Things have been quite in limbo, but they're on the upward mend now. Was doing quiet time during lunch time and really like peering into the meanings of the Word of God, which really has so many layers that you understand what it means to see but not understand. it's only when you peel every word apart and realise the significance and connotations, and the sheer weight of every word, can you actually start to comprehend its full meaning. it is that profound, while looking deceptively simple at the same time. yes. the chapter was john 15, about how we must obey God's commandments if we love him, so we may abide in His love and that our joy may be full.
so yay. that's a good start. Jesus is my best friend now and that's a wonderful thing. it's like, you can sense his presence soemtimes.
i hope my friend/colleague comes to church. it'll be good for him. yay...

the reason i've been down is really because of a lack of sleep, i guess. nothing's worse than that. you get real paranoid, and the positivity and JOY that was once me is all gone. army makes it worse. i decided i'm not going to let 18 years of positive thinking and joy be taken away completely by just 2 years of dratty national service; i'm much better than that. i figured i'm going to tide out the time by just being positive and looking to see how i can imbue some of that positivity to others instead of letting myself be destroyed by all the cynicism about life and all the rank hierachy and so on. it'll be a shame if i did.

in music it's the same. there's just so much manufactured music in the world today that i feel a mission and a burning drive to bring some joy of music into the world and hopefully into the charts. so let me start now. it's not the same anymore. we're writing songs again, aren't we. we used to be paranoid about melody but in the end it's again the rhythms and the spirit as well, isn't it. i was reading some guide, which was quite useful.

went out today again. hmms. had really nice siao long bao which was really nice. haha.

this is starting to sound himbo that....hmms....

--

i happend to flip through a book in kino written by a singaporean about the difference between western culture and chinese culture. about how westerners are more egalitarian, there is a greater emphasis on the individual, while chinese culture is more hierarchal, and how there is an emphasis on society more, and keeping that harmony, which means that people are more or less stuck in their place; the only way out, henceforth, is to attain wealth, in order to move up the social ladder, which would explain the obsession with cars, condos, etc. you know. on the contrary, westerners also try to attain that dream, but in the end their self-worth is based on an intrinstic notion of their own worth, instead of how others view them, which is quite the case in chinese culture.
hmms. i don't know how much of that is true, but in camp it seems like material wealth and money is indeed very important for many. maybe it's because of their background, which really proves the 'hierachy of needs' theories are true and accurate; we can only really start to talk about all the other things if your basic needs are met, right? but somehow they're the little people of ravaloe once again.
for me, many people have asked, how come i'm so 'jia kantang', but i really can't help it. it's the people i grew up with, the things that i've learnt, the books i read, the music i listen to, everything's so englified that it would be a complete paradigm shift for me to suddenly start becoming chinese all over again, it's as though i'd need to be reborn and start all over again reading manga and all to actually understand what a chinese would actually think, or feel. so up till now i am still completely englified. I can say that, without any ashamedness whatsoever of my lack of chineseness in my ever-yellow skin. sorry, but acsi and actually even religion, the fact that i'm a Christian, and hence believe in Christian values, have somewhat made this alignment rather inevitable.