or a cup of tea. or sit down and have coffee with them. what is real emotional maturity is knowing that someone down there has issues even though he may be hiding it with a veil and be willing to help and come down to his level and sympathise with him. not this ra-ra enthusiasm of brotherhood in arms. we're all failed in some way or another (that's why we need God, in a way) and deep down there are hidden insecurities in everyone, even in the strongest Joe. but what disappoints me is that everyone is trying to pluck the plank from the other man's eyes rather than trying to be human.
so what are you doing about it?
are you sitting there thinking how i'm so much better than them or are you thinking, what can i do to make the change?
do you want to be noble, or do you want to start sniping behind the fence?
i'm not perfect, far from it. but i can see that the best people are not the ones who have the best morals and values. the best people are the ones that, in spite of these morals and values, have the heart to look at people without these morals and values and offer them dinner, or a cup of tea. or sit down and have coffee with them. what is real emotional maturity is knowing that someone down there has issues even though he may be hiding it with a veil and be willing to help and come down to his level and sympathise with him. not this ra-ra enthusiasm of brotherhood in arms. we're all failed in some way or another (that's why we need God, in a way) and deep down there are hidden insecurities in everyone, even in the strongest Joe. but what disappoints me is that everyone is trying to pluck the plank from the other man's eyes rather than trying to be human.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
This verse speaks strongly:
"
"
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus"
I used to be a much more lovable, loving boy. no worries. no cynicism, no 'superiority complex'. but in NS
i developed shells to protect myself. especially the shell of pride, that hardens my heart against our Lord Jesus
and hardens my heart against others. knowing that they'll hurt me and stuff. of course. we're all sinners. our human
nature is selfish. especially in trials.
so now i'm going to soften my heart. i'm going to empathise and do my best for others again. even though i'm
a sgt, i'm going to try to feel for others. i want everyone to know God. i want everyone to be loved by me even
a little bit. i'm going to try my best to love again. to love my parents, to make them happy. knowing that my
life is but a shadow, a vapour in the wind. it comes and goes, yet if i can bring some joy to the world, i'm sure
Christ will be happy and people will be touched.
when i was less proud things were going well with me. now i can't feel anything, i'm just judging people. i can't feel
love and all sorts of emotions. my music is suffering coz i can't feel. i can't connect.
sigh.
it all has to do with pride.
so now the pride has to go.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
I am emotionally weak.
Especially when tired. A whole drain of emotions, the klutz, can't feel anything, can't wait to fall asleep in my bed. the whole day, the same old pattern, dragging myself to concentrate in the office. clerk life is stupid because of the mundanity. i wouldn;'t mind having a few exercises along the way. and i punish myself because i'm so tired and i just want to waste the day. and so i fell asleep and woke up at a redolent 3pm. how wonderful.
the chinese new year break has been relatively fun! been doing alot of fun things. reunion dinner was not too bad. quite good conversation, etc. watched amelie at jeremy's. first day new year and church service was great. felt really joyful communing with God. visiting was boring but interesting to see all the different faces. at night at the ritz was a nice dinner and after that adjourned to acid bar for drinks and to chill out which was nice.
yeah. went clubbing the other day on wednesday night for law bash. it was happening=D didn't know clubbing was that fun, really borught back memories of prom night clubbing. dancing around with people that you know and stuff. mmm so gonna look forward to law huh. hopefully hopefully.
the dreaded 'going back to camp' has been inevitable. still still, two months more. persevere....
it's really hard to persevere when all you see is the 'here and now' but then army people had it so much worse, the 9 months of OCS training. NS has skewed me, seriously. it's hard to put away the bad, especially since i soak up everrything like a bloddy sponge. doesn't say much for my backbone actually, or my character.
Especially when tired. A whole drain of emotions, the klutz, can't feel anything, can't wait to fall asleep in my bed. the whole day, the same old pattern, dragging myself to concentrate in the office. clerk life is stupid because of the mundanity. i wouldn;'t mind having a few exercises along the way. and i punish myself because i'm so tired and i just want to waste the day. and so i fell asleep and woke up at a redolent 3pm. how wonderful.
the chinese new year break has been relatively fun! been doing alot of fun things. reunion dinner was not too bad. quite good conversation, etc. watched amelie at jeremy's. first day new year and church service was great. felt really joyful communing with God. visiting was boring but interesting to see all the different faces. at night at the ritz was a nice dinner and after that adjourned to acid bar for drinks and to chill out which was nice.
yeah. went clubbing the other day on wednesday night for law bash. it was happening=D didn't know clubbing was that fun, really borught back memories of prom night clubbing. dancing around with people that you know and stuff. mmm so gonna look forward to law huh. hopefully hopefully.
the dreaded 'going back to camp' has been inevitable. still still, two months more. persevere....
it's really hard to persevere when all you see is the 'here and now' but then army people had it so much worse, the 9 months of OCS training. NS has skewed me, seriously. it's hard to put away the bad, especially since i soak up everrything like a bloddy sponge. doesn't say much for my backbone actually, or my character.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Another blog post and I've realised kind of that my blog audience is probably limited to just - me. Okay I probably haven't been VERY interesting, but then ARMY just isn't the thing to blog about. you won't want me to blog about civil defence people running around, my lack of sleep, ranting about my not-so-nice officers, about the people I'm pissed with, you get the idea.
