Sorry, i've just been listening to this song over and over and over again [pun intended]; this is rachael yamagata's "the only fault", super nice.

Extremely beautiful acoustic guitar plucking, great tune, unusual chords, and poignant lyrics.

Rachael Yamagata - The Only Fault [hidden track]

If i could have one wish
If i could have some say
I'd keep you far from home
I'd roll back both my sleeves
Dig under your skin
And fix your shattered bones

Hold on
This may hurt you when i tell you of the truth,
We don't get two lives to live
It's true,
The only fault i've found in you
Is not being free to take what i would give

If i could bend your pain
Into something good
Make you a prouder man
If i could rough you up
And save you with good luck
And show you hope again

Hold on,
Weren't meant to suffer so very long
Leaving love that's gone has never been a sin
Hang tight,
The only fault you have tonight
Is shutting down so cold till i break in.

Oh sad young man,
I think i need you.
For reasons i don't know
I pledge myself to winter season
So it's perfectly on course
But in the end it has to snow.

If i could make you stay
Convince you you'd be lost
If we were torn apart
If it remained unclear
Between the two of us
Which one would be the one
To break the others heart

Hold on,
This will floor me differently
Than any drug that's washed me into sleep
It's true
The only fault i'll take from you
Is how to run from what you wish to keep

Kinda autobiographical perhaps?

we are human;

not dancer.

[this is a really powerful exposition on the human condition, you crass dancers!]

Jon sent me a link to Rachael Yamagata's "Elephants", which brought back memories of May, memories of my travelling down to the Esplanade to catch a glimpse of the singer-songwriter in all her yellow glory tell her funny sordid stories, as she pours her soul out to a packed esplanade concert hall in song. as her voice leaps over her tinkling ivories, or from time to time when she strums her guitar, she croons, growls, and wails, as her gravelly voice sings "over and over and over again...let it rain..."

Rachael yamagata is a really gifted songwriter; she has what you call craft, a craft that comes with much writing and playing, and her songs are so tuneful but more than just that there's a depth of emotion and warmth of soul that sucks you in and lulls you.

i especially like the hidden track from elephants (the second album), called 'the only fault', which i find frankly quite brilliant. other standout tracks are 'over and over', 'duet', 'elephants', and from the first album there are a whole shrew of favourites, such as quiet, 1963, be be your love, etc. it was a treat.

which reminds me of all the good concerts that i've been fortunate to catch in singapore; in fact most of the angmoh gigs i've gone to have all been standouts.

they include:

cranberries + no doubt - 2003 - amazing gig; 2 of my favourite bands; delores was just charming and so intense; gwen was a powerhouse and full of energy.

red hot chili peppers - an intense jam, coupled with naked sweating bodies.

suede - another awesome gig, at fort canning - with loads of charm, and brett anderson crooning his heart out.

jason mraz - he was just awesome; one of the best i've seen; his voice control was stunning.

rachael yamagata - enough said (just see above) - very enjoyable evening.

coldplay - another good gig; i didn't watch the viva la vida one, but the one before (2006) - that was still very enjoyable.

oh - just the one dud:

Oasis - just standing there and crooning isn't going to cut it - FAIL.

lea salonga is coming and it's going to be fun; anyone wanna watch? can sms me.

i realised that it's okay really to be a geek.

I'm unabashed about it; I am a geek.

I used to code HTML the time before web editors came up.

i would do the <>

you know, all of that.

and java, for a bit.

i started my first blog in 1999; was just a stupid little geek then; still am!

there's nothing wrong with being a geek; just be comfortable who you are.

the girls don't like you, but i dont' really care; i find myself quite cute.

it's okay.

really.

anyway some nice songs i've been discovering are:

The Drums - Let's go surfing

Richard Hawley - for your lover give some time

I went for mass that very same Friday that the other post came about. CO invited me for mass and said it would mean much to her, so i went. i was very hesitant, but i was glad that i took the chance to go. we sat down there, sang the songs; was a bit uncomfortable with the 'mary' part, but then just kept it to myself. just wanted to see what it was like, but boy was it good! Like i told P, it is strange; we protestants often deride the mass as just being overly procedural, but in fact when i attended the mass there was a very deep sense of spirituality; you could feel the Holy Spirit's presence, the Heavenly Father's presence being there as everyone sang out to Him and like He was in the audience, and the very presence of the Lord Jesus Himself in the lecture theater where the mass was held. it was very strange; there was a deep sense of calm, a deep sense of spirituality. which was quite awesome. maybe a reaction to my previous post [which was posted just a few hours ago.]

