It is better to have, in any sense of the word, any semblance of aim, than having no aim at all.

Nazi-bashers would disagree, but in army looking at people with no aim in life makes me wonder why anyone in the world would want to waste a precious day in their life that God gives to them. if they're secular, that they just were fortunate to live through.

It would be better having a bad aim in life, and then realising that they need to find a good aim, and move somewhere, than having no aim at all.

NS is such drudgery. going through the motions. his and byes that don't mean anything, possibly because you've said hi and bye to the same person a million times, and it would sound mightily impolite not to be friendly. you see, it's all a great wayang show. no one has any vested interest in their NS life anyway. no one has any vested interest in anything. no one has any aim. they all just want to wait for 6pm to come and then they can go home and start living. how sad is that?

And as for me, it would be stupid for me to waste my time. I'm simply just trying to be a good disciple of Christ, trying to love everyone I meet. Jesus will be pleased, i'm sure. The problem is that most of the time my actions are simply gestures without the emotions, form without any substance in them. I console myself that maybe loving is simply a facet of the will, trying to do the best for them, but I just wished I had more empathy.

The problem about most people, including me, is that we compartmentalise our life. We view Friday nights to Sunday as the days we live, and the weekdays as drudgery and humourless droll. But, called by God in 'whatever you do, do it for the Lord', and it is a blank 'whatever' and not simply 'whenever you feel like it'. So we chong and do all the fun things having the time of our lives, and when weekdays come we end up just going through the motions, as though these days were not worth living. And, moreover, even without such a command from God, I would find it ludricrous to suggest that we waste whatever days we have. Time will slip by so gently. Who knows what God has in store for us? Who knows what God can do through us, especially at work when everyone looks at me as a Christian, an ambassador of Christ! I have a responsibility to Jesus personally. i fail, sigh. yes. so badly. but I'd keep on going. I must. There is still hope. Jesus is risen. There is still hope.

And for me I'm even more psycho. I always want to treasure the moments. I'd always cherish the rose, and then find thorns to surround it. I've never understood the idea of having a basketful of roses, or a wonderful continuous experience. I tend to chop up life into little moments.

The only time I think I really enjoyed the whole stretch was prom, because I willed myself to enjoy it. maybe i should just will myself to enjoy everything.

Jesus is really so faithful. i've doubted so many times, but everytime i go to Him in prayer and just confessed personally He's never failed at all. i trust Him to get me through this. to restore. i prayed that He would let me have fellowship with Him again and let me feel instead of think. and really i just enjoyed such a nice fellowship on my way home and i could actually feel the Lord again, instead of just thinking. it's as though i could connect with God again. sometimes it gets very spiritually dry, but He answers prayers even though i don't deserve any to be answered. i mean nothing beats knowing Him i suppose. knowing that hey Jesus is my Shepherd and He's still there even though i'm so damn unfaithful and so doubtful over my own standing with God you know. sigh.
i think the whole problem was really like what pastor cynthia said; i had a very roman-catholic view of Christianity. because the whole problem started with the verse of 'away i don't know you' which really started instiling alot of fear, because i was so afraid i wasn't good enough. but i thiink Jesus Himself was showing me something last wednesday (see the last post) and that we're saved, I'm saved, by grace and faith alone and not by works, He's trying to set me free from the slavery of trying to prove myself. I dont' have to, because of who He is and what He's already done on the cross and well i've already received it and stuff and so well i'm already righteous coz of Jesus and not of my own. sigh. i just misread that verse so much. and the thing is that soemtimes i doubt that Jesus wants me but then the verse came that God wants all to be saved and if i have received, which i have, then he's not going to say no u're not good enough because thats not who Jesus is He wants me anyway and now that I'm His he's not going to say ah shawn you're such a sinner (Which i am) and just kick me out. i mean after that verse i just had such a strict judgement view of Jesus that He would just gauge all our sins and see whether we deserve to go to heaven or not. i really misintepreted it, that's y the whole 6 months i was living in such fear of doing anything wrong or sinful, until my whole view of God was so skewed and i didn't have any freedom. i was living under what was the yoke of slavery. but now Jesus is showing me something that He loves me for who I am coz of what He has done.


now to some other stuff. less important, i suppose. but perhaps you might be bored to listen to me talk about my spiritual life and my relationship with God all the time. maybe you'd like to hear something else.


1. i may decide to give up drinking. i think drinking just places immense pressure on your brain. i don;'t think God really wants that. mm. i went to brewerkz and we were having a roll of a time but after that i got really woozy.

2. mahjong's fun. so's sudoku. i dont' know, getting the brain working again?

3. blue bar and bistro at central malls' the works, it' sgot really nice music and really cheap wine and what more can you ask for? not a place to spot the ladies, though.


i don't know i think we're all just in a limbo i just need some entertainment! argh.

The Lord Jesus has such a wonderful sense of timing. yesterdasy i was just talking to my mother about the problem about Christians who always try to earn their salvation by doing good works in the hope that God'll see them and recognise them and all that, and like alot of churches have this funny idea of waht it means to be a Christian. they hence get very burdened and all that (because they'll never be as good enough, because we're not meant to live that way! we're not Jesus! we're just men. He's God, thats y he's perfect but we're men.) and so i was just talking to the Lord last night just like a friend and it was really nice because i could feel the life just rushing back to my bones again, as i was simply able again to communicate with people, to communicate with Him with my heart and not just with my mind. (if you get what i mean). i mean i was back to my old self again and really the feeling i get from just talking with Jesus is simply something that you'd never experience ever before. it's urm really something wonderful and loving and heartfelt and like He's just your old friend and you can just talk to Him, not because you feel that you merit it or what but because of what He's done. i mean last time i was really quite afriad of talking with the Lord because i feel i wasn't good enough but yhou know what it's what He has done and who He is (he's forgiving, loving, etc) and not what we can do by our own efforts. so however unworthy we feel He still loves us and we can still talk to Him, and He hears!

and so today i was doing masterlife and i thought the thing would be on witnessing to the world. but funny enough something really struck me from galatians. it was about the idea of grace! it says since we belong to Christ, we're not to be burdened by the yoke of slavery! the whole idea of a few passages and chapter 6 was that since Christ died for all our sins, we're under grace, we're saved by faith alone. and because we're saved by faith alone, we should not be trying to earn our salvation. that's slavery! it's a burden! because we're nver going to be good enough, but then we keep trying to be perfect, and that burden of expectation just prevents me at least from leaving the victorious Christian life. but now that we know that hey the Lord has forgiven us of allsins and justified us from all of that through His blood, we can just go and love and be free because there's no more burden, we live by the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit is a Spirit of love and natural Godly characteristics of Christ and all that, not trying our best to conform to the law, but it's a natural outspring of goodness that will just naturally come through us.
you know what it's really uncanny. Jesus has a wonderful sense of humour.

praise the Lord!

(i've been wiating for deliverance for the longest time and i thank Jesus that He's shown it somehow. "He's faithful, even though we're unfaithful, for He cannot deny Himself.")

the quiet time yseterday was about this man who was so aware of Jesus' presence in His life all the time. and alot of times people think hey we can't be like that we're not so holy, but after this verse you know what we can! it's just a matter of faith. we sometimes think we're not good enouhg, but no one really is. so yseterday i just had faith that hey you know im good enough, because Jesus has forgiven everything! I can be with Him just as the pastor in the devotion book just included Him in everything. i can speak to Him just like a friend speaks to a friend because of what He did for me, there's no spseration, or need to have any kind of formal courtesies (of course not disprect lah) but no need to be like, He's so high and mighty, all that. Yes He is God, but we're His!

The last few months have been really bad. i mean my mind was plagued by all sorts of spiritual attacks and blasphemies from the enemy and all that. i mean it was really hell. you know what hell is? it's seperation from God (Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit). it's not simply a place where you burn and all that. it's simply a seperation from God. man somehow during that time i felt like that. my faith was so diminished and i was receiving and receiving Jesus again that was really wrong i realised.

and the problem was that i was really disturbed by one passage from Scripture which was about Jesus saying to the people 'away, you wicked people...i don't know you...' and you know what i was just fearing and fearing the Lord and i think that really made things really bad. i think i really just took that verse out of context, since those people that were described weren't true believers, in that sense, whereas I am (and i know that I have experienced Christ in some degree or form to an extent that possibly it's more than just psychological, and I hope that is) and i'm still trying to search and seek after the Lord-- and what i did was to start living by the law, by my works, and not simply believe that i'm already saved by my faith in Jesus the Risen Lord. and so i was just afraid that hey my salvation can be cut off at any point if i don't perform up to expectations. this creates alot of problems. firstly, it creates alot of fear. instead of the spirit of sonship which makes us cry 'Abba Father' in thanks for the free gift of salvation and the true love within towards our Lord Jesus Christ who is in heaven for just doing everything for us (and all we did was receive, we didn't have to do anything), i was bugged with the spirit of fear that left me clinging on to just theological truths and trying my best to conform and be perfect which of course put a strain on my mind and my body because i am never going to be perfect until the Lord takes me home in heaven. so of course my mind started rebelling and screwing up. it is true that sometimes i even 'love' Jesus out of compulsion, because i was reading the shorter catcheism that says that true believers will love Jesus more and more. well, this is because they love Jesus because of what He did on the cross, of His first love for us. well i love Him also when i think about what he did for me, but only thing is that i was scared that i wasn't a true believer because sometimes i don't love him as much as i should. well, this boils down to having no patience. gone was the joy, gone was the peace. the only thing that kept me going was that, oh, i want to go to heaven. i'm sure that the Spirit did indeed guide me along in certain points to tell me that Jesus still loves me as I am (which means i'm a Christian already) and experience God in a certain way.

