Another v-day wasted. I sit around thinking of the good times that couples could have and wonder why I am excluded from a deeper level of relationships than just pure platonicity. I'm sure I'll have the answers somehow, however far away they might be. I guess it's nice to be single and all that, just living my life hoping for the best and trusting in Him?

I'm really tired right now, had 2 uni interviews in a row, which really drains all the energy, even more so because you're practically talking much of the time being lively and all that. but seriously people from US unis that come back often return with a more cosmopolitian view of life--the jobs that they do are often regional, like working for advertising firms or as economic consultants, they talk about the stifling environment of the Singapore system, they laugh and talk and joke, and all of that's cool. it's just different, really, and if i manage to get into a US uni and get a scholarship I'll probably understand why there's so much difference between them and us.
or is it just an imagined one?
my interviewer from dartmouth was really cool, she's an NUS lecturer, yet in the interview we ended speaking of Singapore, which was quite amazing. about how stifling this whole thing is, should women do NS? what's bad abt americans? politics. the army and regimentation, and even race--our conclusion was that Singapore's actions of encouraging racial cohesion by celebrating different cultures and diversity through the singing of racial songs etc, might even be self-defeating, because people never realise how different they are in terms of races until you start educating them about the fact that I am of a different race from my malay friends. why can't we all just be, individuals? when i was young and playing soccer with malays and all that i never really had a clue that they weren't of the same race and thus excluded them, but it seems like when we grow older and teachers start telling you that you should unite and all that, that's when you start thinking about the differences and recognise that somehow i am chinese and you are malay and never the two shall mix. but when we were young and innocent we don't think about such things. it's only adults that seem to have this racial mentality fostered from their parents telling them how, for example, calculative indians are, or how laid-back malays are.

that's interviewing. not a set of questions that should be answered off the platter, but a free-for-all anything-goes philosophy. it's just like american education, says one interviewer, you can choose any courses you like, there are no fixed parameters, which is great; it means you can do anything you want with your life (but ultimately the responsibility falls solely on your shoulders).

this is depressing when you remember i have to go back to camp later on, and be bored stiff with marching exactly the same way, wearing the same clothes (except the underwear, of course), having the beds put the same way, and marching nicely, just to give an impression of order and discipline. true discipline isn't marching the same way etc, it's about an inner control of one's life in a situation of freedom. true self-discipline can only exist when the individual is free to do what he wants, only then can he have the opportunity to control himself. if he were in a system which controls him, he is never free to exercise that self-discipline. it wouldn't be self-discipline anymore (which stems from within), but an external discipline. so what happens when we all get out of NS--will we still manage to perpetuate the discipline we learnt from NS into our normal civillian life, or does that discipline die out from the moment we walk out of camp and we then revert back to our slothful ways? i find it amazing that, at home, i'm a total lazy slouch, my pants are thrown this way and that, because my reasoning is, since i have to be so neat etc at camp, i might as well be lazy and messy now, because i wouldn't have the opportunity to be lazy and messy in camp, am i right.
sheesh, people are different, why pretend they're not?

i was in a really tired dreamy state just now, and when i woke up i had memories of really weirdish dreams. one was a situation almost like dungeos and dragons where there were little monsters running around, which was kinda mad. the other one was quite funny--it was almost apocalyptic. a sudden cold winter wind swept all around Singapore, which meant that JC students that were about to go to school just suddenly froze there in ice. so i was part of a rescue team that went all around singapore pushing people (literally) into the school and operating the heaters so that they would defrost again. i remembered being at VJC and stuffing people into this hall. but ironically i didn't go to HCJC. i was like, crap that's too far away. what a weird dream. i even remembered the overhead bridge that i used, to go to darren's house--sigh. i must be going crazy.

i want to get to know her, but it's impossibly difficult. sigh.
1. to be too enthusiastic would frighten her off and make me sound like some form of a despo.
2. to be too laid back would mean totally losing out on the opportunity of getting to know her.

if you think you are the one, haha, y don't you message me or something. sheesh. or leave a note. but i dont' think she even noes. haha. sheesh.

but today's message was really good, and today's worship also, although the drummer was a bit fast. but no matter, it's the God-communication that's important, right, rather than the earthly atmosphere which only helps to faciliate it. but ultimately worship is about communicating in Spirit, and i think that's so important. what was nice was the responsive scripture reading, which was John 15:1-17. it is so apt and so relevant, especially now, because i was just thinking of how my destiny is to worship and love God--we were created for that purpose. this purpose is not apart from who i am--worship isn't something that takes the nature of a secondary action, away from the life I live, but, rather, is my source and my goal. it is who i am, my innermost being, which loves and worships God. it is not a sideline job, it is the fundemental root of my life. and the sooner i realise this, the sooner more things would be resolved. i do not care about the useless things of life now, writing songs, eating good food, etc, but i just want to grow spiritually and communicate with Him and serve.

the image that springs to mind is of a branch of God's vine bearing fruit, having leaves. away from God, on my own, i can do nothing, i can't bear fruit, but am left to decay and die, barren and withered. there is no water, no life through my veins. i have no identity--there is no fruit that has a distinctive taste, nor do the leaves have colour: i am simply just like any other dying tree. but when I am in Christ, i have the power that comes from God (through the 'veins' of the trees, so to speak). I am somebody, I have an identity. this is so important because i sometimes feel that, to love Christ etc is to forget myself. that, to an extent, is true, but the trick is that we're not forgetting ourselves, but really we're forgetting the earthly, fleshy desires which was disguised as human nature, but now we have fulfilled our original purpose to love and worship God. we have become who we we really meant to be. we have regained our original identity. sin made us a certain way, which we thought was who we really are, but then that was only the identity of sin; who we really are is inadvertantly tied back to our relationship with God. With Him there is an identity, there is that confidence to be who I really am, again, instead of being scared about the need to find acceptance. With Him there is a new-found joy and love and the removal of the fixation with things that I thought mattered, but now I chase things that are more important.

that is why i do not find a pressing need to find girlfriends just for the sake of it. that's why sometimes I don't find the need to try out every new experience and high. because the best experience is already that of God's love for me and i have already savoured it. nothing else can compare. i can try to explain this to people who advice me to go out and seek the world, etc, but really how can they understand?

God is love.

Sigh.
I'm really tired, because I did guard duty overnight (which was quite nice--peaceful serenity is a rare occasion in the army when everything you do is with your mates; sentry duty is actually fun), and after that had SCDF combo band practice again, so I'm really shacked now.

Anyway here are just some thoughts;-

1. In Christ, you have an identity; without Him, you are nothing. you cannot exist, or even be recognised, outside of Christ. In Christ, your character is formed and imprinted.
2. We were made to serve/love/worship Christ, that is our destiny. it makes God sad when we sin because, then, we don't have a relationship with Him. It's a two way thing. I think He enjoys our company.

just two thoughts.

tomorow's uni interviews, sian man!

Am having a little break in the middle of training: i come home and my parents are arguing. how nice. because i got into the combo band (provisionally) so i get wed nites out and fri nites out (to go back for sat morn training). now that's life. sleeping in your own bed, there's nothing like it.

it's nice to be home again.

seriously the band was really good, esp the guitarist and bassist. man, so fast, zai, and cool some more. oh well. if i weren't so tired i'll talk more, about the people in the camp, etc. but now it'll just have to be, adieu.

'moon river, wider than a mile...'

Stacey's Mom has got it going on....... sheesh, this song's been in my head like every morning during camp, it's crazy man.
and i'm starting to talk like a mat, no surprise eh.

too lazy and can't be bothered to talk too much about SCDF, tho it's a real waste of time. Still, it has taught me important lessons--discipline, making my bed, trying to live for others and not for myself. Our OC was speaking about the need to live for others--in rescue operations, if one lives for oneself, one wouldn't be able to do one's job properly, for it involves sacrificing oneself for the task at hand. of course, it also has wider implications, but that's probably one of the more important things you learn, how to work as a team. making friends, having social skills, working for the same goals. after all, i'll be in there for 7 weeks, i might as well make full use of it to make friends and enjoy social companionship.

but i really hate the stupid things like putting on your helmets, marching around like dogs, and esp. sleeping at 10 and waking up at 4. that simply sucks. the good thing about army pple is that, fundementally, they're nice, they've got a basic decency and are removed from all the angsty rubbish that befalls people who happen to be more intelligent, because perhaps they enjoy the simple things betta. when i was in camp, wow, ice lemon tea tastes wonderful, maybe because i've been living on a diet of rice and funny dishes that tastes all the same.

iN NS, you always have to be on your guard, which is the really sickening part of it. you can't ever slack, you can't ever relax, except at night. it's good, mebbe, coz you feel confident, you feel like a man, but too much of it is just sickening, i guess. the balance has to be there...

yet i think in NS I sorta started to draw closer to God, coz mebbe you know, there are more obstacles and all that and i'm so lonely and depressed sometimes that all I can do is to turn to Him. i sit down alone in the night, by the window, looking at the night sky and remembering there's Someone out there waiting for me. when i miss my family, I have You O Lord. after all, You said that 'trials produce patience' and maybe NS is to that effect. NS's gotta teach me lots of things, man, according to Your will. how to trust in You when there are problems befallling me, eg. when i coudln't find a piece of paper, etc. that's really nice. thank YOu God.

maybe i write better songs too, because there's like no distraction and one can focus. at home i used to be like, wow, crap, let's watch TV, oh, let's use the PC, etc, there's no urgency to focus. but now there is a greater need to spend the time well, which makes for better usage. It's like, when i came back to home, the piano playing was much better, fundementally, even got a song just playing on e piano. after all, i only have limited opportunities to play, so i've gotta make full use of them.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!!!

