Today was a jolly good day, I'd say. It seems like my 'talking' me has returned, finally, amidst lots of prayer and asking God for being 'able to relate to people', and guess what, He really answers prayers, as usual. Finally I could talk instead of feeling self-conscious about myself, finally I could be myself again, rather than being afraid. Who cares? I have just as much right to decide about my life and my destiny than others, huh.
Friendster's really fun. It's my new hobby after Kings of Chaos died. And it's really nice to surf around, looking at friends, viewing testimonials, seeing friend's friends and their links and all that. Really cool. The guy who invented it was a genius. I got really nice testimonials from lorraine, from gillian, dalg. it's really nice. ahhh.
I have no idea whether (she) notices me or not, or (she) reciprocrates, or it just happens that she looks in my direction, or maybe she's not looking at me, she's just glancing, you have to look somewhere, right?
Really nice cloudy dreams keep appearing, leaving me in delirium. Why do dreams have to end? It's a very very good question. I should ponder over it.
Why do dreams have to end?
It's been that talking mood, with the musical hearing mood, along with a tinge of those drowsy dreamy feelings that I absolutely adore. it's a slow comforting embrace that leads you to sweet slumber. It allows you to lie on your pillow, gazing into wonderful thoughts, forgetting the stress of life, and simply smile to yourself on how wonderful life is. I was
Yesterday was fun because we went off to Holland V NYDC to talk and bitch and have a really chummy class lunch that we hadn't had for such a long time. laughed the whole place down, which was really rather rare. i shan't discuss what we discussed, but it was fun nevertheless.
Everyone was taking photos, since farewell assembly had just finished, and posed for pictures, since it was the last day of school, of our 'organised school'; From now on, we're on our own. Can't actually recall all those that took fotos with me, though I wished there were more girls. damn. haha. but well I guess it was mainly the humans people and the AC people, and a couple of assorted friends. And in the end of the assembly we sang 'If we hold on together'. Rather sappy, I'd imagine, but we are sentimental anyway, and very soon I will miss RJC, even though I vowed never to sing the school song, being an AC boy. Perhaps we would only remember the happy memories, of which there were numerous, and really it was a rather enjoyable stretch of time after all. I wouldn't mind living my whole life in this bliss of teenagehood. And if only the happy memories linger on, it'll still be wonderful.
I have SATII tomorrow. hope and pray i can get above 750 for all.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Had a really nice dream yesterday, but I just forgot all about it. sigh. am so pissed off, really so pissed off. ahhh. and I went to school today trying to find that girl again. haha.
Sigh. she probably doesn't care.
I have realised that life isn't that bed of roses people sometimes say it is. Oh, Raffles, you're a family, you're a tree. what hypocrisy. it is war. survival of the fittest. animals struggling for that same piece of meat, presumably the As. Getting a 'U' for S paper, and getting scolded for turning around to talk, without even opening my mouth, yet. Isn't it enough to make me cry in the lecture theater at the unfairness of it all? For the record, I've never gotten a 'U' before. and just when it's the time to do well, and start getting a Merit like i always do, i get this. the irony of it. the slap-in-the-face the disgrace. well i realised you gotta work for it, but this is really pushing the limits of madness.
I swear (well not really actually) that I would have been much worse off and still powerfully bitter, if I couldn't actually start jotting down some angsty tunes to rid myself of the madness. thank God i still have that gift man. pump up the power chords, scream in my mind, get the drum beats rolling, man...i'm gonna be a rock star. i mean when you see me making it big dont' cry for yourself, coz i don't cry for myself when everyone gets Ds and i'm languishing in, oblivion.
Bitterness is such a powerful emotion: it might make me start doing really damn well for SATS II to prove people wrong again. I always need to do that, it seems like that fire needs to be directed at something in order to burn. So if that's the case, so be it. maybe it will spur me on to get a Distinction in the final exam, though I realised that's a distant possibility. still. i mean what the hell.
there might still be something good coming out of this ah. i have to wear my heart on my sleeve again. fight for my right to live. enough of that langour. because no one really cares. it's a zero-sum-game. a many-horse race. fight.
so why don't we.
i'm no pacifist but here lies madness.
no wonder raffles is such a mess. it's all coz of this. if you were in AC you'd be laughing and laughing it off. but here, you have to be the best or die. it's the teachers' mad philosophy of life i guess. 'survival of the fittest'.
because i believe in my feelings. and when they say it's pleasurable to compete then i would, but most of the time it's not. it's nicer to cooperate. but then again no one wants to cooperate with you.