But blogging does give the world a small microscope into the person I am. Not just what I've been doing in my life, but who I really am. Even the writing style conveys so much about a person. (of course it can be faked) - for example, just putting this stupid ( ) paratheses into the equation just conveyed to you, my dear reader, that I am extremely fickle. which is probably why i can't get any girl (see the rhyme here? - but then again, most bright people are, mozart was an absolute idiot - and here's another thread of thought) - - there just seems to be so many threads of thought in my mind that I wonder if I'm going crazy. I wonder just how I'm going to be a lawyer. One moment I'd be defending my client, and the next moment I might just say the wrong thing that'll up his sentence from a jail sentence to death or something.
ah i'm messed up (my mum says cannot use 'screw'). i went with kevin and jon late night to jazz at southbridge and later on with darren to eski bar and it was fun. i went to eat bak kut teh. and what was fun was hanging out with the scones after chruch practice on monday night befroe hari-raya-haji to sing stupid songs like 'part of your world', 'elephant love medley' at the top of your voice along the esplanade and walking towards the merlion. and prancing around with the girls and all that.
i just wish i were more secure. sigh. more security would give me a lot more peace that our Lord loves me and He just loves me even though sometimes He stays silent.
But blogging does give the world a small microscope into the person I am. Not just what I've been doing in my life, but who I really am. Even the writing style conveys so much about a person. (of course it can be faked) - for example, just putting this stupid ( ) paratheses into the equation just conveyed to you, my dear reader, that I am extremely fickle. which is probably why i can't get any girl (see the rhyme here? - but then again, most bright people are, mozart was an absolute idiot - and here's another thread of thought) - - there just seems to be so many threads of thought in my mind that I wonder if I'm going crazy. I wonder just how I'm going to be a lawyer. One moment I'd be defending my client, and the next moment I might just say the wrong thing that'll up his sentence from a jail sentence to death or something.
ah i'm messed up (my mum says cannot use 'screw'). i went with kevin and jon late night to jazz at southbridge and later on with darren to eski bar and it was fun. i went to eat bak kut teh. and what was fun was hanging out with the scones after chruch practice on monday night befroe hari-raya-haji to sing stupid songs like 'part of your world', 'elephant love medley' at the top of your voice along the esplanade and walking towards the merlion. and prancing around with the girls and all that.
i just wish i were more secure. sigh. more security would give me a lot more peace that our Lord loves me and He just loves me even though sometimes He stays silent.
Monday, January 02, 2006
There is no greater joy than being with Jesus, my friend. I know He still cares for me despite alot of rubbish I've done and alot of doubt that has plagued my mind. He must, because He is great, and He is love. Yujing said something about Jesus and love being synonymous, and I would probably agree, because there is alot He could have done but He still forgives.
So this 2006, I want to draw closer to the Lord. I want to be more deeply in love with Him. and slowly by faith, i hope each passing day i can see Him work in my life.
A new year, a new dawn. It reminds me of a song.
"I believe that God will bring new blessings,
I believe that spring will come in the end.
I believe in hope in new beginnings
I'd be led to water and live forever"
- a new beginning, shawn poon
okay so this is my song la, but i guess it's meant for such times as these. new beginnings, new year, new resolutions, probably alot of different situations to encounter. 2006, what will the future hold? well, i don't know, but i gotta trust that God knows better and I just gotta have faith that 2006 will be better than a turmulous 2005.
I'm going to university, so it should be great, huh? get a girlfriend, slack a little, study lots, get my brains working again, meet new people, get baptised, etc. how wonderful i'd think?
Not to forget the people i met at civil defence, but really that's a period of time i'd rather forget. it is fine, it's still great, but it's so different from the people i used to know. it's really so different, to be among so many people of different backgrounds. i just need something familiar to hold on to again.
and what will the future bring?
sometimes i'm afraid of the future, but i realised that the future holds nothing scary for me. if i could go past 2005 and still hang my head up high, nothing will stop tomorrow from being great. i just need a bit more faith and to have a bit of balance in my life. to balance my spiritual life, my social life, my physical life, my intellectual life. the social life's been dead for a bit but i believe that it can be revived. just gotta invest, just gotta invest.
and i'm still a bit psycho. it must be all the brainpower that needs a little bit of things to push it. a bit of motivation. a little bit more targets to achieve and i'd be fine.
So this 2006, I want to draw closer to the Lord. I want to be more deeply in love with Him. and slowly by faith, i hope each passing day i can see Him work in my life.
A new year, a new dawn. It reminds me of a song.
"I believe that God will bring new blessings,
I believe that spring will come in the end.
I believe in hope in new beginnings
I'd be led to water and live forever"
- a new beginning, shawn poon
okay so this is my song la, but i guess it's meant for such times as these. new beginnings, new year, new resolutions, probably alot of different situations to encounter. 2006, what will the future hold? well, i don't know, but i gotta trust that God knows better and I just gotta have faith that 2006 will be better than a turmulous 2005.
I'm going to university, so it should be great, huh? get a girlfriend, slack a little, study lots, get my brains working again, meet new people, get baptised, etc. how wonderful i'd think?
