alright, i guess a part of me is just impatient - impatient for my real life to start. it's kinda in limbo, i don't know where i'm heading, really.

"But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall soar on wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint."
isaiah.

Waiting has never been easy, huh. I mean, you can only wait if you have faith. But if you don't even have faith, your waiting is pointless, because waiting involves that you do believe that something good is going to happen, in the end; that's why the Lord in His Word said that if e Lord didn't rise from the dead, our faith would be useless - because ultimately there must be something good in the end - Jesus's Resurrection - amen, which is true, and real, and He is Lord of all - from now till forever. but then faith manifested itself in something real - that there is something good in the end (His resurrection), that's why we can really have faith, because we knew something good is going to happen in the end.
It's the same with me, i have to have faith that something good is going to happen, at the end of all this. in my life, though for the dearth of me i can't see it now. i gotta believe.


I'm trying to get rid of a stronghold man. this stronghold will not go away. but it must - for it is causing deep rebellion, inside. but even this is down to faith. it is really about faith - faith that e Lord will deliever me from this stronghold.

I used to blog much more - about who I am, finding myself. (this blog's been around for quite some time, incidentally. 2003). and i'm back to writing music again. i think when i'm writing, part of it is really self-exploration, a quite cathartic form of expression that releases what's inside me. and it's really about personal expression - it's not about being proud and trying to show off to the world "oh i'm such a super awesome songwriter", but it's really about personal expression, personal emotion, to release how i really feel inside. if not it's too unhealthy - keeping it in is only going to make it worse, really.

in law school, being an INFP is very difficult. absolutely.
because, one, law school is often always about who has the loudest voice, largest gestures, biggest opinions. an introvert shys away; law school is about logic - you win based on logic, but then i'm an emotional person who prefers to let my feelings do the talking. so again, no go. and it's not about intuition, because you can't use intuition to convince the judge, can you? it has to be based on details. and lastly, it's about the details, not the big picture; if you cared about the big picture, you'd be a politician. a visionary. an economist. or something. in fact those are really the things i wanna do, to be a steve jobs or something. create a new product. think of a new concept. but of course, vanity has brought me to law school, and the pain of living a life unhealthily not-suited to my own.

guess i'll work for a few years and then buzz off.

N & M's advice, i better take.
the douchebag's got it all wrong. oh well. but i can't help it, can i?

roarrr!

Thy loving kindness is better than life
that old refrain is so true.

Mental note to myself: must be strong in the mind - must overcome the enemy! must overcome adversity!
MUst.

I realised that i'm actually a very nuah person. i enjoy slacking. i enjoy bumming around, letting myself daydream, doing all sorts of slack things, lying in bed, on the couch, having lunch, then going back to sleep, oh it's dinner time, eat, then go back to nuah. or watch some tv. just something that doesn't need too much exertion.

I woke up at 1. life is good. tried to give myself a coffee "ban", you know, no coffee for a while. i think i shld do that more. it rejuvenates the mind.

i wonder how im going to get through working life next time.

James 1:2-7

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


When I ask i better not doubt - because he who doubts will not receive anything from the Lord. But when he asks, HE MUST BELIEVE.
I MUST BELIEVE.

So HELP ME GOD.

i have problems really communicating i think, expressing how i feel really? like, sometimes, you want to say something but you just can't express it, or maybe you're too scared to say it.
and i have so many times been so afraid of finding myself by expressing myself so people think im really someone else. how sad is that?
i have resolved to blog more. it is cathartic.

anyway,
may the Lord Jesus's will be done in my life, on this earth, as it is in heaven, this is my prayer every day, and i'm glad when His will is done.

Ive been listening alot, to the point of obsession, to Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No 2. It is a monumental, colossal, magnificent work, from the hands of God. The themes are so melancholic and so deep, and the development is stunning as well. I even tried to download the score to try to play it, but of course i am playing at like 1/8 of the speed, at the very most.

Do give it a listen

I think people have very mistaken "impressions" of me, viewing me as an extrovert, flamboyant, old chum, or something like that. well, to tell you the truth, i am none of that sort.

many people think that all i want is a pretty girlfriend/wife. but really that's not what's on my radar. i really want someone who will last, who will love me enough to stay e distance with me, to go the distance with me. that's when i can put some of myself into that other person, to give off myself to that other person. to reach out, out of my shell, to her. but without that assurance of something lasting, it is merely impossible. i'm too afraid of being hurt.

The only person is Christ, who will do that for me. no one else has come close, so far.

i wonder who it will be. if there is that someone.

It's interesting to watch the world from a Parisian window
u don't really have to play
but it's nice just, watching.

to seek the approval of the Lord as the basis for my actions is my goal.

to know, fully, and really, his approval and love and goodness for me, as the basis for what i do, is the real key.

it's not earning it - it will come naturally, once i understand and appreciate it more fully.

Hello 2010!

What will you bring?

Or what can I give?

