people have this stupid idea that, oh, if you train hard enough, you'll succeed. they can just go kiss their own behinds or something (in very diplomatic language if u like). and if u dun succeed its because u didn't try. i mean. oh. so if u are stupid its coz u din read any books when u were young. if u are tone deaf, too bad, try and try, and u'll succeed. oh listen to mozart. very good use. so the poor have to just find some work to do and they'll lead a comfortable life, and if we only try, well done! well done! silly american idea. well done. go tell that to the man living on the streets and see if you'll live to stroll past the next corner. i seriously seriously doubt it, but you could try. well done. i'll congratulate you if u make it through.

note the irony. of course some pple would ask me what irony is. well go and try your darndest to find out. don't succumb to another irony.

the world is ironic. listening to 'the rainbow connection' by sarah mclachlan while being seriously bitter is really ironic but it works. it's the fuel for the fire.

so i'm going in early for napfa, i'm not very happy about it. but all you get is Mr Macey comments. well done. i mean. i never do that to people never never never. seriously. just gets on my nerves. bitterness. no wonder there are so many people unhappy in the world. because people hardly realise how their words have an effect on other's feelings.

well i'm raring for a fight. i've already got my retorts ready. in fact some of them are quite priceless.

"im just afraid to confront my demons when they arise"--> and the person thought i was being serious abt it! u see how some pple can't see irony? sigh tsk tsk
"its all the truth. i'm a lazybum and the world knows it."--> of course of course.
"i told u, that test, they aborted it, coz they couldn't get a reading, okay?so if i drop dead and faint unconscious u can tell the world abt it"--> i wanted to say, you could write a will, but then again i would be tempting destiny to say it. God wouldn't be very happy. so even though i'm pisssed i'm not going to sin okay.
sigh its like saying. if u're tone deaf its ur fault. haha. tell that to ****or. if ur'e stupid its ur own fault, whu asked u never to read a book when you're young!?"
--> reminds me of my parents speaking to my lil brother. haha. well.

"Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see


Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me


Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see


Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me"

sigh. hate going to NS early coz of stupid nafta. will have to find a way of getting just 2.22 on the jump and on the run!!!! argh!

the good thing is, they'll allow me to bring a guitar in! which means i can still sing and write and play haha. fat hope. as if they'll be time. haha.

=)

played LAN today, and pool. whacked jinwei's ass. okay not really lah but aiya. lan was really stupid. played bball today which was ridiculous. could only play point/defence, din even make a shot! sigh. and like everyone was making 20, 30 pts. sigh. embarassing. listening to nirvana now, and they're really good!

went to see all the guitars at Luther. hmms. the squier tele is not bad. nice chordal tone, the leads have sting, but then its a bit twangy, u lose a little bit of the low-end bite. and there's a bit of fret buzzing problem and we'll have to try to rectify that.
i took a look at the hamer...not sure whether that'll work also.

i really want a jagmaster man, the one kurt cobain used to play. haha

i woke up feeling good. thats nice thats nice.

Yay! Happy days are here again! Yay yay yay! save for the econs S paper. haha. well its nice for a little break just before the 'A's, i'd imagine. can't go back to studying yet. will catch up with some jamming, some movie outings, some pool, some talking to pple and catching up with them, yeahhhhh. sigh. i'm s glad the A level prelims are over! Overall i think i really have to thank the Lord for helping me through this mess i mean like for the energy and strength to do this well, like philippians said, 'I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength' and it's nice to be able to count on that.

Well, so we went to orchard today, and officially 'Life in Mexico' is the worse movie ever! I mean how more stupid can a show get? you have lines like, ' i don't think, i drink', haw haw haw. very funny indeed. *puke*. it was a joke, thats why it was funny. played pool later on, getting my touch back hopefully. ahhhh.

actually today's econs paper was quite okay, thank God. no careless mistakes so far for mcq, hopefully can get A. aiya. see how.....and that girl is so pretty! ahhh hahaha okay nvm=) she's quite pretty what. okay nvm. eye candy is good for you=) aiya i feel like talking to her or smiling but aiyaaaaaaaa shyyy.....=) ssshhh keep quiet. its oh so quiet, ssshh ssssh its oh so still, ssssh ssssh and so peaceful until!! you fall in love, ...=) (not me lah, its just the lyrics)

shall i continue writing my stupid symphonic tone poem? i just might. it's quite a nice thing and it was stuck in my head for a little while. oh and yeah there was tori amos' silent all these years playing also. not bad, not bad.

its nice to be able to sleep again soundly without worrying about the prelims.yeah. sleeping sound is good.

I'm currently on the road to 4Bs, hoepfully, but it could be an A 2 Bs and 1 C-E, or osmething, depending on math, and trying for an econs A. sigh. it's really tiring, and i just want to get over this phase. tomorow we'll be going out after the exams, freedom! wow. i'm so happy, even in expectation. haha.

shawn

life is hard.

Just came back from lunch at Al Dente with Wen en, and just after math! which was okay...stats...just trying to scrap a B, hopefully stats aint' careless.

the weird thing was my dream. it was just some weird dream about being late for math, but another even weirder dream, but it's not in the good sense of me to divulge it. haha. maybe privately. hmm. it's probably 'cuz i could hardly sleep yesterday, being fed on coffee and coffee through the history papers.. ahhh.

and today there were so many cute gals running around in RJC! man. haha. wells..=) sigh. *wistful look*. should i go talk to her? haha . but you might think, who's her? well there are lots of hers, mind you. =)

ahhh. i'm back to being lively again. just carefree. There's no thoughtful deliberation about what to do and all that, but rather I'm just feeding on my instincts. Oh, and trying to lose weight. ahhh thats y pasta today's more than enough, even though i'm hungry as a hunter, still. haha.

Just had some herbs soup, can't sleep. shall study a bit.
hmms. we just had Cell, and the nice thing was coming together again with real friends that share the same perspective, which is God-centered, and having a common fellowship. it's been 2 months since we had CG, and how we needed it. sigh. but it ended up as a talk session about the youth and all that. which was. aiya. never mind. hopefully we get some bible study done=)

i realised something. that its really ironic, life is. which is why i shouldn't keep trying consciously to write a song. it's really stupid. life doesn't work the way one thinks it does, that if you focus your mind you can do it. it really works the other way round sometimes, particularly with art, that when you don't realise it you could do much better. just like dickens says ,'if only he had learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might teach more!' so true. in fact i've been taking stock, and i realised that all the good little songs that i have [or better ones amidst the junk] were all written not-seriously. runaway now was in the toilet. 'autumn' was supposed to be a protest song initially and it started when i just woke up and was playing some chords and singing the melody to myself. 'nobody cares' was written on the bus stop and at raffles town club playing snooker. 'happy' was just another strum-the-guitar and sing song. no real sit-down and, oh, look,i must write a song. that's so stupid. i just have to live my life and eventually i'll have things to sing about.

Now I know how James Harthouse felt , nothing to do in the world, just lazing around. I was even bored enough to open up the mozart sonata songbook to play some mozart! his first sonata in C is typically sparky, then i played the last one...more subdued... in the end i just played the sonata in C, the familar 'do mi so ti-do-ti-do' u noe that one. yah..aiya just trying to sight read the entire thing....I ended up writing a piano-styled ballad that was supposed to mimic X-Japan, coz i jsut hate the thing, and man it's so easy to write. u just have this descending chord prog and you keep repeating it all the way...gangwei says it sounds like 'endless rain', well it's meant to sound like them, sorry. haha. it's not a serious song=) later on i ended up playing guitar, watching TV, just to relieve myself of all the boredom. sigh. playing more piano later on....the mozart andante in A major sonata...some other songs just to cheer me-self up....'be magnified' by Don Moen, great song. it's so uplifting, and just what I want to say. ahhh. mozart sounds great on the piano. his orchestration is just so balanced, and melodies so precise and clear and balanced and melodic and flowing...it's like the piano is singing, and the tonalities are so balanced and clear. but of course it'll be great if the piano was just-tempered. sigh. my usual grouse again. i bet i couldn't tell the difference anyway.

sigh i have to get a new guitar. my old guitar's creaking, and u just can't play for 5 minutes without it being out of tune again! silly.

so one week of exams have passed,but frankly all the pressure comes before the exams. i'm strangely subdued during the exam week, it's almost like holidays. yet i still have to study 2 topics of paper 3. irritating. so far, econs was alright, lit was alright, i'm so glad it's over, history was alright, math was bad. but then again math is always bad. hope it isn't too bad.

sigh. it's bad. studying for lit now. still can't finish. had a really weird dream about me trying to get e attention of a girl who was in the same clasroom [she happened to be, she's not in my class] by kicking the teacher and talking to the teacher alot. sigh. but she just didn't care. haha. so apt=). played some snooker just now, which was really sucky at the start but slowly got more into the groove, i guess.

anyway, just some great new songs for all to listen to.

1. travis: re-offender
2. dido: white flag
3. dreamz fm: should i stay
4. starsailor: silence is easy

Today not so good. sigh. lit wasn't that impressive, and i kept having songs stuck in my head, from beyonce's 'crazy in love' to some of my own songs. sigh. stupid. tsk. like so sleepy.

am raging now. sigh. seems like i can't get the tele after all. what a stupid thing to rage about. but you see wannabe pop stars with their stupid guitars that cost a million bucks and like they can't even play and you tell me is that fair. ahhhh... ragingg now, but i'll be fine later on. sigh. i can't stay raging and angry for too long, which is bad, coz i can't write a raging song. haha. but well. you know. yeah. i mean i used to be really full of rage last time but i guess i'm mellowed down alot as Christianity has probably brought me to realise the important things of life and the Spirit calms me down more often i guess. but then again. sigh. mebbe i'm getting soft. haha. it all depends on your point of view. i happen to think it's an improvement, you just lose a few things about life.

lit was a killer. i just hope i did fine.