you know, the doctrine of a 'continual salvation' is certainly certainly wrong. it is simply against Biblical principles and is certainly just a blasphemy designed to remove the joy of Christians in serving Jesus. the word says 'for we are saved by faith alone, and not by works, so that no one can boast'. it says 'for as many as received Him, He gave them the right to become children of God, even to those that believed unto His name.' there are so many passages that say you're saved when you've received. well, i'm sure that's not in question. the only question that is it once and for all?

for no true believer can truly fall because Jesus/God, who is the 'author and perfecter of our faith', will never let them. what is the point of going after other sheep if the sheep in the original pen haven't yet been fully saved? Jesus is love, (for I am convinced that nothing can seperate us (Christians who have received) from the love of God which is in Jesus Christ our Lord) He delights all the time in the right (and not wrong) (for that is what love is), He loves to bring Christians back to the truth, back to Him, He will keep them in His hand, just as He has said in the Word. there is no such thing as, oh, He'd just leave us to die and all that. That isn't love! That's not what a shepherd would do. A shepherd would bring His people back. A shepherd guides them to the right path (which is unto salvation, for what else is right?.)

I think that simply for any Christian who has the Holy Spirit in him the joy of knowing Jesus and being with Him and being with the Father is sufficient for any person to want to draw closer to the Lord and know Him and fellowship with Him because there is simply no greater joy than knowing the risen Lord. backsliden Christians who have sinned against the Lord find it difficult to even live. they are filled with guilt, etc, because they are so far away. they feel cut off from God/Jesus because of their sin, and it's the horrible feelings perhaps that makes them want to come back to the Lord. non-Christians will never feel that, they'd enjoy their sin. for Christians like us, after we sin, man, we just feel a prick in our soul, in our being, as the Holy Spirit tells us we've sinned against God, and then we go back and ask for forgiveness and feel the restoration in our souls. (okay this is very man-centric but you get the idea i'm going through) okay this isn't very Bibilical but just from experience.

the only thing about this is that the Holy Spirit will naturally bring us to obedience to the Lord and soften our spirit and keep us submissive to Jesus, to the Father, as we sanctify ourselves and yield to the Holy Spirit. but we have to yield to the Spirit if we really want to be sanctifed, of course, which is what Jesus wants and that's what we want of course.


i don't know man, please enlighten me, more developed Christians in the Lord!?

Today's been seriously joyful.

To be honest, I have been doubting my salvation alot. i was reading the Shorter Catcheism and like some things i didn't really feel.

so i prayed again. i prayed to receive Christ Jesus as Lord again. u know i'm really insecure about these things. i prayed to my Heavenly Father to forsake all known sins and repent and all that.

i prayed for a filling of the Holy Spirit of God into me.

and i'm seriously very joyful now! it was like, i was just praising God without even thinking about what to say. it's just like the words came out as though it was from a psalm, you know, it just flowed out giving thanks and exaltation to God above. i give thanks that hey i'm getting some kind of reassurance of my own salvation that can never be taken from me. Lord Jesus i'll live in faith, obedience, and trust forever. it was like, i love the Lord Jesus! i really do. i mean i could really feel it again. and feel that i was truly praying to Him my Saviour again. and really feel that I am justified, that I'm part of God's family as His own child. i am a child of God! the Spirit of God is in me to praise and worship Him and that's great!

the shorter catcheism also mentions that we are to continually have faith and keep having faith. it's not a one time thing, but something that keeps going and keeps going. so yeah.

all the way man!

Hello everyone.

God allows trials sometimes in my life to get me back on the right path. This I thank the Lord for. It is difficult to be totally thankful. you'd ask why. but sometimes, actually most of the time, i haven't been as obedient as i would have liked to be.

putting the Lord Jesus in the centre is something i always try. but sometimes things just distract. alot of things distract. sometimes i'm lacking faith. lacking the patience to see things through, lacking the patience to see that hey the Lord has a wonderful plan for my life and He's just waiting for me to let Him come and take control. and i'm still clinging on to my old stubborn beliefs in the hope that they'd turn up fine, but all the time I know that they won't. i'm sorry you know. i'm really apologetic. i try hard. i'd always put excuses that it's NS, that we're impatient to ORD, but hey discipleship is a life-long thing. doing masterlife and saying 'putting Christ at the centre of our lives' may seem like an easy commitment, but it is certainly difficult. when you have a girlfriend (hypothetically speaking), how do you balance your Christ-centered life with your love for your girl? it says love God first. that's true. but really it takes lots of prayer.

and really sometimes there are so many trials. but i'll be patient. that He'd find a way out. claim the promise that no temptation's too great to bear.


sometimes i even doubt God's faithfulness. i like to base everything on my own feelings, but that's obviously wrong. try as i want to, sometimes you don't feel very close to God at all. sometimes you feel very far. but God's always faithful isn't He. He's governed by His own words and not your own feelings right. sigh. but sometimes we're just looking for God. and yet you read Job and you see that he was 'forsaken' by God for a very long long time. and how bout Abraham that had to wait so long for Isaac. and there's a passage in the Bible that states the whole idea of 'by faith' so many things happened, and many people did not receive what they deserved in the first place but they deserved so much more, something like that. and so i'm going to have the faith that the Lord my Heavenly Father has something better planned for me than this mundane existence. and even if it's not revealed in the way i want it just let me have faith please.

i remembered at the start of the year faith was such a strong theme, i was stressing it to my churchmate and stuff. i was just reading john bevere and the last chapter on obedience was on faith, and i was just thinking, hey, he's so right you know. because without faith you start thinking that God isn't able to do anything, you start thinking that God is just not doing anything. but then He is doing something. It's just that I can't see it with my own eyes, of course! and there was one day when i was praying and the whole idea of faith came in, i was praying for my dad at the time, and i just felt my whole body just being refreshed again. i give thanks for those times. but it's important for me now to have faith. because "without faith it is impossible to please God".


so i will have faith now. whatever trials, temptations, may befall me. but God will deliver me. without trials and temptations (it was funny coz i was flipping the Bible and the verse about trials and temptations developing character just struck) there's no character development. without them we don't grow in our walk with the Lord. we'll just end up stagnant right. we don't rely and depend on Him then, we think we can do it ourselves. but you know what? i don't care what others may do. but I can't do anything without the Lord. i just can't. He's delivered me from so many trials in my life that i don't know what to say to thank Him. but then without those trials i probably wouldn't have abided so much.


you see. sigh.

i humble myself again. i'm sorry all my friends for being weird. you know, it's just a thing. times are a-changing, people leave. but the Lord is forever faithful. All the promises in the Bible were fulfilled, over 500 (if i remember correctly) prophesies about the Lord Jesus Christ's coming were fulfilled. i'm sure my own feelings are totally inadequate to explain the relationship between me and God.

So many things to thank the Lord for. for His peace and comfort He offers to me now as i submit myself unto my Lord Jesus, to His authority, to yield to Him, to the Holy Spirit, to God the Father. i quench the secret rebellion that has been brewing in my heart that has led to so much instability and a lack of peace in my mind. His way is better, and I believe that. Jesus is my Lord and my King. I'll follow His example. He obeyed and submitted to the Father who sent Him in love for us to die on the cross as our Saviour and our Lord. So I too will submit and obey Jesus my Lord forever in love and gratitude that He has saved me. no more will i think, wah, this isn't good enough, this isn't what, because His plan is better. and I'm going to rest in that. I'm in NS now, life is not so smooth-sailing, i get tired easily. but His peace will be there for me I'm sure.

Because rebellion is of the devil. and there is no godliness or righteousness in rebellion. Only in His authority is there peace. Under His wings i'd find the peace.

And I thank God that today I can tell my department mates about my faith in the Lord Jesus my Risen Lord and yeah it's truly blessed. i'm really thankful. i mean i long to share about my faith and now I had the chance to do so. and i think he's ready. yay. now I have to pray to find out how to share. yips.

Today was really blessed again! I woke up having not done my quiet time and decided to start the day right by praying to my Lord Jesus , about having a 'right heart', coz the Lord looks at the heart and not outward appearances.
I was playing piano 'Bewitched bothered bewildered', which was nice. and later on i was reading Ivan chan's blog about worshipping God and having faith and praising Him even though things are tough, and that really struck me. so i went into the room, on the piano, to praise Him, writing a new song for Him. which was really nice. 2 of the other nice songs that i wrote kept playing in my head as well. All glory be to Him because He's made music anyway for His glory. maybe i'm meant to serve Him in this way, perhaps. Just jumping up and down praising Him and His exalted glory in heaven, the glorious King, Lord Jesus, ...you know, those times are precious.

and really i'm putting away my doubt, and claiming His promises, that He loves me, He cares for me, etc. He died for me, for my sin, what greater love is that? 'Greater love has no one than this'-- My Lord Jesus died for me and rose again. so i'll live in faith forever that He is taking care of me wherever I may go. and I've just gotta live in simple faith and trust that He's there everyday. i always have a tendency to shut Him out, which is not really good. instead this is a relationship, an everyday one-- I've just gotta love Him and treasure His presence more. but Yes Lord this is good. because doubt is really a sin which really contradicts the verse 'the righteous shall live by faith' and if I dont live by faith what can I do? the evil one will be able to get me and poison my mind and all that. but I know that I'm saved, I'm a Christian, I'm here to worship and serve the Lord Jesus as I am His already and saved at a price... His own life. and He's raised me up to seat me in the Heavenly places with Him.

