i'll be off to chiangmai for ten days for mission trip; am rather excited though rather nervous too, not so sure how things will turn out; i covet your prayers, i know as this is God's work on the battlefield the evil one will be very vigilant and very aggressive in trying to detract us from His work, i covet your prayers for protection and for a great spirit and for the Holy Spirit to be among us all the time and for His presence to be with us. imperative, also, is for us to realise it's all for Him and not for us.

and hopefully i shall bring you great stories. yay. pray for my health too, please. thanks.

A great song; recommended....

Lamb-Gorecki

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

just had an incredible time playing the piano. ahhhh. i must really play classical music to get in the mood for writing, and being musical. i can finally hear the halo again, the blend, and not just the individual notes. it's back to those old times when my fingers just glide over the keys with the right pressure and muscle again. it's been very stiff, but now hopefully it's coming back.
yay. nice.

i just had an incredible Quiet Time with our Lord; it was great. it was quiet, and just for about five minutes just focussing on Him and bowing at His feet. and an incredible sense of peace. to shut out what i do not need. i have to worship You with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind, for You are Holy.

i pray very hard for wisdom. please help me. to do your will Amen.

i am praying very hard i do not fall sick, just to catch maybe the first half of arsenal vs chelsea. it's one of the biggest games of the season, how could you miss it? and besides, ive got my basic theory exam tomorrow morning; if i fail well, okay, fine. nvm. 6 dollars to watch a match is quite worth it.

i am in the mood when i want life to slow down, to sip wine and eat french bread and do some chores and go to the supermarket to shop for tonight's dinner in lazy bliss. to write lovey dovey jazz songs which are oh-so-slow and so delightful. of course, i am never going to be the culture that you have to be (to be successful in being a creator of that form of art, true art, i would call it); i am never going to be so refined, because i was never born aristocratic--and for the noveau-middle-class, good manners follows rather slowly afterwards--and so, for the moment i shall sit and hope that my brain doesn't function so clearly so that perhaps the muse could send some music down.

i have had a hectic weekend which was a load of fun; sometimes the party has to end, and now back to the humdrum of work. with God there is still hope, of course; work is but a necessity in the everyday scheme of things, just like life itself is necessary, and the mediocre bits are there just to ensure that the sublime moments are well-received and enjoyed.

on to monday.

Today started off as pure drag; it was absolutely sickening, especially in the office. coudln't get the brains functioning, everything was pure drivel.

but it was amazing what the most High God can do, in the end. i went down to church, and later on the worship was simply uplifting; i could feel God's presence, and i just hope that more of this would happen and there'll be a great revival. i pray.

when your mind is distracted about how to write a melody, figuring out a melody, etc, and you surrender it to God and everything, suddenly there is a great flood of joy and an uplifting that comes from within (it's definitely not the wind), and you feel the wind blowing and the wonderful peace that is around and you are happy.

that's when you are closer to God and that's where I want to be.

i shld've slept early on sat nite.....grrr. woke up on sunday with a terrible 38.7 deg fever, plus, it came complementary with diahorrea. oh the nightmare, the stiff chills in your knee joints, as though you can never straighten them, the cold that runs through your bones, and the worst thing is, the messy, 'boom-boom-boom', 'boom-boom-boom' rhythm thoughts that make every noise seem diabolical. man, i dread being sick. and diahooreaaa...... sigh. couldn't even walk to the clinic without having to relieve myself at the clinic toilet even before i got in.
how bad is that.

i shld've listened to pple.

sigh.

yesterday's QT was good; i really tried to make it an effort to focus on God, which sorta worked out okay;
it meant that today was better. i felt secure and comforted. and stable. on the way to bishan for my cousin's wedding tea ceremony i felt a nice sense of calm and listened to 'the waltz' and concentrating on the music once again... truly appreciating good intonation which is so-so important, i have to add.
because some music is just so nice. there is no rhythm. its just, music. and there are sublime moments when things are just floating and calm; i rweally can't describe it now, i've forgotten it.

but joyce's weedding was great....i loved the atmoshpere, the sermon on love, and my playing was good, thanks to God. i prayed beforehand, to commit the playing into HIs hands, by his power and His spirit, so that i may celebrate the occassion through music and, through music celebrate their love and give them something through music. it's the same principle: no matter what i do, i will commit it into God's hands because i can't do naything on my own anymore.

and later on it was so wonderful to be in total awe of God as the pastor was preaching and praying; the different names of God and the descriptions of God were so luxurious and so abundant that it just makes me think of God's characteristics and how He is so great and so wonderful. you just have to bow down in awe of him. and that was what instinctly struck me.

all the best to their marriage, my dear cousin and cousin-in-law. im sure they will be happy, because God is with them.

hello i just forgot what's been happening. but here's an update:

1. i think maybe sometimes God is trying to tell me to let go because i can feel that he is trying to tell me to let go. --> it is the failure to hold on that leaves me no choice, perhaps.

2. i went out with zhu and tony e other day and she was commenting that now all the girls will just hang around with their uni friends and just forget us guys in the army.
WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE. and that really sucks. because. well. damn did we waste everything??

actually this weekend has not been bad; it was quite nice. started off with going out with zhu and tony and hanging around in indochine nad at lido talking rubbish;...

i played soccer on sat nite which waas quite nice; even though not many people came and it was just 5 on 5, it was perhaps better because i got more touches on the ball; dribbled quite a bit...managed even to beat nat! twice! yeah=) and quite convincingly too. hmms. i like playing in indoor courts. scored a few....

...on to jamming on sunday which was nice; managed to keep the energy level going...makantime at adam road with the cheng-tng and mutton soup really brought back the nice, warm, level-headed buddy conversations which was really nice. wrote a nice song@!!! it's called 'maybe'...it's a little upbeat-pop thingg about how transient life really is. a bit of 'do you realise', perhaps. but not as profound and definitely not as good. nvm;;;;


aiya this week will be hectic.

Hello hello it's good to be back=)

as you all might have realised from your interaction with me, i have been really quite moody, unspontaneous, untalkative, the last few months, perhaps. and you were wondering what happened to shawn. perhaps that really wasn't me at all. i think camp and everything must have taken such a bad toll on my mood, man. it really sucks. but now i'm much better.

because you all knew that i have a happy disposition anyway. it's raelly there and you can't change it. i remembered at jiang i was like the chatterbox of the town just talking talking talking non-stop and like being the centre of attention and i really have to find that back. oh it's coming back, dont' worry. yeah. and not everyone is born with that gift of the gab just to be able to talk and talk and so i have to make use of it to the fullest extent to ensure it isn't wasted. i mean, not anybody can just go and say hie to people, or dance and jig your bum in public, and all that, it takes real guts and a cool i-dont-care-waht-you-think attitude that i used to have, but now it's all gone....sigh, i dunno why. it'll be really silly to keep quiet all the time. of course you can't force it, but you can't just allow yourself to be a martyr, just to accept what people say all the time without actaully showing others that you are there...

it's called interaction: you talk, i must talk too. i keep quiet, maybe it's not respecting your conversation, but mebbe it stops the flow. because interaction ish two-way. i realsied when i started articulating my views over some nice dessert did we (my friend and i) get the conversation really going. btw my pool was good too finally beat him by 7-4. which was quite a record, coz i normally lose. it's about the angle of the hand i think. it must like, bend in......

it must have been SCDF because over there i'm so quiet and like a mouse because man they're all so older and they all have different views and sometimes that spirals into your normal life, you get what i mean?

hmms.

because not everyone will want to be happy and be the life and who cares about music? alot of the time the reason why i'm just staring into space is because i am actually trying to listen to music in my mind or visualise some song or whatnot. and it becomes so silly because then i lose the company of firends to go engage in my own stupid private activity. it's like being at a party and not wanting to interact and instead i sit down 'relak one corner' to listen to my ipod. it's not even antisocial, it's stupid. it's not taking the most from the activity. if you really wanted to do that, you could do it on the way home or something. yah. so it's really too much music, too little life. that's why when conversation starts that's when music stops. it's like, okay, it wasn't blank in the background, on the way to the bus stop underneath the PIE overhead bridge after i left i could hear the faint straints of 'someday we'll know' in the background. but a very soft faint one, not an overpowering one. and when i'm chatting, there's no music at all. bollocks wif the music.

because there is such a dichotomy between music and words. the musical mind and the vocal mind is just so different. the musical mind and the emotional mind is concerned with feelings and sounds and harmonies. and that, my friends, is a very wonderful world to be in. it's the right-brained world. it's the world where i enjoy God's creation. however, being in that world doesn't really allow you to be very proactive. it stifles you because you are just there observing the beauty around you and perhaps trying to enter the world to create something or change a few particles (figuratively speaking) is more difficult. the vocal world, however, is a whole different matter. it is a mutually exclusive brain pattern from the musical one. like, when i'm speaking, i can hardly hear music at all. nor when i'm listening to music can i start thinking logically. it's the left-brain right-brain thing again.

