Haven't been blogging for very long, and my week's been filled with mugging. tuesday, mugged in school. wednesday went to play bball and later went to WS's house and then played pool later on at mambo before studying some econs. thursday was filled with more econs and later on some squash. today was completing econs and doing some math. so its not very fun life huh.

okay.
nvm
waht i wanted to say was, dreamz fm's song 'should i stay' is really brilliant, esp. for a local song. it has melody. it's sing-able, and the vocals and instrumentation all suit it pretty well. this is finally good local music. sigh. been a-waiting for a long time

I have to be able to feel, language, the subtle connotations of every choice word, savouring it like a choice morsel, and understanding why the author portrays the story in such a way. Literature is concerned with the 'How', the techniques and the ways that an author would craft a work of art, in order to fit its themes. such is the key to unravelling the mystery of literature. sigh. math and lit just don't mix, one is so accurate and so precise and so methodical, while the other is littered with so many shades of meaning.

'he is no fool'...so true, so true. Lord help me to give my all to You, and where You lead i will follow, if You send me. the musical was great, a few weak parts but certainly some really touching moments. yeah. even while being an armchair critic, i was distinctly moved. haha. that was nice. good stuff. for what use would it be for me to gain the whole world but lose my soul?

i have to realise a few things. that God is ultimately in control of my life and nothing can stop that. there is nothing in my life that God hasn't planned for--and the daily bread message that cited the Bible just said it, that tribulation brings perserverence, and perseverence brings character. yeah how true. so i just have to realise that each little trial is part of the growing up process. there isn't any accident in my life that God has missed out, oh, suddenly, oops, that's it, you know, i made a mistake, no-no-no, nothing like that, but He's faithful, so faithful to me. thank you...like all things work out for good for those who love Him, you know, for those who are called according to His purposes.

You did not wait for me to cry out to You...and I'm forever grateful to You

Being so miserable without God just makes me wonder about all the people who don't have God in their lives. i mean, you know you might think it's fluff but really it makes a whole lot of difference, being away from Him or being with Him. no more do you feel lonely, or angry, or frustrated, but you are joyful and happy, you can talk to people, you feel at ease and at peace. it's not like your'e selling-out, but actually He complements your life, after all He made your life! i mean, think about your life. what do you want out of every passing moment? do you know where you're going? or do you really feel so lonely at times? i do, when i am so far away from Him, and that's why i feel so lonely, and how about those who don't even know where He is? go find Him, i really pray, go find Him. Please, no one has to be miserable. hell isn't just about physical suffering, it's about seperation with your Maker, with your Redeemer, with God, that is the real painful thing, really.

'i dont' want to wait, for our lives to be over'--> i'm serious. sometimes it's just too late. why wait.


i'm trying to sell my guitar, on a lighter note. it's a yellow-black les paul junior special, selling for about sgd 600-700, negotiable. condition still good. 1 year old. 2 humbuckers, 2 p-100s. gibson. wanna get a tele or soemthing. haha.

=)

okay will see you sometime. bye.

shawn.
have fun!

I NEED to get out of the house, man, i'm just dying inside, and being unproductive studying. it's much better to go to coffee bean and finish loads of notes or something sigh.
had a really weird dream yesterday, something exotically oriental. i dreamt i was in hongkong, or was it shanghai [i've never been there actually] and we were at a hotel, and there were lovely attractions like a game thing when you like control robots to fight, or something, and also a nice buffet spread that had sushi and exotic abalone and other stuff, and other little attractions in the hotel. and later on it turned out to be this military cop chase....so weird. like how my friend and i managed to snuff out some rebel by disguising myself as his friend while the other person climbed through the roof access! it's so weird!

oh crap i even dreamt i was racing a formula one car around a circuit and boy did i do so badly! i think it was a really small circuit, almost like a stadium. sigh the things you dream of.

and there was even a stupid chinese song 'sheng shui yue' or soemthing playing in the background. irritants. woke up feeling really strange. chinese. eeks

hacving a bad stomach ache now.

