Haven't blogged for a long time. went for my law interview, on friday, and had a good time after that, shopping with jerald, etc., going to brewerz for some beers, going to sentosa on saturday for some talking and some beach games eg. frisbee. So sick after that, but it was a fun weekend. could be better, though.

i have to OBEY GOD. today's quiet time subject was about how, if we love God, we will keep His commandments and obey Him. I can't agree more. it says 'it's not a warm feeling or a belief', but its obedience....sure. it is. because if He is our master, then the only way we show we love Him is to obey Him. it's just like the way we love our parents is to obey them, no?

hmm. i should do that more.

i've been so bubbly and smiley and talkative, which is good, i guess. i miss that energy. sigh. it seems like only once i get my brain working, which takes incredibly long, can i get into a nice funk to enjoy myself. why's that. haha.

and songs are inevitably linked to images.

and i love 'someone to watch over me'.

Speaking of that, here is my review of American Idol.

1. Diana DeGarmo
Absolutely superb. sure, she doesn't look too good, a bit on the plump side, but man she can sing. someone to watch over me was done in a nice pure way, for a 16 year old that sure is great--it wasn't as rounded/full of that warmth as you'd expect from someone like ella fitzgerald, but it had a nice pureness that came from singing naturally without the vibrato. but the second song really pushed the limits, and beat the competition away. why? because firstly, it was so lively, and her voice just flutted with the melody effortlessly, it was just pitch perfect, seriously. it was, like, so agile, and so fresh. wonderful. judy garland, wasn't it. and also the image: a nice little girl one, which was pretty cool for her. moreover, she impresses with her honesty. in front of everyone, she has no airs, she just speaks with a nice fresh tone, is cheery and bubbly, and takes criticism so well...she deserves to be american idol 3.

2. George Huff
First song, from Top Hat, only amateurish. the song was good, funky, nice and swingy, but maybe the voice just failed to stir, coz it was just so low, and sometimes it seemed as though he was struggling with the notes a little bit. and like he can't talk properly issit. make no mistake, coz i like huff, but i think sometimes the antics are getting too fake, and it's time there's a bit of sad emotion coming through, some realistic little human connectiveness that'll make him a star. but the songs were nice. i wonder what they were. hmm. what a wonderful world, and then the top hat song.

3. Latoya London
Hard to follow after Diana, but surely this was lousy. she looked like a chicken popping her head in and out. the voice was not bad, a bit strained, perhaps? but a lack of personality, maybe. i just can't feel it, i dont' know why. but i guess you can't just strain to hit the high notes all the time. she was better last time, i believe? i haven't heard the judges yes but that's what i think. oh no the judges just gave her a ten outta ten. haha for once i dont' agree with cowell. okay it was a great broadway performance tho. i'll have to give her that.

4. Jasmine Trias.
Kena slammed for being 'unexciting'. sure, but the appeal's still there. sweet girl appeal, isn't it. the first song was really great, i think 'the way you look tonight' really benefited from a warm rendition. the tone was really beautiful, lilting, melodious, beautiful, warm...and the second song was not bad, she rocked. the dress was nice. okay pleasant. but really i think at this stage pleasant is still enough to progress (note ms fantasia)

5. Fantasia Barrino
great performance. nice song. it was quite brilliant actually. there was some emotion there. i din really like her before but okay this one was good

this is in order of performance, btw.

Just came back from dance night! In a high now! You'll know you're in a high when you RUN back from the bus stop, instead of walking, for goodness sakes'.

the first part went along with the actual concert itself. i especially liked the 3 beat song, (Forgetting the dance), and especially the coloured dances, the chinese dances, even the hip hop ones. all were pretty cool. there was some nice touches here and there, i must add. what was really cool were the costumes, probably at a all-time high. all tastefully done and stylishly apt, too.

although the fun only got on in the later part, with the photo taking and all that. not bad, it was like a big school reunion with all these people meeting up together and discussing their lives. not bad. felt really nice. although damn why aren't i a councillor? heh. walking to cheese prata was pretty cool also cuz zhu kept calling me bladder boy and all that. =) which was quite fun. aiya. just being the life. just being myself. being loud and don't care and brash and weird and even gay. okay im not but it was fun to pretend i were one...

filled with rhythm to write songs, inspired to write dance tracks. can u imagine them playing it at a club? heh heh....the party atmosphere is pretty cool and euphoric. its energetic. haven't felt like that in ages!

oh...and..HI! and HI! to all of you. hmms. i din say hie but never mind, hi.=)

The tragedy at Nicoll highway left a profound impact on me. Looking at the TV and the cries of the families who's relatives had perished in the collapse made me realise just how precious life is, and how infinitely mortal we really are. Each day that we live is a gift from God. The next day, we might die, and meet our Maker. 'I don't worry 'bout tomorrow, I just live from day to day.' And so, how much more should we cherish our lives, and the good times we have and the families and friends you share and know. How much more should we cherish everything we have because time is short. You never know if anything will happen to the people you love and know.

