Already, three people have opiniated that 'christmas don't seem like christmas', and I totally agree. make that four, then.

Christmas is about God, but somehow it just seems like it's about yourself. it should be about fellowship and togetherness, not about busy schedules and work, and buying presents and cards. it should be happy. maybe it's because we've lost the need for good times, having finihsed the As and when everyday is a holiday. or maybe, more pertinently, it's because we're too caught up in our lives and fail to see the needs of others that we're in this funk. mebbe coz we're jaded. as a little kid i used to look forward to christmas, making the tree and all that. now it's just, a mess.

i'm staying at home now with the stupid flu, and it seems like my mobile phone is the only link between me and the outside world. at some parts it's nice, i'm relaxed, happy, and just in limbo, but at sometimes its plain torture, writhing on my bed in sheer pain. still, it's better that my life is simple and unadorned. i can sometimes breathe the fresh air again.

Somehow it doesn't feel like Christmas. I don't know what, but it doesn't. The spirit isn't right somehow? it's become a chore, become mundane. the spirit's lost. Sigh. God why...i just have to relax, right, and give it all away. tis betta to give then to receive, possibly.

Anyway. i echo debbie's feelings in saying that everyone should watch 'love me if you dare', because it is just a brilliant show. it's funny while carrying undertones of despair and overtones of love, 2 lovers doing everything but what they were destined for. is love a game? go catch it before it leaves. la vie en rose. haha. i watched it yesterday morning, bad time too...shld catch it again in a more emotional time.

service was okay...played electric...got to whack the distortion for a bit...a few chords. haha. was pretty good i think....we were quite tight. but the church piano desperately needs retuning. it's so OUT! and that means when u tune to an E, the As and all the rest are off, coz they aren't even in the right intervals. so how? sheesh. dilemna. if i tune to the keyboard and all that it'll be in tune, but then off with piano, and vice versa. jialat means that even if the whole band is in tune, the piano combined with it just makes it bad-sounding, since it only takes one instrument to be off. carolling was fun but very tiring. i realy wanted to go sam's place. but ah well. not nice. anger management was cock. playing 'O Holy night' on the piano wasn't. it was a whole lot of fun. finger gymnastics, they call it. seriously (Don't tell anyone) it's just arpeggios, going up and down, how difficult can it get? hehs.

i just woke up, at 3 more precisely....

I've been blogging so much, maybe because sickness has induced me to write. It's rather asinine, i believe, putting up words on a blog and trying to form an impression on others. it's lame. maybe a blog's just a way for me to collate my thoughts and trace their developments.

so what do i start off with? the most inane thing ever, dreams.

the funny thing about dreams is, they're sometimes so incoherent and so stupid. today's dream was about going back to ACSI as a student, can u imagine it, after JC life. it was so crazy because at that point in time we had literature, and ms mervlyn goh was asking us to analyse some poem. u noe, i think it was 'odysssey'. i don't remember having read such a poem before, let's just say i made it up. and someone else gave a rather good description of the first line, how God is 'I' and how men is '____(there's af unny word there I can't remember what)' and it was like, wow wow i couldn't think of that. and later on people were saying, wah RJ humans, how cum u can't do this stupid PC thing? so i just htought of some odd pt and it sounded so cheem everyone went ohhh ya but then i din even noe what the hell i was talking abt.

yesterday was a brillliant day for shopping. the streets teemed with people, balloons floated in the air, it was almost like party in the park. the stretch outside of lido/wheelock place was especally nice, all the way until taka...that junction, with its graceful trees and tall buildings flanking the road, reminded me of, well, maybe sydney or something...whatever it is, it wasn't ang moh kio.

Crap I hate being sick, i missed basketball for some good food. stupid right. Pete's place on sat was truly superb. wonderful, good food...the lamb was brilliant, so was the tiramisu. wala wala was great...it was nice cuz they played 'creep', and suddenly cut in with the opening chords of 'plush', and you knew it was going to be one good evening. the tequila sunrise wasn't bad at all, actually. 'walk like an egyptian', 'zombie', all first rate...the guitarist is really cool, and so was sherlyn (is that her name). sunday's food was brilliant also, BBQ, with great lamb and wonderful beef prepared by the pple at les amis. justin quek was there, i shaked his hand! haha okay nvm. friend of friend. but i think i ate too much ice cream and nuts, and this is the end result. asthma and coughing. wheezing. can't play basketball. what a ultimate b****/shame.

but i had nice dreams. well, you're bound to have them if u sleep like until 2 o'clock.

this is what i remember...
1. circle games: murderrer! (there wre 2 circles, wif C and C in them...haha)
2. going o kevin's house! (i dunno i distinctively remember a staircase)
3. going to bangkok (yet in the map it suspiciously looked like singapore)
the map actually looked like the singapore map...there were 2 beaches on the left and right side south (like west coast park and east coast park) but at the bottom (south) there was this whole patch of shopping area, and in the north-center there was the industrial estate which was all mouldy and smelly and no one goes there...it was funny, coz i was wondering where the sea would be. haha. i remembered travesting across the place in my buggy from one beach to the other, hopping over hills. haha.
4. being in an imaginary city, owning a small strip of it--> like an independent Monaco. yet we were losing money...there weren't any institutions, no police, no nothing, no schools....lots of shops, but no one was buying...there was just a long strip of shops (one part was air conditioned) and the other was not, and like people were moving their houses (its a dream remember) from an island to our land, becoz they wanted to be with us. it started out well, then fizzled out...we created banks. think that might help. it was funny when we created banks, yeah. we were purged by the mainland. sounds like taiwan. haha.

crap SATII wasn't fantastic, so how? never mind, hope the essays can salvage it. got 750 for writing and 660 for world history (not very smart to do world history, science students have it so much easier).

I am searching through blogger now to look for things to write about. Am thinking of 'self-identity' and an exploration of that concept with regards to my life as an issue. perhaps i might do that after all.

So tired. yesterday was a real busy day, had bball in the morning, a jam session in ws's house in the afternoon plus computer and lunches and hot dogs and fun, and a farewell for good ol' Mr Reeves at night at Bakers' Inn...great desserts and food, a bit of coffee and all that. so yah, great stuff. but i'm so tired now just woke up.

speaking of waking up, i dreamt of X. but then X just didn't look me in the eye. sounds familiar? haha. dreamt about a church stayover with mates, and alot of other things. but it just felt odd.

sheesh, it's not meant to be. haha.

CrAP, I keep spending so much money it's incredible. how do i live like that. gee. i'm spending on average 15 a day, and it's not even halfway through the week yet. plus i'm watching LOTR today and sigh i wonder how. gotta find some not-so-expensive activities.
haha gabriel if u're reading this u owe me FOOD. haha.=D (of course i can't get it from you if u're in melbourne rite....hee)
yes. like. not so expensive things like jamming or playing bball or mahjong or playing PS2...all these things are fun but are cheap. MC=0 (for the econs nuts). so yah. i probably can/should do more of those. playing pool and the works only leaves me with a gaping hole in my wallet, so i should probably cut down.

The more I look at friendster, the more I think it's stupid. it was nice at the start when everyone was saying nice things in their testimonials to everyone, but now it's cookie-cutter, you might as well cut and paste. it was refreshing at the start becoz friendster enabled pple to be positive, when there's so much rubbish going on in the world--testimonials were nice. but lately it has come to a stage when being nice is plain boring. I admire and applaud those who have decided to eschew their 'oh, she's so nice, she's so pretty, she's so..'UGH!!!! testimonials for something with a bit more meaning, like, 'she'd make a good rock star, i can imagine her pouting in front of the cameras'. Testimonials with a bit more definition to them, because right now i can faintly stand to read another one. of course everyone knows she's nice, cool, and all that, but it's retarded to keep saying it, like a broken record disk over and over again.

the thing is, one has to be one's own person, being unafraid to express one's own views and exude one's own personality. any other way is rubbish.

Nice good day had fun watched ELF
am singing those ELF songs

hear those sleigh bells tinkering
_____ too...
come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together
WITH YOO

outside the snow is falling and friends are calling you TOO
Come on its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with YOO

too bad in singapore we don't have any snow, hah.

SANTA CALUSE IS COMING TO TOWN! U BETTA WATCH OUT!!!! DON'T BE NOTTI!!!

oh crap. i want some snow. sheesh. i'd love to throw snowballs like i was firing bullets, BAM BAM BAM.

SHEESH. IT'S NICE NOT TO TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY. IT'S NICE TO HAVE FUN AND BE WILD AND JUST, EH, CRAP. BE CRAP.

Anyone want a tickle-fight?


err?

anyone?

u can icq me


...

haha.

i guess not.


On a more serious note I'm opening up another blog as a column for me to write things that wouldn't bore you guys. if there's anyone out there reading, actually.

and playing the piano sucks. the keys are all OUTTA TUNE! grr. (okay because of all that equal temparement rubbish, but i won't bore u guys) it spoils my ears.


I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A SOCIAL ANIMAL, RAWWWRRR=)

seriously, empathy is the best thing you can give to anyone. just to understand them makes life a whole lot easier....

People, what do you think about clubbing? i think the people who are often opposed to clubbing are the ones that hardly ever club, DUH. but it's not just that. when they don't go clubbing they assume that all girls and guys do is to touch here touch there. okay that might be true in some cases, but that's not the status quo, and need not be. girls and guys can decide what their limits are, and whether or not they want to lose control of their morals through drinking. people who can control their alcohol often find clubbing just a friendly activity of dancing and having fun, rather than just puking all over the place. it's not as if it's the house of sin where you just wanna get laid. in fact going with your friends, its a rather harmless activiitty. you dance in a circle, for instance, or just dance one to one with your friends and it gets really funny sometimes. all that moralising about how it's the house of sin and all that vice and all that is rather nonsensical. yes there are risks, but everywhere there are risks. the clutch is to control yourself no matter where you are, mebbe you can pray about it, haha, and go with friends, and go to parties where you know people, for eg. indus3 (after prom), so that at least there wouldn't be problems and fights and all that rubbish. and if you do all that it should be fine, of course. and please for goodness sakes' don't drink so much,....