I'm on the upward mend, hopefully. been in a funk the whole day man. it's like, thinking so much, and worrying sick, and trying to mend myself, and being restless, taking ventolin shots, thinking abt getting cancer in the lungs and all that. my word it was hellish, simply hellish. in the end i decided to sleep. woke up, went to the doctor's, sigh, but he assured us that it was just some muscular thing and more psychological anxiety than anything, and din charge us! so nice of him.

yeah so now you know what i'm so relaxed. It's so nice to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, the glorious melodic strains of music, or just a simple spaghetti, or you know talking with friends. just not thinking so much. no wonder oscar wilde said 'happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know', because it is, empirically! when you keep thinking so much, you just get yourself all worked up, and you don't realise that life is a natural, organic construct and not an artificial logical one, as the book 'hard times' should have told me long ago. in fact when you don;'t think thats when you're the happiest. its no wonder no one is happy during exam times, coz they're always thinking and trying to remember. i guess the only solution is to think, but only about school work, and use your heart for the rest of the time. because life ultimately is about the heart and the feelings, not the thoughts! listening to music is the same thing. if we'd just listen organically without thinking about the notes, and like what patterns it forms, or whether the 'so' is sharp or flat, then how much happier we'd be! because that just seems to be so evident.

its being able to appreciate silence without trying to fill the silence with some stupid thought running through your head.

it's what the GP passage said. when one expects too much out of life, one is never satisfied. sigh, so true, so true.

okay just dont think. don't think. haha.

okay God i'm coming back please be with me. you know that's y thinking is not good, coz thinking is using man's own wisdom to supplant the natural order: but not thinking then allows for a divine intervention that is much better. okay this sounds really primitive to those so-called academics out there but who cares. i'm a human being, not a debating machine or something.

yups. thinking is not good. conclusion no 1 for the day.

i'm a wreck. in total limbo. i need rescuing. nothing to say.

i'm trying to find some way that i can talk to you but there's nothing i can do. sigh. you don't care about me anyhow so there's nothing left to say.


though i played tennis pretty well yesterday, just returning well and getting a nice srtoke on the ball. gp paper was quite good and i was super on-form and hyper and later on i was so hyper after lit it was nice but that's that and it degenerated into this mess after that. a spinning insect, without a sense of life.

just played the piano with wen en just now...with our lovely young audience of one...duana. haha. wells. wen en played his version of 'mary had a little lamb', which was rather interesting coz it was minor, and in 3/4, and well he just loves to pervert songs! i still remember his 'be thou my dildo' really long ago, but this one was about the sheep who was black and who killed the farmer. sigh. but it was quite a nice melody i thought. oh wells. some tori amos too. wah that was nice, just spending ur time in the music room away from society playing the piano, how quaint. how bourgeois. too bad my piano never sounded that good. ahhh. we played 'nobody cares', lyrics by him and music by me...man that one has great potential i must add....haha i like it. okay nvm. stop gushing....there was a piano piece he wrote that was quite nice also, and i tried my little tunes that i'm gonna add for my classical symphonic tone poem, the 2nd theme and the 3rd theme....man actually it sounds good on the piano also! wen en wants a piano concerto or something..haha that piano probably sounds nicer than the pianist. gees. its like, all of a sudden you're chopin1 haha fat hope=)

okay nvm. i woke up feeling really really weird, coz i just had this weird dream of being at a buffet, and like there were clams going for $1, and mr reeves and purvis were there, and like they had a bottle of wine, and like they didn't want to share any of it with me! how horrible! so i was like throwing my tantrum all over, and like being such a bitch to my parents, to my dad and my mum, and we were like quarreling, in church, and being just a foul-mouthed belligrent boy. my word. when i woke up it was so weird coz i dreamt i quarreled rite, so you could imagine how weird it was to be talking to my mum in the morning. sigh.

the key is in the 'La', the subdominant. it must be tuned perfectly. if not nothing really works haha.