Not to forget the people i met at civil defence, but really that's a period of time i'd rather forget. it is fine, it's still great, but it's so different from the people i used to know. it's really so different, to be among so many people of different backgrounds. i just need something familiar to hold on to again.
and what will the future bring?
sometimes i'm afraid of the future, but i realised that the future holds nothing scary for me. if i could go past 2005 and still hang my head up high, nothing will stop tomorrow from being great. i just need a bit more faith and to have a bit of balance in my life. to balance my spiritual life, my social life, my physical life, my intellectual life. the social life's been dead for a bit but i believe that it can be revived. just gotta invest, just gotta invest.
and i'm still a bit psycho. it must be all the brainpower that needs a little bit of things to push it. a bit of motivation. a little bit more targets to achieve and i'd be fine.
Monday, December 05, 2005
It is better to have, in any sense of the word, any semblance of aim, than having no aim at all.
Nazi-bashers would disagree, but in army looking at people with no aim in life makes me wonder why anyone in the world would want to waste a precious day in their life that God gives to them. if they're secular, that they just were fortunate to live through.
It would be better having a bad aim in life, and then realising that they need to find a good aim, and move somewhere, than having no aim at all.
NS is such drudgery. going through the motions. his and byes that don't mean anything, possibly because you've said hi and bye to the same person a million times, and it would sound mightily impolite not to be friendly. you see, it's all a great wayang show. no one has any vested interest in their NS life anyway. no one has any vested interest in anything. no one has any aim. they all just want to wait for 6pm to come and then they can go home and start living. how sad is that?
And as for me, it would be stupid for me to waste my time. I'm simply just trying to be a good disciple of Christ, trying to love everyone I meet. Jesus will be pleased, i'm sure. The problem is that most of the time my actions are simply gestures without the emotions, form without any substance in them. I console myself that maybe loving is simply a facet of the will, trying to do the best for them, but I just wished I had more empathy.
The problem about most people, including me, is that we compartmentalise our life. We view Friday nights to Sunday as the days we live, and the weekdays as drudgery and humourless droll. But, called by God in 'whatever you do, do it for the Lord', and it is a blank 'whatever' and not simply 'whenever you feel like it'. So we chong and do all the fun things having the time of our lives, and when weekdays come we end up just going through the motions, as though these days were not worth living. And, moreover, even without such a command from God, I would find it ludricrous to suggest that we waste whatever days we have. Time will slip by so gently. Who knows what God has in store for us? Who knows what God can do through us, especially at work when everyone looks at me as a Christian, an ambassador of Christ! I have a responsibility to Jesus personally. i fail, sigh. yes. so badly. but I'd keep on going. I must. There is still hope. Jesus is risen. There is still hope.
And for me I'm even more psycho. I always want to treasure the moments. I'd always cherish the rose, and then find thorns to surround it. I've never understood the idea of having a basketful of roses, or a wonderful continuous experience. I tend to chop up life into little moments.
The only time I think I really enjoyed the whole stretch was prom, because I willed myself to enjoy it. maybe i should just will myself to enjoy everything.
Nazi-bashers would disagree, but in army looking at people with no aim in life makes me wonder why anyone in the world would want to waste a precious day in their life that God gives to them. if they're secular, that they just were fortunate to live through.
It would be better having a bad aim in life, and then realising that they need to find a good aim, and move somewhere, than having no aim at all.
NS is such drudgery. going through the motions. his and byes that don't mean anything, possibly because you've said hi and bye to the same person a million times, and it would sound mightily impolite not to be friendly. you see, it's all a great wayang show. no one has any vested interest in their NS life anyway. no one has any vested interest in anything. no one has any aim. they all just want to wait for 6pm to come and then they can go home and start living. how sad is that?
And as for me, it would be stupid for me to waste my time. I'm simply just trying to be a good disciple of Christ, trying to love everyone I meet. Jesus will be pleased, i'm sure. The problem is that most of the time my actions are simply gestures without the emotions, form without any substance in them. I console myself that maybe loving is simply a facet of the will, trying to do the best for them, but I just wished I had more empathy.
The problem about most people, including me, is that we compartmentalise our life. We view Friday nights to Sunday as the days we live, and the weekdays as drudgery and humourless droll. But, called by God in 'whatever you do, do it for the Lord', and it is a blank 'whatever' and not simply 'whenever you feel like it'. So we chong and do all the fun things having the time of our lives, and when weekdays come we end up just going through the motions, as though these days were not worth living. And, moreover, even without such a command from God, I would find it ludricrous to suggest that we waste whatever days we have. Time will slip by so gently. Who knows what God has in store for us? Who knows what God can do through us, especially at work when everyone looks at me as a Christian, an ambassador of Christ! I have a responsibility to Jesus personally. i fail, sigh. yes. so badly. but I'd keep on going. I must. There is still hope. Jesus is risen. There is still hope.
And for me I'm even more psycho. I always want to treasure the moments. I'd always cherish the rose, and then find thorns to surround it. I've never understood the idea of having a basketful of roses, or a wonderful continuous experience. I tend to chop up life into little moments.
