Today was a jolly good day, I'd say. It seems like my 'talking' me has returned, finally, amidst lots of prayer and asking God for being 'able to relate to people', and guess what, He really answers prayers, as usual. Finally I could talk instead of feeling self-conscious about myself, finally I could be myself again, rather than being afraid. Who cares? I have just as much right to decide about my life and my destiny than others, huh.

Friendster's really fun. It's my new hobby after Kings of Chaos died. And it's really nice to surf around, looking at friends, viewing testimonials, seeing friend's friends and their links and all that. Really cool. The guy who invented it was a genius. I got really nice testimonials from lorraine, from gillian, dalg. it's really nice. ahhh.

I have no idea whether (she) notices me or not, or (she) reciprocrates, or it just happens that she looks in my direction, or maybe she's not looking at me, she's just glancing, you have to look somewhere, right?
Really nice cloudy dreams keep appearing, leaving me in delirium. Why do dreams have to end? It's a very very good question. I should ponder over it.
Why do dreams have to end?

It's been that talking mood, with the musical hearing mood, along with a tinge of those drowsy dreamy feelings that I absolutely adore. it's a slow comforting embrace that leads you to sweet slumber. It allows you to lie on your pillow, gazing into wonderful thoughts, forgetting the stress of life, and simply smile to yourself on how wonderful life is. I was


Yesterday was fun because we went off to Holland V NYDC to talk and bitch and have a really chummy class lunch that we hadn't had for such a long time. laughed the whole place down, which was really rather rare. i shan't discuss what we discussed, but it was fun nevertheless.

Everyone was taking photos, since farewell assembly had just finished, and posed for pictures, since it was the last day of school, of our 'organised school'; From now on, we're on our own. Can't actually recall all those that took fotos with me, though I wished there were more girls. damn. haha. but well I guess it was mainly the humans people and the AC people, and a couple of assorted friends. And in the end of the assembly we sang 'If we hold on together'. Rather sappy, I'd imagine, but we are sentimental anyway, and very soon I will miss RJC, even though I vowed never to sing the school song, being an AC boy. Perhaps we would only remember the happy memories, of which there were numerous, and really it was a rather enjoyable stretch of time after all. I wouldn't mind living my whole life in this bliss of teenagehood. And if only the happy memories linger on, it'll still be wonderful.


I have SATII tomorrow. hope and pray i can get above 750 for all.

Had a really nice dream yesterday, but I just forgot all about it. sigh. am so pissed off, really so pissed off. ahhh. and I went to school today trying to find that girl again. haha.
Sigh. she probably doesn't care.


I have realised that life isn't that bed of roses people sometimes say it is. Oh, Raffles, you're a family, you're a tree. what hypocrisy. it is war. survival of the fittest. animals struggling for that same piece of meat, presumably the As. Getting a 'U' for S paper, and getting scolded for turning around to talk, without even opening my mouth, yet. Isn't it enough to make me cry in the lecture theater at the unfairness of it all? For the record, I've never gotten a 'U' before. and just when it's the time to do well, and start getting a Merit like i always do, i get this. the irony of it. the slap-in-the-face the disgrace. well i realised you gotta work for it, but this is really pushing the limits of madness.
I swear (well not really actually) that I would have been much worse off and still powerfully bitter, if I couldn't actually start jotting down some angsty tunes to rid myself of the madness. thank God i still have that gift man. pump up the power chords, scream in my mind, get the drum beats rolling, man...i'm gonna be a rock star. i mean when you see me making it big dont' cry for yourself, coz i don't cry for myself when everyone gets Ds and i'm languishing in, oblivion.
Bitterness is such a powerful emotion: it might make me start doing really damn well for SATS II to prove people wrong again. I always need to do that, it seems like that fire needs to be directed at something in order to burn. So if that's the case, so be it. maybe it will spur me on to get a Distinction in the final exam, though I realised that's a distant possibility. still. i mean what the hell.

there might still be something good coming out of this ah. i have to wear my heart on my sleeve again. fight for my right to live. enough of that langour. because no one really cares. it's a zero-sum-game. a many-horse race. fight.
so why don't we.

i'm no pacifist but here lies madness.

no wonder raffles is such a mess. it's all coz of this. if you were in AC you'd be laughing and laughing it off. but here, you have to be the best or die. it's the teachers' mad philosophy of life i guess. 'survival of the fittest'.

because i believe in my feelings. and when they say it's pleasurable to compete then i would, but most of the time it's not. it's nicer to cooperate. but then again no one wants to cooperate with you.

