Sunday, February 15, 2004

Another v-day wasted. I sit around thinking of the good times that couples could have and wonder why I am excluded from a deeper level of relationships than just pure platonicity. I'm sure I'll have the answers somehow, however far away they might be. I guess it's nice to be single and all that, just living my life hoping for the best and trusting in Him?

I'm really tired right now, had 2 uni interviews in a row, which really drains all the energy, even more so because you're practically talking much of the time being lively and all that. but seriously people from US unis that come back often return with a more cosmopolitian view of life--the jobs that they do are often regional, like working for advertising firms or as economic consultants, they talk about the stifling environment of the Singapore system, they laugh and talk and joke, and all of that's cool. it's just different, really, and if i manage to get into a US uni and get a scholarship I'll probably understand why there's so much difference between them and us.
or is it just an imagined one?
my interviewer from dartmouth was really cool, she's an NUS lecturer, yet in the interview we ended speaking of Singapore, which was quite amazing. about how stifling this whole thing is, should women do NS? what's bad abt americans? politics. the army and regimentation, and even race--our conclusion was that Singapore's actions of encouraging racial cohesion by celebrating different cultures and diversity through the singing of racial songs etc, might even be self-defeating, because people never realise how different they are in terms of races until you start educating them about the fact that I am of a different race from my malay friends. why can't we all just be, individuals? when i was young and playing soccer with malays and all that i never really had a clue that they weren't of the same race and thus excluded them, but it seems like when we grow older and teachers start telling you that you should unite and all that, that's when you start thinking about the differences and recognise that somehow i am chinese and you are malay and never the two shall mix. but when we were young and innocent we don't think about such things. it's only adults that seem to have this racial mentality fostered from their parents telling them how, for example, calculative indians are, or how laid-back malays are.

that's interviewing. not a set of questions that should be answered off the platter, but a free-for-all anything-goes philosophy. it's just like american education, says one interviewer, you can choose any courses you like, there are no fixed parameters, which is great; it means you can do anything you want with your life (but ultimately the responsibility falls solely on your shoulders).

this is depressing when you remember i have to go back to camp later on, and be bored stiff with marching exactly the same way, wearing the same clothes (except the underwear, of course), having the beds put the same way, and marching nicely, just to give an impression of order and discipline. true discipline isn't marching the same way etc, it's about an inner control of one's life in a situation of freedom. true self-discipline can only exist when the individual is free to do what he wants, only then can he have the opportunity to control himself. if he were in a system which controls him, he is never free to exercise that self-discipline. it wouldn't be self-discipline anymore (which stems from within), but an external discipline. so what happens when we all get out of NS--will we still manage to perpetuate the discipline we learnt from NS into our normal civillian life, or does that discipline die out from the moment we walk out of camp and we then revert back to our slothful ways? i find it amazing that, at home, i'm a total lazy slouch, my pants are thrown this way and that, because my reasoning is, since i have to be so neat etc at camp, i might as well be lazy and messy now, because i wouldn't have the opportunity to be lazy and messy in camp, am i right.
sheesh, people are different, why pretend they're not?

i was in a really tired dreamy state just now, and when i woke up i had memories of really weirdish dreams. one was a situation almost like dungeos and dragons where there were little monsters running around, which was kinda mad. the other one was quite funny--it was almost apocalyptic. a sudden cold winter wind swept all around Singapore, which meant that JC students that were about to go to school just suddenly froze there in ice. so i was part of a rescue team that went all around singapore pushing people (literally) into the school and operating the heaters so that they would defrost again. i remembered being at VJC and stuffing people into this hall. but ironically i didn't go to HCJC. i was like, crap that's too far away. what a weird dream. i even remembered the overhead bridge that i used, to go to darren's house--sigh. i must be going crazy.

i want to get to know her, but it's impossibly difficult. sigh.
1. to be too enthusiastic would frighten her off and make me sound like some form of a despo.
2. to be too laid back would mean totally losing out on the opportunity of getting to know her.

if you think you are the one, haha, y don't you message me or something. sheesh. or leave a note. but i dont' think she even noes. haha. sheesh.

but today's message was really good, and today's worship also, although the drummer was a bit fast. but no matter, it's the God-communication that's important, right, rather than the earthly atmosphere which only helps to faciliate it. but ultimately worship is about communicating in Spirit, and i think that's so important. what was nice was the responsive scripture reading, which was John 15:1-17. it is so apt and so relevant, especially now, because i was just thinking of how my destiny is to worship and love God--we were created for that purpose. this purpose is not apart from who i am--worship isn't something that takes the nature of a secondary action, away from the life I live, but, rather, is my source and my goal. it is who i am, my innermost being, which loves and worships God. it is not a sideline job, it is the fundemental root of my life. and the sooner i realise this, the sooner more things would be resolved. i do not care about the useless things of life now, writing songs, eating good food, etc, but i just want to grow spiritually and communicate with Him and serve.

the image that springs to mind is of a branch of God's vine bearing fruit, having leaves. away from God, on my own, i can do nothing, i can't bear fruit, but am left to decay and die, barren and withered. there is no water, no life through my veins. i have no identity--there is no fruit that has a distinctive taste, nor do the leaves have colour: i am simply just like any other dying tree. but when I am in Christ, i have the power that comes from God (through the 'veins' of the trees, so to speak). I am somebody, I have an identity. this is so important because i sometimes feel that, to love Christ etc is to forget myself. that, to an extent, is true, but the trick is that we're not forgetting ourselves, but really we're forgetting the earthly, fleshy desires which was disguised as human nature, but now we have fulfilled our original purpose to love and worship God. we have become who we we really meant to be. we have regained our original identity. sin made us a certain way, which we thought was who we really are, but then that was only the identity of sin; who we really are is inadvertantly tied back to our relationship with God. With Him there is an identity, there is that confidence to be who I really am, again, instead of being scared about the need to find acceptance. With Him there is a new-found joy and love and the removal of the fixation with things that I thought mattered, but now I chase things that are more important.

that is why i do not find a pressing need to find girlfriends just for the sake of it. that's why sometimes I don't find the need to try out every new experience and high. because the best experience is already that of God's love for me and i have already savoured it. nothing else can compare. i can try to explain this to people who advice me to go out and seek the world, etc, but really how can they understand?

God is love.