In high spirits today, maybe coz i got to go home early to sleep. haha. econs paper was pretty okay, hopefully can do reasonably well. math was quite die, i think i'm consigned to a B or worse. history was so-so, but you'd never know, especially for essay papers.
in high spirits. listening to weezer's 'keep fishin'', simple pop punk music that's so catchy and so fun haha so cool. been writing quite alot of songs today. two songs...one that's really simple and 'major', just a basic 1-4-5-4-5 chord prog with just a fun melody. i can imagine the guitars jangling and twangling in the background....you know, telecasters just giving that good old rhythms....wanna get a tele man, that kinda sound, is really cool. so rhythmical and so full and yet so catchy and jangly. who says it's just for country music? [i could change the pickups and it'll make allt he difference].....yheah wana get a tele. got any to sell? haha the other song is more pop/boybandish lah. haha. sigh i'm unabashedly pop, it's embarassing sometimes.

Haven't been blogging for very long, and my week's been filled with mugging. tuesday, mugged in school. wednesday went to play bball and later went to WS's house and then played pool later on at mambo before studying some econs. thursday was filled with more econs and later on some squash. today was completing econs and doing some math. so its not very fun life huh.

okay.
nvm
waht i wanted to say was, dreamz fm's song 'should i stay' is really brilliant, esp. for a local song. it has melody. it's sing-able, and the vocals and instrumentation all suit it pretty well. this is finally good local music. sigh. been a-waiting for a long time

I have to be able to feel, language, the subtle connotations of every choice word, savouring it like a choice morsel, and understanding why the author portrays the story in such a way. Literature is concerned with the 'How', the techniques and the ways that an author would craft a work of art, in order to fit its themes. such is the key to unravelling the mystery of literature. sigh. math and lit just don't mix, one is so accurate and so precise and so methodical, while the other is littered with so many shades of meaning.

'he is no fool'...so true, so true. Lord help me to give my all to You, and where You lead i will follow, if You send me. the musical was great, a few weak parts but certainly some really touching moments. yeah. even while being an armchair critic, i was distinctly moved. haha. that was nice. good stuff. for what use would it be for me to gain the whole world but lose my soul?

i have to realise a few things. that God is ultimately in control of my life and nothing can stop that. there is nothing in my life that God hasn't planned for--and the daily bread message that cited the Bible just said it, that tribulation brings perserverence, and perseverence brings character. yeah how true. so i just have to realise that each little trial is part of the growing up process. there isn't any accident in my life that God has missed out, oh, suddenly, oops, that's it, you know, i made a mistake, no-no-no, nothing like that, but He's faithful, so faithful to me. thank you...like all things work out for good for those who love Him, you know, for those who are called according to His purposes.

You did not wait for me to cry out to You...and I'm forever grateful to You

Being so miserable without God just makes me wonder about all the people who don't have God in their lives. i mean, you know you might think it's fluff but really it makes a whole lot of difference, being away from Him or being with Him. no more do you feel lonely, or angry, or frustrated, but you are joyful and happy, you can talk to people, you feel at ease and at peace. it's not like your'e selling-out, but actually He complements your life, after all He made your life! i mean, think about your life. what do you want out of every passing moment? do you know where you're going? or do you really feel so lonely at times? i do, when i am so far away from Him, and that's why i feel so lonely, and how about those who don't even know where He is? go find Him, i really pray, go find Him. Please, no one has to be miserable. hell isn't just about physical suffering, it's about seperation with your Maker, with your Redeemer, with God, that is the real painful thing, really.

'i dont' want to wait, for our lives to be over'--> i'm serious. sometimes it's just too late. why wait.


i'm trying to sell my guitar, on a lighter note. it's a yellow-black les paul junior special, selling for about sgd 600-700, negotiable. condition still good. 1 year old. 2 humbuckers, 2 p-100s. gibson. wanna get a tele or soemthing. haha.

=)

okay will see you sometime. bye.

shawn.
have fun!

I NEED to get out of the house, man, i'm just dying inside, and being unproductive studying. it's much better to go to coffee bean and finish loads of notes or something sigh.
had a really weird dream yesterday, something exotically oriental. i dreamt i was in hongkong, or was it shanghai [i've never been there actually] and we were at a hotel, and there were lovely attractions like a game thing when you like control robots to fight, or something, and also a nice buffet spread that had sushi and exotic abalone and other stuff, and other little attractions in the hotel. and later on it turned out to be this military cop chase....so weird. like how my friend and i managed to snuff out some rebel by disguising myself as his friend while the other person climbed through the roof access! it's so weird!

oh crap i even dreamt i was racing a formula one car around a circuit and boy did i do so badly! i think it was a really small circuit, almost like a stadium. sigh the things you dream of.

and there was even a stupid chinese song 'sheng shui yue' or soemthing playing in the background. irritants. woke up feeling really strange. chinese. eeks

hacving a bad stomach ache now.

I'm on the upward mend, hopefully. been in a funk the whole day man. it's like, thinking so much, and worrying sick, and trying to mend myself, and being restless, taking ventolin shots, thinking abt getting cancer in the lungs and all that. my word it was hellish, simply hellish. in the end i decided to sleep. woke up, went to the doctor's, sigh, but he assured us that it was just some muscular thing and more psychological anxiety than anything, and din charge us! so nice of him.

yeah so now you know what i'm so relaxed. It's so nice to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, the glorious melodic strains of music, or just a simple spaghetti, or you know talking with friends. just not thinking so much. no wonder oscar wilde said 'happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know', because it is, empirically! when you keep thinking so much, you just get yourself all worked up, and you don't realise that life is a natural, organic construct and not an artificial logical one, as the book 'hard times' should have told me long ago. in fact when you don;'t think thats when you're the happiest. its no wonder no one is happy during exam times, coz they're always thinking and trying to remember. i guess the only solution is to think, but only about school work, and use your heart for the rest of the time. because life ultimately is about the heart and the feelings, not the thoughts! listening to music is the same thing. if we'd just listen organically without thinking about the notes, and like what patterns it forms, or whether the 'so' is sharp or flat, then how much happier we'd be! because that just seems to be so evident.

its being able to appreciate silence without trying to fill the silence with some stupid thought running through your head.

it's what the GP passage said. when one expects too much out of life, one is never satisfied. sigh, so true, so true.

okay just dont think. don't think. haha.

okay God i'm coming back please be with me. you know that's y thinking is not good, coz thinking is using man's own wisdom to supplant the natural order: but not thinking then allows for a divine intervention that is much better. okay this sounds really primitive to those so-called academics out there but who cares. i'm a human being, not a debating machine or something.

yups. thinking is not good. conclusion no 1 for the day.

i'm a wreck. in total limbo. i need rescuing. nothing to say.

i'm trying to find some way that i can talk to you but there's nothing i can do. sigh. you don't care about me anyhow so there's nothing left to say.


though i played tennis pretty well yesterday, just returning well and getting a nice srtoke on the ball. gp paper was quite good and i was super on-form and hyper and later on i was so hyper after lit it was nice but that's that and it degenerated into this mess after that. a spinning insect, without a sense of life.

just played the piano with wen en just now...with our lovely young audience of one...duana. haha. wells. wen en played his version of 'mary had a little lamb', which was rather interesting coz it was minor, and in 3/4, and well he just loves to pervert songs! i still remember his 'be thou my dildo' really long ago, but this one was about the sheep who was black and who killed the farmer. sigh. but it was quite a nice melody i thought. oh wells. some tori amos too. wah that was nice, just spending ur time in the music room away from society playing the piano, how quaint. how bourgeois. too bad my piano never sounded that good. ahhh. we played 'nobody cares', lyrics by him and music by me...man that one has great potential i must add....haha i like it. okay nvm. stop gushing....there was a piano piece he wrote that was quite nice also, and i tried my little tunes that i'm gonna add for my classical symphonic tone poem, the 2nd theme and the 3rd theme....man actually it sounds good on the piano also! wen en wants a piano concerto or something..haha that piano probably sounds nicer than the pianist. gees. its like, all of a sudden you're chopin1 haha fat hope=)

okay nvm. i woke up feeling really really weird, coz i just had this weird dream of being at a buffet, and like there were clams going for $1, and mr reeves and purvis were there, and like they had a bottle of wine, and like they didn't want to share any of it with me! how horrible! so i was like throwing my tantrum all over, and like being such a bitch to my parents, to my dad and my mum, and we were like quarreling, in church, and being just a foul-mouthed belligrent boy. my word. when i woke up it was so weird coz i dreamt i quarreled rite, so you could imagine how weird it was to be talking to my mum in the morning. sigh.

the key is in the 'La', the subdominant. it must be tuned perfectly. if not nothing really works haha.

though yesterday it was really nice. it's so nice when the Holy Spirit is with you [the Spirit is always with you, it's just that i guess sometimes you know its more? haha dunno]. it's like, i don't know how to describe it. it's like, joy overflowing from your heart, you laugh, and you just can't help smiling, and everything is beautiful and you're just so happy and you wanna dance and clap and sing 'from the mountains, to the valleys, hear our praises, rise to You' and so on. sigh. it is so nice. the quiet time passage was something from romans about Jesus interceding for us, and how the Spirit intercedes for us. rather nice i guess. and how God already knows whats in our hearts and answers our prayers. how nice eh. yeahh.

today could beat sunday! great day! just super hyper throughout, just didn't really care....didn't have my mind play tricks on me, no self-consciousness, just a nice little feeling, being vivacious and all! yeah...i mean thats' the life, the simple life. no need for all that reflection, that insecurity, and all that. but let's just live. sitting back reflecting's the most stupid thing in the world, coz you spend all your time reflecting you've forgotten to live. yeah yeah. hello. nice nice.

just had this bad headache, but this song 'loving you' by minnie rippleton just made it so nice and fuzzy so i'm really okay now. thats really good. haha. music as a metaphor for spiritual well-being or something, so shakespeare says.

yesterday's class gathering was not bad actually...really cool to see so many teachers together. haha. eating and laughing. not bad...sigh.=)

If any day could beat yesterday, today might be it! Woke up real late, but like got to church in time. had real good time with churchmates playing pool and stuff, and it was nice coz well for the first time I wasn't really self-conscious, you know, like, okay bugger I'm in and you know I don't care! Yeah that was probably a more comfortable attitude to take.

my mind just worked pretty well, hehs. seems like getting the melody back. i can sorta hear chords now, again, when i'm writing tunes, and its nice coz then its more natural, i guess. was really productive today: wrote a party tune, a boyband song thats not bad, a J-rock styled piece, and i don't know what else...hehs. watching VMA was really cool coz it was so bouncy and stuff and gee madonna and hollywood....wow. and later on man u got trashed (oh only 1-0) well how better can it get? its like, gimme back the rhythm, man!

gee i love being well. thank God i'm well. hopefully. eeks.

