Melancon T

the melancon has arrived!

melancon photos

More melancon photos!

Updates on the Melancon

Here are more photos of the Melancon:

I'm getting a new guitar built, by Gerard Melancon of Louisiana. He has impressive chops and I want to see what he's going to come up with. I've specced it with a Korina body, maple neck, rosewood board, HSH pickup configuration with split coils and parallel series configuration with a push pot to add the bridge. Should be nice. Gerard who is an awfully nice man to deal with, and a fellow Christian, sent me these photos:

Musings

How do I know if I like a girl?

I am confused, like a surge of waves that rides up and down.

I wish I could be as constant as the Northern Star

And I am worried that the fears are causing whatever buds of love or like there may be to be choked from the start

And I am struggling to recall the times we spent together. Was I in love with you? Or am I just trying my best to love you because I want to?

Wanting to love someone but not actually doing ! Ah the curse of the human condition! 

(loving someone else that I shouldn't love, like someone else's wife - now that's even worse).

It is not an easy ride. I am struggling: I am thinking what should I do? I am not myself. 

I want to be at peace with myself. 

21 February 2015

It's tough to be a single, and waiting, and  waiting for God to provide a suitable helper for me.

It's hard to trust God when I can't see anything; hard to trust God when there are no plans for my life that I can see. 

Why is it like that? 

is there really someone out there that god has in mind? 

Can I look past the here and the now and to see God's purpose for me being concrete and real?

I don't know.

Wines

It's been a nice time trying better wines these days. These are some of my favourites:

Morgeot Premier cru (chassagne-Montrachet) - full of minerals, lively, with real acidity and a long finish. Good stuff.

I really loved this Yves Cullieron Condrieu from la Petite Cote (2010). It was superb, very full bodied and rich with honey peaches and some white peppers. Delicious. 

Last but not least, a st Joseph from e guigal. this was easy to drink, full of spice and with medium tannins. 

life

Maybe I am really such a bad conversationalist - such bad company. Not fun, always judging, always moody; always worried. No wonder people don't want to be with me. No wonder I get "daoed" on whatsapp chats and all that. No wonder no one wants to ask me out. No wonder I am such a bore, a chore, a slave. I have a medical condition and that keeps me from leading a normal life. I am not persevering. 

What did I do wrong? 

It's not about me is it.

you can't cheat God.

you can cheat man and pretend to be all nice when you are a scumbag inside.

I am not a nice person not one bit; I am too self absorbed and a lover of self.

God must help me..

you can't cheat God. you can cheat the world and men but God knows your heart. it is evil Shawn ? evil.

And you know what, only God through Christ can change my heart...

Come to think about it, I was a bad boyfriend.

Not very loving, not very kind; not very all-that things. Not self-sacrificial like Christ is sacrificial.

But Christ Jesus wants to save me, the most undeserving of sinners. It's amazing. And it calls me to give up myself for the sake of others.

learn to deal with being ignored.

time heals everything, waits for everything. and love waits. in haunted attics. sorry Radiohead. I guess I feel some shivers down my spine, literally. It's kind of cool this feeling - perpetually. And sometimes it creeps on you and you want to shout it out but then you can't, because it's too strong this feeling.

Feelings are easily manipulated. You can choose but you can't run from the power of emotions.

It's okay it reminds me of Phuket last year February 2012. It was an interesting time.

The problem with my brain is that it must learn to forget - to hold on to only the good things, and to let the bad thoughts go.

I need to guard myself against the evil one - and to PUT MY HELMET OF SALVATION ON - every Single Moment.

it's not perfect - of course - but it is the will of God. life doesn't have to be perfect for you to start living.

break the link between "salvation" and good or bad times. good times doesn't mean you're saved and bad times doesn't mean you're not saved.
you're saved, in the good or bad times.

amen.

may you

if they don't reply you on whatsapp, IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE NOT YOUR MUMMY.

Stop taking those people who love you for granted, and don't try to win those people over who don't love you - you're not the orchestrator or conductor of the universe. It isn't this way.

May you, Shawn Poon's heart, love and cherish every single person on this Earth as precious and loved by God.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, not be crushed by thorns of this evil world.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, cherish others as you are cherished by God.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, be a conduit of love from God to this world.
May you, Shawn Poon's heart, love, nakedly, freely.

For it is by grace that you have been saved, not by works, so that no man may boast.

Whether we like it or not, care to admit it or not, humans have a tendency to want and love to boast. We love to blow our trumpet, to make ourselves seem more superior to someone else, to make ourselves seem more...godly, as though doing something good will enable us to earn more favour with God. For me I have to say this has been something that has plagued me quite a bit, in always trying to earn God's favour, in always trying to win him over by doing some good works or more. I guess it's partly the Singaporean culture or the Confucian nature of the patriarchs who lord it over, and then everyone tries their best to garner their favour by doing more good works in order to, you know, get into their good books. It's the same with bosses, that's why people try to curry favour with bosses, they try to win them over by being more submissive, do them more favours, etc. But GOD isn't  like that. That's living by "works". But it's useless. After all, what can men do to remove their own sin?