The flaming lips expresses it very well...
"Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize "


And I am so proud of my organisation (SCDF) to be the rescuers at the forefront rescuing bodies. We are the best. we actually do something noble. man. this is the thing that makes SCDF people swoon with pride.

Had a swim today; decided to exercise a bit. And moreover, prayer was good today, so good. can actually feel. the images in my head of something majestic towering into the sky coupled with song. it's rather interesting as well. hmms. Lord I just need to feel You with me all the time, and not just know. but to really experience and feel. what an apt bible lesson today!!

Happy birthday to myself! I'm saying this because most people don't have a clue today is, my, urm, birthday. happy 19th.

so i went out with jerm to this mexican restaurant of which i've forgotten the name to have burritos, tacos, wings, and margaritas. it was good, especially the drink, nice and limey and potent. now how often do you get strong cocktail drinks? most of the time it's so diluted it tastes exactly of 7up, or syrup, etc., especially if you go to restaurants which serve drinks but are mainly known for food, such as hard rock cafe. you'll never get proper drinks there. most of the time i order beer, because, well, you can't cheat with beer.

----
i guess working at ubi headquarters has indeed confirmed something people tend to say about singapore. there are the cosmopolitians, and the heartlanders. although somewhat cliched, such a division holds much water. i am not saying one is better than the other, they're just different. Civil Defence is flooded with the heartlander sort. Most speak chinese, play pool, listen to stefanie sun and jay chou, and think the chioest person in the world is joanne peh, or something of that kind. because my department is more heartlandish, i guess i'd also need to adjust. but please, no ah-beng attitudes or act-cools. i really can't tolerate it, man. but what i like about them is this warm and fuzzy friendliness about them. it's rather simple, open, and nice. but somehow i don't know, i'd like to think there's more to life than that.

but you already know what cosmopolitians are like. they speak english, for one thing.

and if you think singapore is one homogenous nation, try living in tampines, and then moving to clementi. whole lot of difference. tampines is so suburban, almost a cluster-town. everything is self-contained. so new. buses travel around like they're in simcity. flats are themed. back here in clementi everyone is waiting to go to orchard to have some fun.

and btw, macpherson is downright ugly. there are factories next to sleazy hotel-81 styled hotels and little residences popping up here and there. LTA should be sued. the whole place reeks of malaysian haphazard-towns where little trucks run up and down amidst rickshaws and bicycles. absolutely disgraceful. if it's old and full of charm, that's wonderful--penang is like that, or maybe even central chinatown. this one isn't old and yet its fugly. ridiculous.

what i can't stand.
1. ah lians with dyed hair.
2. girls with dyed hair.
3. anyone with dyed hair

seriously it's not the occassional highlight, its those brown-coloured dyes that make you look like japs. so unoriginal. please, come on, have some taste.

'Twas a good day today. It started off with a nice church service. I realised that I have to get back to God and, really, the most important thing is what he thinks of me, and not what the world thinks of me. It's His leading that's important. and even if the whole world hates me/scorns me, but His favour rests on me, that's all that I need.

Statement no 1: The most wonderful thing in life is the knowledge that God is with you; the worse thing is that awful sense of god-forsakenness you get after sinning/being too concerned with earthly things. so, help me to have some resolve.

Statement no 2: character=consistency. there's no point being nice only sometimes when you're in the mood, and the rest of the time when you're in a foul mood to act stupid. the test is CONTROL. how well can you control what you're doing. how well can you control your emotions. now that's real hard. of course, when you are happy and well, everything is nice and you're cheery and bubbly and smiley. but when things start to go wrong, can you still have that warmth in you? if you believe statement no. 1 then God should play the most important role, hence everything still works out fine, hence, you'll be alright.