Sigh. another day has passed by, and the funny thing was that I dreamt abt chatting with so-and-so on icq. was really weird, rite.
=) but i mean sometimes you wonder, why weren't you in acjc? i mean, the kind of fun they're having, the simple, unadulerated fun and like sitting with my church friends making loads of noise in swensen's, singing 'answer the phone' and just being stupid. haha. sigh. guess i was neverr a true intellectual you know, in rjc. you're surrounded with people who can articulate themselves and all and you wonder how you can gain their respect, but you're never going to be like them, so i guess i have to be true to myself.

It's about crying, and letting life touch your inner soul again, and feel every emotion fill your heart and your entire body, that had been missing for so long. It's about real people and real emotions, no naff namby-pamby clap-your-hands we're all happy populist-pop. It's the genuineness of human relations and emotions, no fake trying-to-be-cool and blend-in mindset, but really just to see people as people, as individuals. It's a comforting melancholy--knowing that life has its joys and sorrows and yet there's a hope that things will be better.

It's the change in mindset that I need so badly, to move away from ideas and intellectual arguments, just to see people as people, being affectionate again, just to hug and smile. To write music that is uplifting, that is genuine, that has real emotion, that has so much emotional energy to touch your inner being, instead of letting the music just wash over you. to really love others, love God, and to be a person of genuineness. I mean when you listen to songs like 'The Scientist' and the organicity of it all, it just makes you want to cry, and be nice to people again.

sigh. i feel like Henchard sometimes. just so isolated. but thank God there are still little friends around.

Today's SES message was really good. It was the story of Lazarus, Martha and Mary in Bethany with Jesus, and how Mary poured the expensive perfume that was worth a year's wages on Jesus' feet. John chapter 12 i think. And pastor talked about the many ways we can show love to God, be it serving (Martha), talking(Lazarus), or doing what Mary did. It was about extravagant love, as Mary showed, doing what Jesus called a 'beautiful thing', out of the gratitude of their hearts for the resurrection of Lazarus. That extravagant display of love, is from abundance, of splendour and beauty, is what one would call 'first class', not out of mere adequacy, but going out-of-the-way, giving Him the first fruits. After all in heaven, aren't the streets paved with gold? Extravagance? But God deserves the best!

SIgh. I feel changed. okay let's hope this keeps up!

some energy is good, thank you very much. yeah. i don't know i think i've lost the spark that kept me going. sigh. God please help. ugh. you know you try to remember moments that you thought were the most important and most happy, and you can't find it, and it's alll gone...and you're left floudering....and you have no confidence in yourself. i don't know. why do i feel this way?
sigh. but it's coming back, really. today's SES concert was uplifting, and it was fun to play also, coz it was nice performing and you know ministering with music. well. it was nice yeahh. coz the whole day had been rather sucky.

i hate having this cough that just won't go away, it's so irritating, coz you can't laugh, nor talk, coz every time you want to laugh
or talk you end up coughing. and for one who talks a great deal it's so difficult not to talk, you noe?

had this really cool dream....i'd just wish it were reality. you know it was like having fun back with my old classmates, sitting at a table talking, and later on it was so cool coz i was in the canteen when someone, let's just call the person X, came to me and started chatting with me and the person knew my name and i knew the person's! and it was like, going to help this guy on some math problem [think it was how to find the normal distribution from the table...haha sigh such dreams, eh] and later on talking with me one on one and something...crap....but then when i went to sch..sigh...its like...the person never knew whu i was! sigh. just ignored. kena. jialat....damn pissed. argh. spoilt my day lah...thats the way to spoil my day, go ahead man..=)

sigh. going back to ac...everyone being a bitch but mervlyn was really nice....yeah. she's cool. i dunno. so MG. haha.

i'm back to writing pop music. good pop music. i'd craft 10 songs. watch this space.

it's nice to be dreamy, floating around, but after all you have to get back to reality, back to earth. you've gotta snap out of it after a while and let life affect you.

i love cough mixture, it makes you all nice and dizzy and dreamy. you just lie there, floating around in a world of your own, where angels dance and flowers buzz, and it's so funny when fangorn in lor dof the rings is talking. oh well. it is a dream-like existence, and very soon i shall reenter that nice little world on my pillow. dreaming of life, in the future, yes, when all things are nice and friendly and the bad things have passed away. and it is so beautiful and so, simple. yeah, the simple things of life. heh. i sound rather unintelligent but then it's easier and nicer being unintelligent and simple. ah. it is a nice world, yes.

today was a great day, despite the fact that i was hoarse for most of the time. it started off quite well with some badminton-playing, before it got quite nice in class [sigh, why didn't this happen long time ago =P] with the chatting and stuff, and for the fact that i did quite okay in the math test, and break was not bad coz me eye-candy was therE! haha okay no wells. uhrm it was nice to be with everyone again i think, i was quite lonely over the hols. my my i have to really study for italy, i'm like tons behind, and like getting intellectually high and stimulated from mugging italy, and frantically doing my econs mcqs and revising the econs in my head from long long back, wow wow wow. then i went up to the library to do more italy, and do the math paper from acjc, but did a bit only coz really no time and gotta mug history haha well i'm going mad haha.
but craps i haven't finished! i'm really slow..sigh sigh

oh later on we had this practise session for SES and it was not bad, the piano-touch was there...the improvisaiton and the touch....and the real fun bit was later on, when we jammed this really cool thing...it was just jamming and improvising on one chord, yeah like Dm all the way for like 32-bars or more...then moving up to Em and stuff...so it was more a modal kind of improvisation, something you'd hear from 'kind of blue' and it was really nice! =) haha. yeah. that was good too

Thank you God! urhm i said i wanted my day to be happy yeah it is haha. thank you.

today was the epitome of sian-ism. of really just doing nothing. of just lying around and slacking, or watching the tv, or i don't know...play 'part of your world' over and over again. that was a brilliant track [alan menken/howard ashman] , and its really incredible how these pple write those songs. coz the lyrics are so good, and the music fits perfectly and is so...i dunno, charming. yeah. so. that was really nice. but other than that nothing really seems to work, SES concert practise sucked like 'ell and eveyrthing was a mess and all that. yuckss...
hate it.
nvm.

=)

my word, oasis are kick-ass awesome! was watching 'familiar to millions' and when they played supersonic and everyone was dancing up and down, i mean, u'd wish u were noel gallagher for a bit! haha. their cocky lad-anthem culture and stuff, that prodding beat. hmms.
but seriously those pple who say writing blogs is stupid is quite true. i mean it's really quite rubbish sometimes, i mean, one has a tendency to compare what wer'e living now to that day in the blog, to the past, and forget that each moment is a uniquely distinct moment of its own, so go ahead and live it, instead of trying to remember the past.

not bad. wrote lots and lots of songs today...one really slow-sultry song abt being a bird and stuff, ah wells. it's not rock and roll but then again it's nicely oldish-american, gershwin-style without the jazz. and an oasis-eque song but then i was too tired to continue already. couldn't sleep.

yesterday's dream was about playing pool. weird.

hi all. man i'm just down with the flu, yesterday was really bad, i just died halfway through econs and math test and stuff and went home early, popped panadol, and plunged into bed, which was much better than nothing, drinking fruit juice and water all day long. so today i'm not in school, it's a wed after all i have PE so that won't do alot o' good, would it?
been reading the papers, and looking at the 'composers of the future' or something like that oN Life...now there is that guy, philip tan his name was, and my friend and i were discussing his credentials, coz he was the same guy that wrote the music for our community service project song and my did it suck! my word. coz i wrote the music already but they insisted it had to be one-one (we write the lyrics they write the music) so in the end the tune was wasted, damnit. argh. you know what...yeah i mean he just received a DBS commendation award! my word, singapore is really desperate for composers man. geez.
crap was just continuing the little 'suite of our lives' classical piece...the tone poem thinggi. gonna start the second subject soon! yeah! i'm so happy it took really long to get there. and when i woke up my brain was a fuzz, but hey i could tell you what C was, and what F was, and what A was!~ that was nice, for a change, from the cluelessness of trying to figure out notes. argh. wrote some tunes, not very good but i'm sick, so who cares. yeah who cares. argh. haha.
wells.

My word, today's music practice was really good! my rhythm sense was so on, my piano touch was so there, and the fills and riffs were all musical and lovely, thank God. and particularly robin mark's 'revival' was just so rhythmical and so rockish it was like drums beating on your head and bringing the song to a climax and the majesty and power of the rhythms and chords that go together as one in straight rhythm is just so stunning.

and besides, today was a much better day than yesterday, thank you Lord. i slept well, i believe. and it was good because of well, good things!

did some math. haha. not much time left huh.

crap i'm in such a fuzz. i'm getting all frustrated and only beauty and art and God can save me but I'm so sinful anyway and mebbe He's testing me, argh. im a wreck. seriously. been all stressed out and artificially engineered throughout the day it just kills me....
it's this endless spiral that kills me and wrecks me. it's as though there's two parts of my mind fighting. the good and the bad, the dr jekell and mr hyde in me. and they are struggling real bad, and sometimes hyde wants to take over.
sigh
i'm not even articulate, but i can't be. i'm too busy. i have too many things to do. ahhhh.

today was both a whirl and a fuzz! school was rather alright. i was just going crazy! you know, like, being the weird noisy crazy ol' me that's been gone for too long! yeah!

crap when that happens my musical mind is like a mess. intonation is all off. crap man.!
never mind.
trade off ah.

i just had this really weird dream yesterday, it was seriously uncanny.
it was abt this cute gal. and she was singing in a band! and the funny thing is that, i dreamt of the song that she sang, which was an original! i could only remember a small part of it, but my it was a nice song and so it's my song now, haha. anyway she was singing, and she was so endearing and stylish, my goodness, and pple were playing guitars all around her. and later on i went to another gig to try to meet her and she just didn't bother about me at all. and in school she just ignored me. but ah well. she looked so good on the stage. yummy.
haha
what a weird dream.

i'm scribbling down the song now. haha.

you know something. the thing I've learnt about praying, is to mean everything you say, every bit you say. it comes from the heart, not just from the cavities of the mouth. that's so important, because once you really mean what you say, everything becomes much better. and besides, God knows everything you wanted to say anyway, He knows everything that goes on inside you, inside your life, inside your heart, the most secret desires, you can't hide from Him... as the Psalmist says, where can I go to? In the mountains You are there...etc. and like all we have to do is to say what He already knows.... and it's all for the best. So why not? He already knows!