I'm so happy, I just tuned my guitar perfectly in tune (Which is rather rare) and i realised that my ears are getting better again, without the stupid tuner, and i wrote 2 songs! 'simplify your life' which is just a ripoff from the stanford essay and needs new lyrics and a title, and another faster one about how life is so boring...quite a good pub song, mebbe coz i just got back from wala-wala, yah. 2 guitarists/singers, not bad.

yaks. still got a stanford essay to complete...

yesterday was supremely fun. i slept till 2 o'clock, and jeremy asked me to darren's at four, and basically throughout I wasn't thinking at all. i think it's fun not to think. it's much nicer, and there's less pressure on you to be something, you can just be yourself and soak up the cool and stuff. music flows more nicely into your head when you aren't thinking so much and aren't frustrated about life. it's like, you just stare into the space and wonder how nice the stars are, and the moon, and the simple pleasures of life. and all the fun. playing pool was cool, i was just potting the balls with consumate ease, 2 great banks that went across the tables that was truly rather fortunate (with God's eyes, perhaps, haha) and one cut from one end of the table along the cushion to the corner pocket which was cool.....i don't know, i thinnk my stance has improved, it used to be rather awkward but now at least my feet are closer together, like a snooker player would stand.

quiet time was good too, thank God. aiya.

PROM was a blast. had a really good time thank God i din get drunk and okay everything went really fine...everyone just looked their best, their hair sparkling, their suits neat and tidy, the girls looked so different but all of them had good taste in their dressing, none of those over-florid styles and cluttered layouts, just simple elegance and tasteful evening wear. i arrived at 6, went to hsin yao and alex's suites, which really looked elegant esp alex's (there's even a pillow menu) and later on playing 'all that jazz' as they entered, (although we had to have a makeshift bass player), taking photos with countless people and just having this nice buzz of atmosphere inthe air, and later on with all the performances and our playmakers performance + prom queen and stuff was really pretty entertaining.

but the fun was yet to start. induz3. now that's where its at. it started slow, just got some bourbons and v sprites, then it really heated up a bit wif thehotties nad later on when more pple came it was gabriel's turn to heat up and it was really good with 'she hates me' and all that haha kren was cheering him on (tsk tsk), so scandalous rite. haha. okay never mind. u dun get it. mr third eye blind ah. the fun was only starting. the music got better and better with all the r n b of 'pass me e money' that stupid song and the DMX 'party up' and 'move bitch' and all that which was really good, all of us were in a circle and we were just jiving to the groove and the beat and the lights......you have to be high, if not you'd be an idiot trying to jive/groove. it's really stupid to be grooving rite, when u are like, oh man. at the end, was really....'yeah!!!! WOW!!! ' and shouting my head off to vida and candice and all of them and aiya just fun lah. long island tea is great....but why do they only serve housepours! irritating.

went back to hotel and talked a bit and slept. oh wells. woke up to mcdonalds'. had singalong session. had nice lunch which was free with the most awesome peking duck(acutally its just canapes and stuff) before jocking off to camp. now thats a life, i tell u.

all those stupid songs are still stuck in my head. ugh! im going to download them!!

I haven't blogged for a long time, but it's still been fun. thursday saw me go shopping to buy some g2000 shirt...friday was really busy, with band rehearsals at darren's, bball at tanglin cc, and jazz band practice at andrew's house. we need to get an amp for my guitar, becoz i can't use a keyboard amp, it sounds rather bad. bball was bad, as usual. our 'all that jazz' needs work, esp the front part, becoz it's still a bit messy actually, but it's really ambitious that we're actually going to do the fast parts.

today was great, though SAT 2 was lousy, especially world history. i felt like i was guessing alot of the answers, since alot of them were very hazy. sigh. mebbe i should've done literature. hopefully still got january to do?? (u can submit it until the 2/15 i heard). but after that lanning was fun, since it was nice being with your mates agian, talking like you did in secondary school. "let all new faith be tolerant of that fetishism, lest it bruise its own roots". playing warcraft and all the rubbish.

i was quite put of by my parents, becoz we had put in a one buck coin into the trolley machine and when we wanted to return it there wasn't any trolleys left, and so a man had to give his one buck coin from his own wallet to my mum, on her insistence, and i was embarassed, because i didn't know if he would get his money back, and i'd rather leave with a clear conscience then cheat the man of one buck. after all, he might earn only 3-4 bucks an hour. that's 15 minutes wasted.
i could have used marginal utility theory, that one buck to us brings less utility then one buck to him, but well....it's subjective rite.

tonight we were at wala-wala, and it was really cool. the band was really cool, and i remembered them from the day when they were playing back at hard rock cafe's thursday show, and when the lady singer, who's really fantastic and has a great voice, and more importantly, vocal control, sang their original song, it was, confirmed, them, coz i had heard the song last time...they went through lots of songs, 'to be with you', and a stunning rendition of 'sweet child of mine', plus 'dreams', 'more than words', 'standing still', and a chorus-rousing 'bitch', 'losing my religion', etc. it was cool when they hauled up one of the audience members to the front to do some singing, it was 'fire', and he was just cranking up the tempo. not bad, pretty sporting. darren said he could sing better, i wouldn't disagree, haha. the male singer was really good too, with a bonjovi impersonation of 'summer of 69'. had a strawberry daiquiri which was really nice in addition to a bit of mr quek's hoogeraden beer, which is actually much better than tiger.
their band was really tight: the lead guitarist's improvisations were out of this world, just all over the place, and the ES-335 that he used had an organic ring to it that was lovely, it meant he could do all the guitar harmonies and stuff that an ordinary electric couldn't do, and the rhythm section was tight, while their lead singer, the female, strutted her stuff. it makes me inspired to go practise some more, and write more....

i think i'm beginning to get back my social-me, the part of me that connects with people and talks to their inner souls and all that. it was dead and buried because the As just stifled all that away from you, but now perhaps it has just started emerging, as I take off the covers one by one of you and you, and peel off the layers slice by slice, and then we can start having a conversation. it's great, just laughing with your mates, talking, having fun.

it's a wonder i saw you today, and you and you. funny how all the old memories creep back, just as silas marner went back to lantern yard to recollect old memories.

Today was a fun day, basically. it started off with some jazz jamming on 'all that jazz' on the piano and working the chords before doing our 'playmakers' song, 'holiday', and it was cool coz all the councillors were there and they are like one big family, and we were just rocking to hong ming's 'qing tian' (by jay chou).haha . right...

adjourned for soccer....im so thankful to God that the asthma didn't really come back, had to take a few puffs though. played not bad, i think....dribbling was spot on, i could just get past pple with effortless ease (oh well at the end it wasnt good coz i was so tired anyway)... the great move was on the right, seeing a gap and squeezing it through 2, then cutting inside gabriel (sorry man) and releasing it to daryl who passed it to guan zheng but he missed, oh well...did another crossfield run from the right to the left but ended up firing way over the bar, oh wells.....my shooting sucks, i could have scored more, i guess. daryl scored a really nice one. went back home to mug for sats, how sad is that.

the thing about dribbling is, its not so much the skill that allows you to get past players, but the timing. harry has fabulous skill, he can turn around in a jiffy and is just so quick on the turn, as in, controlling the ball and turning at the same time, while i need to take some time. but thats' the thing, in some cases, when its really tight, taking your time actually helps. it's about knowing when to dribble, when to do the bursting. it's about seeing a gap, and quickly moving into the gap before someone else comes across, to have a visual perspective of the field and see where the gaps are. its not just about, oh, i've got the ball, let's sprint 200 m and well, what, score a try. if one does that, one is surely going to be tackled. when you get the ball, for example, if you quickly burst, the defender, anticipating it, will surely get you. so its about how to trick the defender. getting the ball, you have to do your trick when the defender least expects it, when he's abit slow in recovering, when he assumes that you arent' going to dribble, you're going to pass, because you didn't make the initial move to run with it, but you look around, and just when you lure him into a false sense of complacency, boom and off you go. there's a rhythm to it, you just watch good players (like well, eh, pires, rivaldo) and see.

like, one of the skills is, how do you squeeze past two? well, the answer is, the only way u can is to go between them. you try to isolate them, make sure there is a large enough gap between the first and the second just for you and the ball to go through, and then you just shuffle through the first, isolating him, before going through the second. the first person would think the second person would stop it, and the second person would think likewise. pires did it against another team, he waited, waited until there was just enough gap, that angle to do the run, and he did it, ghosting past one and the other. it's all about space.

the bad thing was, i didn't eat a single thing (not a thing) till 7 at night. wow.

you know, last time back in primary school days i was probably more happy, confident of myself, bubbly and all that, and it's sad to see people lose all of that childlike joy for this pensive, moody, the world-is-a-mess persona. last time, i just talked all the time, making jokes and laughing and all that, being friends, being with people, and now it seems as though all of that is gone. it's probably due to the trauma of having bad experiences, people laughing at you, people sniping bad comments about you, and you feel betrayed, you feel afraid of showing yourself, 'maybe i'm just afraid to show myself how weak i really am', and all that, because you fear people laughing at you again. it happens everywhere. such things can really wreck your development. esp in gep, and being laughed at by others, and all that, such a stigmatising experience. it castigates you. so you build shells, and you aren't so eager to do it anymore.

perhaps it's just singapore. in US there's probably alot more sniping, but pple develop confidence abt themselves because it's their nature to encourage confidence, to encourage openness, glasnost if u like. here, if you talk so much, they tell you, oh just shuddup. if you do some funky hip hop moves, instead of going, yah thats so cool, and join in the fun, they're like, what the hell, what's this idiot doing, does he think he's p diddy or something? its absoutely ridiculous, they aren't willing to accept diversity and all that and accept that there are people different from them and they don't have to impose their views on them, or, more frankly speaking, ME. it's probably due to the whole system we live in that values so much conformity, and it just stifles me because i don't belong to that matrix. (haha) the result are people that look like each other, speak like each other, talk like each other. ridiculous.

and the last factor of the change is probably the fact that being bubbly and happy is very tiring after a while. and after a while , being the fickle old me, i get tired and sick of being happy, so i want to be sad for a while, so that when i'm next happy it'll be more enjoyable, being happy. it's my theory of cycles, how pple have mood swings in order to maximise their sadness, or their happiness, since being bland and boring is the worst thing of all. and its just plain tiring, i must be getting old.

