coming out of my cage -
what cage?
Friday, February 24, 2012
Never mind I'll find someone like you
Seems like youve got someone new . No expectations I had really, just a little pain - my own fault for not guarding my heart and letting it run away. Sigh. The heart is deceitful over all things, who can fathom it?
Ok everyone be happy that's all I can say. Whoever said I've outgrown my emo stage ??
The someone new is really cool I believe. Charming handsome cute and all those things an emo boy is not. He's got game. Ok fine I understand.
Ok everyone be happy that's all I can say. Whoever said I've outgrown my emo stage ??
The someone new is really cool I believe. Charming handsome cute and all those things an emo boy is not. He's got game. Ok fine I understand.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
It's a bit like Lionel Messi coming into the S-League to play soccer against your team (thankfully I'm not the left back or right back). Just don't have game, Shawn!
*^*()*&^%^&*(
Gotta learn how to be "fake" happy - being an INFP is horrible in the context of being cool. Friends, we feel too much. Learning to be that kind of feeling individual is not what's required. What's required is the ability to wait out, to "dong" through the storm, to let it just wash away, to be mindful to just "observe" instead of doing anything.
Like I said, you can't fight Lionel Messi. We all have passions, and I'm going to do something about it. Watch this space :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Happiness, spontaneity, and the lack of dopamine
People always ask me how come I don't seem genuinely happy. To be honest, from an outsider's perspective, it would seem rather easy for me - I am, after all, talented in music (not as much as some people but sufficiently so, by the grace of God), not too bad looking (except a bit fat), have a decent job (as a lawyer now), a good family (not a broken one, as my mother would keep reminding me), have loads of friends (although mostly acquaintances and only a few close ones), etc.
But do they know the struggle inside? The struggle that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, a disorder of the brain that creates thoughts that do not seem to want to resolve itself, BAD THOUGHTS that keep floating in my mind and refuses to leave. It is by the grace of JESUS that I still live, and still stand alive today. I spoke with Christ about this OCD and he told me that "my grace is sufficient for you" (this was circa Saturday morning, before my visit to my shrink). "My grace is sufficient for you" - what a wonderful promise. Everytime I speak to Christ he tells me in love to "put my helmet of salvation on" and that he calls me dear, "dear Shawn" - that I am dearly loved. The perennial question is NOT to let my illness destroy the hope that I have in Christ - the hope that still is deep within me that is born out of GOD and not out of men. The hope that does not stem from simple things of the world, but of a deeper sense that God has planted the seed of hope in me, and it cannot be destroyed.
To that note, I repeat Stuart Townend's song, "there is a hope", which states impressively what this whole "hope" is about. Something unflinching, something that never dies, and never ends.
Good night.
But do they know the struggle inside? The struggle that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, a disorder of the brain that creates thoughts that do not seem to want to resolve itself, BAD THOUGHTS that keep floating in my mind and refuses to leave. It is by the grace of JESUS that I still live, and still stand alive today. I spoke with Christ about this OCD and he told me that "my grace is sufficient for you" (this was circa Saturday morning, before my visit to my shrink). "My grace is sufficient for you" - what a wonderful promise. Everytime I speak to Christ he tells me in love to "put my helmet of salvation on" and that he calls me dear, "dear Shawn" - that I am dearly loved. The perennial question is NOT to let my illness destroy the hope that I have in Christ - the hope that still is deep within me that is born out of GOD and not out of men. The hope that does not stem from simple things of the world, but of a deeper sense that God has planted the seed of hope in me, and it cannot be destroyed.
To that note, I repeat Stuart Townend's song, "there is a hope", which states impressively what this whole "hope" is about. Something unflinching, something that never dies, and never ends.
Good night.
true life lessons
I'm back from Phuket, a little burnt.
Learnt some important life lessons: (1) there will always be some bigger fish out there in the sea. it's inevitable. you're only as good as your last ... hit single (see Whitney - whether she was depressed or not, I don't know), but it's true - you're only as good as the next time when another bigger cooler smarter posher fish comes along. (2) people don't have perfect information and thus you need to sell yourself - they cant' read your bloddy minds. so have to sell yourself, bopian. it's life, it's so unbohemian but then again we're in singapore. if i were somewhere else it'll be much easier, but i have to learn that hey this is singapore. everyone cares about appearances, faces. it's not a perfect world out there. pretty imperfect actually. As someone said, you "maketh the best, not the worsth". Really? sometimes one needs to have that higher level of FAITH in God to believe that whatever comes out of your situation is good. and I can't keep on giving the excuse that I have little faith to be something different, something that I can be. Doesn't work that way does it? No, didn't think so.
blah i'm ranting at 2.25am in the morning and it reminds me of my teenage days which were rather angst-ridden and unproductive, really. Still on the mend, still on the mend, but sometimes lapsing back into the past. arghhhhhhhhh
I must not LET MYSELF GET EMO ARGHHHHH *($%^&*()^%R$E#$%^&*(.
