For it is by grace that you have been saved, not by works, so that no man may boast.

Whether we like it or not, care to admit it or not, humans have a tendency to want and love to boast. We love to blow our trumpet, to make ourselves seem more superior to someone else, to make ourselves seem more...godly, as though doing something good will enable us to earn more favour with God. For me I have to say this has been something that has plagued me quite a bit, in always trying to earn God's favour, in always trying to win him over by doing some good works or more. I guess it's partly the Singaporean culture or the Confucian nature of the patriarchs who lord it over, and then everyone tries their best to garner their favour by doing more good works in order to, you know, get into their good books. It's the same with bosses, that's why people try to curry favour with bosses, they try to win them over by being more submissive, do them more favours, etc. But GOD isn't  like that. That's living by "works". But it's useless. After all, what can men do to remove their own sin?

But the whole idea of grace is totally different from that. Grace is simply God's work, God's work. Grace is God lavishing his love upon us, our hardened souls, and giving it to us, just as we are, because He loves us . It is GOD saying i want to be with you, I want you to dwell with me forever, I want you to be with me, i want to be with you, I want you. I want to love you. I want to be with you. I want you. I want you to be with me.

It's how a husband wants his wife, to love her to cherish her and to be with her (or something like that since a mere human analogy cannot capture perfectly God's heart). And God is still with us - here with us - Emmanuel - GOD WITH US - GOD IS ALWAYS WITH US.

The problem about living by works, really, is that it's a horrible life to live. No matter what you do, if you live by works, you will always feel insecure, not good enough , etc. It's a horrible life to live, a horrible place to be, always trying to merit God's favour. NO one should ever feel that way, as though they aren't loved enough and they have to do things right in order to gain favour with God.Believe me, I was there, I was in a horrible place, due to my OCD, which emphasizes having to do the right "rituals" in order to gain favour with God. It was a tiring life, really, and it was very draining. It was very emotionally draining, because of my bad feelings which really were just a product of my OCD and not my mind and not my relationship with God. But this thorn in my flesh is something that is powerful and it seemed real. but actually it isn't. It's just a flesh wound. But then these bad feelings made me need to find assurance with God again and again and again, like a million times each day. It can be to accept him again and again and again, until I was so drained and so tired. It was a crazy life.

I went to the Crossings Church by pastor Dinesh, and the sermon really spoke to my heart. I remembered driving around little India and thinking about Jesus and He asked me to focus on Him which I did and what i was learning is that I always have these idols in my life - but hey, you know what, our hearts were made for God, and unless we have God as the centre of our life and the only thing, we will never be truly satisfied. There's a God-shaped centre in our souls which can only be filled by Him. After all, we were created by God for God. So if He created us for him, it follows that only He can fill it. Through Christ, the only way to God. But we filled it with other things, our relationships, our sex, our lust, our music, etc, and I was reminded that actually I am trying to fill up my life with things other than Jesus. Which is the most horrible thing, because who loves me more than Jesus? Who died for me? Who paid the ultimate price for me? Only Him. It was so good and I know that to be with Him is the most amazing thing, as I experienced in the past and even now and will be tomorrow. Nothing will ever change, and nothing will. Because of the faithfulness of God to me, a horrible undeserving person.

At the Crossings Church, the message was on Genesis 28:12-21, on how Jacob was a horrible son-of-a-gun who used God's name to steal a birthright, was a horrible person, and was running away from home. He was homesick. Esau was out to get him. And then he had a dream and the dream was about God, and a ladder, and angels going up and down it. And he said "surely the Lord was in this place, but i did not know it". He did not deserve one iota of God's love/grace, but God that very day came to Him, though He did not know it or deserve it. And Ps Dinesh went on to speak of how we all need God, and there's a hole in our hearts that can only be filled by God, and that nothing else really satisfies or can fill that hole that only be filled by God. I remembered crying throughout the sermon, maybe because I was just so emotionally drained, and so tired of doing things for God and trying to find God. I remembered using up about five pieces of thick tissue, and my soul was touched, definitely. And I remember being reminded of God's faithfulness, that He said that He will be with Jacob (since he was with isaac and Isaac's forefathers), will be with him, and his future (his descendants). And I was reminded of Jesus's same teachings that He told his disciples - that He will be with me to the ends of the age. And i was reminded of how the same God, who did that to Jacob, will do it for each of us, including me. And the same Jesus does not change forever.