'Lord I give you my heart, I give You my soul, I live for You alone... Every step that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me'

watched league of extraordinary gentlemen, and my was it a wonderful show. simply outstanding. all the villains, the different heroes, and the simple majesty of the setting, the era of the past, the turn of the century, wow. i mean it has to be one of the best action shows this year, coz really there was no time that i decided to start looking at my watch to see how long more this would take and actually enjoyed the show!

ballet was a little bit boring, though the second ballet one that was aboriginally-influenced was really quite funny and quite artistic as well: strauss was usual viennese. wow. i mean. sitting around was quite fun but ultimately i was very tired, argh.

it's really nice to have a nicely-tuned piano again, just finished playing it, writing some tunes, playing other songs, etc. wrote a nice funky jazz chicago-styled piece on thursday night which i'm trying to perform for grad nite, well if we got through, coz it's really fun and jazzy and catchy: oh i don't want to say this, but its catchy indeed. yeah. the thing about listening to music is, none of that pop nonsense. when hearing real music, you hear all the harmonic overtones, the swell that a note brings. a note isn't just a note, la, bland and all that. there's this swell about it, this natural vibrato, the harmonics that swell above it, it's a 'swell', well that's the way i would put it, and unless one hears that swell, music isn't glorious: the note is just a note. but with that swell its a piece of art.
crap i think my ear has seriously gone awry from all the rubbish i hear, coz i seem to have lost that knack for listening to the swell, to really listen and immerse myself in it, and let the notes ring forth, rather then just hear it. coz it seems the sounds-in-my-head are just a little too sharp for the piano, or too-flat, and it's really irritating, because, no wonder all the songs sound off, you get what i mean. has anyone remembered how 'autumn' sounded like? i begin to realise that you have to be musical to understand 'autumn', or to get even a feel of the images and colours of that song, especially the chorus melody, because only when the harmonics are there, and the notes are all perfectly in tune, with just intonation (la and ti are both slightly flatter than the equal temperament, which probably explains why it sounds not-so-good on an equal-tempered piano), then you get a beautiful melody. oh i'm not boasting about it, coz most of the time my ears are too crass to be able to appreciate beauty, and sigh, i want to get back my ears. argh.

and when you listen well, you're not sleepy. nothing really matters to you. you're just enjoying the sounds. not notes, but sounds.

i find lit and music very similar: i'm trying to think of new ways to studying/analysing lit, and it is suspiciously similar to music, not-surprising, of course.
to anaylse lit based on: a)characters/interaction of characters b)themes c)atmosphere/mood/tones/imagery/rhythms d)significance/allusions/historical context e)plot and that is rather similar to music, isn't it, coz in programmatic symphonies you have characters, you definitely have themes, those are the melodies/motifs that run through the music, atmosphere/tones/imagery based on the kinds of tone colours used, which is analogous to the choice of words used, and the rhythms used is akin to the rhythms used in lit, be it shorter words, or a more syncopated rhythm, or longer, more fluid rhythms, to give different effects. ahh that is cool. using music to appreciate lit. haha.

today was a great day, maybe because of the fact that i prayed that today would be great. so it was, huh, thank you God. ahhh. class went really well. music flowed nicely in my head, for once. there was no pressure to do well myself, it was as though God was helping me to go through the day, and simply thrive through His strength and not my own.lit, i could actually think. the GP video was really really interesting with good music to boot. and for once i could do all the math! i realised you have to be neat doing math coz it really helps your simplification and all that, and trigo was like, a challenge! i could do it! ahhh. and my jokes flowed well, for once. okay that was really quite a perfect day huh.
have to mention sarah's composition, its pretty brilliant stuff. there's a memorable yet simple theme which is nicely accentuated by swinging drum rhythms, pretty cool. ahhhh makes me want to write again jazz stuff, just opens entirely new ideas and possibilities.

well im erally tired see you oh i jus linked yvette.

there's something interesting about a person's name, i think. your identity, who you are. reputation reputation reputation! --it is a false most undeserving, or something like that. maybe that's all that might be left of me, huh. i don;t know i'm tired of all this its quite messy i just wanna get some beer and get high. studying can wreck ur brains, muahaha.

foo fighters rock
today was mad it had to rain just as i was about to go play tennis, ugh. the moment i went down, showers...bleagh.damn pissed. haha.
wrote some songs.

got an M+ for econs s. sigh. disappointing.

i'm tired man. tired tired tired.

Lord, all i want is to let You take control of my life, in every way, to worship You in my life. to experience Thee in some special way, to work through me, to make me stronger. to sense Your Spirit working through me, and not my will, but Yours be done. this i pray, amen.
sigh, just a simple request, to rest peaceful in the arms of the Almighty God suffices; no need for me to exert my will, or to concern myself about myself, i'd be happy to be in the background n let God take centerstage, and talk to Him, somehow. He is my Father, and i his child, and that is the best way it should be. and sin is just detestable and not an issue at all. ah. just wanna be like that. and just give thanks, coz all the good things in life are from Him and His plan will be sovereign in my life. so let it be. sigh. coming back to the people i knew. the ac family i long to be in again. and there with the whole presence of God and all that. be with me O Lord....I give You my heart...I give You my soul, I live for You alone...You are Holy. so change me, somehow.

being close to God is great, eh. wrote a Christian song yesterday, and it was nice and peaceful, a nice strummy one. today was headachy, which was really bad, until a nice nap alleivated much of the pain. but surprisingly my hearing was quite good, i could tell what an Ab was an what an F was.....for my r n b song, and happy, respectively...i was listening to bob the builder and decided to write some kiddy music, how's that? like, bob-bob-bob the builder...haha so spastic. nvm.
playing tennis with wen en and dalglish was quite a good work out, and so was haagen daas with jeremy. man i missed that place, haven't been there since like sec 4, when i grew all the fats. haha. no wonder.

I have just been sipping wine and savouring French bleu cheese while reading about the Jacobins, Robespierre, the killing of Danton and Herbert and Robespierre's own death, mixed with the joys of reading about the Cult of the Supreme Being and the absurd Mountains and temple of reasons, what a joke. what a socialist, extreme, radical, regime to herald itself in the early days of 1794!, that totaliterrian control of the populace, political and social uniformity that was to be demanded, and non-conformity would just mean death, and arrest, under the law of suspects and the law of 22 prairal. and fancy organising the calender into 10 day weeks, and reorganising the months and all into quaint french names like frimaire and brumaire and vendemaire, oh when incidentally napoleon treated people to a whiff of grapeshot. good revision, huh. sigh.

i slept at three. was just slamming the guitars just now and my my, how fun was it. simply riduculous fun...."oh, the next song is...it's a cover of..." as though there was indeed an audience listening to me and me nonsense. the fantasies of life.

my playlist looks something like this, now

system of a down: toxicity
system of a down: chop suey
big country: in a big country
linkin park: one step closer
linkin park: faint
incubus: drive

i don't know, lots of maddening thrash for a rubbishy interesting day.

hello everyone. must thank the singapore government for this little half-day we're going to have tomorow, which means i'm not going to school, and can enjoy just a bit more repose than usual. my life has descended into this rigorous lamborous routine of flipping through texts and doing math in a mechanical algorithm, saving only little portions here and there for any fancies of any kind, notably coming on to icq and listening to music and playing music and writing music and talking. ahhh but then we have to mug, haven't we.
i was mugging in the library french rev, and still haven't finished the terror..but i'm defintiely gonna try to finish it today....gotta start on napoleon before the end of tomorow, not mentioning thermidor. and origins of the cold war then beckons. how boring. sigh. only stopped by macs for some lunch at four with debbie, such a sad life isn't it. but today i wrote a pretty good song, it's a ballad, a boy-band style song but can be reintepreted with chinese lyrics, and it's pretty good, coz i haven't written a boy-band song in a long time, a melodic lovey-dovey song..it has been mostly rock, so i'm pretty pleased. ah well. small consolation, huh.
i don't know. probably it's gonna be hard for me to get a scholarship, huh? and now i'm too tired to really care, or think. bleagh

the thing is, we're all so mad we can't do anything about it. it's a rat race, and who knows when this will end? i hardly have time for any fun activities anyway. it's like, i can't smell, at all. i can't smell the rich aromas of my chocolate. it's just. oh. what's the next thing i've gotta reaD?

it's so weird. there just isn't any one online what happened to all of them? it might just have been a glitch, eh.
anyway this week has seen me traisping through numerous moods of all shapes and forms. mondays and tuesdays being sleepy and just not trying to think so much, till saturday, a massive drunken party complete with ping pong and touche, which is wonderful stuff, i must add, where everyone was talking and having fun, and me banging away on the piano till someone remarked something, but oh you can ask me privately...just some fast jazz, thats all--thursday was a bit the same, lots of pool, drinks, kilkenney especially.
am back listening to a bit more rock music, changed the guitar strings which was a really good thing coz now they're 10s and they sound a whole lot better, the strings dont' bend when you barre chords, unlike the slack 9s...coz the les paul can't support 9s anyway. there's been a whole lot of wonderful stuff out there. the linkin park and what nots. oh well. its maddening huh.
ahh ppl finally decide to get online. its a glitch.

