the lord has come back into my life - at least that's the feeling

humdrum 1/300

I am rather drained.

Tired mentally and I believe, it's a lack of good hormones and pheromones. I believe I need far more dopamine than what is currently existing in my brain, because I am having very little highs and everything seems flat.

There are occasional moments of joy that is a result of God's faithfulness, sweet comfort, warmth, and love; but apart from that life is drudgery, a grueling mix of work and other commitments. 

My friends have, well, all kind of ran away, busy with their own things. Maybe they'd be free to meet up on weekends, I don't know - I guess work makes one very isolated - the "space between" of Dave Matthew's Band springs to mind. There's an emptiness about working these long hours - cue "The loneliness of a crane operator" (Elbow) - that makes one feel isolated. It's of course nice to go home to a loving family, a loving wife - but we all know that - in the midst of singlehood, and when family is, well, sometimes rather distant and dysfunctional, it is, perhaps, more illusion than reality.

I am trying to improve my writing, and being in a law firm has really helped quite a bit. Perhaps, trying to think rationally, and to verbalize each word before it is put down to paper or to screen. These things help. I am not, however, very fond of this keyboard - it is extremely cumbersome and fragile. Of course, these things don't really matter.

I am waiting for 6pm, but there are tons of things to clear today. Perhaps typing this out during my lunch break is cathartic, but I don't seem to have alot of friends. Most of them have forgotten me, too caught up in their own worlds. Maybe I should get attached, but getting attached for the wrong reasons, to wrong people, is far worse than not getting attached at all. Maybe I need friends, but I am too scared of getting too close to them sometimes for fear of them seeing what kind of horrible person I am.

Perhaps I need some self-reflection. I believe sleeping earlier will definitely help my psyche, which is usually sustained by the unsustainable caffeine surges and destroyed by the inevitable caffeine collapse that comes afterward, usually at about 11.30am. Then I wonder when lunchtime will come - and so when it comes, I go out to eat, and when I return - it starts again. If there's coffee, the caffeine crash will hit at around 4.30pm - it usually does. Then maybe I will go out for tea. That's tentative. But maybe it will all be normal should I sleep early.

Not having enough sleep makes me feel like a zombie. Some parts of me shut down, especially the empathy. The mechanical processes like the cognitive thought which is required for work - that's alright, it has to be done - but the love and empathy and feeling are almost completely dried up, drained. Things scare me. The fear of your boss creeping up behind you, exploding. The fear of a nasty or bad email sent your way. So maybe it's time for me to go on the aggressive - to put them in their place. The reason why people are aggressive is because they don't want to be on the defensive. It's why I sometimes like to drive my car in a reckless manner - swinging in and swinging out ala Lombard Avenue in San Francisco - to scare drivers - because I am, really, scared of them. I am afraid of accidents that's why I drive aggressively.

Aggression, to ward of the over-conscious psyche and the over-defensive psyche.

Not very healthy.

Maybe I should read www.psychologytoday.com. It is a good read, if you haven't already read. It's extremely helpful, much of it is about sex. Not very useful for me now.

I am hoping this blog can be my little version of "the Diaries of Adrian Mole"; I don't think so.

Hmm.

the feeling of alienation after a long day at work where the mind is exhausted and sleepy and tired, and the emotions even more mixed up. perhaps I'm spoilt and expect too much , perhaps. my emotions are out of whack and most of all I'm lonely . people come and go - is that to be expected ? its the feeling of alienation after a long day at work which is so irritating . it is the sianzness of feeling emotionally detached. from it all.
maybe I don't love myself enough. I always think i am a horrible person tsp I am afraid to go around people for fear of exposing to them what a horrible person I am. I think , rather than hoping for their betterment, I am more guilty of schadenfreude. I'm not happy with the way I am? but maybe too stupid to change or too stubborn to change.

but I have a hope because God loves me and has saved me already utmost utterly. And that body that is dying to be transformed may one day be transformed - if only I die to Christ daily , and again and again. a never ending process but something that must be done.

I am, joyful.