Maybe I need to learn. to be a bit more confident of myself in life. but it's hard. it's the old demons. it's not being strong mentally or physically. it's the psychological nuances that keeps us in ruin. slowly we wait for a reprieve, but it never comes. the good moments of waiting and talking with people but it still remains the same.
maybe people can be abit more accepting. to realise that we all have faults, bad days; to realise everyone's different and i try to accept that so why can't people accept me? issit because i'm further away from the ideal as you? and maybe sometimes i secretly want people to be accepting so i'm testing them by being my silly me; it works osmetimes. people get more accepting. however there is a flipside in that some people get peeved why am i like that and all that. it's natural that people will judge you and want to do the more selfish thing to hang out with the fun crowd. or make labels for you.
sigh. you know what. if you think you're good, think again.are we really that good?
on a side note, i had a nice time conversing with my dad the other day; i kinda realised that he's really just a loving father who tries the best for me; coz he loves me and wants to be happy; but sometimes love is painful. i've got to learn to love him, to forgive his faults, to learn to love him because he's my dad (who loves me.) sometimes you misconstrue things. you think things should be this way but you realise that people are not perfect as well, just as you give yourself leeways for not being perfect.
but maybe i try to be perfect too much; and then get super frustrated and disappointed when i don't match up. it's a failing, seriously, it really is; it's the feelings of guilt that rages through me that i really hate when i confess my sins or somethning; it's the frustration of not being able to do the right thing and withstand it; or maybe a silent anger at God for not working fast enough to change me. either way; i shouldn't be. i should be more trusting in God that unlike me who's selfish God isn't and he's caring.
perhaps shawn = must learn to trust in others again and trust in himself; trust that otheres care about the things that one does because it affects them, just as what they do afffect me; knowing that they actually care about their own lives and when one does something good for themt hey feel happy about it.
it's just that little things that we fail to realise; the little happy memories of life that is good. and life thanks to God that is good. life can be so much more sucky but thank God it is good. it is good it its own special way, and it surprises you; i'm glad it surprises you. because if it doesn't surprise you then it might be a bit sad. i sometimes rebel against that surprising because i think wtf life is trying to play a trick on me or what but no.
you know what, it's not about the gifts, or the things. it's about the company. perhaps sometimes that's so true.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Just some thoughts.
The Lord Jesus Christ, in His first coming as the Son of God, which He truly is, did not come as a King. Surely He is King. God who rules over Heaven and Earth is His own personal Father. He is God's precious only Son. He was in Heaven, in the position of authority, with His Father, enjoying all comforts and pleasures and joys. The Father loves Him, and Jesus loves the Father. They are One. "I and the Father are One." He was the Prince. God is the Father, He is King, Jesus the Son is Prince of Peace. Lord of Lords. All glory be given to Him. And was given. But yet He did not come as King. Everything was borrowed. Borrowed. Where was he born? In a stable. He is God, he could have owned a big house, yet He came in a stable, in the most humble of ways. He rode to Jerusalem in a borrowed donkey. He was crucified on a borrowed cross, and laid to rest in a borrowed tomb before His resurrection. Our Lord Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve. "Because the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many." Because it was Jesus Christ's own love for us, His sheep, which prompted Him to sacrifice His own life for us, because it was the only way we could be with Him. He served us. He was our 'servant', in that sense, He served us because He loved us, and His love is so great; all we did was accept that gift which He bestowed upon us in love. Jesus said "Greater love has no man than this, that He laid down His life for his friends." It is His love that is knocking on the door, and that love that compels us to worship Him, to accept Him as Saviour, to choose Him over all things. It is that love that in the end tells us, no matter what people do, no one loves me as much as Jesus Christ the Son of God. Even though He is King, he chose to vacate all Kingly rights to be the 'smallest' servant one could find. The least of the least. Not because so that He would be glorified, that was not just a manipulative aim to get glory. No. It was because His heart was yearning for us, yearning for us, yearning for us that we would be with Him and because He loved us and that's why He sacrificed himself for us out of love. Because He knew that is the only way.
His heart is calling out to people. He says that there are still so many sheep left, and I must bring them back; then there would be one flock. His heart is yearning for those people out there; because He loves them too. Because the sacrifice He did long time ago was also for them. He also loves them and His heart yearns for them. He said "when I am lifted from the ground, I will draw all men unto myself".
As Jesus continues to draw all men unto Himself, let us be like Him. Let us love our fellow men as Jesus continues to love us, as His love is everlasting. As His heart continues to yearn for us and continues to keep us rooted in Him and continues to look for the lost sheep that has gone astray due to his own foolishness and finds Him and rejoices that He has found him, let us learn to serve, not because we want to get 'rewards in heaven', but because we ourselves are gradually becoming more loving, transformed into the image of Jesus Christ our Lord himself, that we are little "jesuses" walking around that out of the goodness of our heart, renewed by the Holy Spirit to be more loving each day. And because people need us. Because people need that love that they can't find; because this world is evil. There is no love other than Our Lord Jesus Himself, and we are witnesses to His love. We are His witnesses. We are the witnesses to the wonderful things that He is doing in our lives. People who are hurting, who feel a sense of loss inside, who need the empowering love to wipe away their tears, who have nothing at all, no where to turn to, no body to follow; the devil is always around them eating them up, telling them they're no good, ....... but there is a hope! But there is a way! Jesus is the way! He is always there, but they can't turn, because they don't know there is that way, because they don't know that the Messiah has already come and is now, even now, going to set them free from their sins. They don't know. The rulers of this age, the evil, blinds them, but then they can be set free; when we love, we show them something good, we show them someting that they want in their lives, something new, something new, a new colour, a new touch, a new fragrance, that opens their eyes and sets them free; they see it, they cling on to it, and we lead them to Jesus Christ Himself. We are the witnesses to His love and His perfect work: we ourselves are not the light, we come only to lead people to that light. Like John the Baptist we come to lead people to that light that life which is Christ Jesus Himself. And Jesus Himself like what He has done to us will Himself wipe away their tears. Because Jesus knows they need Him. Without Him they can do nothing. And Jesus will keep them and make sure the devil cannot touch them anymore. He says "My sheep know me, and I know them. I give them life, and they shall never perish, no one can snatch them from My hand. My Father, who is greater than me, has given them to me, and no one can snatch them from My Father's hand." Because He loves them, and 'love always protects, it always hopes, it always perseveres.' Because we are His friends, for He said "Greater love has no one than this, that he laid down his life for his friends." We are no longer His servants, as though we needed to do alot of things to make Him happy, as servants need to. No. We are His friends, because He loves us intrinsically, He loves us for who He is, for who we are, not for what we can do to enlarge His kingdom or glory.
Jesus Christ Son of God is love.
And that's all we ever need in life.
Whenever we are down, look to the Son.
The Lord Jesus Christ, in His first coming as the Son of God, which He truly is, did not come as a King. Surely He is King. God who rules over Heaven and Earth is His own personal Father. He is God's precious only Son. He was in Heaven, in the position of authority, with His Father, enjoying all comforts and pleasures and joys. The Father loves Him, and Jesus loves the Father. They are One. "I and the Father are One." He was the Prince. God is the Father, He is King, Jesus the Son is Prince of Peace. Lord of Lords. All glory be given to Him. And was given. But yet He did not come as King. Everything was borrowed. Borrowed. Where was he born? In a stable. He is God, he could have owned a big house, yet He came in a stable, in the most humble of ways. He rode to Jerusalem in a borrowed donkey. He was crucified on a borrowed cross, and laid to rest in a borrowed tomb before His resurrection. Our Lord Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve. "Because the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many." Because it was Jesus Christ's own love for us, His sheep, which prompted Him to sacrifice His own life for us, because it was the only way we could be with Him. He served us. He was our 'servant', in that sense, He served us because He loved us, and His love is so great; all we did was accept that gift which He bestowed upon us in love. Jesus said "Greater love has no man than this, that He laid down His life for his friends." It is His love that is knocking on the door, and that love that compels us to worship Him, to accept Him as Saviour, to choose Him over all things. It is that love that in the end tells us, no matter what people do, no one loves me as much as Jesus Christ the Son of God. Even though He is King, he chose to vacate all Kingly rights to be the 'smallest' servant one could find. The least of the least. Not because so that He would be glorified, that was not just a manipulative aim to get glory. No. It was because His heart was yearning for us, yearning for us, yearning for us that we would be with Him and because He loved us and that's why He sacrificed himself for us out of love. Because He knew that is the only way.
His heart is calling out to people. He says that there are still so many sheep left, and I must bring them back; then there would be one flock. His heart is yearning for those people out there; because He loves them too. Because the sacrifice He did long time ago was also for them. He also loves them and His heart yearns for them. He said "when I am lifted from the ground, I will draw all men unto myself".