the ironic thing about that description, however, is that i tend to write better songs after talking/engaging in such vocal activities. in fact i just wrote one. haw haw.

i really have to thank God for a good time tonight. i actually prayed that He'd bless the fellowship between me and my fellow brother and really it all worked out fine. i guess attending the prayer meeting at lunchtime really set the tone right; it gave me that peace and that edifying positive spirit to tide me through the rest of the day and that's something i really have to do more of. to give myself more to God. because His blessings are much more wonderful than you could have hoped for at all.... the great thing is that, He loves me so much that i really should not hold anything back from Him because, guess what, time and time again i'd say this, he knows me better than I'd ever know myself, and so of course He'll know what's best for me, and what will make me really happy, and grant me the REAL desires of my heart. note i say the real desires, coz there are fake desires that i think i really would want but then maybe i wouldn't really want it. like, okay, the high when you go clubbing, or something. you think u might want it but most likely you wouldn't, coz, well. you won't really like it. i don't.

so i shall put my trust in God because He is all-powerful and all-good-loving.


it's like, you really have to give some part of yourself if you want to be able to be touched by emotions and feelings. no one ever enjoyed being a bystander. if you don't actually sacrifice and give something to life, life can never bestow you with happiness, because you never let it touch you in the first place. the world is fair; you have to really follow God before you can find His favour i think; i mean, you really have to allow God to purify you instead of being stubborn in your own ways.... in the same way, you really have to give off some part of your life in order that you might blossom. okay i don't reall yknow how to phrase it but it's something to that extent. it might sound calculative, giving off something to get something back, but it's because you love the people that are around you, and really, that's so important.

and in the end, love is the greatest thing. because if you don't love the people around you, and love God, nothing you do is going to be of any use. you might as well do it yourself.

so that's the end of my social problems, i hope. i hope it's a long time before something else comes back.

it was a peaceful deepavali today, showing that days that are spent at home can actually be very nice, peaceful, and heartwarming, as the flashy-rocking outing days. it's like, the hols last time, where i just woke up late, sat around, played some guitar, watch tv, on the net, blog, all that.

so i was lisetning to silje nergaard's 'the waltz', which was really nice. if you want the mp3 u can ask me for it...it was really weird that song, because it's such a sad song, but ironically i played it at a wedding; we just changed the lyrics a bit. and i was jamming around with my tele until the jack came out writing a new song...

i was initially in a bad mood really because like everrything is so lonely and i was just yearning to go out and have some fun and just felt so isolated but later on i just prayed a prayer of honesty, and asking God to guide my way and be uplifting and edifying to others and later on it was just nice and peaceful; i just found a bit of that peace and comfort just being myself. and later on i went over to cold storage with dad to buy some groceries (alot of it for myself, tyvm) and that was nice too. i envision the day that i'll just be buying groceries with the kids and cooking dinner with a lovely wife.

then there'll be no more need for zouk and hard partying which is silly, really.


which brings me to say that guilt is not a christian emotion at all, is it? sometimes I think you ought to be spartan and have nothing in life but God, but then there are things that God put in this world for me as well, isn't it. hmms. like, love, peace, good food, good music, friends, i don't think God's against those things rite, so long as it isn't sinful and doesnt' detract us from him.?

Zouk was packed like sardines in a can yesterday; i went in yesterday at eleven, drank a bit, tried to dance, but it was really like, there was really only room to stand. n the queue was superhumoungously long . i really don't know how they managed to sneak to the front anywae.

so here i'm a little paranoid for friends. but then i prayed and the wonderful thing about prayer is that it really works i'm a little better now, thankfully. wrote some rocker song, and now am sedately listening to sijle nergaard's 'the waltz', of which i played at some wedding. it's very comforting, ten times better than a vodka can ever be.

Sleeping early is so extremely important. today was the first time i had more than 7 hours of sleep (before going to camp). and my my such was the difference.

i was finally, happy. i could finally see properly. i could finally admire the trees. i finally liked talking to people.

and the dreams were weird. i had these 3 dreams all in one. the first one was really painful: i dreamt that i had my teeth stuck in diagonally (instead of straight in) and that it was hanging from my gum. --> note: go brush your teeth, perhaps!

the next one is vaguely sexual in a bad way. (it's just weird k so yah, censoreed)

and the last one was me dreaming abt some girl and it was funny coz i went to some estate to look for her and i walked and she was cutting into my lane and all that and later on i dunno what happened. but it was quite sweet, if i remembered.

there u go, benefits of sleeping early.

good dreams.


(sometimes i think i'm a basketcase. maybe i really am)

it's just simple love and a hearty warmth
that i can give to the world
nothing else but simple love
people will tell you you're simplistic but you can't fight the system
you can only flow with it


you cannot erase the stereotypes from the world: people will always be embarassed over small things. people will always be superficial. people will always be selfish. you cannot create any form of utopia, because you are never perfect. you can only go with the flow and laugh with it, and live within the parameters. that is, to conform.

because you are too small to do anything.

i'm feeling really lethargic. lethargic in the sense that everything is fading and blurry and there's no passion to do anything. no passion to get scholarships and all that junk, no passion to go out there and do anything. no passion, even to turn on the lights.

i'm just floating around, waiting for something good to happen. which will probably not be from me, and then the cycle goes around again.


break e cycle.

like a harthouse, with no aim in sight.

Do you have the time

to listen to me whine

About NOTHING and EVERYTHING

all at once

I am one of those

Melodramatic fools

Neurotic to the bone

No doubt about it



Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm CRACKING UP

Am I just PARANOID?

Or am I just STONED



I went to a shrink

To analyze my dreams

SHE says it's lack of sex

that's bringing me down

I went to a whore

HE said my life's a bore

So quit my whining cause

it's bringing HER down



Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm CRACKING UP

Am I just PARANOID?

Uh,yuh,yuh,ya



Grasping to CONTROL

So I BETTER hold on



Sometimes I give myself the CREEPS

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm CRACKING UP

Am I just PARANOID?

Or am I just STONED

sigh. i dunno, i've lost my way.

the blog's purpose is not just for the here-and-now, for people to read about my life, or the things that are happening in it; it is also a history, a concrete storage of memories and facts and ideas and knowledge that will prove useful when my mind is so warped (because we are, like Silas Marner, transported to a different world) that it is unable to comprehend how it used to be. just as a dead tree is unable to imagine itself once being alive and full of green leaves.

taken from an old entry:

"you know what blogging (sic) (is) a good idea after all. sometimes i feel it's really bad because one can never relive it and then the blog just makes one want to remember it and sometimes we're walking around with our eyes on our back."

so we are walking with eyes on our back.

infact, the blog has lots of interesting entries. there was this whole entry about that song, under 2003(march 30th and 31st). there was the description of the ac choir as a "spiritual cleansing, a purging of unhappiness and uncleaniness, an a refinement to beautiful thoughts. Thank and praise God for music. It's a beautiful thing, it really is. There are some times when I've begun to believe that again. Thank God for that, after all the crap that's happened before."

my posts are always on music:

"do you think music should be pure, as in, the sounds, the mathematics of it, in order to transcend? Or is straight-ahead dirty rock just as fine? Are we, by moving away from traditional elements of it, limiting its power and transcendence by being cheap and complacent and forsaking our commitment to art, since Mozart and the rest were musically/mathematically pure? Or is it a natural progression? Should mathematics govern music, the pitches and all? When you listen to rock on the radio and they sing out of tune, out of note accuracy, is that fine as well, or it's just lousy intonation?
I struggle with this all the time, rock, or no rock, jazz, or are we all going to revert to the Mozarts and Beethovens."
some more on classical music: check out June 9, 2003. "Classical music demands a sensitivity that people need to cultivate, somehow, to the art of music, itself: a chord change is crucial because it is. it's not just to fill up the bars. "

" You know, it's surprising how some people just can't listen to music properly you know. i think it's an art, just to listen to music...i mean if people'd only learn how to listen properly, they'd be able to appreciate the harmonious blend and swell of classical music....when the chord is played with perfect intonation, there's a 'swell', since the harmonic overtones of the 5ths and 3rds can be heard distinctively and the chord blends in together....there's the sounds of angels, there's the sounds of a purity, a cleansing, that is just so delightful. it's not just technical stuff, it really happens, one just has to open his ears and listen intently, to let the music come to you."
"and 440hz has a kind-of classical beauty about it, seriously. it's when Mozart sounds so melodic and simple and balanced and reminiscent of order in the universe...the shifts of a chord, from a 4th to a 5th is simply a whole change in mood....the 4th is more 'gospel-like' and more summer-like, whereas the 5th is trying to resolve itself to a 1st....and the interrupted cadence 5-6 is a surprise, really an 'interruption', unexpected...the dissonances are trying to resolve itself to consonance, and there's the tension...
and if only people open their ears they'll listen to good music, and not that crap you get on radio....in the world where a toilet bowl can be art, we need some absolute nuances of what good art is." (June 20, 2003)

" I have just been listening to the wonders of the just intonation scales and the richness and the fullness that you get from those chords, that blend and the harmonic overtones that are so pure and delightful. My songs sound nice again, haha. Yeah, I mean i've been trying midi programs that can sequence these scales, but unfortunately it's shareware. Never mind, the bliss of a moment. the swell brings back moments of angelic choirs singing in pure harmony, a world apart from the convulated untuned music that we get here, where chords just lose all their flavour, when the 4ths and the 5ths and the 1sts all lose their overtones."

alot of them are about religion/God.

and of course some of them are about ranting and raving, check out June 04, 2003.

social commentary: June 27, 2003

some of them are just, well, okay.