Went to MUN'S house today, had fun, played 'PLAYSTATION', whatever you call that, childish as u like...winning 11 and teaming up with mun to beat the rest!! damn cool. scary movie was not bad also. damn funny..dinner was good, mahjong was , well, i just learnt it...so overall a great day.
there was a scandalous section but who cares.

but this blog is not my toilet paper (as the chinese proverb goes, whatever it is)

you know, when people tell you, oh, you're mr personality, oh you're nice, you know what, its just a euphemism. what they mean is that, you look like a dog, you're just lucky your character's okay, so you can get on in life without a bruised eye. it's ridiculous how people comment so much on looks, or emphasise it so much. we're just animals, basically. if that's the point. i don't care, i like the way i look, and if i had plastic surgery, well, it won't be me, wouldn't it? i don't care if i look like crap and be a negative externality to the world, well, the pple who think like that are the ugly ones, inside. God made me like that, i'm compelled to like it. and dont' say that looks are permanent, one can always have plastic surgery, can't he? he can always have facials, or groom his hair, to look like some hunk. but how do you change character? ppl say, looks are permanent, character changes. but you can never change who you really are.

so how? haha. nvm.

I FINISHED MY A LEVELS! I FINISHED MY A LEVELS!!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!
finally its over.

can't stop man.

i mean its been like 2 freakin years, and now its all up to God, and i really dun care (at lest for now) what i get, i just wanna enjoy myself.

i was out jamming, which was really fun...the noise was so loud, my guitar was in form (at least), churning out riffs and improvising, though the tuning and my hearing was off, but who cares, gangwei's guitar was so sharp! but who cares, the song was damn good, damn tight, fun to play some more.....
went to watch 'master and commander', not bad, russell crowe was at his usual best again i guess. jonah. haha. at my usual wittiness-levels, or should i say, corniness levels, freed from the shackles of the 'As'.
walked around, and we were like, i dunno, jinxed or something, all the shops just closed at the time we got there, until we reached starbucks, which thankfully was open! talked alot of crap there lah.

in fact, it was quite a nice day, the only thing i didn't do was play pool, or lan. but never mind, the ac guys will have lots of that anytime.

I JUST WANT TO EAT YOU ALIVE! EAT YOU ALIVE! (to the tune of limp biskit)....

please take s paper.

sigh

Had a really weird dream again! was dreaming abt X and Y (no names) and i was with Y and they said we were going to X's house and so i went in a car but i was so scared of seeing X (i dont know why oh wells) and so i just sat in the living room while Y and X were upstairs talking to each other and finally we went away before seeing X in the balcony again, hoping that X didn't see me.

stupid rite. haha. i don't think you can decipher it (what it means).

wrote a punkish song today, have to start writing again. ha hah.

Yay, my pool's working, finally. stroked damn nice today.

Guess what, just Econs S left! wow! (to study at least, there's still pract crit)! fINALLY! i went out on friday eating lovely beef kway teow and watching 'warriors' before playing pool and potting ball after ball....with my class, that was cool, coz everyone was just yapping and talking and having fun. and on saturday we went to hsin yao's house to watch rugby. you know what, there's something so alluring about everyone sitting on the sofa watching TV, making jokes and talking and boy was it a fabulous match. a last minute penalty to equalise and send the game into extra time. plus 2 tries. 2 more penalties in extra time, to level the scores. and finally, a jonny wilkinson kick with his RIGHT foot that sailed nicely in. sigh. though i hate england i have to admit they deserved it. playing winning eleven was so fun too, and his mum makes really nice chicken. i can't wait for bball tomroow.

so the rugby world cup is over, and it has been a great tournament. here i have to give out some awards, ahha the ceadsearc awards. haha. fro RWC 2003....

BEST PLAYER:
Jonny Wilkinson. you have to give it to this man, for his sheer determination and coolness under pressure, especially that drop goal. now i hope he doesnt' turn into a rob andrew, a one-dimensional fly half (but his taclking is good, actually)...just a bit of carlos's skills and he'll be the best player on the planet, undisputably. and please dont' be a beckham, please.
OTHER CREDIBLE MENTIONS:
Stephen Larkham: I just love this guy. He's got everything, a solid boot (the kick to Tuquri's try, and the kick to the far touchline that secured the penalty), fabulous running skills, esp against new zealand, and an ability to split the defence.
Carlos Spencer. Enough said....behind the legs. sigh.
Fred Michalak. Although he had a nitemare against england, he still shows enough promise at 21 to suggest he can have many many more good world cups. outstanding in the boot, in e tackle and in e sidestep.
Imanol Hariqundony (whatever the spelling is). Fabulous at the lineouts, and is such a brilliant backrow forward...always creating, and charging, especially with besten and magne, and since he's only 23 it spells promise.
Neil Back...sigh. england.

BEST TRIES:
Rupeni Caucau's many numerous tries has to be mentioned here, since they were just fabulous individual efforts, not to mention Jason Robinson's rampage through Wales's defence. Also, the Welsh effort starting with Shane Williams against England and ending with Steve Jones over the line must take the spotlight for sheer teamwork and skill.



BTW michael buble's 'kissing a fool' is really nice. it's just, so sappy. hee hee.

Ahh. sigh the joys of life. history was finally quite manageable, thank God, mebbe coz I studied for it. okay i better study for lit.

wrote a lovey-dovey sappy song called 'love is in e air', and some other rubbish. sigh. musical mind coming back, yeah. tired. now. haha. going to play tennis.

I really have to thank God for all of that....just to worship Him whole-heartedly, and to let Him be involved in my everyday life. from the time i eat breakfast, to the time i have lunch, and after that, for everything and anything. it's wonderful coz He loves you. ah. sigh. it['s so important that God's just a part and parcel of you, you know, not just some distant God. sigh. i want to know You more, deep within my soul I want to know You, Oh i want to know You, to feel Your heart and know Your mind....

HEY go see this crush calculator! and see how compatible you are with your prospects! it's really quite accurate, if i must say.

The exams have flashed past me, so many things have happened, here am I, waiting for it to be over, for new things, for good things to happen, to find myself among all the rubble.

So one week has passed, and I'm just in limbo, trying to get myself out of the mess that is studying for an exam. it's like, after the momentum's gone, it's so hard to get back there. Hopefully with God's help it won't be so bad. i hope not.

monday, and math was surprisingly easy, though i couldn't do complex numbers. econs was manageable though i really won't know how badly/well i'd do. tuesday, and gp was just rubbish. history was quite bad. source-based was quite difficult, with the hypothesis itself being confusing, and my essays weren't really first rate, i believe. i'm not sure if i provided enough detail for the lenin essay, and for imperialism i probably didn't link economic rivalry with great power rivalry enough.
wednesday, and math was again easy, which is quite surprising. thursday, and econs mcq and data response/case study was manageable again, but i wonder how they're going to mark it. literature was quite a success, i think i managed to acutally express myself well this time, hopefully i can repeat it this friday, again.

so it leaves history paper 3 and literature paper 5, and i'm so not looking forward to it. i just wish, things would go fine....ah well.

melancholy is a beautiful emotion sometimes. just to sit there and ponder and cry and hope and smile....

'nobody loves me....not like you do' portishead.

because the sunset was so beautiful today, the crimson red framed by a mound of clouds sculpted around, as though the sunset was peering out through a gap to greet us. the swirls of red and blue, and in a minute, it had disappeared, how transient the joys of life are.

i have been lost in endless trains of thoughts and books and math and econs and lit and most of all history how can i appreciate life?
'how could you give me life, and take away from me all the unappreciable things that raise it from a state of conscious death?"

I just have to thank my Lord for getting me out of this funk. I really have to thank God....I'm just so grateful. All the time I've been relying on my own strength, being really really stressed in the mugging, worrying about, you know, what if I screw up, and stuff. and then a thought just struck me, it's really not about my own strength, but about God's strength. I turned to God, and suddenly the pressure's been lifted: i realise there's more to life than just exams. I realised that God can do immeasurably more than you ask for.

I wrote a song about it, I was just so thankful and so happy. it was like a burden lifting over my shoulders, the cloud disappearing from the horizon. Now, I don't have to worry. I just have to trust. He never failed me, He never will. Somehow He has a plan, and I know that, and all I have to do is trust.

Now I can smile again, and have the confidence to live my life the happy way, the GOd way. The happy way. Everything becomes nice. My life is complete. I just wnat to jump for joy and shout!
He will carry you through...

The song goes something like this

FOREVER TRUSTING
Music and lyrics by Shawn Poon

When I feel so alone
Trying to make it on my own
How could I forget Your mercy?
How could I forget Your love?