oh the orchestral piece is doing okay...someone commented that the orchestral piece changes moods to quickly, and i partly agree...sigh it's just me you know i get really bored just keeping it happy, or repeating the theme again and again, sigh. ah well rigour is what's required, isn't it. so it's about the 5 min mark already, until the first subject, which is rather polka-like, but i'm stalling, really because there's hardly any motivation for me to keep it going, ah well.

i have to get down to doing work, argh. hopefully school will be fun?!

i do not create music, i merely discover the treasures that already existed.
holst is brilliant, the planets, the orchestration and everything, simply sublime, the differing tone colours and the sheer eclectism of it, the mysticism that flows through each 'planet', the jupiter hymn, the 5/4 time of mars, ah. syo. it was good eh.
i'm writing a symphonic tone poem now, just gathering little themes here and there: it's supposed to be a blueprint of a life cycle, from the unformed mass of youth to the rhythmic jazz of modern life, to getting old and dying: but it's only into the 2nd minute of completion. the thing about classical music is that you have to place much more thought into orchestration, into note placing, it's not just lyrics and chords, but the sounds are important, the consonance, the dissonance, etc. it's supposed to have basically 4 sections, with differing themes. hopefully its' good.

i still can't get over what happened but i believe You have a plan and may something good come out of all of this, according to Your glorious will, amen.

and i'm really tired now, it's nicer this way. just to rest. pure rest.

today was just surreal. it was heaney's 'funeral rites'. it was a four-foot box, one foot for each year. not in the mood to blog now. just pray for her soul. please.

i hate scotch whiskey i hate scotch whiskey i hate scotch whiskey my goodness how can one stand that filthy drink? ugh!

dinner partty was super super fun argh never got so high even without alcohol man haha...it was super cool. thanks dalg/dawn for the food yeah must be really hard work and like everyone else...was a brilliant atmosphere i guess. at least. yeah the fear factors the whiskey the long-dayt's journey haha. well. am like really high now argh too bad i'm a lil' sleepy also. thank you to all those pple: daryl/mich, cher, sida, gang, dawn/dalg, wen en, weian, rae. etc.... today was such an eventful day. woke up to play tennis still blurry eyed. went for jamming/auditions at jam club, which was okay...the bass playing was pretty funky i guess. i was improvising lots of crap for POD's southtown. and took the NEL to jelita. crap we must do this more

juST GET IN THE GROOVE! WAHHHA GET IN THE GROOVE! WAHHH GET IN THE GROOVE!

I have unearthed a Jill Sobule classic, 'Bitter'. it's so nice i'm listening to it over and over agian

I could slip I could fall
IN that mean and awful hall
With the other jealous bitches and the bitter grumbling men
I could sneer I could glare
Saying life is so unfair
And the one who made it made it coz her
breasts were really big

but i don't wanna get bitter
i dun wanna turn cruel
i don't wanna get old before i have to

i could bitch i could moan say i wanna be left alone
but that's not relaly true becoz i like my time with you
...

i don't wanna get bitter like you
you with the thoughts in your eyes
you with disdain for mankind
i was charmed now i wonder...


the thing is. i want to get bitter. it's a lovely pill to swallow to make you cry your guts out.

We can't change the things life has put in place for us. we have to fight for our lives. we can't change, we'd only distort.

I have been rather close to God the past two or three days and I think over the week. today was pretty good. last night's little message was really meaningful and the prayer was good and all that and everything today was fine, it was peaceful, it was God-centered, i felt free, not to worry what happens to me coz it really doesnt' matter. sigh. and then like everything was fine. i was happy. not as crazy as yesterday, yesterday was really really mad coz like everything was really noisy and hyper and stuff. today was more sedated, i did math, i worked a little, got back my B for lit and A2 for GP, and tried to make the best i could, making friends with people, talking to them nicely, etc. you know, i behaved like a Christian, at least for a while.

then all hell broke loose. don't know what i was doing. don't know what i was trying to do. just a meaningless struggle through eternity and space that had no real beginning nor end and was begging to be defined. it was begging to be shaped into some discernable form that i could embrace, or even make sense of, enjoy; instead it was a cesspool, a mess, going to guitar at 5.30, stoning around, you know, playing the piano, frustrated coz i couldn't write any songs, or at least i was compelled by my urge to write something for the piano coz i was playing 'YOu must love me' and the sound of the piano under my hands was just to marvellous not to write something for it, you know. and then guitar was just, ah well, by that time i couldn't have cared less. and even in CG it was a mess. pool was great, hadn't played in eons, that's what you call 'accumulated desires' i guess.


I'm a mess now. depressed. it's time to write more songs. ahh. great thats nice i can feel the tingles wiggling through my spine and sending me shivers down my back. it's lots of depressive manical music that you've gotta get yourself into to feel real, actually.
and besides, i've been writing pretty well ever since jamming on wednesday. wrote some Rnb song that is pretty soothing with the usual descending chord progs, two little pop-rockers: one's more laid-back with an ebuillient feel, the other's a little edgy, it's about us being 'lovechilds', a reference to something said in GP today, which i took down. hmm. gotta catch all these good phrases to use, huh.

okay. tomorow is the audition. i better not let my friends down.

sigh.
what's with the world .

An interesting thought: did you know the real just intonation scale had 3 different intervals besides semitones and tones? it's really interesting coz i din realise it. in fact, a major interval is like 208 cents, bigger than a tone interval that is 200 cents: while a minor tone interval is 186 cents or something, while a semitone is 112.
It's something like that
1-(major)-2-(minor)-3-(semitone)-4-(major)-5-(minor)-6-(major)-7-(semitone)-8

so like thats y u raise the 5ths, lower the 3rds *since you have to compensate for the smaller interval of the minor*, and lower the 6th (for the same reason) while raising the 5th, since the major is slightly bigger than the whole-tone. interesting huh. and was playing, jamming, on a fretless bass today, sigh, really difficult, playing some trust company and stuff for my friend's audition for some band competition. well done. i'm all tired, after SYF also, which we got silver for...well i'm not particularly disappointed, but ah well, what could have been, ahhhh. hehe nvm got to miss school so that was nice.

yeah.
okay good nites.

I have been able to savour some really interesting dreams over the last few days. and it's really uncanny. the dreams just seem like reality you forget which is which, and i'd rather have the dreams, really. it's been more eventful than this mundane life i'm living in. sunday's dream was about so many things, about sitting down in this big ballroom and meeting wen en while i catch the attention of a girl, let's just call her X. and later on we played some bball with some greats, and i got my name in the papers: i was the best full-season player. and after that it was off to a holiday, to this really big building with a lift that goes up and down, and different things appear at different stories. there were the houses at e top, a shopping mall in the center complete with shops galore, and we the lift to a floor, and then we found this little palace, or cathedral, and it was sunken into the ground, where only the sloping roof and the pedestral were sticking out. I was with another group of pple, let's just call them J, Z, V, etc. and we wanted to explore it...there were little stone carvings around, decorating the entrance. We decided to go in, but J's parents objected, and later they consented, but it was ominous, something was wrong. And I decided, be careful, any time we will leave.
So we enter the place, and found out there were many artifacts that seemed to have life, that could move, like pop-up and shoot some fire, ala harry potter, there was even a wailing corner with wailing noises. It was easy to like, step on them, to cast them down, and later on after having taken seperate paths we met at the exit to the hall. Some sages/councillors walked by, and J then got scolded, something that went ... 'who's the leader'? 'me'...'did you do anything, leading?' 'no'....J was then scolded for valuing political clout, over actually conjuring and defeating the other powers that had held my other friend hostage. Apparently he had entered the building earlier, but was unsuccessful, on the brink of death, sustained only by the food of another person, it seemed to be fish, but he refused, deciding to pass it back to her and her bf. And we were told by the sages that they loved the person, the 'man of wealth' (okay its jeremy....haha....aka pamelsh) and it was horrible to let him suffer....we magical people have to use our talents.

what a story from a dream. could publish it or something, man.

And on the way to school, we were late, I prayed that somehow we'd get to school fast, and miraculously, just as i thought, how nice it would be if all the traffic lights were to turn green, it did! suddenly all the traffic lights indeed did turn green and later on at ghim moh it was funny coz then i wanted the traffic light to turn red, and it did! well well.

---

Monday's dream wasn't as bad but some parts were really nice. was with M, D, and this gal called Y, and we were in this room and discussing life, and it seemed as though Y and I wanted to get together, you know, we were tentative, not knowing if we were indeed for each other, liking each other, that kinda thing. and it was so weird, coz we smiled at each other, yet, shyly turning away, it seemed tentative, like, we were trying to test the waters. haha. well. i think it was more than that, but i can't remember now.
and there was something about staying late at a cafe, eating something that looked extremely pale for like 3.80, with D and J, and in the end there was no bus left to go home, so my father had to come over in some car and fetch me back. quite uneventful, i guess, compared to yesterday's! there was something about a song that my bandmate and i were trying to write, some drug addiction song, with the phrase 'head' and 'instead', if i can remember, correctly.
wow.
---
School tody was nice, got a good vibe. mel and addy and sim and liang were all nice and bubblly, and my classmates too, i guess. hmms. pretty good.. too bad i din see any pretty gals. haha. but that's another issue.

Guitar SYF is tomroow, pray it'll be good. hopefully!

I have just seen the now-infamous video of RJC from an obscure website. well. i just have to say, what's the big fuss? it's just a small scolding, nothing really substantial, i'm sure that happens more often than not, it's not like the teacher threw the bag outta the window or something, or hit the guy or what. so really what's the big hoo-ha? of course it's a little overboard to scold the poor old guy like that, and well about the issue of putting it on the web, it depends on whether you define the classroom as a public place, or a private one. if it is the latter, there would be a violation of privacy, but what's so private about your classroom?

oh man. if something happens to him coz of this there will be an even greater hoo-ha. okay some white slips for bringing in a PDA and using it, that's legitimate, but he should not be a scapegoat for the school's need to win back some face, and a bloody-sunday like reactionary blitz on rights of students, and his welfare, just because some other pple happened to publicise what he put on his blog.

