unless the lord builds the house they labour in vain

Psalms 127 says:
1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved.


It is useless to go and fight the battle yourself - GOD must be the one who plants the seed and who builds it from day one, if not, I am labouring in vain. I have laboured in vain many years - I need to just wait and rest in Him and let Him work - let the Lord work. it is just vain labour otherwise, absolutely vain labour.


just the trust to wait for the lord. quiet, simple, disciplined, trust, in the Lord.


"let's take time to wait upon the Lord
let's take time to listen to His voice
unless the Lord builds the house we labour in vain
so let's take time to wait upon the Lord"

sigh waiting for her to reply to my email.

argh. maybe she doesn't really want to talk?

dont blame her anyhow.

Jesus must lead

I have been really stupid doing all this by myself . The song Jesus take the wheel is so important that in everything I gotta let Jesus lead. Why always try to meddle with his perfect plan that he's doing in your life ? With him the more you do sometimes the worse it gets the thing you need to do is to let him take over. Reminds me of the disciples at the storm when the lord calmed the storm. I need him to do it.

If you are reading this i am sorry and I can't say it enough and it may seem like only words but I will prove it to you what I told you, with Jesus's help. I wil wait for you, promise.

Pain

There's the pain that's still there - the pain - it's not going away - it's just pain and pain and more pain.


Will God heal my heart? He must - I asked how the hurt can go away - only time can heal
but it's just pain.


Just pain


never mind i'll find someone like you?
really?


I don't know la. I shouldn't have gotten so emotionally attached to my friend. [i hope you're not reading it - but maybe you are. crap. but well my cards are open]


"i've played all my cards, but you've kept them in the hand
there's nothing more to say, you've taken your final stand"


[a modification of Abba]


if only God will help me to be patient above all else, how wonderful that will be. I have to be patient, I must!


=D

You and I - know the reason why

Wow one of these days I want to be able to write a song just like this, from the most talented Rachael Yamagata. A song that really stays with you through the thick and thin, and through the heartbreak and the joy. This is "The Reason Why", which is apparently (I believe) about her departure from the band Bumpus as she is asked to "head out alone" and she'd "hope for the best". 


It's a joy to listen to her music because it's so organic and you can feel the raw emotions that are running through her music, and not just underneath the surface or bubbling under like the brook but boiling over, engulfing your innermost desires and souls (which should ideally have belonged to God in the first place) but yeah. 


Here it is: The Reason Why


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuQvja_t1FY


Lyrics: Music and lyrics by Rachael Yamagata, from the album Happenstance

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

When you feel that peace in your soul, that's when you know it's Gods will. Amen

leap year - damn awesome! 

woohoo I didn't think anyone was going to be born on this day, but apparently there are=)

my colleague was right - to a certain extent. that was a little stupid thing to do. but then I trust God, I have to! =D

how is everyone doing?

It's a choice - do you want to be controlled by your emotions and carnal feelings, or do you want the Holy Spirit to lead you?

Please pray for me. I need the HOLY SPIRIT to lead me. that's all.

I'm mr Brightside!

coming out of my cage -

what cage?

Never mind I'll find someone like you

Seems like youve got someone new . No expectations I had really, just a little pain - my own fault for not guarding my heart and letting it run away. Sigh. The heart is deceitful over all things, who can fathom it?

Ok everyone be happy that's all I can say. Whoever said I've outgrown my emo stage ??

The someone new is really cool I believe. Charming handsome cute and all those things an emo boy is not. He's got game. Ok fine I understand.

It's a bit like Lionel Messi coming into the S-League to play soccer against your team (thankfully I'm not the left back or right back). Just don't have game, Shawn! 

*^*()*&^%^&*(

Gotta learn how to be "fake" happy - being an INFP is horrible in the context of being cool. Friends, we feel too much. Learning to be that kind of feeling individual is not what's required. What's required is the ability to wait out, to "dong" through the storm, to let it just wash away, to be mindful to just "observe" instead of doing anything.

Like I said, you can't fight Lionel Messi. We all have passions, and I'm going to do something about it. Watch this space :)

Happiness, spontaneity, and the lack of dopamine

People always ask me how come I don't seem genuinely happy. To be honest, from an outsider's perspective, it would seem rather easy for me - I am, after all, talented in music (not as much as some people but sufficiently so, by the grace of God), not too bad looking (except a bit fat), have a decent job (as a lawyer now), a good family (not a broken one, as my mother would keep reminding me), have loads of friends (although mostly acquaintances and only a few close ones), etc. 


But do they know the struggle inside? The struggle that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, a disorder of the brain that creates thoughts that do not seem to want to resolve itself, BAD THOUGHTS that keep floating in my mind and refuses to leave. It is by the grace of JESUS that I still live, and still stand alive today. I spoke with Christ about this OCD and he told me that "my grace is sufficient for you" (this was circa Saturday morning, before my visit to my shrink). "My grace is sufficient for you" - what a wonderful promise. Everytime I speak to Christ he tells me in love to "put my helmet of salvation on" and that he calls me dear, "dear Shawn" - that I am dearly loved. The perennial question is NOT to let my illness destroy the hope that I have in Christ - the hope that still is deep within me that is born out of GOD and not out of men. The hope that does not stem from simple things of the world, but of a deeper sense that God has planted the seed of hope in me, and it cannot be destroyed.


To that note, I repeat Stuart Townend's song, "there is a hope", which states impressively what this whole "hope" is about. Something unflinching, something that never dies, and never ends.


Good night.

true life lessons

I'm back from Phuket, a little burnt.