So, at last, the day of fate has come. The day when I will say, as Othello did, 'Farewell the plumed troops! Farewell tranquil peace! Farewell!!' The day when I shall trade in a beloved pink IC for a life of regimentation, of discipline, of stifling: read, the death of freedom and creativity for a life of 'Yes Sir' and 'No Sir'. And I'm rather apprehensive of the possibility that fabian and I will be the only two JC trainees in Civil Defence, which I really hope is not the case. Social cohesion would be good, but I do hope it doesn't make me degenerate into a state of shouting Hokkien and more hokkien and talking in slurred 'duh' phrases. It's just the environment I guess. I don't know. I'll just be positive and look forward to it I guess. at least civil defence is not as 'siong' as the army, I heard, so hopefully it'll be good. hope i get to book out often. haha.

so tired. sleeping is absolutely essential to life. seriously. i woke up at 3 feeling good about myself again.

good night to all, and have a wonderful time. for me, alas, i shall say my pledge of allegiance with the bitterest irony, and wish the world out there a sorry good-bye.

I want to obey, Lord. To put what I say into practice in actions. I realised there's no use saying 'Oh God I'll follow you' and not actively try to be a blessing to others, to carry the cross, to follow in His footsteps every minute every second. Because there's no better time to start than now.

Having said that, I possibly might have regretted going to ChinaBlack. It was enjoyable on one hand, but i guess it wasn't worth so much money. gabby's house might have been a better bet, if i had known about it. Why? Well there were of course the prettty babes and all that, one was particularly outstanding but it seems like she's got a guy, I had fun dancing in the early parts of it, like about 11-1, especially dancing on the podium, whcih was very fun, but later on it got really sucky, especially when they played techno. Techno is the scourge of all creative clubbers. It doesn't allow for any variation in the dancing. The beat is simply too repetitive and monotonous, never flowing, only pounding. Moreover if R&B or trance/house has creative bass beats, techno's bass is a never ending stream of crotchets. which is extremely extremely boring. But because it is so simple and allows one song to be stretched over a long period of time, Djs who just wanna slack off use 'techno' as an excuse to bum around. Had 2 vodka shots, at least it was smirnoff, and dunno waht else. dunno how much i spent. but it sucked. went home dazed in a stupid cab. Too crowded, man, no space to dance.

But what was really cool was this Christian song I'm writing now. It's called 'You are the risen King' and it's nice and catchy, pretty cool. got a nice chord prog. I'm turning back tO God again. wholesome activities this time, please. and please remind me if i don't follow that. wholesome activities!!

Going in to army on Tuesday, really Not looking forward to it. losing my freedom isn't something you look forward to, is it. i'd miss civillian life. the freedom to do anything i want. out there it's a new world. but i hope it's fun in it's own way as well, i guess.

okay.\

One changes so much over a period of a year, or two, it's almost inconceivable. When you see J1s or J2s going through their homework blues et al. it just seems like a faded memory that you wonder, was I ever like that?

but of course I was. we all were. we walked through time with hearts in our mouths, fighting the woes of everyday life with fear in our soul about what destiny might do to us. Fail a test, and maybe you won't be able to get that A, which meant that you won't be able to get to a good university, and in the end, then you won't be able to get a job. How silly we all were, or at least, I was, if anyone will be too offended about generalisations. But it was true. It took so long for us to realise that, quoting Linkin Park, of all people, 'it doesnt' even matter'. These things were just minute, trite, obstacles along our way of life, and they had to obscure the things that were truly important. For all those out there fighting for their lives against the dreaded 'As', they'll pass by quite soon, just do your best and pray and you'll realise it passes by very fast, the two years.

Sat night was brilliant, I can tell you. the sounds of music, praying to God and writing jazzy love songs. didn't sleep much until four, but it was worth it. i can't particularly recall the experience, although i knew it was absolutely splendid.

Today was just as exhilarating. jamming the whole day, from like 12 to 9. went through all those old songs like 'closing time', 'if you could only see'. we're having a little gig for the ac pple i think. not sure. maybe friday night, just to have a little 'wala-wala at darrren's', coz you know, im going to army, and they're out? dunno, we'll see abt it. but it was fun, singing all these old songs and being totally in rhythm with the drums and the strumming and the beat just carrying you along. the telecaster's brilliant, i can tell you. you can do all the broken-chords on the upper frets and it sounds really nicely chiming, or you can do the 'chi-ka-chak chak chak' strum rhythms on the upper strings and it sounds really rhythmic and nicely smooth. or you can play low, power chords, and it still sounds very fresh and smooth, and very in-tune, not muddy at all, courtesy of the single-coils. or you can even solo easily. just turning off the highs will do it. the neck is thin enough to be comfortable. nice group. isaac was great, he knew all the old songs~! the freshman! wow. okay....i'm going high now, was high just now. but i'm really tired. waht to do? haha. =D

all the army boys are coming out, hope they're fine....

happy chinese new year to all!


and i must recommend all to try hoegaarden's wheat beer, because it's just a brilliant mix. it's smooth and lightly tinged with a bit of fruit with a very nice aftertaste. much betta than silly heinieken or lousy tiger. hmph. those are just plain rubbish. so plain! no roundedness!

thank God for that. (jamming....of course)

the columnist's been at work. so please check. ty.

Remind me to post the dream up here. it was simply surreal.

And trust Westlife to cover yet another song, Barry Manilow's 'Mandy'....'you came and you gave without taking...'. When I heard that song with its distinctive I--- VI--IV-- V---- progression, I was like, man, Westlife's finally got a great song going eh? it was so oldie 70 soft-rock, trust them to do that!
I should've known better! Of course it was soft-rock, because it was originally Manilow's! To think I was so stupid to expect such great things out of Westlife. hah.

Quite sad now. oh mannnn come on girl...

Today (Friday) has been one of the best days of this hols after a long time. it was just wonderfullish.
--
anyway, ...
Gangwei's new song is really good. ask me to send it to you if you see me online. it's called 'limbo', it's nicely jazzy but very post-modern as well. man it's absolutely radioheadish.

until i get writer's block.

i couldn't sleep wed night. just had jay chou in my head all day long, trying to write a song, trying to think, trying to feel, and breathe. but it wasn't coming. there's something about your 'superego' that criticises you all the time, saying 'this is lousy' or 'this is from that so-and-so song' and all that that in the end, you end up with nothing, in terms of material. it's really damn irritating. that's the problem about thinking too much. it's great to think, but when you get to a point where everything seems to be derived from everything else, and when everything's just notes, it's a crazy mad world then. hooks are organic!

i made a commitment to live for God again, not for pleasure or for music or for fun, so help me God to live for that, for You.

met amanda yesterday, talked a bit. she'S all pinkish and maddish. haha. went to chinatown to eat, food street. great stuff. esplanade later on to write songs and sing-along. didn't get anything done, but it was nice just walking around looking at all the lovebirds with darren.

i just decided to turn to God. to turn to Him. to turn wholly to Him. Seek Ye first and the rest will be added unto you as well. it's so simple, why couldn't i grasp it? why? i've been away for too long. i've forgotten all the times in school when praying and loving and hoping and then giving thanks produced a much better life, and a much better outcome than simply living a life of mindless, meaningless day-to-day seeking of pleasure. things work out better. songs get written. conversations flow much more easily. everything is more beautiful because God is there with me. not just in the background, but there. ask, and then pray, and give thanks, sense where He's leading me.

that's the thought for the day. haha. ac days. (oh nvm).

shopped with nic, jing, mel today. pretty fun. first time i'm out with so many girls, eh. went to buy some clothes (girl's clothes, of course, for them, not for me). ate at scotts. played pool at mambo, man. i realised why my pool sucked so bad the last time. it's because of the grip! hold the cue with the whole hand, not just two fingers! the whole hand! let it caress there! yesh!!! okay nvm i realised that and whacked nic like 4 balls or something, it's great! yeah! jolene never recognises me now, idiot. she probably thinks i'm wen en or osmething. haha what a dunce+) oops. now all the ac guys are going to kill me but who cares, they're in army and i'll be in scdf. haha.

but today was fun. went to this little cool cafe called the cafe at taka, it was really nice. with nice seats and nice coffee, though it was a bit bland. but it was very fun. shopping at tang's, especially, and wisma.
But no, it was the crowd. it was a nice company. nice to see nic again, coz she's so confident so you can just bitch and tease and talk and banter without being afraid she'll be sensitve and stuff. and jing's a good talker esp when it comes to fashion. man what's a graphic tee. haha. mel's the usual softie, esp when it comes to teasing her abt you know who. haha. what a nice crowd. =) so cool.

and besides, i'm setting up a new side-column for my regular columns, for those who're too sick of listening to my life story.

I am undergoing writer's block now. Just can't get a song done. wanna do some jazz.

on this comments board, if you've ever heard my songs, just post which one you consider to be your favourite. if u haven't listened to any, then don't reply. thanks.

Man I'm in limbo now. after the fun, the partying, the heyday of last week, this week just fades into oblivion, into a mess of disjointed thoughts, loneliness, awkward feelings, stress, not being myself, and all the useless emotions that come and go. I just felt so lonely. everyone's away now, darren in hongkong, ben with his girl (haha), the ac pple in bintan, left to hang out with my classmates. haha. its not a bad thing but then where are all my usual go-out-mates? sheesh. havent' got a single sms this week (not so bad but nearly there). lonely. sigh. feel like crying to some melancholy song like 'im a creep' or something like that.

girls if you want to go out then just tell me okay. sheesh. i promise your outing will be fun (haha).

okay that's quite a high expectation to reach. okay. let me rephrase that. i will promise i'll try my best to make your outing fun.

okay that sounds betta.

but before anyone thinks i'm a buaya, it's purely platonic. tyvm.

been playing lots of tennis, mahjong, pool. the things to keep me going. mahjong was fun. tennis, started getting my forehand stroke back. i realised it's because i'm not holding the racquet right at the end, so i can't get the usual topspin. pool was damn off against benny boy but mebbe because i've been drinking alot of hoegarden before that.

man.
i'm just off right now. this whole week. so if anyone asks me why i'm like that, it's just, like that. just off.

and i was pissed cuz blogger was down for quite some time.
so i've been playing simcity. pretty fun.
-----
you know, God, I have to trust in You, because You know perfectly...I just can't doubt and rely on my own strength--You know better. I shouldn't think that I'm wasting Your time by praying about every single thing because maybe that's what You want me to do? To count on You for everything and not try to fight on my own? To simply trust? and hope? and not doubt so much that You'll get it right?
Now all I have to do is to honestly say that prayer.