As Jesus continues to draw all men unto Himself, let us be like Him. Let us love our fellow men as Jesus continues to love us, as His love is everlasting. As His heart continues to yearn for us and continues to keep us rooted in Him and continues to look for the lost sheep that has gone astray due to his own foolishness and finds Him and rejoices that He has found him, let us learn to serve, not because we want to get 'rewards in heaven', but because we ourselves are gradually becoming more loving, transformed into the image of Jesus Christ our Lord himself, that we are little "jesuses" walking around that out of the goodness of our heart, renewed by the Holy Spirit to be more loving each day. And because people need us. Because people need that love that they can't find; because this world is evil. There is no love other than Our Lord Jesus Himself, and we are witnesses to His love. We are His witnesses. We are the witnesses to the wonderful things that He is doing in our lives. People who are hurting, who feel a sense of loss inside, who need the empowering love to wipe away their tears, who have nothing at all, no where to turn to, no body to follow; the devil is always around them eating them up, telling them they're no good, ....... but there is a hope! But there is a way! Jesus is the way! He is always there, but they can't turn, because they don't know there is that way, because they don't know that the Messiah has already come and is now, even now, going to set them free from their sins. They don't know. The rulers of this age, the evil, blinds them, but then they can be set free; when we love, we show them something good, we show them someting that they want in their lives, something new, something new, a new colour, a new touch, a new fragrance, that opens their eyes and sets them free; they see it, they cling on to it, and we lead them to Jesus Christ Himself. We are the witnesses to His love and His perfect work: we ourselves are not the light, we come only to lead people to that light. Like John the Baptist we come to lead people to that light that life which is Christ Jesus Himself. And Jesus Himself like what He has done to us will Himself wipe away their tears. Because Jesus knows they need Him. Without Him they can do nothing. And Jesus will keep them and make sure the devil cannot touch them anymore. He says "My sheep know me, and I know them. I give them life, and they shall never perish, no one can snatch them from My hand. My Father, who is greater than me, has given them to me, and no one can snatch them from My Father's hand." Because He loves them, and 'love always protects, it always hopes, it always perseveres.' Because we are His friends, for He said "Greater love has no one than this, that he laid down his life for his friends." We are no longer His servants, as though we needed to do alot of things to make Him happy, as servants need to. No. We are His friends, because He loves us intrinsically, He loves us for who He is, for who we are, not for what we can do to enlarge His kingdom or glory.
Jesus Christ Son of God is love.
And that's all we ever need in life.
Whenever we are down, look to the Son.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
One thing I learnt is how the Lord Jesus loves me intrinsically: not for what I can do, or for the gifts that I have, not for what I can contribute to people: he loves me for me, for who I am, in spite of my weakness, my imperfections, my wrongs.
"while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
meditate on this verse. i'm a sinner. we all are. all of us have nasty sins. but Christ Jesus who chose me to be his friend is willing to say i love you enough not to let this get in the way of our relationship between us. i love you enough to be willing to die for you to get rid of this sin that is blocking the relationship between us. i love you enough to choose you to be mine so that my sacrifice will be yours. and when he says that he loves us it's in spite of our weakness, our faults, our rebellion against God (which is the same as sin). when he forgave that murderer on that cross it was out of a genuine love for that person which is willing to cover up the wrong and forgive; and he forgives.
it seems sometimes like wishy-washy hallmark cards but i know that my God is a friend to the lonely, like me, and he loves me intrinsically.
"while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
meditate on this verse. i'm a sinner. we all are. all of us have nasty sins. but Christ Jesus who chose me to be his friend is willing to say i love you enough not to let this get in the way of our relationship between us. i love you enough to be willing to die for you to get rid of this sin that is blocking the relationship between us. i love you enough to choose you to be mine so that my sacrifice will be yours. and when he says that he loves us it's in spite of our weakness, our faults, our rebellion against God (which is the same as sin). when he forgave that murderer on that cross it was out of a genuine love for that person which is willing to cover up the wrong and forgive; and he forgives.
it seems sometimes like wishy-washy hallmark cards but i know that my God is a friend to the lonely, like me, and he loves me intrinsically.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
so many problems, so many possibilities.
God must give me the strength to want to do well, to want to live life, to want to be happy, to want to be strong, to want to enjoy success knowing that He'll be happy. God must want me to destroy my madness and start afresh.
if i could die and be born again, i gladly will.
life is too long to live well.
love never fails as perseverence withers
but nothing else truly matters.
God must give me the strength to want to do well, to want to live life, to want to be happy, to want to be strong, to want to enjoy success knowing that He'll be happy. God must want me to destroy my madness and start afresh.
if i could die and be born again, i gladly will.
life is too long to live well.
love never fails as perseverence withers
but nothing else truly matters.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I have learnt one thing today, but i think it's one of the most important lessons learnt. Never fear the devil. The devil only has power over what you give him, don't fear him and everything will be fine. I think for a long time the fear of the devil has been following me around ever since my spiritual attack long time ago. And this evening in the shower I said I'm not going to fear him anymore, I'm not going to fear the devil anymore. I'm going to court my salvation and know that I am saved and the devil is not going to snatch me from my Lord Jesus' hand. And immediately a part of my brain suddenly changed, like the neurons suddenly seemed to snap into place. And it was wonderful seriously. I'm not going to fear the evil one.
I was playing the piano just now and seriously it was like being free again, now I know what is a 'power, love, and sound mind'. I heard the wonderful melody of 'Autumn' on the piano as I played it again and sang my heart, with power and love and sound mind and with a beauty that I have never experienced in a long, long time, just like the old days, as the fear of the devil just vanished into thin air. Why should I fear him anymore who has no power? After that I was playing other songs and it's like my fingers could just move as fast as they used
to, and it was like everything was back to normal.
I love being free again, thank you God, my faithful friend.
I was playing the piano just now and seriously it was like being free again, now I know what is a 'power, love, and sound mind'. I heard the wonderful melody of 'Autumn' on the piano as I played it again and sang my heart, with power and love and sound mind and with a beauty that I have never experienced in a long, long time, just like the old days, as the fear of the devil just vanished into thin air. Why should I fear him anymore who has no power? After that I was playing other songs and it's like my fingers could just move as fast as they used
to, and it was like everything was back to normal.
I love being free again, thank you God, my faithful friend.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Whenever I have problems and turn to the Lord Jesus my friend, His only response is a simple 'I am faithful, Shawn', and I'm sometimes wondering, look, why can't you say more than that? Perhaps there is nothing more to say. The 'I am faithful, Shawn' just encompasses everything that is wrong about me, my seeking of assurances, my looking for answers, my living in moods and in emotions and feelings, but then when I am down and when I feel that I have just lost God, He keeps saying 'I still love you, Shawn'. And that is enough to keep me going. Oh poor me for the lack of faith.
I had a good talk to Jesus about my life, about my problems and my failings. I was complaining to Him. As you all know, there have been lots of trials and sufferings in my life, and I was like, why God? why me? didn't i do what you requested? spread the word? try to be a light? it's unfair. And He pointed me to Job. Did Job commit any wrong? No he didn't. Did he do anything to deserve what he got? no, he didn't. And then I was opened a picture of new blessings, of new wonderful things that were coming my way, just as Job did.
And then I needed to break the stronghold of the devil that says that good things come from the evil one and not from the Lord Jesus. The Lord helped me to do that. But now perhaps I have full assurance that good things come from the Lord Jesus Christ and not the devil. I recall a long November ago when I prayed to the Lord Jesus my friend for a song (and I promised to Him i won't make it an idol, or let it destroy my first love for Him), and immediately, that very same night He divinely led me to write/gave me this song called 'Still madly in love', which seemed to be a love song between lovers. I was so thankful, but then doubts kept coming, oh maybe it wasn;t written by God maybe it was just by chance or by the devil. But then again Jesus's faithfulness kept coming back. At VCF three weeks ago, God told me that all these songs come from Him, but I should not make them vain idols, and in that prayerful mood I managed to hear that song 'still madly in love' again, with beauty and clarity. And in service I asked Jesus to help me not to punish myself again, and then the song came out again nice and wonderful, with power. Just last Friday i was thinking about it, and talking to the Lord Jesus again, when that song 'still madly in love' reappeared in my head again with love and kindness, and after that, immediately, Jesus whispered 'I still love you, Shawn'...and then today I was thinking, why the title 'still madly in love'? and not something else? could it be that Jesus was talking about His own love for me, and that how He still loves me, despite everything that I have done? About how I have failed and turned so far from Him, but, like the loving shepherd who goes after his one lost sheep, He brings me back with love knowing that I've strayed? I have doubted Him, been angry with Him, and all that He could say was that, 'I am faithful, Shawn', or that 'I still love you, Shawn', or that, in the song, that He was 'still madly in love' with me, isn't that such wonderful grace and love?