"There are girls that are just so delicious... they've got this incredible charm about them that makes me swoon. sigh. but I'm a creep, after all...what the 'ell am i doing here? man, it's really that smile that's so heart-warming, it just releases all the good energies in me...i just wanna go and embrace people. just to accost them or something, sigh. delicious. yummy!" (July 05, 2003)

okay enough now. save the next post for the others.

Man, I feel so awfully fat. like, there's a lump of fat in my gullet or something, waiting to be dissolved. sheesh. must be all the haagen daaz and what-not, cake, especially, i've been eating. anyone who goes out with me, please tell me to exercise, please, man. sheesh.

that's what being a clerk is all about, slacking, sleeping, getting fat. OCS boys don't kill me now. exercise is good for you.

on a lighter note, wen en's house is great for musical inspiration. if anything, it's quiet, and it just makes you feel, well, posh, great for writing sit-down-by-the-poolside lounge music. because you can just imagine it being played there. and the piano is fabulous. i must definitely go there more often. the walk in can be my exercise. yay.


often i feel incoherently bad, and socially inept. i used to be skeptical when people said there's a left-brain, that controls logic and speech, and a right-brain, that controls music and e arts/visual. and like, now it's all right-brain. i'm hearing songs in my head with my right-brain, pitching well, everything, but everything turns to dust when i open my mouth to speak. i don't speak, i splutter, like, 'beagaghagkdalgha' and like everyone is 'waht'? 'what's the point?' sheesh. okayyy mebbe the connections isn't working well. must be the fat, huh.

okay so blame it on the fat. i MUST MUST get down to some jogging.

yesterday was a blast! expectations were sky-high and the night really delivered! was with zhu/gill/dave etc and we went into bar none! how cool.. they din even check id.....darren came later....to check out 3 bands! highrise, ronin, and electrico....=) the place was absolutely absolutely packed, especially when ronin was playing, but thanks to gerald we got seats, yay. could even stand on them some more. lol. drinks were cheap, stella was going at 5 a bottle!

the bands: highrise was typically britrock, the songs really quite lacklusture, but the atmosphere was nice, a full sound with some chiming guitars from an es-335 (Aria), usual 4-4 stomping coldplayesque music. ronin was absolutely funny and 80s-guns-and-roses-like with their screaming antics and the showmanship of the albino frontman, really distinctive. he engaged e crowd really well. a bit 80s, though. electrico was cool. nice songs, lyke the number-one hit 'i want you'. okay so far so good.

went for supper later on and i swear all of us sure kena get fat one. everytime we go to these places we always end up at glutton square! (next to specalist's shopping centre, the makan place) we ended up just chatting and chilling and ahhh it was fun fun. im back to my crazy self again. still young, you know. cannot always lisetn to frank sinatra.

so I will take up my cross and follow You, O Lord. there's something exciting about this spiritual journey--it is a journey, not just a state of mind, there is a beginning and an end in the far-away future--it's exciting because, well, you'd never know where God is going to lead you. it's just, trusting Him and letting HIm lead. because everyday there is a struggle, but then, this spiritual journey is long and hard, it requires, determination, yes, and a spirituality, a strength; it's not just flippant hedonism or thrill-seeking, but is grounded on solid word, on people, on the Spirit, on tangible things. and it's that tangible thing that i want to find. I find that prayer is so important, especially just praying with all your heart and seeking God, because that's the only way that you'll ever really grow. praying without really meaning it is USELESS. i might as well not pray.

There was supposed to be this long post on how my life was on an upward trend, last week. the 17th. but blogger played a prank.

so well. im too lazy to type it out. mebbe later. it's 2 in the morning anywaes.

so i told myself to keep it going, but unfortunately lost the handle.

'coming down the world turned over
angels fall without you there
i go on as you get colder
or are you someone's prayer?'
-goo goo dolls, black balloon

Happiness and Depression

A friend once gave me a marvellous piece of advice; she referred me to a quote which states that it is useless to try to capture and relive moments in the past: Because every moment hinges on a combination of different feelings, it is unique, and hence cannot be captured in its entirety. So the conclusion was to live each day and enjoy it, instead of hoping for a moment in the past that I thought was happy.
And somehow I realised I can never quantify how happy a particular day in history was. Was the day I had dinner with my friends as happy as the day I enjoyed a brilliant piece of music, or saw a wonderful piece of eye-candy? One can never place a value on a moment, or a feeling. The only thing we might be able to do is to try to recall what it was like in this blog, or in diaries, (which is one reason I blog). Reliving it, sadly, no.
And so, even happiness and depression is transient. Every little day will bring about its share of happinesses and depressions. And sometimes in my depression I question if the happiness I'd felt earlier was truly real. Or, being happy, wonder how in the world I could be depressed. Are they the same me? I hope so, but I doubt it.
The worst thing is when I'm happy and I just want to crystallise the moment by ending it, so I would not dilute the intensity of that moment by the length of time, which would invariably lead to a lessening of that happiness: I always have this weird impression that a moment of euphoria and happiness is worth more than a sustained period of not-so-happiness, because the intensity is greater in that instant. And so I purposely try to get rid of that happiness, so I can savour that moment even more, precisely because it is gone. and then it is too late, when I find that depression is really bad, to go back to happiness.

Everything hinges on my insanity now.

Blogging has been such a chore; it should be fun, but then it seems like a routine. but then again, you need to update it, if not it'll seem that nothing has happened.

but of course things happen. i just don't want to blog them.

it's been really topsy-turvy, i guess. one thing i still haven't learnt, even from entering the army, is consistency. The ability, really, to just have ONE mood for one whole day and stick to it. it's always up and down, which makes for paranoia that the euphoria i feel now would be immediately submerged by feelings of loneliness and depression.

So it's time to make a change, only thing is, I don't know how.

still, the week has been fine. by 2004 NS standards, of course. The weekend was really topsy-turvy, like I mentioned earlier. Friday was pretty good: I met daryl for some catching up over pool (with justin), and it got better later on at my fren's surprise party (at his place). Of particular note was the large amount of booze and, more importantly, the people that came, which made conversation enjoyable and meaningful. Even though it might not have been very happy altogether (due to reasons unknown), it was really nice because I really felt appreciated. Appreciated with a capital A. These are people who know me, who actually value my companionship. I don't need to prove anything else to them and they already know me. So it's an ease on my shoulders. Damn I hate meeting new people.

Saturday started off very well, though i had only 4 hours sleep; I went to send vette (and later meiping) to airport with daryl and gang. it was really hilarious, all the 'shuai' and stupid RI lingo (i mean it in an affectionate way). and later went to play soccer at RI: scored a goal, but the rest of my performance was quite disastrous by my standards; hardly touched the ball, can't really get past any players, dwindling on the ball...oh well. nvm i scored a nice goal so it's okay, almost makes up for bad performance. had a tiff with my mother about punctuality but that's normal, really, for me. slept like a pig later on because of the sheer lack of sleep.

and sunday was really bad; i was stuck in the annals of depression. i dunno, but i just find it very difficult to get along with church people; it just seems that they and I are on different wavelengths, and i have to try to impress them and prove myself, which is so difficult. they're not yet in my comfort zone, which is a real worry.

monday, and it felt strange, back to camp again, back to stress, and the absence of any respite from the constant torrental fear that someone is watching your back. tuesday was better, took half day off to sleep at home before going to airport. and that was fun!! seeing daryl and gabriel off to UK; met loads of friends, the RI clerk bunch that i must definitely hang out more with, and my ac friends. felt like old times. the jokes and stuff. even if it is directed at me. hmmph. yah but it was okay. i felt good after this, really i mean. it was nice.

wednesday, and the combo band was back playing; i was stoned as usual; we spent the morning sleeping and eating in the mess. thursday, and it was a really nice feeling in the morning waking up late (took off) and travelling down bkt timah road; was a really nice feeling seeing all those trees and nice chill-out music played in my head. which was really nice. and later i go to dark old ubi and everything's ugly and grey again. i took a look around; everything's grey! no wonder my mood is grey too. later we went to eat gengkhis khan. met up with eugene, who graciously treated us. the food was good....sashimi was fresh, oysters big, and the teppanyaki nice. but it's a bit on the high side for that kinda food.

friday, and i'm sick, and hoping and praying there isn't a recall. because if there is i'm going to positively yell and scream my head off.