Funk is so cool. I'm listening to Run DMC/Aerosmith 'Walk this way' and it's such a classic. the riff just oozes sex appeal. and just now it was marvin gaye's 'sexual healing', and a little bit of prince's 'when doves cry'. my goodness. just the blues on a saturday night, huh? enough of that passe rock rubbish that cretinises you man.

Tennis today was brilliant fun, except for the rain. the funny thing was that i dreamt the day before that by the time it got to 4.00 it was going to rain, and true enough, it did. am i some sort of soothsayer or something? haha. anyway it rained here and there after half an hour and we couldn't really get to play: the rain stopped later on and we played for a bit more, we managed to get through two doubles sets, before it started raining again. sigh. never mind, i won all of them 6-0, 6-0, but of course, it'll be a much more different story if daryl were there. PLyaed squash and that was fun too. dinner was great. had rack of lamb spiced with mint sauce, while the rest had fillet, some seafood, pie, chicken, and sausages...and some lovely cocktails...i had a sex-on-the-beach with kahlua, others had zombie, some had island on the sun and what not...was quite fun and a nice way to end the week. thanks to jerald, hope there'll be more of that, would be seriously cool.

but today i was fishing out my KORG tuner manual and i found out something seriously cool...a new way to tune your guitar, so you can enjoy the benefits of just intonation instead of equal temparement, which is, seriously, the most ugly, stupid, tuning system there ever is. to take 2 cents off every 5th to make the circle complete is the most stupid thing you could ever do, since chords, harmony, doesn't ever sound like harmony any more. there isn't that shimmer, that resonance, that blend. something's just not right. bah. i think the tuning was much better last time, when i actually tuned the guitar to a chord, for instance G major--i didn't have a tuner then--and then i would sorta fiddle the notes in the chord until it was almost just-intonated, instead of it being equal temparemented--of course that chord sounded damn good while the rest were like crap. of course then you couldn't play any song, right? coz while G was perfectly just-intonated, C was rubbish, and so was D. no wonder it didn't work!
but now, i just realised...just tune it to E, and then barre! and you have the perfect solution. the KORG tuner gives you the position for a pure major 3rd or pure minor 3rd, so all one has to do is to retune some of the strings. E, no need, it's the root. for A, tune it up to the indicated mark, since it'll form B, the 5th, which has to be raised. for D, leave it. for G, tune it down, since itll form the third. for B, tune it up to the indicated, and for E, leave it alone. So you get a really nice chord for all the majors, and the minors dont' sound too bad as well: you have to barre, of course.

The truth is, we've been fed with equal temparement for so long, we've lost the knowledge of the beauty that music actually is. classical music, especially acapella, with the blend of voices, is really music in its purest form, where music simply blends and the harmonic overtones are fed nicely and blend in nicely and you can hear the shimmer of the overtones. especially during ac choir concert, my goodness, the whole auditorium was swelling with the sound of overtones. and only in that form can songs be truly appreciated. sigh. we should go back. js bach was wrong.

Everyone's getting so desperate about their lives now. their prelims, their A-levels, their universities, which to go to, bad common test results, et al. And i think we really have to put things into perspective. Yes, doing A-levels well is paramount in your education life: if you don't do it well, you've finished your education berfore uni on a low, and you might just miss out on a ticket to the train of success--a good university, and so on. However, yeah we can study and al that, but really please don't confuse your studying life with your actual life: you are more than your grades make you out to be. you've got a way-long life out ahead. you'll get married, get some pretty little kids, earn some bucks, drink some at a pub, listen to some music, get some love, hang out with friends, die, go to Heaven, if you believe in God, that is, and eternal life and so on....really there is no need to get all worried and desperate. yes, the time is short, but systematic revision should clear the little holes here and there?

i've been lethargic, a little sick, and very sedate and sane. been sober with songs like 'danny boy' and reading literature and thinking of victorian era age and the culture and all that, so not much pop these days, eh? scottish folk songs. haha. purvis dancing. well done.

but i really admire this little midi program called midicode that you can download (the demo) from www.midicode.com and it's really wonderful, coz you can access different scales that are in different intonation besides equal temperament: such as the just intonation scale, which is really quite wonderful, it's the pure form according to the chords, where the 5th is raised and the 3rd flattened and the 6th and 7th i think flattened slightly so that it forms the 3rd of the 4th and 5th chords respectively, and there are even javanese slendro and pelog scales! how accurate it is, i have no idea, but the fact that i can hear a chord properly without the buzz is good enough.

i'm trying to download some all saints and listening to garth brooks. what a great song.

Jamming today was positively brilliant...i played bass till my fingers are all aching and can't even type the keyboard no more. but it had everything, was super-fun. And it was like musical chairs: anyone could play anything....my band members, jon, and darren of course. we just switched from guitars to bass to vocals to drums, and seriously a whole lot of fun. played loads of numbers taken from a plethora of musical styles: american punk rock, to moffatts, to american indie rock like OLP and staind, to brit-pop of suede and radiohead...even some blues! how cool was that. even some original numbers: invincible, holiday, happy, nobody cares. it was good everyone just decided to have some fun and chill out after the terms.
class party was okay. played PS2 and had some dinner/ice cream, the usual works. and watching tennis: my goodness, roger federer was brilliant. he is a class act, with a classy touch, a brilliant one-handed backhand, and everything from the forehand, the serve-volley, the passing shot. talent incarnate.

listening to OLP now, wow. it's just inspiring and a great finale. thank you God i prayed it'll be fun. oh wells.
=)

There are girls that are just so delicious... they've got this incredible charm about them that makes me swoon. sigh. but I'm a creep, after all...what the 'ell am i doing here? man, it's really that smile that's so heart-warming, it just releases all the good energies in me...i just wanna go and embrace people. just to accost them or something, sigh. delicious. yummy!

okay that was a bit off, hmmz? today was a boring day, stayed at home mainly after guitar and slept, how interesting can it get? tomorrowmust be better, but today was already pretty good, esp the morning, just totally high. haha. wondering what to do if we're jamming tomroow...wanna try recording 'nobody cares', its a pretty good song, a catchy chorus, prolly an above-average guitar riff, lyrics by wen en *but i might tweak it*, a cranberries/poppish style verse: it's pure pop, but who cares?

nothing left to say, eh? music was so cool today though, there was a nice blend, as usual, that's so essential. melodies, more melodies, ahh i love them.

Yay! econs S is over! woo hoo, can celebrate now!

But really it's been a rather crappy day today...though I'm already all tired. Hanging around with 3 different groups: daryl/nat, calvin/lijing/ken, dinky/eleena...sigh, it's so weird. Just feel like a retard, i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo, what the hell am i doing here, i don't belong here. no wonder that song became an anthem. It's like, people talk and i just can't relate, just can't chip in, got nothing to say, just don't care what they're saying, just don't need to care what they're saying. It's like people do/say things for social leverage/clout and all they wanna do is to push themselves up the ladder to make themselves more attractive to women, or to make themselves more 'well-liked' and all that. heck man, i've had enough of that. goodness, i'm WHO i am, because of who I am, and heck i've made a living out of being stupid and doing stupid things and acting stupid in my life, i like it that way. it's so attractive to become me, i think. not that anyone really agrees. no one really bothers. concerned abt their image, all of us are. image-consciousness kills: it means that really all we do is to filter someone through that proxy called their physique: if that physique is good, everything will flow: otherwise it's all rubbish. and i'm tired of laughing at someone else's jokes and all that: no one laughs at mine anyway. and so i'm tired of humouring people, why don't all of ya humour me?

crap i soudn very angsty. blogging really builds that up in you. i was going to say something nice, that what i really want is just pure, natural human relations, and really that's what i somewhat have, and that's all i need, no need for the social clout, the political leverage, yadayada, it's all retarded rubbish, that is. the problem is that sometimes the things others do affect us, when it shouldn't, really. if not all we really do is to please others, and that's the most retarded thing i've heard.

Okay, so like 4 common tests are over, and I'm slightly back to normal, save for econs S that's really bugging me tomorow, but never mind, i'll find complete relief after that. history was okay, save for the no-time on the sourced based. literature was fine....i think PC was quite alright tho i spent too much time on it, henchard was normal, long days was normal but not much time left but ms lim is a nice person, haha. econs was probably 'A'-able, if the essay and case study gets through so that the 2 mistakes on the mcq won't be too bad. math is a killer...just stared at the paper, didn't know what to do, just didn't get the hints, just didn't know how to do it. sigh. how stupid can you get?

It's so different, RJC. i just feel this whole overwhelming sense of you-must-do-well you-must-do-well if not-your-life-will-be-screwed....sigh it was never that way at all, was it? never, never.

I have just been listening to the wonders of the just intonation scales and the richness and the fullness that you get from those chords, that blend and the harmonic overtones that are so pure and delightful. My songs sound nice again, haha. Yeah, I mean i've been trying midi programs that can sequence these scales, but unfortunately it's shareware. Never mind, the bliss of a moment. the swell brings back moments of angelic choirs singing in pure harmony, a world apart from the convulated untuned music that we get here, where chords just lose all their flavour, when the 4ths and the 5ths and the 1sts all lose their overtones.

Holy Spirit be with me: i've been so encouraged by Bible church's youth fellowship and all. I wanna go back.I asked God for my melodic gifts back (if you would call them gifts) and there and then i just wrote a song about coming back to God! 'Jesus...I'm coming back to you'....with rock/pop influences, and I'm so happy coz you know these things don't come so often...the immediate answering of prayer. And the funny thing is that, at the meeting I was thinking, crap i wanna return home, i've been away for too long, I've settled for the leftovers when I can enjoy the firstfruits, the harvest.... and then about a few minutes later the speaker suddenly spoke about how we all try to leave the church to see the world, when the fruits are there, right there, where the church is...and she said, why settle for the dust when you can settle for the gold? Sure, there's a lot of dust to see, but when you get the gold.... and immediately it struck...wow, deja vu, hadn't i been thinking that thought just a while ago? Praise God, what a revelation. I must go back i must go back.