The only time I think I really enjoyed the whole stretch was prom, because I willed myself to enjoy it. maybe i should just will myself to enjoy everything.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Jesus is really so faithful. i've doubted so many times, but everytime i go to Him in prayer and just confessed personally He's never failed at all. i trust Him to get me through this. to restore. i prayed that He would let me have fellowship with Him again and let me feel instead of think. and really i just enjoyed such a nice fellowship on my way home and i could actually feel the Lord again, instead of just thinking. it's as though i could connect with God again. sometimes it gets very spiritually dry, but He answers prayers even though i don't deserve any to be answered. i mean nothing beats knowing Him i suppose. knowing that hey Jesus is my Shepherd and He's still there even though i'm so damn unfaithful and so doubtful over my own standing with God you know. sigh.
i think the whole problem was really like what pastor cynthia said; i had a very roman-catholic view of Christianity. because the whole problem started with the verse of 'away i don't know you' which really started instiling alot of fear, because i was so afraid i wasn't good enough. but i thiink Jesus Himself was showing me something last wednesday (see the last post) and that we're saved, I'm saved, by grace and faith alone and not by works, He's trying to set me free from the slavery of trying to prove myself. I dont' have to, because of who He is and what He's already done on the cross and well i've already received it and stuff and so well i'm already righteous coz of Jesus and not of my own. sigh. i just misread that verse so much. and the thing is that soemtimes i doubt that Jesus wants me but then the verse came that God wants all to be saved and if i have received, which i have, then he's not going to say no u're not good enough because thats not who Jesus is He wants me anyway and now that I'm His he's not going to say ah shawn you're such a sinner (Which i am) and just kick me out. i mean after that verse i just had such a strict judgement view of Jesus that He would just gauge all our sins and see whether we deserve to go to heaven or not. i really misintepreted it, that's y the whole 6 months i was living in such fear of doing anything wrong or sinful, until my whole view of God was so skewed and i didn't have any freedom. i was living under what was the yoke of slavery. but now Jesus is showing me something that He loves me for who I am coz of what He has done.
now to some other stuff. less important, i suppose. but perhaps you might be bored to listen to me talk about my spiritual life and my relationship with God all the time. maybe you'd like to hear something else.
1. i may decide to give up drinking. i think drinking just places immense pressure on your brain. i don;'t think God really wants that. mm. i went to brewerkz and we were having a roll of a time but after that i got really woozy.
2. mahjong's fun. so's sudoku. i dont' know, getting the brain working again?
3. blue bar and bistro at central malls' the works, it' sgot really nice music and really cheap wine and what more can you ask for? not a place to spot the ladies, though.
i don't know i think we're all just in a limbo i just need some entertainment! argh.
i think the whole problem was really like what pastor cynthia said; i had a very roman-catholic view of Christianity. because the whole problem started with the verse of 'away i don't know you' which really started instiling alot of fear, because i was so afraid i wasn't good enough. but i thiink Jesus Himself was showing me something last wednesday (see the last post) and that we're saved, I'm saved, by grace and faith alone and not by works, He's trying to set me free from the slavery of trying to prove myself. I dont' have to, because of who He is and what He's already done on the cross and well i've already received it and stuff and so well i'm already righteous coz of Jesus and not of my own. sigh. i just misread that verse so much. and the thing is that soemtimes i doubt that Jesus wants me but then the verse came that God wants all to be saved and if i have received, which i have, then he's not going to say no u're not good enough because thats not who Jesus is He wants me anyway and now that I'm His he's not going to say ah shawn you're such a sinner (Which i am) and just kick me out. i mean after that verse i just had such a strict judgement view of Jesus that He would just gauge all our sins and see whether we deserve to go to heaven or not. i really misintepreted it, that's y the whole 6 months i was living in such fear of doing anything wrong or sinful, until my whole view of God was so skewed and i didn't have any freedom. i was living under what was the yoke of slavery. but now Jesus is showing me something that He loves me for who I am coz of what He has done.
now to some other stuff. less important, i suppose. but perhaps you might be bored to listen to me talk about my spiritual life and my relationship with God all the time. maybe you'd like to hear something else.
1. i may decide to give up drinking. i think drinking just places immense pressure on your brain. i don;'t think God really wants that. mm. i went to brewerkz and we were having a roll of a time but after that i got really woozy.
2. mahjong's fun. so's sudoku. i dont' know, getting the brain working again?
3. blue bar and bistro at central malls' the works, it' sgot really nice music and really cheap wine and what more can you ask for? not a place to spot the ladies, though.
i don't know i think we're all just in a limbo i just need some entertainment! argh.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
The Lord Jesus has such a wonderful sense of timing. yesterdasy i was just talking to my mother about the problem about Christians who always try to earn their salvation by doing good works in the hope that God'll see them and recognise them and all that, and like alot of churches have this funny idea of waht it means to be a Christian. they hence get very burdened and all that (because they'll never be as good enough, because we're not meant to live that way! we're not Jesus! we're just men. He's God, thats y he's perfect but we're men.) and so i was just talking to the Lord last night just like a friend and it was really nice because i could feel the life just rushing back to my bones again, as i was simply able again to communicate with people, to communicate with Him with my heart and not just with my mind. (if you get what i mean). i mean i was back to my old self again and really the feeling i get from just talking with Jesus is simply something that you'd never experience ever before. it's urm really something wonderful and loving and heartfelt and like He's just your old friend and you can just talk to Him, not because you feel that you merit it or what but because of what He's done. i mean last time i was really quite afriad of talking with the Lord because i feel i wasn't good enough but yhou know what it's what He has done and who He is (he's forgiving, loving, etc) and not what we can do by our own efforts. so however unworthy we feel He still loves us and we can still talk to Him, and He hears!