I had a really nice dinner at Sebestian's. the service was outstanding, the waitress nice, polished, friendly, not too loudish, yet not too reserved. the food was excellent; duck cassoulet (stew) was nice and tasty, esp. with the beans; my rack of lamb was flavourful, the beef was good, and so on. a nice hearty french meal. dessert's souffle was a bit disappointing, it can't compare to bakers' inn, but it did had lots of grand marnier in it, which did wonders. afterward i felt so sweet, tender, full, and just so relaxed as my food digested in me tummy and i just was there. it's the after-dinner effect (it can't be explained. you have to experience it). maybe coz i ate lots of meat, which is quite rare, actually. but i think it's the beer. but the ambience was really nice. it reminds me of rustic french provinces where music is played and you sit there looking over hills and pastures. so story-book like. hmms. i shall go to bed with good memories, and a wonderful feeling in my tummy.

i shall sing songs.

I'm beginning to enjoy Combo Band. I enjoy it more when I'm playing the piano, I guess, because I'm playing more things than silly full chords with the synthesizer to mimic strings, which is, frankly speaking, boring. i hope cpt jaffar etc. aren't reaading this. it will be too politically incorrect. i mean, the worse thing is, the roland is really off in terms of key and stuff. i always have a feeling it's somewhat off in its intonation, but it might be just me. i mean, it just doesnt' sound right, maybe because i don't know how to use it. in any way the strings really sound off. why can't they just get a korg or something. the strings are so much more, stringy.

i mean good strings have to be, full (you gotta hear the chord), unobtrusive (no jagged sounds, etc, no piercing high ends), rounded and mellow, and atmospheric. i mean. it's gotta have that sheen, that warmth and depth as well, while not being overpowering. hard to find the right combination, i guess.

but when i close my eyes and delve into the music, songs like the malay ones 'pintu ke terkaker' etc. and 'lean on me' etc. are really nice sometimes. nice to play with a band, and appreciate all the little chords.

and the thing is, i need a girlfriend. why?? because when all the guys are in the army, girls are the only ones available. and not only that, that's just a peripheral point. i mean, girls are there not just for the fun, but a gf will truly understand you and be a nice pillar of support and a kinda conversation partner, a soulmate so to speak. because sometimes in NS, away from social groups, it can get somewhat lonely, and I just need somewhat to speak with, about what i'm thinking, the day's happenings, the future, the past, and share feelings with.

i'm trying not to be mushy.


=)

layout's changed.

Happy easter to all.

God, in His infinite mercy, is slowly eroding away my hard shell that has developed around me, and showing me love and peace. Thank you. slowly i shall come to understand, fully, and not go back to sinful, angry feelings. The life of a Christian is one of peace, love, and kindness, a slow life of 'others first, I'm last', not this 'go and seek out pleasure and be the best in everything'. It is, 'but for the grace of God am I', and 'I have completed the race' in humble dependence on God, and not, 'I can do everything by myself'. And if I am to understand that, then it is not the world's standards I should be ascribing to, but Yours. Then why am I so hard-up, O Lord?? For fun and all, when everything I need is in You?

For Jesus died for my sins. And Jesus You had to endure the cruelest thing of all, not just the pain and the torture, but seperation from Your loving Father, as You cried out 'Why has Thou forsaken Me?' You were forsaken, when I should have been forsaken. Thank You, God, for sending Jesus down for us.

So please heal me please heal me please heal me and help me...

T. D. Jakes' song 'Mercy saw me' is really inspirational. 'The justice of God saw what I had done, but Mercy saw me through the Son, not what I was but what I could be, that's how mercy saw me'.

Save me.

I’m kinda hard up now. Hard up for the good things in life to come and come and come without giving anything of myself away. Wanting to take more, and more, till one day I sink and swim in an ocean of gifts and blessings. Such is a result of my repressed state of mind that I end up like this, a state that, thanks to RJC and all sorts of influences, slowly sinks into never-ending-nothingness. Coming from a world that tells you you have to be the best in order to survive, what more do I now know?

I was not like that last time. I was content to just doing my thing, living my life quietly, enjoying the little simple pleasures that come my way as gifts from God, not thinking too much about what I needed to do to ‘prosper’ and all that. When I treated life like everything was a bonus, I began to enjoy it even more than I would have if I had felt they were expected, I deserved it. Naw. But slowly things changed. In addition to my growing up came this hard-up-ness about me, because I felt things slipping away, I felt my life reducing to nothingness, and I just want to keep the bits that I still had with me. If you’d say, I was nicer 3, 4 years ago, it is probably true. Now, I expect too much. I expect fun after every outing, if not I’d feel disappointed. I’d expect to be the center of attraction. It really sucks. Why can’t I be normal?

We build ourselves around the wrong things. It really should be God as the pinnacle, the base, the support, not songs that you write, music, your friends that will fail you, or even your family. And once the focus is wrong, any little chink to these mortal elements will inevitably cause your whole world to collapse. I hope mine hasn’t.

