The brain has to work. The brain has been left in utter lack of inspiration since the longest time--the SPH essay confirmed my utmost fears, that, to my horror and chagrin, what i thought was a brain was really just a stump.

a stump that blurs my eyes to a person i am speaking with, too afraid and insecure to look at him in the eye. a martyr complex that makes me refuse to protect myself in the event that i may offend. a syndrome, of being ignored. and most of all, the worst; a brain freeze. a brain freeze that leaves me even unable to actually capture what was really being said.

i should go and see a shrink. to allay my worst fears. perhaps i'm normal after all. i'm just misunderstood. but i've never seen myself as normal. no, no. it has always been, attention-seeking, perhaps. all because of my lack of natural abilities that such tactics have to come in to play a part. i can never accept the fact that i will never be like some others. (i have to learn, yes, God accepts me (after I repent, of course) the way He created me) but, oh, does it hurt sometimes. when you are incapable of saying anything useful.

i don't know, i always thought you could be life. but now whatever life i used to have might have been flushed out of me.

i have to sacrifice, yes, to give the best i have to love, and even if nothing comes back in return, it doesn't matter, perhaps i would be happy.
because one friend used to tell me that was all that mattered. what you believed in. it didn't matter what you would have gotten in return for what you did, but somehow you were happy with yourself.

that said, dont' go to max brenner. an absolute waste of time. haagen daaz is a much better proposition. that place is overrated and with lousy service. and i had such a weird dream which featured people that i had met last night, and it was quite weird just to say the least.

this week has been a good week so far, thank God. i've been reading a new book my prayer session brought me, which is 'Under Cover' by John Bevere. It's a wake-up call to obedience, to tell me to truly be a disciple and to intimately know God. to obey God = to love God, because 'if you love me, you will obey my commands.' what an important thought. there was quite a scary thought from Matthew 7 in how Jesus said 'Away from you, you evildoers! I never knew you!' and sometimes it just scares me and I hope i'll never be one of them. But perhaps I shall just take comfort in the fact that God will not tempt you more than you can bear. Hopefully. Please God.

been playing on the piano again, and i wrote a Christian song which was not bad. quite okay. i realised that usually my pitching is often too sharp and i just have to flatten it in my brain and then the chords on the piano sound full and nice and rounded. too often it just sounds outta tune, because my brain is outta tune. it's maddening. haha. 3rds flattened and 5ths raised are so really important, though. i keep harping on it but yeah.


i am tired but its chinese new year. happy chinese new year!