maybe i'm slowly slipping OUT of my depression to embrace the truths of my Christian faith and the truths of the Word of God.

as it is written, "I press on to take hold that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me...not that I'm already perfect"

the depression i guess is falling away from my soul, the evil is lleft, and Christ only remains in my soul in fellowship with me. Christ is the precious One to me living in my heart.

life is ironic - maybe it's more fun this way.

what can i say?

that's life - you be happy in your own way,
i'll be happy in mine.

unfortunately, sometimes that's life
we can't always be happy
and sometimes the problem is when
our happiness depends on circumstances

it would be so nice to just be all pure and holy and say
"our happiness comes from jesus Christ alone"
but maybe deep down in me i wish i could say that
but maybe now i can't,
oh goddamn it hurts

writing songs helps me express some of these angsty feelings
that are a product of my right brain
having a very very excitable right brain
makes me musical, yes,
but it also contributes to angsty feelings that i can't control
or feelings that i just want to take over the world
blogging is good because no one reads this blog anyway
but at least there is something for posterity
which i can then look back on and say, oh this is me,
on 3 september 2011, being an idiot
a little anal and a little, inconsiderate, to say the least
but then again these feelings are really bad
and i can't stand it sometimes
sigh

jealousy turning saints into the sea


hmms. i will release an ep soon

i am emo now.
i hate weddings.
don't think it'll be my turn anytime soon.
not in the near future anyway.

while i am happy for the couples who are going through their lives and celebrating it, makes me think, i dunno when god will make it my turn.
it seems a long long way from here.

such is my life.

and the problem is that my ocd makes it impossible for me to have meaningful relationships with other people without the fear of the obsessions striking into me the fear and anxiety. i don't know what's going on with me, i wish i did, but i don't.

I don't want pretty girls anymore.
I want Christlike ones, one with a heart of gold, that has abided in Christ for a long time such that His gentleness and patience comes through.
then i can totally be myself with that person.
(instead of being scared all the time she'll leave me for another handsomer hunk)
amen.

i really had a nice time at lcf yesterday; worshipping God in the spirit and in truth, knowing my spirit is with Jesus and safe with Him, trying to see things through the spiritual lenses rather than the earthly ones.

and then i go back to my old carnal ways.
zzz.
sorry need to rant: if that's the best your school can offer, i give up. hurhur.

how i miss my nice blog.
i think i'm going mad.
mad enough to be stuck in a rut for a long time.

i feel i'm being ignored all the time, really.
all these people.
ask them
"do you want to go for lunch"?
kena ignored.
like i said, or i told my other friends, i am always on the friend's ladder. no one wants to "Take a chance on me".

"if you change your mind,
i'm the first in line
honey im still free
take a chance on me".

i feel like a freaking whore.
partly this has to do with my mental condition of ocd.
but also to do with my impatience.
everyone is getting married.
i am looking for love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people.
but then i don't want some boring guai goodie-two-shoes who will bore me to death.
argh.

confusions.

I have to constantly remind myself on how my relationship with Christ is about Him, not me. it's not about how good I am, or how faithful I am, or how many good works I've done, but it's about how good He is, how faithful He is, how loving He is to me, and that realisation must change the way we think and feel and live. It's very easy especially in society and in our 'Asian' mindset to think that we have to 'earn' our love; in businesses, one has to "earn" our keep, our reputation, etc, "have you proven your worth"? Not so with God. God is the one who loves us first. so everytime we face trials and temptations and we think we need to be 'holy' before God can love us, ascribe to God His goodness. Tell Him, God You are good, always good. Believe it. Tell Jesus that He is so good and so faithful. Because he is. It's not about you, is it? And then, His goodness, like a fetter, draws you to Himself. Wholly. Because you can't always live according to your own devices and your own sense of righteousness. Because it is GOD who works in you according to His good will and purpose, and He will finish what He started in you.

So have faith, my brothers and sisters. It is not about you but about the faithfulness of GOD.