I am slowly rediscovering my life again. Speaking with J in the office about his friends and deep issues brought me back to the days where I would sit in Coffee Bean/Starbucks speaking about human relationships to my little buddies. Back to the times of sitting in the train pondering over little issues, and discovering new friends, and treasuring friendships before they slip away. It’s speaking of deeper issues that lie beneath the surface and thinking how fortunate you are to have friends. It is not taking people for granted, but treating them as precious jewels that we are fortunate enough to meet. Sometimes you have to, you’ll never know.

‘I’ll drown my beliefs, to have you be in peace’

My songlist now:

1. Bic Runga: Sway
2. Jason Mraz: You and I both
3. Kelly Chen: Ji Shi Ben
4. Jay Chou: Dong Feng Po
5. Jay Chou: Fen Lie/An Jing
6. Remy Zero: Save me
7. Tal Bachman: She's so high

There's something wonderful abt Wala-Wala. it's almost homely. it's kinda like people just responding to the music and everything's nice and wonderful and people are talking and having fun.

that's what we are all about. people and their relationships and atmospheres. i'lll have enough of being technical and absolutely anal and concentrate on getting the feel, the flow, the vibe. it's not the hard mechanics of life, it's more, the undescribable intangibles.

because when we raise the hooegarden and chill out with your friends and talk all sorts of rubbish you feel high and rather warm and nice. u can get away for a while in a dark little room with nice lamp shades and aweesome music.

--
on another note, the combo band's doing well. we're gelling and getttng the music in shape, all ready for the police to come visit us.
--

played soccer and bball today. bball was so-so, made 2 nice floaters tt was really good, but the rest was lousy. in the end it got kinda boring. at least i didn't miss the layups. but soccer was much more fun, although i cramped very very badly. almost 10 minutes. had 2 people to help me stretch my calfs and all, because they were tensing up (both of them), so you can imagine how agonisingly painful it was. until now (almost 5 hours later) i still can't walk properly. sigh. damn.

but i was all over e place. sigh. they had to put like 3 people on me as i wiggled henrylike through their defence. haha. too bad i only scored one, from a corner kick. so many opportunites to score. sigh. nvm i'll be happy providing for people.


why can't people be nice. it sucks. sigh. stress and pressure. the greatest test is not how you act towards me when we're all happpy and partying. it's how you act towards me in stress and pressure and in dire circumstances. will you still be nice.

Updates are in place. A picture of my life unfolds, as of Thursday 25th March 2004, 11:45...

Just finished the first day of my actual job, at Service Support Unit at HQ. It's quite a nice place actually. the people are nice, at least from face value, and i haven't actually gotten any work done yet, maybe because I only stayed there for a while, until 10 for band practice. Grins.... which was really fun, although really tiring. Got introduced to the people around. HQ is going to be my home for the next 2 and a half years, I'd better begin to enjoy and like it.

What stinked was this incident with a stinky officer who came to reprimand me about playing billiards in the snooker mess room. Firstly, it was very odd. I was there at 5.30, which was the opening time. and secondly, i've been there many times and never got scolded, so why should it be, this time? and, well, what happened was that i actually went in there and started shooting a bit, then this officer wearing cvs came in and i played with him. and then many other officers came in later on. and so maybe he thought i was intruding into their private space or what. wahtever man. i came there first, and besides when you're playing a game with someone, its always a code shared between players that everyone's equal, regardless of rank. once you're on the pool table.

That said, band performance at the mess was really good. First, there was really good food. now that's enough to warm everyone's stomachs to start playing well. had a few helpings. prawn noodles, satay, the like. now if only they'd devote some of that funds to NSF. sigh. they're abusing us. =P. although 'the way you looked tonight' wasn't very good, summertime was rather fluent, and was fun too, wif many different solos played by the guitarist, saxaphonist, and I (the keyboardist)...'la bamba' was very very exuberant. I just swooned into the music, closed my eyes, swayed my head, it felt like clubbing. the way music moves you. and making silly jokes with the combo band people and talking about stuff and just doing things together. sigh. it's fun. it's what's been missing for quite some time. 'careless whisper' had a wonderful climax and a lovely party atmosphere.

i'm going to watch observatory tomorow, after my first full day at work. God please help.

and besides i have EDB interview on tuesday, and ST on monday. pray it'll be good. have to take time off, though. hopefully the officers will relent. i hope so, but i'm so new, hopefully they're nice people. if not i shoudl go and complain to commissioner or something. heh.