And the reference in Genesis was later alluded to in Luke, where Jesus spoke of the vision that the angels will be descending and ascending over Him - since the difference between that and the Genesis version is that, in Genesis, it was a ladder, whereas in Luke, Jesus replaced the ladder with Himself, saying that He is the ladder, He is the way to God, and so - go to JESUS.

That's really the whole gospel isn't it? God has done everything, God's provided the ladder - Jesus - which is the only way to Him. Just go to Jesus, embrace him, receive Him. He loves you, just go and embrace and receive Him.

Jesus told me that he has chosen me. And it's HIS CHOICE. I guess in the past I always wonder whether I have truly received the Lord. but I am reminded, just, that JESUS has chosen me and received me. (Let's not go into the predestination debate, but I truly believe that Jesus chose me and the only way i received him is because He called me).

The cool bit was that I realise my that my cell group did the exact same verse too, John 1, which had that analogy as well. It was a pity i couldn't go since I was stuck in reservist. My head is spinning but I give thanks that my soul is revitalized.

the lord has come back into my life - at least that's the feeling

humdrum 1/300

I am rather drained.

Tired mentally and I believe, it's a lack of good hormones and pheromones. I believe I need far more dopamine than what is currently existing in my brain, because I am having very little highs and everything seems flat.

There are occasional moments of joy that is a result of God's faithfulness, sweet comfort, warmth, and love; but apart from that life is drudgery, a grueling mix of work and other commitments. 

My friends have, well, all kind of ran away, busy with their own things. Maybe they'd be free to meet up on weekends, I don't know - I guess work makes one very isolated - the "space between" of Dave Matthew's Band springs to mind. There's an emptiness about working these long hours - cue "The loneliness of a crane operator" (Elbow) - that makes one feel isolated. It's of course nice to go home to a loving family, a loving wife - but we all know that - in the midst of singlehood, and when family is, well, sometimes rather distant and dysfunctional, it is, perhaps, more illusion than reality.

I am trying to improve my writing, and being in a law firm has really helped quite a bit. Perhaps, trying to think rationally, and to verbalize each word before it is put down to paper or to screen. These things help. I am not, however, very fond of this keyboard - it is extremely cumbersome and fragile. Of course, these things don't really matter.

I am waiting for 6pm, but there are tons of things to clear today. Perhaps typing this out during my lunch break is cathartic, but I don't seem to have alot of friends. Most of them have forgotten me, too caught up in their own worlds. Maybe I should get attached, but getting attached for the wrong reasons, to wrong people, is far worse than not getting attached at all. Maybe I need friends, but I am too scared of getting too close to them sometimes for fear of them seeing what kind of horrible person I am.

Perhaps I need some self-reflection. I believe sleeping earlier will definitely help my psyche, which is usually sustained by the unsustainable caffeine surges and destroyed by the inevitable caffeine collapse that comes afterward, usually at about 11.30am. Then I wonder when lunchtime will come - and so when it comes, I go out to eat, and when I return - it starts again. If there's coffee, the caffeine crash will hit at around 4.30pm - it usually does. Then maybe I will go out for tea. That's tentative. But maybe it will all be normal should I sleep early.