and so today i was doing masterlife and i thought the thing would be on witnessing to the world. but funny enough something really struck me from galatians. it was about the idea of grace! it says since we belong to Christ, we're not to be burdened by the yoke of slavery! the whole idea of a few passages and chapter 6 was that since Christ died for all our sins, we're under grace, we're saved by faith alone. and because we're saved by faith alone, we should not be trying to earn our salvation. that's slavery! it's a burden! because we're nver going to be good enough, but then we keep trying to be perfect, and that burden of expectation just prevents me at least from leaving the victorious Christian life. but now that we know that hey the Lord has forgiven us of allsins and justified us from all of that through His blood, we can just go and love and be free because there's no more burden, we live by the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit is a Spirit of love and natural Godly characteristics of Christ and all that, not trying our best to conform to the law, but it's a natural outspring of goodness that will just naturally come through us.
you know what it's really uncanny. Jesus has a wonderful sense of humour.
praise the Lord!
(i've been wiating for deliverance for the longest time and i thank Jesus that He's shown it somehow. "He's faithful, even though we're unfaithful, for He cannot deny Himself.")
the quiet time yseterday was about this man who was so aware of Jesus' presence in His life all the time. and alot of times people think hey we can't be like that we're not so holy, but after this verse you know what we can! it's just a matter of faith. we sometimes think we're not good enouhg, but no one really is. so yseterday i just had faith that hey you know im good enough, because Jesus has forgiven everything! I can be with Him just as the pastor in the devotion book just included Him in everything. i can speak to Him just like a friend speaks to a friend because of what He did for me, there's no spseration, or need to have any kind of formal courtesies (of course not disprect lah) but no need to be like, He's so high and mighty, all that. Yes He is God, but we're His!
and so today i was doing masterlife and i thought the thing would be on witnessing to the world. but funny enough something really struck me from galatians. it was about the idea of grace! it says since we belong to Christ, we're not to be burdened by the yoke of slavery! the whole idea of a few passages and chapter 6 was that since Christ died for all our sins, we're under grace, we're saved by faith alone. and because we're saved by faith alone, we should not be trying to earn our salvation. that's slavery! it's a burden! because we're nver going to be good enough, but then we keep trying to be perfect, and that burden of expectation just prevents me at least from leaving the victorious Christian life. but now that we know that hey the Lord has forgiven us of allsins and justified us from all of that through His blood, we can just go and love and be free because there's no more burden, we live by the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit is a Spirit of love and natural Godly characteristics of Christ and all that, not trying our best to conform to the law, but it's a natural outspring of goodness that will just naturally come through us.
you know what it's really uncanny. Jesus has a wonderful sense of humour.
praise the Lord!
(i've been wiating for deliverance for the longest time and i thank Jesus that He's shown it somehow. "He's faithful, even though we're unfaithful, for He cannot deny Himself.")
the quiet time yseterday was about this man who was so aware of Jesus' presence in His life all the time. and alot of times people think hey we can't be like that we're not so holy, but after this verse you know what we can! it's just a matter of faith. we sometimes think we're not good enouhg, but no one really is. so yseterday i just had faith that hey you know im good enough, because Jesus has forgiven everything! I can be with Him just as the pastor in the devotion book just included Him in everything. i can speak to Him just like a friend speaks to a friend because of what He did for me, there's no spseration, or need to have any kind of formal courtesies (of course not disprect lah) but no need to be like, He's so high and mighty, all that. Yes He is God, but we're His!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The last few months have been really bad. i mean my mind was plagued by all sorts of spiritual attacks and blasphemies from the enemy and all that. i mean it was really hell. you know what hell is? it's seperation from God (Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit). it's not simply a place where you burn and all that. it's simply a seperation from God. man somehow during that time i felt like that. my faith was so diminished and i was receiving and receiving Jesus again that was really wrong i realised.
and the problem was that i was really disturbed by one passage from Scripture which was about Jesus saying to the people 'away, you wicked people...i don't know you...' and you know what i was just fearing and fearing the Lord and i think that really made things really bad. i think i really just took that verse out of context, since those people that were described weren't true believers, in that sense, whereas I am (and i know that I have experienced Christ in some degree or form to an extent that possibly it's more than just psychological, and I hope that is) and i'm still trying to search and seek after the Lord-- and what i did was to start living by the law, by my works, and not simply believe that i'm already saved by my faith in Jesus the Risen Lord. and so i was just afraid that hey my salvation can be cut off at any point if i don't perform up to expectations. this creates alot of problems. firstly, it creates alot of fear. instead of the spirit of sonship which makes us cry 'Abba Father' in thanks for the free gift of salvation and the true love within towards our Lord Jesus Christ who is in heaven for just doing everything for us (and all we did was receive, we didn't have to do anything), i was bugged with the spirit of fear that left me clinging on to just theological truths and trying my best to conform and be perfect which of course put a strain on my mind and my body because i am never going to be perfect until the Lord takes me home in heaven. so of course my mind started rebelling and screwing up. it is true that sometimes i even 'love' Jesus out of compulsion, because i was reading the shorter catcheism that says that true believers will love Jesus more and more. well, this is because they love Jesus because of what He did on the cross, of His first love for us. well i love Him also when i think about what he did for me, but only thing is that i was scared that i wasn't a true believer because sometimes i don't love him as much as i should. well, this boils down to having no patience. gone was the joy, gone was the peace. the only thing that kept me going was that, oh, i want to go to heaven. i'm sure that the Spirit did indeed guide me along in certain points to tell me that Jesus still loves me as I am (which means i'm a Christian already) and experience God in a certain way.