-------
it's sad how people drift away from your life. I used to cry about it long ago, but then I realised crying didn't really help matters, except allowing you to drown in your misery for a little while, putting on some radiohead, beck, and thinking, 'it's nobody's fault but my own'. i guess sometimes maybe it's just the way life is. people come, they must go, off to a different stage of their life, when you wont' be around with them anymore. people have drifted away from my life, but one of the most important lessons i've learnt was to stand on my own, with God, with my family. friends are great to talk to, but they can't dispense who you are. maybe being in a relationship is different, but with platonic friends, you never know if, one day, he/she might jsut get attached and drift away, and find it difficult to relate to you. you never know if you're never as important as the times when you talked with each other on the phone every day, and knew every little detail abt the other person. you'll never know. and probably things just die.

great topic for a song. grin.

okay going to sleep now. take care peeps.

Just feel like doing a shout-out now, you know, to the people in this world.

FROM AC
jeremy: thanks for being there. you've been a great friend, and at least we're still in really close contact. thanks for coming back to church. stay in touch.
quekky: thx for the jammin sessions and the music, not to mention the pool and the absurd sense of humour. and just sitting around and stoning. and of course, a great person to go out with. we'll go clubbing again one day (okay, i'll join u this time) when i'm feeling better, yups.
wenen: (nearly forgot). you never fail to amuse me. and though both of us have our own paths in life, i'll never forget the celine dions and the rolling around in the libraries, not to mention little dinner talks, cafe visits, flossie outings. you were a perennial, and please be at least a fone call away, or something. dinner's great, clubbing's betta.
ben k: dunno what's happened to you and your life. pls don't float away like driftwood, we can meet up some day again. even when e's taking up the rest of the day, i'm sure there's still time. at least u understood somewhat.
kevin sw: we were really close friends, and it's funny how things worked out till we're almost on different planets. still, it's funny that we can still have marvellous conversations when we meet even after you come back from venus and i back from mars. come back to earth, and me too.
nat: stay cool, buddy. i know life's been a bit rocky somewhat, somehow, in limbo right now, but then again, you always had the zest in you, the spark, and pls don't let it go. we can play pool, go hmv again, watch some concerts, you know, anything.
kevin ws: thx for not forgetting your old friends.

RJC:
daryl: thx for all the c***ness, for standing up for me, for just allowing me to accompany u and mich around like a stupid lamppost and not minding. and thx for being close, keeping in touch, just being there. yups.
kenny: keep up the jazz. stay in touch.
mun: i miss your awkwardness and your down-to-earth humour which isn't really down-to-earth, if you get what i mean.
liang/sim: crazy antics. keep up the messeduppedness and hope to see you pple soon.
jing: oxford beckons. go be an officer.
melly yeo: see below. (hehs). okay no seriously meelly yeo is someone i miss. thx for always standing by me. and it's always nice, the little chatting sessions, drawing on my worksheet. it's great u're happy with (See below) and yeah. it's wonderful lah. im happy for you. oh i want a hug. haha.
adriel/wenyi/etc: AC rocks. you pple are great, seriously.
mark: (see above). let's go jamming someday.
ben: pls dont' get drunk!!!! pls. hehs. plssss plsss!!. yah.
sida: BBTT!! it's great fun studying with ya. i hope we still keep in touch. rem the chocolates and stuff. keep eating them man. and u amaze me with ur bubbliness all the time lah. beammmerrr
zhuuuu: hello there ms "if pigs can't fly, zhu will try". i still remember the old days at jiang and the manic laughter which really made sat nights something to look forward to, wif ye lao shi and all tt, even if u were from sengkang north (hehs). anyway, i just wanna say, let's go out for a beer or something.
(sheesh there are still SO MANY PPLE)
noelle/addy: great knowing you too. u 2 r really nice pple. nolly lets play tennis soon.
aik/ivan/the 1c gang/andrew/jerry et al: you pple rock the scene. i've never seen a class this united, wif its own distinct personalities and so on.
yvette: ms touch rugby. it was really funny seeing you for the first time in RJC last time, and you actually thought i was (someone else id unno who) rite. okay anywae. ms c***ster, meet u for dinner some day ya. haha. u really are cock. haha. daryl would agree.
candice: hello ms glam girl with a merc and going around to UK and having so much damn fun. i envy you. haha. meet up some day yah.
sarah: hello there. u'll prolly never stumble across this blog, but then again....well. u're an angel in disguise. thx for the interesting songs. the safra-day songs, working wif ya for the batch song was a joy. thanks.
amanda g: meowww to you. you're really a special individual, a wonderfully creative person, thx for being nice, and helpful, and docile, and weird, and really being anything but boring. it's been a joy talking to ya coz its very entertaining. haha.
tiff: hello to you. haha. we must talk in person, but all the best to life, the As, don't worry too much abt all of tt. God'll provide. anyway, nice chatting on icq man. about so-and-so and so-and-so (you know who_). anyway take care. keep singing. hehs.