Just today I was praying again and then He said 'I will fight the devil for you, you just go and enjoy the songs ('still madly in love')', and so I did, and it was absolutely divine and wonderful, and then a voice came back again, 'I still love you, Shawn', still madly in love, with you.
I had a good talk to Jesus about my life, about my problems and my failings. I was complaining to Him. As you all know, there have been lots of trials and sufferings in my life, and I was like, why God? why me? didn't i do what you requested? spread the word? try to be a light? it's unfair. And He pointed me to Job. Did Job commit any wrong? No he didn't. Did he do anything to deserve what he got? no, he didn't. And then I was opened a picture of new blessings, of new wonderful things that were coming my way, just as Job did.
And then I needed to break the stronghold of the devil that says that good things come from the evil one and not from the Lord Jesus. The Lord helped me to do that. But now perhaps I have full assurance that good things come from the Lord Jesus Christ and not the devil. I recall a long November ago when I prayed to the Lord Jesus my friend for a song (and I promised to Him i won't make it an idol, or let it destroy my first love for Him), and immediately, that very same night He divinely led me to write/gave me this song called 'Still madly in love', which seemed to be a love song between lovers. I was so thankful, but then doubts kept coming, oh maybe it wasn;t written by God maybe it was just by chance or by the devil. But then again Jesus's faithfulness kept coming back. At VCF three weeks ago, God told me that all these songs come from Him, but I should not make them vain idols, and in that prayerful mood I managed to hear that song 'still madly in love' again, with beauty and clarity. And in service I asked Jesus to help me not to punish myself again, and then the song came out again nice and wonderful, with power. Just last Friday i was thinking about it, and talking to the Lord Jesus again, when that song 'still madly in love' reappeared in my head again with love and kindness, and after that, immediately, Jesus whispered 'I still love you, Shawn'...and then today I was thinking, why the title 'still madly in love'? and not something else? could it be that Jesus was talking about His own love for me, and that how He still loves me, despite everything that I have done? About how I have failed and turned so far from Him, but, like the loving shepherd who goes after his one lost sheep, He brings me back with love knowing that I've strayed? I have doubted Him, been angry with Him, and all that He could say was that, 'I am faithful, Shawn', or that 'I still love you, Shawn', or that, in the song, that He was 'still madly in love' with me, isn't that such wonderful grace and love?
Just today I was praying again and then He said 'I will fight the devil for you, you just go and enjoy the songs ('still madly in love')', and so I did, and it was absolutely divine and wonderful, and then a voice came back again, 'I still love you, Shawn', still madly in love, with you.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I am happy.
I realised what God had wanted to tell me all along. He has blessed me. Now is the time to enjoy the blessings.
And you know what the secret is? The secret is this: To be content.
Contentment is our greatest strength. It is a place of peace, of rest, of goodness, of kindness, of thanksgiving. Knowing that Jesus my Lord despite my stupidity and inspite of my messiness in His grace and faithfulness still decides to bless his friend who in his stupidity was so discontent.
i counted my blessings.
'still madly in love' (which comes from the Lord Jesus--> but this is another story of divine intervention man, wow wow)
'autumn' (still nice really)
the wonderful 21st birthday party
all my times of fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ
all my friends who love me and care for me.
my loving family.
what else do i need but to be content?
be content, praise God.
I realised what God had wanted to tell me all along. He has blessed me. Now is the time to enjoy the blessings.
And you know what the secret is? The secret is this: To be content.
Contentment is our greatest strength. It is a place of peace, of rest, of goodness, of kindness, of thanksgiving. Knowing that Jesus my Lord despite my stupidity and inspite of my messiness in His grace and faithfulness still decides to bless his friend who in his stupidity was so discontent.
i counted my blessings.
'still madly in love' (which comes from the Lord Jesus--> but this is another story of divine intervention man, wow wow)
'autumn' (still nice really)
the wonderful 21st birthday party
all my times of fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ
all my friends who love me and care for me.
my loving family.
what else do i need but to be content?
be content, praise God.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The devil is a destroyer. 'he comes only to seek and destroy.' so if i destroy my life just because i hate the devil, and then am afraid that the devil has his hand on my life and afraid that the moments when i'm the happiest was because the devil is at hand (of course, it's a lie) and hence destroy myself because i don't want to enjoy myself for fear of associating with the evil one, i'm actually cleaving nearer and nearer the devil, submitting ot him (the devil) and actually building up the kingdom of the evil one, for it is a kingdom that destroys.
so can i stop destroying and punishing myself now? instead of making the devil happy, let me make God the Father, God the Lord Jesus and God the Holy Spirit happy by creating and living and being positive.
'do not quench the Spirit by fear'. the Spirit gives life. Jesus Christ is creator and Lord, He makes all things beautiful in His time.
so can i stop destroying and punishing myself now? instead of making the devil happy, let me make God the Father, God the Lord Jesus and God the Holy Spirit happy by creating and living and being positive.
'do not quench the Spirit by fear'. the Spirit gives life. Jesus Christ is creator and Lord, He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Monday, August 28, 2006
I like being sick.
I'm sadist.
I think, being sick gives you an aim, to be well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on the one big pressing thing looming on my mind -- to be physically well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on whether, or when, my sore throat would heal.
I have to learn to stop crucifying myself.
I used to do all that rubbish...I'd crucify myself again because I loved living in the past, and so if the present is lousy, all you cling on to is the past, and the past was good, so perhaps I'd think the present and the future would never be as good, so to amplify how nice the past was, I'd crucify myself again, and then, self fulfilling, the present would never be as good, so won't I want to live in the past?
God helps, but these old cycles keep coming back. These mental intellectual failures. These things which have no logical sense, are or not supported by any theological backings or Biblical truths, but are just product of old habit, old habit that forms and dies up but sways and sashays ever so unwantedly in your mind again just as you were on the brink of recovery, and of the hope that everything wonderful will come back again, and a lot of peace may evolve. But however no one understands how messed up our minds are, or how hard we try to find that little peace inside. Or the immense torment of trying to rid ourselves of wrong perspectives and lies which you have slowly entertained, which are lies. The more you grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers, and one day you suddenly find out that life isn't the way you want it. The hope and joy is gone. Where is the love that you once knew? All riddled in lies and wrong perspectives.
I'm embarassed at myself, fighting with my inner demons, fighting with my enemies, fighting with these thoughts in my head. Fighting and fighting. Sigh, maybe I want to relax, maybe I want repose, maybe I want to run back to the arms of my God and cling for help and ask Him to take it all away because I'm done fighting, I'm too tired.
Sometimes life comes and life goes. But the constancy of life is something I have to hold on to. If everything were so ephemeral and superfluous and truth is so subjective life would be a madness, but then there are everlasting truths, such as what God says in the Word, but then again the mind is rebelling, the mind questions, the mind wants to take an alternate stand. And then I am stuck in chains again.
I have to break out. Break out.
God help me. I love myself. I love my God and my Jesus. I don't want Him to be sad by living in the lies when the truth will set me free. That everything good comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil. To resist the lies of the devil and realise how wonderful my life will be because nothing can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. That my Jesus, whom I know, who is faithful, whom I used to have a relationship with (and still have, not by my own efforts), still loves me, despite my running aways. That He blessed my life with blessings which I should be so grateful for, but then I'm like the prodigal son, running away running away when already the greatest treasure is here.
The greatest treasure is before me. The treasure of heaven, the treasure of knowing God himself, and the wonderful peace, comfort, love, justice, mercy, that flows from His throne. So why am I still running away? Can I not test God anymore?
Law really sucks, im sitting down here blogging like a madman during my SLS. If you're a lecturer, i'm sorry, but this is democracy.
I'm sadist.
I think, being sick gives you an aim, to be well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on the one big pressing thing looming on my mind -- to be physically well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on whether, or when, my sore throat would heal.
I have to learn to stop crucifying myself.
I used to do all that rubbish...I'd crucify myself again because I loved living in the past, and so if the present is lousy, all you cling on to is the past, and the past was good, so perhaps I'd think the present and the future would never be as good, so to amplify how nice the past was, I'd crucify myself again, and then, self fulfilling, the present would never be as good, so won't I want to live in the past?