A great site, especially for OCD sufferers like me:

http://net-burst.net/guilty/OCD_treatment.htm

Just thought I'd share with you some articles from www.boundless.org, a great Christian site about , well, sociology and all sorts of other things.


Here are some good links:
Reflecting on the mystery of marriage.

Addicted to 'adultescence'

Defending the cost of delayed marriage

All about Christian dating and marriage, which is useful for generations of Christians who have been sullied by the world and fail to live according to Christ's vision and plan for us, which is far greater.
There are many other articles as well, but these specifically relate to our problem of having an extended period of 'adultescence', which I particularly am guilty for. But of course there are many others, like, how to find a good Christian spouse, etc.
I recommend this as a great read.

Writing music is about hard work - about craft; about determination. Yes, to some extent talent helps, but it's certainly not like the popular notion of selling your soul to the devil for music, or a druggie experience where you get high and music flows into you.
If anything, the devil destroys the music - since he comes to "kill and to destroy", and so of course, anyone who sells their soul to the devil for music will never find good music in the end. But i digress.

It's about hard work, really. There's a pattern of music, and theory - and if you learn hard enough, and try your hand at writing tunes, and keep refining them, each little part of it, you'd start to know what works, and your intuitive sense, as you get better at the music bit, will improve, and you'll be able to think of what should melodically come next to a phrase, you know. So it's relaly hard work. because the brain is like that - the more you write, the better you get, which means you write better and you enjoy more, and so it's a good exponential cycle. The reason why paul mccartney was so good because he really works hard at his craft. All the great songwriters really work. It's hard work. Richard Rodgers would write everyday - to keep up the craft. Same for ...well.. any songwriter out there. Rachael yamagata, you name it. NO one ever becomes a good songwriter by being lazy. Seriously.

Another great webpage that speaks of the same: I'm particularly convinced by the whole idea that it is a 'passage' - from death unto life, that is ONE WAY AND NON-REVERSABLE.
Really leaped up at me.
http://www.webtruth.org/articles/theological-issues-23/can-christians-lose-their-salvation-31.html


On another note work has been fine. I'm happy to be meeting new people and learning more on the job=D

I have been struggling with my salvation; whether or not it is real, whether or not it is really true, whether Christ Jesus in heaven has truly saved me. I have accepted Christ Jesus a million times. it's in the score of the hundreds now. I have thought thoughts that I thought would have made me leave his kingdom or be thrown out, and I have tried my best, so hard, to suppress these thoughts, so that I won't get thrown out.

This few weeks I have been going to JESUS alot in trying to talk to Him about my problem. Everytime He assures me, I write it down in my 'notes' on the Iphone. It's amazing how it reminds you. But then satan throws his stupid darts again and i sink in misery. and Despair. I want to write down, here, what Jesus told me so that I won't forget. And give myself assurance.

January 24:
"Jesus said to me that He will keep me safe, that I'm already saved - and He will keep me safe - have faith to believe this.
I looked up at the clouds and I believed that I was saved - having just said the sinners prayer (i told you, it's umpteen times). And then I heard the LORD JESUS say that "I chose you" (He chose me) and also said to put the helmet of salvation on. AMEN"

That's what I wrote. But then I forget, as always.

January 26:
"Jesus said to me that I'm already saved, and to put the helmet on."

This was yesterday, January 31:
"Jesus just spoke to me - as the Father has chosen him as His son and anointed one sasying "Today I have become your Father, you are my son", so the JESUS has chosen me and appointed me - I'm his; and he commands me to put my helmet on :) GOD loves me - and Christ will keep me by the power of His name - my helmet is on."

And this is like from last week till today (I've just jot it down here):
"The Lord Jesus told me in His love to just let the thoughts go - so I'll let it go and not respond to it.
Today He told me to keep my helmet on. I was disobedient but He said it again in strong love, so I'll do it, my helmet is on."

This was a thought that I had while on the way from work:
"Jesus is sovereign - I do my part - to put my helmet on; He does His part, to keep me safe forever."
And today I read a very useful article which I'll share with you, and I wrote this on the note:
"The helmet is the certainty of salvation, the blessed assurance, not a longing uncertain hope. For it is written "I know whom I have believed and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him upon that day".
For he told me today that "No one shall snatch them (that includes me, SHAWN POON) out of My hand".