Went back to school today, simply exhausted.
Really have to thank God for my results. I managed a AABC, a for econs and hist, b for lit and c for math. because i really only expected A for econs and B for the rest. oh well so it was an okay performance i guess. but i have to practise math. but considering the effort i put it, it's really through Gods' grace i can do what I did...many pple did much better but it's okay, they deserve it more than I do.

am applying for US unis now...sigh. a chore. a pain.

read below.

It's wonderful actually. my week got better. I just realised something so important: It's stupid to build the wall between what is yours, and what is God's, because rightfully everything that is yours should be His. Give it up. Share it. Because He loves you, He'll take what you have and make it even better, coz He knows what's best anyway. so it's really stupid to keep anything but just live by faith every step of the way and you'll be happier. I'm probably a little happier now.

Pray for everything. I prayed that somehow I could go to mel's bdae party and like somehow right at the end my dad started changing his mind and allowed me to go, and it was really fun. i mean it wasn't as fun as dalg's dinner party long time ago, but it's not about the fun rite, it's about the fact that your good friend's having a birthday and u're there just to witness the occassion and to be there for your good friend. that in itself counts, doesn't it.
okay this is sooooo sappy ehhh. So i just ended up chatting with the humans pple and the ac pple and just being stupid . okay. nvm.

Wrote a song called 'entertain yourself'. because you know, as the earlier post goes, that's so essential.

Thanking God is so essential. everything in your life, thank God for it. i mean, whatever prelim results i'm going to get tomroow, i don't care, but I'll just thank God anyway, for everything. it's just living by faith, the simple steps. there is no need for the idea of 'You', or what is 'yours', but everything is 'His'.

Okay.
just came back from CG today. it's been really tiring. the cough still won't end, and i can't talk properly, which means blogging becomes a very attractive alternative. church was okay. playing pool was just rubbish. playing simcitty even worse. just trying to do anything to you know, enjoy myself. i realised i just dont' want to go back to school, into the mugging phase again. i mean. it's going to be a never-end, you know, like 2 months of 'never-end' till it all really ends and i stumble into NS. and tomroow the prelim results will be out. would i cry? would i die?
nvm i don't care......i'll still thank God for everything. i mean. it's up to Him. there was this interesting passage today that struck me, that God is the 'God who sees' (talking about Hagar) and that everything is in His plan and everything is for good of the people who love Him and like nothing happens without Him allowing it to happen. That's so comforting.

So I shall trust. simply trust.

Amuse yourself. Entertan yourself. There is nothing else left to do.

I have found new meaning for these words. when I can't get out of the house, paralysed by this raging cough that infuses my lungs with only an irritable itch, I have to find some thing to do, right. it's only natural. and besides, the great thing about this philosophy is that you can create/do anything you like. Absolutely anything. You don't need people to control you, you don't need to respond to anybody. You just have to entertain yourself.

So what have i done so far? Well, i've been watching lots of TV. MTV, rugby union and the like. secondly, i've been writing music. but it's just sporadic tunes that are unlikely to be developed into full songs anyway, just for fun lah. i've been playing my electric (tele) , just playing my 'dance of the chieftains' and all its fast intricate fingerings on the guitar, and later on playing this groovey Em F#m Bm chord prog with added twang, and later on other songs, and trging to imitate carlos santana and later playing 'sweet child of mine' the stupid solo with my neck pickup, that i realised, is very smooooooootthhhhhhhhhhhh. yeaps.