Over the weekend, my walk has been... alright; some struggles, but mostly Christ Jesus staying close to me and allowing me [thank Him] to enfold myself in Him fully, to embrace Him fully, to snuggle in His arms as He embraces me. for He loves me dearly and i know that is true.

the problem with me, shawn, is that, often when the world hits me and tempts me, i am too greedy to say no to the things that will surely destroy me. may the blessed Holy Spirit give me discernment.

I wish GOD sometimes will manifest himself in a way that is more... REAL. Yes I do hear his voice, but sometimes they are plagued by the greatest doubts and uncertainty. And then it begs the question - how do we square experiences with faith?

You see, herein lies the issue: Faith is of course, commensurable with experience; but experience can either

a) destroy faith

or

b) strengthen it.

If b), then it happens so that one's 'experience' confirms what one believes, thus one sees the thing "hoped for" in one's life, in one's experience, so thus the faith is strengthened. but what happens if one doesn't experience what one believes, or, perhaps, even experiences the opposite of what was supposed to happen, then what does one do?

Can we then reach the stage where we can put our hope in GOD alone, apart from our experiences? That, in spite of our experiences, and our troubles, we base our lives on that unswerving faith in GOD? On that faith - that knowledge that the good promises are a reality - even in spite of experiences that tells you otherwise? Then it will be even better, for then what is left is just pure GOD, and none of yourself- pure faith, and no experience. Then one can see the fulness and greatness of God without getting your dirty human fingers into it.

indeed. it will be nice - the Lord has to help me. i can't feel this "help", but i know that it must come, for surely he hears.

law school is damn stifling;

everyone does things for show; like, i will do "LOL" to provoke a reaction, or just laugh to get a reaction; or you know, be nice, when i'm like.....

it's not that i'm not nice or that i don't find it funny, but this "keeping up appearences" is SUPER STIFLING! super stifling!

"keeping up appearances" is not good for maintaining healthy friendships. trust me.

but law school is so bad. coz its so small and like the grapevine is everywhere.

i was quite happy being a weirdo.

The problem about me is that I am afraid of suffering.

But then, yesterday's CELL GROUP sharing has taught me some things about suffering; let me change my views O God!

"⁹For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, ³⁰since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have."

It is a privilege, indeed, to suffer for Christ; Thus, it says, "consider it pure joy, when you undergo trials and temptations...". So I have to rejoice when I am facing suffering, and am suffering, and am going through all that, because I know that those are gifts from the Almighty God [since the Word has said so].

Indeed in this day and age it is apt to think of suffering as useless, or be bitter about it; or complain. but true maturity comes with accepting that suffering as a gift, and allowing it to change the inside of your soul.

Praise the Lord for being with me the whole of today.

yay.

i will blog the same thing tomorrow!

Give Thanks to the LORD for He is good - His love endures forever.

LAW IV Today was awesome - and it couldn't possibly have come from anyone ELSE but the Lord Jesus, from whom all good blessings flow.

As it is written:

"All good gifts come from the Father, who does not change like shifting shadows."

I prayed with Edward today just before the thing, and throughout the performance I felt Jesus just beside my piano. He was with me (still is), and i was conversing with Him while playing. He told me to keep playing, to play for Him - that He still loved me and stuff, and I know that, even though I cannot see it, He made everyone sing well, made the performance awesome, and made everything good.

He said He would help and He did - I know that slowly slowly he is giving me more faith, and strengthening my faith again but letting me see.

I have to LOVE Jesus and REMAIN in Him. because i actually do love him a bit, but let it grow Lord.

give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.
At the end of the day, we go back to God; for His love endures forever.

When we are tired and our lives have worn dry, and all that is left behind is begging to be embraced, we turn back to God, for His love endures forever.

When we need forgiveness and love, we turn to God, for His love endures forever.

Why run away?

Maybe because we want to be recognized by others.All the time - we do things to make ourselves popular. to grab attention.

how long shawn will you live in foolishness?

sigh.

law iv is nearly there; so many things to do, so many things yet uncompleted; not knowing what's going to happen, only knowing, hoping - not yet truly knowing - but soon to know - that God will be there when we perform, and may it be a show worth watching.

i will really miss the people who did law iv; the fun times in the audi. may we still remain friends after all that has gone away.

didn't know love required me to reciprocrate.

or grace, for that matter.

call me ungrateful, call me what, but just because i don't say anything doesn't mean i don't appreciate it.