I'm floating so far away and so fast that the shore is now just a speck in the distance; I am waiting for angels to swoop me up, or maybe you, but you wouldn't know it.
I am waiting for deliverance, precisely because I am just too far away from home for my calls to find answers.

Sigh. There just hasn't been enough drive; perhaps in Raffles it was so competitive that it somehow forced me to find another gear; here serving National Service, everything is just so commonplace and so mundane that it is impossible to find any heights on a daily, consistent basis, (except for the weekends and off-days, of course) for me to sustain any form of emotion. The only constancy is, mondays bad, fridays good. Going to work is a chore; coming back home and I think about resting and just lazing around. You know what? I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.

I wonder what is the male equilavent of being 'swept off your feet'. It would be a rather interesting description, I'd bet.


I'll wait until the next time when life brings new things for me. Little gifts, you know, you must cherish them.

i've been having queer dreams, probably a result of too much sleep, or not enough sleep. but who cares. dreams are nice. they're even nicer if they're about nice people. yay.
(you realise this is going to be a himbo post).
was out playing at orchard today, which was so cool. just didn't feel so right, though. the atmosphere just wasn't there, the groove. oh wells. but aegyptie really rocked, man. and jamming later on brought out the extrovert in me again in ways that i'll never comprehend anymore, because army has since stifled you of all your senses and taught you to be calculative and cold and methodical, when all you really need in life is a bit more laughter and greater candour. shouting at the top of my lungs 'all the lesbians....come over here!' is simply the best panacea for the cold hard bitches in civil defence.

===

Off to London, to New York, to Paris

Fly off to different continents, to new life. You will soon be there, in far-away cities, to start living. gone are the days where you were like plants in a nursery; now it's time to be taken to the forest to truly live under the sun that shines on you. The nursery might have been safe: safety nets are always there, and here is your comfort zone of friends and family, even if it is sterile; but you weren't truly allowed to grow the way you would have liked. Now, overseas, suddenly you realise that all your life you have been living in the nursery. and now you see the world, bright, shining, with different ideas and many people with their own opinions, some of which you might not agree with. but it is there, and you live with it, and you grow, and make your own opinions about what is good and what is bad and hopefully you be stronger.

and so you will be blessed just to see something different; scenery, travel, sightseeing, interacting with students from different places, learning from professors that are pioneers in their fields, and so on. you will be blessed, because all your life you have been stuck with the same 4 million people and you realise the world has like, what, 4 billion inhabitants, and all you see is a small flake of the pie. it's not enough to satisfy your weird quirky tendencies, especially in parochial singapore. you need something bigger and better. so you go overseas. i salute you. it is great you can go.

take care. dont' feel sad about leaving singapore. don't feel sad that you wish you could take them along with you. people will come and go, and people will pass by; in the end, all us adults will have is a handful of close friends, as we get married and have childrean. most of the time we'll interact with our spouses exclusively, and organised social groups such as school will soon disappear. it'll just be individuals living their own lives, and, if we're in luck, our paths will meet; or else we might remain alien to each other till we meet possibly in heaven. So save no tears for this regret; for inevitably this will happen.

true friends will always be with you no matter where you go.

today was really eventful; i can't even begin to explain it. i think 5-day work week is a brilliant idea because then my saturdays become even more useful. at least i don't have to think, or go, to camp. or do anything with SCDF.

i mean, even the dream was eventful. i dreamt about my friend N running around in army gear and together we were there hunting out snipers and avoiding mortar bombs and grenades, etc. (Which is surprising cuz i'm never in army). and then i dreamt about how i was reading the obituary and this guy just died at 22, while studying in the uni. it was so freaky because i started worrying about my own mortality and how i'm just wasting my life away.

and the funny thing was that it was so apt because up to now i've been somewhat in the doldrums, worrying about stupid things that will bear no real significance to my life, and not allowing the good things in life to come to me. and living for now, partying, not caring about God, or my eternal purpose in life. i mean i knew he was there but somehow i didn't feel the need to go to him. which was bad. but things change in a short while.

doing quiet time and the passage was again apt; it was about the brevity of life! (note how that links to the dream) and about how we are all grass (psalms 90) and will be forgotten soon. so the message is, to live for God, to store up treasure in heaven. and you can't live for two things, for they will surely conflict; to live for God is to stop living for yourself.

and it ended full circle with the saturday evening service worship, which was really nice and made me think about good things again and how it's important to live life to the fullest, and you can't have too much of good things. worshipping God was great. you just feel thanksgiving. just pure thanksgiving. the message was on missions; i think i can be a good bible study teacher, so maybe. why not. haha. maybe in the future. grins. yeah so now it's full circle; after the coming back to God, it's the, send me part.

and later on at candice's place for her farewell it was not bad too! met up with some old friends, chatted around, mixed a bit, sat with the 1b pple, went to booths' pub with 1c. pretty fun. ahhh i miss those days.

so people are flying off which is so sad but i'm happy for them because they'll be able to see new things and a great big world out there.

Here's something that always puzzled me; why do nice guys finish last? anyway here's a really apt article about it which a friend passed on to me for my reading pleasure.

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honour of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honour of the guys with open minds,with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honour of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favour cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we’re just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warmbody for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he’s too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathise and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do(I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realise they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys.You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker fora pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

The sound of an immensely well-tuned piano is absolutely wonderful. The notes actually gel and dont' feel like a pain to my ears. it's like, i expect this note to be sounded, and that's what I actually get when i play the note. you can finally hear the changes in the bass note, from a D to a C# and C for example. there's a sense of feeling, almost ethereal, a bit oriental and a bit irish, actually.
yay. thank God for a proper-ly tuned piano..


on a sour note, though, work is becoming unbearable. if i were to write a formal critque, here goes.

1. The problem with SCDF is that their officers are, really, inept, for wont of a better word. Why are they inept?

a) They don't know how to treat NSF in order to get the best results.

Anyone with common sense will realise that, if you treat your subordinates well, they would be more willing to do better work. It's the incentive system. You treat them well, they respect you, they are more willing to earn your favour by doing good work. treat them badly, and all you get is just-on-time work, delayed work, etc. and never-anything-more. They even fail to comprehend that ultimatums and pressure would be more useful if officers are usually nice, and hence the difference is even greater.

b) They do extra things.

For example, for the WITs, they can just waste our time by doing stupid things, extra things such as refiling the cabinets in the docket according to alphabetical order so that they can fulfill their WITS (suggestions scheme) requirements. it's like suggesting we change the colour of the dustbin to fit the colour scheme and then getting NSF (like me) to paint the dustbin.

c) They dont' explain what they are doing.

Most of the time, though, they explain so badly that it is better if they dont' explain at all.

d) They put pressure for the sake of doing so

It is as though wearing the 3 bars means that there is a minimum pressure quota that officers have to fill. I don't see why they just can't live for good things. i mean, it is a really warped person who would find pleasure in making others feel lousy about themselves. too bad, we've got lots of them in SCDF.

e) All they do is to try to please their superiors

They do so without even knowing that their superiors aren't stupid. Don't they realise that superiors know if they are 'angkatting'(carrying), and might see them as being weak-minded, having little capability of their own, etc? there is a fine line between being respectful, mindful of the superior's wishes, trying to see to their needs and wants, and fawning all over them, going out of their way to try to please them.

So it is no wonder we don't get the Singapore Quality Award.

Had so much fun over this weekend! On friday met jing to eat xiao long bao and walk around in kino; checked out a great songwriter's book/guide; talked and walked some more; on saturday it was 2 great parties; wow, really feels like JC again, i haven't met some of these people for countless eons! was nice talkin to some dance pple, humans pple, et al....was really cool... hmms. it was so fun, it's like, the music is relegated to the background and i am just so involved in what people are saying, there's no more like' oh this sucks' and 'this is crap'. positivity!!!
yay

hmms. during worship today all i could think of was, it's His grace that has set us free from sin, let us offer our thanksgiving to Him!
'we enter His gates with thanksgiving in our hearts, we enter His courts with praise'....yay!! giving thanks is so important because it shows we appreciate Him and what He has done.