Not having enough sleep makes me feel like a zombie. Some parts of me shut down, especially the empathy. The mechanical processes like the cognitive thought which is required for work - that's alright, it has to be done - but the love and empathy and feeling are almost completely dried up, drained. Things scare me. The fear of your boss creeping up behind you, exploding. The fear of a nasty or bad email sent your way. So maybe it's time for me to go on the aggressive - to put them in their place. The reason why people are aggressive is because they don't want to be on the defensive. It's why I sometimes like to drive my car in a reckless manner - swinging in and swinging out ala Lombard Avenue in San Francisco - to scare drivers - because I am, really, scared of them. I am afraid of accidents that's why I drive aggressively.

Aggression, to ward of the over-conscious psyche and the over-defensive psyche.

Not very healthy.

Maybe I should read www.psychologytoday.com. It is a good read, if you haven't already read. It's extremely helpful, much of it is about sex. Not very useful for me now.

I am hoping this blog can be my little version of "the Diaries of Adrian Mole"; I don't think so.

Hmm.

the feeling of alienation after a long day at work where the mind is exhausted and sleepy and tired, and the emotions even more mixed up. perhaps I'm spoilt and expect too much , perhaps. my emotions are out of whack and most of all I'm lonely . people come and go - is that to be expected ? its the feeling of alienation after a long day at work which is so irritating . it is the sianzness of feeling emotionally detached. from it all.
maybe I don't love myself enough. I always think i am a horrible person tsp I am afraid to go around people for fear of exposing to them what a horrible person I am. I think , rather than hoping for their betterment, I am more guilty of schadenfreude. I'm not happy with the way I am? but maybe too stupid to change or too stubborn to change.

but I have a hope because God loves me and has saved me already utmost utterly. And that body that is dying to be transformed may one day be transformed - if only I die to Christ daily , and again and again. a never ending process but something that must be done.

I am, joyful.

the thing about OCD is this -
I think of a horrible thought x. Let's call this "thought x".
I try to ask these thoughts to go away ... keep casting it away
but it takes a while to go and it won't go away completely - it still lingers on the back of my mind.
but in the midst of all that? the brain has labelled that thought x as the most harrowing thought - has labelled that thought x.
And sometimes as the mind has already captured that thought, it always keeps it in its subconsciousness.
Then sometimes when I am having an OCD attack and the thoughts keep racing in, my mind wanders, half-tempted to be led to thought x, but it doesn't bring relief to me - unless I decide to give up the fight and say that thought x. that's the only way to bring relief to my anxiety because my brain , always holding on that thought, is always looking forward to and holding on to that traumatic thought.
but actually doing the thought and actually meaning it - that's not good- it becomes extremely distressing ...



Gods grace is sufficient for me in my trials through my thorns.

lack of inspiration for songwriting and anything creative - i wonder why, probably it's the lows of a daily life or a fear of being too caught up by emotions which will trigger OCD. probably the latter.

sleep alone

There's something to be said about sleeping too much. But somehow for me it is a defence of being away from the world, away from the harshness of this world, in my own apartment, where I control the forces that sometimes rage too powerful for my mind. 

sleeping too much also has other disadvantages, namely, a spinning head, not enough oxygen, the like. but it is perhaps a small price to pay for some peace.

chords

I am so excited about the new Les Miserables movie - the trailer looks awesome, and if it's half as good as what the actors claim the movie is going to be, then we're in for a blast.


Anyway, in memory of the lovely musical, and in fact this year's the 150th anniversary of the book, here's the chords for "Epilogue".


Dm - Am - Dm - Am - Bb F/A Gm C D
F#m
Alone I wait in the shadows
Fmaj#5
I count the hours till I can sleep
A/E                                          D
I dreamed a dream Cosette stood by
                                                A
It made her weep to know I die.
Fmaj#5
Alone at the end of the day
D
Upon this wedding night I pray
A/C#                                                D
Take these children, my Lord, to thy embrace
                            C#m                D      E
And show them grace.
             A     Bm C#m   D
God on high
               A    Bm   C#  D
Hear my prayer
                C#
Take me now
           F#m    A/E
To thy care
                      D      C#m
Where You are
             Bm        E
Let me be
                A   Bm C#m D
Take me now
              A   Bm C#m D
Take me there
                A   Bm C#m E
Bring me home
                  A
Bring me home.