I have to start.

you know what? today's the last day i can sleep at three and still feel fine. hate school hate school hate school =P

Save me from myself...please save. I'm in a mess, bloated with food, and i need some respite from the world around, and common tests are coming, what's all this for?

The blog's primary purpose has to move away from being a purely personal journal into being an avenue for expression, and the main advantage of that shift is, it's less boring for all those out there ploughing through journal entries. who wants to scour through endless pages of information about me mindless me? [unless of course, you think i'm cute, which of course is of zero possibility]

alright.

On Social Relations (a social commentary)

Much has been written about the idea of shyness, and whether it is embedded in the brain, or not. For someone used to be plagued with shyness to such a great degree until a churchmate actually told me it seems unreal that i'm so quiet, and now gradually evolving into some level of consciousness and a desirable level of expression, shyness for me has not been something hard-wired into your brain, as though you could not help it. In fact the very essence of dealing with it can be learnt, and the faster one realises it the better.

Of course much has been said about something called the 'comfort zone', the place, the arena, where one feels most at home with, be it with one's family, or with close friends, and it is in that place where the people with introverted tendencies can express themselves more fully, to feel at ease to express themselves, and remove away the self-conscious train of thought that expressing oneself might entail a risk of getting hurt, and so on. It is in that comfort zone that a person's identity and character more often than not comes across accurately. For me it might have been tuition class, or even class, but not at church: church was not really a comfort zone due to the wrong sort of mix of people, and the fact that i had to succumb to the people who were seen as having more social leverage, and the fear of being hurt: there was simply little connections that would have helped me stabilise and find identity.

No doubt, there is that hierarchy in social relations, and often it can be felt so obviously: People that are good-looking and outgoing tend to occupy the highest echelons of the ladder, they are the in-group, the core-group: their disappearence often changes the makeshift of the group totally, and that is why they have so much influence, since the group loses its identity when they disappear. And further down there are the in-betweens, they have some social clout but not as much, and often do not have influence to unilaterally decide the course of action in a group. And further down still there are people with no social leverage: they are discards, waiting to be chucked down and away at the slightest notice; their words have little influence, and they are just there to make up the numbers.

In fact, the hierachy is not steeped in stone, but even moving up the ladder is difficult, but of course once you've reached the upper rungs coming down is harder, due to impressions. There are certain ways for individuals to move up the ladder, such as, offering something new and special; emboding more characteristics that are desirable according to the group, and flaunting these characteristics; allying oneself with the people who have influence and form bonds within a group that would help--i find this pretty helpful sometimes into integrating myself with groups; and further on reducing the self-consciousness that accompanies people at the lower rungs.

Another aspect that creates shyness is the concept of self-image: the image that a group portrays on you affects the way you view yourself. In church i was viewed as quiet, so naturally one would tend to live up to one's reputation as being quiet, for to do so would be to invite stares and questions, that go, oh no are you okay? you're mad! Stupid people, can't they realise i'm who i am?

Of course, the greatest obstacle to social integration is that self-consciousness, the fear of what someone else might think about the person. Naturally it is unavoidable that, out of the comfort zones, some of that fear would remain. However, a shift in perspective must occur: individuals should realise that the consequence of being rejected, being hurt, etc, is not death and decay, but just a little setback that can be overcome, that will be over and one can go back to his comfort zone. After all, if individuals are not very close to you, you can let yourself get hurt and risk it all by being who you are, by being yourself, since, if they hurt you, it doesn't matter anyway, they aren't close to you, you won't be down coz of them coz they don't matter, and besides, on the other side, if you aren't part of their social circle, they'll forget you the next day anyway, so why bother to produce such a good reputation, why not just be yourself?

The difficulty, though, is to develop that strength that says, never mind, i'm hurt but i'll bounce back. That inner strength that must be there is hard to build up in some, the self-belief, the self-esteem, that comes with confidence, perhaps accentuated by religion, a knowledge that God is on your side, and so on, which would provide that essential that would allow one to take risks more readily and remove the barriers that shut them out to integration and allow them to open up to the world more easily.

Oh, if only people would love themselves, and maybe they would find it easier to love others, as one pastor has said so aptly. And it is so true: having confidence in oneself, (not arrogance, mind you, but just confidence) and knowing that your views have value and you are just as worthy as the next guy on the street, or the pretty girl out there, for appreciation and adoration, is crucial in overcoming the fear that greets shyness, and maybe social assimilation might be easier.

here's what i did over the hols!

fri: watched matrix reloaded at nite: street festival
sat -
sun: -
mon: guitar
tues: played LAN
wed: guitar
thurs: watched finding nemo: played pool
fri: guitar
sat: nothing much=)
sun: soccer!
mon: LAN
tues: bball...pool at mambo
wed: soccer!
thurs: great day! played tennis, studied, went borders, hard rock revolution at night
fri: home
sat: stayed over at darren's, watched midnite movie (far from heaven)
sun: darrens...ms lim's wedding, tennis
mon: at home
tues: went og, played LAN
wed: went airport
thurs: today! charlie's angels!
fri: gonna see red


oh btw i alwways seem to have good thursdays, don't know why...

Charlie's angels was super fun, super dumb, and super hilarious! It simply released all the endorphines in me, goofy lil' Cameron Di's adorable, man, what can i say. hehs. been laughing throughout the show and it was simply wonderful! it was almost like a music video with lil songs here and there and even a funny part that alluded to the sound of music with the song 'lonely goatheard' playing..how cool was that. in fact the beats and the rhythms of music were with me throughout the day, and especially the facility of language....wrote many lil' hooks complete with lyrics today, which was a change from usual when i can hardly think of words to write: words actually help in so many ways to actually construct melodies, in fact. there was just this rhythm and this lil' beat that i've been lacking, being sleepy and bothered....this was a nice change. played pool, but it sucked. haha. still the songs written were enough to compensate for it: i've got some little 'babe' song, some 'beautiful baby' song, and some 'rock and roll' song....eh. yeah. even the guitar playing's improved. it's like my brain has decided to work again, so i'll keep it while it lasts, huh? yeah
breathe the pressure, come play my game i'll test ya, psychosomatic addict-insane

oh i had another really weird dream yesterday, which consisted of some sharks swimming in a dark ocean, and they were really bad sharks, fighting for every little human being...and they could really eat human beings...so to distract them....we, on the shore, sorta threw little pencil caps at them...which ended up in them fighting over the little pencil caps! and it ended up with another shark coming to negotiate a truce at a conference (wait, was it sharks, or crocodiles? haha)...and in the end they started having peace...something like finding nemo, huh? fish are firends, not food... and then there was something about them deciding to attack a city. an unrelated part of the dream ended in me asking someone to go for red (which is tomorrow) and she refused coz she was going out with her friends...and the i asked someone else, and they all happen to be girls! ironic, huh. and another part of the dream focussed on me finishing school early and going to orchard....

sigh
dreams.

Had medical checkup today, which meant that I had to wake up at 7. consequently the rememberance of my dream became even more concrete. it was so, so, weird, i could tell you that. It all started off with this really funny emotional-lovey-dovey song that was playing, which made this girl feel so ..,unoe..that we hugged....and it was so funny. coz the girls' a really obscure one. haha. speak of weirdness. and then it progressed on to wishing another girl happy birthday, though i hardly know the girl at all, before i actually forgot i had an exam, and forgot which exam it was...until i realised it was history....we trooped into class, before realising that you know, it was a singapore history paper, with many many questions, and from each section of three you choose one....and it had questions about a burmese king who came to singapore to assassinate a local prince, and about the periods of war in the 1860s *what war, i don't know....there must have been!* a burmese invasion, and the quesitons were all short questions, but you didn't know how many marks they were! so we were supposed to scribble on and on and on.... and rolly allowed us to bring the paper home! so sneakily i checked the answers...before going back to school to have breakfast with 1b at ghim moh....and that's how the dream ended.
so surreal. yucks.
wonder if you all can beat that. haha.

Have you ever been so stoned before, your head's in a daze, chocolate has lost all its aroma and flavour, the pillow's inviting....intl' economy's so boring...music has no charm, there's absolutely no rhythm, you just want to rest in some Dvorak or some mellow crap. Woke up at 2'o'clock today and went back to sleep at 5--just that sorta hangover, and couldn't wake up for dinner. man. music beats irritate the 'ell out of me, and i think audioslave's vocalist has a really ugly voice, whereas the subtle mellow horns of the largo from dvorak's new world was so inviting, so peaceful. so spiritual.

Audioslave's 'Like a stone' was pilfering through my head today: ironic, tho it's not what the song intended, huh. never mind. stone is stone.

happy birthday jeremY!
it was pure exuberant energetic energy yesterday...prolly a sugar rush of coke and all. wonderful. couldn't sleep till about 5, stayed over at darren's, played war3, jammed a lil, talked....ahha how fun can your hols get? i'm gonna have real good memories man. just to bring some along with me. don't think so much...don't worry...but be happy...live for the good things in life! yeah!
ms lim...have a wonderful marriage yeah. haha. although no one really reads this.nice to see all the rj pple again, huh. but then again i din really miss them. haha.
=)
oh well, mebbe just a few ^_^

You know, it's surprising how some people just can't listen to music properly you know. i think it's an art, just to listen to music...i mean if people'd only learn how to listen properly, they'd be able to appreciate the harmonious blend and swell of classical music....when the chord is played with perfect intonation, there's a 'swell', since the harmonic overtones of the 5ths and 3rds can be heard distinctively and the chord blends in together....there's the sounds of angels, there's the sounds of a purity, a cleansing, that is just so delightful. it's not just technical stuff, it really happens, one just has to open his ears and listen intently, to let the music come to you. also, like they can't tell if someone is singing off? or if a pitch is off? that's really surprising. i mean, when the singer's voice doesn't blend musically with the instrumentations, that's definitely off, isn't it? matchbox 20's unwell is off, sometimes, since rob thomas doesn't sing exactly on the note itself...same for third eye blind... when one listens, stop listening just to the lyrics, or the chords, or the bass line, but how the whole songs fits in...all e elements should fit in nicely....and that's the only way you're gonna get that understanding of music and appreciation. if not one'll never grow in music appreciation! i mean, with regards to intonation, there's no margin for error, so long as it's not on the dot, it's off. unless the note is perfectly intoned, the song's never gonna transcend into something beautiful, or to produce any of the pure emotions. sheesh. at guitar club some pple just can't hear it. and 440hz has a kind-of classical beauty about it, seriously. it's when Mozart sounds so melodic and simple and balanced and reminiscent of order in the universe...the shifts of a chord, from a 4th to a 5th is simply a whole change in mood....the 4th is more 'gospel-like' and more summer-like, whereas the 5th is trying to resolve itself to a 1st....and the interrupted cadence 5-6 is a surprise, really an 'interruption', unexpected...the dissonances are trying to resolve itself to consonance, and there's the tension...
and if only people open their ears they'll listen to good music, and not that crap you get on radio....in the world where a toilet bowl can be art, we need some absolute nuances of what good art is.