God helps, but these old cycles keep coming back. These mental intellectual failures. These things which have no logical sense, are or not supported by any theological backings or Biblical truths, but are just product of old habit, old habit that forms and dies up but sways and sashays ever so unwantedly in your mind again just as you were on the brink of recovery, and of the hope that everything wonderful will come back again, and a lot of peace may evolve. But however no one understands how messed up our minds are, or how hard we try to find that little peace inside. Or the immense torment of trying to rid ourselves of wrong perspectives and lies which you have slowly entertained, which are lies. The more you grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers, and one day you suddenly find out that life isn't the way you want it. The hope and joy is gone. Where is the love that you once knew? All riddled in lies and wrong perspectives.
I'm embarassed at myself, fighting with my inner demons, fighting with my enemies, fighting with these thoughts in my head. Fighting and fighting. Sigh, maybe I want to relax, maybe I want repose, maybe I want to run back to the arms of my God and cling for help and ask Him to take it all away because I'm done fighting, I'm too tired.
Sometimes life comes and life goes. But the constancy of life is something I have to hold on to. If everything were so ephemeral and superfluous and truth is so subjective life would be a madness, but then there are everlasting truths, such as what God says in the Word, but then again the mind is rebelling, the mind questions, the mind wants to take an alternate stand. And then I am stuck in chains again.
I have to break out. Break out.
God help me. I love myself. I love my God and my Jesus. I don't want Him to be sad by living in the lies when the truth will set me free. That everything good comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil. To resist the lies of the devil and realise how wonderful my life will be because nothing can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. That my Jesus, whom I know, who is faithful, whom I used to have a relationship with (and still have, not by my own efforts), still loves me, despite my running aways. That He blessed my life with blessings which I should be so grateful for, but then I'm like the prodigal son, running away running away when already the greatest treasure is here.
The greatest treasure is before me. The treasure of heaven, the treasure of knowing God himself, and the wonderful peace, comfort, love, justice, mercy, that flows from His throne. So why am I still running away? Can I not test God anymore?
Law really sucks, im sitting down here blogging like a madman during my SLS. If you're a lecturer, i'm sorry, but this is democracy.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I suck.
Crap life sucks.
I need perserverence not to be derailed by success but realise that life is a constant experience, and once you reach the heights of the mountains why do you keep falling down into the valleys? how much more difficult is it to climb up then to drop down? when gravity submerges everything into a meaningless experience and, for one day, you break through the clouds, and you realise how beautiful life can be... why do you keep submerging yourself? why don't you want to fly, to swim, to dream?
because i am afraid, shawn. because i am afraid that i would do something extremely stupid. because i'm afraid that my mind, like all creative thoughts, blackened in dark and green and orange, finds outlets to run to, and i'm not sure i can come back. the faith is wearing of, and i need to come back to the familiar. but the familiar is being destroyed. the familiar of green and old and the familiarity of home. the old forest is being destroyed, now. replaced by new forests. but new forests have no roots, it builds no roots into the mind.
fine fine be like that. hais.
'i'm clinging on to the last great hope
i know i'll fall and there's so much more
but i need you, i won't do.
your love's so big and wonderful
how can i ever be a part of you?
it's painful.'
hmms. i have to change.
hey listen to 'nobody's fault but my own', brilliant song. beck.
Crap life sucks.
I need perserverence not to be derailed by success but realise that life is a constant experience, and once you reach the heights of the mountains why do you keep falling down into the valleys? how much more difficult is it to climb up then to drop down? when gravity submerges everything into a meaningless experience and, for one day, you break through the clouds, and you realise how beautiful life can be... why do you keep submerging yourself? why don't you want to fly, to swim, to dream?
because i am afraid, shawn. because i am afraid that i would do something extremely stupid. because i'm afraid that my mind, like all creative thoughts, blackened in dark and green and orange, finds outlets to run to, and i'm not sure i can come back. the faith is wearing of, and i need to come back to the familiar. but the familiar is being destroyed. the familiar of green and old and the familiarity of home. the old forest is being destroyed, now. replaced by new forests. but new forests have no roots, it builds no roots into the mind.
fine fine be like that. hais.
'i'm clinging on to the last great hope
i know i'll fall and there's so much more
but i need you, i won't do.
your love's so big and wonderful
how can i ever be a part of you?
it's painful.'
hmms. i have to change.
hey listen to 'nobody's fault but my own', brilliant song. beck.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Stop living in the past.
You, shawn poon, of all people, is not the wonderful loving soul that everyone loved in JC and who loved everyone in JC. that was already 3 years ago. face it shawn, you have changed, and it's for the worse, and no one likes you anymore, and you're still alone. you're getting on the mend by the grace of God but still nowhere there yet. stop thinking you're a star and face it shawn, we're all normal.
blogging helps to relief my frustrations.
mambo night really sucked, it was freaking packed and the problem was there were so many groups that went to mambo. that's kind of ironic but it's worse in the case because you tend to flit between one group to another, in any case i do. and dancing is just tiring. it just is. don't you think so? sigh justin gan said i wasn't high at all, that's the truth. i take lots to get high, sigh, they just don't get it do they.
i've got to accept who i am, whom God created me to be, and not try to be someone else. i always fail in that aspect. let me please God please Lord Jesus my friend let me be comfortable in my own skin. please let me accept the fact that 'i was created in the image of God'. i'm better than who i think i am. wake up shawn, life is good.
You, shawn poon, of all people, is not the wonderful loving soul that everyone loved in JC and who loved everyone in JC. that was already 3 years ago. face it shawn, you have changed, and it's for the worse, and no one likes you anymore, and you're still alone. you're getting on the mend by the grace of God but still nowhere there yet. stop thinking you're a star and face it shawn, we're all normal.
blogging helps to relief my frustrations.
mambo night really sucked, it was freaking packed and the problem was there were so many groups that went to mambo. that's kind of ironic but it's worse in the case because you tend to flit between one group to another, in any case i do. and dancing is just tiring. it just is. don't you think so? sigh justin gan said i wasn't high at all, that's the truth. i take lots to get high, sigh, they just don't get it do they.
i've got to accept who i am, whom God created me to be, and not try to be someone else. i always fail in that aspect. let me please God please Lord Jesus my friend let me be comfortable in my own skin. please let me accept the fact that 'i was created in the image of God'. i'm better than who i think i am. wake up shawn, life is good.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Perhaps I just like attention.
That's why the sadist impatient impulsive id in me loves challenging social norms on what 'acceptable behaviour' constitutes.
Perhaps some part of me wishes I were someone else- is it that hard to love myself? Or is it even harder for other people to love me if I can't even love myself, or accept myself?
God accepts me but sometimes we degenerate Him into some small insignificant being and instead we care so much how people view us. We expect perfection of them when we can't even hold ourselves together mentally, let alone helping another fellow human being. Our pride gets in the way and we struggle to stay afloat and it's only by the grace of God and the everlasting love that sustains us from breaking down and renouncing everything that you loved, and knew.
We're just weak, we're just cowardly, stupid inside. We know nothing of the world and yet everything that happens in our lives we assume we know it all. We think we could create the universe if we just wished it would happen. We can't accept normalcy, or accept the small insignificant part of me is really truly insignificant and flawed. We all try to play god and build a tower of Babel. But inside us God simply waits for us to accept the fact that 'without Him, we can do nothing' and then perhaps something (a waiting, a dissatisfaction, a longing) stirs up within us and we run back to the arms of grace and we find something we have been waiting for a long time. We just hope we remain there before we get distracted by another green pasture or another wild flower. And then the whole process starts again, kept by a promise that His grace will find us no matter what.
'Never will I leave you nor forsake you'
But when will we ever learn to remain? To be content? To slay the demons of the enemy before it destroys every little bit of good that there was in us? The enemy works behind the scenes, plotting and using lies to bring about our downfall, but then, fellow fighters, the One in you is greater than the one in the world, but then again are we too proud to ask for His help? When all the resources of God are layed at your disposal and all He has to do is to will it, isn't it so much easier than fighting?
Maybe I should have left it all to God. Maybe I should have accepted His plan as being perfect. Maybe I shouldn't resist and submit it all to Him who actually deep down truly loves me, and knows what is best.
Maybe all this pride and boasting should go away. Maybe I should only boast in Christ, who died and rose again.
That's why the sadist impatient impulsive id in me loves challenging social norms on what 'acceptable behaviour' constitutes.
Perhaps some part of me wishes I were someone else- is it that hard to love myself? Or is it even harder for other people to love me if I can't even love myself, or accept myself?
God accepts me but sometimes we degenerate Him into some small insignificant being and instead we care so much how people view us. We expect perfection of them when we can't even hold ourselves together mentally, let alone helping another fellow human being. Our pride gets in the way and we struggle to stay afloat and it's only by the grace of God and the everlasting love that sustains us from breaking down and renouncing everything that you loved, and knew.
