my friend fen just started a food blog. go check it out.http://www.incidentalhighs.blogspot.com

oh well. check it out. at least she has photos.

i am tired. le tired. i should be blogging about much more important things than my life, and my lack of sleep, or my wonderful dreams. but i just dreamt about evangelising to a muslim. and it seemed to went very well. but i'm spiritually dry now, i wonder what it means.

I just had this really really weird dream. Dreams have a way of reflecting your subconsciousness. Oh well.

I dreamt about this girl called X, and a boy called Y, and myself, called S. X is one of the most pretty girls you'll ever meet. She's got the charm of a film star, the looks of a model, and a smile that captivates. Y has the Korean charm about him and everyone comments on how good he looks. The dream featured a boat ride where people, including me, was jumping into the sea in order to swim to the other part where I could start rowing a boat, that looked like a canoe. okay it was a canoe. then X was also rowing the boat, and I was trying to find where she was. oh. but she ran away.
then there was another moment where Y and X were in a circle and X was asking Y who Y found cute in school, and Y actually murmured that he liked X coz X was the one. haha. and X was super embarassed.
And then Y was standing on stage helping the dean of the law school go on stage (escorting her); and he was drinnking Fanta Grape.
And the last scene saw me and my churchfriends watching Phantom of the Opera.

What a weird dream, can someone elucidate what it all means?
sigh.

[in addition to my previous post] sometimes i'd wish someone would come along to me and ask me 'wanna go for dinner'? sigh. why am i such a loner. argh.

Today is smellymelly yeo's birthday, and i thought I should say something about my funny old friend. the first time we met was the time that we were on the way to hwa chong for some humanities meeting; and then she scolded me, like, i was yaccking away and she started shouting "can you please dont speak so loud?" okay maybe it was less tactful than that. haha. but strange things happen. in the end we got to know each other, and then she realised i wasn't that bad after all; coz we were all in the same clique; and later on we just grew closer and just became really good friends. i suppose. i suppose maybe we have an intuitive understanding. we understand what each has been through, and where we are individually heading towards; and we understand we just want each to be happy. maybe. okay so mel if u're reading this, it's your 22nd birthday today (yes today), be happy okay. life is wonderful, be happy, enjoy each day God's giving you and rejoice! yay. hope the storm settles, yeah; there may be rainbows but it may take longer than you would hope? dunno what i am saying [i'm blogging in company law seminar] but yeah be happy k.
*hug.* [still a favourite miao-miao]

and anyway i just had my one week break; and i just realised how tired i was. tired, because my OCD's just sapping me up dry with that energy; and i'm really tired, Lord. sigh. but those that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength -isaiah; but Jesus my defender has defended me and renewed me and forgiven me when i've strayed, placing His arms around me and assured me and chosen me. shawn, be strong. life is long. that irritatoinal fear is killing me though, the fear that i will do something that i do not want to do - but sometimes i just have to have that simple faith and simple trust in His goodness.
greater love hath no one than this.


law school as well is doing me no good. but maybe it's my own fault. i'm not contributing; not developing. not developing and building people's lifes and shared expeirences with all this bad OCD; just tension. social networks are dying; social groups. butler changed roles. people not wanting to socialise. argh. too bad i'm not that kind of assertive, powerful, bold person that law school people like. they admire that devil-may-care attitude. but i've learnt enough not to be like that, i can't change what has happened to me, right?

all those of you who actually read this dont come up to me and say "are you okay?" i fairly well am; blogging is just a way of expressing all the multitude of thoughts that go around my brain; it's my brain that is messed up all right. maybe coz i'm too smart; so i think too much ffor my own good. i'm always one step ahead of you, in all the wrong things; but one step behind, in all the right things, such as my company law, or my property assignment. sigh. dunno why im taking law in the first place.

because law is always cerebreal and argumentative and logical and in-for-a-fight to-prove-you-wrong; alot of my talents are wasted in law. my intuition, my sense of aesthetic beauty, musical talents notwithstanding, ability to see the big picture and conceptualise. sigh. who knows, i may be ending up selling cakes.

I had just recovered from a terrible bout of gastro-enterisis; stomach flu (is that how you spell it?). But there is something vaguely serene and surreal about being sick. it's about lying there just resting and letting your body recover and start feeling the sensations from the numerous sinews and nerve-endings of your arm, your leg and not feeling the pressure of life that says 'i have to do this' or 'i have to do that'; but everything is still and calm and nice and you can feel yourself again.
if only the fever won't be so bad, bah. that's the worse. vomitting like a dog is bad also. but lying on my bed, not having to think about work, or the pressures of needing to think about work --ah, now that's a welcome change.

i have more to blog about. but it's all over my head now.

no one reads this blog anyway.