Learnt some important life lessons: (1) there will always be some bigger fish out there in the sea. it's inevitable. you're only as good as your last ... hit single (see Whitney - whether she was depressed or not, I don't know), but it's true - you're only as good as the next time when another bigger cooler smarter posher fish comes along. (2) people don't have perfect information and thus you need to sell yourself - they cant' read your bloddy minds. so have to sell yourself, bopian. it's life, it's so unbohemian but then again we're in singapore. if i were somewhere else it'll be much easier, but i have to learn that hey this is singapore. everyone cares about appearances, faces. it's not a perfect world out there. pretty imperfect actually. As someone said, you "maketh the best, not the worsth". Really? sometimes one needs to have that higher level of FAITH in God to believe that whatever comes out of your situation is good. and I can't keep on giving the excuse that I have little faith to be something different, something that I can be. Doesn't work that way does it? No, didn't think so.

blah i'm ranting at 2.25am in the morning and it reminds me of my teenage days which were rather angst-ridden and unproductive, really. Still on the mend, still on the mend, but sometimes lapsing back into the past. arghhhhhhhhh

I must not LET MYSELF GET EMO ARGHHHHH *($%^&*()^%R$E#$%^&*(.

IT'S SO IRRITATINGGGGG

i like to look at life circumspectively, with all these things up my sleeve, and thinking aloud to myself - it gives me the tingles on my back which is really quite lovely a sensation to have. but then again it is again UNPRODUCTIVE thinking. in fact it just makes everything ugly and you look through life thinking what the ___ could i have done better.

i don't think i can. it's not me anyway. i'm not going to sing lady gaga that i was "born this way", but then again, i'm not here to be thrown to the hoards of fishermen out there, like simple sardines. when it happens, it'll be special, no doubt about that. just like how everything fits together, one day it will be special.

Really now?

shawn you're just freaking scared to go alone into the dark

but i'm scared! i've been bitten before. do i grow stronger or do i flinch back? i can't tell really. what the hell am i doing as a lawyer? i also can't tell. Not enough balls to go and break out of this, perhaps.

(who reads this blog anyway huh huh huh huh huh)/

and i know that we're making mistakes again and again but do i ever learn? hardly hardly.

i sound a bit like aaron tan talking to himself actually (seen the video before? it's hilarious, really - i could just watch that over and over again).

i swear, all i need is a bit of adele or rachael yamagata, and snuggle in. sounds so amazing. but yeah. it's a wonderful sensation yeah, to be a little bit emo and a little bit...drunk. it helps the soul to numb itself from pain and hurt. hurt because of expectations that frankly speaking shouldn't have been there. but things happen. as it is written, "the heart is deceitful above all else". we are all a bit messed up inside, but that is the way things are. can't be helped yeah.


(i love blogging actually ,damn therapeutic). in fact it's almost as therapeutic as a spa treatment. no kidding.

good night world i guess tomorrow i will feel better.

It's been a while non

I realize I haven't been blogging for ages - I just wish my over active mind can be tamed, now it is like the raging sea, always flowing into every nook and cranny, always trying to think of new theories and all that nonsense. And of course sometimes the fear of being irrelevant and nonsensical. Blogging is extremely cathartic release I believe - keeps me sane

maybe i'm slowly slipping OUT of my depression to embrace the truths of my Christian faith and the truths of the Word of God.

as it is written, "I press on to take hold that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me...not that I'm already perfect"

the depression i guess is falling away from my soul, the evil is lleft, and Christ only remains in my soul in fellowship with me. Christ is the precious One to me living in my heart.

life is ironic - maybe it's more fun this way.

what can i say?

that's life - you be happy in your own way,
i'll be happy in mine.

unfortunately, sometimes that's life
we can't always be happy
and sometimes the problem is when
our happiness depends on circumstances

it would be so nice to just be all pure and holy and say
"our happiness comes from jesus Christ alone"
but maybe deep down in me i wish i could say that
but maybe now i can't,
oh goddamn it hurts

writing songs helps me express some of these angsty feelings
that are a product of my right brain
having a very very excitable right brain
makes me musical, yes,
but it also contributes to angsty feelings that i can't control
or feelings that i just want to take over the world
blogging is good because no one reads this blog anyway
but at least there is something for posterity
which i can then look back on and say, oh this is me,
on 3 september 2011, being an idiot
a little anal and a little, inconsiderate, to say the least
but then again these feelings are really bad
and i can't stand it sometimes
sigh

jealousy turning saints into the sea


hmms. i will release an ep soon

i am emo now.
i hate weddings.
don't think it'll be my turn anytime soon.
not in the near future anyway.

while i am happy for the couples who are going through their lives and celebrating it, makes me think, i dunno when god will make it my turn.
it seems a long long way from here.

such is my life.

and the problem is that my ocd makes it impossible for me to have meaningful relationships with other people without the fear of the obsessions striking into me the fear and anxiety. i don't know what's going on with me, i wish i did, but i don't.

I don't want pretty girls anymore.
I want Christlike ones, one with a heart of gold, that has abided in Christ for a long time such that His gentleness and patience comes through.
then i can totally be myself with that person.
(instead of being scared all the time she'll leave me for another handsomer hunk)
amen.

i really had a nice time at lcf yesterday; worshipping God in the spirit and in truth, knowing my spirit is with Jesus and safe with Him, trying to see things through the spiritual lenses rather than the earthly ones.

and then i go back to my old carnal ways.
zzz.
sorry need to rant: if that's the best your school can offer, i give up. hurhur.