OTHER PPLE
jing: what can i say. haha. thanks to you for keeping me entertained, for the little window-shoppings and hoppings, urm, for entertaining me when adriel and mel were having their little tete-a-tete, for being a friend. hehs.
sam lim: great mate. thx for making sunday afternoons not so lonely,boring.
debbie: have fun in melbourne, and u were a great cg leader. =) not to mention a talk-matepal
nok: fidolido@!!
eleena/fen: hello ms best-friend-from-pre-u-seminar, thanks for snatching ben away from us! (the ac pple). anyway, no, seriously, you're a pile of needles, a wreck, a maniac, but u're a funny lil' smurf. hee hee. eleena the smurf. and hello fen. hope u aren't too traumatised by my antics. yups yups. have fun.

sheesh, who else is there?!!

okay nvm. just say hie next time, yups. am too tired to continue this!=)

see ya mates!









"since you went away, the nights seem long
and soon i'll hear old winter's song
but i miss you most, of all, my darling
when autumn leaves, start to fall"

Not having posted here for many weeks can mean several things--either, one, my life is too wrecked and too miserable to describe in words (which is really a ludricuous notion, because, well, what can possibly make Shawn's life so miserable, huh?), two, it's completely humdrum (which you wouldn't be surprised about, i believe)...still, the most likely explaination is that Shawn's just too plain lazy to go update a blog which no one reads anyway. you would't believe it, would you?

I'm listening to the classic 'Autumn Leaves'. The wonderful thing about the song is its simplicity. Four notes, three steps leading to one large leap, is a great recipe for a sublime melancholic experience. One imagines the turning of the seasons, sipping on martinis on a verendah watching the leaves fall, and thinking about people passing us by, and experiences that once were. And lovers lost to 'old winter's song'. It's such a warm dreamy feeling that we take along with us on our beach-walks. And at night, when we're at Holland Village sitting on the little bar-gates that used to block cars, there are people walking around. little couples, cute little couples, holding hands, and meeting old friends that once were. at haagen daaz, groups of friends laugh about silly old times, or about the latest gossip. where there was once human warmth in my life, though, all there is are just little autumn leaves, flaky and soon to be grey, waiting to be gathered and thrown away.

(actually)
I'm hard up because I'm stuck at home with no programs. It sucks. If you're free and you think you might enjoy my company you can always call me. coz this sucks. i'm trying to write songs but they suck. i'm trying to do something with my life but now it's just a bloody transistion point (not just adjusting to being a clerk and being in NS) but also because of my friends, the people i love, the people who walk around my life. they flit and fly back and forth to i-don't-know-where. it's a mess right now because i'm missing out on the plot, definitely.

I'm finally free!
After POP!
No more....

1. Stinky Sodexho FOOD!--> no more mutton kima.
2. My bunkmates's silly radio playing persistently day and night (literally)
3. Freezing ice cold showers
4. Waking up at 5.15, the unearthly hour
5. Doing smelly area cleaning aka feeding the mosquitos

i can't think of what else, I'd tell you some other time.

How nice it is to lie on your own pillow.

On another note, got MAS interview soon. Better be good.

So, well, praise God, the results were fine. 4 As, Merit for Econs S, and A2 for GP. pretty credible results, i must say,. Even though it wasn't a distinction, even though i'm only like 250 odd on the RJ list, it was about what i deserved. so there, i'm happy.

Seeing everyone back in school was quite an experience. Seeing people that were last seen on prom night, and how they've changed so much, even physically. jerald no longer looks patsy anymore. And for a while all that nervous energy resulted in a stoned me, looking around, waiting to be entered into conversation. It took a while for me to evolve from my docile, army-day-dream self back into this extroverted, full-of-personality individual that people who knew me back from the old days remember me as. Those old days when I was quite the life of the bunch. Those old days when people laughed at my jokes and I'd dominate conversation.

But that simply gave way to shyness and modesty, trying not to dominate, trying to make sure everyone's feelings were accomodated. Sometimes i think that's just useless. maybe people prefer me to be extroverted, out of point, cornily funny, intellectually off, rather than be calculated and cool. oh well. let's shock them again. Let's smile and show them my teeth again.

