Friday, June 25, 2004

When we were young we thought we could conquer the world. So I thought of big plans, and what i could do, but it is now distant, and i am left to rue the paths that i did not follow. what would i be if i had taken them? only God knows. but it seems as though i've lost that inner joy that was in me to become who i am and who i want to be. that inner joy that stems not from things but from God and from a knowledge that 'i can do anything through Christ who gives me strength'. So somehow that is lost and i remain, passive, sedated, waiting for life to bless me and hurt me, rather than being in control of my own destiny. that's the way shawn has been. maybe it's because of disappointment, maybe it's a disorientation, but somehow i'm not the same anymore.

And now the world rushes by, and too few are the things that I have done, which I had wanted to do; time moves on, unable to turn itself back ; gone are the opportunities i once had to fully live my 12th year, or my 18th, for that matter. because, as people say, we are unable to fully live life until we realise how there's no turning back. 'youth is wasted on the young'.

And so i remain a silent observer of life. Unable to join in the game anymore, sitting there, observing how everything moves and how people enjoy and how they interact. and all i do is to explain what is happening when i really wanted to be back in it.

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i just realised that the difference between Christians and non-Christians is that, for Christians, they can never be truly happy away from God, nor can they be truly sad with God. happiness, after all, is God. deep down, it is.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

I just had the weirdest of dreams yesterday.
I dreamt that there was this girl (okay don't ask who it is) who was sitting in some large hall and I was trying to get her attention but then, she never did, for once, look at me! like, i saw many girls sitting around, and she sat at the back row center next to another and I was staring all around but somehow she was content to look elsewhere. sigh i'm a failure. maybe it's a sign of something lah.

and there was another girl, and i remembered i tickled her ear and everyone was looking at me lik what's his problem.

okay i must seek psychatric help. i think i need it....must be army ah.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

One word: I love the acoustics in the Esplanade Concert Hall. Beautiful. You hear the sound of silence, the ringing tone that comes after all is still. And in that stillness of air, you hear beautiful melodies and rounded harmonies.
That's cool for you.


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Having too high expectations of life really sucks, personally. I guess because I've enjoyed lots of highs and fun, especially with good friends from last time, being involved in all of that, I'd tend to expect the same things now. I tend to expect that every outing, or talk, we'll have would be one with some form of meaning, some form of deep connection, not just a mundane tete-a-tete that means absolutely nothing. But no, I cannot expect that. i must not. Expecting that only means that when it doesn't happen I become insecure and start questioning my whole existence and how come it doesn't really happen.when all you get is 'friendly his and simple goodbyes' (from 'i cannot expect). maybe that's why i prefer the company of girls sometimes, because guys often find it difficult to express their emotions. i can't blame them. but sometimes it gets too much when all they speak of is National Service and guns and all that. i mean, yeah everyone is in Army now, and maybe i'll never understand this, but, dont' you find it a bit more sian when you're OUT of army and you still wish you're BACK IN it from the way you talk?
i'll never understand it. but even when boys were not in NS i could never really understand what they were actually feeling at the moment, or if they were feeling anything. because most of the times boys think, they dont' feel. at least they try to keep an objective logical stance on any issue which really irks me because i believe that no stance is truly logical or objective anyway. so...

(oh btw i love bloggging. i feel much better after that. it certainly helps you to straighten out your thoughts because sometimes all you need to do is write)

so that's why going out with girls are betta! girls, you can talk to, they enjoy and understand emotions much more, and they try to blend in rather than wanting their own way, at least in the general sense that's the impression i get. i mean, head-strength is a masculine quality, while acqueisence a female one, isn't it.


but i really know it's all God's will and sometimes that's all I need to know.