Things have been quite in limbo, but they're on the upward mend now. Was doing quiet time during lunch time and really like peering into the meanings of the Word of God, which really has so many layers that you understand what it means to see but not understand. it's only when you peel every word apart and realise the significance and connotations, and the sheer weight of every word, can you actually start to comprehend its full meaning. it is that profound, while looking deceptively simple at the same time. yes. the chapter was john 15, about how we must obey God's commandments if we love him, so we may abide in His love and that our joy may be full.
so yay. that's a good start. Jesus is my best friend now and that's a wonderful thing. it's like, you can sense his presence soemtimes.
i hope my friend/colleague comes to church. it'll be good for him. yay...

the reason i've been down is really because of a lack of sleep, i guess. nothing's worse than that. you get real paranoid, and the positivity and JOY that was once me is all gone. army makes it worse. i decided i'm not going to let 18 years of positive thinking and joy be taken away completely by just 2 years of dratty national service; i'm much better than that. i figured i'm going to tide out the time by just being positive and looking to see how i can imbue some of that positivity to others instead of letting myself be destroyed by all the cynicism about life and all the rank hierachy and so on. it'll be a shame if i did.

in music it's the same. there's just so much manufactured music in the world today that i feel a mission and a burning drive to bring some joy of music into the world and hopefully into the charts. so let me start now. it's not the same anymore. we're writing songs again, aren't we. we used to be paranoid about melody but in the end it's again the rhythms and the spirit as well, isn't it. i was reading some guide, which was quite useful.

went out today again. hmms. had really nice siao long bao which was really nice. haha.

this is starting to sound himbo that....hmms....

--

i happend to flip through a book in kino written by a singaporean about the difference between western culture and chinese culture. about how westerners are more egalitarian, there is a greater emphasis on the individual, while chinese culture is more hierarchal, and how there is an emphasis on society more, and keeping that harmony, which means that people are more or less stuck in their place; the only way out, henceforth, is to attain wealth, in order to move up the social ladder, which would explain the obsession with cars, condos, etc. you know. on the contrary, westerners also try to attain that dream, but in the end their self-worth is based on an intrinstic notion of their own worth, instead of how others view them, which is quite the case in chinese culture.
hmms. i don't know how much of that is true, but in camp it seems like material wealth and money is indeed very important for many. maybe it's because of their background, which really proves the 'hierachy of needs' theories are true and accurate; we can only really start to talk about all the other things if your basic needs are met, right? but somehow they're the little people of ravaloe once again.
for me, many people have asked, how come i'm so 'jia kantang', but i really can't help it. it's the people i grew up with, the things that i've learnt, the books i read, the music i listen to, everything's so englified that it would be a complete paradigm shift for me to suddenly start becoming chinese all over again, it's as though i'd need to be reborn and start all over again reading manga and all to actually understand what a chinese would actually think, or feel. so up till now i am still completely englified. I can say that, without any ashamedness whatsoever of my lack of chineseness in my ever-yellow skin. sorry, but acsi and actually even religion, the fact that i'm a Christian, and hence believe in Christian values, have somewhat made this alignment rather inevitable.

marmalade pantry rocks. had the apple crumble but my friend's toffee thign was really really nice. so sweet and with a nice aftertaste. nice conversation. the ambience is really nice man. perfect place to bring ur date, you could stay there forever man. songs floated in and the mood was almost dreamy.
and i was startled to learn things. but it was really interesting.

for the songwriter, the unavoidable truth is: it comes to you when you aren't looking for it, when you're thinking about anything other than actually writing a song. think abt drugs, sex, the good life, anything, and it'll come. look for it and it disappears. how transient is our mind.

so today was actually a good day. hmms. positivity. that's the attitude i'll bring.

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

So I was the other week> last week if I remember correctly. just too caught up with creating a nice song, writing a chorus, thinking about music too much. argh. it really sucks. it's much better now i guess. maybe because my perspective is getting better. i'm not being shallow and superficial anymore. i am back to living and being someone, active rather than being passive.

and i love travis. and i think 'everytime' by britney is actually a nice song. really nice. sigh.

just got back from a friend's concert. not bad not bad. some really skilful violinists especially at the end of the first set and the second set of bach was really nicely done. familiar piece but done nicely.... the teacher must be really proud of them. went to stomp wif sheng on DDR. haha. i lost. but who cares. good exercise. im getting fat.

i'm going to live for God. read ephesians 2 and how we were 'created to do good works'. so here goes. and we sang 'make me a blessing' in church today which was really nice because yeah i want to be a blessing. write christian songs. live for God. tell people about God.

i will not boast in my intelligences, because they are fleeting and they pass by like the wind. i will not boast in my looks, because they (are non existent) are transient. I will not boast in my gifts, because they can be taken away in a jiffy and are inconsistent--sometimes they are here and soemtimes they are not, and so what do I do when they are not? i will not boast in people, for people come and go. 'But i will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection'.

hows life these days?

life is not bad. in fact the past 3 days were actually quite good. friday i took off and just hanged out and slept till real late. went to play pool with ben and ws and later i and jerm hit off to town to catch 'house of flying daggers', which wasn't really good at all. and later we went to kino to look see and i got a book, 'one hundred years of solitude' by gabriel garcia marquez. seems an interesting read, wen en recommends it. so yeah i'll just occupy myself with reading i guess.
saturday was realyl fun also. played guitars and jammed with darren at his house which was really nice...haven't done that for ages and brings back memories of just hanging out at his house almost every week or something during the hols. fun fun fun. played some pool. went for wen siang's birthday party! COOL. nice to see everyone again. i was really stoned at the start, really tired, and maybe because of the wine, and everything was army talk, but later on the night got really fun with daniel and his antics and hanging around in kevin's room. that was sheer primary-secondary school boys' night out pleasure.

and keane's 'somewhere only we know' is great, i hasten to add.

i realised that alot of my songs are sad. i don't know why. it's probably because i'm usually quite happy-go-lucky that it has become my modus vivendi, and so when sadness and a little bit of melancholy come my way, i can crystallise it into a song, a tune, a mood. but how do you crystallise something that you already know too well? it's too familiar, this party. you can't express it. it's no different. it won't transport you.

but hello. how's life? life is much better and i'm thankful for that.

I think I am truly incapable of feeling true human emotion and human connection. I am incapable of connection.

I don't know why.
But this insecurity is killing me. This paranoia that people are just sweet-mouthing each other, when really they hardly mean what they say.

They can say 'your'e so nice' but it really means something else.

okay i must stop this because i always do something stupid and yah it sucks arggghhhh

Things are in limbo yet again, aren't they....

they always are.

Funerals are just very weird, interesting, things. it's like, why does it take a funeral, or a death, for people to realise the importance of living everyday to the best you can, knowing that life is short, a wisp, a little breath, and then we pass away. and there's no turning back, no room for regrets, no space to say 'i should have done this', or 'i should have done that'; it's all useless, all wasted.
so isn't it more important to live according to your principles and love everyday because you know that once you don't, even regret will not save that day from being a waste.
 
hmm.

so how's life from last time, hmms let me think, i don't know for sure. i'm sure things were fine, they usually are.
 
had a nice dinner party at colin's house last saturday. met up with an old friend, had an interesting time talking about situational puzzles. played lots of good tennis on sunday with chris. sigh. but wasted, i should have gone to BAYBEATS!
 
everyone said it was so funky.
sheesh.
wasted.
 
 
my life.
hmms.s..
 

Bad news. never mind what it is, just bad.

it is just providence, really. somehow, at this stage of our lives, we are so influenced by MTV and the pop media about living your life to the fullest we forget that it's God's purpose that really counts, and not your own. you can't choose God's purpose for you, you weren't even born when he decided why HE placed you on this earth, and it is for HIS pleasure not yours. not mine. somehow i think deep down inside we knew what purpose he's called us for, but maybe we don't really listen and further that purpose to see whether it is really that way, we just treat it as the passing wind.
and it's not the way i should be living my life, is it.

nothing on earth comes from ourselves. it's all providence. our talents, our life, friends, our family, everything, all we ever needed or made us happy was from God, and somehow i just want to be thankful and proclaim thanks and how he's blessed me. i gotta realise that because God loves me, I need to proclaim that love to others, not as an obligation but because i am so inspired and so touched by God's love that i should share it.

now as i wake up i should pray that all things will be well. i daily put my trust in You, O Lord. and i shall not confuse the gifts with the giver, because it is You who has given me life,and the gifts, and I just want to praise You.


and as i watched spiderman, i realised you can be young and still make an impact on the world. i'm already old enough. i should stop kidding myself that i am young and time can still wait for me. then when will i stop thinking like that? at what age should i grow up and do something good to the world, or something that God wants me to do? how old was David when he killed goliath? i'm never too young to do anything.

so i should be consisent about my life, consistent all the time to God's plan. and what God wants.