(Fantine's spirit appears to Valjean)

FANTINE
Dm                                Am
M'sieur, I bless your name
Dm                                    Am
M'sieur, lay down your burden
Bb                                     F/A   
You raised my child in love
       Gm          C            D
And you will be with god.

COSETTE


Gm       Eb       Gm     Eb

Gm

Papa, Papa, I do not understand!
Are you alright? They said you'd gone away.

VALJEAN
Am
Cosette, my child, am I forgiven now?
Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day.
F#m
MARIUS
F#m                                                            Am
It's you who must forgive a thoughtless fool
F#m                                                            Am
It's you who must forgive a thankless man
     Gm                                      Eb
It's thanks to you that I am living
       Gm                                                  Eb
And again I lay down my life at your feet.

                         Ab              Db
Cosette, your father is a saint.
 Ab                                Db
When they wounded me
                       F#                     B
He took me from the barricade
 F#                     B
Carried like a babe
                               E           D#
And brought me home to you!

VALJEAN(to Cosette)
G#m                  D#m
Now you are here
G#m                  D#m
Again beside me
E                             B/D#
Now I can die in peace
      F#                            Ab
For now my life is blessed...

COSETTE
               Db     Gbm                            Db   Ab/C
You will live, Papa, you're going to live
            Bbm          Ab                Gb
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

VALJEAN
       Gm                                          D
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die
     Cm
I'll obey,
            C7
I will try.
                F
On this page
  Bb/F               F             C/E
I write my last confession.
              Dm
Read it well
          G                     C
When I at last am sleeping.
              Bb 
It's the story
        A                          Dm
Of those who always loved you.
          Gm         
Your mother gave her life for you
         Gm/F                  C
Then gave you to my keeping.

(The other spirits, including Eponine appear)

FANTINE
                    F
Come with me
           Bb/F                       F            C/E
Where chains will never bind you
                 Dm
All your grief
      G                       C
At last, at last behind you.
               Bb
Lord in Heaven,
            A                       Dm
Look down on him in mercy.

VALJEAN
 Gm       
Forgive me all my trespasses
           Gm/F                   C
And take me to your glory.

FANTINE & EPONINE
F
Take my hand
       Bb/F                     F      C/E
And lead me to salvation.
                 Dm
Take my love,
       G                    C           C/Bb
For love is everlasting.

VALJEAN, FANTINE & EPONINE
        Bb
And remember
        A                                  Dm
The truth that once was spoken
      Gm
To love another person
                                     C
Is to see the face of God!



             Ab                        
Do you hear the people sing?
                    Db/Ab            Ab
Lost in the valley of the night
               Fm              Bb                       Eb
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light
              Ab                                                    Db                          Ab
For the wretched of the earth there is a flame that never dies
                  Fm                       Bbm               Eb             Ab
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
                  Fm                                            Cm
They will live again in freedom in the garden of the Lord
                 Bbm                                                      Fm
They will walk behind the ploughshed, they will put away the sword.
       Db                                             Bbm                             Eb
The chain will be broken and all men will have their reward! 
                Ab                  Ab/C                           Db                                   Ab
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
                                          Fm     Bb                      Eb
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
             Ab                        Ab/C                     Db                               Ab
Do you hear the people sing? Say do you hear the distant drums
               Fm                      Bbm                  Eb                 Ab
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes


                Ab                  Ab/C                           Db                                   Ab
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
                                          Fm     Bb                      Eb
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
             Ab                        Ab/C                     Db                               Ab
Do you hear the people sing? Say do you hear the distant drums
               Fm                      Bbm                  Eb                 Ab
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes


F#      Fm      E

                       Ab

Tomorrow comes!




chord transcription by shawn poon 

maybe that's what the LORD meant when He asked me to wait for you. Oh well, the grace of transformation is real in my life. Amen.