It's been a long time since i've updated this blog. so many things have happened since then; i got my results, which weren't that good, but they were credible i suppose. overall i guess i haven't been putting in the effort required to get the As, but i guess i was satisfied with what i got.

it's been a period of bumming and slacking and hanging out with friends doing things like play dota or hanging out at walas, which have been decidedly good fun. i've frequented headquarters at paradiz almost twice a week ever since june started, which shows you how much lanning i've been doing.

i guess a highlight for me was the vcf foc camp held at scripture union campsite. i just felt that God was so powerfully involved in the camp that His presence was with us in everything that we did there, be it praying for good weather for the beach games which were a great success, to the wonderful worship session, to the theme talks, and even through general fellowship, how His Spirit infused the place with peace and loving kindness. and i had wonderful experiences with Jesus Himself in my dormitory, while worshiping Him, during worship, during meetings, and i say it was a great experience just being part of the team to organise the camp, really must thank God for that opportunity, and to thank lester too for asking me. i really miss the people there already, and the meeting room where we used to hang out for our meetings.
some great pals met there during the camp, which was really nice. they're all great people, my brothers and sisters in Christ, joel, guoyi, teck tee, clara, elaine, angel, jenny, serene, jeanette. woohoo! and i've got a fan club now! clara and teck tee set it up, you can see it at http://weheartshawnpoon.blogspot.com


i guess i had a very nice time with Jesus/God just now. i want a good relationship with Him. and i guess i've been struggling in my relationship with Him because i've doubted certain things, but when He whispers to you that "shawn i have chosen you" or something like "i chose you, you did not choose me, but i have chosen you" how can you not want to fall into His arms and embrace the love that you cannot get from this world? how can you not want to be a more faithful servant and follower of Jesus Christ?
but i want that close relationship now! i want it. i've got enough of this world. it can't offer me much.

so stop doubting shawn. and really i realise i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. i was listening to "umbrella" and suddenly all the notes fell in my head again, there was music. i was like, i could tell it was Db major and it really was in Db! wow. my own songs sound nice again and melancholic in it's melancholic splendour. SMIL.

really when i'm writing blogs i'm blogging for posterity. i'm blogging to look back 10 years down the road and see where i''ve been coming from and where i'm headed to. that's why the old entries are still there. you can see them. because they are a part of me that constantly evolves for the better, i hope.

the mumblings are still there, but now at least there is a peace.

Fear is really quite bad.
Fear.
Fear of many things. Fear of the devil, fear of God, fear of yourself, fear of people, fear of pain, fear of everything.
Fear stifles your life because maybe the only thing to fear is fear itself, that the 'thing' isn't so bad, it's the fear of that thing that cripples you.
Fear cripples you.
That's why "perfect love casts out all fear" because God's love is so perfect that we ought not to have our fears, but we all do. OUr faith isn't strong enough, perhaps. The disciples were so scared when they saw the storm, but Jesus calmed the storm. Jesus said "you of little faith..." and If He weren't so merciful he would have rebuked me many times for that lack of faith, that I have.

Grow my faith!
Sometimes we wonder why faith must be grown through trials. It is written "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence." Your faith is small usually but if you really did know how big and how wonderful your GREAT AND GOOD GOD IS, and how he is able to overcome all of your trials and so immesurably more, you should have total faith in Him. Which I haven't learnt yet!
We know it, but we can't do it!

So no more fear. Not to live callously of course, but not to be so stricken with guilt, and learn that you have the blessing and favour of the Lord and that doens't change.

What does it mean to be real?
Someone real.
Not just someone who has a false existence and running around
Or making smiles or making jokes or all that.
But someone real.
I in my mind can hardly think of real people. Or maybe there are some. Some people who are real. Whose veil i can penetrate. the love, the need for company. the humanness.
Because mechanicality is not human. Because it only ofusciates what our souls demand; what it really needs.
Our souls have lives of its own; no one really sees a little bit but it cries out evermore; the soul
and it cries out for the living God; and for real people.
and it cries out but some hear it and some wait
with their loving arms outstretched to embrace our hungry souls.
these souls have a life of their own.
not my mind not my intellectual pursuit of what is right and what is wrong.
no, something deeper.
something i can taste with my tongue and feel with the touch of my skin
(it's different from seeing or hearing)
that something within.

This is what a clinical psychologist using a colour test had to say about me:

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

How interesting.

I wrote another song, thank God, called "i don't care". it's brilliant thank God. and yeah hiopefully it'll be a nice song.

Btw all my songs are uploaded at http://www.esnips.com/web/ceadsearc so go see!

i was really really down, just totally out, really gone, full of guilt, lost, wandering, helpless, but then I prayed to the Lord Jesus Son of God and cried out to Him and He placed His tender arms around me and lifted me and told me He loved me an that I was saved a long time ago and nothing can snatch me from His hand.
my need for the Lord Jesus is so great that sometimes i'm so ashamed of straying but i know somehow He's there.

"Love lifted me".

perseverence. perseverence.

my ONLY foundation = Christ Jesus.
*wish/aim/reality = moving there

lifelong struggle; too many idols; too many conflicting interests.

purge!!!!!

temptations of being unfaithful but can't; warnings;
Jesus's LOVE will carry me
i want to be like paul who says
"i know whom i have believed
and am persauded that he is able
to keep that which i've committed
unto him against that day"

perseverence. perseverence.

my ONLY foundation = Christ Jesus.
*wish/aim/reality = moving there

lifelong struggle; too many idols; too many conflicting interests.

purge!!!!!

temptations of being unfaithful but can't; warnings;
Jesus's LOVE will carry me
i want to be like paul who says
"i know whom i have believed
and am persauded that he is able
to keep that which i've committed
unto him against that day"