REM truly rocks.
they are a wonderful, wonderful band. i don't have to say anymore.
essential listening
losing my religion. everybody hurts. it's the end of the world (as we know it). man on the moon. imitation of life. radio free europe.

i mean. they're classic songs.

RHCP rocks too.
under the bridge. by the way. give it away.

Other interesting old songs

Verve Pipe-The Freshman

im going to put up a comments system again. about time, too.

Today was such an eventful day, even though I didn’t have enough sleep. Doesn’t matter any how. I’d get some later.

Today’s posting is about emotions, and my pet subject, music. It’s a lot of convulated thoughts but they somehow link.

I felt funnily emotional today, almost in a quaint way. Fond memories and a falling-leaves melancholy. It would be nice to have your life divided into two: the happy times when you go out and have fun and are so crazy and all that, and the times when you reminiscence about those happy times in a comforting melancholy and with fond memory. Oh, just to add a bit of that anger to spice up your life some time. But that would be real nice. It was that second stage I was talking about today as I listened to a really old song on the radio yesterday called ‘freshman’, the one that goes ‘we were only freshman’…. Yes that’s my secondary school days. It was, so quaint. The lyrics and all. About your college days. I wonder what I would say next time when I grow up and look back at my JC life. Man, we were only freshman. So sweet. Just so touching and warm, to leave me with a smile on my face.
Then later on I switched on the MTV and, hey presto, it was the red hot peppers concert live, and it was nice listening to ‘under the bridge’ and ‘californication’, my word flea is such a fantastic bass player. But it peaked up real well later on with ‘REM’. ‘Losing my religion’ was fantastic as usual, ‘Imitation of life’ the same—Oh incidentally I was bouncing up and down with my telecaster (hoping the strap won’t fall off) to Imitation of life, yelling at the top of my lungs ‘that’s sugar cane that tasted good’ and dancing around in circles, jumping up and down in circles. So cool. (I think I’m getting better as a rhythm guitarist.)….’everybody hurts’ was comforting—that’s the kind of comforting melancholy I was talking about, where you know, everyone knows it’s tough, you get through it, you look back and you smile at the old times…. But the last song of the set actually made me cry. You know, it was just so melancholic, but yet so comforting. Optimistic melancholy. That’s what it’s about. Man I just have to write songs like that. The song
And it was so striking because life never is the same, people move on, moments disappear and they end, feelings, there is never a wrinkle in time which remains constant. But yet he (stipe) ‘feels fine’, he’s got optimism to face the day, he’s confident. For me there’s God. But yeah. It’s wonderful. REM’s songs are so optimistic. That’s really great. I can’t believe I’m actually PCing the thing but man it just hit me straight in the face. Man.
You know, I don’t know what’s gonna happen when all these great songs disappear from the memories of kids these days. Nowadays it’s just the dumbing down of pop. It’s all about, oh, getting laid, with girls, getting laid by boys, love, broken hearted love, oh I want this girl, that girl, that girl, ‘shake that thing’….just appealing to one’s primal emotions. Nothing intelligent. Nothing ever subtle. The songs just rage and rage and rage. Anger. Fear. The only happy times are when you s**** a girl. After that it’s just rage and more rage. Man what’s wrong with them. It seems that people are just animals these days, maybe a more apt song would be cranberries’ ‘the animal instinct’.
Last time it was all about love lost. Those jazz songs, followed by sick r&b. at least it got better later on with some intelligent music, aka beatles, bob Dylan, so on, and later on through Mitchell, REM, etc. but now you’re going back to a dumbing down of pop. Kurt Cobain and all that at least had some lyrics.
YEAH MAN IT’S THE ANIMAL INSTINCTS IN ALL THESE IDIOTS.

I hail Black Eyed Peas’ ‘WHERE IS THE LOVE’. At least it actually SAYS something. That’s great. And it’s the number one song last year in Singapore so well done guys. At least it wasn’t some rubbish.
And I dread the day when all kids would be listening to is Evanescence and Britney and Christina. Man.

Sigh.

Here are the lyrics to ‘the end of the world’

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and
snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid.
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world
serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed
it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, Ladder
start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire
in a fire, representing seven games, a government
for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in
a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team
by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped.
Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh,
overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save
yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs,
listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and
the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic,
patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty
psyched.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign
towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself
churn. Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood
letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate.
Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down.
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no
fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament,
tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions,
offer me alternatives and I decline.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
The other night I dreamt of knives, continental
drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard
Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester
Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You
symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel
fine...fine...


even if the song was about the information age, the chorus has a much deeper implication man.

Sigh I feel like someone with PMS. i was having so much fun today but i'm kinda bitter now, i wonder why.
went out with adriel mel yujing not bad went to bakers inn for a nice chicken mushroom pie, chocolatey dessert, watched school of rock, and all that, but it was fun playing pool later. hit some really nice shots man...wah on form. there was one ultra thin cut, a smooth long into the corner, a blind shot, man....which went in cause of the english i put in...haha felt good. i think its just the specs, being in a nice comfy position.
some pool tips. haha. fancy me giving them. i think when you play 8 ball positioning is not such a crucial thing, unless u get to the end. because at the start if the break is nice u have so many shots to hit anywae. of course if the break is lousy then it counts. the more important thing at the start is, potting.
1. POTTING.
Potting is one thing that is crucial, if you cant' shoot you can't play pool. there being so many ways to aim, for me personally i imagine a line from my cue stick, to the center of the cue ball (if not using english), to the part of the object ball just directly behind the hole. okay pool players will know what i'm talking abt. then just stroke nicely into the line. other pple have different ways. but anything goes so long as it goes in, right. the thing about potting is, i see people not looking at the hole they wanna pot the ball in. if you don't look at the hole AT ALL, how are u ever gonna pot it? look at the hole!
and also, for some of the shots english would help the ball cut even more. hitting the ball right of center would make balls cut left even more and vice versa. so that's important in hitting all the funny shots, the extreme cuts.
2. TACTICAL PLAY
Sometimes it's just percentage play. that's something i learnt over the years. it's not about trying to pot all the balls. at the end sometimes it's about preventing the person from potting. so the trick sometimes is to snook them, to put the ball in places where it's really damn hard to actually do anything, even touching their ball is difficult. when its impossible to do so then position the cue ball in places where aiming is hard, or they can't do anything....a good trick if the ball is in the center of the table breadthwise at one end, then put the cue ball on the other side of the table. it's almost impossible to pot it without a risky bank, and if the guy isn't too skilful anything he tries will inevitably end up with the cue ball scratching. thats what happened to me! oh i actually potted the ball, i wasn't THAT loser. haha. so put the balls on the opposite end. or when the cut is very difficult. extreme cuts. or just directly opposite it facing the cushion, if you get what i mean.

and she never told me!!! idiot!

ui noe one of the irritating things is when people take me for granted. im announcing to the whole world, okay, I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS. ok not that many but sufficient to find people to go out with. So if i ask you out for anything (pool, lunches, movies, etc) it's not outta desperation so you pls dont' treat me like dirt, because the next time, then you're not going to get asked. (this is just a rant to anyone. not to anyone in particular, i just feel quite dissed sometimes abt the way i'm treated). i mean, people just happily come up and suan me, say things like 'oh you think you're cool now ah' and all that, damn irritating. i mean, if pple wanna say these things to make themselves feel betta, then for goodness' sakes don't use me, man! it's stupid and crazy! go find someone you can use!

haha.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

I am back from a hefty one and a half week illness, which means tongues can start wagging and you can start shaking your legs at home reading my blog. If you actually consider it much to read. I do, I wonder about you. Firstly, I would like to say, Happy New Year to all, it’s two-thousand and four. You noticed it rhymes. Well I’m a softie for stupid rhymes. Who cares. Me. I had a lot of fun last night at wen en’s party (another rhyme) but that’s for later. Today’s posting is called RANTS AND RAVES because that’s what it is, rants and raves. If you think I’m going to post you lists of ‘what is great’ and ‘what’s not’ you’re utterly mistaken. I’m not being disrespectful but, hey, it’s my blog!

RANTS AND RAVES

Bah Humbug. What happened to that fiery firebrand I had once been? Where has my intellect gone, where has my mind been all this while? Crap man, the Singaporean Education system softens you up like a Meat Tenderiser, complete with plugs and what not. I remembered in Secondary School being an angsty young punk and now I’m listening to Travis and looking at the stars in the sky and how they shine for you and all the flowers in the window and all the lovely feelings and the lovely experiences I have had, as though I were 45! And to think I’m only 18! Man what’s happened to me?

You might like to know that this is RANTS because that’s obviously what I’m doing.