And then I wrote again, on Sunday at ARPC service:
"Christ told me to put my helmet on - two times - and since He is the final prophet I must listen to Him, I will listen. Jesus told me that He died for me and for everyone in the church, and I'm HIS. And I just asked the Spirit to help me to obey Christ the final prophet."

And today having used google, I came up with these two wonderful websites that gave me more assurance, giving me verses from the Bible, and removing my befuddled thinking with the truth.
http://www.aboundingjoy.com/sw-security.htm
http://www.aboundingjoy.com/sw-security.htm
http://www.aboundingjoy.com/sw-helmet-fs.htm
Yeah I hope for anyone of you in the struggle, this may help. Thanks. For our enemy is devious and has destroyed me quite badly, and I don't want the same to happen to you. For there is seriously no joy there, so as I went down, don't go down with me. I'll be up again because GOD will bring me up.

I'm a compulsive twitterer, I admit. You'd see chunks of it everyday. If you like to follow me drop me a request.
I'm @ceadsearc so yeah. do let me know.

Most of the time for very personal stuff, or stuff that will make me twitter; but sometimes the stuff I write there is so important for my daily life that I have to blog about it, if only to remind myself about it.

About an hour ago I blogged "The Lord's plans for me will stay firm and his goodness and Faithfulness will keep me to Him, if only I'd remain more! To remain in His love."
And then i fell quite badly, from grace, into the fire. and slowly I turned back to Jesus my Lord, and tried to meditate on the parable of the 'prodigal son', whom, having turned away, turned back and was WELCOMED back in loving arms and loving embraces.

And soon then, a most wonderful thing happened. My soul just felt the Lord Jesus's presence; I just felt that the Lord Jesus actually loves me, cherishes me, chose me, and that I belong to Him - man, I haven't felt this way in a long time. And it was so nourishing and empowering and wonderful and so strong and so secure and so nourishing, that, like Aslan did to the children of Narnia in the show, I felt His love breathe life into my bones and my soul again.
Because love gives me strength; to be loved gives me strength. "I am Your beloved, your creation...". that song. I felt like I'm his pride and joy again, His beloved, again.

He just loved me like a parent loves me; and I feel like His child again. And He said 'put the helmet of salvation on' - yes, Lord. for I felt His love again, so real this time, embracing my being. My soul. In embrace. He embracing me, not the other way round. I'm too bad to embrace anyone. But yeah.

So today is REMAINING in Him. And in His love; for His love endures forever.

My favourite classical piece for the moment is Grieg's Piano Concerto in A minor - it's a simple work but so sublime. Okay I admit that this hadn't always been my favourite classical piece, my past favourites included Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No 2, and Elgar's Cello Concerto; but this one is just as nice, if not nicer. In fact it was Rachmaninoff's favourite concerto which inspired him to write his first Piano Concerto.

The first movement starts off with a famous bang, the timpani rolls, and then the high descending octaves outlining the A minor chord - the big flourish; before the woodwinds set up the first subject theme, a three-note theme with varying rhythms, later repeated a third up (with the C chord for harmony). After that, comes the distinctive 'norwegian' part, the E - F - B, A - A# - E; the distinctive interval is the augmented 4th / diminished 5th leap that finds its way all throughout the first movement. After a bit of development, where the first subject is transferred to the piano, the piano runs into this agile, frantic, downward chordal figure - which climaxes into a huge third-down-chromatic-glissando, before lush strings take over in timeless, graceful pirouttes, interplaying with the piano replying each other....

Which brings us to the second subject theme, a thing of beauty, quite a beautiful arch-shaped melody, introduced by the cellos, while the flutes reply. It then repeats itself a minor 3rd up, in C minor this time; before the piano takes over with the second subject theme - by this time I'm about to melt. Then the second subject theme moves into another lyrical passage, which is repeated higher again, and then grows into another climax - to be followed by the tutti section, the third subject:
C-B-G -B- C-B-G-B-C-B-G-B; full on trumpets.