Had a good time today. played tennis with ben at his new condo, which he said was white when it was really maroon=), and was fun....went shopping and got a top. topman. okay, nice design i guess

am starting on a new book, rick warren's 'a purpose driven life'. i don't know. i guess i'm sort of in limbo as to what God wants me to do. the priorities were wrong, and all that. whatever. it doesnt' matter. i'll put away the OLD and the selfishness of living for myself and start again living for YOU. It's okay. better late than never. so i'm on to the first chapter. wonder what the rest will bring.

so what i've learnt is;
1. it's not about me, but about you - my life is not about myself, but fulfilling what you desired for me, what your purpose is.
2. you know me better than i know myself -- so i will trust in you and wait on you because you know better.
3. life has no meaning living for myself, but it has living for you --
self explainatory.

onward to a new future.

It's really a blessing in disguise to have to do phone KP duty (in the afternoons, during lunch), because it means that, when others are gone from the office and all, i can have really long, quiet, quality time with God and do my quiet time then, which will allow me to walk better with Him, when i need to be strong in Him to be a good testimony and to help me walk right and find peace/joy/true love. because this is my destiny. i cannot help but want to seek my Maker, for it is the source and goal. it is a 'zero', the base, just as any building has a base, so my base is God.
it is as simple as that. we can build our nice buildings on top of each other, and all, but if the base isn't right, everything falls. everything.

daily i surrender to you, everyday. take my life and let it be songs of praise to you O lord.

let it be.

I just had one of the weirdest dreams. I dreamt i went back to RJC.

and..

1. i met my class girls, sitting by a canteen table cutting cake. i wonder why. they called me.

2. i met X, whom I have never talked to before, in my life. it was funny because X just came up to me and we just started talking. a pretty good conversation. the funny thing is, i didnt' even realise I was talking to X for the first time, and after a while did it spring to mind. i became more self-conscious after that. everyone else sang happy birthday to X and X looked pleased, and i didn't realise and only got to wish X happy birthday after that. tehre was a big cake for X.

3. I went around looking for Z, but to no avail. because there was some event which required help or something (or maybe Z was just avoiding me)

4. There was free food buffet-style so i grabbed some.

5. I think, somehow, I must be mad.

I've been having so many weird dreams recently. i even dreamt my scdf band mates were in a computer game i was playing.

help i need help. lol

I'm taking off tomorrow to watch holland v portugal. the match's coming up in a few minutes time ooh i can't wait it's my first euro 2004 match btw. how sad is that, army boy.

but it better be good, i am dying for it to be good.

i just realised that, at night, your mind is a mess and your hair is flimsy and everything's blurry and you feel almost drug-induced. but maybe it's just me. it's a crazy world.

you'll never know what's coming.

------------------

WHY is it that people in society bond with their own kind? or like, in camp, it seems easier to talk to people from the same educational backgrounds and so on? before people start accusing me of being elitist and snobbish and so on, let me explain that it is not my intention; in fact i am questioning why such things still happen even when i deliberately make it a point to be conscious about that image i might give.

i do not think it is that people deliberately refuse to mix with people from above them, or below them, but probably because they are incapable of doing so, or do not find it comfortable to do so. for one, interests are different. because society shapes the interests of people, we are more likely to be interested in the same things as others who are part of the same sector of society. furthermore, it is a comfort zone, i guess, because we are always connected with our past.


you realise this can be extrapolated to the whole of singapore rite. and to the whole of the world.

When we were young we thought we could conquer the world. So I thought of big plans, and what i could do, but it is now distant, and i am left to rue the paths that i did not follow. what would i be if i had taken them? only God knows. but it seems as though i've lost that inner joy that was in me to become who i am and who i want to be. that inner joy that stems not from things but from God and from a knowledge that 'i can do anything through Christ who gives me strength'. So somehow that is lost and i remain, passive, sedated, waiting for life to bless me and hurt me, rather than being in control of my own destiny. that's the way shawn has been. maybe it's because of disappointment, maybe it's a disorientation, but somehow i'm not the same anymore.

And now the world rushes by, and too few are the things that I have done, which I had wanted to do; time moves on, unable to turn itself back ; gone are the opportunities i once had to fully live my 12th year, or my 18th, for that matter. because, as people say, we are unable to fully live life until we realise how there's no turning back. 'youth is wasted on the young'.

And so i remain a silent observer of life. Unable to join in the game anymore, sitting there, observing how everything moves and how people enjoy and how they interact. and all i do is to explain what is happening when i really wanted to be back in it.

----

i just realised that the difference between Christians and non-Christians is that, for Christians, they can never be truly happy away from God, nor can they be truly sad with God. happiness, after all, is God. deep down, it is.

I just had the weirdest of dreams yesterday.
I dreamt that there was this girl (okay don't ask who it is) who was sitting in some large hall and I was trying to get her attention but then, she never did, for once, look at me! like, i saw many girls sitting around, and she sat at the back row center next to another and I was staring all around but somehow she was content to look elsewhere. sigh i'm a failure. maybe it's a sign of something lah.

and there was another girl, and i remembered i tickled her ear and everyone was looking at me lik what's his problem.

okay i must seek psychatric help. i think i need it....must be army ah.

One word: I love the acoustics in the Esplanade Concert Hall. Beautiful. You hear the sound of silence, the ringing tone that comes after all is still. And in that stillness of air, you hear beautiful melodies and rounded harmonies.
That's cool for you.


---

Having too high expectations of life really sucks, personally. I guess because I've enjoyed lots of highs and fun, especially with good friends from last time, being involved in all of that, I'd tend to expect the same things now. I tend to expect that every outing, or talk, we'll have would be one with some form of meaning, some form of deep connection, not just a mundane tete-a-tete that means absolutely nothing. But no, I cannot expect that. i must not. Expecting that only means that when it doesn't happen I become insecure and start questioning my whole existence and how come it doesn't really happen.when all you get is 'friendly his and simple goodbyes' (from 'i cannot expect). maybe that's why i prefer the company of girls sometimes, because guys often find it difficult to express their emotions. i can't blame them. but sometimes it gets too much when all they speak of is National Service and guns and all that. i mean, yeah everyone is in Army now, and maybe i'll never understand this, but, dont' you find it a bit more sian when you're OUT of army and you still wish you're BACK IN it from the way you talk?
i'll never understand it. but even when boys were not in NS i could never really understand what they were actually feeling at the moment, or if they were feeling anything. because most of the times boys think, they dont' feel. at least they try to keep an objective logical stance on any issue which really irks me because i believe that no stance is truly logical or objective anyway. so...

(oh btw i love bloggging. i feel much better after that. it certainly helps you to straighten out your thoughts because sometimes all you need to do is write)

so that's why going out with girls are betta! girls, you can talk to, they enjoy and understand emotions much more, and they try to blend in rather than wanting their own way, at least in the general sense that's the impression i get. i mean, head-strength is a masculine quality, while acqueisence a female one, isn't it.


but i really know it's all God's will and sometimes that's all I need to know.

People just need to relax. Not to the stage when everything is left on the shelf and life becomes a struggle to finish work; but just enough so that things are completed and yet stress is reduced to a minimum.

One must see it this way.

There are so many hours to do work. And yet the work isn't that much. It's still so manageable. Just do your share, go home, and be happy. we can all be friends. what's with all the bickering and the blaming of each other?

Mistakes will be made, for we are human. we are not God. and the right attitude to take with regards to them is to relax and enjoy the mistakes and ensure they aren't repeated.

because. it's scary to be too good. i wonder how human you really are. we should strive for efficiency but please don't take away our human emotions or love for each other.


---

and if you read these blogs, i don't think anyone will know what it is all about.

but neither do i.

i'm rambling, but that's good, because things are more honest.