(another verse)

So I turn to You
Draw me near to You
Let me find some refuge in Your love

1st chorus:
Forever trusting
In Your power
Forever trusting
In Your love
Forever trusting
In Your grace
My rock and my redeemer
I surrender

2nd chorus:
Forever trusting in You
Forever trusting in You
Forever trusting in You
My rock and my redeemer, I surrender

Bridge:
And when we reach the end of our journey
And run the race to the end
It's only You that made all things happen
Without You I can do nothing

It is good to be intellectual. I feel it every time we are in Raffles Junior College, talking to people about work, discussing, arguing. i'm fairly certain that only iN RJC can u really do that with ease, without people thinking that you're just an act-smartie pants. okay the downside is that you get competitive, but if you want to stretch your brains and actually make use of them, RJC is perfect.

come to think of it, i acutally enjoy RJC. i acutally enjoy not having to make all those moral decisions that often plague me in ACS, those dilemmas about, well, should i join in the bullying, should i join in the bitching...and all that. here there's not much of it, coz most people are pretty nice. and even if there is nothing much comes out of it, you dont' get the beating-up of people that you get elsewhere. it seems that most of the RJC people, even though some might be boring, have a good heart inside, and aren't screwed up in their lives some way or the other. in ACS you get people who have bruised egos, bloated egos, whatnot, and it's just so difficult to be normal and nice to each other coz you are always thinking, what would people think of you? what would you say? ehhh and all that jazz. but here you can be who you are. everyone respects everyone else, and that's just the way it should be.

and besides, you can stretch your brains.

i am all for the idea that religion should be kept seperate from the state/school. in ACS religion does help in fostering a common spirit, a bond, good friends, and all that, but it leaves people with no freedom to choose for themselves whether they want to believe or not, which i feel is an essential freedom of choice everyone must make, in order so that those who truly believe are true followers, rather than being compelled to follow. so you don't get people who are so disillusioned by the constant preaching that they turn their backs on Christianity totally. you have to entice them, and the way to entice them is not to bore them or to preach to them (in that kind of preaching-style way), but to live for them. and unfortunately many of us just can't live up to those lofty standards we aim for.


and anywae i'm relaly pissed at all the medics in CMPB. they're just so irritating. i hate NS. i tink i'll hate it. i just hate the regimentation and the hierarchy and all that. you go in there, you wonder, what do you call him? SIR? Doctor? what?? and you go there, and you just follow the instructions, and the medical officers there all look down on you as though you're some kinda nut coz you're from RJC and you can't breathe out, and you can't even tie your pants (it just couldnt' come into a loop) and i was just shell-shocked i couldn't talk, or be anything but stoned. just follow instructions. dumbing down. NS makes you all like robots, like muscular robots.

I am writing this slowy lovey-dovey jazz tune now, which could have been much better if my sister had not started playing Canon in D while i was just about to write the chorus, losing my entire train of thought in the mess of that stupid overhyped commercialised song. irritating. but i still got the little tune done anyway.

did much of math today. the nanyang paper is so easy man. i just wish a levels were that easy. haha, i doubt it. i doubt it. jumping on my guitar again. and after all that i mellowed to the strains of piano and chords. haha.

Good day!
I didn't go to school today. so bleagh. haha. was sleeping. and later went to the hospital for my medical.
I had been sleeping. sheesh.
Watched Fiji play Japan. simply sublime. it was a pity Waisele Serevi got injured but their running game is just phenomenal. No wonder I like Sevens rugby so much. to watch, anyway. I can't play rugby for nuts.
I FINISHED HARD TIMES SO HAPPY.

Was jumping up and down playing my tele and singing stupid songs and bouncing up and down to 'Over Seasons' and later on to 'By the way' coz my parents weren't home so I turned the guitar up to full volume and blasted my house away. It was really really fun. Wrote many songs. the verse/prechorus to 'Entertain yourself'. Finalised the key of 'Mambo at a disco'. Just had so much fun with the guitar. screaming my head off and crooning and singing. just having fun.

its a wonder i still got hard times finished. oh well. it was about time.

It is important to realise that there are important things, and other things that dont' really matter. playing the guitar and all that is just for fun. perhaps you would count studying as being important. but really the most important of all is loving God and loving people, and being one of the Heart, not of the Head, as Dickens would put it. i read Hard Times and really missed the warmth that we used to have. ahh. to cry again. just to cry again. i miss that.

Today has been a really cool day. It started with a stupid literature lecture, before adjouning to play bball. i was like one outta ten. haha. talk abt lousiness. at least it wasn't nil.

We went to ghim moh for lunch. quite a superb one too, if i may add. studied hard times today, with mel and adriel.

sigh i can;'t study more than a few minutes without getting distracted. i walked to e canteen, walked all the way to the music room to sightread Sarah's piece, played some music, getting drowned in by the passion of playing the piano (note the alliteration). getting drowned in to the music. letting myself be swamped by it. not merely listening, but feeling throughly for it.
and later on we went into LT4, before chorale people chased us out. haha. but never mind. at least it was just chorale. it was such a nice place to study!!!
went back to LT4 to play the piano. haha. got some new songs. i've got this new song called 'Mambo at a Disco', which is rather nice acid-funk jazz kinda stuff, with a bossa beat. was showing wen en today. wen en played marry had a little lamb, the wen en version. that one you have to ask him.

am doing USC applications now. it's a mess. the deadline was a week ago.

HEY RUNDOWN IS SUCH A FARNEE SHOW!
haha
it just kicks ass. that sean elliot guy is really kickass awesome!
oh starbucks cheated me of my money

and i should really be studying, shouldn't i? never mind, i think i was more productive today, than i was yesterday, when i didn't go out. at least i'm starting hard times.

I can do nothing without You, but with YOu I can do everything. You are the vine I am the branches.


on a side note...
so pretty. ahhh!!=)
yummm!

okay nvm!=) hies.

Friday was nice. Cell was interesting, about God providing for all your needs. Such an apt comment.

Saturday and I was bumming around listening to the strains of Van Morrison's 'Into the mystic', inexplicably charmed. England beat South Africa, and Arsenal beat Chelsea. Yeah!!! Eb is such a nice key. I was just sleeping, which I am, like, so deprived of. So, there. Happy now.+)


Sunday, and church was so so good. Sigh, message was so good. About Jesus being the vine and we being branches that bear fruit.

Everyday I'll ask myself, How am I growing in You today, O Lord? I surrender my everything, my all, to you each day. Guide me every step of the way.

I want to be a vine that bears fruit, not one that is to be thrown away. So may You lead me each day, O Lord. For I can do nothing without You, but with You I can do everything.

Today's message was really good, I have to say.

And later on Uncle Alan showed us his ministry work in the Heartlanders, and I was really touched. It's nice to see God working through us, and I just want to be part of His work.
Somewhere, somehow. Show me...

I had SUCH a nice dream. WHY did i have to wake up?

decided to wink at X. there was a pause, and then, a soft, blushing smile and a small giggle, or a laugh, turning away.

i felt good for the rest of the day.

why did i have to wake up?


and besides I'm not waving to you. yes, not you. oh well.


Prayer meeting was great. irish music. something about it. pity i'm not in ireland, though. sigh. would love to be a seamus heaney in music. trying to find your own identity and something.

Just came back from Orchard, following the football match.
WE WON 3-1! BEAT THE RI GEPS! (the ac geps beat the ri geps. no more specifically the ac geps with liang and sim)
actually it was a really scrappy match. the ball kept getting stuck in the mud, which was to our advantage coz it meant hte fast players couldn't run and run with the ball.=)

tim scored the first with a nice thumping bullet header off a jon huang cross. actually he hit the corner, and it deflected off someone, to me, i just stuck out my foot and pushed it bck to huang, he crossed (he told me he was trying to shoot) and then tim just was totally unmarked to head it in from about 10 yards out, i think.
the second goal was from sim's corner. to the nearpost tim backflicked it, and it hit goose and into the net.
i scored the third. off a throw in, just got into the box past a few tackles (Actually they weren't very good tackles lah) and chipped it over dave.
harry scored their consolation. sidefooted it to junyi's left.

went to have lunch, before adjourning for pool with kevin. Lost to him real badly, but nice talking to him. it's been a really long time. just talking about life, you know, everything and anything. went to buy some cds, he got Ok computer from radiohead and another which i can't remember what its name was. radiohead should pay me haha for sales commissions. went to coffee bean to eatttttt. caesar salad was lovely, and of course the coffee. haha i was teaching him econs, don't know why also. kinda outta pt. haha.

actually, yesterday i couldn't sleep, too excited. haha. and i really thought it was going to rain, and it did, and in the morning i woke up, thinking, oh crap we can't play, if we play it'll be so wet. but then we did play, in e mud with boots and all, and it was actually quite fun. thank God i didn't get my asthma rubbish again, and i actually could run a bit, up and down. haha.

okay been a good day so far.

Hello everyone! In school now, on this damn library computer of RJC's. it's a pain studying, I've been doing the CJC paper for almost 3 hours and I haven't even got past the 2/3 mark yet! Talk about the 'A' levels!

Sida says I'm rambling
Okay i probably am
But who cares

Shall I write you a poem?
How bout some haikus...haha

Prom night is coming
Shawn is going there topless
I did not say that

-okay never mindd.....

how bout a proper poem...
alliteration!!! wow.

THE SCHOOL

Boys from Raffles Institution
Bury their heads in books
Boring!

Boys from ACS
Bum around buayaing babes
Bastards!

Boys from Chinese High
Breakdance to break their necks (from Sida: hear hear Dalg)
Bad taste. tsk tsk.

okay this sums it up nicely. haha.

bye bye!

SATS yesterday, shoudl be alright. math not too good, lit not too good, writing shaky. jhaha. what else is left? i don't know.

bought some shoes.

Church was really fantastic. Sitting/standing in the pews, lifting hands, praising God, just letting go and letting your spirit sing and praise Him, not thinking (it's a bad habit), just proclaiming how great He is, that was just wonderful. haven't had that experience in such a long long time. it just seemed as though i was His good child again, no more stupidness and craziness, but just love. He wants the best for me, I give my best to Him. And you know, if you give your best to Him, He will grant you the desires of your heart, the richness and fullness of joy, as He gave me. So i'm just really thankful and grateful for all that, and I really hope it lasts. Everything was great just now. I was talking to people really well, just communicating with them, not being afraid, but just having fun, and being happy. None of that self-conscious reflecting, oh what would he think about me, and so on, but being natural about myself. That's really wonderful, and it's so rare Sigh why did it take so long to come back?

Ah, it was really something special. Full, whole-hearted, joyful, worship, all to Him. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you."

It's complimentary, not substitutional.