IT'S SO IRRITATINGGGGG
i like to look at life circumspectively, with all these things up my sleeve, and thinking aloud to myself - it gives me the tingles on my back which is really quite lovely a sensation to have. but then again it is again UNPRODUCTIVE thinking. in fact it just makes everything ugly and you look through life thinking what the ___ could i have done better.
i don't think i can. it's not me anyway. i'm not going to sing lady gaga that i was "born this way", but then again, i'm not here to be thrown to the hoards of fishermen out there, like simple sardines. when it happens, it'll be special, no doubt about that. just like how everything fits together, one day it will be special.
Really now?
shawn you're just freaking scared to go alone into the dark
but i'm scared! i've been bitten before. do i grow stronger or do i flinch back? i can't tell really. what the hell am i doing as a lawyer? i also can't tell. Not enough balls to go and break out of this, perhaps.
(who reads this blog anyway huh huh huh huh huh)/
and i know that we're making mistakes again and again but do i ever learn? hardly hardly.
i sound a bit like aaron tan talking to himself actually (seen the video before? it's hilarious, really - i could just watch that over and over again).
i swear, all i need is a bit of adele or rachael yamagata, and snuggle in. sounds so amazing. but yeah. it's a wonderful sensation yeah, to be a little bit emo and a little bit...drunk. it helps the soul to numb itself from pain and hurt. hurt because of expectations that frankly speaking shouldn't have been there. but things happen. as it is written, "the heart is deceitful above all else". we are all a bit messed up inside, but that is the way things are. can't be helped yeah.
(i love blogging actually ,damn therapeutic). in fact it's almost as therapeutic as a spa treatment. no kidding.
good night world i guess tomorrow i will feel better.
Learnt some important life lessons: (1) there will always be some bigger fish out there in the sea. it's inevitable. you're only as good as your last ... hit single (see Whitney - whether she was depressed or not, I don't know), but it's true - you're only as good as the next time when another bigger cooler smarter posher fish comes along. (2) people don't have perfect information and thus you need to sell yourself - they cant' read your bloddy minds. so have to sell yourself, bopian. it's life, it's so unbohemian but then again we're in singapore. if i were somewhere else it'll be much easier, but i have to learn that hey this is singapore. everyone cares about appearances, faces. it's not a perfect world out there. pretty imperfect actually. As someone said, you "maketh the best, not the worsth". Really? sometimes one needs to have that higher level of FAITH in God to believe that whatever comes out of your situation is good. and I can't keep on giving the excuse that I have little faith to be something different, something that I can be. Doesn't work that way does it? No, didn't think so.
blah i'm ranting at 2.25am in the morning and it reminds me of my teenage days which were rather angst-ridden and unproductive, really. Still on the mend, still on the mend, but sometimes lapsing back into the past. arghhhhhhhhh
I must not LET MYSELF GET EMO ARGHHHHH *($%^&*()^%R$E#$%^&*(.
IT'S SO IRRITATINGGGGG
i like to look at life circumspectively, with all these things up my sleeve, and thinking aloud to myself - it gives me the tingles on my back which is really quite lovely a sensation to have. but then again it is again UNPRODUCTIVE thinking. in fact it just makes everything ugly and you look through life thinking what the ___ could i have done better.
i don't think i can. it's not me anyway. i'm not going to sing lady gaga that i was "born this way", but then again, i'm not here to be thrown to the hoards of fishermen out there, like simple sardines. when it happens, it'll be special, no doubt about that. just like how everything fits together, one day it will be special.
Really now?
shawn you're just freaking scared to go alone into the dark
but i'm scared! i've been bitten before. do i grow stronger or do i flinch back? i can't tell really. what the hell am i doing as a lawyer? i also can't tell. Not enough balls to go and break out of this, perhaps.
(who reads this blog anyway huh huh huh huh huh)/
and i know that we're making mistakes again and again but do i ever learn? hardly hardly.
i sound a bit like aaron tan talking to himself actually (seen the video before? it's hilarious, really - i could just watch that over and over again).
i swear, all i need is a bit of adele or rachael yamagata, and snuggle in. sounds so amazing. but yeah. it's a wonderful sensation yeah, to be a little bit emo and a little bit...drunk. it helps the soul to numb itself from pain and hurt. hurt because of expectations that frankly speaking shouldn't have been there. but things happen. as it is written, "the heart is deceitful above all else". we are all a bit messed up inside, but that is the way things are. can't be helped yeah.
(i love blogging actually ,damn therapeutic). in fact it's almost as therapeutic as a spa treatment. no kidding.
good night world i guess tomorrow i will feel better.