What's in store?

I have been in limbo, really, but the Lord told me to wait on Him. Wait. Not to run off again and again. just wait.

"But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall soar up on wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint."

Isaiah something. i can't remember. Chapter 53 i think!

Im very tireed and a bit of a limbo. going to get my wisdom tooth plucked out tomorrow. means no eating. sigh. on that note, though, my food blog is updated! yippie.

Visiting Tampines again brings back so many old memories; memories of going to my old market, buying lanterns, of rickety school buses traipsing through tampines st 81, of the swimming pool with its large holes, of long rides visiting the piano teacher; i was young then, and earnest about the world; it was a nice kampung, it was home.

nostalgia brought me to go back towards the west (where i now live) using pretty much the whole stretch of east coast road. i remember my parents having plenty of friends who stayed in nice little houses along upper east coast road, all the church friends who owned houses there; i remember nice little family outings to katong to eat. or travelling in the car along the ECP; in fact i can still recall it very clearly: tanjong katong road, marine parade, marine vista, siglap road, bedok, bayshore, tampines! home!

oh well.

those days are gone i guess.

the west is very different. less neat. it's not quaint like the east is. everything is sprawling and vast and the roads curve here and there and there's plenty of forests and trees. the houses are much bigger. there are hills everywhere. it's great. but it's not like the east is.

i tried the most yummilicious cheng tng at bedok corner (ye lai xiang) which i will post about in my food blog, but it is really the works. absolutely amazing.

maybe we shouldn't have moved over to the west; we were happy in the east. sigh. my parents had real friends who treated them as friends. relocating, trying to find their roots again in the west, isnt' so easy. it just isn't the same.

sometimes when they say family lasts but friends don't, i'm not so sure; family is important, yes, but how can you say that long term friends aren't really like your family? isn't there just e same bond?

anyway the remaining of this post is going to be very technical but since blogging iz just for fun i will shout it out anyways;

many people ask me "how do you get so good at directions" and all that, and i explain to them that it's really quite simple. so i'll share with you a little secret.

singapore is a ridiculously easy city to navigate, really. because, just like all the other cities, the roads are all either north-south (longtitudes) or east-west (latitudes). so if you know how the roads are ordered, you can pretty much travel anywhere.

North-south roads (they travel from the NORTH to the south). so here's how they are ordered, starting from West moving towards East.

(Jurong)

Lim Chu Kang Road - Jln Bahar

Jurong Town Hall Road - Bukit Batok Road

Clementi Ave 6 (connecting the two highways)

Clementi Road - Upper Bukit Timah Road - Woodlands Road (to the causeway)

Buona Vista Road (in e south); BKE (in the north)

Farrer Road - Lornie Road - Upper Thomson Road - Sembawang Road

Thomson Road - Marymount Road - AMK Ave 6 - Lentor Avenue

CTE

(In the city):

Eu Tong Sen Street / New Bridge Road moving upwards: Hill Street / Victoria St;

(In the east)

Tanjong Katong Road - Paya Lebar Road - Upper Paya Lebar Road

Jln Eunos - Eunos Link - moving upwards to Hougang

(EAST WEST ROADS)

Moving from SOUTH to NORTH:

[in the West]

West Coast Highway - ECP

AYE - ECP

Jln Bukit Merah (not that long)

Commonwealth Avenue West - Leng Kee Road

Holland Road

Bukit Timah Road [links to Clementi Rd - upper bukit timah rd] - Rochor Road

PIE

SLE

(In the East)

(from the ECP)

Mountbatten Road - East Coast Road - Upp East Coast Rd

Sims Avenue - New Upper Changi Road - Upp Changi Road East

PIE

TPE

[moving north]:

Braddell Road - Bartley Road

AMK Avenue 1 - Boundary Road

AMK Avenue 3 - Houngang Ave 2

In fact, there are even diagonal roads: the most prominent being:

Upper Serangoon Road, moving diagonally from serangoon up till pongoll.

And there are ring roads:

the most famous and important being Queensway - Farrer Road - Braddell Road - Bartley Road - TPE

so if u know all this, you can find ur way around singapore+)

guaranteed.

It's been so long since I've posted.
Hie guys.

Merry Christmas and celebrate Jesus's birthday. how cool is that.
Say Happy Birthday to Jesus if u haven't.

