Hello hello it's good to be back=)

as you all might have realised from your interaction with me, i have been really quite moody, unspontaneous, untalkative, the last few months, perhaps. and you were wondering what happened to shawn. perhaps that really wasn't me at all. i think camp and everything must have taken such a bad toll on my mood, man. it really sucks. but now i'm much better.

because you all knew that i have a happy disposition anyway. it's raelly there and you can't change it. i remembered at jiang i was like the chatterbox of the town just talking talking talking non-stop and like being the centre of attention and i really have to find that back. oh it's coming back, dont' worry. yeah. and not everyone is born with that gift of the gab just to be able to talk and talk and so i have to make use of it to the fullest extent to ensure it isn't wasted. i mean, not anybody can just go and say hie to people, or dance and jig your bum in public, and all that, it takes real guts and a cool i-dont-care-waht-you-think attitude that i used to have, but now it's all gone....sigh, i dunno why. it'll be really silly to keep quiet all the time. of course you can't force it, but you can't just allow yourself to be a martyr, just to accept what people say all the time without actaully showing others that you are there...

it's called interaction: you talk, i must talk too. i keep quiet, maybe it's not respecting your conversation, but mebbe it stops the flow. because interaction ish two-way. i realsied when i started articulating my views over some nice dessert did we (my friend and i) get the conversation really going. btw my pool was good too finally beat him by 7-4. which was quite a record, coz i normally lose. it's about the angle of the hand i think. it must like, bend in......

it must have been SCDF because over there i'm so quiet and like a mouse because man they're all so older and they all have different views and sometimes that spirals into your normal life, you get what i mean?

hmms.

because not everyone will want to be happy and be the life and who cares about music? alot of the time the reason why i'm just staring into space is because i am actually trying to listen to music in my mind or visualise some song or whatnot. and it becomes so silly because then i lose the company of firends to go engage in my own stupid private activity. it's like being at a party and not wanting to interact and instead i sit down 'relak one corner' to listen to my ipod. it's not even antisocial, it's stupid. it's not taking the most from the activity. if you really wanted to do that, you could do it on the way home or something. yah. so it's really too much music, too little life. that's why when conversation starts that's when music stops. it's like, okay, it wasn't blank in the background, on the way to the bus stop underneath the PIE overhead bridge after i left i could hear the faint straints of 'someday we'll know' in the background. but a very soft faint one, not an overpowering one. and when i'm chatting, there's no music at all. bollocks wif the music.

because there is such a dichotomy between music and words. the musical mind and the vocal mind is just so different. the musical mind and the emotional mind is concerned with feelings and sounds and harmonies. and that, my friends, is a very wonderful world to be in. it's the right-brained world. it's the world where i enjoy God's creation. however, being in that world doesn't really allow you to be very proactive. it stifles you because you are just there observing the beauty around you and perhaps trying to enter the world to create something or change a few particles (figuratively speaking) is more difficult. the vocal world, however, is a whole different matter. it is a mutually exclusive brain pattern from the musical one. like, when i'm speaking, i can hardly hear music at all. nor when i'm listening to music can i start thinking logically. it's the left-brain right-brain thing again.

the ironic thing about that description, however, is that i tend to write better songs after talking/engaging in such vocal activities. in fact i just wrote one. haw haw.

i really have to thank God for a good time tonight. i actually prayed that He'd bless the fellowship between me and my fellow brother and really it all worked out fine. i guess attending the prayer meeting at lunchtime really set the tone right; it gave me that peace and that edifying positive spirit to tide me through the rest of the day and that's something i really have to do more of. to give myself more to God. because His blessings are much more wonderful than you could have hoped for at all.... the great thing is that, He loves me so much that i really should not hold anything back from Him because, guess what, time and time again i'd say this, he knows me better than I'd ever know myself, and so of course He'll know what's best for me, and what will make me really happy, and grant me the REAL desires of my heart. note i say the real desires, coz there are fake desires that i think i really would want but then maybe i wouldn't really want it. like, okay, the high when you go clubbing, or something. you think u might want it but most likely you wouldn't, coz, well. you won't really like it. i don't.

so i shall put my trust in God because He is all-powerful and all-good-loving.


it's like, you really have to give some part of yourself if you want to be able to be touched by emotions and feelings. no one ever enjoyed being a bystander. if you don't actually sacrifice and give something to life, life can never bestow you with happiness, because you never let it touch you in the first place. the world is fair; you have to really follow God before you can find His favour i think; i mean, you really have to allow God to purify you instead of being stubborn in your own ways.... in the same way, you really have to give off some part of your life in order that you might blossom. okay i don't reall yknow how to phrase it but it's something to that extent. it might sound calculative, giving off something to get something back, but it's because you love the people that are around you, and really, that's so important.

and in the end, love is the greatest thing. because if you don't love the people around you, and love God, nothing you do is going to be of any use. you might as well do it yourself.

so that's the end of my social problems, i hope. i hope it's a long time before something else comes back.

it was a peaceful deepavali today, showing that days that are spent at home can actually be very nice, peaceful, and heartwarming, as the flashy-rocking outing days. it's like, the hols last time, where i just woke up late, sat around, played some guitar, watch tv, on the net, blog, all that.

so i was lisetning to silje nergaard's 'the waltz', which was really nice. if you want the mp3 u can ask me for it...it was really weird that song, because it's such a sad song, but ironically i played it at a wedding; we just changed the lyrics a bit. and i was jamming around with my tele until the jack came out writing a new song...

i was initially in a bad mood really because like everrything is so lonely and i was just yearning to go out and have some fun and just felt so isolated but later on i just prayed a prayer of honesty, and asking God to guide my way and be uplifting and edifying to others and later on it was just nice and peaceful; i just found a bit of that peace and comfort just being myself. and later on i went over to cold storage with dad to buy some groceries (alot of it for myself, tyvm) and that was nice too. i envision the day that i'll just be buying groceries with the kids and cooking dinner with a lovely wife.

then there'll be no more need for zouk and hard partying which is silly, really.


which brings me to say that guilt is not a christian emotion at all, is it? sometimes I think you ought to be spartan and have nothing in life but God, but then there are things that God put in this world for me as well, isn't it. hmms. like, love, peace, good food, good music, friends, i don't think God's against those things rite, so long as it isn't sinful and doesnt' detract us from him.?

Zouk was packed like sardines in a can yesterday; i went in yesterday at eleven, drank a bit, tried to dance, but it was really like, there was really only room to stand. n the queue was superhumoungously long . i really don't know how they managed to sneak to the front anywae.

so here i'm a little paranoid for friends. but then i prayed and the wonderful thing about prayer is that it really works i'm a little better now, thankfully. wrote some rocker song, and now am sedately listening to sijle nergaard's 'the waltz', of which i played at some wedding. it's very comforting, ten times better than a vodka can ever be.

Sleeping early is so extremely important. today was the first time i had more than 7 hours of sleep (before going to camp). and my my such was the difference.

i was finally, happy. i could finally see properly. i could finally admire the trees. i finally liked talking to people.

and the dreams were weird. i had these 3 dreams all in one. the first one was really painful: i dreamt that i had my teeth stuck in diagonally (instead of straight in) and that it was hanging from my gum. --> note: go brush your teeth, perhaps!

the next one is vaguely sexual in a bad way. (it's just weird k so yah, censoreed)

and the last one was me dreaming abt some girl and it was funny coz i went to some estate to look for her and i walked and she was cutting into my lane and all that and later on i dunno what happened. but it was quite sweet, if i remembered.

there u go, benefits of sleeping early.

good dreams.


(sometimes i think i'm a basketcase. maybe i really am)