I thank God that I'm getting better and I thanK God for everything He's given to me. my talents my friends, oh, aand, ME! haha. of course of course.=)
i so want to go to mel's bdae party. i missed dalg's party today and that's y i'm resorting to entertaining myself, but i hope tomorow it'll be better. please God. sigh. such a waste. and monday we're getting back results so back to reality agian.
sigh.
reality bites.

Please pray for me. beign sick is horrible. it means i can't do so many things. i'm just at home. lying down. coughing sporadically. God have mercy, please. sigh. i hate being sick
come on. wake me up/
Wrote a poem.

SICK

Superstitious serpents love wringing
themselves round walls
i lie in my bed, a huff, alas, a puff.
To raise high heavens from their peaceful slumber,
To purge the phoenix from its fiery temple.
no, just to breathe another breath
ah, it'll be fine.

pasty-white ceilings and clobbering fans
and friends calling to ask me if everything were fine.
The bed entices the body for a-nesting
till you wake up
and feel the pain.
ah, dreams still bring shelter from rain.

looking out
upon the sunny skies
and people laughing and talking on buses, and in streets,
they call it, 'feeling fine'.
wish i could go. if i could just leave here.

but fate never stays
but tempts the palate.

back here, still lingers echoes of calm and peace
amidst the waves of ache.
the trees have shed their old fruit, waiting for new flowers;
and i am visibly anticipating change
to better understandings. to better meanings.

when the torture of your mind has waned
with the appearance of new, immediate realities
all you hope for is to get out of this
and once you breath the air and find
the chirpings of the crows delectable
then, ah, how wonderful it is to be alive.

-shawn poon 3/10/03

Had a topsy-turvy time. am officially sick now. had chest pains yesterday esp when trying to play footie. couldn't run after half an hour, so just walked around, see a doctor, pump some oxygen, get some muscular chest cream or something, coz it wasn't wheezing, but then i don't know what it might be. it's painful to stand up or exercise, sigh been sleeping alot. i must get down-graded for army man, if not i'll just die.

sun yanzi's voice is so nice. arghh.

=)

went to darren's house yesterday to help him write a song. seems like i could only write a little tune for the chorus in 6/8 before running out of ideas. haha.

well i'm so tired. sigh. means all my activities are probably going to waste. haizz.

Wah i love my guitar!! it's got a nice maple neck with a wood grain streak running through it..this time i'd bettta keep it in good condition man, haha. restrung it with 10s but i think i'm going back to 9s coz 10s are a little dififcult to play and it soudns a little rangly, coz mebbe it was set up for 9s anywae. and besides its easier to play.....yeah. its like pressing string.=D but 10s have nice sound. haha. okay nvm. i think 9s hae nice sounds too. its nice to play it through an amp man u can get all the nice little sounds! wow wee...=) like the screammmmmm. too bad u really can't get hte power chords lah but hwo cares. its a tele btw.

and i am returning to worship God again! yeah! it's all about Him, and only Him.

and ran today to prepare for the napfa rubbish

and tried to write some songs but it didn't work

and played 'autumn' on midicode and it sounds good again. yay. played nobody cares on the tele...wah so cool. coz its like nicer chords than the gibson which was really crap.

I'm in a good mood today! albeit i'm a little dizzy from drinking some milo and combined with playing tennis and being so tired that's a sure combi for zombiefiedness.

ah well. decided on my guitar. it's probably going to be a Fender Japan Tele, which is pretty good, from luther. it has a relaly nice distorted sound that still sings, and plays chords nicely, besides the neck is really comfortable to play barred chords on, being maple wood i believe. visited swee lee today, the jagmaster was interesting but a little metallic; the stagemaster was just rubbish; the cort was okay it had a 24th fret but then the un-acoustic sound is rubbish; the fender mexican tele was not bad but then again the japan one is cheaper. then we went to davis but they sell rubbish there. only the PRS deserved mentioning but it's way above me budget. must thank gangwei for helping me test the guitars tho.