It's sad when people lose all hope in mankind.
scared of being hurt, afraid to throw yourself out there again, scared of being taken advantage of, of being hurt;

then, there is nowhere to go but down.
can't God heal the hurts? can't God mend the pains?
then why be afraid of letting yourself go, to let yourself experience, be loved - for fear of being hurt?

sigh.

come on..

Im excited about law IV
things seem to be going well.


may my heart be with the Lord Jesus again!
yes i can say that it is with him right now

MAY IT BE WITH HIM FOREVER

BUT i have assurances from His Word. LET ME BELIEVE IT.

"For I know my sheep, and my sheep know me...I gave them eternal life and they shall never perish...no one shall snatch them from my Father's hands"

LET ME BELIEVE IT GODD!!


honeslty.
ive been down
and sick
and tired

but i must put my heart with my LORD JESUS
and trust His Plan for my life

don't struggle against the will of God. He has good plans for you, better plans than you will ever have for yourselves, and those plans are the best you can ever have since they were given to you by the one who created you and is perfectly good and thus is the author of what's best.

thus sometimes, you have to move many steps back, to move one step forward. for one has reached the dead end - and simply going forward will lead to a cliff, and the inevitable drop into nothingness.

so turn back! move back! you have to go back to move forward.

you better do it soon.

Is there more to life than just the physical?

I’m sure there is;
Why must you reduce my life to just the physical? What about my emotional needs? Mental needs? Spiritual needs?
is everything just pain and pleasure?
is everything benthamian?

i have needs too you know. to be included. to be special. to be valued.
and not respecting my opinions and my feelings at all is really not love, is it?
so what if you give me so many things?



on the other note, it was a great cell group. God has been really really good to me and I just want to follow His will. it's like this - if we really want to follow His will and be obedient and do what He wants us to do - then we wil be able to discern His will very clearly and accurately - and that's what I want, too. My life has been messed up as it is.
oh well.
the worship was great - i prayed that the worship would be good, and it was amazing how I was able to choose the right songs and actually select the songs and think of the order, even without reading the materials....hurhur......what happened was that God allowed me to choose the songs, plan the order, just the way the material set it out to be! in fact it was really very very miraculous. it's amazing how it all fits in together - so amazing. and it was amazing really.
God is real, amazing, and good - not just for today, but for tomorrow.

okay. so i'm going to note this here: God has been faithful in a) allowing me to choose the right songs, allowing me to lead the worship well, allowing us to praise Him in a wonderful way as a cell group, allowing us to be in His presence and gracing us with His presence - b) responding affirmatively to the prayer that I made.

my prayer life is in shambles, so i have to take down and note how God answers prayers so i will STOP DOUBTING THAT HE ANSWERS PRAYERS - HE DOES!
AND NOT JUST FOR NOW, BUT FOR TOMORROW!

quite amazing is the Lord's timing.
Just today I was thinking about the need to have Faith - and how I will believe in Him again - not just seek the assurances but really believe, have Faith, that He will pull me through and He will sustain me and He will keep me safe and He will do the things that He has promised in His word.

I was driving in my car, listening to Miles Davis' "Blue in Green" and enjoying the emotions, sensing beyond just the mere notes into feeling the emotions, feeling the music as a language, and its wonderful beauty. And I just had faith to believe again, and I just understood again how God created the trees, and people, and the roads, and suddenly, the trees along Bukit Timah Road looked so beautiful again as the leaves are crowned with God's glory, and suddenly music sounded nice again. everything was alive. blue in green really felt so lush, luxuriant.

I worshipped God, singing 'How beautiful, how wonderful, name above every names, exalted high."

and then i read hebrews 11:1-40. wow. how apt.
guess what verse it is:
"1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.

3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead."

see:
"by faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible."
amazing - just as what I had experienced just moments before and understood through His Spirit. how amazing is God's love to me.

The last verse strikes me: "39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

just some thoughts.

Because I'm not hurting myself only, I'm hurting the people around me that loves me. I'm hurting the Lord who loves me. I'm hurting people.

