Mm im feeling very melancholic now, man. i can feel the emotions swelling and the feelings and all that. just feeling really lonely, needing people. sigh. when im in this mood i realise i treat people a whole lot better. and i really mean it. because somehow i value them more.
i was definitely more melancholic last time, say j1. i actually liked it. sigh. wonder why i've become all so sanguine and so insensitive nowadays. i was definitely more considerate and caring and sensitive last time. but now after the As (long time ago actually) i kept trying to get as much fun as i possibly could, which meant that i couldn't really care for others, couldn't really be sensitive, kept trying to be sanguine, to achieve, etc. losing all my humanity in the process. i just hope i can leave that train that is headed for ruin to find more humanity in my life, and for a new purpose.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
It's been an eventful week. it's been very tiring. but still i'm glad and thankful that things are still relatively solvent. it's not been easy, like i said, but i can't hope for anything else.
it started off with a relatively nice sunday being damn stoned with churchmates at zouk and going out to TCC with darren n co and later played pool. it was not bad, really. had a really tiring tuesday doing the SPH test which got my brains all messed up. wednesday had to work until 10. thursday i had to work until 11 for band. took off yesterday to record at chee's house and later met liang sim mel and lijing for dinner. quite enjoyable. the bubbly was good. mm. and i was addicted to the smith's 'there is a light that never goes out'. brilliant song man. it absolutely got me hooked for a real long time.
ken was trying to sell me some network marketing concept thing which i obviously rejected. wont' want to tarnish the image of the company that he's working for, so i shouldn't say anything else.
And for me, my philosophy of life has always been to try to blend in, to have harmony. People always look at me and they immediately assume I have no opinions, no ideas, no nothing, and is just there to make up the numbers. They don't realise that it's so much more complicated than that. For me I'm always looking at the big picture, how are the personalities complimenting each other? Do I have to be the talkative one, or should I allow people to come more into the conversation? I hate hogging the spotlight. I used to, last time perhaps, when I wasn't at all mellow, being damn loud and don't-care-two-hoots-of-what-people-think. But now i've learnt how to take a back seat and look and observe more. i like it more, like this. it gives others breathing space. but how? people think i have no opinions. i have no nothing, no understanding of connotations. just bland, like milk. how wrong they must be. i shall not attempt to disillusion them (and they will never read this blog anyway, so i won't even have the chance to), why waste my time? but for the more enlightened souls out there, this is my defence.
damn i feel incredibly lonely today, on a saturday night with no one to connect with. it's the lows after the party highes.
it started off with a relatively nice sunday being damn stoned with churchmates at zouk and going out to TCC with darren n co and later played pool. it was not bad, really. had a really tiring tuesday doing the SPH test which got my brains all messed up. wednesday had to work until 10. thursday i had to work until 11 for band. took off yesterday to record at chee's house and later met liang sim mel and lijing for dinner. quite enjoyable. the bubbly was good. mm. and i was addicted to the smith's 'there is a light that never goes out'. brilliant song man. it absolutely got me hooked for a real long time.
ken was trying to sell me some network marketing concept thing which i obviously rejected. wont' want to tarnish the image of the company that he's working for, so i shouldn't say anything else.
And for me, my philosophy of life has always been to try to blend in, to have harmony. People always look at me and they immediately assume I have no opinions, no ideas, no nothing, and is just there to make up the numbers. They don't realise that it's so much more complicated than that. For me I'm always looking at the big picture, how are the personalities complimenting each other? Do I have to be the talkative one, or should I allow people to come more into the conversation? I hate hogging the spotlight. I used to, last time perhaps, when I wasn't at all mellow, being damn loud and don't-care-two-hoots-of-what-people-think. But now i've learnt how to take a back seat and look and observe more. i like it more, like this. it gives others breathing space. but how? people think i have no opinions. i have no nothing, no understanding of connotations. just bland, like milk. how wrong they must be. i shall not attempt to disillusion them (and they will never read this blog anyway, so i won't even have the chance to), why waste my time? but for the more enlightened souls out there, this is my defence.
damn i feel incredibly lonely today, on a saturday night with no one to connect with. it's the lows after the party highes.