We're just weak, we're just cowardly, stupid inside. We know nothing of the world and yet everything that happens in our lives we assume we know it all. We think we could create the universe if we just wished it would happen. We can't accept normalcy, or accept the small insignificant part of me is really truly insignificant and flawed. We all try to play god and build a tower of Babel. But inside us God simply waits for us to accept the fact that 'without Him, we can do nothing' and then perhaps something (a waiting, a dissatisfaction, a longing) stirs up within us and we run back to the arms of grace and we find something we have been waiting for a long time. We just hope we remain there before we get distracted by another green pasture or another wild flower. And then the whole process starts again, kept by a promise that His grace will find us no matter what.
'Never will I leave you nor forsake you'
But when will we ever learn to remain? To be content? To slay the demons of the enemy before it destroys every little bit of good that there was in us? The enemy works behind the scenes, plotting and using lies to bring about our downfall, but then, fellow fighters, the One in you is greater than the one in the world, but then again are we too proud to ask for His help? When all the resources of God are layed at your disposal and all He has to do is to will it, isn't it so much easier than fighting?
Maybe I should have left it all to God. Maybe I should have accepted His plan as being perfect. Maybe I shouldn't resist and submit it all to Him who actually deep down truly loves me, and knows what is best.
Maybe all this pride and boasting should go away. Maybe I should only boast in Christ, who died and rose again.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Okay world cup thoughts:
It's been quite a good world cup so far: both of my favourite teams in the tournament, Argentina and Spain, have lived up to expectations, and even surpassed it, if i may say so. Argentina was imperious against Serbia and Montenegro, and had enough to beat Ivory Coast. The playmaker Riquelme's pass to Saviola was a brilliant work of art, while Cambassio's goal against S&M was the epitome of great team build-up play. I particuarly liked Tevez's goal as well (it was a relatively Maradona-like strike, wasn't it). I wouldn't be surprised to see them in the final- their combination of superb attacking flair, great teamwork, and defensive solidity hasn't yet be matched in the competition.
Spain have thus-far managed to break out of their perennial-underachiever tag, but whether they can sustain that in the later parts of the competition remains to be seen. In Torres you have a player who can play the tank-striker role (heading crosses in, etc) or run at defenders and elude them with pace, etc.-- his atheletism is superb and so is the finishing. the supporting cast has been great as well. Fabregas, ever since he came on against tunisia, made two goals, the second assist being a brilliant slide-rule pass of the highest quality . ( okay i'm biased) but seriously who knows what we can expect with david villa, raul, torres, fabregas, etc, xavi alonso, ?
SHAWN'S WORLD-CUP XI
GK: Gianlugi Buffon
DC: Philip Lahm
DC: Carlos Puyol
DC: Fabio Cannavaro
ML: Bastian Schwansliger
MC: Marcos Senna
MC: Juan Roman Riquelme
MR: David Beckham
AMC: Kaka
FC: Fernando Torres
FC: Javier Saviola
It's been quite a good world cup so far: both of my favourite teams in the tournament, Argentina and Spain, have lived up to expectations, and even surpassed it, if i may say so. Argentina was imperious against Serbia and Montenegro, and had enough to beat Ivory Coast. The playmaker Riquelme's pass to Saviola was a brilliant work of art, while Cambassio's goal against S&M was the epitome of great team build-up play. I particuarly liked Tevez's goal as well (it was a relatively Maradona-like strike, wasn't it). I wouldn't be surprised to see them in the final- their combination of superb attacking flair, great teamwork, and defensive solidity hasn't yet be matched in the competition.
Spain have thus-far managed to break out of their perennial-underachiever tag, but whether they can sustain that in the later parts of the competition remains to be seen. In Torres you have a player who can play the tank-striker role (heading crosses in, etc) or run at defenders and elude them with pace, etc.-- his atheletism is superb and so is the finishing. the supporting cast has been great as well. Fabregas, ever since he came on against tunisia, made two goals, the second assist being a brilliant slide-rule pass of the highest quality . ( okay i'm biased) but seriously who knows what we can expect with david villa, raul, torres, fabregas, etc, xavi alonso, ?
SHAWN'S WORLD-CUP XI
GK: Gianlugi Buffon
DC: Philip Lahm
DC: Carlos Puyol
DC: Fabio Cannavaro
ML: Bastian Schwansliger
MC: Marcos Senna
MC: Juan Roman Riquelme
MR: David Beckham
AMC: Kaka
FC: Fernando Torres
FC: Javier Saviola
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Having said that I 'can't wait for this to be over, thank God it's over'-- i kind of miss camp, a bit. going back today brought back memories of old times. of the office, where you belonged, of SGT Shawn at his desk--but having said that, you never reminisce the rubbish, don't you. hmm. the conclusion is - being on leave is better. i think so.
anyway, many thanks to the many friends who came for my 21st=D dont' really have photos now but if I do i'll post it up =D i don't really enjoy 'birthdays', as you call it, because i feel that one has to deliberately enjoy the occassion, if not you'd waste the money, the day, the 'expectations', as you'd call it. so i was really apprehensive, i was just expecting a hum-drum 21st, perhaps, as so many others were; but then again, our Lord decided to surprise me! when one surveys the incidents leading to the party, you can't help but have to conclude that it's only by Jesus's grace that the party was a relative success. He promised me He'd bless the party while giving me an assurance of love, so all thanks to the Lord Jesus the living God who actually cares for people even though i've been a relative failure so far.
The wine was good, the food excellent, and chris bought a grand bottle of Sauternes Premier Cru which apparently cost $85; (Appellation Barsac Controlee) that was brilliant; the two bottles of second-grade Sauternes was good, the Pinot Noir from NZ was commendable and fruity as good Pinot should be (New World), the Alsace Riesling was refreshing- so the wine was good. performed with kevin and darren on the guitars and keyboards at the party
which was enjoyable, played my new song 'still madly in love' (think that went quite well), and the old song 'autumn' (highly overplayed though, haha). went out to winebar after that at Mohamed Sultan- opened another 3 bottles, wow, and wine really goes well with Mussels, i've realised - got really drunk after that. oh well. high, i won't consider myself drunk (i hasten to add) - oh well. woke up with a headache to play basketball. haha.
So I have to thank so many people. Have to thank Kevin SW (for the ferrying me around and the good friendship (which is increasing and back to good ol' levels -oh well)
plus the MCing which got me really embarassed), for mr darren who although was really quite baikar still decided to perform in his husky john mayerish voice and for being a bud all these years=D, for jeremy and his company and support and everything the car the friendship and all=D aiya. for mr benkhoo , for dave gang justin et al, for zach, kevin ws, tim=D for duana and sheng who brought me a nice cd and mug=D for samuel who brought the girls along (Haha) and most of all, to thank God for His provisions for 21 years and for His blessings on the party. yay.
=D
there have been many good experiences in my holidays. i just have to say i'm been quite blessed, time to bless others.
highlights of the hols:
1. staying over at daren's to watch champions league, eating au petit salut=D listening to great music and writing good music=D
2. playing pool, and then texas holdem' poker at wenyi's, and then supper afterwards
3. stil tinking. haha.
4. getting baptised! (EASTER, yay). the Maundy Thursday service was really great as well.
5. monday after getting baptised: learning the true meaning of grace. God's ever-forgiving-ever-giving grace. listening to music that I wrote that, by God's grace, i was able to write. (that doesn't link right)
6. mambo night.
7. having dinner with wen en and jeremy and playing mahjong. old friends.
8. my 21st birthday party=D with trimmings and the like. with good friends to share the occasion with. with God's special blessings.
9. mahjong with kevin, darren, and kev's sis, because that was really quite ironic. i lost alot of money but had quite lot of fun.
10. prayer meeting which just ended. a closer intimacy with our Lord Jesus and our Heavenly Father. assurances throughout the day of the fact that, in His own words, I am 'saved for eternity', and in other words 'I am saved once and for all- you cannot lose this salvation'. (sorry ah, i get a lil' insecure sometimes) the joy i felt when others get saved and accept Christ. just great fellowship with God, not just in the prayer meeting, but throughout the day. plus the message of the immutability of God (how constant God is) just reinforces it. i think what I really learnt is how easily God forgives me.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
- i'm sorry, i forget easily. just tell God thanks that Shawn's quite blessed. i'm sorry if i have nothing credible to say. i have lots of gifts to be thankful for. =D quite blessed. thanks.
THE GENERAL ELECTIONS - A COMMENTARY
Anyway the elections are coming, and what interests me are the articles about the state of the opposition in Singapore. Firstly, without entering into a lot of rhetoric of how we 'need an opposition voice' and all that which have already been brought up, let's just examine 5 critical points about the opposition and the dominance of the PAP. I'll just elaborate on a few of these points.