though yesterday it was really nice. it's so nice when the Holy Spirit is with you [the Spirit is always with you, it's just that i guess sometimes you know its more? haha dunno]. it's like, i don't know how to describe it. it's like, joy overflowing from your heart, you laugh, and you just can't help smiling, and everything is beautiful and you're just so happy and you wanna dance and clap and sing 'from the mountains, to the valleys, hear our praises, rise to You' and so on. sigh. it is so nice. the quiet time passage was something from romans about Jesus interceding for us, and how the Spirit intercedes for us. rather nice i guess. and how God already knows whats in our hearts and answers our prayers. how nice eh. yeahh.

today could beat sunday! great day! just super hyper throughout, just didn't really care....didn't have my mind play tricks on me, no self-consciousness, just a nice little feeling, being vivacious and all! yeah...i mean thats' the life, the simple life. no need for all that reflection, that insecurity, and all that. but let's just live. sitting back reflecting's the most stupid thing in the world, coz you spend all your time reflecting you've forgotten to live. yeah yeah. hello. nice nice.

just had this bad headache, but this song 'loving you' by minnie rippleton just made it so nice and fuzzy so i'm really okay now. thats really good. haha. music as a metaphor for spiritual well-being or something, so shakespeare says.

yesterday's class gathering was not bad actually...really cool to see so many teachers together. haha. eating and laughing. not bad...sigh.=)

If any day could beat yesterday, today might be it! Woke up real late, but like got to church in time. had real good time with churchmates playing pool and stuff, and it was nice coz well for the first time I wasn't really self-conscious, you know, like, okay bugger I'm in and you know I don't care! Yeah that was probably a more comfortable attitude to take.

my mind just worked pretty well, hehs. seems like getting the melody back. i can sorta hear chords now, again, when i'm writing tunes, and its nice coz then its more natural, i guess. was really productive today: wrote a party tune, a boyband song thats not bad, a J-rock styled piece, and i don't know what else...hehs. watching VMA was really cool coz it was so bouncy and stuff and gee madonna and hollywood....wow. and later on man u got trashed (oh only 1-0) well how better can it get? its like, gimme back the rhythm, man!

gee i love being well. thank God i'm well. hopefully. eeks.

Sigh. another day has passed by, and the funny thing was that I dreamt abt chatting with so-and-so on icq. was really weird, rite.
=) but i mean sometimes you wonder, why weren't you in acjc? i mean, the kind of fun they're having, the simple, unadulerated fun and like sitting with my church friends making loads of noise in swensen's, singing 'answer the phone' and just being stupid. haha. sigh. guess i was neverr a true intellectual you know, in rjc. you're surrounded with people who can articulate themselves and all and you wonder how you can gain their respect, but you're never going to be like them, so i guess i have to be true to myself.

It's about crying, and letting life touch your inner soul again, and feel every emotion fill your heart and your entire body, that had been missing for so long. It's about real people and real emotions, no naff namby-pamby clap-your-hands we're all happy populist-pop. It's the genuineness of human relations and emotions, no fake trying-to-be-cool and blend-in mindset, but really just to see people as people, as individuals. It's a comforting melancholy--knowing that life has its joys and sorrows and yet there's a hope that things will be better.

It's the change in mindset that I need so badly, to move away from ideas and intellectual arguments, just to see people as people, being affectionate again, just to hug and smile. To write music that is uplifting, that is genuine, that has real emotion, that has so much emotional energy to touch your inner being, instead of letting the music just wash over you. to really love others, love God, and to be a person of genuineness. I mean when you listen to songs like 'The Scientist' and the organicity of it all, it just makes you want to cry, and be nice to people again.

sigh. i feel like Henchard sometimes. just so isolated. but thank God there are still little friends around.