NYE is coming.

actually im not here to blog about serious stuff.

im just going to share some cool songs.

the first is:

liza minnelli - maybe this time

it's been on repeat for the longest time.

it's super cool.

and the other is

kristin chenoweth - taylor e latte boy.

and let me post the chords here. since u can't find them anywhere, i've attempted to decipher them.

haha

here goes:

A A#5

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky

A6 A7
Maybe this time, he'll stay

(riff - E-D#-E-F-E-F-F#-F-F#-G)

D
Maybe this time

D#5
For the first time

D6 D#dim
Love won't hurry away

(F#-F-F#-G-F#-G-G#-G-G#-G)
E E/D C#m F#7
He will hold me fast

B B E7
I'll be home at last

A7 D7 G
Not a loser anymore

A
Like the last time

F# B E
And the time before

(Riff)

A A#5
Everybody loves a winner

A6 A7
So nobody loved me;

D D#5
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'

D6 D#dim
That's what I long to be

E E/D
All the odds are in my favor

A/C# F#m B7
Something's bound to begin

A/E A#5/E
It's got to happen, happen sometime

A6/E A
Maybe this time I'll win
F

Bb [repeat it in Bb]

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time
Maybe this time I'll win

I hate holidays.

No one asks me to go for anything, no dinners, no suppers, no anything.

coz shawn's a bit of a weirdo, so you don't ask him, okay?

right.

alright.

never mind la

one day when i become a pop star u all can kiss my foot!

(yah right - as if that's gonna happen)

the Lord spoke to me, gave me A, and then said "put your helmet of salvation on."

i went off into the world, lost the plot, did stupid things, got myself entangled with the enemy.

came back to Jesus, apologised, He said he still loved me, things are great, i stayed there for a while.

forgot too easily, went into the world, lost e plot, did stupid things, got myself entangled with the enemy.

came back to Jesus, apologised, He said He still loved me, i said i love him, i stayed there for a while.

it went on and on.

tonite, i got home, Jesus said He still loves me, I said i love Him, was trying to mean it, was blessed with A and S that flowed very nicely, back to the magical moments and source, and then, i screwed up again. i went doubting, going to e enemy, and then, the blessings all stopped, and all i got was ruin.

went back to the Lord, the Lord said He still loves me, and i said i still love Him, and he blessed me again with A, S, with words of assurance, with life, with encouragement, and with assurances that A came from Jesus, "came from me", He said; so i said 'thankyou', i love you Lord.

and that was great.

now let me remain.

please God.

i still want to remain.

it's been too long out there fighting rainbows, being scared stiff coz of the enemy.

and i don't want to surrender.

Girls are superficial, men are worse.

So who am I to complain?

I used to think that, having a good heart is good enough. But no, you have to actually look like you can be brought out at dinner parties.

There is no girl here, mind, i'm just rambling.

So, time for a makeover. If you can't fight them, join them.

Ah, now, time to look for my biore pore pack. hmm.

i was a happy boy, once.

until the angst of teenage life got me

and i thought it was natural and i wanted to be cool

so i did bad things

and now i regret.

i remember eating fries at east coast macs

and being happy with mcnuggets

and i was really quite a happy boy then.

made too many mistakes in the past huh.

someone told me that singer-songwriters are often stalkers.

cue "hey there delilah " - was written for his crush (but never got to be together with).

taylor swift used to stalk her bfs.

coz songwriters are sensitive souls. and we don't go all out there to Flirt with people - so sometimes we can only stalk.

coz im not thick-skinnedenough to go talk to her right.

argh

Just came back from prayer meeting.

Had a good talk with Uncle KF, i told him about the OCD which was getting bad. He said that all the great men of faith in the Bible all had some infirmity, and how Paul asked for his thorn of flesh to be removed but God didn't remove it - but he said that God has a reason why He didn't remove it. Likewise i have a thorn in my flesh, but i have to TRUST GOD that His non-removal of my thorn is for His own purpose, and for His own glory, and for His reasons, and will.

I learnt something today:

That I am to give the Father (GOD) glory - that's who I am. that's who i will be forever. yeah i'm happy with that.

My mind was prompted by the Holy Spirit to think "I'll give the Father glory/ I'll give my Father glory forever" - and I heard the Spirit say "that's who you are". yes. even in the midst of my infirmity.

For Jesus Himself CHOSE me, even though i am so unworthy. this can only equate to the work of the Father (logically speaking) = it must be the Father's work, and not mine. for Jesus Himself CHOSE me small minny me before i even chose Him, and thus it must be the work of the Father and it must be the Father's own will that it happens, so all glory be to the Father himself: may all the glory be given to the Father.

I love Jesus = but this is the Father's work. I love the Father = but this is the Father's work as well. So in all things, I am to give glory to the Father because it is His work; I am giving glory to the Father forevermore.

[and all the songs i've written are gifts from my Father above, through Jesus His Son. Cue James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows". => So the right response is to give the Father glory for His giving of songs to me, for His songs that he has bountifully and graciously given me. from "autumn", to "still madly in love", to all other songs, every song is from the Father THE LORD ALMIGHTY, and i just realised something as i meditated on this - is that He gave the songs to me even without me recognising that it was Him who gave it to me, in my ignorance and disbelief and rebellion, and without me even asking him specifically for these good gifts, so may I praise my Father and give my Father all the glory in the world and in the universe, and even more so because He still gave these gifts to me even though I did not recognise him or acknowledge him - so great is my Father's love for me!]