I can easily say - it's just my life, i can screw it up, and i can remake it later on. but it's not. it's not zero-transaction costs (to put it crudely). it's not simply a frictionless surface that you can go in and come out off without leaving any residue on the side or damaging your self, your soul, your body, etc - when you mess up your life. because when you mess your life, for eg. being involved in an unhealthy relationship or so, you're not the only one getting hurt. people hurt as well.


and i was super amazed at Obama's speech. it was really very very awe-inspiring. the wind, the breeze, the soil - he is an amazing speaker.

my heart belongs to Christ Jesus now and it must be kept there. The Lord will keep me (and my heart - it) safe - he told me so. i have to trust the One who chose me. For He told me that He has chosen me and He will keep me save.

Hope u all had a merry christmas. I surely did. It wasn't bad. the highlight must have been watching les miserables on DVD, all soppy-eyed. it was good, very cathartic.


And Yes okay I know im fat. didn't you know that? i have been the brunt of too many jokes. they normally go like that:
"oh, XXX is 5 months pregnant, you are already 9 months! congrats!"
"when is the baby due?"
"young kids like you 23 years old shouldn't have a tummy that is meant for middle-aged men."
and yeah i know i'm fat. when they say "9 months pregnant" they are not actually engaging in hyperbole. i do have a pot-belly, an embarassing one that sticks out like a sore thumb/balloon and invites everyone to rub it "for good luck", as a friend has put it. and it means i can't wear anything but black, or something dark, lest it look too obvious.

but you never hear anyone make fun of "stupidity" or "arrogance" or "nastiness". you never hear someone say "why are you so dumb!", just as if to call one stupid is being absolutely inconsiderate, and absolutely "insensitive" to the person's feelings - because the logic is - one cannot control how stupid he may be, or how arrogant he may be, but one can control how 'fat' he is. i don't buy that; is it not inconsiderate and insensitive to call someone 'fat' as well? or say 'oh he has put on so much weight?' and is not the lack of an aptitude in studies/work/anything also due to some character flaws for eg. laziness just as being fat is a product of another character flaw, that of greed? if i'm lazy and i dont study all my life i will naturally be more stupid; if i'm greedy and eat all day i will become fat; how come people only make fun of the fat and not of the stupid?

i know why - because being 'fat' is good for 'comic relief'. if you see a fat person, you can make fun of him because you can laugh about it hahaha. wow.
i'd like to see people comment on another's ears, for instance; how come no one goes and says 'look at those big ears!' or.....other body parts - to say the least.
the bottom line is, we like to talk too much, about stupid things. maybe we are too bored in life. then go get a life. go get a hobby. go do something. go learn about the world man. where is greenland? go find out. wikipedia. there is so much more to life than being concerned with my fat belly.

Just to confirm I'm screwed up, here's a song that was written by yours truly (me) some 1o years ago, when I was just, 13. Not even pubescent yet. And how moronic I was, and how sad, and how psychotic.

I think about my family - Shawn Poon


....(i can't remember the first few lines - the verse)
"Paranoid fears, grip me never let me go
Thinking there's a bomb over my head
Anytime my fate would be sealed
Whether I would go to heaven
Or the depths of hell
But sweetheart, I really wanna see you next morning
I don't wanna go

And when we walk through the depths of hell
I wonder where we will reside
And when I think my life's not worth living
I think about my family"

morbid, ain't it. maybe just a little poetic. oh for a 13 year old. cut me some slack.

Christ, I wish that you would just take away these impulses. These silent impulses , that quietly creep into your subconscious, that tells you thoughts that you do not want to hear. That rages themselves against you till you succumb and then be plagued by the greatest fear. And then I ask for forgiveness but I cannot get the words out right – they are too disjointed – they get cut off – they never finish the sentence and never come to fruition – Christ I remember Your words and kindness and love once upon a time – the time when I was in Your arms and when I hang on like a baby, close to You and just letting Your light shine on me. It was nice, I remembered, genuinely nice and warm and loving and full of love and it was, just, good. I remembered lying there saying that You will never leave me for the rest of my life and how You whisper that You love me. And how You whispered to me those truths I would never forget – but now, what has happened now? I’m so far away – I am just chasing shadows, chasing little voices of you that really just could be my own voice – and I’m not sure. I can’t trust myself – it could just be me. I wish it were You. But it is You, You say – I just have to realize – and grow – and trust – it will be okay, it will be okay. I just need to know that it will be okay. It has to.

-Prayer from an OCD boy


So He has forgiven me and He has said "I forgive you shawn" and hugged me and said that I am His. That I am "my shawn" and not just "shawn" or any other "shawn" on the street but His. I hope it doesn't change. sigh.