Today's SES message was really good. It was the story of Lazarus, Martha and Mary in Bethany with Jesus, and how Mary poured the expensive perfume that was worth a year's wages on Jesus' feet. John chapter 12 i think. And pastor talked about the many ways we can show love to God, be it serving (Martha), talking(Lazarus), or doing what Mary did. It was about extravagant love, as Mary showed, doing what Jesus called a 'beautiful thing', out of the gratitude of their hearts for the resurrection of Lazarus. That extravagant display of love, is from abundance, of splendour and beauty, is what one would call 'first class', not out of mere adequacy, but going out-of-the-way, giving Him the first fruits. After all in heaven, aren't the streets paved with gold? Extravagance? But God deserves the best!

SIgh. I feel changed. okay let's hope this keeps up!

some energy is good, thank you very much. yeah. i don't know i think i've lost the spark that kept me going. sigh. God please help. ugh. you know you try to remember moments that you thought were the most important and most happy, and you can't find it, and it's alll gone...and you're left floudering....and you have no confidence in yourself. i don't know. why do i feel this way?
sigh. but it's coming back, really. today's SES concert was uplifting, and it was fun to play also, coz it was nice performing and you know ministering with music. well. it was nice yeahh. coz the whole day had been rather sucky.

i hate having this cough that just won't go away, it's so irritating, coz you can't laugh, nor talk, coz every time you want to laugh
or talk you end up coughing. and for one who talks a great deal it's so difficult not to talk, you noe?

had this really cool dream....i'd just wish it were reality. you know it was like having fun back with my old classmates, sitting at a table talking, and later on it was so cool coz i was in the canteen when someone, let's just call the person X, came to me and started chatting with me and the person knew my name and i knew the person's! and it was like, going to help this guy on some math problem [think it was how to find the normal distribution from the table...haha sigh such dreams, eh] and later on talking with me one on one and something...crap....but then when i went to sch..sigh...its like...the person never knew whu i was! sigh. just ignored. kena. jialat....damn pissed. argh. spoilt my day lah...thats the way to spoil my day, go ahead man..=)

sigh. going back to ac...everyone being a bitch but mervlyn was really nice....yeah. she's cool. i dunno. so MG. haha.

i'm back to writing pop music. good pop music. i'd craft 10 songs. watch this space.

it's nice to be dreamy, floating around, but after all you have to get back to reality, back to earth. you've gotta snap out of it after a while and let life affect you.

i love cough mixture, it makes you all nice and dizzy and dreamy. you just lie there, floating around in a world of your own, where angels dance and flowers buzz, and it's so funny when fangorn in lor dof the rings is talking. oh well. it is a dream-like existence, and very soon i shall reenter that nice little world on my pillow. dreaming of life, in the future, yes, when all things are nice and friendly and the bad things have passed away. and it is so beautiful and so, simple. yeah, the simple things of life. heh. i sound rather unintelligent but then it's easier and nicer being unintelligent and simple. ah. it is a nice world, yes.

today was a great day, despite the fact that i was hoarse for most of the time. it started off quite well with some badminton-playing, before it got quite nice in class [sigh, why didn't this happen long time ago =P] with the chatting and stuff, and for the fact that i did quite okay in the math test, and break was not bad coz me eye-candy was therE! haha okay no wells. uhrm it was nice to be with everyone again i think, i was quite lonely over the hols. my my i have to really study for italy, i'm like tons behind, and like getting intellectually high and stimulated from mugging italy, and frantically doing my econs mcqs and revising the econs in my head from long long back, wow wow wow. then i went up to the library to do more italy, and do the math paper from acjc, but did a bit only coz really no time and gotta mug history haha well i'm going mad haha.
but craps i haven't finished! i'm really slow..sigh sigh

oh later on we had this practise session for SES and it was not bad, the piano-touch was there...the improvisaiton and the touch....and the real fun bit was later on, when we jammed this really cool thing...it was just jamming and improvising on one chord, yeah like Dm all the way for like 32-bars or more...then moving up to Em and stuff...so it was more a modal kind of improvisation, something you'd hear from 'kind of blue' and it was really nice! =) haha. yeah. that was good too

Thank you God! urhm i said i wanted my day to be happy yeah it is haha. thank you.

today was the epitome of sian-ism. of really just doing nothing. of just lying around and slacking, or watching the tv, or i don't know...play 'part of your world' over and over again. that was a brilliant track [alan menken/howard ashman] , and its really incredible how these pple write those songs. coz the lyrics are so good, and the music fits perfectly and is so...i dunno, charming. yeah. so. that was really nice. but other than that nothing really seems to work, SES concert practise sucked like 'ell and eveyrthing was a mess and all that. yuckss...
hate it.
nvm.