=)
GRINS...

BIG GRIN.

BIGGER GRIN!

Tomorrow is THE DAY. Tomorrow is the day when two years of my life will be, justified, or wasted. Either way, it will be an occassion to remember.
I pray that the results will be fine, I'll get what I deserve, and Lord please be gracious and merciful. Because, well, the As one of the greatest milestones in one's academic career. So please help me God.

SIGH. I pray I'll be fine. I'll be ecstastic with 4 As. Let's see what happens

Thank you Lord (even if I dont get 4 As, even if there are lots of Bs). All part of the plan anyway.

I just realised somehow that really it's all part of His plan.

had a really nice time last week when we went out for a nice jap meal, watched 'something's gotta give', hung around orchard and shopped at tangs. love watching movies. just makes me feel alive. orchard's great, i mean, sheesh, you begin to appreciate people. and, of course, people of the opposite sex.

sigh.

SCDF combo band's pretty cool, sigh, but i wish they'd play more recent songs. i mean, playing engelbert humberdick and all of that 70s stuff is a bit passe, rite? especially since we're already in 2004? sigh. but they're all supremely talented, i must say. it's nice to work with such talented people.

but camp's getting more slack. final exercise's over, and so mainly it's just maintanence, and the footdrill squad competition. everyone's just getting slack and tired and just waiting for BOP.
i can't wait, too.

ant's been really nice, colin too, and i got to know people like zuan kee, who's a nice mate to talk with, and some of the others like hybird's really funny, too. soo it's quite a nice platoon. but sigh sometimes we just get mad at each other. sigh.

happy birthday ant.

Another v-day wasted. I sit around thinking of the good times that couples could have and wonder why I am excluded from a deeper level of relationships than just pure platonicity. I'm sure I'll have the answers somehow, however far away they might be. I guess it's nice to be single and all that, just living my life hoping for the best and trusting in Him?

I'm really tired right now, had 2 uni interviews in a row, which really drains all the energy, even more so because you're practically talking much of the time being lively and all that. but seriously people from US unis that come back often return with a more cosmopolitian view of life--the jobs that they do are often regional, like working for advertising firms or as economic consultants, they talk about the stifling environment of the Singapore system, they laugh and talk and joke, and all of that's cool. it's just different, really, and if i manage to get into a US uni and get a scholarship I'll probably understand why there's so much difference between them and us.
or is it just an imagined one?
my interviewer from dartmouth was really cool, she's an NUS lecturer, yet in the interview we ended speaking of Singapore, which was quite amazing. about how stifling this whole thing is, should women do NS? what's bad abt americans? politics. the army and regimentation, and even race--our conclusion was that Singapore's actions of encouraging racial cohesion by celebrating different cultures and diversity through the singing of racial songs etc, might even be self-defeating, because people never realise how different they are in terms of races until you start educating them about the fact that I am of a different race from my malay friends. why can't we all just be, individuals? when i was young and playing soccer with malays and all that i never really had a clue that they weren't of the same race and thus excluded them, but it seems like when we grow older and teachers start telling you that you should unite and all that, that's when you start thinking about the differences and recognise that somehow i am chinese and you are malay and never the two shall mix. but when we were young and innocent we don't think about such things. it's only adults that seem to have this racial mentality fostered from their parents telling them how, for example, calculative indians are, or how laid-back malays are.

that's interviewing. not a set of questions that should be answered off the platter, but a free-for-all anything-goes philosophy. it's just like american education, says one interviewer, you can choose any courses you like, there are no fixed parameters, which is great; it means you can do anything you want with your life (but ultimately the responsibility falls solely on your shoulders).

this is depressing when you remember i have to go back to camp later on, and be bored stiff with marching exactly the same way, wearing the same clothes (except the underwear, of course), having the beds put the same way, and marching nicely, just to give an impression of order and discipline. true discipline isn't marching the same way etc, it's about an inner control of one's life in a situation of freedom. true self-discipline can only exist when the individual is free to do what he wants, only then can he have the opportunity to control himself. if he were in a system which controls him, he is never free to exercise that self-discipline. it wouldn't be self-discipline anymore (which stems from within), but an external discipline. so what happens when we all get out of NS--will we still manage to perpetuate the discipline we learnt from NS into our normal civillian life, or does that discipline die out from the moment we walk out of camp and we then revert back to our slothful ways? i find it amazing that, at home, i'm a total lazy slouch, my pants are thrown this way and that, because my reasoning is, since i have to be so neat etc at camp, i might as well be lazy and messy now, because i wouldn't have the opportunity to be lazy and messy in camp, am i right.
sheesh, people are different, why pretend they're not?