You know, maybe my sickness was a blessing in disguise after all. Before that sickness I was rather grumpy, far away from Him, and all that, but after that sickness really set in i began to trust more and more in Him and His grace and i think that's really great, just to be able to call on Him more often and allow Him to be in my life more. I mean, now I'm much more happy with God.

I mean if we'd only let God take control, we would slowly lose our propensity to sin, and only by putting away everything else and coming to God will we find that we can conquer sin more decisively. There is no use trying to put sin away if you don't come to God; come to God and everything else will be fine.

I really believe. Please use me. thank you.

haha its nice to be happy.

Today was a jolly good day, I'd say. It seems like my 'talking' me has returned, finally, amidst lots of prayer and asking God for being 'able to relate to people', and guess what, He really answers prayers, as usual. Finally I could talk instead of feeling self-conscious about myself, finally I could be myself again, rather than being afraid. Who cares? I have just as much right to decide about my life and my destiny than others, huh.

Friendster's really fun. It's my new hobby after Kings of Chaos died. And it's really nice to surf around, looking at friends, viewing testimonials, seeing friend's friends and their links and all that. Really cool. The guy who invented it was a genius. I got really nice testimonials from lorraine, from gillian, dalg. it's really nice. ahhh.

I have no idea whether (she) notices me or not, or (she) reciprocrates, or it just happens that she looks in my direction, or maybe she's not looking at me, she's just glancing, you have to look somewhere, right?
Really nice cloudy dreams keep appearing, leaving me in delirium. Why do dreams have to end? It's a very very good question. I should ponder over it.
Why do dreams have to end?

It's been that talking mood, with the musical hearing mood, along with a tinge of those drowsy dreamy feelings that I absolutely adore. it's a slow comforting embrace that leads you to sweet slumber. It allows you to lie on your pillow, gazing into wonderful thoughts, forgetting the stress of life, and simply smile to yourself on how wonderful life is. I was


Yesterday was fun because we went off to Holland V NYDC to talk and bitch and have a really chummy class lunch that we hadn't had for such a long time. laughed the whole place down, which was really rather rare. i shan't discuss what we discussed, but it was fun nevertheless.

Everyone was taking photos, since farewell assembly had just finished, and posed for pictures, since it was the last day of school, of our 'organised school'; From now on, we're on our own. Can't actually recall all those that took fotos with me, though I wished there were more girls. damn. haha. but well I guess it was mainly the humans people and the AC people, and a couple of assorted friends. And in the end of the assembly we sang 'If we hold on together'. Rather sappy, I'd imagine, but we are sentimental anyway, and very soon I will miss RJC, even though I vowed never to sing the school song, being an AC boy. Perhaps we would only remember the happy memories, of which there were numerous, and really it was a rather enjoyable stretch of time after all. I wouldn't mind living my whole life in this bliss of teenagehood. And if only the happy memories linger on, it'll still be wonderful.


I have SATII tomorrow. hope and pray i can get above 750 for all.

Had a really nice dream yesterday, but I just forgot all about it. sigh. am so pissed off, really so pissed off. ahhh. and I went to school today trying to find that girl again. haha.
Sigh. she probably doesn't care.


I have realised that life isn't that bed of roses people sometimes say it is. Oh, Raffles, you're a family, you're a tree. what hypocrisy. it is war. survival of the fittest. animals struggling for that same piece of meat, presumably the As. Getting a 'U' for S paper, and getting scolded for turning around to talk, without even opening my mouth, yet. Isn't it enough to make me cry in the lecture theater at the unfairness of it all? For the record, I've never gotten a 'U' before. and just when it's the time to do well, and start getting a Merit like i always do, i get this. the irony of it. the slap-in-the-face the disgrace. well i realised you gotta work for it, but this is really pushing the limits of madness.
I swear (well not really actually) that I would have been much worse off and still powerfully bitter, if I couldn't actually start jotting down some angsty tunes to rid myself of the madness. thank God i still have that gift man. pump up the power chords, scream in my mind, get the drum beats rolling, man...i'm gonna be a rock star. i mean when you see me making it big dont' cry for yourself, coz i don't cry for myself when everyone gets Ds and i'm languishing in, oblivion.
Bitterness is such a powerful emotion: it might make me start doing really damn well for SATS II to prove people wrong again. I always need to do that, it seems like that fire needs to be directed at something in order to burn. So if that's the case, so be it. maybe it will spur me on to get a Distinction in the final exam, though I realised that's a distant possibility. still. i mean what the hell.

there might still be something good coming out of this ah. i have to wear my heart on my sleeve again. fight for my right to live. enough of that langour. because no one really cares. it's a zero-sum-game. a many-horse race. fight.
so why don't we.

i'm no pacifist but here lies madness.

no wonder raffles is such a mess. it's all coz of this. if you were in AC you'd be laughing and laughing it off. but here, you have to be the best or die. it's the teachers' mad philosophy of life i guess. 'survival of the fittest'.

because i believe in my feelings. and when they say it's pleasurable to compete then i would, but most of the time it's not. it's nicer to cooperate. but then again no one wants to cooperate with you.

Went back to school today, simply exhausted.
Really have to thank God for my results. I managed a AABC, a for econs and hist, b for lit and c for math. because i really only expected A for econs and B for the rest. oh well so it was an okay performance i guess. but i have to practise math. but considering the effort i put it, it's really through Gods' grace i can do what I did...many pple did much better but it's okay, they deserve it more than I do.

am applying for US unis now...sigh. a chore. a pain.

read below.

It's wonderful actually. my week got better. I just realised something so important: It's stupid to build the wall between what is yours, and what is God's, because rightfully everything that is yours should be His. Give it up. Share it. Because He loves you, He'll take what you have and make it even better, coz He knows what's best anyway. so it's really stupid to keep anything but just live by faith every step of the way and you'll be happier. I'm probably a little happier now.

Pray for everything. I prayed that somehow I could go to mel's bdae party and like somehow right at the end my dad started changing his mind and allowed me to go, and it was really fun. i mean it wasn't as fun as dalg's dinner party long time ago, but it's not about the fun rite, it's about the fact that your good friend's having a birthday and u're there just to witness the occassion and to be there for your good friend. that in itself counts, doesn't it.
okay this is sooooo sappy ehhh. So i just ended up chatting with the humans pple and the ac pple and just being stupid . okay. nvm.

Wrote a song called 'entertain yourself'. because you know, as the earlier post goes, that's so essential.

Thanking God is so essential. everything in your life, thank God for it. i mean, whatever prelim results i'm going to get tomroow, i don't care, but I'll just thank God anyway, for everything. it's just living by faith, the simple steps. there is no need for the idea of 'You', or what is 'yours', but everything is 'His'.

Okay.
just came back from CG today. it's been really tiring. the cough still won't end, and i can't talk properly, which means blogging becomes a very attractive alternative. church was okay. playing pool was just rubbish. playing simcitty even worse. just trying to do anything to you know, enjoy myself. i realised i just dont' want to go back to school, into the mugging phase again. i mean. it's going to be a never-end, you know, like 2 months of 'never-end' till it all really ends and i stumble into NS. and tomroow the prelim results will be out. would i cry? would i die?
nvm i don't care......i'll still thank God for everything. i mean. it's up to Him. there was this interesting passage today that struck me, that God is the 'God who sees' (talking about Hagar) and that everything is in His plan and everything is for good of the people who love Him and like nothing happens without Him allowing it to happen. That's so comforting.

So I shall trust. simply trust.

Amuse yourself. Entertan yourself. There is nothing else left to do.

I have found new meaning for these words. when I can't get out of the house, paralysed by this raging cough that infuses my lungs with only an irritable itch, I have to find some thing to do, right. it's only natural. and besides, the great thing about this philosophy is that you can create/do anything you like. Absolutely anything. You don't need people to control you, you don't need to respond to anybody. You just have to entertain yourself.

So what have i done so far? Well, i've been watching lots of TV. MTV, rugby union and the like. secondly, i've been writing music. but it's just sporadic tunes that are unlikely to be developed into full songs anyway, just for fun lah. i've been playing my electric (tele) , just playing my 'dance of the chieftains' and all its fast intricate fingerings on the guitar, and later on playing this groovey Em F#m Bm chord prog with added twang, and later on other songs, and trging to imitate carlos santana and later playing 'sweet child of mine' the stupid solo with my neck pickup, that i realised, is very smooooooootthhhhhhhhhhhh. yeaps.

I thank God that I'm getting better and I thanK God for everything He's given to me. my talents my friends, oh, aand, ME! haha. of course of course.=)
i so want to go to mel's bdae party. i missed dalg's party today and that's y i'm resorting to entertaining myself, but i hope tomorow it'll be better. please God. sigh. such a waste. and monday we're getting back results so back to reality agian.
sigh.
reality bites.

Please pray for me. beign sick is horrible. it means i can't do so many things. i'm just at home. lying down. coughing sporadically. God have mercy, please. sigh. i hate being sick
come on. wake me up/
Wrote a poem.

SICK

Superstitious serpents love wringing
themselves round walls
i lie in my bed, a huff, alas, a puff.
To raise high heavens from their peaceful slumber,
To purge the phoenix from its fiery temple.
no, just to breathe another breath
ah, it'll be fine.

pasty-white ceilings and clobbering fans
and friends calling to ask me if everything were fine.
The bed entices the body for a-nesting
till you wake up
and feel the pain.
ah, dreams still bring shelter from rain.

looking out
upon the sunny skies
and people laughing and talking on buses, and in streets,
they call it, 'feeling fine'.
wish i could go. if i could just leave here.

but fate never stays
but tempts the palate.

back here, still lingers echoes of calm and peace
amidst the waves of ache.
the trees have shed their old fruit, waiting for new flowers;
and i am visibly anticipating change
to better understandings. to better meanings.

when the torture of your mind has waned
with the appearance of new, immediate realities
all you hope for is to get out of this
and once you breath the air and find
the chirpings of the crows delectable
then, ah, how wonderful it is to be alive.