=)

my word, oasis are kick-ass awesome! was watching 'familiar to millions' and when they played supersonic and everyone was dancing up and down, i mean, u'd wish u were noel gallagher for a bit! haha. their cocky lad-anthem culture and stuff, that prodding beat. hmms.
but seriously those pple who say writing blogs is stupid is quite true. i mean it's really quite rubbish sometimes, i mean, one has a tendency to compare what wer'e living now to that day in the blog, to the past, and forget that each moment is a uniquely distinct moment of its own, so go ahead and live it, instead of trying to remember the past.

not bad. wrote lots and lots of songs today...one really slow-sultry song abt being a bird and stuff, ah wells. it's not rock and roll but then again it's nicely oldish-american, gershwin-style without the jazz. and an oasis-eque song but then i was too tired to continue already. couldn't sleep.

yesterday's dream was about playing pool. weird.

hi all. man i'm just down with the flu, yesterday was really bad, i just died halfway through econs and math test and stuff and went home early, popped panadol, and plunged into bed, which was much better than nothing, drinking fruit juice and water all day long. so today i'm not in school, it's a wed after all i have PE so that won't do alot o' good, would it?
been reading the papers, and looking at the 'composers of the future' or something like that oN Life...now there is that guy, philip tan his name was, and my friend and i were discussing his credentials, coz he was the same guy that wrote the music for our community service project song and my did it suck! my word. coz i wrote the music already but they insisted it had to be one-one (we write the lyrics they write the music) so in the end the tune was wasted, damnit. argh. you know what...yeah i mean he just received a DBS commendation award! my word, singapore is really desperate for composers man. geez.
crap was just continuing the little 'suite of our lives' classical piece...the tone poem thinggi. gonna start the second subject soon! yeah! i'm so happy it took really long to get there. and when i woke up my brain was a fuzz, but hey i could tell you what C was, and what F was, and what A was!~ that was nice, for a change, from the cluelessness of trying to figure out notes. argh. wrote some tunes, not very good but i'm sick, so who cares. yeah who cares. argh. haha.
wells.

My word, today's music practice was really good! my rhythm sense was so on, my piano touch was so there, and the fills and riffs were all musical and lovely, thank God. and particularly robin mark's 'revival' was just so rhythmical and so rockish it was like drums beating on your head and bringing the song to a climax and the majesty and power of the rhythms and chords that go together as one in straight rhythm is just so stunning.

and besides, today was a much better day than yesterday, thank you Lord. i slept well, i believe. and it was good because of well, good things!

did some math. haha. not much time left huh.

crap i'm in such a fuzz. i'm getting all frustrated and only beauty and art and God can save me but I'm so sinful anyway and mebbe He's testing me, argh. im a wreck. seriously. been all stressed out and artificially engineered throughout the day it just kills me....
it's this endless spiral that kills me and wrecks me. it's as though there's two parts of my mind fighting. the good and the bad, the dr jekell and mr hyde in me. and they are struggling real bad, and sometimes hyde wants to take over.
sigh
i'm not even articulate, but i can't be. i'm too busy. i have too many things to do. ahhhh.

today was both a whirl and a fuzz! school was rather alright. i was just going crazy! you know, like, being the weird noisy crazy ol' me that's been gone for too long! yeah!

crap when that happens my musical mind is like a mess. intonation is all off. crap man.!
never mind.
trade off ah.