Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I’m kinda hard up now. Hard up for the good things in life to come and come and come without giving anything of myself away. Wanting to take more, and more, till one day I sink and swim in an ocean of gifts and blessings. Such is a result of my repressed state of mind that I end up like this, a state that, thanks to RJC and all sorts of influences, slowly sinks into never-ending-nothingness. Coming from a world that tells you you have to be the best in order to survive, what more do I now know?

I was not like that last time. I was content to just doing my thing, living my life quietly, enjoying the little simple pleasures that come my way as gifts from God, not thinking too much about what I needed to do to ‘prosper’ and all that. When I treated life like everything was a bonus, I began to enjoy it even more than I would have if I had felt they were expected, I deserved it. Naw. But slowly things changed. In addition to my growing up came this hard-up-ness about me, because I felt things slipping away, I felt my life reducing to nothingness, and I just want to keep the bits that I still had with me. If you’d say, I was nicer 3, 4 years ago, it is probably true. Now, I expect too much. I expect fun after every outing, if not I’d feel disappointed. I’d expect to be the center of attraction. It really sucks. Why can’t I be normal?

We build ourselves around the wrong things. It really should be God as the pinnacle, the base, the support, not songs that you write, music, your friends that will fail you, or even your family. And once the focus is wrong, any little chink to these mortal elements will inevitably cause your whole world to collapse. I hope mine hasn’t.

I am slowly rediscovering my life again. Speaking with J in the office about his friends and deep issues brought me back to the days where I would sit in Coffee Bean/Starbucks speaking about human relationships to my little buddies. Back to the times of sitting in the train pondering over little issues, and discovering new friends, and treasuring friendships before they slip away. It’s speaking of deeper issues that lie beneath the surface and thinking how fortunate you are to have friends. It is not taking people for granted, but treating them as precious jewels that we are fortunate enough to meet. Sometimes you have to, you’ll never know.

‘I’ll drown my beliefs, to have you be in peace’


Sunday, April 04, 2004

My songlist now:

1. Bic Runga: Sway
2. Jason Mraz: You and I both
3. Kelly Chen: Ji Shi Ben
4. Jay Chou: Dong Feng Po
5. Jay Chou: Fen Lie/An Jing
6. Remy Zero: Save me
7. Tal Bachman: She's so high
There's something wonderful abt Wala-Wala. it's almost homely. it's kinda like people just responding to the music and everything's nice and wonderful and people are talking and having fun.

that's what we are all about. people and their relationships and atmospheres. i'lll have enough of being technical and absolutely anal and concentrate on getting the feel, the flow, the vibe. it's not the hard mechanics of life, it's more, the undescribable intangibles.

because when we raise the hooegarden and chill out with your friends and talk all sorts of rubbish you feel high and rather warm and nice. u can get away for a while in a dark little room with nice lamp shades and aweesome music.

--
on another note, the combo band's doing well. we're gelling and getttng the music in shape, all ready for the police to come visit us.
--

played soccer and bball today. bball was so-so, made 2 nice floaters tt was really good, but the rest was lousy. in the end it got kinda boring. at least i didn't miss the layups. but soccer was much more fun, although i cramped very very badly. almost 10 minutes. had 2 people to help me stretch my calfs and all, because they were tensing up (both of them), so you can imagine how agonisingly painful it was. until now (almost 5 hours later) i still can't walk properly. sigh. damn.

but i was all over e place. sigh. they had to put like 3 people on me as i wiggled henrylike through their defence. haha. too bad i only scored one, from a corner kick. so many opportunites to score. sigh. nvm i'll be happy providing for people.


why can't people be nice. it sucks. sigh. stress and pressure. the greatest test is not how you act towards me when we're all happpy and partying. it's how you act towards me in stress and pressure and in dire circumstances. will you still be nice.