But the whole idea of grace is totally different from that. Grace is simply God's work, God's work. Grace is God lavishing his love upon us, our hardened souls, and giving it to us, just as we are, because He loves us . It is GOD saying i want to be with you, I want you to dwell with me forever, I want you to be with me, i want to be with you, I want you. I want to love you. I want to be with you. I want you. I want you to be with me.

It's how a husband wants his wife, to love her to cherish her and to be with her (or something like that since a mere human analogy cannot capture perfectly God's heart). And God is still with us - here with us - Emmanuel - GOD WITH US - GOD IS ALWAYS WITH US.

The problem about living by works, really, is that it's a horrible life to live. No matter what you do, if you live by works, you will always feel insecure, not good enough , etc. It's a horrible life to live, a horrible place to be, always trying to merit God's favour. NO one should ever feel that way, as though they aren't loved enough and they have to do things right in order to gain favour with God.Believe me, I was there, I was in a horrible place, due to my OCD, which emphasizes having to do the right "rituals" in order to gain favour with God. It was a tiring life, really, and it was very draining. It was very emotionally draining, because of my bad feelings which really were just a product of my OCD and not my mind and not my relationship with God. But this thorn in my flesh is something that is powerful and it seemed real. but actually it isn't. It's just a flesh wound. But then these bad feelings made me need to find assurance with God again and again and again, like a million times each day. It can be to accept him again and again and again, until I was so drained and so tired. It was a crazy life.

I went to the Crossings Church by pastor Dinesh, and the sermon really spoke to my heart. I remembered driving around little India and thinking about Jesus and He asked me to focus on Him which I did and what i was learning is that I always have these idols in my life - but hey, you know what, our hearts were made for God, and unless we have God as the centre of our life and the only thing, we will never be truly satisfied. There's a God-shaped centre in our souls which can only be filled by Him. After all, we were created by God for God. So if He created us for him, it follows that only He can fill it. Through Christ, the only way to God. But we filled it with other things, our relationships, our sex, our lust, our music, etc, and I was reminded that actually I am trying to fill up my life with things other than Jesus. Which is the most horrible thing, because who loves me more than Jesus? Who died for me? Who paid the ultimate price for me? Only Him. It was so good and I know that to be with Him is the most amazing thing, as I experienced in the past and even now and will be tomorrow. Nothing will ever change, and nothing will. Because of the faithfulness of God to me, a horrible undeserving person.

At the Crossings Church, the message was on Genesis 28:12-21, on how Jacob was a horrible son-of-a-gun who used God's name to steal a birthright, was a horrible person, and was running away from home. He was homesick. Esau was out to get him. And then he had a dream and the dream was about God, and a ladder, and angels going up and down it. And he said "surely the Lord was in this place, but i did not know it". He did not deserve one iota of God's love/grace, but God that very day came to Him, though He did not know it or deserve it. And Ps Dinesh went on to speak of how we all need God, and there's a hole in our hearts that can only be filled by God, and that nothing else really satisfies or can fill that hole that only be filled by God. I remembered crying throughout the sermon, maybe because I was just so emotionally drained, and so tired of doing things for God and trying to find God. I remembered using up about five pieces of thick tissue, and my soul was touched, definitely. And I remember being reminded of God's faithfulness, that He said that He will be with Jacob (since he was with isaac and Isaac's forefathers), will be with him, and his future (his descendants). And I was reminded of Jesus's same teachings that He told his disciples - that He will be with me to the ends of the age. And i was reminded of how the same God, who did that to Jacob, will do it for each of us, including me. And the same Jesus does not change forever.

And the reference in Genesis was later alluded to in Luke, where Jesus spoke of the vision that the angels will be descending and ascending over Him - since the difference between that and the Genesis version is that, in Genesis, it was a ladder, whereas in Luke, Jesus replaced the ladder with Himself, saying that He is the ladder, He is the way to God, and so - go to JESUS.

That's really the whole gospel isn't it? God has done everything, God's provided the ladder - Jesus - which is the only way to Him. Just go to Jesus, embrace him, receive Him. He loves you, just go and embrace and receive Him.

Jesus told me that he has chosen me. And it's HIS CHOICE. I guess in the past I always wonder whether I have truly received the Lord. but I am reminded, just, that JESUS has chosen me and received me. (Let's not go into the predestination debate, but I truly believe that Jesus chose me and the only way i received him is because He called me).

The cool bit was that I realise my that my cell group did the exact same verse too, John 1, which had that analogy as well. It was a pity i couldn't go since I was stuck in reservist. My head is spinning but I give thanks that my soul is revitalized.

the lord has come back into my life - at least that's the feeling

humdrum 1/300

I am rather drained.