-shawn poon 3/10/03

Had a topsy-turvy time. am officially sick now. had chest pains yesterday esp when trying to play footie. couldn't run after half an hour, so just walked around, see a doctor, pump some oxygen, get some muscular chest cream or something, coz it wasn't wheezing, but then i don't know what it might be. it's painful to stand up or exercise, sigh been sleeping alot. i must get down-graded for army man, if not i'll just die.

sun yanzi's voice is so nice. arghh.

=)

went to darren's house yesterday to help him write a song. seems like i could only write a little tune for the chorus in 6/8 before running out of ideas. haha.

well i'm so tired. sigh. means all my activities are probably going to waste. haizz.

Wah i love my guitar!! it's got a nice maple neck with a wood grain streak running through it..this time i'd bettta keep it in good condition man, haha. restrung it with 10s but i think i'm going back to 9s coz 10s are a little dififcult to play and it soudns a little rangly, coz mebbe it was set up for 9s anywae. and besides its easier to play.....yeah. its like pressing string.=D but 10s have nice sound. haha. okay nvm. i think 9s hae nice sounds too. its nice to play it through an amp man u can get all the nice little sounds! wow wee...=) like the screammmmmm. too bad u really can't get hte power chords lah but hwo cares. its a tele btw.

and i am returning to worship God again! yeah! it's all about Him, and only Him.

and ran today to prepare for the napfa rubbish

and tried to write some songs but it didn't work

and played 'autumn' on midicode and it sounds good again. yay. played nobody cares on the tele...wah so cool. coz its like nicer chords than the gibson which was really crap.

I'm in a good mood today! albeit i'm a little dizzy from drinking some milo and combined with playing tennis and being so tired that's a sure combi for zombiefiedness.

ah well. decided on my guitar. it's probably going to be a Fender Japan Tele, which is pretty good, from luther. it has a relaly nice distorted sound that still sings, and plays chords nicely, besides the neck is really comfortable to play barred chords on, being maple wood i believe. visited swee lee today, the jagmaster was interesting but a little metallic; the stagemaster was just rubbish; the cort was okay it had a 24th fret but then the un-acoustic sound is rubbish; the fender mexican tele was not bad but then again the japan one is cheaper. then we went to davis but they sell rubbish there. only the PRS deserved mentioning but it's way above me budget. must thank gangwei for helping me test the guitars tho.

okay. and so i stopped by church , and guess what? they had to rope me in to play for SES coz matt wasn't around. and like the worship singer just started singing one song! so i had to figure out the key which took really long, they were almost in e chorus already, and later on i tried moving back to G when they were playing in A, but he didn't even realise i was trying to switch! arghhh! and like one more song was in another key and it was so messy and all that coz i was so last minute, but i believe God understands. haha.

wrote a christian song just now. something about 'You called me'. sigh. i think the thing about christian songs is that, you've gotta put some imagery into it. sure any praise song is good, but there really are too many songs out there that just say 'Praise You' or 'Worship You' and alll that and it gets really dull sometimes. i mean there are great worship songs that attempt to say somethign in a differnet way, u know what i mean. ah well. i wrote a punk song today also coz i was so punked out with yesterday and stuff....on shopping. haha. wells. the riff and all that. haha.

and i had such a weird dream last nite. it was abt some gal. and like i was playnig pool trying to impress her! and like it was all so werid coz she was wif her family and i was wif my family and we like started talking and it was so weird. i think we were outside a church or somehting. haha. werid alright.

people have this stupid idea that, oh, if you train hard enough, you'll succeed. they can just go kiss their own behinds or something (in very diplomatic language if u like). and if u dun succeed its because u didn't try. i mean. oh. so if u are stupid its coz u din read any books when u were young. if u are tone deaf, too bad, try and try, and u'll succeed. oh listen to mozart. very good use. so the poor have to just find some work to do and they'll lead a comfortable life, and if we only try, well done! well done! silly american idea. well done. go tell that to the man living on the streets and see if you'll live to stroll past the next corner. i seriously seriously doubt it, but you could try. well done. i'll congratulate you if u make it through.

note the irony. of course some pple would ask me what irony is. well go and try your darndest to find out. don't succumb to another irony.

the world is ironic. listening to 'the rainbow connection' by sarah mclachlan while being seriously bitter is really ironic but it works. it's the fuel for the fire.

so i'm going in early for napfa, i'm not very happy about it. but all you get is Mr Macey comments. well done. i mean. i never do that to people never never never. seriously. just gets on my nerves. bitterness. no wonder there are so many people unhappy in the world. because people hardly realise how their words have an effect on other's feelings.

well i'm raring for a fight. i've already got my retorts ready. in fact some of them are quite priceless.

"im just afraid to confront my demons when they arise"--> and the person thought i was being serious abt it! u see how some pple can't see irony? sigh tsk tsk
"its all the truth. i'm a lazybum and the world knows it."--> of course of course.
"i told u, that test, they aborted it, coz they couldn't get a reading, okay?so if i drop dead and faint unconscious u can tell the world abt it"--> i wanted to say, you could write a will, but then again i would be tempting destiny to say it. God wouldn't be very happy. so even though i'm pisssed i'm not going to sin okay.
sigh its like saying. if u're tone deaf its ur fault. haha. tell that to ****or. if ur'e stupid its ur own fault, whu asked u never to read a book when you're young!?"
--> reminds me of my parents speaking to my lil brother. haha. well.

"Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see


Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me


Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see


Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me"

sigh. hate going to NS early coz of stupid nafta. will have to find a way of getting just 2.22 on the jump and on the run!!!! argh!

the good thing is, they'll allow me to bring a guitar in! which means i can still sing and write and play haha. fat hope. as if they'll be time. haha.

=)

played LAN today, and pool. whacked jinwei's ass. okay not really lah but aiya. lan was really stupid. played bball today which was ridiculous. could only play point/defence, din even make a shot! sigh. and like everyone was making 20, 30 pts. sigh. embarassing. listening to nirvana now, and they're really good!

went to see all the guitars at Luther. hmms. the squier tele is not bad. nice chordal tone, the leads have sting, but then its a bit twangy, u lose a little bit of the low-end bite. and there's a bit of fret buzzing problem and we'll have to try to rectify that.
i took a look at the hamer...not sure whether that'll work also.

i really want a jagmaster man, the one kurt cobain used to play. haha

i woke up feeling good. thats nice thats nice.

Yay! Happy days are here again! Yay yay yay! save for the econs S paper. haha. well its nice for a little break just before the 'A's, i'd imagine. can't go back to studying yet. will catch up with some jamming, some movie outings, some pool, some talking to pple and catching up with them, yeahhhhh. sigh. i'm s glad the A level prelims are over! Overall i think i really have to thank the Lord for helping me through this mess i mean like for the energy and strength to do this well, like philippians said, 'I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength' and it's nice to be able to count on that.

Well, so we went to orchard today, and officially 'Life in Mexico' is the worse movie ever! I mean how more stupid can a show get? you have lines like, ' i don't think, i drink', haw haw haw. very funny indeed. *puke*. it was a joke, thats why it was funny. played pool later on, getting my touch back hopefully. ahhhh.

actually today's econs paper was quite okay, thank God. no careless mistakes so far for mcq, hopefully can get A. aiya. see how.....and that girl is so pretty! ahhh hahaha okay nvm=) she's quite pretty what. okay nvm. eye candy is good for you=) aiya i feel like talking to her or smiling but aiyaaaaaaaa shyyy.....=) ssshhh keep quiet. its oh so quiet, ssshh ssssh its oh so still, ssssh ssssh and so peaceful until!! you fall in love, ...=) (not me lah, its just the lyrics)

shall i continue writing my stupid symphonic tone poem? i just might. it's quite a nice thing and it was stuck in my head for a little while. oh and yeah there was tori amos' silent all these years playing also. not bad, not bad.

its nice to be able to sleep again soundly without worrying about the prelims.yeah. sleeping sound is good.

I'm currently on the road to 4Bs, hoepfully, but it could be an A 2 Bs and 1 C-E, or osmething, depending on math, and trying for an econs A. sigh. it's really tiring, and i just want to get over this phase. tomorow we'll be going out after the exams, freedom! wow. i'm so happy, even in expectation. haha.

shawn

life is hard.

Just came back from lunch at Al Dente with Wen en, and just after math! which was okay...stats...just trying to scrap a B, hopefully stats aint' careless.

the weird thing was my dream. it was just some weird dream about being late for math, but another even weirder dream, but it's not in the good sense of me to divulge it. haha. maybe privately. hmm. it's probably 'cuz i could hardly sleep yesterday, being fed on coffee and coffee through the history papers.. ahhh.

and today there were so many cute gals running around in RJC! man. haha. wells..=) sigh. *wistful look*. should i go talk to her? haha . but you might think, who's her? well there are lots of hers, mind you. =)

ahhh. i'm back to being lively again. just carefree. There's no thoughtful deliberation about what to do and all that, but rather I'm just feeding on my instincts. Oh, and trying to lose weight. ahhh thats y pasta today's more than enough, even though i'm hungry as a hunter, still. haha.

Just had some herbs soup, can't sleep. shall study a bit.
hmms. we just had Cell, and the nice thing was coming together again with real friends that share the same perspective, which is God-centered, and having a common fellowship. it's been 2 months since we had CG, and how we needed it. sigh. but it ended up as a talk session about the youth and all that. which was. aiya. never mind. hopefully we get some bible study done=)

i realised something. that its really ironic, life is. which is why i shouldn't keep trying consciously to write a song. it's really stupid. life doesn't work the way one thinks it does, that if you focus your mind you can do it. it really works the other way round sometimes, particularly with art, that when you don't realise it you could do much better. just like dickens says ,'if only he had learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might teach more!' so true. in fact i've been taking stock, and i realised that all the good little songs that i have [or better ones amidst the junk] were all written not-seriously. runaway now was in the toilet. 'autumn' was supposed to be a protest song initially and it started when i just woke up and was playing some chords and singing the melody to myself. 'nobody cares' was written on the bus stop and at raffles town club playing snooker. 'happy' was just another strum-the-guitar and sing song. no real sit-down and, oh, look,i must write a song. that's so stupid. i just have to live my life and eventually i'll have things to sing about.