Which brings me on to the movie Mona Lisa Smile. Ironically that movie highlights a lot of things I want to talk about today. I can empathize fully with Julia Roberts in trying to fight that stupid notion that people should just stay in their place, know their rights and shut their mouth. What ever happened to the belief that people should utilize fully the God-given talents God so graciously bestowed them? People have this strange notion of thinking that, if you do something, it means God can’t do it, you’re taking over the role of God. I think a more correct idea would be, God needs you to do something, God works through you, so that in the end His job is done. If you don’t do it, who’s going to do it? If Paul didn’t want to spread the gospel to the people in Asia etc, where would we be today? It’s not substitutional, but you just have got to pray more then.
Hmmph. Oh. Another thing. Worry. Fear. That’s the most stupid 2 things you can ever find in the dictionary, or in your life. Worry sucks your brain cells out of you. It displaces them into worrying, instead of doing the task that you have got at hand, or you want to do. We only have a limited capacity of brain cells, and if all of the brain cells are used up by, guess what, worrying, then where are the brain cells left to be DOING the actual thing? If I wanted to write a song and kept on worrying about my failures as a songwriter, where are the brain cells to actually think of how the song’s gonna progress? Where are the peaks and troughs? Where are all of that? No, I would be, oh, just, eh, worrying. If I wanted to do Math, (which actually can be fun if you know how to do it), and keep worrying about the difficulty of actually doing Math, you might as well stick your head up your pillow and hope that the answer falls on your table or something. Oh if you had your head up in the pillow you won’t even notice the answer. I’m sorry.
You realize I’m just RANTING about every single thing. I’m sorry, but I haven’t blogged for some time. I’ll get you updated with some good stuff later on.
The other thing is the silly notion that everything is inherited from birth, you either have it or you don’t. What a dumb thought! People in RJC are especially prone to it. They think intelligence is given straight at birth and if you have it, great, if not, sucks to you (like sucks to your ass-mar). But it’s a crazy idea. Studies have shown that intelligence actually develops over time, rather than being wholly determined from the time you came out of your mum’s womb. In my experience that’s quite true. People at the party were saying, oh so musical. Okay I thank all the people for saying that, it’s wonderful, I thank God for it, but well it wasn’t like that very very long ago, I think. Well I probably was musical but not THAT musical. Well I wasn’t tone deaf, surely, but I couldn’t tell you what key a song was being played in, or what notes were sounded, I didn’t have perfect pitch. I still don’t really have that today, though I can tell you what C is, I think. Most of the time I wake up with a C major stuck in me head, but that’s another story. Yes. I wasn’t tone deaf, but I wasn’t that musical. But then you experiment. I remembered in primary school sitting on the piano after my usual practice sessions playing with chords and trying to play tunes and all that, into secondary school I still wasn’t very good, I still didn’t learn all the funny chords. But then you learn. And then you improve. And then you grow, you live, you learn (Alanis yah yah). And slowly you become a good pianist, a better pianist, an even-better pianist. I hesitate to use the word ‘great pianist’ because that’s not true, and maybe I’d offend Rachmaninoff. You learn new things all the time.
It’s the same with Songwriting. When I look at the songs I wrote in 1998 or something, I’d just laugh. They were silly, immature, uninsightful, uninspired pieces of rubbish. I won’t even call them ‘songs’. They had lyrics like ‘A cesspool, a cesspool, a cesspool, BETRAYAL! BETRAYAL! BETRAYAL!’ (sounds like a riot act). Yes, and the music was real rubbish as well. But then you pick up the pieces and the mistakes and start again, and you learn and become better at what you do. And so after writing more and more and listening to more and more and exposing to more and more I began writing better songs, and now it’s much easier to write. Last time I didn’t have music running through my head that clearly or that nicely, but then you learn, and then you grow. More about songwriting later.
I’m trying to inspire those people (IRONIC, IRONIC IRONIC) who are self-defeated suckers and think, OH CRAP I CAN’T PLAY MUSIC, OH NO, HOW?? I DON’T HAVE THE TALENT! I DON’T HAVE THE GIFTS!? Oh don’t be silly, come on, wake up! Got a piano? Oh that’s good. Then start to play some songs. Learn the basic chords okay I can teach you it ain’t that hard, and soon you’d get better and better. It’s the same with everything, actually.
More RANTING. The problem with the Singaporean education system is its nanny-like mentality. A lot of things can be taught by pure guidance, but some things require one to go and find out for oneself. It’s called ‘pure loving neglect’. Somehow through neglect people grow, people get stronger. Of course you don’t’ go over the edge, but how are you going to grow if you can’t get off that NEST you’re going to remain a NESTLING you big BIRD NESTLING!!!

Let’s have some RAVE, SHALL WE. It’s awfully stifling just ranting on about my life.

CALM DOWN, GET A SIP OF WATER, YES…BREATHE… (I am literally talking to myself as I write this blog. It’s pretty damn good fun. coz my parents won’t let me out to play pool but this is as good as it gets)

Okay, here goes.

Okay so I was sick, and so I got well. Well done to me. I hope I don’t fall sick again. I was at Wen En’s house yesterday having new year countdown party, and it was quite a fun experience. Okay the crowd wasn’t that great, the food was okay a misnomer, but the whole thing was not bad. The people made it so. It was quite a funny mix, compromising mainly the humanities people from 1c and a few from 1a, while 1b was represented only by cuifen, colin and mel, while Darren and the ac geps came over to party also, along with some j1s. so you now know why it was a weird mix. I basically floated my way from the humans people at the mahjong table to the talking ac pple (though I refused to go swimming) to talk to mel and adriel sometimes and back again to mahjong. Well, mahjong is addictive. It’s good for conversations and parties but somehow you never get past the topic of mahjong, DUH. All you hear are ‘PONGS’ and ‘jias’ and, my famous, ‘eh what’s the wind?’ okay I never get the wind. Stupid things. So we stayed over and all that. The interesting part of the conversation was with the ac pple about how things were going, which eventually strayed, inevitably, to the topic of girls.
Slept at six, woke up at nine. okay still not dead, yet. I hasten to add.
The wonderful thing about Wen En’s party, was, well, the house. It’s damn nice. I walked in, and I thought it was some hotel or something, honestly. They had lights positioned in all the nice locations so it was really lovely, and the first thing you notice is the garage with 2 ferarris, a mercs, and a family car, and the architecture is so Zen and spaciously airy, almost minimalist. The ceilings are high which lends to that air in a nice tone of white. Walking in, it felt like a museum. The living room was nicely done, there were 2 dining rooms with black tables that felt almost like eating at a posh Jap restaurant, although the food wasn’t that posh but never mind. The drinks were nice. Had tequila orange, vodka lime (the real thing, not sprite like they give you in bars), kilkenny and Hoegarden beer. The hoegarden was just wonderful. It’s lovely stuff, with a nice aftertaste and an almost creamy texture.
But the two highlights of the house were the lovely lounge and the patio outside, although his room was quite nice too. The lounge featured as a highlight a wonderful piano (it’s $27000 bucks apparently) that sounded really in tune (of course) compared to mine, the keys were nice to play, and your fingers just glide over the ivories. It was just fun entertaining people on the piano, eh playing ‘somebody to watch over me’ for jireh to sing, the ‘la vie en rose’, the ‘shawn song’ got its premiere too, in front of Debbie and anna to ‘so cute ah’ okay I hope brown thinks so (they incidentally couldn’t’ receive the midi however, I’d betta send it to them), just playing jazz and all that. Random notes that seemed like something. Haha. I have a knack for that. I was trying to write a jazz tune actually, been trying for days. Ok so I haven’t really added any new tunes but it was just fun being in the lounge. We needed some martinis to go along, dim the lights. Perfect atmosphere. Debbie and anna were having a riot with jireh on the sofa-bed okay that sounded bad they were actually, really, just talking. The other nice spot was the patio. From there you could see the lovely coconut trees in a very nice al-fresco setting, to see the stars, the pool in its glistening glory, and it was nice just lounging over there to wait for romantic juices to flow, and music to enter your mind. It was nice just, being, there. I think next time if his house weren’t so deep in I’d come over to write songs. It’s just the best atmosphere to do so, man. Just the kinda stuff you’d need to get the ultimate romantic, emotional mood.
Oh well. Just going to talk about songwriting as the last kink in my ‘RAVE’. HAHA. IT’S FINALLY OVER. I think I’ve sorta grown up thinking songwriting was this ‘aura-filled’ thing when the song will just slip into your mind and you’ll write it down and all that. Bull. So easy? Haha. Think again. Actually it’s more like a working process. Think of issues, write them down, and think of lyrics, think of tunes, start singing them in your head, and sooner or later you’ll get a good one, albeit with the split-second delay of your mind that comes with inspiration — you become unconscious of your creating. That’s when you know you’ve got a song. ‘Autumn’ was written with sweat and tears. Seriously. Many many revisions. The latest jazz piece is also going to be written with a craftsman’s rigour, with highs and lows, troughs and valleys, quickening and dimming. Real emotions. Because that’s what counts. It was really cool today coz I just sat around, strummed some guitars, thought of an issue, and boom I got like 5 different choruses, some of which are sucky but some of which are quite alright. Just like that. It’s a rigourous thing, not just a ‘sit and wait till the skies fall with song’ thing. Just like playing the piano is. So that’s my new year’s resolution change. I’m going to search for them rather than wait for them to fall.

You see, my fire’s gone, when it was still raging just now. It’s all your fault. Hah.

Already, three people have opiniated that 'christmas don't seem like christmas', and I totally agree. make that four, then.

Christmas is about God, but somehow it just seems like it's about yourself. it should be about fellowship and togetherness, not about busy schedules and work, and buying presents and cards. it should be happy. maybe it's because we've lost the need for good times, having finihsed the As and when everyday is a holiday. or maybe, more pertinently, it's because we're too caught up in our lives and fail to see the needs of others that we're in this funk. mebbe coz we're jaded. as a little kid i used to look forward to christmas, making the tree and all that. now it's just, a mess.

i'm staying at home now with the stupid flu, and it seems like my mobile phone is the only link between me and the outside world. at some parts it's nice, i'm relaxed, happy, and just in limbo, but at sometimes its plain torture, writhing on my bed in sheer pain. still, it's better that my life is simple and unadorned. i can sometimes breathe the fresh air again.