*disclaimer - this is not a political podcast in anyway. this represents the blogger's personal view. and i don't think you can find any defamatory facts or any untruths, because there are only opinions here, not facts.
1. Local politics are extremely prevalent in Singapore. Unlike other countries, the worry is not about whether you are 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice', or how you plan to boost the economy, or whether you should raise the budget for education in Singapore- rather, the worry is on whether the MP can give you lifts on every floor, or whether the MP can provide a sheltered walkway from my house to the bus stop. You can't blame the electorate, because the majority of Singaporeans do not have the high levels of education necessary for such advanced debate to be of any influence on the ground, to be seen in the voting patterns. Someone said once that to have true democracy, you must have a large middle class, which is not as prevalent in Singapore as in a more 'ideal democracy', such as in the UK or USA. There, because people have been exposed to ideas and are trained to have political opinions, having already attained economic stability, they would more likely be able to discriminate idea-wise between two candidates based on their political ideas, and their political plans, rather than the immediate gratification of what Singapore rather functions, such as whether they'll be upgrading or not. You can't blame PAP, because, being the government, they have money to offer gifts that the other parties cannot offer, due to the magnitude of economic power disparity. You can't blame the people, because people will naturally choose the best option. There is no real solution until the education levels of Singapore really increases, and then you'd see real debate on the voting ground.
2. Considering the PAP's dominance, they can afford to boost their mandate not by squeezing the Opposition so hard until the 'pips squeak', but to temper a slightly heightened sense of moderation and fairness (not to insinuate that the PAP is not fair, I don't want to be heckled down with a lawsuit, thank you very much) to the election process in order to boost their image in the minds of the English-educated young.
The radical (i hasten to add) English-educated young have certain pet peeves about the PAP. Firstly, the link of voting to lift upgrading is seen as a certain form of 'vote bribery', in that sense. One may argue that the PAP has its own funds and why should they be used to pay for opposition wards who didnt' support their mandate? I would argue on two fronts. Firstly, as the PAP is in government, they have a responsibility to the whole of Singapore as the ruling party to care for the needs and wellbeing of all Singaporeans, regardless of who they voted for. it is 'one people, one nation, one Singapore'. It is government funds that are in the CDCs, not party funds, as I recall. Clearly these should be equally accessible to all constituencies, regardless of party. Secondly, as the opposition clearly doesnt' ahve funds to provide the same level of upgrading, it is a question of 'vote for us because only we can give you lift upgrading'. The English-educated young may perceive that as cheap, and un-noble, and not well-intentioned (yes politics is a dirty game but you need a moral high ground too). It becomes a threat that may force people to vote out of fear for the PAP. (yes people may say it's a bonus to have your lifts upgraded, but if everyone else is having it upgraded and yours is not, it becomes a threat, right?).
I feel, perhaps, that the PAP would gain further 'moral credibility', take the moral high ground and gain popularity amongst young liberals if it were to benovelently grant upgrading rights to opposition wards as well, instead of playing hard-ball on such issues. Then people will see PAP for what it stands for: great party programme for Singapore, talented individuals in the party, cohesive organisation, a care for the well-being of citizens, etc., instead of focussing on the rather pragmatic and un-ideal ways that the PAP has used to gain power in different constiuencies.
3. Dr Chee Soon Juan needs to rethink his act because what he is doing to the SDP is imploding the party from within. nothing needs to be said. seriously. i mean if this is opposition politics then we're no different from Barisan Socialis.
4. Linked to point 2, is that even though the PAP claims that GRCs are in fact necessary for minority representation etc, it can be easily perceived as a quickfire and easy option for MPs to be voted into parliament without a fight under the cover of a heavyweight minister, as is so often expressed. At most, limit the GRCs to 3 members per team, or so. the only excuse i can think of why they haven't done so yet is that there aren't enough 'ministers' to cover each GRC if this was the case.
5. I am glad that the Worker's Party have decided to raise the level of debate and candidature in their election campaign.
that's all i have to say.
shawn
anyway, many thanks to the many friends who came for my 21st=D dont' really have photos now but if I do i'll post it up =D i don't really enjoy 'birthdays', as you call it, because i feel that one has to deliberately enjoy the occassion, if not you'd waste the money, the day, the 'expectations', as you'd call it. so i was really apprehensive, i was just expecting a hum-drum 21st, perhaps, as so many others were; but then again, our Lord decided to surprise me! when one surveys the incidents leading to the party, you can't help but have to conclude that it's only by Jesus's grace that the party was a relative success. He promised me He'd bless the party while giving me an assurance of love, so all thanks to the Lord Jesus the living God who actually cares for people even though i've been a relative failure so far.
The wine was good, the food excellent, and chris bought a grand bottle of Sauternes Premier Cru which apparently cost $85; (Appellation Barsac Controlee) that was brilliant; the two bottles of second-grade Sauternes was good, the Pinot Noir from NZ was commendable and fruity as good Pinot should be (New World), the Alsace Riesling was refreshing- so the wine was good. performed with kevin and darren on the guitars and keyboards at the party
which was enjoyable, played my new song 'still madly in love' (think that went quite well), and the old song 'autumn' (highly overplayed though, haha). went out to winebar after that at Mohamed Sultan- opened another 3 bottles, wow, and wine really goes well with Mussels, i've realised - got really drunk after that. oh well. high, i won't consider myself drunk (i hasten to add) - oh well. woke up with a headache to play basketball. haha.
So I have to thank so many people. Have to thank Kevin SW (for the ferrying me around and the good friendship (which is increasing and back to good ol' levels -oh well)
plus the MCing which got me really embarassed), for mr darren who although was really quite baikar still decided to perform in his husky john mayerish voice and for being a bud all these years=D, for jeremy and his company and support and everything the car the friendship and all=D aiya. for mr benkhoo , for dave gang justin et al, for zach, kevin ws, tim=D for duana and sheng who brought me a nice cd and mug=D for samuel who brought the girls along (Haha) and most of all, to thank God for His provisions for 21 years and for His blessings on the party. yay.
=D
there have been many good experiences in my holidays. i just have to say i'm been quite blessed, time to bless others.
highlights of the hols:
1. staying over at daren's to watch champions league, eating au petit salut=D listening to great music and writing good music=D
2. playing pool, and then texas holdem' poker at wenyi's, and then supper afterwards
3. stil tinking. haha.
4. getting baptised! (EASTER, yay). the Maundy Thursday service was really great as well.
5. monday after getting baptised: learning the true meaning of grace. God's ever-forgiving-ever-giving grace. listening to music that I wrote that, by God's grace, i was able to write. (that doesn't link right)
6. mambo night.
7. having dinner with wen en and jeremy and playing mahjong. old friends.
8. my 21st birthday party=D with trimmings and the like. with good friends to share the occasion with. with God's special blessings.
9. mahjong with kevin, darren, and kev's sis, because that was really quite ironic. i lost alot of money but had quite lot of fun.
10. prayer meeting which just ended. a closer intimacy with our Lord Jesus and our Heavenly Father. assurances throughout the day of the fact that, in His own words, I am 'saved for eternity', and in other words 'I am saved once and for all- you cannot lose this salvation'. (sorry ah, i get a lil' insecure sometimes) the joy i felt when others get saved and accept Christ. just great fellowship with God, not just in the prayer meeting, but throughout the day. plus the message of the immutability of God (how constant God is) just reinforces it. i think what I really learnt is how easily God forgives me.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
- i'm sorry, i forget easily. just tell God thanks that Shawn's quite blessed. i'm sorry if i have nothing credible to say. i have lots of gifts to be thankful for. =D quite blessed. thanks.
THE GENERAL ELECTIONS - A COMMENTARY
Anyway the elections are coming, and what interests me are the articles about the state of the opposition in Singapore. Firstly, without entering into a lot of rhetoric of how we 'need an opposition voice' and all that which have already been brought up, let's just examine 5 critical points about the opposition and the dominance of the PAP. I'll just elaborate on a few of these points.
*disclaimer - this is not a political podcast in anyway. this represents the blogger's personal view. and i don't think you can find any defamatory facts or any untruths, because there are only opinions here, not facts.