you know, the doctrine of a 'continual salvation' is certainly certainly wrong. it is simply against Biblical principles and is certainly just a blasphemy designed to remove the joy of Christians in serving Jesus. the word says 'for we are saved by faith alone, and not by works, so that no one can boast'. it says 'for as many as received Him, He gave them the right to become children of God, even to those that believed unto His name.' there are so many passages that say you're saved when you've received. well, i'm sure that's not in question. the only question that is it once and for all?
for no true believer can truly fall because Jesus/God, who is the 'author and perfecter of our faith', will never let them. what is the point of going after other sheep if the sheep in the original pen haven't yet been fully saved? Jesus is love, (for I am convinced that nothing can seperate us (Christians who have received) from the love of God which is in Jesus Christ our Lord) He delights all the time in the right (and not wrong) (for that is what love is), He loves to bring Christians back to the truth, back to Him, He will keep them in His hand, just as He has said in the Word. there is no such thing as, oh, He'd just leave us to die and all that. That isn't love! That's not what a shepherd would do. A shepherd would bring His people back. A shepherd guides them to the right path (which is unto salvation, for what else is right?.)
I think that simply for any Christian who has the Holy Spirit in him the joy of knowing Jesus and being with Him and being with the Father is sufficient for any person to want to draw closer to the Lord and know Him and fellowship with Him because there is simply no greater joy than knowing the risen Lord. backsliden Christians who have sinned against the Lord find it difficult to even live. they are filled with guilt, etc, because they are so far away. they feel cut off from God/Jesus because of their sin, and it's the horrible feelings perhaps that makes them want to come back to the Lord. non-Christians will never feel that, they'd enjoy their sin. for Christians like us, after we sin, man, we just feel a prick in our soul, in our being, as the Holy Spirit tells us we've sinned against God, and then we go back and ask for forgiveness and feel the restoration in our souls. (okay this is very man-centric but you get the idea i'm going through) okay this isn't very Bibilical but just from experience.
the only thing about this is that the Holy Spirit will naturally bring us to obedience to the Lord and soften our spirit and keep us submissive to Jesus, to the Father, as we sanctify ourselves and yield to the Holy Spirit. but we have to yield to the Spirit if we really want to be sanctifed, of course, which is what Jesus wants and that's what we want of course.
i don't know man, please enlighten me, more developed Christians in the Lord!?
and the problem was that i was really disturbed by one passage from Scripture which was about Jesus saying to the people 'away, you wicked people...i don't know you...' and you know what i was just fearing and fearing the Lord and i think that really made things really bad. i think i really just took that verse out of context, since those people that were described weren't true believers, in that sense, whereas I am (and i know that I have experienced Christ in some degree or form to an extent that possibly it's more than just psychological, and I hope that is) and i'm still trying to search and seek after the Lord-- and what i did was to start living by the law, by my works, and not simply believe that i'm already saved by my faith in Jesus the Risen Lord. and so i was just afraid that hey my salvation can be cut off at any point if i don't perform up to expectations. this creates alot of problems. firstly, it creates alot of fear. instead of the spirit of sonship which makes us cry 'Abba Father' in thanks for the free gift of salvation and the true love within towards our Lord Jesus Christ who is in heaven for just doing everything for us (and all we did was receive, we didn't have to do anything), i was bugged with the spirit of fear that left me clinging on to just theological truths and trying my best to conform and be perfect which of course put a strain on my mind and my body because i am never going to be perfect until the Lord takes me home in heaven. so of course my mind started rebelling and screwing up. it is true that sometimes i even 'love' Jesus out of compulsion, because i was reading the shorter catcheism that says that true believers will love Jesus more and more. well, this is because they love Jesus because of what He did on the cross, of His first love for us. well i love Him also when i think about what he did for me, but only thing is that i was scared that i wasn't a true believer because sometimes i don't love him as much as i should. well, this boils down to having no patience. gone was the joy, gone was the peace. the only thing that kept me going was that, oh, i want to go to heaven. i'm sure that the Spirit did indeed guide me along in certain points to tell me that Jesus still loves me as I am (which means i'm a Christian already) and experience God in a certain way.
you know, the doctrine of a 'continual salvation' is certainly certainly wrong. it is simply against Biblical principles and is certainly just a blasphemy designed to remove the joy of Christians in serving Jesus. the word says 'for we are saved by faith alone, and not by works, so that no one can boast'. it says 'for as many as received Him, He gave them the right to become children of God, even to those that believed unto His name.' there are so many passages that say you're saved when you've received. well, i'm sure that's not in question. the only question that is it once and for all?
for no true believer can truly fall because Jesus/God, who is the 'author and perfecter of our faith', will never let them. what is the point of going after other sheep if the sheep in the original pen haven't yet been fully saved? Jesus is love, (for I am convinced that nothing can seperate us (Christians who have received) from the love of God which is in Jesus Christ our Lord) He delights all the time in the right (and not wrong) (for that is what love is), He loves to bring Christians back to the truth, back to Him, He will keep them in His hand, just as He has said in the Word. there is no such thing as, oh, He'd just leave us to die and all that. That isn't love! That's not what a shepherd would do. A shepherd would bring His people back. A shepherd guides them to the right path (which is unto salvation, for what else is right?.)