Emma Yong's gone, 1/3 of the Dimsum Dollies [the others being Pam Oei and Selena Tan]. Didn't know she was suffering from some form of sickness, cancer, perhaps - but now she is gone and I hope, in a better place. Poor husband, dated her for 6 years, married her [she claimed it was the 'happiest day of her life'], and now, having to miss the one he loves for a lifetime. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but eternal parting [until the next life if one believes in that] is even more painful.


Mr Purvis used to talk about Emma and her talents in performing, the way he'd talk about the luminaries of the Humanities Programme - Aaron Maniam, President Scholar, yadayada. But I remembered her name. I didn't even know she was the winner of the Angus Ross prize. And I didn't know she could sing, but well, in retrospect I should have known, huh.


Here's a link to her performing Dick Lee's "When all the tears have dried", from the musical Sing to the Dawn. It's a lovely song that speaks about the decisions in one's life. Dick Lee is actually such a talented songwriter; apart from this song, the ubiquitous 'Home', he also wrote Leslie Cheung's "zhui", among others: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OviyNptln9Y


The lyrics of the song are rather memorable, and I have decided to insert the chords so that you may play along. Here goes (chords below):


A (with a A5-A6 motif]
I trusted every morning sun -
A

Taught me how to rise

A
To stretch beyond the darkest night –
        F#m

and reach the open skies

D                                 A/C#
Perhaps I shouldn’t trust so much –

             F#m                      B
should learn to close my eyes

        D                              A/C#
The sun still shines on wooden bars –

      F#m                    D
the bird that never flies

Chorus:

       A            E/G#                            F#m     A/E

But if I turn away from what I’ve started

           D                   A/C#                 Bsus4 B   E7
Then will I always wish that I had tried

      A                          G#mb5 C#7    F#m    A/E
By breaking free will I be broken-hearted

           D                        E7                           A
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

A (with an A5-A6 motif)
I know how much it means to him -

A
It means the same to me

A
But if I keep him from his dreams,

         F#m
what will the ending be?

       D                          A/C#
Perhaps it’s time to step aside,

       F#m               B
and lose my only chance

       D                          A/C#              
It’s always men who play the tune,

          F#m               D
while girls can only dance

       A            E/G#                            F#m     A/E

But if I turn away from what I’ve started

           D                   A/C#                 Bsus4 B   E7
Then will I always wish that I had tried

      A                          G#mb5 C#7    F#m    A/E
By breaking free will I be broken-hearted

           D                        E7                           A
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

     F                        G/F       C/E         Am
Is this the price I have to pay for winning?

    F                            G/F        C/E       Am
I never thought that I could hurt his pride

         D                       E/D        C#m   F#m
This shouldn’t be an end, but my beginning

          D        Bm           D          B7              E7       F7 
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

      Bb           F/A                             Gm      Bb/F
But if I turn away from what I’ve started

          Eb                 Bb/D                  Csus4 C F
Then will I always wish that I had tried

      Bb                    Am7b5     D7       Gm      Bb/F
By breaking free will I be broken-hearted

           Eb             F                                      Gm   F Em7b5
What will I see when all the tears have dried?

Eb    Bb/D     Cm
What will I see…

F7                                     BbWhen all the tears have dried? 

solid as a rock

I wonder how some Christians can be so sturdy, like a rock, counting on God's faithfulness through thick and thin, through the seasons and through the fire and the sun & moon and the rain. Sounds so wonderful. why am i still like an immature child?

sigh sometimes i just feel like sleeping myself away for a few months and not opening my eyes and forget the world. 

taken from kristine's blog: 

THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS

Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Psalm 27: 11

My dad was the guru of shortcuts. He lived on an endles quest for the shortest route to all the places to which he regularly drove. My mom used to kid my dad that most of his shortcuts were in fact “longcuts.” In his search for the shortest distance to wherever, my dad would say again and again, “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.”

