Saturday, September 06, 2003

I NEED to get out of the house, man, i'm just dying inside, and being unproductive studying. it's much better to go to coffee bean and finish loads of notes or something sigh.
had a really weird dream yesterday, something exotically oriental. i dreamt i was in hongkong, or was it shanghai [i've never been there actually] and we were at a hotel, and there were lovely attractions like a game thing when you like control robots to fight, or something, and also a nice buffet spread that had sushi and exotic abalone and other stuff, and other little attractions in the hotel. and later on it turned out to be this military cop chase....so weird. like how my friend and i managed to snuff out some rebel by disguising myself as his friend while the other person climbed through the roof access! it's so weird!

oh crap i even dreamt i was racing a formula one car around a circuit and boy did i do so badly! i think it was a really small circuit, almost like a stadium. sigh the things you dream of.

and there was even a stupid chinese song 'sheng shui yue' or soemthing playing in the background. irritants. woke up feeling really strange. chinese. eeks

hacving a bad stomach ache now.

Friday, September 05, 2003

I'm on the upward mend, hopefully. been in a funk the whole day man. it's like, thinking so much, and worrying sick, and trying to mend myself, and being restless, taking ventolin shots, thinking abt getting cancer in the lungs and all that. my word it was hellish, simply hellish. in the end i decided to sleep. woke up, went to the doctor's, sigh, but he assured us that it was just some muscular thing and more psychological anxiety than anything, and din charge us! so nice of him.

yeah so now you know what i'm so relaxed. It's so nice to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, the glorious melodic strains of music, or just a simple spaghetti, or you know talking with friends. just not thinking so much. no wonder oscar wilde said 'happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know', because it is, empirically! when you keep thinking so much, you just get yourself all worked up, and you don't realise that life is a natural, organic construct and not an artificial logical one, as the book 'hard times' should have told me long ago. in fact when you don;'t think thats when you're the happiest. its no wonder no one is happy during exam times, coz they're always thinking and trying to remember. i guess the only solution is to think, but only about school work, and use your heart for the rest of the time. because life ultimately is about the heart and the feelings, not the thoughts! listening to music is the same thing. if we'd just listen organically without thinking about the notes, and like what patterns it forms, or whether the 'so' is sharp or flat, then how much happier we'd be! because that just seems to be so evident.

its being able to appreciate silence without trying to fill the silence with some stupid thought running through your head.

it's what the GP passage said. when one expects too much out of life, one is never satisfied. sigh, so true, so true.

okay just dont think. don't think. haha.

okay God i'm coming back please be with me. you know that's y thinking is not good, coz thinking is using man's own wisdom to supplant the natural order: but not thinking then allows for a divine intervention that is much better. okay this sounds really primitive to those so-called academics out there but who cares. i'm a human being, not a debating machine or something.

yups. thinking is not good. conclusion no 1 for the day.
i'm a wreck. in total limbo. i need rescuing. nothing to say.

i'm trying to find some way that i can talk to you but there's nothing i can do. sigh. you don't care about me anyhow so there's nothing left to say.


though i played tennis pretty well yesterday, just returning well and getting a nice srtoke on the ball. gp paper was quite good and i was super on-form and hyper and later on i was so hyper after lit it was nice but that's that and it degenerated into this mess after that. a spinning insect, without a sense of life.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

just played the piano with wen en just now...with our lovely young audience of one...duana. haha. wells. wen en played his version of 'mary had a little lamb', which was rather interesting coz it was minor, and in 3/4, and well he just loves to pervert songs! i still remember his 'be thou my dildo' really long ago, but this one was about the sheep who was black and who killed the farmer. sigh. but it was quite a nice melody i thought. oh wells. some tori amos too. wah that was nice, just spending ur time in the music room away from society playing the piano, how quaint. how bourgeois. too bad my piano never sounded that good. ahhh. we played 'nobody cares', lyrics by him and music by me...man that one has great potential i must add....haha i like it. okay nvm. stop gushing....there was a piano piece he wrote that was quite nice also, and i tried my little tunes that i'm gonna add for my classical symphonic tone poem, the 2nd theme and the 3rd theme....man actually it sounds good on the piano also! wen en wants a piano concerto or something..haha that piano probably sounds nicer than the pianist. gees. its like, all of a sudden you're chopin1 haha fat hope=)

okay nvm. i woke up feeling really really weird, coz i just had this weird dream of being at a buffet, and like there were clams going for $1, and mr reeves and purvis were there, and like they had a bottle of wine, and like they didn't want to share any of it with me! how horrible! so i was like throwing my tantrum all over, and like being such a bitch to my parents, to my dad and my mum, and we were like quarreling, in church, and being just a foul-mouthed belligrent boy. my word. when i woke up it was so weird coz i dreamt i quarreled rite, so you could imagine how weird it was to be talking to my mum in the morning. sigh.

the key is in the 'La', the subdominant. it must be tuned perfectly. if not nothing really works haha.

though yesterday it was really nice. it's so nice when the Holy Spirit is with you [the Spirit is always with you, it's just that i guess sometimes you know its more? haha dunno]. it's like, i don't know how to describe it. it's like, joy overflowing from your heart, you laugh, and you just can't help smiling, and everything is beautiful and you're just so happy and you wanna dance and clap and sing 'from the mountains, to the valleys, hear our praises, rise to You' and so on. sigh. it is so nice. the quiet time passage was something from romans about Jesus interceding for us, and how the Spirit intercedes for us. rather nice i guess. and how God already knows whats in our hearts and answers our prayers. how nice eh. yeahh.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

today could beat sunday! great day! just super hyper throughout, just didn't really care....didn't have my mind play tricks on me, no self-consciousness, just a nice little feeling, being vivacious and all! yeah...i mean thats' the life, the simple life. no need for all that reflection, that insecurity, and all that. but let's just live. sitting back reflecting's the most stupid thing in the world, coz you spend all your time reflecting you've forgotten to live. yeah yeah. hello. nice nice.

just had this bad headache, but this song 'loving you' by minnie rippleton just made it so nice and fuzzy so i'm really okay now. thats really good. haha. music as a metaphor for spiritual well-being or something, so shakespeare says.

yesterday's class gathering was not bad actually...really cool to see so many teachers together. haha. eating and laughing. not bad...sigh.=)

Sunday, August 31, 2003

If any day could beat yesterday, today might be it! Woke up real late, but like got to church in time. had real good time with churchmates playing pool and stuff, and it was nice coz well for the first time I wasn't really self-conscious, you know, like, okay bugger I'm in and you know I don't care! Yeah that was probably a more comfortable attitude to take.

my mind just worked pretty well, hehs. seems like getting the melody back. i can sorta hear chords now, again, when i'm writing tunes, and its nice coz then its more natural, i guess. was really productive today: wrote a party tune, a boyband song thats not bad, a J-rock styled piece, and i don't know what else...hehs. watching VMA was really cool coz it was so bouncy and stuff and gee madonna and hollywood....wow. and later on man u got trashed (oh only 1-0) well how better can it get? its like, gimme back the rhythm, man!

gee i love being well. thank God i'm well. hopefully. eeks.