Somehow it doesn't feel like Christmas. I don't know what, but it doesn't. The spirit isn't right somehow? it's become a chore, become mundane. the spirit's lost. Sigh. God why...i just have to relax, right, and give it all away. tis betta to give then to receive, possibly.

Anyway. i echo debbie's feelings in saying that everyone should watch 'love me if you dare', because it is just a brilliant show. it's funny while carrying undertones of despair and overtones of love, 2 lovers doing everything but what they were destined for. is love a game? go catch it before it leaves. la vie en rose. haha. i watched it yesterday morning, bad time too...shld catch it again in a more emotional time.

service was okay...played electric...got to whack the distortion for a bit...a few chords. haha. was pretty good i think....we were quite tight. but the church piano desperately needs retuning. it's so OUT! and that means when u tune to an E, the As and all the rest are off, coz they aren't even in the right intervals. so how? sheesh. dilemna. if i tune to the keyboard and all that it'll be in tune, but then off with piano, and vice versa. jialat means that even if the whole band is in tune, the piano combined with it just makes it bad-sounding, since it only takes one instrument to be off. carolling was fun but very tiring. i realy wanted to go sam's place. but ah well. not nice. anger management was cock. playing 'O Holy night' on the piano wasn't. it was a whole lot of fun. finger gymnastics, they call it. seriously (Don't tell anyone) it's just arpeggios, going up and down, how difficult can it get? hehs.

i just woke up, at 3 more precisely....

I've been blogging so much, maybe because sickness has induced me to write. It's rather asinine, i believe, putting up words on a blog and trying to form an impression on others. it's lame. maybe a blog's just a way for me to collate my thoughts and trace their developments.

so what do i start off with? the most inane thing ever, dreams.

the funny thing about dreams is, they're sometimes so incoherent and so stupid. today's dream was about going back to ACSI as a student, can u imagine it, after JC life. it was so crazy because at that point in time we had literature, and ms mervlyn goh was asking us to analyse some poem. u noe, i think it was 'odysssey'. i don't remember having read such a poem before, let's just say i made it up. and someone else gave a rather good description of the first line, how God is 'I' and how men is '____(there's af unny word there I can't remember what)' and it was like, wow wow i couldn't think of that. and later on people were saying, wah RJ humans, how cum u can't do this stupid PC thing? so i just htought of some odd pt and it sounded so cheem everyone went ohhh ya but then i din even noe what the hell i was talking abt.

yesterday was a brillliant day for shopping. the streets teemed with people, balloons floated in the air, it was almost like party in the park. the stretch outside of lido/wheelock place was especally nice, all the way until taka...that junction, with its graceful trees and tall buildings flanking the road, reminded me of, well, maybe sydney or something...whatever it is, it wasn't ang moh kio.

Crap I hate being sick, i missed basketball for some good food. stupid right. Pete's place on sat was truly superb. wonderful, good food...the lamb was brilliant, so was the tiramisu. wala wala was great...it was nice cuz they played 'creep', and suddenly cut in with the opening chords of 'plush', and you knew it was going to be one good evening. the tequila sunrise wasn't bad at all, actually. 'walk like an egyptian', 'zombie', all first rate...the guitarist is really cool, and so was sherlyn (is that her name). sunday's food was brilliant also, BBQ, with great lamb and wonderful beef prepared by the pple at les amis. justin quek was there, i shaked his hand! haha okay nvm. friend of friend. but i think i ate too much ice cream and nuts, and this is the end result. asthma and coughing. wheezing. can't play basketball. what a ultimate b****/shame.

but i had nice dreams. well, you're bound to have them if u sleep like until 2 o'clock.

this is what i remember...
1. circle games: murderrer! (there wre 2 circles, wif C and C in them...haha)
2. going o kevin's house! (i dunno i distinctively remember a staircase)
3. going to bangkok (yet in the map it suspiciously looked like singapore)
the map actually looked like the singapore map...there were 2 beaches on the left and right side south (like west coast park and east coast park) but at the bottom (south) there was this whole patch of shopping area, and in the north-center there was the industrial estate which was all mouldy and smelly and no one goes there...it was funny, coz i was wondering where the sea would be. haha. i remembered travesting across the place in my buggy from one beach to the other, hopping over hills. haha.
4. being in an imaginary city, owning a small strip of it--> like an independent Monaco. yet we were losing money...there weren't any institutions, no police, no nothing, no schools....lots of shops, but no one was buying...there was just a long strip of shops (one part was air conditioned) and the other was not, and like people were moving their houses (its a dream remember) from an island to our land, becoz they wanted to be with us. it started out well, then fizzled out...we created banks. think that might help. it was funny when we created banks, yeah. we were purged by the mainland. sounds like taiwan. haha.

crap SATII wasn't fantastic, so how? never mind, hope the essays can salvage it. got 750 for writing and 660 for world history (not very smart to do world history, science students have it so much easier).

I am searching through blogger now to look for things to write about. Am thinking of 'self-identity' and an exploration of that concept with regards to my life as an issue. perhaps i might do that after all.

So tired. yesterday was a real busy day, had bball in the morning, a jam session in ws's house in the afternoon plus computer and lunches and hot dogs and fun, and a farewell for good ol' Mr Reeves at night at Bakers' Inn...great desserts and food, a bit of coffee and all that. so yah, great stuff. but i'm so tired now just woke up.

speaking of waking up, i dreamt of X. but then X just didn't look me in the eye. sounds familiar? haha. dreamt about a church stayover with mates, and alot of other things. but it just felt odd.

sheesh, it's not meant to be. haha.

CrAP, I keep spending so much money it's incredible. how do i live like that. gee. i'm spending on average 15 a day, and it's not even halfway through the week yet. plus i'm watching LOTR today and sigh i wonder how. gotta find some not-so-expensive activities.
haha gabriel if u're reading this u owe me FOOD. haha.=D (of course i can't get it from you if u're in melbourne rite....hee)
yes. like. not so expensive things like jamming or playing bball or mahjong or playing PS2...all these things are fun but are cheap. MC=0 (for the econs nuts). so yah. i probably can/should do more of those. playing pool and the works only leaves me with a gaping hole in my wallet, so i should probably cut down.

The more I look at friendster, the more I think it's stupid. it was nice at the start when everyone was saying nice things in their testimonials to everyone, but now it's cookie-cutter, you might as well cut and paste. it was refreshing at the start becoz friendster enabled pple to be positive, when there's so much rubbish going on in the world--testimonials were nice. but lately it has come to a stage when being nice is plain boring. I admire and applaud those who have decided to eschew their 'oh, she's so nice, she's so pretty, she's so..'UGH!!!! testimonials for something with a bit more meaning, like, 'she'd make a good rock star, i can imagine her pouting in front of the cameras'. Testimonials with a bit more definition to them, because right now i can faintly stand to read another one. of course everyone knows she's nice, cool, and all that, but it's retarded to keep saying it, like a broken record disk over and over again.

the thing is, one has to be one's own person, being unafraid to express one's own views and exude one's own personality. any other way is rubbish.

Nice good day had fun watched ELF
am singing those ELF songs

hear those sleigh bells tinkering
_____ too...
come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together
WITH YOO

outside the snow is falling and friends are calling you TOO
Come on its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with YOO

too bad in singapore we don't have any snow, hah.

SANTA CALUSE IS COMING TO TOWN! U BETTA WATCH OUT!!!! DON'T BE NOTTI!!!

oh crap. i want some snow. sheesh. i'd love to throw snowballs like i was firing bullets, BAM BAM BAM.

SHEESH. IT'S NICE NOT TO TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY. IT'S NICE TO HAVE FUN AND BE WILD AND JUST, EH, CRAP. BE CRAP.

Anyone want a tickle-fight?


err?

anyone?

u can icq me


...

haha.

i guess not.


On a more serious note I'm opening up another blog as a column for me to write things that wouldn't bore you guys. if there's anyone out there reading, actually.

and playing the piano sucks. the keys are all OUTTA TUNE! grr. (okay because of all that equal temparement rubbish, but i won't bore u guys) it spoils my ears.


I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A SOCIAL ANIMAL, RAWWWRRR=)

seriously, empathy is the best thing you can give to anyone. just to understand them makes life a whole lot easier....

People, what do you think about clubbing? i think the people who are often opposed to clubbing are the ones that hardly ever club, DUH. but it's not just that. when they don't go clubbing they assume that all girls and guys do is to touch here touch there. okay that might be true in some cases, but that's not the status quo, and need not be. girls and guys can decide what their limits are, and whether or not they want to lose control of their morals through drinking. people who can control their alcohol often find clubbing just a friendly activity of dancing and having fun, rather than just puking all over the place. it's not as if it's the house of sin where you just wanna get laid. in fact going with your friends, its a rather harmless activiitty. you dance in a circle, for instance, or just dance one to one with your friends and it gets really funny sometimes. all that moralising about how it's the house of sin and all that vice and all that is rather nonsensical. yes there are risks, but everywhere there are risks. the clutch is to control yourself no matter where you are, mebbe you can pray about it, haha, and go with friends, and go to parties where you know people, for eg. indus3 (after prom), so that at least there wouldn't be problems and fights and all that rubbish. and if you do all that it should be fine, of course. and please for goodness sakes' don't drink so much,....

I'm so happy, I just tuned my guitar perfectly in tune (Which is rather rare) and i realised that my ears are getting better again, without the stupid tuner, and i wrote 2 songs! 'simplify your life' which is just a ripoff from the stanford essay and needs new lyrics and a title, and another faster one about how life is so boring...quite a good pub song, mebbe coz i just got back from wala-wala, yah. 2 guitarists/singers, not bad.

yaks. still got a stanford essay to complete...

yesterday was supremely fun. i slept till 2 o'clock, and jeremy asked me to darren's at four, and basically throughout I wasn't thinking at all. i think it's fun not to think. it's much nicer, and there's less pressure on you to be something, you can just be yourself and soak up the cool and stuff. music flows more nicely into your head when you aren't thinking so much and aren't frustrated about life. it's like, you just stare into the space and wonder how nice the stars are, and the moon, and the simple pleasures of life. and all the fun. playing pool was cool, i was just potting the balls with consumate ease, 2 great banks that went across the tables that was truly rather fortunate (with God's eyes, perhaps, haha) and one cut from one end of the table along the cushion to the corner pocket which was cool.....i don't know, i thinnk my stance has improved, it used to be rather awkward but now at least my feet are closer together, like a snooker player would stand.

quiet time was good too, thank God. aiya.