Yesterday certainly was fun: we were at the Hard Rock Cafe to see bands perform, at the Revolution Centerstage: the slots, and later on mute, tho i din get to see the last act. the slots were pretty good, as a cover band, simply coz they played all the nice songs~ weezer's hash pipe, radiohead's just, coldplay's yellow, to mention the highlights...even seven nation army. wow. my one free drink was a bourbon coke which was pretty nicely done....it had some meat in it....oh before that we were shopping around and it was just fun yeah? exuberant, if i may say so. energetic. din matter what happened, we just went there to do what we felt like, haha. and guitar club was good, as well...tho i woke up at9.20, which isn't unexpected, i must say i'm getting my sense of talkativeness and fun back, some energy in my life again, it's back to good ol' j1 days: life isn't that bad after all, is it? when you think about As and NS it seems like a pretty depressing thought but why should that be the case? hmmph!
oh well, rock and roll's just fun. it's just rock and roll

don't know whether i should blog...it's such a mess to keep blogging and remembering.....like my friend once so aptly said, it's no point to recall the moments in your life since every moment is different, so just go and enjoy the next moment that comes instead of trying to recapture the old moments...or something to that effect.

Lord, we don't deserve anything....and unless we realise that, and just give thanks for everything, no matter how minute, how can we be thankful and experience joy? Give thanks! Be humble! Only if we have the right relationships with God and man can we really be happy.

I don't know. I'm a mess right now. there are times when you want to escape, don't you. we're full of contradictions and maybe the only way to live is to escape the mess of contradictions that are there. coz who are we, really? argggghh....................falling into oblivion.

So i went pub-crawling with darren. went to orchard's street festival, before trooping down to the esplanade, where there was a pretty good australian band called fruit playing, which was really quite pro, they had their own cd, and even asked a member of the audience to do a jig-along with them! pretty cool, huh...and they've got showmanship.... embassy was really quite crowded from outside, but i heard from everyone it was pretty fun, so, sigh, wasted, huh? We snugged into crazy elephant after crossing boat quay to clarke quay, to hear a zai guitarist, okay, a very zai guitarist, improvise on blues with his strat...wow wow.
Today's cell was pretty interesting. i think it's a change in perspective, really. Stop thinking about God as the punisher of our fallen nature, but as God being really loving and caring and all that, and knowing all our faults even before we commit them! it's a much more forgiving God I have to see. since it is written, 'there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus', and since we're saved, we're happy!! yeah! joyful! rejoice! we're going to heaven! yeah! this world is not my home! and the mentor said something about, loving yourself, before you can love others, and that's so true, ahh...stay the same. love yourself. God loves you.... and yeah....we were made for relationships, since even God is in relationship (the Father, Son, Holy Spirit)...so true, so true. and so I'm gonna feel good about myself and stop all that self-depricating being-scared-of-everything nonsense man, that comes with the dwelling on the fact that we are fallen....that was before we were saved, but things are so different now! So why waste our life away by dwelling in our fallenness? rejoice in our redemption! yeah!!!!!
the world's a messed up place, but we can always make a difference. and GOD WILL MAKE A WAY...yay! these are the days of elijah... and it is because of GOD's grace and GOD's love that we are here....and when He is with me, everything is better....somehow..somehow... my guitar playing sounds nicer. can write more songs. everything. pool, soccer, the works. haha.
and an essential ingredient in relationships is mutual respect of another..think that is so true, so true.
and giving 100% in a relationship, and looking for consistency, rather than the 'sparkle' of added attention, since that is true character as opposed to faking it. romance last three years...haha. so short ah?=-)

oh, played soccer just now actually..should've scored on a one-on-one, but didn't. haizz. a pity, a pity..... tried some flicks which din really work. oh well. must work on my soccer, gonna get some boots, hopefully?

Ah, the answer is, no! Or at least, I don't think so.
my parents don't really like me clubbing, i guess. ahhhh. I prayed about it, asking Him to tell me whether to go or not, and it seems He says no, haha, coz someone just called me to go to orchard to watch the street festival, so i guess, it's no. well well.

To club, or not to club? that is the question.

Oh well. today has been a pretty stoned day, i got to start moving around and start feeling again. being stoned is just a waste of time: one feels nothing. the night has been better, though. thankfully.

There's something wrong with my archives, is there not, oh well. can't seem to access it: will someone tell me what the problem is? Actually come to think of it you'd like blogger. blogger gives you an opportunity to explore yourself and to release anything you want to say to the world...

Oh actually music was brilliant in my ears yesterday. music just being wonderful....simply wonderful. swooningly beautiful. smile-inducingly refreshing and delightful. ah well it didn't last, did it. looking at the bands that were playing yesterday outside cine and it becomes rather exciting, this street festival.

I've got to find God again: I keep thinking He's angry with me, I gotta go back...His love and grace is greater than all my sin, His love and grace is greater than all my sin... You know what, we're just not of the world, we just don't belong, and it couldn't be otherwise. Those who want to follow You, the world would hate. That change in perspective has to come, if not we all fall into being servants of the world and not Royal children of God that have been called to a greater mission.
Just want to burst out in song sometimes.

You see, there's the perpetual contradiction: part of me wants to have fun and live, while the other is contemplating on issues that are far greater than the grasp of my understanding.

Ahh...looks like my pool's getting better, if only some of the shots would just fall! anyway had quite a bit of fun, watching nemo, hanging around, chit-chatting, playing pool, oh well, that]s the life that hols should be, not sit-at-home and study. Sigh. life's like this, huh. anyway i just wrote a song which is quite good, actually: it's rock. i'm back to writing pop music, woo hoo!
Oh mayor of casterbridge is quite interesting....lol i'm abt to finish it. and finding nemo was interesting also...gee dory is such a bimbo man she just reminds you of every little bimbotic girl out there.haha.
haven't got much to say, really, just living and not thinking. it's a bit easier on me brain.

Been listening to classical music, appreciating the thoughtfulness and the peace, stillness and calm of those instruments that blend in. And of course it's soothing to listen to, and it makes you want to pay attention to the music, to give it respect, since it demands one's attention by not boldly thrusting itself into your face. But of course there's the tendency that the music becomes bland and uninspiring, particularly if the music is composed mainly of sequences and devices without any thought to melody, or tune, or an organic construction of music. On the other extreme is pop, thrust straight into your face, demanding you catch it, but sometimes without the thoughtfulness of the former: it is just musak, at it's worst. It doesn't have the sensitivity that classical has, where each chord change is essential, a shift from a minor to major signifying something, a return to the tonic means returning to the point of rest, a finality: dissonance resolved by consonance is essential and inevitable. Classical music demands a sensitivity that people need to cultivate, somehow, to the art of music, itself: a chord change is crucial because it is. it's not just to fill up the bars.
But of course, both has its merits, and good music is good music because it has soul and feeling, whether it is classical, or pop, or rock. Oh well.

Life is getting better I guess, thank God. hmmz. wrote some songs today, starting work on a string quartet. but i'll never finish, anyhow. haha. Guess my piano's touch is coming back, i feel i can actually make it sing again. I'm more in control of myself, i suppose.

Sigh. It’s real annoying when you just want to let it all out in a blog entry and Blogger appears to be down. Its sad, sad.

Is it true that all of us are social beings? Able to communicate, able to live and to talk and to be with others and all that? Sadly some of us, being so resigned to the small plot of social-skills left-over from the partygoers and extroverts alike, have to content ourselves with. Which is the saddest thing of all. Those that are lookers and have the party life don’t need any of that. And for us, our body language makes us irritants to the masses out there. And our speech is harsh and is found wanting, in trying to actually communicate. And we get misunderstood so easily. Our jokes have no punch, they just fade away into the distance. You look around and you see people enjoying themselves, and I’m the morose one trying my best to be someone and fit in and finding myself confined to the outside, desperately looking in. It’s one of those themes you can’t loose yourself from, how to fit in. Am I really that hard to communicate with? Do people get intimidated by who I am? Just a humble old soul, really, I am. It’s depressing that people always get the wrong impressions, until they really know me and find me quite alright, hopefully. It’s a maniac slumber that everyone has to struggle with, until the cords snap loose and we get tossed into the ocean, where it might be better. Away and free. And no one will bother about you except God up there and there is such solitude, if there is loneliness. but then no one will notice you, really. You cry but your cries appear as though they are ice-cold shards, flint spears trying to cut through the happiness of the conversation to bring these eyes to awareness of that one tossed about in the sea by the waves, and is immediately chastised and we can go back to life as usual. But how can we?
Don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s a maniacal life we have to lead. We can’t follow our dreams, since inevitably some things just are and it’s too difficult to change them. And it’s easy for everyone to say, look, just do this and that and you’d be fine, but somehow you can’t get over it. No one gets over the things that happen to us, do they. And how they shape you to become who you’ve become. Sell the artistic side to get back your easy-goingness you’ve lost. Don’t think so much. Sigh. It’s like telling the person who can’t get the math into their head, just do this and do this, and they get it after a while, and they go back and they realize how confusing it all is, and when they want to try again, they can’t. it’s the same old thing that happens. You get it, then you lose it straightaway.