Tired mentally and I believe, it's a lack of good hormones and pheromones. I believe I need far more dopamine than what is currently existing in my brain, because I am having very little highs and everything seems flat.

There are occasional moments of joy that is a result of God's faithfulness, sweet comfort, warmth, and love; but apart from that life is drudgery, a grueling mix of work and other commitments. 

My friends have, well, all kind of ran away, busy with their own things. Maybe they'd be free to meet up on weekends, I don't know - I guess work makes one very isolated - the "space between" of Dave Matthew's Band springs to mind. There's an emptiness about working these long hours - cue "The loneliness of a crane operator" (Elbow) - that makes one feel isolated. It's of course nice to go home to a loving family, a loving wife - but we all know that - in the midst of singlehood, and when family is, well, sometimes rather distant and dysfunctional, it is, perhaps, more illusion than reality.

I am trying to improve my writing, and being in a law firm has really helped quite a bit. Perhaps, trying to think rationally, and to verbalize each word before it is put down to paper or to screen. These things help. I am not, however, very fond of this keyboard - it is extremely cumbersome and fragile. Of course, these things don't really matter.

I am waiting for 6pm, but there are tons of things to clear today. Perhaps typing this out during my lunch break is cathartic, but I don't seem to have alot of friends. Most of them have forgotten me, too caught up in their own worlds. Maybe I should get attached, but getting attached for the wrong reasons, to wrong people, is far worse than not getting attached at all. Maybe I need friends, but I am too scared of getting too close to them sometimes for fear of them seeing what kind of horrible person I am.

Perhaps I need some self-reflection. I believe sleeping earlier will definitely help my psyche, which is usually sustained by the unsustainable caffeine surges and destroyed by the inevitable caffeine collapse that comes afterward, usually at about 11.30am. Then I wonder when lunchtime will come - and so when it comes, I go out to eat, and when I return - it starts again. If there's coffee, the caffeine crash will hit at around 4.30pm - it usually does. Then maybe I will go out for tea. That's tentative. But maybe it will all be normal should I sleep early.

Not having enough sleep makes me feel like a zombie. Some parts of me shut down, especially the empathy. The mechanical processes like the cognitive thought which is required for work - that's alright, it has to be done - but the love and empathy and feeling are almost completely dried up, drained. Things scare me. The fear of your boss creeping up behind you, exploding. The fear of a nasty or bad email sent your way. So maybe it's time for me to go on the aggressive - to put them in their place. The reason why people are aggressive is because they don't want to be on the defensive. It's why I sometimes like to drive my car in a reckless manner - swinging in and swinging out ala Lombard Avenue in San Francisco - to scare drivers - because I am, really, scared of them. I am afraid of accidents that's why I drive aggressively.

Aggression, to ward of the over-conscious psyche and the over-defensive psyche.

Not very healthy.

Maybe I should read www.psychologytoday.com. It is a good read, if you haven't already read. It's extremely helpful, much of it is about sex. Not very useful for me now.

I am hoping this blog can be my little version of "the Diaries of Adrian Mole"; I don't think so.

Hmm.

the feeling of alienation after a long day at work where the mind is exhausted and sleepy and tired, and the emotions even more mixed up. perhaps I'm spoilt and expect too much , perhaps. my emotions are out of whack and most of all I'm lonely . people come and go - is that to be expected ? its the feeling of alienation after a long day at work which is so irritating . it is the sianzness of feeling emotionally detached. from it all.
maybe I don't love myself enough. I always think i am a horrible person tsp I am afraid to go around people for fear of exposing to them what a horrible person I am. I think , rather than hoping for their betterment, I am more guilty of schadenfreude. I'm not happy with the way I am? but maybe too stupid to change or too stubborn to change.

but I have a hope because God loves me and has saved me already utmost utterly. And that body that is dying to be transformed may one day be transformed - if only I die to Christ daily , and again and again. a never ending process but something that must be done.

I am, joyful.

the thing about OCD is this -
I think of a horrible thought x. Let's call this "thought x".
I try to ask these thoughts to go away ... keep casting it away
but it takes a while to go and it won't go away completely - it still lingers on the back of my mind.
but in the midst of all that? the brain has labelled that thought x as the most harrowing thought - has labelled that thought x.
And sometimes as the mind has already captured that thought, it always keeps it in its subconsciousness.
Then sometimes when I am having an OCD attack and the thoughts keep racing in, my mind wanders, half-tempted to be led to thought x, but it doesn't bring relief to me - unless I decide to give up the fight and say that thought x. that's the only way to bring relief to my anxiety because my brain , always holding on that thought, is always looking forward to and holding on to that traumatic thought.
but actually doing the thought and actually meaning it - that's not good- it becomes extremely distressing ...



Gods grace is sufficient for me in my trials through my thorns.