okay. and so i stopped by church , and guess what? they had to rope me in to play for SES coz matt wasn't around. and like the worship singer just started singing one song! so i had to figure out the key which took really long, they were almost in e chorus already, and later on i tried moving back to G when they were playing in A, but he didn't even realise i was trying to switch! arghhh! and like one more song was in another key and it was so messy and all that coz i was so last minute, but i believe God understands. haha.

wrote a christian song just now. something about 'You called me'. sigh. i think the thing about christian songs is that, you've gotta put some imagery into it. sure any praise song is good, but there really are too many songs out there that just say 'Praise You' or 'Worship You' and alll that and it gets really dull sometimes. i mean there are great worship songs that attempt to say somethign in a differnet way, u know what i mean. ah well. i wrote a punk song today also coz i was so punked out with yesterday and stuff....on shopping. haha. wells. the riff and all that. haha.

and i had such a weird dream last nite. it was abt some gal. and like i was playnig pool trying to impress her! and like it was all so werid coz she was wif her family and i was wif my family and we like started talking and it was so weird. i think we were outside a church or somehting. haha. werid alright.

people have this stupid idea that, oh, if you train hard enough, you'll succeed. they can just go kiss their own behinds or something (in very diplomatic language if u like). and if u dun succeed its because u didn't try. i mean. oh. so if u are stupid its coz u din read any books when u were young. if u are tone deaf, too bad, try and try, and u'll succeed. oh listen to mozart. very good use. so the poor have to just find some work to do and they'll lead a comfortable life, and if we only try, well done! well done! silly american idea. well done. go tell that to the man living on the streets and see if you'll live to stroll past the next corner. i seriously seriously doubt it, but you could try. well done. i'll congratulate you if u make it through.

note the irony. of course some pple would ask me what irony is. well go and try your darndest to find out. don't succumb to another irony.

the world is ironic. listening to 'the rainbow connection' by sarah mclachlan while being seriously bitter is really ironic but it works. it's the fuel for the fire.

so i'm going in early for napfa, i'm not very happy about it. but all you get is Mr Macey comments. well done. i mean. i never do that to people never never never. seriously. just gets on my nerves. bitterness. no wonder there are so many people unhappy in the world. because people hardly realise how their words have an effect on other's feelings.

well i'm raring for a fight. i've already got my retorts ready. in fact some of them are quite priceless.

"im just afraid to confront my demons when they arise"--> and the person thought i was being serious abt it! u see how some pple can't see irony? sigh tsk tsk
"its all the truth. i'm a lazybum and the world knows it."--> of course of course.
"i told u, that test, they aborted it, coz they couldn't get a reading, okay?so if i drop dead and faint unconscious u can tell the world abt it"--> i wanted to say, you could write a will, but then again i would be tempting destiny to say it. God wouldn't be very happy. so even though i'm pisssed i'm not going to sin okay.
sigh its like saying. if u're tone deaf its ur fault. haha. tell that to ****or. if ur'e stupid its ur own fault, whu asked u never to read a book when you're young!?"
--> reminds me of my parents speaking to my lil brother. haha. well.

"Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see


Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me


Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see


Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me"

sigh. hate going to NS early coz of stupid nafta. will have to find a way of getting just 2.22 on the jump and on the run!!!! argh!

the good thing is, they'll allow me to bring a guitar in! which means i can still sing and write and play haha. fat hope. as if they'll be time. haha.

=)

played LAN today, and pool. whacked jinwei's ass. okay not really lah but aiya. lan was really stupid. played bball today which was ridiculous. could only play point/defence, din even make a shot! sigh. and like everyone was making 20, 30 pts. sigh. embarassing. listening to nirvana now, and they're really good!

went to see all the guitars at Luther. hmms. the squier tele is not bad. nice chordal tone, the leads have sting, but then its a bit twangy, u lose a little bit of the low-end bite. and there's a bit of fret buzzing problem and we'll have to try to rectify that.
i took a look at the hamer...not sure whether that'll work also.

i really want a jagmaster man, the one kurt cobain used to play. haha

i woke up feeling good. thats nice thats nice.