----

like Sarah said on her blog, hillsongs is really good, and yeah i also remember what darlene said about 'it's not a pretty melody, it's my heart, and my life'. the problem about pretty melodies is that it detracts you from God, because you're so focussed on the melody you forget about who the melody is for. so more important is to focus on God, and if the melody wants to come then let it come.
and i really liked the 'walk humbly, be kind and compassionate' part, too...
hmms

----

the commentary on Ronald Reagan in Time Magazine was stirring in one phrase, that which mentioned his belief that God has a plan for him and all he wants to do is to follow that plan. such faith is so wonderful and such an inspiration. i mean, things happen for a reason. and perhaps the reason why things don't happen the ideal way is because, well, i wasn't made for it. and if i'm not made for it and God doesn't want it then who am I to say I want it?

this is so confusing, isn't it.

you don't get it. but sometimes you can't have it. because if you have it then you won't actually enjoy it, because it doesn't fit your life.

okay so it really isn't it.

hmms.

okay well, so it takes a j1 to realise this: (taken from my junior junior class's blog)

"the people who get the most down are so down probably because their sense of self-worth is measured by evidence of their achievements, i.e. medals and grades and thingys you win etc. or how you look on paper. and so now they can't be at the top they feel like failures. but this is fundamentally wrong cos self-worth should be based on uh. other things i guess. as in. what other things would vary from person to person but i don't exactly think the most important thing in anyone's life should be achievement in terms of winning things. cos thats basically a selfish way to live and even though okay, man is basically selfish we can try not to be can't we? and give life some slightly nobler purpose? and if you try to think this way after some time things may start looking up. like you start living for friends or for cca or for lessons etc. just appreciating these things in themselves. and you set goals and try hard for those goals but you stop trying to win everything. and life gets peachier and rosier =]"

what pearls of wisdom. Such people, who can see beyond their achievements and the immediate and have confidence in themselves because of who they ARE and not what they DO, are hard to come by. especially in rj. if only people'd learnt earlier and not waste their lives fighting for useless futile things, maybe we'd all learn to love a little more.

sounds like trite to you, but then, life is a wonderful journey and the negative things that come my way don't deserve to spoil my fun. i am, optimistically buoyant about my future, and that's how it's meant to be. thank you!

urm. yups. i don't know. should i be a lawyer?? i must pray. hmms. i odn't think so, though. how do u be a Christian and be a lawyer at the same time? as purvis says, are they 'parascites on crime?' so how? so how? hmms. must pray.

Just went for FOP(festival of praise) yesterday; it was a wonderful praise session just worshiping God with so many other Christians and it was great because it was total; we worshipped from the bottom of our hearts, putting away all distractions as unimportant in the splendour of praise and worship, and it was with all our hearts. and so i want to thank God for that chance to be there, and for the uplifting and the chance to dedicate my life wholly to you again. thank you.

i wrote quite alot of christian songs after that. it's great to write christian music, very uplifting and well i don't know, it's like, just some things i want to say ,right.


hmms. i miss my friends too.

On Music

Music is such a high art form that it takes years of training and immersion to simply touch its surface and understand a bit of its concepts and ideas. Here I shall try to make sense of what is known as ‘Tempo’, after reading a wonderful book in the Esplanade library on the subject.

Tempo
The tempo referred to here is not simply the rhythm, whether it is jagged, syncopated, etc., but the pulse, how fast it is when you count the beats, 1-2-3-4, is it fast or slow. This element is often neglected among performers and listeners, but it plays a very important and elementary role in determining the mood and feel and the entire makeup of the song. The correct tempo should be one that allows the song’s melodies to be eminently singable, not too draggy so that the melodies all fall apart to become individual notes (because the sense of rhythm (and I mean rhythm, not tempo) is lost as a result), and not too fast so that one is hardly able to ‘hear’ the note itself cleanly, which is bad as well. Hence it is probably more accurate to state that there are a range of tempi that a song can be played, and this range varies from a very small window, perhaps for some rock songs or dance tracks when the tempo itself is crucial in adding to the feel of the song, to jazz standards etc when there is probably a looser sense of rhythm that allows performers greater flexibility.
It is not necessarily true that tempo is always decided by mood (happy songs=fast, sad songs=slow), but the greater determinant is the melody in itself, as singled out earlier, but the shape and form of the melody itself. For instance, ‘moon river’ has a large expansive shape, consisting of a perfect 5th up (which is characteristic), and slowly leading stepwards down to the 4th and up again to the 5th in seconds. Because of this large expansive shape being the characteristic of the song, it is only natural that the tempo allows for this broadness, this expansiveness, symbolized by perhaps a grand in-out movement of the arms. On the other hand, a song like ‘Happy together’ will become stifling and boring if it were to be in the same tempo as ‘Moon River’. The verse is rather rhythmic (stop start), and the melody is rather narrow, consisting mainly of seconds, in a descending sequence, and hence the tempo is more edgy and fluid (gets on with it) so as to convey that unique rhythm that characterizes the song. Furthermore, the part ‘I do’, which is on the off-beat, is to be sung in a tone which convinces the listener(the girl) that he actually does ‘imagine me and you’, and hence it has to be rather fast, because the style is one of a man trying to both express his emotions, because deep down he is romantic and feels for her, and wants to hide it, being a little afraid of an unfavourable reaction from her. So hence the mumble ‘I do’. Moreover, the part ‘I can’t see me loving nobody but you’ is to be joyous and exclamatory, a outpouring statement of love and devotion, and hence it is delivered almost anthemically and with a vigour that is conveyed in the tempo of straight beats that are almost martial.
I shall continue more next time. If any of you are playing in a band, this is really important—too many times have I heard young kids, especially, play piano too fast, or old men play too slowly. It is not how fast or how slow you can move your fingers, but how tempi affects listening, that’s the key.

God, in His infinite mercy, gave me the opportunity yesterday (Sunday) to turn back and follow Him as a disciple. And how can I not take up that wonderful offer? May You be the center of my life. It is not, God is up there, I am down here, I am communicating, but, God is in me and I am just in Him and everything i have is flowing through Him and He controls it.

The service in the morning was really cool. Thanks to God, somehow all of us played well; somehow God's calming presence enabled us to all play in time, and for once our drummer was cool!! yay! i mean we struggled so much during rehearsals that when it was so good in the real thing it is all up to God's grace and even Uncle Sam was quite surprised we managed to do it. The message was really good. Pastor Daniel showed us 2 pictures; one of a formed Paul and Peter (all scupltures by Michaelangelo), and one of the unformed Matthew, with only his torso formed but the rest still stuck in cement, and challenged all of us not to be like this Matthew, who has started his spiritual journey but in the end lies stagnant, never finishing the race that he has run. I don't want to do that. I want to grow, to bear fruit, to know YOu more to draw closer to You and all that; just to learn a bit more everyday. I dedicate my whole life to You please just use me.
And later on during worship at night it was a wonderful elated experience within me that praised God through the songs we were singing and I was just there prayerful and bowing and talking to Him from the bottom of my soul. it has to be this; prayer must be deep, 'deep calls to deep'. And later on I was just happy, i don't know why.

Just came back from ACJC choir concert. those people can really sing, though I'd rather they pitch better.

Be strong in the Lord, please be. Somehow I know God has made you strong for this day when you are able to look to Him and let Him enfold you in His arms, in the midst of all the memories and the feelings and emotions that well up inside.
I know that, my friend. please take care.

'This world is not my home, I'm just a-passing through. My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue'

-for a friend-


--
Life's rollercoaster of ups and downs never seems to end, and it's interesting how everything comes and everything goes in an instance. It was like, I was so happy I got accepted into law, because it was so competitive; the next day I fell sick with a horrible flu. And then like last thursday or friday music just seemed to flow through me, I could hear very well again, could write songs, sing well, in pitch, and everything. Full swing 180 deg back to today, so tired, outta sync, my playing in church was so off.

I have to realise that life brings surprises and new experiences each day and I have to cherish these experiences because they are oh so precious and your life is determined somewhat by them. Cherish them i will, I will.

--
She is so pretty. sigh. (okay nothing nothing)

--
life is unfair
--

I am probably fortunate to be in SSU (my dept) because everyone is happy and friendly to each other. But that is also our biggest curse, precisely because I value honesty. And I can't imagine why everyone can be happy everytime. Sometimes when people are angry and frustrated, it's only human to show it, and when it is hidden under a veneer of happy smiles, it frustrates me, because there isn't any real emotion then. People aren't people anymore. What I like is for people to express themselves naturally in front of others, instead of being a person who simply fakes everything for the sake of preserving his image. I don't care about mine; LOL; i just live. i do not find it glorious to be the most happening, most hip guy around. all i want to do is to live according to my principles, be in close touch with God and with the people I love, and then live true to myself. that's all i ask for, man.

one of the greatest problems about NS is that it distorts the mind and destroys everything that was unique about the individual for the sake of harmonious uniformity and cohesive team spirit, esprit de corps they call it. and so how do they do it? they try to make everyone carbon copies of each other, human robots, eschewing human difference for the sake of efficiency and speed. and you wonder why governments complain about people's lack of creativity. it is precisely because of this. to be different, to slack, to be lazy, even to rebel, is all part of us that allows us to move away from the accepted line of action, and that's when creative paths can be formed. unfortunately, NS doesn't allow such privileges, and so how do you expect that from our men? i do not even want to speak of the social alienations NS creates; maybe after 2 and a half years they'll have forgotten how to speak to girls.
seriously, if robots weren't totally nullified by EMPs, we could scrap NS altogether and have robot soldiers instead. now we have soldiers masquerading as robots.