The life to which God has called us is the ultimate straight line. This line starts with dead rebels and ends with people alive and reformed into the likeness of God’s Son. The problem is that our living is seldom a straight line. We all take daily detours of thought and desire that move us off the straight path that God has placed us on by his grace. He has redeemed us from the jungle of our rebellion, lust, autonomy, foolishness, and self-focus and placed us on the narrow pathway of His Son. The problem is that we all tend to get tricked into taking detours that get us off God’s path and into trouble.

Our problem is twofold. First, we get diverted because we are impatient. The trip to where God is taking us is not an event; it’s a process. And the process isn’t easy. God’s road takes us through the heat of the sun, through storms and cold, through the dark of night, through loneliness and confusion. So, we get tired and impatient and begin to convince ourselves that there is a better way. But that isn’t all.

We get diverted because we are disloyal. Our hearts aren’t yet fully committed to God’s glory and his kingdom. We are still attracted to the shadow glories of creation, and we still carry around in us allegiance to the small-agenda purposes of the kingdom of self. So in our impatience and disloyalty we see pathways that appear easier and more comfortable, but they only ever lead to danger.

There is no time when this temptation is more powerful that when we are facing difficulty. This is exactly what the verse we are considering recognizes. When you are being hammered by the enemy, it’s very tempting to debate within yourself as to whether God’s way is the best way. It starts with bad attitudes. Perhaps you begin to doubt God, doubt his goodness, and question his love. Perhaps you give way to anger, impatience, and irritation. Or maybe you begin to allow yourself to envy. You wonder why the guy next to you has such an easy life, when yours is so hard.

These bad attitudes lead to bad habits. You quit praying because you reason that it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. You stop reading your Bible because those promises don’t seem to be coming true in your life. You quit attending your small group because you can’t stand to hear the stories of God’s love that others share, when your life is so hard. You even begin to give yourself reasons for missing the Sunday worship service, reasons you once wouldn’t have given yourself. Before too long there is a coldness and distance in your reationship with God that would have shocked you in the early days of your faith. Your difficulty has deceived you into thinking that you have reason for wandering off God’s straight path, and your attitudes and habits have placed you on the dangerous side-paths of the kingdom of self.

Have you gotten off God’s straight path? Have you given yourself reason to take side-paths? How about praying, once again today, “Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path”?

(Taken from Paul David Tripp’s A Shelter In The Time Of Storm)

What's the point of being emo? It was your own fault

Beck - nobody's fault but my own

Just so wasted - what could have been, something beautiful.
If the Lord is in this and willing, he will write a beautiful symphony through this cacophony and I promise I won't try to mess it up this time

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands


Now I've learnt, loves not possession
And I've learnt, love won't wait
Now I've learnt, love needs expression
But I learnt too late

Dedicated to that someone.

whatever you want

whatever you want.

deep down it's me that's the spoilt one.

unless the lord builds the house they labour in vain

Psalms 127 says:
1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved.


It is useless to go and fight the battle yourself - GOD must be the one who plants the seed and who builds it from day one, if not, I am labouring in vain. I have laboured in vain many years - I need to just wait and rest in Him and let Him work - let the Lord work. it is just vain labour otherwise, absolutely vain labour.


just the trust to wait for the lord. quiet, simple, disciplined, trust, in the Lord.


"let's take time to wait upon the Lord
let's take time to listen to His voice
unless the Lord builds the house we labour in vain
so let's take time to wait upon the Lord"

sigh waiting for her to reply to my email.

argh. maybe she doesn't really want to talk?

dont blame her anyhow.

Jesus must lead

I have been really stupid doing all this by myself . The song Jesus take the wheel is so important that in everything I gotta let Jesus lead. Why always try to meddle with his perfect plan that he's doing in your life ? With him the more you do sometimes the worse it gets the thing you need to do is to let him take over. Reminds me of the disciples at the storm when the lord calmed the storm. I need him to do it.