Lord I know that You love me. Help me to live in Your authority. Help me to walk in Your ways. Help me to live obediently. To be Your disciple. Amen.


One friend had commented that my blog seemed like a prayer sometimes. i suppose it is. i dont think there's anything wrong with that. The Gospel of Jesus is here to be preached to everyone. not to be ashamed of it, but to go forth with it and as a light spread to others. not to be ashamed and keep it and hide it in this secular world, but to spread it. because you'd never know where the seed may reach. it might just reach some soul in real need of God who manages to hear it and hear the wonderful message that God has for him and that He has a plan for him through Jesus the way, and then he might be blessed.

im sure there are other things about my life which needs work. but i guess im the sort of person who needs to be certain about what im doing before i do it. which is to live in obedience to my parents, to Jesus my Lord. anything else is useless. and sinful. and well today im telling myself not to go to a pub because church is on Sunday and i dont want to spoil my body and harm my mind. and i need to be grounded at this point, at this time, where I am, knowing that that's where God/Jesus my Lord wants me. and not to worry about what i'm going to do in the future, or whether this is the best place for me. because where God puts me is the best place for me anyway.


come on Christians!


this sounds really fundementalist but it's called encouragement!

In this life there's only one thing you can take with you, and that's, for me, the Lord Jesus. He's everything to me. I'm realising that hey I can't take anything else with me. i'm just too weak. too lousy. too frail. saying the wrong things at the wrong times. because of the wrong attitudes. sigh. it's bad it's hard.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Shawn
2. Spoon
3. Poon (+at)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Ceadsearc
2. Shawnerie
3. lalaz

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Brain
2. Fingers
3. Nose

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Skin
2. Fats (around the waist)
3. Eyes

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. God
2. Music
3. Reticence

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. The unknown and nebulous
2. Aggressive achievement-oriented people
3. The unseen evil

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. God/Jesus
2. Music
3. MSN

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:

aiya who cares.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Cranberries
2. Hillsongs
3. Miles Davis
4. Silje Nergaard/Bebel Gilberto ( i cant' decide really)
5. Eva Cassidy

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: (ONLY THREE!!!?? HMM LETS MAKE IT TEN)
1. Summertime (Ella Fitzgerald)
2. Autumn Leaves (Eva Cassidy's version rocks)
3. Have I Told You Lately (Van Morisson)
4. Moon River
5. You're Beautiful (James Blunt)
6. Knowing You (Graham Kendrick)
7. So Nice (Stacey Kent, Astrud Gilberto, Bebel Gilberto)
8. Bewitched, Bothered, Bewildered (i like the Silje Nergaard version)
9. Ai Heng Jian Dan / Pu Tong Peng You (David Tao)
10. my own songs! lol.


THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. God
2. Chemistry
3. Love/Faithfulness

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I failed my basic theory driving test two times
2. I've run into a beehive before
3. I haven't stepped into a club all year (2005)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1.Eyes
2. Intelligence
3.Warmth

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Daydreaming in bed. sleeping. just lazing in bed. you get the idea
2. Playing music/jamming
3. Playing tennis

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Talk to someone new on MSN
2. Sleep
3. Drink Vodka

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. Lawyer
2. Busker
3. Counsellor
4. Architect

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Vienna
2. Paris
3. Any carribean island eg. Aruba


THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I eat a lot. A lot.
2. I do have a libido
3. Football and beer go down well with me (feel like havign vodka now, i told u)

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. Rather give in than confront. particularly with other boys.
2. Can't decide what I want to eat, or buy, or do
3. I hate insensitive jerks

Some interesting revelations which are already known but which struck me so hard today.

1. It's all about God- Jesus. it's not about me, nor about my life, or what i wanna do, it's about what He wants to do through me and what He's doing in this world.

alot of times i'm selfish and i'm living for the moments. good moments, bad moments. that's just totally a wrong perspective. in fact i compare the moments sometimes. no wonder we're never satisfied. but then, paradigm shift guys-- it's not about the moments, it's about a relationship with Jesus Christ my Lord. things will look different. even between the good times there are things to live for.

2. yeah, so it' s not about the moments. it's about relationships. it's about God, about Him. it's all about you, Jesus, and all this is for you, for your glory and your fame, it's not about me, as if you should do things my way, You alone are God and I surrender to your ways.

There is no greater joy than knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I delight in Him. if anyone lacks joy, ask Him!
we can search for an eternity and look for happiness or completeness, but the only complete joy is in the Lord Jesus. anything else is incomplete and lacking.

seriously.
all music, all clubbing fun, all good relationships-- there'll always be ups and downs, frustrations, good times, bad times, good brains, bad brains-- but Jesus is always good and always loving and always giving us joy.

the loving Jesus who is compassionate, kind, good-hearted, wonderful, amazing, powerful, loving, self-sacrificial, the Lamb of God... wow.


i delight in God, in Jesus.


learn to be thankful Shawn! learn to be content!

Sigh. I've been so ridden with confusion the past two days, caught up in a selfish cycle of sin. insecurity. being not under the authority of God through obedience opens up the pathway for the evil one to attack and pose doubts and everything. but only through a new-found obedience which i've learnt again today is the evil one kept at bay. and real peace is again found through God. by faith.
it is faith that really protects me. it's a 'shield of faith'--part of the armour of God. it is God protecting me from the evil one which lurks, and i have faith then that God is good, He's always for me, I'm His Child, again by faith, and that He'll never let me fall. By faith I claim that and claim His protection over my life. in the Bible it was read about those people who had great faith and because of their faith Jesus healed them. So i believe God will do it because I have faith He will do it, according to His will. i used to pray in a mess, keep praying, hoping that God will work, but now i dont have to, because i pray and i know that by faith, He's working, even if i dont see it....and if i don't see it it doesn't mean He's not working~! so yeah. live by faith, all Christians. for it is by faith that we are saved. and so i have faith that the Lord my God is keeping the evil one at bay, protecting me from him, protecting me from Satan whose goal is to destroy me. but in the Lord Jesus i am kept alive. thank you God.

prayer meeting was amazing! now there is again peace in me, and life. the evil one cannot foil Your purposes anymore, Lord. thank you. i can draw near to you in peace. we sang 'knowing You, Jesus, knowing You, there is no greater thing.' and i sincerely believe there is no greater thing than knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.

to live in obedience! because in obedience there is protection from the evil one. and in obedience God is pleased and will bless my life. Lord you told me to go and spread the gospel. let me do that in my department. to bring O back to you. to bring people to your kingdom by my love for them to display your love when i love them i love you Jesus. so let me do that. to live in obedience, not being ashamed of You Lord Jesus, but always proclaiming Your love and Your sacrifice for all men as the only way to God. let me live life in that way. because i can not live for any other. please bless my life Dear Father, Most High God. Saviour. Lord. i live for you.

there's a very simple logic to this. if outwardly i spread the Word and live in obedience to the great commission which is from God, then God is pleased, and i can enjoy an inward good relationship with Him. if outwardly however i dont love, dont do anything, dont do anything at all, live selfishly, God definitely isn't pleased with me, He wont' bless me inwardly. there is a logic about this whole issue. so let me live for the people around me in love.

today, three important lessons!
but yeah it's joyful. and i really really want this again! so Lord help me.

1. God wants me to love others. love others, as Jesus has loved me.

2. "be not anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord...and the God of peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (sic)... i mean it was really funny! because i was quietly asking God and listening, and this verse came to mind, and just minutes later the speaker was actually mentioning this verse! how wonderfully coincidental. i think the Lord really wants me not to be anxcious coz sometimes i really am. but God in His infinite mercy has calmed me down with that.

3. and the last lesson is to realise that really, I'm righteous before God, through Jesus Christ my atoning sacrifice for my sin. i mean sometimes the world teaches us that we must do do do alot of things in order to gain merit and gain the bosses's satisfaction and stuff, but with God it's different! Jesus has done everything, He's paid the penalty, He's the atonement for our sin, we just have to accept it! and since i've already accepted it, i was just thinking through it and like wow actually we're really already righteous through Jesus and already forgiven! it's really true joy knowing that the almighty God is happy with you and happy with your life and that now you're a child of God. Jesus has paid the price, we accepted it, now we can live in joy and peace...not needing to do anything to prove ourself, yay. i mean i sin alot and sometimes it clouds my vision of what life really is but now no more!~ i'm forgiven!~ =D


and now really my ears and eyes are opened! i can listen to beautiful music again. i look at the condo and see beautiful things. yay.