PROM was a blast. had a really good time thank God i din get drunk and okay everything went really fine...everyone just looked their best, their hair sparkling, their suits neat and tidy, the girls looked so different but all of them had good taste in their dressing, none of those over-florid styles and cluttered layouts, just simple elegance and tasteful evening wear. i arrived at 6, went to hsin yao and alex's suites, which really looked elegant esp alex's (there's even a pillow menu) and later on playing 'all that jazz' as they entered, (although we had to have a makeshift bass player), taking photos with countless people and just having this nice buzz of atmosphere inthe air, and later on with all the performances and our playmakers performance + prom queen and stuff was really pretty entertaining.

but the fun was yet to start. induz3. now that's where its at. it started slow, just got some bourbons and v sprites, then it really heated up a bit wif thehotties nad later on when more pple came it was gabriel's turn to heat up and it was really good with 'she hates me' and all that haha kren was cheering him on (tsk tsk), so scandalous rite. haha. okay never mind. u dun get it. mr third eye blind ah. the fun was only starting. the music got better and better with all the r n b of 'pass me e money' that stupid song and the DMX 'party up' and 'move bitch' and all that which was really good, all of us were in a circle and we were just jiving to the groove and the beat and the lights......you have to be high, if not you'd be an idiot trying to jive/groove. it's really stupid to be grooving rite, when u are like, oh man. at the end, was really....'yeah!!!! WOW!!! ' and shouting my head off to vida and candice and all of them and aiya just fun lah. long island tea is great....but why do they only serve housepours! irritating.

went back to hotel and talked a bit and slept. oh wells. woke up to mcdonalds'. had singalong session. had nice lunch which was free with the most awesome peking duck(acutally its just canapes and stuff) before jocking off to camp. now thats a life, i tell u.

all those stupid songs are still stuck in my head. ugh! im going to download them!!

I haven't blogged for a long time, but it's still been fun. thursday saw me go shopping to buy some g2000 shirt...friday was really busy, with band rehearsals at darren's, bball at tanglin cc, and jazz band practice at andrew's house. we need to get an amp for my guitar, becoz i can't use a keyboard amp, it sounds rather bad. bball was bad, as usual. our 'all that jazz' needs work, esp the front part, becoz it's still a bit messy actually, but it's really ambitious that we're actually going to do the fast parts.

today was great, though SAT 2 was lousy, especially world history. i felt like i was guessing alot of the answers, since alot of them were very hazy. sigh. mebbe i should've done literature. hopefully still got january to do?? (u can submit it until the 2/15 i heard). but after that lanning was fun, since it was nice being with your mates agian, talking like you did in secondary school. "let all new faith be tolerant of that fetishism, lest it bruise its own roots". playing warcraft and all the rubbish.

i was quite put of by my parents, becoz we had put in a one buck coin into the trolley machine and when we wanted to return it there wasn't any trolleys left, and so a man had to give his one buck coin from his own wallet to my mum, on her insistence, and i was embarassed, because i didn't know if he would get his money back, and i'd rather leave with a clear conscience then cheat the man of one buck. after all, he might earn only 3-4 bucks an hour. that's 15 minutes wasted.
i could have used marginal utility theory, that one buck to us brings less utility then one buck to him, but well....it's subjective rite.

tonight we were at wala-wala, and it was really cool. the band was really cool, and i remembered them from the day when they were playing back at hard rock cafe's thursday show, and when the lady singer, who's really fantastic and has a great voice, and more importantly, vocal control, sang their original song, it was, confirmed, them, coz i had heard the song last time...they went through lots of songs, 'to be with you', and a stunning rendition of 'sweet child of mine', plus 'dreams', 'more than words', 'standing still', and a chorus-rousing 'bitch', 'losing my religion', etc. it was cool when they hauled up one of the audience members to the front to do some singing, it was 'fire', and he was just cranking up the tempo. not bad, pretty sporting. darren said he could sing better, i wouldn't disagree, haha. the male singer was really good too, with a bonjovi impersonation of 'summer of 69'. had a strawberry daiquiri which was really nice in addition to a bit of mr quek's hoogeraden beer, which is actually much better than tiger.
their band was really tight: the lead guitarist's improvisations were out of this world, just all over the place, and the ES-335 that he used had an organic ring to it that was lovely, it meant he could do all the guitar harmonies and stuff that an ordinary electric couldn't do, and the rhythm section was tight, while their lead singer, the female, strutted her stuff. it makes me inspired to go practise some more, and write more....

i think i'm beginning to get back my social-me, the part of me that connects with people and talks to their inner souls and all that. it was dead and buried because the As just stifled all that away from you, but now perhaps it has just started emerging, as I take off the covers one by one of you and you, and peel off the layers slice by slice, and then we can start having a conversation. it's great, just laughing with your mates, talking, having fun.

it's a wonder i saw you today, and you and you. funny how all the old memories creep back, just as silas marner went back to lantern yard to recollect old memories.

Today was a fun day, basically. it started off with some jazz jamming on 'all that jazz' on the piano and working the chords before doing our 'playmakers' song, 'holiday', and it was cool coz all the councillors were there and they are like one big family, and we were just rocking to hong ming's 'qing tian' (by jay chou).haha . right...

adjourned for soccer....im so thankful to God that the asthma didn't really come back, had to take a few puffs though. played not bad, i think....dribbling was spot on, i could just get past pple with effortless ease (oh well at the end it wasnt good coz i was so tired anyway)... the great move was on the right, seeing a gap and squeezing it through 2, then cutting inside gabriel (sorry man) and releasing it to daryl who passed it to guan zheng but he missed, oh well...did another crossfield run from the right to the left but ended up firing way over the bar, oh wells.....my shooting sucks, i could have scored more, i guess. daryl scored a really nice one. went back home to mug for sats, how sad is that.

the thing about dribbling is, its not so much the skill that allows you to get past players, but the timing. harry has fabulous skill, he can turn around in a jiffy and is just so quick on the turn, as in, controlling the ball and turning at the same time, while i need to take some time. but thats' the thing, in some cases, when its really tight, taking your time actually helps. it's about knowing when to dribble, when to do the bursting. it's about seeing a gap, and quickly moving into the gap before someone else comes across, to have a visual perspective of the field and see where the gaps are. its not just about, oh, i've got the ball, let's sprint 200 m and well, what, score a try. if one does that, one is surely going to be tackled. when you get the ball, for example, if you quickly burst, the defender, anticipating it, will surely get you. so its about how to trick the defender. getting the ball, you have to do your trick when the defender least expects it, when he's abit slow in recovering, when he assumes that you arent' going to dribble, you're going to pass, because you didn't make the initial move to run with it, but you look around, and just when you lure him into a false sense of complacency, boom and off you go. there's a rhythm to it, you just watch good players (like well, eh, pires, rivaldo) and see.

like, one of the skills is, how do you squeeze past two? well, the answer is, the only way u can is to go between them. you try to isolate them, make sure there is a large enough gap between the first and the second just for you and the ball to go through, and then you just shuffle through the first, isolating him, before going through the second. the first person would think the second person would stop it, and the second person would think likewise. pires did it against another team, he waited, waited until there was just enough gap, that angle to do the run, and he did it, ghosting past one and the other. it's all about space.

the bad thing was, i didn't eat a single thing (not a thing) till 7 at night. wow.

you know, last time back in primary school days i was probably more happy, confident of myself, bubbly and all that, and it's sad to see people lose all of that childlike joy for this pensive, moody, the world-is-a-mess persona. last time, i just talked all the time, making jokes and laughing and all that, being friends, being with people, and now it seems as though all of that is gone. it's probably due to the trauma of having bad experiences, people laughing at you, people sniping bad comments about you, and you feel betrayed, you feel afraid of showing yourself, 'maybe i'm just afraid to show myself how weak i really am', and all that, because you fear people laughing at you again. it happens everywhere. such things can really wreck your development. esp in gep, and being laughed at by others, and all that, such a stigmatising experience. it castigates you. so you build shells, and you aren't so eager to do it anymore.

perhaps it's just singapore. in US there's probably alot more sniping, but pple develop confidence abt themselves because it's their nature to encourage confidence, to encourage openness, glasnost if u like. here, if you talk so much, they tell you, oh just shuddup. if you do some funky hip hop moves, instead of going, yah thats so cool, and join in the fun, they're like, what the hell, what's this idiot doing, does he think he's p diddy or something? its absoutely ridiculous, they aren't willing to accept diversity and all that and accept that there are people different from them and they don't have to impose their views on them, or, more frankly speaking, ME. it's probably due to the whole system we live in that values so much conformity, and it just stifles me because i don't belong to that matrix. (haha) the result are people that look like each other, speak like each other, talk like each other. ridiculous.

and the last factor of the change is probably the fact that being bubbly and happy is very tiring after a while. and after a while , being the fickle old me, i get tired and sick of being happy, so i want to be sad for a while, so that when i'm next happy it'll be more enjoyable, being happy. it's my theory of cycles, how pple have mood swings in order to maximise their sadness, or their happiness, since being bland and boring is the worst thing of all. and its just plain tiring, i must be getting old.