Yay! Happy days are here again! Yay yay yay! save for the econs S paper. haha. well its nice for a little break just before the 'A's, i'd imagine. can't go back to studying yet. will catch up with some jamming, some movie outings, some pool, some talking to pple and catching up with them, yeahhhhh. sigh. i'm s glad the A level prelims are over! Overall i think i really have to thank the Lord for helping me through this mess i mean like for the energy and strength to do this well, like philippians said, 'I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength' and it's nice to be able to count on that.

Well, so we went to orchard today, and officially 'Life in Mexico' is the worse movie ever! I mean how more stupid can a show get? you have lines like, ' i don't think, i drink', haw haw haw. very funny indeed. *puke*. it was a joke, thats why it was funny. played pool later on, getting my touch back hopefully. ahhhh.

actually today's econs paper was quite okay, thank God. no careless mistakes so far for mcq, hopefully can get A. aiya. see how.....and that girl is so pretty! ahhh hahaha okay nvm=) she's quite pretty what. okay nvm. eye candy is good for you=) aiya i feel like talking to her or smiling but aiyaaaaaaaa shyyy.....=) ssshhh keep quiet. its oh so quiet, ssshh ssssh its oh so still, ssssh ssssh and so peaceful until!! you fall in love, ...=) (not me lah, its just the lyrics)

shall i continue writing my stupid symphonic tone poem? i just might. it's quite a nice thing and it was stuck in my head for a little while. oh and yeah there was tori amos' silent all these years playing also. not bad, not bad.

its nice to be able to sleep again soundly without worrying about the prelims.yeah. sleeping sound is good.

I'm currently on the road to 4Bs, hoepfully, but it could be an A 2 Bs and 1 C-E, or osmething, depending on math, and trying for an econs A. sigh. it's really tiring, and i just want to get over this phase. tomorow we'll be going out after the exams, freedom! wow. i'm so happy, even in expectation. haha.

shawn

life is hard.

Just came back from lunch at Al Dente with Wen en, and just after math! which was okay...stats...just trying to scrap a B, hopefully stats aint' careless.

the weird thing was my dream. it was just some weird dream about being late for math, but another even weirder dream, but it's not in the good sense of me to divulge it. haha. maybe privately. hmm. it's probably 'cuz i could hardly sleep yesterday, being fed on coffee and coffee through the history papers.. ahhh.

and today there were so many cute gals running around in RJC! man. haha. wells..=) sigh. *wistful look*. should i go talk to her? haha . but you might think, who's her? well there are lots of hers, mind you. =)

ahhh. i'm back to being lively again. just carefree. There's no thoughtful deliberation about what to do and all that, but rather I'm just feeding on my instincts. Oh, and trying to lose weight. ahhh thats y pasta today's more than enough, even though i'm hungry as a hunter, still. haha.

Just had some herbs soup, can't sleep. shall study a bit.
hmms. we just had Cell, and the nice thing was coming together again with real friends that share the same perspective, which is God-centered, and having a common fellowship. it's been 2 months since we had CG, and how we needed it. sigh. but it ended up as a talk session about the youth and all that. which was. aiya. never mind. hopefully we get some bible study done=)

i realised something. that its really ironic, life is. which is why i shouldn't keep trying consciously to write a song. it's really stupid. life doesn't work the way one thinks it does, that if you focus your mind you can do it. it really works the other way round sometimes, particularly with art, that when you don't realise it you could do much better. just like dickens says ,'if only he had learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might teach more!' so true. in fact i've been taking stock, and i realised that all the good little songs that i have [or better ones amidst the junk] were all written not-seriously. runaway now was in the toilet. 'autumn' was supposed to be a protest song initially and it started when i just woke up and was playing some chords and singing the melody to myself. 'nobody cares' was written on the bus stop and at raffles town club playing snooker. 'happy' was just another strum-the-guitar and sing song. no real sit-down and, oh, look,i must write a song. that's so stupid. i just have to live my life and eventually i'll have things to sing about.