Next up is the development; the first subject is transferred from instrument to instrument while the piano glissandos over it with varying harmonies, giving it a very light elvish feel.

More to come!

Good morning; this is probably the first blog post of 2011, and guess what I have started working. Thank GOD that it hasn't been too bad, I was expecting much worse. Anyway during my meditations today I thought of something which I'd like to share with you.

You know how Romans has this verse, so oft quoted and so comforting, that says that "Nothing can separate us from the love of GOD that is in Christ Jesus our Lord?" It's so true. I was realising that today, when I was praying to Jesus and showing Him how sinful I am, and all that, and striving hard to 'work for him', to do my best for him, to serve him like a slave, but then Jesus turns around and comforts me and loves me, assures me (that I'm still saved despite my OCD), and lets me feel His love. His warm love embraced me, in His gentle whisper and kind words. So amazing.

Which brings me to the other point; how come sometimes we can't feel His love? Or just seem to fall out of it? It's not that His love for us is not always there, it is; it's just that we have not 'remained in His love'. Why? Because, we have disobeyed His commands, be it little things or big things. As Jesus stated:

John 15:10-12:
"As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and remain in his love. (11)I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. 12 This is my commandment: love one another as I love you. "

How amazing it is; that it shows that firstly, hey, in heaven, there's lots of love (no doubt); GOD loves Jesus; Jesus loves GOD; The Spirit loves GOD; The Spirit loves JESUS; Jesus loves the Holy Spirit; GOD loves the Holy Spirit; it's a triune everlasting bond of love. Okay here so that's the first point;

Secondly, remain in Jesus's love; how do we do so? By keeping His commandments; The love is always there, but when we don't keep His commandments, what happens? note that Jesus still loves us - of course He does [since it is written in Romans that no one can separate us from the love of GOD in Jesus], but see verse 11 - what happens when we "love one another as" Jesus loves us?- what happens is that HIS joy will be in us, and our joy will be complete. Yes. When we love others, we remain in His love, and his joy is made complete in us. it's like, if we fail to remain in His love, notwithstanding the truth that He still loves us, we lose that joy - His joy is no longer in us, and no longer complete in us.

So for the last few nights I have been praying; i have experienced JESUS's love in a real way, both in the office, at home, and everywhere, and He just wants me to love others - yes. I will love. Yes, I must love. because that's what is really what makes me JOYFUL.


I'd like to share something quite irrelevant from this, or maybe it is relevant:
a saturday ago, at my friend's dad's 25th anniversary, he shared:
"women are not meant to be understood; they are meant to be loved."
haha. is that relevant, or just slightly so?

Just got back from Dash berlin - i mean last night, which was quite fun, but I seriously drank too much and today's been bad coz the whole day i've been having super bad OCD and super bad thoughts which just swam endlessly in my mind and it's been so hard to eradicate it. Resolution 1: Never drink so much anymore - the one suffering is you (yes, tomorrow morning).

Having said that, it's been one week since I've started work, and things are a little...uncertain, i guess. i'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I gotta have faith that the LORD is in control of the future - and he's got my back. although sometimes you know it threatens to overwhelm us, but the LORD's ways are perfect I've gotta trust them I hope - not that it's easy to let go and let God, but if I don't do it right, then jialat - I will be in trouble since i can't swim: i'd drown.

I've just prayed for the LORD JESUS to get rid of my pride so that He can use me - in my weakness, His strength is made perfect.

here's to the rest of the week!!
oh btw I update mostly on twitter nowadays, since it's conveniently on my phone: so follow me @ceadsearc
thanks

It's been like, 4 days into work - and I am quite convinced this isn't what i really love doing. yeah I can do it, I can learn about pleadings and all that rubbish, but, what I love doing? Nah. Not really. not my thing man. maybe advertising, maybe marketing. maybe branding. maybe working on a new concept. Where the brainstorming part comes in. But drafting? Nah...

Sigh.
God's asked me to wait and I hope i don't go crazy.