Many times there are lots of confusions in my mind but i believe that God in His infinite mercy is able to deliver me from all these trials and temptations.
in His mercy.

it's all about living for love. "Let us love one another, for love is of God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...He that loves not loveth not God for God is love'- 1 John 4:7-8. and you know, really that's true. many times i'm thinking, in social situations, what am i to do? but please, don't force yourself to live by rote, and don't force yourself to live by the law, but live by love through the Holy Spirit from God's love. do the best you can for others. the evil one knows not love--his is all hate, anger, pride, lust for power-- but God is different because, in spite of our sinfulness, He still loves us-- it is because of His love that we are able to be children of God, and freedom comes from His love.... i mean, love is one of the so central things in the Bible. faith, hope and love will remain, but the greatest of these is love. so let me live for love, just as Jesus loves me, and only with love are relationships made right.

and many times we think about the cross and its gruesome shame, but Lord i will delight in the cross, for it is glory and victory, freedom from Satan, from sin, from the dead. thank you for the cross Lord Jesus.


today's worship was great.

Today was great! i am amazed by His favour and mercy and by the little lessons God's teaching me as his child.

it didn't start off very well. i sinned quite a bit. and it was really bad on the way home; the torture was killing me, the soul torture.
i thank You that in Your infinite mercy You still found me. even though i was stained with so many countless sins.
i was still and quiet, and recalling my day, and then i suddenly realised the important lesson you wanted to teach me.
it was that You wanted me to be humble. too often i've taken pride in my own achievements, in being an NCO in army, in being a capable person in a land where most people dont have great academic credentials, on being a good musician and stuff-- yet God told me to be humble. before this my soul was totally a mess, restless, weak, and all that, but once it suddenly dawned on me to be humble, suddenly i felt this peace, that was allowing me to rest in Him. the Holy Spirit was telling me the Father's will which was to tell me to be humble. it's only in humility that we can come before the Lord. and because i was humble God did help me to find that treasure again. i thank You Lord for that, though You are the biggest treasure.

at quiet time i was just reflecting on Jesus as my friend. Jesus as my shepherd. Jesus as my best friend. i could just talk to Him in a personal way and thanking Him for dying on the cross. just confessing that He is the Son of God and that He is Lord. and then i was praying to the Father; please reveal yourself to me and may I be known by You. and something stirred in my heart and reminded me to be humble. God wants me to be humble, in my workplace, in my life. and that's what i'm going to do. especially starting tomorow in the work place. in my mind were images of a slice of heaven. not sure if i saw colours it was all a bit fuzzy but maybe saw Jesus praying for me, Jesus at the right hand of God. thank you Lord. almost out-of-body peace was great. the Holy Spirit was definitely there in my heart, i could feel it. i don't know but sometimes i'm always wondering if i am truly truly saved. but you know, with all these lessons my Father's teaching me to become more like Jesus, who was so humble, there is little doubt.

i used to be plagued by mental insecurities and fear of Satan and fear of blasphemising my loving God, but just now at quiet time there was just that peace. i am thankful for that.

and i just pray that it'll last. it has been one of the best days of the month! July 14th! thank You Lord for loving me.

the one fundemental truth i've also learnt is that Jesus loves me! Lord Jesus you love me that's one of the most profound truths and yet it's so simple. Jesus Son of God loves me. thank You. You have defeated the evil one and there is no return now!

yay.

It's been an interesting weekend, followed by another intresting couple of days.
dont usually blog about my life, but then.
it was interesting. monday night was fun with kevin and talking and laffing like old times. oh wells.

one of my biggest aims now is to get closer to God and know Him more intently. i realised i haven't been actually doing this very well, so hence my new commitment. i have to know Him for His sake, for the main goal of knowing Him, and not for other things, such as-- oh i can write new songs! oh i can have a better life-- no, no, it is not for that, but for the sole purpose of knowing Him and obeying Him.

tuesday morning was interesting. i was feeling really shacked, but the thought came to mind about Jesus and His great love for me. and i was really just feeling His comforting presence around me, a comforting wind. i have realised i'm not going to live a moderate life. my Lord told me to take up my cross and follow Him, and not look back- often it is us, the privileged, that find the most difficulty doing so-- Jesus said how difficult are the rich to go to heaven-- and it's because we aren't ready to put down all our crowns and take up the cross to follow. and that has been my problem. but i realise that the life God has for me is going to be much better and much more fulfilling and will ultimately decide my destiny. nothing else can bring satisfaction, i realised, my soul thirsts for the living God. nothing else can bring that same kind of love and security as the knowledge that God is with me and for me. nothing else can bring me protection from the evil one. so i want to be radical-- to really really follow Jesus and obey Him and leave no baggage. don't want to have all these other commitments and distractions. just want to narrow it down and be obedient to Him. and to worship Him. and to give my all to His purpose. you can't be a Christian, and be obsessed over music, or be obsessed over sport; one can only serve one thing.

this morning i was struck by the thought that the Jesus i worship is the same Lord Jesus found in Scripture! it may sound so obvious but sometimes it doens't really srtike you that hard; but yeah this morning it did, that yeah, it was a historical thing, He indeed did come down, was born a virgin birth, did all the miracles, died on the cross and rose again on the third day, appeared to the disciples, and is in Heaven. it's wonderful knowledge to know that Jesus remains the same and is seated at the right hand of God. it brings a perspective to things; to follow is to obey the things He said in the Bible. and another thought that came to mind is how i am a son of God! God is my Father, im adopted by faith in Jesus Christ and im an adopted son! in His family! it's wonderful. it's not just justification; it's adoption. thank you Father.


it's funny how all these thoughts appear during morning parade. parade isnt;' so bad after all. haha.

Yesterday was fantastic! =) it was one of those days that was like a microcausm of my life.

i started the day feeling very woozy and i went to play tennis with chris, which wasn't very good. haha. lol. just got the ball off at all the wrong angles. lol. went to eat lunch with mel yesterday- hmms. i dunno i was quite off seemed like the conversation din go very well huh it was like hi and how are you - it is my fault mate. sorry. haha. dunno man. kinda like drifting alittle i feel. but well it's fine really.

i was hanging around orchard after that and i was thinking about life. went to darren's house to jam, play ping pong and just have fun -- the scenery from his house is gorgeous! esp when you walk out and the sunset was so nice. haha.

went to wala yesterday , drank some white wine (i like!) and beer. man got a bit high, writing some r n b songs and all that. dancing around to the music. went for a road trip for supper with jeremy darren mark which was really fun! hmms. to geylang to eat dim sum. nice trip man. lots of stupid comments made which makes it interesting ah. huh.

(i dont usually blog about my everyday life coz it gets boring but one has to remind oneself about the good things in life before the dread of monday-thursday).

at home it was really nice. i was just praying to God and talking to Him in a very personal way i suppose. i was reading a blog i stumbled upon about being close to God and i think that's really what i want. so i decided to really put down everything to seek the One who loves me and yeah just talked to Him as a friend, which was really nice. just prayed that He will empower me, He will guide me, lead me away from temptation, etc. just talked to Him as He leads. which was really nice. just worshipping God with the song 'worthy is the Lamb', worshipping Jesus, how grateful we are to Him for His sacrifice on the cross and His love for me- yay. i mean, that's really the essence of what it's all about. worship. putting aside our own pride and all that and just proclaiming that Jesus is Lord and He's God over my life. and i claim the promise that 'no one can say Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit'. a little comforting to know the Spirit's there. haha. (i get rather insecure). wrote a song about Jesus' wondrous love. Satan can never get me because Jesus is holding me and even the evil one / evil ones are scared of the very name of Jesus (like the demon was driven out just by Jesus' presence alone in the Bible~!) -- how comforting is that!

it's really nice. sigh. today when i woke up im so energetic and lively and vivacious, talking to my mother loads. and loving each other. praying for London. thanking Jesus for my life. i mean such things there are no parallels. no looking back.

i know sometimes my life goes through stages where im just messed up. insecure. no order in life. but that's not going to happen.
life is beautiful and orderly in Jesus and i'm going to live it this way.

This week has been both joyful and very testing as well=D while there have been moments of security and peace, some parts of it has been very testing. as though the evil one is trying to twist my mind out of shape. but thankfully, as JI Packer said in 'Knowing God', those moments don't last.
God is sovereign and I believe that totally. He's unchangeable. and in His word (which is always true) he gave us certain promises. and i believe i can totally totally cling on to those promises and they'll hold for me because His word is always true. and one of the promises i just thought of today was that he won't allow any temptation beyond what i can bear. and i will just claim that promise and believe in faith that the evil one cannot tempt me or bring me away from God/Jesus. yes Lord that is so true.
and everything's in its right place. God--Father/Son/Holy Spirit is the head of my life and my Heavenly Father. below that comes family and maybe some of my interests such as music. but they're never going to overshadow God. i shall not want, and there is such great order in this system where God is the head-- everything else will fall into place just nicely. it is stable. i'm just going to allow God to work in my life; i trust that He's going to make a way for me and that He loves me and is actively working in me for me for us, and i dont have to worry about where i'm going and all that, because He's always leading me by His Holy Spirit, just as a shepherd leads his sheep.
it's been a great day, today. i wrote a song yesterday about seeking God, and it was stuck in my head a little bit this morning during parade giving me gentle reminders about finding God first in my life--my one desire. afternoon and i wanted to live out what my master Jesus said- to love others. at night was nice because i just found a bit more stability and peace and claimed that promise stated above-- that everything's in the right place-- and watched Fantastic Four which was pretty fun; had supper at the esplande with quek and jem which was really nice. good company and nice atmosphere. nice stability and feeling. yeah. everything's good. wrote a norah jonesque song which i think is pretty useful and nice~ yay=)

tuesday was spent praising God on the piano and singing out to Him. seek God and things will be added to you.
-the ironic thing about a Christian is that we'll enjoy God's blessings, but we won't seek pleasure or happiness- we'll seek God, and everything else will be added unto us, but that won't be our first priority--more of a side-product perhaps? it's a good way to look at it i suppose.

wednesday was spent praying hard for family. and wrote christian song. praying and reading 'knowing GOd' which i think is great.

hope you are fine too!

today was met with lots of physical ailments, but thank God for an awesome quiet time today! praise God. i was just still before God and praying with all my heart, soul, and mind. no distractions. thank God i can be still. and i should really do it before i come online. it's much better that way. prayed the Lord's prayer, i think that's a great way of doing it. it's the way our Lord Jesus told us how to do it anyway.

my spirit sang 'Worthy is the Lamb' with the "chords" in the background. i kinda realise how all three persons of God (the Trinity) work together as one for the same purpose and fulfils different roles in it--The Father elects, the Son redeems, the Spirit seals our salvation.