Went to MUN'S house today, had fun, played 'PLAYSTATION', whatever you call that, childish as u like...winning 11 and teaming up with mun to beat the rest!! damn cool. scary movie was not bad also. damn funny..dinner was good, mahjong was , well, i just learnt it...so overall a great day.
there was a scandalous section but who cares.

but this blog is not my toilet paper (as the chinese proverb goes, whatever it is)

you know, when people tell you, oh, you're mr personality, oh you're nice, you know what, its just a euphemism. what they mean is that, you look like a dog, you're just lucky your character's okay, so you can get on in life without a bruised eye. it's ridiculous how people comment so much on looks, or emphasise it so much. we're just animals, basically. if that's the point. i don't care, i like the way i look, and if i had plastic surgery, well, it won't be me, wouldn't it? i don't care if i look like crap and be a negative externality to the world, well, the pple who think like that are the ugly ones, inside. God made me like that, i'm compelled to like it. and dont' say that looks are permanent, one can always have plastic surgery, can't he? he can always have facials, or groom his hair, to look like some hunk. but how do you change character? ppl say, looks are permanent, character changes. but you can never change who you really are.

so how? haha. nvm.

I FINISHED MY A LEVELS! I FINISHED MY A LEVELS!!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!
finally its over.

can't stop man.

i mean its been like 2 freakin years, and now its all up to God, and i really dun care (at lest for now) what i get, i just wanna enjoy myself.

i was out jamming, which was really fun...the noise was so loud, my guitar was in form (at least), churning out riffs and improvising, though the tuning and my hearing was off, but who cares, gangwei's guitar was so sharp! but who cares, the song was damn good, damn tight, fun to play some more.....
went to watch 'master and commander', not bad, russell crowe was at his usual best again i guess. jonah. haha. at my usual wittiness-levels, or should i say, corniness levels, freed from the shackles of the 'As'.
walked around, and we were like, i dunno, jinxed or something, all the shops just closed at the time we got there, until we reached starbucks, which thankfully was open! talked alot of crap there lah.

in fact, it was quite a nice day, the only thing i didn't do was play pool, or lan. but never mind, the ac guys will have lots of that anytime.

I JUST WANT TO EAT YOU ALIVE! EAT YOU ALIVE! (to the tune of limp biskit)....

please take s paper.

sigh

Had a really weird dream again! was dreaming abt X and Y (no names) and i was with Y and they said we were going to X's house and so i went in a car but i was so scared of seeing X (i dont know why oh wells) and so i just sat in the living room while Y and X were upstairs talking to each other and finally we went away before seeing X in the balcony again, hoping that X didn't see me.

stupid rite. haha. i don't think you can decipher it (what it means).

wrote a punkish song today, have to start writing again. ha hah.

Yay, my pool's working, finally. stroked damn nice today.

Guess what, just Econs S left! wow! (to study at least, there's still pract crit)! fINALLY! i went out on friday eating lovely beef kway teow and watching 'warriors' before playing pool and potting ball after ball....with my class, that was cool, coz everyone was just yapping and talking and having fun. and on saturday we went to hsin yao's house to watch rugby. you know what, there's something so alluring about everyone sitting on the sofa watching TV, making jokes and talking and boy was it a fabulous match. a last minute penalty to equalise and send the game into extra time. plus 2 tries. 2 more penalties in extra time, to level the scores. and finally, a jonny wilkinson kick with his RIGHT foot that sailed nicely in. sigh. though i hate england i have to admit they deserved it. playing winning eleven was so fun too, and his mum makes really nice chicken. i can't wait for bball tomroow.

so the rugby world cup is over, and it has been a great tournament. here i have to give out some awards, ahha the ceadsearc awards. haha. fro RWC 2003....

BEST PLAYER:
Jonny Wilkinson. you have to give it to this man, for his sheer determination and coolness under pressure, especially that drop goal. now i hope he doesnt' turn into a rob andrew, a one-dimensional fly half (but his taclking is good, actually)...just a bit of carlos's skills and he'll be the best player on the planet, undisputably. and please dont' be a beckham, please.
OTHER CREDIBLE MENTIONS:
Stephen Larkham: I just love this guy. He's got everything, a solid boot (the kick to Tuquri's try, and the kick to the far touchline that secured the penalty), fabulous running skills, esp against new zealand, and an ability to split the defence.
Carlos Spencer. Enough said....behind the legs. sigh.
Fred Michalak. Although he had a nitemare against england, he still shows enough promise at 21 to suggest he can have many many more good world cups. outstanding in the boot, in e tackle and in e sidestep.
Imanol Hariqundony (whatever the spelling is). Fabulous at the lineouts, and is such a brilliant backrow forward...always creating, and charging, especially with besten and magne, and since he's only 23 it spells promise.
Neil Back...sigh. england.

BEST TRIES:
Rupeni Caucau's many numerous tries has to be mentioned here, since they were just fabulous individual efforts, not to mention Jason Robinson's rampage through Wales's defence. Also, the Welsh effort starting with Shane Williams against England and ending with Steve Jones over the line must take the spotlight for sheer teamwork and skill.



BTW michael buble's 'kissing a fool' is really nice. it's just, so sappy. hee hee.

Ahh. sigh the joys of life. history was finally quite manageable, thank God, mebbe coz I studied for it. okay i better study for lit.

wrote a lovey-dovey sappy song called 'love is in e air', and some other rubbish. sigh. musical mind coming back, yeah. tired. now. haha. going to play tennis.

I really have to thank God for all of that....just to worship Him whole-heartedly, and to let Him be involved in my everyday life. from the time i eat breakfast, to the time i have lunch, and after that, for everything and anything. it's wonderful coz He loves you. ah. sigh. it['s so important that God's just a part and parcel of you, you know, not just some distant God. sigh. i want to know You more, deep within my soul I want to know You, Oh i want to know You, to feel Your heart and know Your mind....

HEY go see this crush calculator! and see how compatible you are with your prospects! it's really quite accurate, if i must say.

The exams have flashed past me, so many things have happened, here am I, waiting for it to be over, for new things, for good things to happen, to find myself among all the rubble.

So one week has passed, and I'm just in limbo, trying to get myself out of the mess that is studying for an exam. it's like, after the momentum's gone, it's so hard to get back there. Hopefully with God's help it won't be so bad. i hope not.

monday, and math was surprisingly easy, though i couldn't do complex numbers. econs was manageable though i really won't know how badly/well i'd do. tuesday, and gp was just rubbish. history was quite bad. source-based was quite difficult, with the hypothesis itself being confusing, and my essays weren't really first rate, i believe. i'm not sure if i provided enough detail for the lenin essay, and for imperialism i probably didn't link economic rivalry with great power rivalry enough.
wednesday, and math was again easy, which is quite surprising. thursday, and econs mcq and data response/case study was manageable again, but i wonder how they're going to mark it. literature was quite a success, i think i managed to acutally express myself well this time, hopefully i can repeat it this friday, again.

so it leaves history paper 3 and literature paper 5, and i'm so not looking forward to it. i just wish, things would go fine....ah well.

melancholy is a beautiful emotion sometimes. just to sit there and ponder and cry and hope and smile....

'nobody loves me....not like you do' portishead.

because the sunset was so beautiful today, the crimson red framed by a mound of clouds sculpted around, as though the sunset was peering out through a gap to greet us. the swirls of red and blue, and in a minute, it had disappeared, how transient the joys of life are.

i have been lost in endless trains of thoughts and books and math and econs and lit and most of all history how can i appreciate life?
'how could you give me life, and take away from me all the unappreciable things that raise it from a state of conscious death?"

I just have to thank my Lord for getting me out of this funk. I really have to thank God....I'm just so grateful. All the time I've been relying on my own strength, being really really stressed in the mugging, worrying about, you know, what if I screw up, and stuff. and then a thought just struck me, it's really not about my own strength, but about God's strength. I turned to God, and suddenly the pressure's been lifted: i realise there's more to life than just exams. I realised that God can do immeasurably more than you ask for.

I wrote a song about it, I was just so thankful and so happy. it was like a burden lifting over my shoulders, the cloud disappearing from the horizon. Now, I don't have to worry. I just have to trust. He never failed me, He never will. Somehow He has a plan, and I know that, and all I have to do is trust.

Now I can smile again, and have the confidence to live my life the happy way, the GOd way. The happy way. Everything becomes nice. My life is complete. I just wnat to jump for joy and shout!
He will carry you through...

The song goes something like this

FOREVER TRUSTING
Music and lyrics by Shawn Poon

When I feel so alone
Trying to make it on my own
How could I forget Your mercy?
How could I forget Your love?

(another verse)

So I turn to You
Draw me near to You
Let me find some refuge in Your love

1st chorus:
Forever trusting
In Your power
Forever trusting
In Your love
Forever trusting
In Your grace
My rock and my redeemer
I surrender

2nd chorus:
Forever trusting in You
Forever trusting in You
Forever trusting in You
My rock and my redeemer, I surrender

Bridge:
And when we reach the end of our journey
And run the race to the end
It's only You that made all things happen
Without You I can do nothing

It is good to be intellectual. I feel it every time we are in Raffles Junior College, talking to people about work, discussing, arguing. i'm fairly certain that only iN RJC can u really do that with ease, without people thinking that you're just an act-smartie pants. okay the downside is that you get competitive, but if you want to stretch your brains and actually make use of them, RJC is perfect.

come to think of it, i acutally enjoy RJC. i acutally enjoy not having to make all those moral decisions that often plague me in ACS, those dilemmas about, well, should i join in the bullying, should i join in the bitching...and all that. here there's not much of it, coz most people are pretty nice. and even if there is nothing much comes out of it, you dont' get the beating-up of people that you get elsewhere. it seems that most of the RJC people, even though some might be boring, have a good heart inside, and aren't screwed up in their lives some way or the other. in ACS you get people who have bruised egos, bloated egos, whatnot, and it's just so difficult to be normal and nice to each other coz you are always thinking, what would people think of you? what would you say? ehhh and all that jazz. but here you can be who you are. everyone respects everyone else, and that's just the way it should be.

and besides, you can stretch your brains.

i am all for the idea that religion should be kept seperate from the state/school. in ACS religion does help in fostering a common spirit, a bond, good friends, and all that, but it leaves people with no freedom to choose for themselves whether they want to believe or not, which i feel is an essential freedom of choice everyone must make, in order so that those who truly believe are true followers, rather than being compelled to follow. so you don't get people who are so disillusioned by the constant preaching that they turn their backs on Christianity totally. you have to entice them, and the way to entice them is not to bore them or to preach to them (in that kind of preaching-style way), but to live for them. and unfortunately many of us just can't live up to those lofty standards we aim for.


and anywae i'm relaly pissed at all the medics in CMPB. they're just so irritating. i hate NS. i tink i'll hate it. i just hate the regimentation and the hierarchy and all that. you go in there, you wonder, what do you call him? SIR? Doctor? what?? and you go there, and you just follow the instructions, and the medical officers there all look down on you as though you're some kinda nut coz you're from RJC and you can't breathe out, and you can't even tie your pants (it just couldnt' come into a loop) and i was just shell-shocked i couldn't talk, or be anything but stoned. just follow instructions. dumbing down. NS makes you all like robots, like muscular robots.