If you are reading this i am sorry and I can't say it enough and it may seem like only words but I will prove it to you what I told you, with Jesus's help. I wil wait for you, promise.

Pain

There's the pain that's still there - the pain - it's not going away - it's just pain and pain and more pain.


Will God heal my heart? He must - I asked how the hurt can go away - only time can heal
but it's just pain.


Just pain


never mind i'll find someone like you?
really?


I don't know la. I shouldn't have gotten so emotionally attached to my friend. [i hope you're not reading it - but maybe you are. crap. but well my cards are open]


"i've played all my cards, but you've kept them in the hand
there's nothing more to say, you've taken your final stand"


[a modification of Abba]


if only God will help me to be patient above all else, how wonderful that will be. I have to be patient, I must!


=D

You and I - know the reason why

Wow one of these days I want to be able to write a song just like this, from the most talented Rachael Yamagata. A song that really stays with you through the thick and thin, and through the heartbreak and the joy. This is "The Reason Why", which is apparently (I believe) about her departure from the band Bumpus as she is asked to "head out alone" and she'd "hope for the best". 


It's a joy to listen to her music because it's so organic and you can feel the raw emotions that are running through her music, and not just underneath the surface or bubbling under like the brook but boiling over, engulfing your innermost desires and souls (which should ideally have belonged to God in the first place) but yeah. 


Here it is: The Reason Why


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuQvja_t1FY


Lyrics: Music and lyrics by Rachael Yamagata, from the album Happenstance

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

When you feel that peace in your soul, that's when you know it's Gods will. Amen

leap year - damn awesome! 

woohoo I didn't think anyone was going to be born on this day, but apparently there are=)

my colleague was right - to a certain extent. that was a little stupid thing to do. but then I trust God, I have to! =D

how is everyone doing?

It's a choice - do you want to be controlled by your emotions and carnal feelings, or do you want the Holy Spirit to lead you?

Please pray for me. I need the HOLY SPIRIT to lead me. that's all.

I'm mr Brightside!

coming out of my cage -

what cage?

Never mind I'll find someone like you

Seems like youve got someone new . No expectations I had really, just a little pain - my own fault for not guarding my heart and letting it run away. Sigh. The heart is deceitful over all things, who can fathom it?

Ok everyone be happy that's all I can say. Whoever said I've outgrown my emo stage ??

The someone new is really cool I believe. Charming handsome cute and all those things an emo boy is not. He's got game. Ok fine I understand.

It's a bit like Lionel Messi coming into the S-League to play soccer against your team (thankfully I'm not the left back or right back). Just don't have game, Shawn! 

*^*()*&^%^&*(

Gotta learn how to be "fake" happy - being an INFP is horrible in the context of being cool. Friends, we feel too much. Learning to be that kind of feeling individual is not what's required. What's required is the ability to wait out, to "dong" through the storm, to let it just wash away, to be mindful to just "observe" instead of doing anything.

Like I said, you can't fight Lionel Messi. We all have passions, and I'm going to do something about it. Watch this space :)

Happiness, spontaneity, and the lack of dopamine

People always ask me how come I don't seem genuinely happy. To be honest, from an outsider's perspective, it would seem rather easy for me - I am, after all, talented in music (not as much as some people but sufficiently so, by the grace of God), not too bad looking (except a bit fat), have a decent job (as a lawyer now), a good family (not a broken one, as my mother would keep reminding me), have loads of friends (although mostly acquaintances and only a few close ones), etc. 