I thank God for making it clear that I don't need to fear. alot of times i fear, i fear alot of things--the evil one satan, my own sin, my own insecurity, even my own irrationality. but God reminded me so wonderfully in His great mercy that He is always for me and will always be with me-- the Bible text was of Gideon and of his insecurity in fighting the Midianites (i think it was) and how he asked God to show him some 'sign' that he was the chosen one to go and fight and that God would be with him. and the message is, do not fear by having faith in the Lord. and i know that God You're strengthening my faith day by day and i know that with You in control nothing can ever destroy me or defeat me or seperate me from You. so i shall not fear because your perfect love will drive out all my fear.

thank You.

I'm on a pilgrimage to find and meet God. i believe there's no better thing and nothing more inspiring and worthwhile than to meet Him and obey Him. i mean this week i've learnt important lessons which i really really want to remember and internalise in my life.
i've learnt to put Jesus as the center of my life-- and everything will be well with me!. i've learnt the need to persevere against trials and temptations, for that builds character (James 1). i've learnt to submit and obey. i've learnt that God is for me. i've learnt to trust Him and put Him first.
how precious is the sweet name of Jesus! that saved us from our world of sin and brought us to fellowship with God and freedom from death and sin!

it's wonderful and truly awe-inspiring. God is. just pray that it'll continue and You'd find me faithful.

i mean alot of times i blog about these spiritual things because they're what concerns me. i mean i could blog about lots of earthly things but then again they're not that important in the light of eternity. you know, alot of times, our souls just yearn for God, our souls just crave for the living God and yearns to talk with Him. and we alot of times block out that need by filling our lives with busyness, with lots of music and rhythm and beats, by conversation and mental thoughts, when our hearts are really just craving for God. i'm glad that in the small moments of my life i'm able to sense a little bit of His direction and feel a little bit of God. just have to be more trusting and allow myself to be used by the Holy Spirit. but yeah i thank God that he's still merciful in spite of my sin.
i mean yesterday was band and the music was good thank God and i really wanted to write a song about the sweet name of Jesus because that was what i really felt, that Jesus' name is so precious and alot of pple just misuse it but really it's so precious it's the most precious name ever man. as the hymn goes, Precious Lord, take my hand.

today i was really quite off, because mebbe i was just trying to put the spiritual part away from me in order to get some rest. but it wasn't possible! in fact the whole day was really not that good. the only good part was the lunch and walking around with jing but other than that tennis was rubbish, and at colin's place save for the fantastic food and wine (Seifried Estate Winemaker's Collection 2001 pinot noir, fantanstic stuff, cost me a bomb too, sigh) the conversation was not good for me-- it was only when i was alone and praying to God about the day and actually slowing the pace down in the bus was everything much nicer, and much clearer-- i could find my soul and my peace again, and i din really need to talk so much because i was at peace, i was still before God and stuff. at leasat there was a bit of stillness. i could feel life in a totally different way i didn't feel before. which was great! so actually being with God (or not) makes so so much of a difference to me. it might not be, to others, but to me it is. i mean i am nothing without Him, truly nothing. my basic facilities are too rudimentary and crude to be of any use in this sophisticated world, and i'm just dumb without God--only with Him am i able to really be somebody and be myself. it was ironic it had to happen this way-- i was just thinking a few days back, is it any different with God or without God? Yes yes there is so much of a difference i don't want to go through this again. haha. ironic lesson.

anywae having said that the wine was really good.

praise God for my life.

Today has been great. so many things i've learnt! so many things i still need to work on.

firstly though, I need to trust more. and to know that God is always for me and always wanting me to come back to Him. i pray that i'll just come back to Him and trust in His unfailing promises. i only need God--that God is with me. nothing else will i cling on to lest Satan get footholds. Elder Ho just prayed that i'll resolve anything that's in my heart with You O Lord and Holy Spirit please remove my fear and anxiety. i keep fearing for myself i just need to know that in spite of my sin and unlovingness You still sent my Lord, Jesus Christ, to come down for me to save me. in spite of this you are merciful--i can just give thanks and praise You for your mercy. I can give thanks and praise you for your goodness and love. i shall not look back at my sin but praise you for the new life i have one of joy.

i struggle with sin. alot of times, we forget who we really are (For me, i'm a child of God) and wander off some lonely path hoping for some instant gratification, but then, we get lost there; we wanna come back, but it's a struggle, to put aside our pride and confess our disobedient sin. and so why should we wander? why don't we learn to keep on the straight and narrow path that God has created for us to walk in, under his cover and protection and authority, being obedient, living by faith and being obedient to his Word, and instead of being so distracted by the things of the world and the temporary temptations of pleasure. i want constancy. i want consistency. that's how i find my identity. i hate this compartmentalising of life that i sometimes do, as though praising God and worshipping is for church times, and in army i can do as i like coz it sucks anywae, and being with secular friends i adopt secular mindsets; that's just wrong. constancy, shawn. that's your identity and it shouldn't change. that's the only way to really walk with God. i am going to be judged for the deeds i do on earth on the whole time.

my soul longs for You O Lord. I am tired of this mundane existence sometimes. it's easy to just be happy about little things. but i realised that nothing else suffices except knowing You.


anyway batch reunion was good; talked to a few good friends i haven't met up with, met up with some ac pple, some classmates, some assorted friends from og and stuff, reminisced about the old times of BBTT. it was a great excursion. the music wasn't brilliant but the spirit was there. that's what matters.

help me God to live for You! To know you is the best thing. to have constancy. not to forget it when i wake up tomorow.

one thing i learnt: to do my QT before i go online/waste away/do other useless things! it's so important to put God first, even sequentially, because you'd be fresh and full of life and able to absorb what God wants to say and maybe your online life will be better. so what i've learnt today was:
1. spread the word! be like the honey bee. don't keep the good news of salvation to myself!
2. seek God first and everything else will come (after examining the patterns of my life;)

so well doing QT first and pt 2. are really quite the same point.


anyway the weekend has been good. friday was fun, playing tennis with chris. went to a tie-break, which i lost. but it was good coz i was able to strike at will. playing piano after that and teaching some guitar. saturday was really joyful. the music was good in the morning albeit the lyrics were wrong; the keys were right though, esp no such thing john mayer. pretty joyful later on at the civil defence academy doing IPPT admin. 'heart of worship' on the way back on the 172 really touched my heart as i worshipped God in the bus. but yeah you can worship God anywhere right. it's all about Him and not about me (yeah as the song goes. hmms). oh wells.

and maybe i shouldn't go to clubs and pubs too often. i realised it isn't very good and it isn't something that i really really want to do anyway.

the pristine shoreline of east coast malaysia  

nice scenery=)  

i'm looking rather kiddish in my shoes  

the trees are lonely, but not us!  

fabian doing the v  

me and lim yong, near the resort=)  

Me! 