1. Local politics are extremely prevalent in Singapore. Unlike other countries, the worry is not about whether you are 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice', or how you plan to boost the economy, or whether you should raise the budget for education in Singapore- rather, the worry is on whether the MP can give you lifts on every floor, or whether the MP can provide a sheltered walkway from my house to the bus stop. You can't blame the electorate, because the majority of Singaporeans do not have the high levels of education necessary for such advanced debate to be of any influence on the ground, to be seen in the voting patterns. Someone said once that to have true democracy, you must have a large middle class, which is not as prevalent in Singapore as in a more 'ideal democracy', such as in the UK or USA. There, because people have been exposed to ideas and are trained to have political opinions, having already attained economic stability, they would more likely be able to discriminate idea-wise between two candidates based on their political ideas, and their political plans, rather than the immediate gratification of what Singapore rather functions, such as whether they'll be upgrading or not. You can't blame PAP, because, being the government, they have money to offer gifts that the other parties cannot offer, due to the magnitude of economic power disparity. You can't blame the people, because people will naturally choose the best option. There is no real solution until the education levels of Singapore really increases, and then you'd see real debate on the voting ground.
2. Considering the PAP's dominance, they can afford to boost their mandate not by squeezing the Opposition so hard until the 'pips squeak', but to temper a slightly heightened sense of moderation and fairness (not to insinuate that the PAP is not fair, I don't want to be heckled down with a lawsuit, thank you very much) to the election process in order to boost their image in the minds of the English-educated young.
The radical (i hasten to add) English-educated young have certain pet peeves about the PAP. Firstly, the link of voting to lift upgrading is seen as a certain form of 'vote bribery', in that sense. One may argue that the PAP has its own funds and why should they be used to pay for opposition wards who didnt' support their mandate? I would argue on two fronts. Firstly, as the PAP is in government, they have a responsibility to the whole of Singapore as the ruling party to care for the needs and wellbeing of all Singaporeans, regardless of who they voted for. it is 'one people, one nation, one Singapore'. It is government funds that are in the CDCs, not party funds, as I recall. Clearly these should be equally accessible to all constituencies, regardless of party. Secondly, as the opposition clearly doesnt' ahve funds to provide the same level of upgrading, it is a question of 'vote for us because only we can give you lift upgrading'. The English-educated young may perceive that as cheap, and un-noble, and not well-intentioned (yes politics is a dirty game but you need a moral high ground too). It becomes a threat that may force people to vote out of fear for the PAP. (yes people may say it's a bonus to have your lifts upgraded, but if everyone else is having it upgraded and yours is not, it becomes a threat, right?).
I feel, perhaps, that the PAP would gain further 'moral credibility', take the moral high ground and gain popularity amongst young liberals if it were to benovelently grant upgrading rights to opposition wards as well, instead of playing hard-ball on such issues. Then people will see PAP for what it stands for: great party programme for Singapore, talented individuals in the party, cohesive organisation, a care for the well-being of citizens, etc., instead of focussing on the rather pragmatic and un-ideal ways that the PAP has used to gain power in different constiuencies.
3. Dr Chee Soon Juan needs to rethink his act because what he is doing to the SDP is imploding the party from within. nothing needs to be said. seriously. i mean if this is opposition politics then we're no different from Barisan Socialis.
4. Linked to point 2, is that even though the PAP claims that GRCs are in fact necessary for minority representation etc, it can be easily perceived as a quickfire and easy option for MPs to be voted into parliament without a fight under the cover of a heavyweight minister, as is so often expressed. At most, limit the GRCs to 3 members per team, or so. the only excuse i can think of why they haven't done so yet is that there aren't enough 'ministers' to cover each GRC if this was the case.
5. I am glad that the Worker's Party have decided to raise the level of debate and candidature in their election campaign.
that's all i have to say.
shawn
Sunday, April 09, 2006
"For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
- without Jesus I can do nothing, for without Him I am nothing.
It's as though spring has come again. Clearing leave ushers in new feelings, as though parts of me that hibernated for 2 1/4 years suddenly sprung back to life, and here I am now, free to live, free to get enough sleep than the usual five hours that I'd been subjecting my body to. I used to dread mondays, especially sundays, but now it's not so bad. i think the worst thing about NS is the lack of anything to look forward to (within NS), and I felt as though I were living a double life, one in camp, and the other outside. I just couldn't reconcile the two. And maybe I will never be able to.
So i've been living the life. Spending lots of money (im down to the last 50 perhaps). Wednesday was spent playing civ 4 and Dota, and eating CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) with Sam Darren & Jeremy, and watching Champions league football overnight. Thursday was spent eating Au Petit Salut (their $22 set lunch is a fantastic deal- with wine and et al, escargots, beef onglet, creme brulee--you couldn't ask for more, especially since it's haute cuisine actually, in essence), writing music. Friday was very fun, going for driving, collecting passports, watching 'Inside Man', playing pool, playing Texas Hold'em Poker, which is the most fun thing in the world, and then going for supper--- the dream life.
I just couldn't ask for more. Thank God that it's finally over.
- without Jesus I can do nothing, for without Him I am nothing.
It's as though spring has come again. Clearing leave ushers in new feelings, as though parts of me that hibernated for 2 1/4 years suddenly sprung back to life, and here I am now, free to live, free to get enough sleep than the usual five hours that I'd been subjecting my body to. I used to dread mondays, especially sundays, but now it's not so bad. i think the worst thing about NS is the lack of anything to look forward to (within NS), and I felt as though I were living a double life, one in camp, and the other outside. I just couldn't reconcile the two. And maybe I will never be able to.
So i've been living the life. Spending lots of money (im down to the last 50 perhaps). Wednesday was spent playing civ 4 and Dota, and eating CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) with Sam Darren & Jeremy, and watching Champions league football overnight. Thursday was spent eating Au Petit Salut (their $22 set lunch is a fantastic deal- with wine and et al, escargots, beef onglet, creme brulee--you couldn't ask for more, especially since it's haute cuisine actually, in essence), writing music. Friday was very fun, going for driving, collecting passports, watching 'Inside Man', playing pool, playing Texas Hold'em Poker, which is the most fun thing in the world, and then going for supper--- the dream life.
I just couldn't ask for more. Thank God that it's finally over.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
the need to empathise in our society is seriously lacking. not everyone is a smart genius. not everyone is a strong individual who harbours hopes of conquering the world. not everyone has ethics or morals. there are so many failed people in this world.
so what are you doing about it?
are you sitting there thinking how i'm so much better than them or are you thinking, what can i do to make the change?
do you want to be noble, or do you want to start sniping behind the fence?
i'm not perfect, far from it. but i can see that the best people are not the ones who have the best morals and values. the best people are the ones that, in spite of these morals and values, have the heart to look at people without these morals and values and offer them dinner, or a cup of tea. or sit down and have coffee with them. what is real emotional maturity is knowing that someone down there has issues even though he may be hiding it with a veil and be willing to help and come down to his level and sympathise with him. not this ra-ra enthusiasm of brotherhood in arms. we're all failed in some way or another (that's why we need God, in a way) and deep down there are hidden insecurities in everyone, even in the strongest Joe. but what disappoints me is that everyone is trying to pluck the plank from the other man's eyes rather than trying to be human.
so what are you doing about it?
are you sitting there thinking how i'm so much better than them or are you thinking, what can i do to make the change?
do you want to be noble, or do you want to start sniping behind the fence?
i'm not perfect, far from it. but i can see that the best people are not the ones who have the best morals and values. the best people are the ones that, in spite of these morals and values, have the heart to look at people without these morals and values and offer them dinner, or a cup of tea. or sit down and have coffee with them. what is real emotional maturity is knowing that someone down there has issues even though he may be hiding it with a veil and be willing to help and come down to his level and sympathise with him. not this ra-ra enthusiasm of brotherhood in arms. we're all failed in some way or another (that's why we need God, in a way) and deep down there are hidden insecurities in everyone, even in the strongest Joe. but what disappoints me is that everyone is trying to pluck the plank from the other man's eyes rather than trying to be human.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
This verse speaks strongly:
"
"
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus"
I used to be a much more lovable, loving boy. no worries. no cynicism, no 'superiority complex'. but in NS
i developed shells to protect myself. especially the shell of pride, that hardens my heart against our Lord Jesus
and hardens my heart against others. knowing that they'll hurt me and stuff. of course. we're all sinners. our human
nature is selfish. especially in trials.
so now i'm going to soften my heart. i'm going to empathise and do my best for others again. even though i'm
a sgt, i'm going to try to feel for others. i want everyone to know God. i want everyone to be loved by me even
a little bit. i'm going to try my best to love again. to love my parents, to make them happy. knowing that my
life is but a shadow, a vapour in the wind. it comes and goes, yet if i can bring some joy to the world, i'm sure
Christ will be happy and people will be touched.
when i was less proud things were going well with me. now i can't feel anything, i'm just judging people. i can't feel
love and all sorts of emotions. my music is suffering coz i can't feel. i can't connect.
sigh.
it all has to do with pride.
so now the pride has to go.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
I am emotionally weak.