Of Roses and Thorns

Life's journey is littered with thorns. Occassionally there'll be roses, but you really have to find them. People struggle to meet end's meet, feed their families. Life is hard. Yet those who can find their roses among the thorns and build little beds for these roses to grow in their lives are the ultimate winners in life. You have to grow them yourself because there isnt' enough roses to go around.

I need direction, somehow...

And stability

and consistency.

But ultimately the people who I will respect with all my heart are those who will live their life enduring everything the world will throw at them, be it the pains of OCS or heartbreak, etc, and still have it in their hearts to love others and wanting the best for them. and in the end who will be left?

i will respect them. sir. *salute*.

Epic movies serve to make me feel how insignificant I am in the whole scheme of things; our lives come and they go like the wind, and years from now, who will remember our name? It makes me appreciate how much God loves me, for He is ruler of heaven and earth, and of all the lands and of all the peoples and of the ancient times to the ends of this age, and yet He cares about me. I feel privileged, and how can I take this for granted? Please don't let me; I feel scared to let go--let me cling on for as long as I live. like how the troy priestesses worshipped their gods, whom they never saw; how much more should I love and worship You O God. so many times we take You for granted and let me start afresh by realising that you have plans for me, and how can you work if i don't let You, let You take control, and involve you into my everyday and my everynight?

i need help. lalala.

I have to apologise for my behaviour in life. For not being present, being there for people, and remaining detached and aloof in front of them, not bringing them into my life and opening up my world to them, not being interested in them, for that matter. Not being interested in their life and all that. So I guess it's no one's fault if I'm just cut off from the world, alienated, and when all i get is hies and friendly goodbyes. You deserve what you get, I deserve mine. I realised I'm not the good friend I once was, last time, caught up in too many things, in trying to get the most out of the good time you have because you really don't have any time left after all that studying in JC (RJC stifles you, it really does), and then you get hard-up and all that, and you care too much about yourself and not enough for others.

crap man I have to change.

Wen en was right when he said that i was spreading myself too thin. because I wasn't investing in people, no one invested in me. No one's interested in whether I get into SMU or what university or how my future will be. or who I'm dating, (Which is no one, incidentally). No one really cares, why, because maybe I didn't care too much about them, I wasn’t interested. I didn’t allow them to come into my world and share the moments with me. So what can I say but, sucks to myself. Spreading myself too thin is that result. Lots of little friends, but gone are the bosom friends I once had.

I know I still care for them. I just don’t express it very well. But I’ll be there, even in the moody times. Things go so wrong, but I’ll be there. I think about these things sometime, but few people really think nowadays, do they. We used to, once, like when you were 13 and 14 and just growing up and discovering life together and all the wonderful things together, playing soccer, laughing, why.

now they dont' call you out to talk over coffee. it's just, okay let's go pubbing or watch a movie. no, i haven't watched a movie in ages also, maybe because there isn't anyone to watch with.

i dread saturdays because of that. because no guy in his right mind puts me as a 'first option'. i am usually the last option.

i am speaking honestly, by the way.

no one calls me so i am lonely. isolated. i hate saturdays. oh i said that already.



i used to have solid groups of friends that were close and we'll all get together and talk about life and everything was fun and all that. but people get girlfriends and boyfriends and they're stuck in camp and have their own groups of friends. tis the problem with going to RJ. you haven't moved on, but they have (the ac people). they've moved on so far to new worlds that you'd only wish you'd have.

and so i wait for better things and better hopes for the future. there's still some confidence in me that i can do it. i can make it this time. because i can turn it on and then things will be better. i'll be the life of the party again.


i wrote a song. songs like that, are genuine.

good night.

I think the reason why I'm never close to any social group is because i think i get bored really easily, and most of the time groups that I want to be in are either 1. too wild for my parent's liking, or 2. too tame for my liking. you realise there is only a small bandwidth of groups that are in the middle. and so far i haven't found it yet.

you know, parents just play such a big role: it's the reason why i never really go clubbing, because they just keep such a big eye on you. and they just dont' realise, yhey man, i'm 19, what do you treat me for? damn, why i can't i just start work now???

don't ever go bar celona. what a dumb name. lousy music. etc. outta tune, wrong tempo, no liveliness. i could play betta in my bedroom, man.... hmms. i hoep zhu do't get too upset coz it was her suggestion but nvm its okay every thing has the first time lah...

but i am going to rave about vocal exploits that happened yesterday night, for it was really fantastic. the first part was really nice, i loved 'lonesome road' and some of the experimental atonalistic pieces, which was really cool, because the sounds of the harmonies were nice. hmms. seldom do i hear real music nowadays with all the pop trash going on about. and furthermore, later on valerie's voice was really outstanding (i think that's her name), the fringe concert, and punch was brilliant, wonderfully entertaining, with their cornee lame jokes and stupid actions which made it so hilarious just to watch. haha. i can still remember their elephants and their baboons in 'lion sleeps tonight'. grins. oh well, more about that.

it's so romantic, fullerton hotel and the river. what was really nice, though, was just the atmosphere, that you have fun doing something you love, and you show it out.
that's what's important.

Haven't blogged for a long time. went for my law interview, on friday, and had a good time after that, shopping with jerald, etc., going to brewerz for some beers, going to sentosa on saturday for some talking and some beach games eg. frisbee. So sick after that, but it was a fun weekend. could be better, though.

i have to OBEY GOD. today's quiet time subject was about how, if we love God, we will keep His commandments and obey Him. I can't agree more. it says 'it's not a warm feeling or a belief', but its obedience....sure. it is. because if He is our master, then the only way we show we love Him is to obey Him. it's just like the way we love our parents is to obey them, no?

hmm. i should do that more.

i've been so bubbly and smiley and talkative, which is good, i guess. i miss that energy. sigh. it seems like only once i get my brain working, which takes incredibly long, can i get into a nice funk to enjoy myself. why's that. haha.

and songs are inevitably linked to images.

and i love 'someone to watch over me'.

Speaking of that, here is my review of American Idol.

1. Diana DeGarmo
Absolutely superb. sure, she doesn't look too good, a bit on the plump side, but man she can sing. someone to watch over me was done in a nice pure way, for a 16 year old that sure is great--it wasn't as rounded/full of that warmth as you'd expect from someone like ella fitzgerald, but it had a nice pureness that came from singing naturally without the vibrato. but the second song really pushed the limits, and beat the competition away. why? because firstly, it was so lively, and her voice just flutted with the melody effortlessly, it was just pitch perfect, seriously. it was, like, so agile, and so fresh. wonderful. judy garland, wasn't it. and also the image: a nice little girl one, which was pretty cool for her. moreover, she impresses with her honesty. in front of everyone, she has no airs, she just speaks with a nice fresh tone, is cheery and bubbly, and takes criticism so well...she deserves to be american idol 3.

2. George Huff
First song, from Top Hat, only amateurish. the song was good, funky, nice and swingy, but maybe the voice just failed to stir, coz it was just so low, and sometimes it seemed as though he was struggling with the notes a little bit. and like he can't talk properly issit. make no mistake, coz i like huff, but i think sometimes the antics are getting too fake, and it's time there's a bit of sad emotion coming through, some realistic little human connectiveness that'll make him a star. but the songs were nice. i wonder what they were. hmm. what a wonderful world, and then the top hat song.

3. Latoya London
Hard to follow after Diana, but surely this was lousy. she looked like a chicken popping her head in and out. the voice was not bad, a bit strained, perhaps? but a lack of personality, maybe. i just can't feel it, i dont' know why. but i guess you can't just strain to hit the high notes all the time. she was better last time, i believe? i haven't heard the judges yes but that's what i think. oh no the judges just gave her a ten outta ten. haha for once i dont' agree with cowell. okay it was a great broadway performance tho. i'll have to give her that.

4. Jasmine Trias.
Kena slammed for being 'unexciting'. sure, but the appeal's still there. sweet girl appeal, isn't it. the first song was really great, i think 'the way you look tonight' really benefited from a warm rendition. the tone was really beautiful, lilting, melodious, beautiful, warm...and the second song was not bad, she rocked. the dress was nice. okay pleasant. but really i think at this stage pleasant is still enough to progress (note ms fantasia)

5. Fantasia Barrino
great performance. nice song. it was quite brilliant actually. there was some emotion there. i din really like her before but okay this one was good

this is in order of performance, btw.