Now I know how James Harthouse felt , nothing to do in the world, just lazing around. I was even bored enough to open up the mozart sonata songbook to play some mozart! his first sonata in C is typically sparky, then i played the last one...more subdued... in the end i just played the sonata in C, the familar 'do mi so ti-do-ti-do' u noe that one. yah..aiya just trying to sight read the entire thing....I ended up writing a piano-styled ballad that was supposed to mimic X-Japan, coz i jsut hate the thing, and man it's so easy to write. u just have this descending chord prog and you keep repeating it all the way...gangwei says it sounds like 'endless rain', well it's meant to sound like them, sorry. haha. it's not a serious song=) later on i ended up playing guitar, watching TV, just to relieve myself of all the boredom. sigh. playing more piano later on....the mozart andante in A major sonata...some other songs just to cheer me-self up....'be magnified' by Don Moen, great song. it's so uplifting, and just what I want to say. ahhh. mozart sounds great on the piano. his orchestration is just so balanced, and melodies so precise and clear and balanced and melodic and flowing...it's like the piano is singing, and the tonalities are so balanced and clear. but of course it'll be great if the piano was just-tempered. sigh. my usual grouse again. i bet i couldn't tell the difference anyway.

sigh i have to get a new guitar. my old guitar's creaking, and u just can't play for 5 minutes without it being out of tune again! silly.

so one week of exams have passed,but frankly all the pressure comes before the exams. i'm strangely subdued during the exam week, it's almost like holidays. yet i still have to study 2 topics of paper 3. irritating. so far, econs was alright, lit was alright, i'm so glad it's over, history was alright, math was bad. but then again math is always bad. hope it isn't too bad.

sigh. it's bad. studying for lit now. still can't finish. had a really weird dream about me trying to get e attention of a girl who was in the same clasroom [she happened to be, she's not in my class] by kicking the teacher and talking to the teacher alot. sigh. but she just didn't care. haha. so apt=). played some snooker just now, which was really sucky at the start but slowly got more into the groove, i guess.

anyway, just some great new songs for all to listen to.

1. travis: re-offender
2. dido: white flag
3. dreamz fm: should i stay
4. starsailor: silence is easy

Today not so good. sigh. lit wasn't that impressive, and i kept having songs stuck in my head, from beyonce's 'crazy in love' to some of my own songs. sigh. stupid. tsk. like so sleepy.

am raging now. sigh. seems like i can't get the tele after all. what a stupid thing to rage about. but you see wannabe pop stars with their stupid guitars that cost a million bucks and like they can't even play and you tell me is that fair. ahhhh... ragingg now, but i'll be fine later on. sigh. i can't stay raging and angry for too long, which is bad, coz i can't write a raging song. haha. but well. you know. yeah. i mean i used to be really full of rage last time but i guess i'm mellowed down alot as Christianity has probably brought me to realise the important things of life and the Spirit calms me down more often i guess. but then again. sigh. mebbe i'm getting soft. haha. it all depends on your point of view. i happen to think it's an improvement, you just lose a few things about life.

lit was a killer. i just hope i did fine.

In high spirits today, maybe coz i got to go home early to sleep. haha. econs paper was pretty okay, hopefully can do reasonably well. math was quite die, i think i'm consigned to a B or worse. history was so-so, but you'd never know, especially for essay papers.
in high spirits. listening to weezer's 'keep fishin'', simple pop punk music that's so catchy and so fun haha so cool. been writing quite alot of songs today. two songs...one that's really simple and 'major', just a basic 1-4-5-4-5 chord prog with just a fun melody. i can imagine the guitars jangling and twangling in the background....you know, telecasters just giving that good old rhythms....wanna get a tele man, that kinda sound, is really cool. so rhythmical and so full and yet so catchy and jangly. who says it's just for country music? [i could change the pickups and it'll make allt he difference].....yheah wana get a tele. got any to sell? haha the other song is more pop/boybandish lah. haha. sigh i'm unabashedly pop, it's embarassing sometimes.