Now I know how James Harthouse felt , nothing to do in the world, just lazing around. I was even bored enough to open up the mozart sonata songbook to play some mozart! his first sonata in C is typically sparky, then i played the last one...more subdued... in the end i just played the sonata in C, the familar 'do mi so ti-do-ti-do' u noe that one. yah..aiya just trying to sight read the entire thing....I ended up writing a piano-styled ballad that was supposed to mimic X-Japan, coz i jsut hate the thing, and man it's so easy to write. u just have this descending chord prog and you keep repeating it all the way...gangwei says it sounds like 'endless rain', well it's meant to sound like them, sorry. haha. it's not a serious song=) later on i ended up playing guitar, watching TV, just to relieve myself of all the boredom. sigh. playing more piano later on....the mozart andante in A major sonata...some other songs just to cheer me-self up....'be magnified' by Don Moen, great song. it's so uplifting, and just what I want to say. ahhh. mozart sounds great on the piano. his orchestration is just so balanced, and melodies so precise and clear and balanced and melodic and flowing...it's like the piano is singing, and the tonalities are so balanced and clear. but of course it'll be great if the piano was just-tempered. sigh. my usual grouse again. i bet i couldn't tell the difference anyway.

sigh i have to get a new guitar. my old guitar's creaking, and u just can't play for 5 minutes without it being out of tune again! silly.

so one week of exams have passed,but frankly all the pressure comes before the exams. i'm strangely subdued during the exam week, it's almost like holidays. yet i still have to study 2 topics of paper 3. irritating. so far, econs was alright, lit was alright, i'm so glad it's over, history was alright, math was bad. but then again math is always bad. hope it isn't too bad.

sigh. it's bad. studying for lit now. still can't finish. had a really weird dream about me trying to get e attention of a girl who was in the same clasroom [she happened to be, she's not in my class] by kicking the teacher and talking to the teacher alot. sigh. but she just didn't care. haha. so apt=). played some snooker just now, which was really sucky at the start but slowly got more into the groove, i guess.

anyway, just some great new songs for all to listen to.

1. travis: re-offender
2. dido: white flag
3. dreamz fm: should i stay
4. starsailor: silence is easy

Today not so good. sigh. lit wasn't that impressive, and i kept having songs stuck in my head, from beyonce's 'crazy in love' to some of my own songs. sigh. stupid. tsk. like so sleepy.

am raging now. sigh. seems like i can't get the tele after all. what a stupid thing to rage about. but you see wannabe pop stars with their stupid guitars that cost a million bucks and like they can't even play and you tell me is that fair. ahhhh... ragingg now, but i'll be fine later on. sigh. i can't stay raging and angry for too long, which is bad, coz i can't write a raging song. haha. but well. you know. yeah. i mean i used to be really full of rage last time but i guess i'm mellowed down alot as Christianity has probably brought me to realise the important things of life and the Spirit calms me down more often i guess. but then again. sigh. mebbe i'm getting soft. haha. it all depends on your point of view. i happen to think it's an improvement, you just lose a few things about life.

lit was a killer. i just hope i did fine.

In high spirits today, maybe coz i got to go home early to sleep. haha. econs paper was pretty okay, hopefully can do reasonably well. math was quite die, i think i'm consigned to a B or worse. history was so-so, but you'd never know, especially for essay papers.
in high spirits. listening to weezer's 'keep fishin'', simple pop punk music that's so catchy and so fun haha so cool. been writing quite alot of songs today. two songs...one that's really simple and 'major', just a basic 1-4-5-4-5 chord prog with just a fun melody. i can imagine the guitars jangling and twangling in the background....you know, telecasters just giving that good old rhythms....wanna get a tele man, that kinda sound, is really cool. so rhythmical and so full and yet so catchy and jangly. who says it's just for country music? [i could change the pickups and it'll make allt he difference].....yheah wana get a tele. got any to sell? haha the other song is more pop/boybandish lah. haha. sigh i'm unabashedly pop, it's embarassing sometimes.

Haven't been blogging for very long, and my week's been filled with mugging. tuesday, mugged in school. wednesday went to play bball and later went to WS's house and then played pool later on at mambo before studying some econs. thursday was filled with more econs and later on some squash. today was completing econs and doing some math. so its not very fun life huh.

okay.
nvm
waht i wanted to say was, dreamz fm's song 'should i stay' is really brilliant, esp. for a local song. it has melody. it's sing-able, and the vocals and instrumentation all suit it pretty well. this is finally good local music. sigh. been a-waiting for a long time

I have to be able to feel, language, the subtle connotations of every choice word, savouring it like a choice morsel, and understanding why the author portrays the story in such a way. Literature is concerned with the 'How', the techniques and the ways that an author would craft a work of art, in order to fit its themes. such is the key to unravelling the mystery of literature. sigh. math and lit just don't mix, one is so accurate and so precise and so methodical, while the other is littered with so many shades of meaning.

'he is no fool'...so true, so true. Lord help me to give my all to You, and where You lead i will follow, if You send me. the musical was great, a few weak parts but certainly some really touching moments. yeah. even while being an armchair critic, i was distinctly moved. haha. that was nice. good stuff. for what use would it be for me to gain the whole world but lose my soul?

i have to realise a few things. that God is ultimately in control of my life and nothing can stop that. there is nothing in my life that God hasn't planned for--and the daily bread message that cited the Bible just said it, that tribulation brings perserverence, and perseverence brings character. yeah how true. so i just have to realise that each little trial is part of the growing up process. there isn't any accident in my life that God has missed out, oh, suddenly, oops, that's it, you know, i made a mistake, no-no-no, nothing like that, but He's faithful, so faithful to me. thank you...like all things work out for good for those who love Him, you know, for those who are called according to His purposes.

You did not wait for me to cry out to You...and I'm forever grateful to You

Being so miserable without God just makes me wonder about all the people who don't have God in their lives. i mean, you know you might think it's fluff but really it makes a whole lot of difference, being away from Him or being with Him. no more do you feel lonely, or angry, or frustrated, but you are joyful and happy, you can talk to people, you feel at ease and at peace. it's not like your'e selling-out, but actually He complements your life, after all He made your life! i mean, think about your life. what do you want out of every passing moment? do you know where you're going? or do you really feel so lonely at times? i do, when i am so far away from Him, and that's why i feel so lonely, and how about those who don't even know where He is? go find Him, i really pray, go find Him. Please, no one has to be miserable. hell isn't just about physical suffering, it's about seperation with your Maker, with your Redeemer, with God, that is the real painful thing, really.

'i dont' want to wait, for our lives to be over'--> i'm serious. sometimes it's just too late. why wait.


i'm trying to sell my guitar, on a lighter note. it's a yellow-black les paul junior special, selling for about sgd 600-700, negotiable. condition still good. 1 year old. 2 humbuckers, 2 p-100s. gibson. wanna get a tele or soemthing. haha.

=)

okay will see you sometime. bye.

shawn.
have fun!

I NEED to get out of the house, man, i'm just dying inside, and being unproductive studying. it's much better to go to coffee bean and finish loads of notes or something sigh.
had a really weird dream yesterday, something exotically oriental. i dreamt i was in hongkong, or was it shanghai [i've never been there actually] and we were at a hotel, and there were lovely attractions like a game thing when you like control robots to fight, or something, and also a nice buffet spread that had sushi and exotic abalone and other stuff, and other little attractions in the hotel. and later on it turned out to be this military cop chase....so weird. like how my friend and i managed to snuff out some rebel by disguising myself as his friend while the other person climbed through the roof access! it's so weird!

oh crap i even dreamt i was racing a formula one car around a circuit and boy did i do so badly! i think it was a really small circuit, almost like a stadium. sigh the things you dream of.

and there was even a stupid chinese song 'sheng shui yue' or soemthing playing in the background. irritants. woke up feeling really strange. chinese. eeks

hacving a bad stomach ache now.

I'm on the upward mend, hopefully. been in a funk the whole day man. it's like, thinking so much, and worrying sick, and trying to mend myself, and being restless, taking ventolin shots, thinking abt getting cancer in the lungs and all that. my word it was hellish, simply hellish. in the end i decided to sleep. woke up, went to the doctor's, sigh, but he assured us that it was just some muscular thing and more psychological anxiety than anything, and din charge us! so nice of him.

yeah so now you know what i'm so relaxed. It's so nice to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, the glorious melodic strains of music, or just a simple spaghetti, or you know talking with friends. just not thinking so much. no wonder oscar wilde said 'happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know', because it is, empirically! when you keep thinking so much, you just get yourself all worked up, and you don't realise that life is a natural, organic construct and not an artificial logical one, as the book 'hard times' should have told me long ago. in fact when you don;'t think thats when you're the happiest. its no wonder no one is happy during exam times, coz they're always thinking and trying to remember. i guess the only solution is to think, but only about school work, and use your heart for the rest of the time. because life ultimately is about the heart and the feelings, not the thoughts! listening to music is the same thing. if we'd just listen organically without thinking about the notes, and like what patterns it forms, or whether the 'so' is sharp or flat, then how much happier we'd be! because that just seems to be so evident.

its being able to appreciate silence without trying to fill the silence with some stupid thought running through your head.

it's what the GP passage said. when one expects too much out of life, one is never satisfied. sigh, so true, so true.

okay just dont think. don't think. haha.

okay God i'm coming back please be with me. you know that's y thinking is not good, coz thinking is using man's own wisdom to supplant the natural order: but not thinking then allows for a divine intervention that is much better. okay this sounds really primitive to those so-called academics out there but who cares. i'm a human being, not a debating machine or something.