Today was a wonderful day! Simply joyous. though, it didn't start off very well. i got sidetracked quite a bit, and did some things which i really shouldn't have done. but soon i realised that that wasn't what God wanted me to do. i meditated on Psalms 1, and i realised that the righteous, those who love God's law, are like trees planted in streams of living water, who will bear fruit, whose leaves will not wither (they will not die), and whatever they do will prosper. i imagined myself being like that tree, and the resolution was to follow God's Word more and to obey what He has said in His Book. I shall resist the evil one. I hate the evil one because he makes me do things i don't wanna do at all. And the verse 'resist the devil and he will flee from you' is so comforting. i have nothing to fear from Satan, because I belong to Christ and Christ is stronger than the evil one in the world. i thank God for that protection. he cannot hurt me. alot of times i just allow satan to just come in and mess up my life because i am so weak and all that. so any evil i'll just allow it to come and i'll just succumb to that without resisting. now let me be stronger O Lord to discern good from bad and to put up the armour of God to protect myself from the evil one! and that means, being strong in You, O Lord, and to have wisdom to discern.

on the way down to bras basah with ben k and before that at the MRT my resolution was to have a new start. last time i'm always on this up and down. and now i decided i will live for Christ. i will not care about what music sounds good or whether certain songs are in my head or not. those things are not important. my relationship with Jesus, who died for me, is not determined by music or what music is playing in my head now and how that symbolises what state i am in in my spiritual walk--it just doesn't work that way! i will live for others, to be salt and light to others. and stop living for myself no more. i will love others. this is a chance for a fresh start. i am thankful to God for that chance.

we always say, 'love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength'. alot of times we only know it intellectually, and how i wish i could practice it in reality! and in tecman, the bookshop, I could just feel the sweet love in my heart as I said the name of 'Jesus'--the Name of Jesus is so wonderful and sweet! I could feel how much I love Jesus. I love Him! i could feel it in my heart. and when i prayed for ben to find his book, the sensation was almost physical and so emotional, i could feel my spirit rising up inside me, in my heart, rising up to meet God's Spirit. i could feel the love in my heart, an uplifting of spirit. It wasn't just an intellectual belief in Christ (Which we all know), but it was truly manifested in an emotional and physical way. I thank God for that!! I am joyful.

i spent 30 min in QT today before that asking God to increase my love for Him. and i think that's why God helped me to open my eyes to see His love, shed on the cross for me. Tecman's great. it's so peaceful inside. God's love and presence is peace.

this post is a strong reminder that God still cares for me and that He is still for me, it's just that i have forgotten, in my weakness. so 'remind me, remind me dear Lord'.

church camp was good, by Dr David Sherbino. the location was very peaceful, the beach nice and rustic, the walkways almost foresty. a pity the older youth of my church didn't go, but there was still the younger youth for company. i thank God for all the youth, mark choo, tim teo, tim chua, tim tay, my cousin keith and kern, michelle w, jess and pam and clem, lionel etc. for company, and for my nice roommate fabian! lol. and the messages were all about drawing near to God, to build up the inner part of me. the first day was about solitude and silence, how to filter out the noise and slow down the pace of life in order for God to speak to us; the second day was about holy reading (lectio divina), which is about taking a piece of scripture, reading it, meditating on it, praying about it, contemplating what God wants to say in our lives, and to allowing us to internalise it; the third day was about prayer, saying short prayers like 'Jesus, Remember me', singing taize songs, singing the psalms, even being still before God as the Holy Spirit is interceeding to God with prayers for us. i really thank God for that opportunity for a fresh start to draw near to God. I pray that i'd be able to keep up what i've learnt and to apply it in my daily life and not let satan win the battle. i really pray that I'd be able to live up my life as a Christian.

I belong to Jesus, to God!
thank God i can live just as i want to, under His wings. no longer to be subject to a yoke of slavery!

Do good things for people. be obedient. have a fresh start. stop thinking about the past and comparing this time to that time and all that. it's about cultivating good habits and doing good works for God. stop that up down rubbish. you can control your own destiny. shawn. wake up! stop that ' today's a down day, today's an up day, today's down coz i'm in camp' mentality. it's not true! it's a lie that your life fluctuates based on your circumstance. control it! do good! you'd feel betta!

just be obedient huh. i'm going to chuch camp from wed to sunday, i'd hope it'll be good.

thank God for all the people around me. love you guys. i try my best i hope. when army brings negativity, thank you God you're always there to be light hope i can shine for you too.

i have to do good things for people. like the pastor says, care, give, love, show concern, share.... for the people around you. it's not for expectations of blessings in return, it's just a good habit. tis'a just a good way to live, is it not?

instead of being selfish.
lol.

God, you're my Heavenly Father. I proclaim that You are full of love. you're a loving God. you want the best for me, and if the best for me is to follow you because you're my Creator and you know my purpose, then what am i doing living for myself? argh. follow You! follow You! let me follow You because You love me. outta love. i have to have a fresh start. a fresh perspective. enough of these up-and-down days of wondering what it's all about and all that. a new start. a new start. everytime we have new starts. i gotta know where i'm going, what my purpose is, my direction, instead of just floating in space. it's too confusing this way. once i know my purpose i'd be more grounded and i'd be more effective for You O Lord. Thank You for the messages shared today at prayer meeting. how we are to be planted as trees near streams of living water where the roots grow deep. how we all have a purpose and we are to seek what God wants for our lives and follow that. have faith. love.


many times we get distracted and we run far away from that stream. but then coming back is difficult and painful. you have to uproot (literally). so please, stop running away from the stream. stay there. it's better there.

so help me to have a fresh start! lead me in the paths of righteousness!

The problem with me is that i'm just too judgemental. i look at people and go tsk tsk how can you do this and how can you do that? but it's all a journey, shawn, we're all going through this. just because you seem to be alright in some areas doesnt' mean you can criticize others in these areas, because well, you aren't mr perfect yourself anyway.

i feel absolutely rotten in NS anyway. what's the point of making us work so hard and study so hard for 18 years to leave us rotting in NS and wasting our brains away. i mean, what's the point in that. i know there isn't any other practical solution, but then, well, just a thought. when i'm there i just feel so hard-up, needing to get away, needing to connect, adrenaline, yet having no physical outlet to exert it.
it's incredibly rotten.

I haven't been updating this page in a while, which is well, a natural progression to life.

anyway the weekend has been interesting. friday was spent playing pool at BTP. saturday was spent a little sick, resting at home, till the FA Cup finals at night; sunday was rather hectic and it was fun being at tania's house for a gathering--missed all those people! my past, the heyday of yesteryear-- all revisited. chatting away, met josh and bernard, lorraine and the others. interesting, interesting.

monday was spent playing tennis, which was not bad; managed to score some good points. went jamming but that wasn't very good at all coz there were just too many guitarists. i ended up hanging around. that was just, sigh. nvm. it's okay. still more a pianist, anyway. tried to write, didn't end up very well. got a few half-baked songs so far. hehs hehs. it was really fun later on at home coz all the aunties and uncles started singing their childhood chinese songs and i was laughing my butts off. i mean some of their songs are really so interestingly simple! they're so cute. laughable also. haw haw haw. and they came with actions. har harr...=D my auntie nad my mother were dancing away. i was there playing the guitar for them but laughing most of the time.

--

Jesus didn't just give me His talents, or material blessings, etc ... He gave me His life. now think about how big that sacrifice was: if i were to give my life to someone, it'll be so much more than just giving him my gifts, or my time, effort, money--it'll mean the end of me, the end of my entity, the end of everything else-- so it's only natural to be thankful and give everything I have to Him> and guess what, the keys are unlocked, the mind becomes clear, the past is revealed. music flows, songs come through easily, as though it's not me playing the piano but Someone else. to hear the bass notes of a chord. it's rather interesting. the dream-like states of existence. you're in the middle of it all, listening and wondering abt how everything came through. gotta find the swell.

if you give yourself to God (and this is for me to remember as well!) He'll give you far more than you can ever imagine, hope for, or even want (at this present stage). and this is what i really really really really really really really have to remember.

today's service was awesome, about how to be a great Christian-- to identify with Christ, to serve Him, to know His will and to know Him and to follow Him, to remain faithful. this vs the world's definition of greatness, which is how much you have, how much you own, how much you can do, all that stuff. so the main objective of our life is to be great for God. to identify with him and be an ambassador for Him to the world.

you know, it's difficult.


let me know you Lord
let me know you more intimately, and well, than i've ever known before
let me know your sovereign will, and follow it
let me feel what you feel, feel your heartbeat
let me obey what you're telling me
not on my own strength but yours
not for my glory but yours
(this is not a song btw)

it's difficult, but it's the only way. everything else leads to ruin and drivel.


worship is great. i hope it's the start of something good again. another good trend, please. it's the nitty-gritties of life that will truly be the true test of my mettle, whether i can stand firm against temptation or succumb in a moment of weakness; whether i make the right decisions each and every long arduous day; whether i manage to say the right things at the right times. it's difficult. but everyday i will trust.

It's been a nice ambling saturday, waking up at 2pm, going to church at 3.30pm, coming back for another snooze (Again), and basically relaxing. not needing to have alot of highs and joyful bliss and boom boom happiness, but simply enjoying a bit of melancholy, caressing the beauty of language, being nicely sensitive, content with myself.
going out is fun but being the introvert i am, just need my private space. well, not really.i enjoy meeting people. it's just that the hustle and bustle of a boys-going-out sessiont hat is rather tiring. heh.

i can't even begin to describe today's Quiet time experience. the day didn't start out well, with family issues and stuff, but later on i really immersed myself in prayer to the amazing Lord, and simply have faith, that the sovereign Lord of the heavens and the earth is more than capable to do much more than we could ever imagine of Him, beyond our wildest expectations. and i learnt to be still, calm my mind down, ask God to remove the distractions away, and be honest to Him. not say things that my mind thinks i should say, but say things that my soul really wants to say. and it made all the difference. as i continued to wait upon Him i could feel my body just cracking up, in a good way, in the same way that a massager will make your muscles crack up, but this was throughout the whole body; and moreover as i prayed that i would please God, which was one step greater than just knowing God (i started praying that I'll really know God, but later on the verse popped up in my mind "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6)), and it is to seek to please Him, because God is a God who rewards, is an ever-flowing Spring of joy and happiness. And well even though I didn't articulate it well, His JOY suddenly welled up in my heart, flowed through my heart. and later on i felt those physical sensations. it was totally amazing. i thank God that as I opened my eyes all the hurt and the pain was gone. all the muscular tensions were gone. i found there wasn't any distractions. my mind was at peace. my soul was at peace. thank God for His amazing gift and now i realise that's where the best place is. under His wings.
and His joy will be my strength! and His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. it's total dependence. learning to surrender! yay.