I think that simply for any Christian who has the Holy Spirit in him the joy of knowing Jesus and being with Him and being with the Father is sufficient for any person to want to draw closer to the Lord and know Him and fellowship with Him because there is simply no greater joy than knowing the risen Lord. backsliden Christians who have sinned against the Lord find it difficult to even live. they are filled with guilt, etc, because they are so far away. they feel cut off from God/Jesus because of their sin, and it's the horrible feelings perhaps that makes them want to come back to the Lord. non-Christians will never feel that, they'd enjoy their sin. for Christians like us, after we sin, man, we just feel a prick in our soul, in our being, as the Holy Spirit tells us we've sinned against God, and then we go back and ask for forgiveness and feel the restoration in our souls. (okay this is very man-centric but you get the idea i'm going through) okay this isn't very Bibilical but just from experience.
the only thing about this is that the Holy Spirit will naturally bring us to obedience to the Lord and soften our spirit and keep us submissive to Jesus, to the Father, as we sanctify ourselves and yield to the Holy Spirit. but we have to yield to the Spirit if we really want to be sanctifed, of course, which is what Jesus wants and that's what we want of course.
i don't know man, please enlighten me, more developed Christians in the Lord!?
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Today's been seriously joyful.
To be honest, I have been doubting my salvation alot. i was reading the Shorter Catcheism and like some things i didn't really feel.
so i prayed again. i prayed to receive Christ Jesus as Lord again. u know i'm really insecure about these things. i prayed to my Heavenly Father to forsake all known sins and repent and all that.
i prayed for a filling of the Holy Spirit of God into me.
and i'm seriously very joyful now! it was like, i was just praising God without even thinking about what to say. it's just like the words came out as though it was from a psalm, you know, it just flowed out giving thanks and exaltation to God above. i give thanks that hey i'm getting some kind of reassurance of my own salvation that can never be taken from me. Lord Jesus i'll live in faith, obedience, and trust forever. it was like, i love the Lord Jesus! i really do. i mean i could really feel it again. and feel that i was truly praying to Him my Saviour again. and really feel that I am justified, that I'm part of God's family as His own child. i am a child of God! the Spirit of God is in me to praise and worship Him and that's great!
the shorter catcheism also mentions that we are to continually have faith and keep having faith. it's not a one time thing, but something that keeps going and keeps going. so yeah.
all the way man!
To be honest, I have been doubting my salvation alot. i was reading the Shorter Catcheism and like some things i didn't really feel.
so i prayed again. i prayed to receive Christ Jesus as Lord again. u know i'm really insecure about these things. i prayed to my Heavenly Father to forsake all known sins and repent and all that.
i prayed for a filling of the Holy Spirit of God into me.
and i'm seriously very joyful now! it was like, i was just praising God without even thinking about what to say. it's just like the words came out as though it was from a psalm, you know, it just flowed out giving thanks and exaltation to God above. i give thanks that hey i'm getting some kind of reassurance of my own salvation that can never be taken from me. Lord Jesus i'll live in faith, obedience, and trust forever. it was like, i love the Lord Jesus! i really do. i mean i could really feel it again. and feel that i was truly praying to Him my Saviour again. and really feel that I am justified, that I'm part of God's family as His own child. i am a child of God! the Spirit of God is in me to praise and worship Him and that's great!
the shorter catcheism also mentions that we are to continually have faith and keep having faith. it's not a one time thing, but something that keeps going and keeps going. so yeah.
all the way man!
Monday, September 19, 2005
Hello everyone.
God allows trials sometimes in my life to get me back on the right path. This I thank the Lord for. It is difficult to be totally thankful. you'd ask why. but sometimes, actually most of the time, i haven't been as obedient as i would have liked to be.
putting the Lord Jesus in the centre is something i always try. but sometimes things just distract. alot of things distract. sometimes i'm lacking faith. lacking the patience to see things through, lacking the patience to see that hey the Lord has a wonderful plan for my life and He's just waiting for me to let Him come and take control. and i'm still clinging on to my old stubborn beliefs in the hope that they'd turn up fine, but all the time I know that they won't. i'm sorry you know. i'm really apologetic. i try hard. i'd always put excuses that it's NS, that we're impatient to ORD, but hey discipleship is a life-long thing. doing masterlife and saying 'putting Christ at the centre of our lives' may seem like an easy commitment, but it is certainly difficult. when you have a girlfriend (hypothetically speaking), how do you balance your Christ-centered life with your love for your girl? it says love God first. that's true. but really it takes lots of prayer.
and really sometimes there are so many trials. but i'll be patient. that He'd find a way out. claim the promise that no temptation's too great to bear.