I am writing this slowy lovey-dovey jazz tune now, which could have been much better if my sister had not started playing Canon in D while i was just about to write the chorus, losing my entire train of thought in the mess of that stupid overhyped commercialised song. irritating. but i still got the little tune done anyway.

did much of math today. the nanyang paper is so easy man. i just wish a levels were that easy. haha, i doubt it. i doubt it. jumping on my guitar again. and after all that i mellowed to the strains of piano and chords. haha.

Good day!
I didn't go to school today. so bleagh. haha. was sleeping. and later went to the hospital for my medical.
I had been sleeping. sheesh.
Watched Fiji play Japan. simply sublime. it was a pity Waisele Serevi got injured but their running game is just phenomenal. No wonder I like Sevens rugby so much. to watch, anyway. I can't play rugby for nuts.
I FINISHED HARD TIMES SO HAPPY.

Was jumping up and down playing my tele and singing stupid songs and bouncing up and down to 'Over Seasons' and later on to 'By the way' coz my parents weren't home so I turned the guitar up to full volume and blasted my house away. It was really really fun. Wrote many songs. the verse/prechorus to 'Entertain yourself'. Finalised the key of 'Mambo at a disco'. Just had so much fun with the guitar. screaming my head off and crooning and singing. just having fun.

its a wonder i still got hard times finished. oh well. it was about time.

It is important to realise that there are important things, and other things that dont' really matter. playing the guitar and all that is just for fun. perhaps you would count studying as being important. but really the most important of all is loving God and loving people, and being one of the Heart, not of the Head, as Dickens would put it. i read Hard Times and really missed the warmth that we used to have. ahh. to cry again. just to cry again. i miss that.

Today has been a really cool day. It started with a stupid literature lecture, before adjouning to play bball. i was like one outta ten. haha. talk abt lousiness. at least it wasn't nil.

We went to ghim moh for lunch. quite a superb one too, if i may add. studied hard times today, with mel and adriel.

sigh i can;'t study more than a few minutes without getting distracted. i walked to e canteen, walked all the way to the music room to sightread Sarah's piece, played some music, getting drowned in by the passion of playing the piano (note the alliteration). getting drowned in to the music. letting myself be swamped by it. not merely listening, but feeling throughly for it.
and later on we went into LT4, before chorale people chased us out. haha. but never mind. at least it was just chorale. it was such a nice place to study!!!
went back to LT4 to play the piano. haha. got some new songs. i've got this new song called 'Mambo at a Disco', which is rather nice acid-funk jazz kinda stuff, with a bossa beat. was showing wen en today. wen en played marry had a little lamb, the wen en version. that one you have to ask him.

am doing USC applications now. it's a mess. the deadline was a week ago.

HEY RUNDOWN IS SUCH A FARNEE SHOW!
haha
it just kicks ass. that sean elliot guy is really kickass awesome!
oh starbucks cheated me of my money

and i should really be studying, shouldn't i? never mind, i think i was more productive today, than i was yesterday, when i didn't go out. at least i'm starting hard times.

I can do nothing without You, but with YOu I can do everything. You are the vine I am the branches.


on a side note...
so pretty. ahhh!!=)
yummm!

okay nvm!=) hies.

Friday was nice. Cell was interesting, about God providing for all your needs. Such an apt comment.

Saturday and I was bumming around listening to the strains of Van Morrison's 'Into the mystic', inexplicably charmed. England beat South Africa, and Arsenal beat Chelsea. Yeah!!! Eb is such a nice key. I was just sleeping, which I am, like, so deprived of. So, there. Happy now.+)


Sunday, and church was so so good. Sigh, message was so good. About Jesus being the vine and we being branches that bear fruit.

Everyday I'll ask myself, How am I growing in You today, O Lord? I surrender my everything, my all, to you each day. Guide me every step of the way.

I want to be a vine that bears fruit, not one that is to be thrown away. So may You lead me each day, O Lord. For I can do nothing without You, but with You I can do everything.

Today's message was really good, I have to say.

And later on Uncle Alan showed us his ministry work in the Heartlanders, and I was really touched. It's nice to see God working through us, and I just want to be part of His work.
Somewhere, somehow. Show me...

I had SUCH a nice dream. WHY did i have to wake up?

decided to wink at X. there was a pause, and then, a soft, blushing smile and a small giggle, or a laugh, turning away.

i felt good for the rest of the day.

why did i have to wake up?


and besides I'm not waving to you. yes, not you. oh well.


Prayer meeting was great. irish music. something about it. pity i'm not in ireland, though. sigh. would love to be a seamus heaney in music. trying to find your own identity and something.

Just came back from Orchard, following the football match.
WE WON 3-1! BEAT THE RI GEPS! (the ac geps beat the ri geps. no more specifically the ac geps with liang and sim)
actually it was a really scrappy match. the ball kept getting stuck in the mud, which was to our advantage coz it meant hte fast players couldn't run and run with the ball.=)

tim scored the first with a nice thumping bullet header off a jon huang cross. actually he hit the corner, and it deflected off someone, to me, i just stuck out my foot and pushed it bck to huang, he crossed (he told me he was trying to shoot) and then tim just was totally unmarked to head it in from about 10 yards out, i think.
the second goal was from sim's corner. to the nearpost tim backflicked it, and it hit goose and into the net.
i scored the third. off a throw in, just got into the box past a few tackles (Actually they weren't very good tackles lah) and chipped it over dave.
harry scored their consolation. sidefooted it to junyi's left.

went to have lunch, before adjourning for pool with kevin. Lost to him real badly, but nice talking to him. it's been a really long time. just talking about life, you know, everything and anything. went to buy some cds, he got Ok computer from radiohead and another which i can't remember what its name was. radiohead should pay me haha for sales commissions. went to coffee bean to eatttttt. caesar salad was lovely, and of course the coffee. haha i was teaching him econs, don't know why also. kinda outta pt. haha.

actually, yesterday i couldn't sleep, too excited. haha. and i really thought it was going to rain, and it did, and in the morning i woke up, thinking, oh crap we can't play, if we play it'll be so wet. but then we did play, in e mud with boots and all, and it was actually quite fun. thank God i didn't get my asthma rubbish again, and i actually could run a bit, up and down. haha.

okay been a good day so far.

Hello everyone! In school now, on this damn library computer of RJC's. it's a pain studying, I've been doing the CJC paper for almost 3 hours and I haven't even got past the 2/3 mark yet! Talk about the 'A' levels!

Sida says I'm rambling
Okay i probably am
But who cares

Shall I write you a poem?
How bout some haikus...haha

Prom night is coming
Shawn is going there topless
I did not say that

-okay never mindd.....

how bout a proper poem...
alliteration!!! wow.

THE SCHOOL

Boys from Raffles Institution
Bury their heads in books
Boring!

Boys from ACS
Bum around buayaing babes
Bastards!

Boys from Chinese High
Breakdance to break their necks (from Sida: hear hear Dalg)
Bad taste. tsk tsk.

okay this sums it up nicely. haha.

bye bye!

SATS yesterday, shoudl be alright. math not too good, lit not too good, writing shaky. jhaha. what else is left? i don't know.

bought some shoes.

Church was really fantastic. Sitting/standing in the pews, lifting hands, praising God, just letting go and letting your spirit sing and praise Him, not thinking (it's a bad habit), just proclaiming how great He is, that was just wonderful. haven't had that experience in such a long long time. it just seemed as though i was His good child again, no more stupidness and craziness, but just love. He wants the best for me, I give my best to Him. And you know, if you give your best to Him, He will grant you the desires of your heart, the richness and fullness of joy, as He gave me. So i'm just really thankful and grateful for all that, and I really hope it lasts. Everything was great just now. I was talking to people really well, just communicating with them, not being afraid, but just having fun, and being happy. None of that self-conscious reflecting, oh what would he think about me, and so on, but being natural about myself. That's really wonderful, and it's so rare Sigh why did it take so long to come back?

Ah, it was really something special. Full, whole-hearted, joyful, worship, all to Him. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you."

It's complimentary, not substitutional.

You know, maybe my sickness was a blessing in disguise after all. Before that sickness I was rather grumpy, far away from Him, and all that, but after that sickness really set in i began to trust more and more in Him and His grace and i think that's really great, just to be able to call on Him more often and allow Him to be in my life more. I mean, now I'm much more happy with God.

I mean if we'd only let God take control, we would slowly lose our propensity to sin, and only by putting away everything else and coming to God will we find that we can conquer sin more decisively. There is no use trying to put sin away if you don't come to God; come to God and everything else will be fine.

I really believe. Please use me. thank you.

haha its nice to be happy.