live by faith
walk by faith
come to Him in faith

must have more discipline, to do my quiet time before i go online. (as responding to the previous post) i need to get my walk back with God again, i remembered a period when i was totally focussed on God, my body and my soul, getting right with God first before i do anything. last time i remembered to set aside my time first for God and then everything else will be good, because the body is important as well; later on i began to drift into sleeping through my quiet time. which is really stupid, because well, we have to be effective. and then i sleep with the lights on.
sigh.

gotta be good.

more discipline, O God, more discipline, to grow everyday, to learn new things, to be filled with a constant appreciation of you, an awareness of Your presence, to constantly grow, and to constantly walk with You. This is where I belong, and where i find rest.
"I just want to be where you are, in your dwelling place forever
Take me to the place where you are, I just want to be with You
I want to be where You are, dwelling in Your presence
Feasting at your table, surrounded by Your glory
In your presence, that's where I always want to be
I just want to be, I just want to be with You"

we always think that the world is always much nicer and we're always searching for nicer things, but the Beatitudes that I've learnt today taught me, perhaps, that it's important just to be content. just to be with God, and in Him, Lord you are the source, the centre, need nothing else. to be honest, and to be changed and sanctified everyday, because we always struggle with sin. but dead fish don't struggle. it's the battle we still continue to fight, that by His strength we'll overcome.

to surrender all to God and let Him take control. let it drift away, let all the hurt go. be thankful about joy.

but more discipline is important because it'll enable me to study His word more attentively and understand more about God through His Word, because it's divine and useful for so many things, and it is God-breathed. and thus how will i know how to please God if i don't even know what makes God happy? so i must be more consistent about my QT. because it's a marathon, and every little bit counts.

Great songs have great sentiment. it's warm and heart-warming, emotional. sentiment's the word. not extreme emotion, but just a light heart-tugging sentiment. sentiment's the key. i'm trying to write my songs with good sentiment as well, the sentiment that will allow you to feel with others, treat others sensitively, apologise to your mum for being so bad the afternoon before, apologise to God for thinking the world revolves around me, learn to love and be loved again. it's good sentiment, this. that song had it. sometimes i just revisit it and i'm amazed to find out how much good sentiment that song had. no wonder it was popular. it's not lush. it's more bittersweet, charming. that kinda thing. i'm working on another one now which is just pretty good too i'd think. really really really have to work on it. need lyrics!

and words are the key also. words convey so much meaning in them, it's criminal to take them so lightly.

Had a pretty interesting theological conversation with my friend about things we dont' really agree about. but mebbe we do and it's just misinterpreted. haha. alot of things are like that. but there is God's love that you can't misunderstand.
i never really realised how much God loves me. but then i read hebrews chapter 9 and 10 about how we have been already justified by faith through Jesus's sacrifice. for me perhaps i always lived in the shadow of guilt for the sins and for the fact that i want to be sanctified but keep falling into sin--but yet that isn't what God is. He is love, and now that the blood of Jesus has cleansed me from sin, I am righteous before Him, justified by my faith in Christ Jesus. i always think sometimes that i am unworthy to talk to God, sometimes, but i know that I am fully worthy. i am dearly loved. i am his beloved, his creation, as the song goes. and through the Holy Spirit I am truly blessed and empowered to live.

I just had a great 4-day break, seriously. it's one of the best, for several reasons. i just wish everyday were just as good. thank you Lord.

maundy thursday service was simply brilliant, as mentioned in my previous post. words can't do it justice. i felt truly worshipping and felt my heart being softened. i think in army sometimes your heart gets very cold and rough by all the politiking that's around you and you forget the soft-side that you used to have. i just want that soft-side back. it's Christ Jesus's real physical suffering that expresses truly God's love, and how God watched His son die on the cross and felt the pain and all that that shows we really must mean something to Him, i thought. hmm.

on friday i played soccer early in the morning, for about 4 hours. it was really good exercise, for me tired legs and my tired body needed some exercise. scored a few goals, some were quite nice. rested and chatted with mich for a while on MSN. slept. had family dinner. went to wala's with quek and joel etc for E.I.C which was not bad. a bit smoky, but good fun and company. songs were not bad, though i'm getting quite sick of rock, actually. lol.

saturday was great in the sense that i played tennis early in e morning and chilled out later. the brilliant thing was that the piano was finally tuned! i can't express how grateful i am that it's tuned. eh. because a tuned piano sounds much much better. i can hear the nice blend of chords again. i can hear the tinkling of the keys and not feel so odd 'cuz of an off-note. was tinkling with my bossa nova song that's coming up. on the way, on the way. went to church for music practice. hmms. in the end i was getting tired and things started to go downhill. ah well. sunday and i went to church. rested. went to fort canning park to watch electrico et al perform. only good bands were electrico and eic seriously the rest i dunno what they're doing. lol. wish i could perform too!


hmms. oh wells.

been trying to write Christian music. it's really difficult though. you have to really worship God at the point in time you're writing the song. it's easy to just cough up some verses about God and stuff, but to write a cogent and concise song that tries to bring people before God takes divine inspiration, seriously. i'm still waiting for it, if He wants me to write for Him. oh well.

now to the serious stuff. i'm just saddened by how so many people just live for today. i mean, somehow so many in army just live for the army and their days off are just, well, for them to goof around and have fun. nothing's wrong with that, i was a recruit once, before the days of the comfy 8-to-5 routines. i know how it feels, to be stuck in camp with no place to call home, no freedom, to listen to orders, and all that. it's like your soul being sucked out of you and you have no control over where it's going. and how you have no control over your moods and all, because there is authority, and there is everything. of course it isn't the best time of your life. so everyone wants to have fun when they're out. what really leaves me pondering is, well, what's life all about? surely it isn't just for today right. i mean. if i weren't a Christian i might have been stuck there. i'm not trying to be preachy here. but perhaps everyone should be working towards something. i don't know what it is, but it's pretty saddening to be living for nothing.

it must be the media. about how they tell you you're young and that you should be having fun and all that. well well. it's as though time is going to sneak up on you and one day tell you 'you're too old, be resigned to the living room or the old-mama-senior-citizen's-club' or something. so you hear things like 'you only live once' (which is true) and like you're 18 so you should be like this like this like this. come on, have your own identity. for your own sake. in singapore everyone's the same anyway.

my thoughts are wandering.

i feel sometimes that i'm hidden from others through a veil and that others can't see who i am. it's sad it's sad. i just wish that sometimes i may step out from it and say what i honestly feel and think and maybe i'll be able to connect somehow with the millions of people out there , the beautiful souls that they are.

Maundy thursday service was so very good; it was like i could just sing at the top of my voice to the Lord, and worship Him whole-heartedly, and sincerely, as hebrews 10 exhorts us to do, to draw near to Him with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. to see his suffering on the cross and everything. and to just worship and worship. i have left the life of sin behind, now all i want is to follow Him.

i can't describe it. it's no use, nothing can describe a worship experience. i want to use my music gifts to serve Him. as e Spirit leads, to write music to allow people to see Him. if, well, the Spirit wants to use me. up to Him up to Him.

anywae i went to record some old song 'Happy' at Sam Chee's house today. pretty fun experience, playing e guitar, with his effects pedal. if any of u want e song, can ask from me. download from here thanks+) it was fun it was fun.

thanks everyone for being nice.

shawn

Blogging is paramount because it creates an outlet to the world. And ironically I am now using not even my own connection, but someone else’s router, to the net. At least I still have a voice here.
I know most of you out there reading this column would hardly want to revisit my life and see the things I’ve done and whatnot. Sometimes it’s just a matter of me trying to remind myself about the good things that have happened. So here are some good dates. 16th February, Wednesday, was phenomenal, because of the presence of great music, tunes, and the ability to hear harmonics on the piano while playing some tune, namely ‘Fields of Gold’ the Eva Cassidy way. And then so Saturday 12th March 2005 was also rather brilliant. It started off with a hearing-in-the-mind of ‘Autumn’, accompanied by much prayer to get the delicate rhythm right. It was at such a languid tempo, slower than 60 bpm, that the verse is somehow too draggy. I still haven’t found a way of solving this mismatch. Hmm. Camp was fine. What was fun was the going-out-shopping cum dinner with tim, Jeremy and ben later on, meeting quek and joel after that. It was the usual heightened interaction coupled by my renewed sense of confidence in myself. I was finally able to actually communicate with tim for a while without all of us having ego problems. It could be me, or him, but anyway it was good. The band at indochine was lacklustre although the car ride home was pretty fun. Quiet time, though, was really good. I committed my life to God and said that I’ll serve Him foremost, and learning to have faith and believe strongly that things will be better in the future and He can do anything. I was focusing on John Bevere’s book ‘Undercover’, and the closing chapter included the parable of the mustard seed, and the power that faith could bring to our lives, manifested in obedience. I mean I’ve been down with cynicism for a very long time, being in the army and whatnot, and kept believing that my life had seen already its glory days back then in JC and Secondary School and this is now a preclude to the horrors of working life, but I realized that it’s not so. The ironic thing about Christianity is that it runs totally contrary to the world’s logic. I mean, as I grow in the Lord, things will be much better, I’m sure. And having seek God first, He also provided me that very day with music, and suddenly the delicate lilt and contouring melody of ‘Autumn’ surfaced again, once in the rush of prayer and later on while thinking back to it. And amazingly enough when I wanted to see what key it was in, the last note (so) was exactly the first note I played, which was the Eb (hence the key in my mind was Ab major). I mean I shouldn’t value songs so much but ‘Autumn’ had a special place in my collection of songs. There will definitely be better songs, there already have been, but ‘Autumn’ was the first real song.