sometimes i even doubt God's faithfulness. i like to base everything on my own feelings, but that's obviously wrong. try as i want to, sometimes you don't feel very close to God at all. sometimes you feel very far. but God's always faithful isn't He. He's governed by His own words and not your own feelings right. sigh. but sometimes we're just looking for God. and yet you read Job and you see that he was 'forsaken' by God for a very long long time. and how bout Abraham that had to wait so long for Isaac. and there's a passage in the Bible that states the whole idea of 'by faith' so many things happened, and many people did not receive what they deserved in the first place but they deserved so much more, something like that. and so i'm going to have the faith that the Lord my Heavenly Father has something better planned for me than this mundane existence. and even if it's not revealed in the way i want it just let me have faith please.
i remembered at the start of the year faith was such a strong theme, i was stressing it to my churchmate and stuff. i was just reading john bevere and the last chapter on obedience was on faith, and i was just thinking, hey, he's so right you know. because without faith you start thinking that God isn't able to do anything, you start thinking that God is just not doing anything. but then He is doing something. It's just that I can't see it with my own eyes, of course! and there was one day when i was praying and the whole idea of faith came in, i was praying for my dad at the time, and i just felt my whole body just being refreshed again. i give thanks for those times. but it's important for me now to have faith. because "without faith it is impossible to please God".
so i will have faith now. whatever trials, temptations, may befall me. but God will deliver me. without trials and temptations (it was funny coz i was flipping the Bible and the verse about trials and temptations developing character just struck) there's no character development. without them we don't grow in our walk with the Lord. we'll just end up stagnant right. we don't rely and depend on Him then, we think we can do it ourselves. but you know what? i don't care what others may do. but I can't do anything without the Lord. i just can't. He's delivered me from so many trials in my life that i don't know what to say to thank Him. but then without those trials i probably wouldn't have abided so much.
you see. sigh.
i humble myself again. i'm sorry all my friends for being weird. you know, it's just a thing. times are a-changing, people leave. but the Lord is forever faithful. All the promises in the Bible were fulfilled, over 500 (if i remember correctly) prophesies about the Lord Jesus Christ's coming were fulfilled. i'm sure my own feelings are totally inadequate to explain the relationship between me and God.
God allows trials sometimes in my life to get me back on the right path. This I thank the Lord for. It is difficult to be totally thankful. you'd ask why. but sometimes, actually most of the time, i haven't been as obedient as i would have liked to be.
putting the Lord Jesus in the centre is something i always try. but sometimes things just distract. alot of things distract. sometimes i'm lacking faith. lacking the patience to see things through, lacking the patience to see that hey the Lord has a wonderful plan for my life and He's just waiting for me to let Him come and take control. and i'm still clinging on to my old stubborn beliefs in the hope that they'd turn up fine, but all the time I know that they won't. i'm sorry you know. i'm really apologetic. i try hard. i'd always put excuses that it's NS, that we're impatient to ORD, but hey discipleship is a life-long thing. doing masterlife and saying 'putting Christ at the centre of our lives' may seem like an easy commitment, but it is certainly difficult. when you have a girlfriend (hypothetically speaking), how do you balance your Christ-centered life with your love for your girl? it says love God first. that's true. but really it takes lots of prayer.
and really sometimes there are so many trials. but i'll be patient. that He'd find a way out. claim the promise that no temptation's too great to bear.
sometimes i even doubt God's faithfulness. i like to base everything on my own feelings, but that's obviously wrong. try as i want to, sometimes you don't feel very close to God at all. sometimes you feel very far. but God's always faithful isn't He. He's governed by His own words and not your own feelings right. sigh. but sometimes we're just looking for God. and yet you read Job and you see that he was 'forsaken' by God for a very long long time. and how bout Abraham that had to wait so long for Isaac. and there's a passage in the Bible that states the whole idea of 'by faith' so many things happened, and many people did not receive what they deserved in the first place but they deserved so much more, something like that. and so i'm going to have the faith that the Lord my Heavenly Father has something better planned for me than this mundane existence. and even if it's not revealed in the way i want it just let me have faith please.
i remembered at the start of the year faith was such a strong theme, i was stressing it to my churchmate and stuff. i was just reading john bevere and the last chapter on obedience was on faith, and i was just thinking, hey, he's so right you know. because without faith you start thinking that God isn't able to do anything, you start thinking that God is just not doing anything. but then He is doing something. It's just that I can't see it with my own eyes, of course! and there was one day when i was praying and the whole idea of faith came in, i was praying for my dad at the time, and i just felt my whole body just being refreshed again. i give thanks for those times. but it's important for me now to have faith. because "without faith it is impossible to please God".
so i will have faith now. whatever trials, temptations, may befall me. but God will deliver me. without trials and temptations (it was funny coz i was flipping the Bible and the verse about trials and temptations developing character just struck) there's no character development. without them we don't grow in our walk with the Lord. we'll just end up stagnant right. we don't rely and depend on Him then, we think we can do it ourselves. but you know what? i don't care what others may do. but I can't do anything without the Lord. i just can't. He's delivered me from so many trials in my life that i don't know what to say to thank Him. but then without those trials i probably wouldn't have abided so much.
you see. sigh.
i humble myself again. i'm sorry all my friends for being weird. you know, it's just a thing. times are a-changing, people leave. but the Lord is forever faithful. All the promises in the Bible were fulfilled, over 500 (if i remember correctly) prophesies about the Lord Jesus Christ's coming were fulfilled. i'm sure my own feelings are totally inadequate to explain the relationship between me and God.