yups. thinking is not good. conclusion no 1 for the day.

i'm a wreck. in total limbo. i need rescuing. nothing to say.

i'm trying to find some way that i can talk to you but there's nothing i can do. sigh. you don't care about me anyhow so there's nothing left to say.


though i played tennis pretty well yesterday, just returning well and getting a nice srtoke on the ball. gp paper was quite good and i was super on-form and hyper and later on i was so hyper after lit it was nice but that's that and it degenerated into this mess after that. a spinning insect, without a sense of life.

just played the piano with wen en just now...with our lovely young audience of one...duana. haha. wells. wen en played his version of 'mary had a little lamb', which was rather interesting coz it was minor, and in 3/4, and well he just loves to pervert songs! i still remember his 'be thou my dildo' really long ago, but this one was about the sheep who was black and who killed the farmer. sigh. but it was quite a nice melody i thought. oh wells. some tori amos too. wah that was nice, just spending ur time in the music room away from society playing the piano, how quaint. how bourgeois. too bad my piano never sounded that good. ahhh. we played 'nobody cares', lyrics by him and music by me...man that one has great potential i must add....haha i like it. okay nvm. stop gushing....there was a piano piece he wrote that was quite nice also, and i tried my little tunes that i'm gonna add for my classical symphonic tone poem, the 2nd theme and the 3rd theme....man actually it sounds good on the piano also! wen en wants a piano concerto or something..haha that piano probably sounds nicer than the pianist. gees. its like, all of a sudden you're chopin1 haha fat hope=)

okay nvm. i woke up feeling really really weird, coz i just had this weird dream of being at a buffet, and like there were clams going for $1, and mr reeves and purvis were there, and like they had a bottle of wine, and like they didn't want to share any of it with me! how horrible! so i was like throwing my tantrum all over, and like being such a bitch to my parents, to my dad and my mum, and we were like quarreling, in church, and being just a foul-mouthed belligrent boy. my word. when i woke up it was so weird coz i dreamt i quarreled rite, so you could imagine how weird it was to be talking to my mum in the morning. sigh.

the key is in the 'La', the subdominant. it must be tuned perfectly. if not nothing really works haha.

though yesterday it was really nice. it's so nice when the Holy Spirit is with you [the Spirit is always with you, it's just that i guess sometimes you know its more? haha dunno]. it's like, i don't know how to describe it. it's like, joy overflowing from your heart, you laugh, and you just can't help smiling, and everything is beautiful and you're just so happy and you wanna dance and clap and sing 'from the mountains, to the valleys, hear our praises, rise to You' and so on. sigh. it is so nice. the quiet time passage was something from romans about Jesus interceding for us, and how the Spirit intercedes for us. rather nice i guess. and how God already knows whats in our hearts and answers our prayers. how nice eh. yeahh.

today could beat sunday! great day! just super hyper throughout, just didn't really care....didn't have my mind play tricks on me, no self-consciousness, just a nice little feeling, being vivacious and all! yeah...i mean thats' the life, the simple life. no need for all that reflection, that insecurity, and all that. but let's just live. sitting back reflecting's the most stupid thing in the world, coz you spend all your time reflecting you've forgotten to live. yeah yeah. hello. nice nice.

just had this bad headache, but this song 'loving you' by minnie rippleton just made it so nice and fuzzy so i'm really okay now. thats really good. haha. music as a metaphor for spiritual well-being or something, so shakespeare says.

yesterday's class gathering was not bad actually...really cool to see so many teachers together. haha. eating and laughing. not bad...sigh.=)

If any day could beat yesterday, today might be it! Woke up real late, but like got to church in time. had real good time with churchmates playing pool and stuff, and it was nice coz well for the first time I wasn't really self-conscious, you know, like, okay bugger I'm in and you know I don't care! Yeah that was probably a more comfortable attitude to take.

my mind just worked pretty well, hehs. seems like getting the melody back. i can sorta hear chords now, again, when i'm writing tunes, and its nice coz then its more natural, i guess. was really productive today: wrote a party tune, a boyband song thats not bad, a J-rock styled piece, and i don't know what else...hehs. watching VMA was really cool coz it was so bouncy and stuff and gee madonna and hollywood....wow. and later on man u got trashed (oh only 1-0) well how better can it get? its like, gimme back the rhythm, man!

gee i love being well. thank God i'm well. hopefully. eeks.

Sigh. another day has passed by, and the funny thing was that I dreamt abt chatting with so-and-so on icq. was really weird, rite.
=) but i mean sometimes you wonder, why weren't you in acjc? i mean, the kind of fun they're having, the simple, unadulerated fun and like sitting with my church friends making loads of noise in swensen's, singing 'answer the phone' and just being stupid. haha. sigh. guess i was neverr a true intellectual you know, in rjc. you're surrounded with people who can articulate themselves and all and you wonder how you can gain their respect, but you're never going to be like them, so i guess i have to be true to myself.

It's about crying, and letting life touch your inner soul again, and feel every emotion fill your heart and your entire body, that had been missing for so long. It's about real people and real emotions, no naff namby-pamby clap-your-hands we're all happy populist-pop. It's the genuineness of human relations and emotions, no fake trying-to-be-cool and blend-in mindset, but really just to see people as people, as individuals. It's a comforting melancholy--knowing that life has its joys and sorrows and yet there's a hope that things will be better.

It's the change in mindset that I need so badly, to move away from ideas and intellectual arguments, just to see people as people, being affectionate again, just to hug and smile. To write music that is uplifting, that is genuine, that has real emotion, that has so much emotional energy to touch your inner being, instead of letting the music just wash over you. to really love others, love God, and to be a person of genuineness. I mean when you listen to songs like 'The Scientist' and the organicity of it all, it just makes you want to cry, and be nice to people again.

sigh. i feel like Henchard sometimes. just so isolated. but thank God there are still little friends around.

Today's SES message was really good. It was the story of Lazarus, Martha and Mary in Bethany with Jesus, and how Mary poured the expensive perfume that was worth a year's wages on Jesus' feet. John chapter 12 i think. And pastor talked about the many ways we can show love to God, be it serving (Martha), talking(Lazarus), or doing what Mary did. It was about extravagant love, as Mary showed, doing what Jesus called a 'beautiful thing', out of the gratitude of their hearts for the resurrection of Lazarus. That extravagant display of love, is from abundance, of splendour and beauty, is what one would call 'first class', not out of mere adequacy, but going out-of-the-way, giving Him the first fruits. After all in heaven, aren't the streets paved with gold? Extravagance? But God deserves the best!

SIgh. I feel changed. okay let's hope this keeps up!

some energy is good, thank you very much. yeah. i don't know i think i've lost the spark that kept me going. sigh. God please help. ugh. you know you try to remember moments that you thought were the most important and most happy, and you can't find it, and it's alll gone...and you're left floudering....and you have no confidence in yourself. i don't know. why do i feel this way?
sigh. but it's coming back, really. today's SES concert was uplifting, and it was fun to play also, coz it was nice performing and you know ministering with music. well. it was nice yeahh. coz the whole day had been rather sucky.

i hate having this cough that just won't go away, it's so irritating, coz you can't laugh, nor talk, coz every time you want to laugh
or talk you end up coughing. and for one who talks a great deal it's so difficult not to talk, you noe?

had this really cool dream....i'd just wish it were reality. you know it was like having fun back with my old classmates, sitting at a table talking, and later on it was so cool coz i was in the canteen when someone, let's just call the person X, came to me and started chatting with me and the person knew my name and i knew the person's! and it was like, going to help this guy on some math problem [think it was how to find the normal distribution from the table...haha sigh such dreams, eh] and later on talking with me one on one and something...crap....but then when i went to sch..sigh...its like...the person never knew whu i was! sigh. just ignored. kena. jialat....damn pissed. argh. spoilt my day lah...thats the way to spoil my day, go ahead man..=)

sigh. going back to ac...everyone being a bitch but mervlyn was really nice....yeah. she's cool. i dunno. so MG. haha.

i'm back to writing pop music. good pop music. i'd craft 10 songs. watch this space.

it's nice to be dreamy, floating around, but after all you have to get back to reality, back to earth. you've gotta snap out of it after a while and let life affect you.

i love cough mixture, it makes you all nice and dizzy and dreamy. you just lie there, floating around in a world of your own, where angels dance and flowers buzz, and it's so funny when fangorn in lor dof the rings is talking. oh well. it is a dream-like existence, and very soon i shall reenter that nice little world on my pillow. dreaming of life, in the future, yes, when all things are nice and friendly and the bad things have passed away. and it is so beautiful and so, simple. yeah, the simple things of life. heh. i sound rather unintelligent but then it's easier and nicer being unintelligent and simple. ah. it is a nice world, yes.

today was a great day, despite the fact that i was hoarse for most of the time. it started off quite well with some badminton-playing, before it got quite nice in class [sigh, why didn't this happen long time ago =P] with the chatting and stuff, and for the fact that i did quite okay in the math test, and break was not bad coz me eye-candy was therE! haha okay no wells. uhrm it was nice to be with everyone again i think, i was quite lonely over the hols. my my i have to really study for italy, i'm like tons behind, and like getting intellectually high and stimulated from mugging italy, and frantically doing my econs mcqs and revising the econs in my head from long long back, wow wow wow. then i went up to the library to do more italy, and do the math paper from acjc, but did a bit only coz really no time and gotta mug history haha well i'm going mad haha.
but craps i haven't finished! i'm really slow..sigh sigh

oh later on we had this practise session for SES and it was not bad, the piano-touch was there...the improvisaiton and the touch....and the real fun bit was later on, when we jammed this really cool thing...it was just jamming and improvising on one chord, yeah like Dm all the way for like 32-bars or more...then moving up to Em and stuff...so it was more a modal kind of improvisation, something you'd hear from 'kind of blue' and it was really nice! =) haha. yeah. that was good too

Thank you God! urhm i said i wanted my day to be happy yeah it is haha. thank you.