But do they know the struggle inside? The struggle that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, a disorder of the brain that creates thoughts that do not seem to want to resolve itself, BAD THOUGHTS that keep floating in my mind and refuses to leave. It is by the grace of JESUS that I still live, and still stand alive today. I spoke with Christ about this OCD and he told me that "my grace is sufficient for you" (this was circa Saturday morning, before my visit to my shrink). "My grace is sufficient for you" - what a wonderful promise. Everytime I speak to Christ he tells me in love to "put my helmet of salvation on" and that he calls me dear, "dear Shawn" - that I am dearly loved. The perennial question is NOT to let my illness destroy the hope that I have in Christ - the hope that still is deep within me that is born out of GOD and not out of men. The hope that does not stem from simple things of the world, but of a deeper sense that God has planted the seed of hope in me, and it cannot be destroyed.


To that note, I repeat Stuart Townend's song, "there is a hope", which states impressively what this whole "hope" is about. Something unflinching, something that never dies, and never ends.


Good night.

true life lessons

I'm back from Phuket, a little burnt.

Learnt some important life lessons: (1) there will always be some bigger fish out there in the sea. it's inevitable. you're only as good as your last ... hit single (see Whitney - whether she was depressed or not, I don't know), but it's true - you're only as good as the next time when another bigger cooler smarter posher fish comes along. (2) people don't have perfect information and thus you need to sell yourself - they cant' read your bloddy minds. so have to sell yourself, bopian. it's life, it's so unbohemian but then again we're in singapore. if i were somewhere else it'll be much easier, but i have to learn that hey this is singapore. everyone cares about appearances, faces. it's not a perfect world out there. pretty imperfect actually. As someone said, you "maketh the best, not the worsth". Really? sometimes one needs to have that higher level of FAITH in God to believe that whatever comes out of your situation is good. and I can't keep on giving the excuse that I have little faith to be something different, something that I can be. Doesn't work that way does it? No, didn't think so.

blah i'm ranting at 2.25am in the morning and it reminds me of my teenage days which were rather angst-ridden and unproductive, really. Still on the mend, still on the mend, but sometimes lapsing back into the past. arghhhhhhhhh

I must not LET MYSELF GET EMO ARGHHHHH *($%^&*()^%R$E#$%^&*(.

IT'S SO IRRITATINGGGGG

i like to look at life circumspectively, with all these things up my sleeve, and thinking aloud to myself - it gives me the tingles on my back which is really quite lovely a sensation to have. but then again it is again UNPRODUCTIVE thinking. in fact it just makes everything ugly and you look through life thinking what the ___ could i have done better.

i don't think i can. it's not me anyway. i'm not going to sing lady gaga that i was "born this way", but then again, i'm not here to be thrown to the hoards of fishermen out there, like simple sardines. when it happens, it'll be special, no doubt about that. just like how everything fits together, one day it will be special.

Really now?

shawn you're just freaking scared to go alone into the dark

but i'm scared! i've been bitten before. do i grow stronger or do i flinch back? i can't tell really. what the hell am i doing as a lawyer? i also can't tell. Not enough balls to go and break out of this, perhaps.

(who reads this blog anyway huh huh huh huh huh)/

and i know that we're making mistakes again and again but do i ever learn? hardly hardly.

i sound a bit like aaron tan talking to himself actually (seen the video before? it's hilarious, really - i could just watch that over and over again).

i swear, all i need is a bit of adele or rachael yamagata, and snuggle in. sounds so amazing. but yeah. it's a wonderful sensation yeah, to be a little bit emo and a little bit...drunk. it helps the soul to numb itself from pain and hurt. hurt because of expectations that frankly speaking shouldn't have been there. but things happen. as it is written, "the heart is deceitful above all else". we are all a bit messed up inside, but that is the way things are. can't be helped yeah.


(i love blogging actually ,damn therapeutic). in fact it's almost as therapeutic as a spa treatment. no kidding.

good night world i guess tomorrow i will feel better.

It's been a while non

I realize I haven't been blogging for ages - I just wish my over active mind can be tamed, now it is like the raging sea, always flowing into every nook and cranny, always trying to think of new theories and all that nonsense. And of course sometimes the fear of being irrelevant and nonsensical. Blogging is extremely cathartic release I believe - keeps me sane