i was in a really tired dreamy state just now, and when i woke up i had memories of really weirdish dreams. one was a situation almost like dungeos and dragons where there were little monsters running around, which was kinda mad. the other one was quite funny--it was almost apocalyptic. a sudden cold winter wind swept all around Singapore, which meant that JC students that were about to go to school just suddenly froze there in ice. so i was part of a rescue team that went all around singapore pushing people (literally) into the school and operating the heaters so that they would defrost again. i remembered being at VJC and stuffing people into this hall. but ironically i didn't go to HCJC. i was like, crap that's too far away. what a weird dream. i even remembered the overhead bridge that i used, to go to darren's house--sigh. i must be going crazy.

i want to get to know her, but it's impossibly difficult. sigh.
1. to be too enthusiastic would frighten her off and make me sound like some form of a despo.
2. to be too laid back would mean totally losing out on the opportunity of getting to know her.

if you think you are the one, haha, y don't you message me or something. sheesh. or leave a note. but i dont' think she even noes. haha. sheesh.

but today's message was really good, and today's worship also, although the drummer was a bit fast. but no matter, it's the God-communication that's important, right, rather than the earthly atmosphere which only helps to faciliate it. but ultimately worship is about communicating in Spirit, and i think that's so important. what was nice was the responsive scripture reading, which was John 15:1-17. it is so apt and so relevant, especially now, because i was just thinking of how my destiny is to worship and love God--we were created for that purpose. this purpose is not apart from who i am--worship isn't something that takes the nature of a secondary action, away from the life I live, but, rather, is my source and my goal. it is who i am, my innermost being, which loves and worships God. it is not a sideline job, it is the fundemental root of my life. and the sooner i realise this, the sooner more things would be resolved. i do not care about the useless things of life now, writing songs, eating good food, etc, but i just want to grow spiritually and communicate with Him and serve.

the image that springs to mind is of a branch of God's vine bearing fruit, having leaves. away from God, on my own, i can do nothing, i can't bear fruit, but am left to decay and die, barren and withered. there is no water, no life through my veins. i have no identity--there is no fruit that has a distinctive taste, nor do the leaves have colour: i am simply just like any other dying tree. but when I am in Christ, i have the power that comes from God (through the 'veins' of the trees, so to speak). I am somebody, I have an identity. this is so important because i sometimes feel that, to love Christ etc is to forget myself. that, to an extent, is true, but the trick is that we're not forgetting ourselves, but really we're forgetting the earthly, fleshy desires which was disguised as human nature, but now we have fulfilled our original purpose to love and worship God. we have become who we we really meant to be. we have regained our original identity. sin made us a certain way, which we thought was who we really are, but then that was only the identity of sin; who we really are is inadvertantly tied back to our relationship with God. With Him there is an identity, there is that confidence to be who I really am, again, instead of being scared about the need to find acceptance. With Him there is a new-found joy and love and the removal of the fixation with things that I thought mattered, but now I chase things that are more important.

that is why i do not find a pressing need to find girlfriends just for the sake of it. that's why sometimes I don't find the need to try out every new experience and high. because the best experience is already that of God's love for me and i have already savoured it. nothing else can compare. i can try to explain this to people who advice me to go out and seek the world, etc, but really how can they understand?

God is love.

Sigh.
I'm really tired, because I did guard duty overnight (which was quite nice--peaceful serenity is a rare occasion in the army when everything you do is with your mates; sentry duty is actually fun), and after that had SCDF combo band practice again, so I'm really shacked now.

Anyway here are just some thoughts;-

1. In Christ, you have an identity; without Him, you are nothing. you cannot exist, or even be recognised, outside of Christ. In Christ, your character is formed and imprinted.
2. We were made to serve/love/worship Christ, that is our destiny. it makes God sad when we sin because, then, we don't have a relationship with Him. It's a two way thing. I think He enjoys our company.

just two thoughts.

tomorow's uni interviews, sian man!

Am having a little break in the middle of training: i come home and my parents are arguing. how nice. because i got into the combo band (provisionally) so i get wed nites out and fri nites out (to go back for sat morn training). now that's life. sleeping in your own bed, there's nothing like it.

it's nice to be home again.

seriously the band was really good, esp the guitarist and bassist. man, so fast, zai, and cool some more. oh well. if i weren't so tired i'll talk more, about the people in the camp, etc. but now it'll just have to be, adieu.

'moon river, wider than a mile...'