Note: I write to amuse myself.

Back to the serious business.

On happiness

I find myself reeling between moments of euphoria and long drawn-out periods of stagnation and depression. For me I am scared of allowing happiness to last, maybe because I want to crystallize that moment in time, and freeze it, and label it as ‘happy’, and then afterward revert back to sadness, so that the period of happiness becomes even more magnified. What I don’t realize, of course, is that I’ll have to experience that sadness at the same time, which is quite a hefty price to pay for those moments. Perhaps I’m too scared of allowing myself to be happy all the time until the day comes when nothing will make me happy anymore. One has to fluctuate, one always does, because the mind is incapable of going beyond a certain limit, and no one knows where that limit is. Only God can provide that lush and abundant ‘more than life’ itself, and that’s what I yearn sometimes. It’s the only thing that can break the cycle.

On Experiences.

The trend of youth nowadays is to seek after experiences as though they were shopping for clothes. Buy, and then continue to shop, never to cease. Thus we chase high after high, not quite knowing when these highs will end, always needing something better than the current state of high for us to believe that it was a good night out. It is understandable that everyone wants to seek after pleasure, being the selfish people we are. I wonder, though, if there is anything concrete and lasting that we can take to the future from such chasing after pleasure. I wonder if the more sober ideals of love and hope will be more relevant. It is wonderful to have the bliss of pleasure in romantic love, less so, though, to love someone unrequitedly for a long long time, or to love someone who is decidedly ugly and unattractive. Who will do those things nowadays? Where are the movies that celebrate unrequited love as something noble, and not something to be laughed at? Gone, gone, gone. Everything is about instant gratification. But somehow, the more instant it is, the less cherished it is. No one cherishes a quick fling at a club. It’s too easy, almost too convenient. but the relationship that concretizes itself in marriage reaches a newer, deeper level of commitment, trust, and love, because it is a result of sacrifice. The movie ‘Closer’ emphasized it brilliantly. Those characters loved, but it was a selfish love based on physical intimacy. Was it just lust? Was it love? I wouldn’t know, but I didn’t think it was love. As far as I know, love doesn’t behave that way. I’ve seen my friends ‘platonically’ love other friends for a long long time without them actually responding in return, or even putting them in their hearts. But they continued anyway. Did their affections switch out of anger once their decision was made known? I doubt it.

I am still trying to think. It is rather difficult, some say almost impossible, in the army. But still I must carry on, if I am to prevent these raging hormones getting the better of me. It’s the army, after all.

Service was quite good...I was just in tears when the pastor was preaching about hudson taylor and how the mum was praying for his conversion....and the quote that he said, which was 'there was nothing left to do, but to accept his love and salvation and praise Him evermore...' and i was like, yeah, praising God is a result of that gratitude of His love.


went jamming today with my own band, pretty pretty cool! played bass at the start, was good (mebbe coz of the teh tarik)... tried out the jet's 'are you gonna be my girl?' and eh i think that was about it that we tried...haha. dunno. was quite messed up lol...=) what else did we try? still it was nice jamming, getting e energy up...yay. its nice coz i can decide a bit like what who's going to play and all that.... which i really can't when i'm playing with others. dont' want to impose, see. sians. justin came along for e ride, thanks alot man.

mm i think i've got a nice collection of songs for e band to work on already.... the pseudo-punk of 'happy', with the chord prog taken subconsciously from metallica which crescendoes into a chorus, the new song, 'time will slip by' (ballad style), 'i cannot expect', which is more a rhythmic guitar flaming-lips style song with a descending chord prog, 'nobody cares'' pop-punk, 'runaway now' dance influenced, and 'for you', a love song.... gotta keep writing songs and jam and jam man, i really want to record some kinda EP or something. for gang's part 'limbo' is still full of promise and the dynamic duo of 'holiday' and 'invincible' makes for interesting jamming with energy.

jamming is fun! lol.

the tele is good also.



mm the week has been rather interesting, but quite good. monday and tuesday was quite in limbo. got a new officer in town, who's from acjc. sigh. kinda weird esp when we have so many common friends, but it's fine, i'll respect authority. wednesday and the music started coming back, esp with midicode. u'll know. spoke with interesting people. thursday was spent sleeping early coz i was really so shacked. friday was good coz i managed to write songs and really feel so emotional, seeing the trees and thinking how beautiful they looked, how melancholic, how sad, the future and the past, well i can't describe it now, but there was a kind of beauty in its weakness, as though they had life: the emotions were welling, i wrote a song. the melodies were pitched nicely in my head, nergaard's 'the waltz' and all of them. that one also. lite jazz style, but melancholic. it was nice it was nice. played tennis later on wasn't good, ahhh, it really sucked. oh well. give and take i guess. physical and musical dont' go well together: i kept trying for e down the lines. mmm. gotta work on that.

saturday was really cool, got the italk...watched sideways which was really hilarious. great company really, seriously, esp during and after e show, and at dinner at fish n co, dave, gang, ck, zhihon, daniel, lim aik, zonglun...great company u guys were, pls invite me more! haha. tho i'm not from ri i'll behave myself i promise. had some meeting at starbucks, went to dan's house. fun. mm. okay u guys are cool i'd admit that=) ac not so cool at all. haha.

sunday and i'm jamming! yeah!

It was supposed to last but I know some things wouldn't. Especially when you stray it's harder to come back. At least I believe, I believe. I have always believed and I will always believe. Some things wouldn't change, not when you've experienced it. It's just that the conditions change somewhat. i'm not sure if they were meant to change, but they just did.

oh heck the melancholia. it always ruins everything. always leaves everything dry and discarded and withered, as though you were just waiting to die, clinging on to your dear life, looking at the past and hope it doesn't slip away. that's the problem about looking back. it can only go downhill. surmising your life and wondering how you ever got to such a sad state from where you were must be so depressing. and since your frame of reference was the past, you'll never be able to match it anyway.
so you ask stupid questions like:

'why can't life be like last time?'

and you don't realise that, maybe if you stopped being so negative and started looking at what you could do in the future, of course things can be much better, if you'd only opened your eyes, and started looking at life. frustration and irreverance gets me nowhere, mister, you just have to work at the little bits and pieces and start over from there. and nothing is more disturbing than fear. fear has motivated so much, but promised so little. fear, like looking back, fear of losing everything.

i have just rediscovered 'belle and sebastian' again. i've been reading their blog. no wonder they actually write good music. i'd like to think it's a product of believing in God and also actually thinking about life. too many bands simply play, they hardly think or feel. but listening to 'fox in the snow' and 'get me away from here i'm dying', i got a small sense that they actually knew where they were coming from. it's timeless music that's designed to last.

today was oddly chummy. it was prancing down waterloo street with my camp prayer group singing phantom of the opera tracks. or singing 'dip it low'. or playing with the food or the water at the really nice restaurant that we went to, courtesy of shang's good recommendation. for your info, it's at the old mg along waterloo street, brilliant place, fantastic food. it was forgetting your cares and thinking:
if these are my friends, they'd accept who I am. i'm too tired to pretend any longer. i'm too tired to pretend I'm cool, I'm classy, I'm calculated, when I am really just a bundle of nerves and emotions.

I find pretending rather wasteful. especially to the mind.

God once asked Peter (in the Bible) "Do you love me more than these?". It's a really pertinent question to apply to my life as well. alot of times i inadvertantly lose sight of the PERMANENT and UNCHANGABLE fact that God is and always will be the centre of my life, and that creates alot of problems. because when things that aren't made to be God become God, then the whole system is skewed and messed up, because God didn't intend those things (they can be anything, i'm just saying) to be the centre. and when those things become the centre you can never enjoy them anymore, because they then become almost God-like and you are destroyed by the guilt that the Spirit puts inside of you that you are putting something above God. and so it's lose-lose. you don't put God first, which you should really do, and then you don't enjoy anything, because your life is just a sporadic clinging-on to something that is not meant to be clung on to, in that aspect, but is meant to just be enjoyed whenever it comes. and it will come.

so it's not so good. so help me God. please.


i will love you God more than any of these things. purify my heart so I may see you and your glorious will which is always perfect, better than anything else.

and i have to stop judging people. i realised that God made us all differently. even though we will in the end be like Christ, that's the moral aspect; we are still created differently, just as we have different names and different traits. and so i have to really empathise and understand everyone else and where they are coming from, instead of trying to force my agenda upon them, or trying to convert them, or change them to what i would like of them. i have rather to respect our differences and respect the fact that I am made differently. and to develop in all areas. to do my best. not to be tired and always so tired and stoned, like a dead person without any life in him. but i have to grow and to be human again. to revitalise myself. to ask God for nourishment and growth. and then will i run the race strong again. for i cannot save myself but He can.

so shall i remind myself.