Especially when tired. A whole drain of emotions, the klutz, can't feel anything, can't wait to fall asleep in my bed. the whole day, the same old pattern, dragging myself to concentrate in the office. clerk life is stupid because of the mundanity. i wouldn;'t mind having a few exercises along the way. and i punish myself because i'm so tired and i just want to waste the day. and so i fell asleep and woke up at a redolent 3pm. how wonderful.
the chinese new year break has been relatively fun! been doing alot of fun things. reunion dinner was not too bad. quite good conversation, etc. watched amelie at jeremy's. first day new year and church service was great. felt really joyful communing with God. visiting was boring but interesting to see all the different faces. at night at the ritz was a nice dinner and after that adjourned to acid bar for drinks and to chill out which was nice.
yeah. went clubbing the other day on wednesday night for law bash. it was happening=D didn't know clubbing was that fun, really borught back memories of prom night clubbing. dancing around with people that you know and stuff. mmm so gonna look forward to law huh. hopefully hopefully.
the dreaded 'going back to camp' has been inevitable. still still, two months more. persevere....
it's really hard to persevere when all you see is the 'here and now' but then army people had it so much worse, the 9 months of OCS training. NS has skewed me, seriously. it's hard to put away the bad, especially since i soak up everrything like a bloddy sponge. doesn't say much for my backbone actually, or my character.
Especially when tired. A whole drain of emotions, the klutz, can't feel anything, can't wait to fall asleep in my bed. the whole day, the same old pattern, dragging myself to concentrate in the office. clerk life is stupid because of the mundanity. i wouldn;'t mind having a few exercises along the way. and i punish myself because i'm so tired and i just want to waste the day. and so i fell asleep and woke up at a redolent 3pm. how wonderful.
the chinese new year break has been relatively fun! been doing alot of fun things. reunion dinner was not too bad. quite good conversation, etc. watched amelie at jeremy's. first day new year and church service was great. felt really joyful communing with God. visiting was boring but interesting to see all the different faces. at night at the ritz was a nice dinner and after that adjourned to acid bar for drinks and to chill out which was nice.
yeah. went clubbing the other day on wednesday night for law bash. it was happening=D didn't know clubbing was that fun, really borught back memories of prom night clubbing. dancing around with people that you know and stuff. mmm so gonna look forward to law huh. hopefully hopefully.
the dreaded 'going back to camp' has been inevitable. still still, two months more. persevere....
it's really hard to persevere when all you see is the 'here and now' but then army people had it so much worse, the 9 months of OCS training. NS has skewed me, seriously. it's hard to put away the bad, especially since i soak up everrything like a bloddy sponge. doesn't say much for my backbone actually, or my character.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Another blog post and I've realised kind of that my blog audience is probably limited to just - me. Okay I probably haven't been VERY interesting, but then ARMY just isn't the thing to blog about. you won't want me to blog about civil defence people running around, my lack of sleep, ranting about my not-so-nice officers, about the people I'm pissed with, you get the idea.
But blogging does give the world a small microscope into the person I am. Not just what I've been doing in my life, but who I really am. Even the writing style conveys so much about a person. (of course it can be faked) - for example, just putting this stupid ( ) paratheses into the equation just conveyed to you, my dear reader, that I am extremely fickle. which is probably why i can't get any girl (see the rhyme here? - but then again, most bright people are, mozart was an absolute idiot - and here's another thread of thought) - - there just seems to be so many threads of thought in my mind that I wonder if I'm going crazy. I wonder just how I'm going to be a lawyer. One moment I'd be defending my client, and the next moment I might just say the wrong thing that'll up his sentence from a jail sentence to death or something.
ah i'm messed up (my mum says cannot use 'screw'). i went with kevin and jon late night to jazz at southbridge and later on with darren to eski bar and it was fun. i went to eat bak kut teh. and what was fun was hanging out with the scones after chruch practice on monday night befroe hari-raya-haji to sing stupid songs like 'part of your world', 'elephant love medley' at the top of your voice along the esplanade and walking towards the merlion. and prancing around with the girls and all that.
i just wish i were more secure. sigh. more security would give me a lot more peace that our Lord loves me and He just loves me even though sometimes He stays silent.
But blogging does give the world a small microscope into the person I am. Not just what I've been doing in my life, but who I really am. Even the writing style conveys so much about a person. (of course it can be faked) - for example, just putting this stupid ( ) paratheses into the equation just conveyed to you, my dear reader, that I am extremely fickle. which is probably why i can't get any girl (see the rhyme here? - but then again, most bright people are, mozart was an absolute idiot - and here's another thread of thought) - - there just seems to be so many threads of thought in my mind that I wonder if I'm going crazy. I wonder just how I'm going to be a lawyer. One moment I'd be defending my client, and the next moment I might just say the wrong thing that'll up his sentence from a jail sentence to death or something.
ah i'm messed up (my mum says cannot use 'screw'). i went with kevin and jon late night to jazz at southbridge and later on with darren to eski bar and it was fun. i went to eat bak kut teh. and what was fun was hanging out with the scones after chruch practice on monday night befroe hari-raya-haji to sing stupid songs like 'part of your world', 'elephant love medley' at the top of your voice along the esplanade and walking towards the merlion. and prancing around with the girls and all that.
i just wish i were more secure. sigh. more security would give me a lot more peace that our Lord loves me and He just loves me even though sometimes He stays silent.
Monday, January 02, 2006
There is no greater joy than being with Jesus, my friend. I know He still cares for me despite alot of rubbish I've done and alot of doubt that has plagued my mind. He must, because He is great, and He is love. Yujing said something about Jesus and love being synonymous, and I would probably agree, because there is alot He could have done but He still forgives.
So this 2006, I want to draw closer to the Lord. I want to be more deeply in love with Him. and slowly by faith, i hope each passing day i can see Him work in my life.
A new year, a new dawn. It reminds me of a song.
"I believe that God will bring new blessings,
I believe that spring will come in the end.
I believe in hope in new beginnings
I'd be led to water and live forever"
- a new beginning, shawn poon
okay so this is my song la, but i guess it's meant for such times as these. new beginnings, new year, new resolutions, probably alot of different situations to encounter. 2006, what will the future hold? well, i don't know, but i gotta trust that God knows better and I just gotta have faith that 2006 will be better than a turmulous 2005.
I'm going to university, so it should be great, huh? get a girlfriend, slack a little, study lots, get my brains working again, meet new people, get baptised, etc. how wonderful i'd think?
Not to forget the people i met at civil defence, but really that's a period of time i'd rather forget. it is fine, it's still great, but it's so different from the people i used to know. it's really so different, to be among so many people of different backgrounds. i just need something familiar to hold on to again.
and what will the future bring?
sometimes i'm afraid of the future, but i realised that the future holds nothing scary for me. if i could go past 2005 and still hang my head up high, nothing will stop tomorrow from being great. i just need a bit more faith and to have a bit of balance in my life. to balance my spiritual life, my social life, my physical life, my intellectual life. the social life's been dead for a bit but i believe that it can be revived. just gotta invest, just gotta invest.
and i'm still a bit psycho. it must be all the brainpower that needs a little bit of things to push it. a bit of motivation. a little bit more targets to achieve and i'd be fine.
So this 2006, I want to draw closer to the Lord. I want to be more deeply in love with Him. and slowly by faith, i hope each passing day i can see Him work in my life.
A new year, a new dawn. It reminds me of a song.
"I believe that God will bring new blessings,
I believe that spring will come in the end.
I believe in hope in new beginnings
I'd be led to water and live forever"
- a new beginning, shawn poon
okay so this is my song la, but i guess it's meant for such times as these. new beginnings, new year, new resolutions, probably alot of different situations to encounter. 2006, what will the future hold? well, i don't know, but i gotta trust that God knows better and I just gotta have faith that 2006 will be better than a turmulous 2005.
I'm going to university, so it should be great, huh? get a girlfriend, slack a little, study lots, get my brains working again, meet new people, get baptised, etc. how wonderful i'd think?
Not to forget the people i met at civil defence, but really that's a period of time i'd rather forget. it is fine, it's still great, but it's so different from the people i used to know. it's really so different, to be among so many people of different backgrounds. i just need something familiar to hold on to again.
and what will the future bring?
sometimes i'm afraid of the future, but i realised that the future holds nothing scary for me. if i could go past 2005 and still hang my head up high, nothing will stop tomorrow from being great. i just need a bit more faith and to have a bit of balance in my life. to balance my spiritual life, my social life, my physical life, my intellectual life. the social life's been dead for a bit but i believe that it can be revived. just gotta invest, just gotta invest.
and i'm still a bit psycho. it must be all the brainpower that needs a little bit of things to push it. a bit of motivation. a little bit more targets to achieve and i'd be fine.