Sigh. she probably doesn't care.
I have realised that life isn't that bed of roses people sometimes say it is. Oh, Raffles, you're a family, you're a tree. what hypocrisy. it is war. survival of the fittest. animals struggling for that same piece of meat, presumably the As. Getting a 'U' for S paper, and getting scolded for turning around to talk, without even opening my mouth, yet. Isn't it enough to make me cry in the lecture theater at the unfairness of it all? For the record, I've never gotten a 'U' before. and just when it's the time to do well, and start getting a Merit like i always do, i get this. the irony of it. the slap-in-the-face the disgrace. well i realised you gotta work for it, but this is really pushing the limits of madness.
I swear (well not really actually) that I would have been much worse off and still powerfully bitter, if I couldn't actually start jotting down some angsty tunes to rid myself of the madness. thank God i still have that gift man. pump up the power chords, scream in my mind, get the drum beats rolling, man...i'm gonna be a rock star. i mean when you see me making it big dont' cry for yourself, coz i don't cry for myself when everyone gets Ds and i'm languishing in, oblivion.
Bitterness is such a powerful emotion: it might make me start doing really damn well for SATS II to prove people wrong again. I always need to do that, it seems like that fire needs to be directed at something in order to burn. So if that's the case, so be it. maybe it will spur me on to get a Distinction in the final exam, though I realised that's a distant possibility. still. i mean what the hell.
there might still be something good coming out of this ah. i have to wear my heart on my sleeve again. fight for my right to live. enough of that langour. because no one really cares. it's a zero-sum-game. a many-horse race. fight.
so why don't we.
i'm no pacifist but here lies madness.
no wonder raffles is such a mess. it's all coz of this. if you were in AC you'd be laughing and laughing it off. but here, you have to be the best or die. it's the teachers' mad philosophy of life i guess. 'survival of the fittest'.
because i believe in my feelings. and when they say it's pleasurable to compete then i would, but most of the time it's not. it's nicer to cooperate. but then again no one wants to cooperate with you.
Monday, October 06, 2003
Went back to school today, simply exhausted.
Really have to thank God for my results. I managed a AABC, a for econs and hist, b for lit and c for math. because i really only expected A for econs and B for the rest. oh well so it was an okay performance i guess. but i have to practise math. but considering the effort i put it, it's really through Gods' grace i can do what I did...many pple did much better but it's okay, they deserve it more than I do.
am applying for US unis now...sigh. a chore. a pain.
Really have to thank God for my results. I managed a AABC, a for econs and hist, b for lit and c for math. because i really only expected A for econs and B for the rest. oh well so it was an okay performance i guess. but i have to practise math. but considering the effort i put it, it's really through Gods' grace i can do what I did...many pple did much better but it's okay, they deserve it more than I do.
am applying for US unis now...sigh. a chore. a pain.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
It's wonderful actually. my week got better. I just realised something so important: It's stupid to build the wall between what is yours, and what is God's, because rightfully everything that is yours should be His. Give it up. Share it. Because He loves you, He'll take what you have and make it even better, coz He knows what's best anyway. so it's really stupid to keep anything but just live by faith every step of the way and you'll be happier. I'm probably a little happier now.
Pray for everything. I prayed that somehow I could go to mel's bdae party and like somehow right at the end my dad started changing his mind and allowed me to go, and it was really fun. i mean it wasn't as fun as dalg's dinner party long time ago, but it's not about the fun rite, it's about the fact that your good friend's having a birthday and u're there just to witness the occassion and to be there for your good friend. that in itself counts, doesn't it.
okay this is sooooo sappy ehhh. So i just ended up chatting with the humans pple and the ac pple and just being stupid . okay. nvm.
Wrote a song called 'entertain yourself'. because you know, as the earlier post goes, that's so essential.
Thanking God is so essential. everything in your life, thank God for it. i mean, whatever prelim results i'm going to get tomroow, i don't care, but I'll just thank God anyway, for everything. it's just living by faith, the simple steps. there is no need for the idea of 'You', or what is 'yours', but everything is 'His'.
Okay.
just came back from CG today. it's been really tiring. the cough still won't end, and i can't talk properly, which means blogging becomes a very attractive alternative. church was okay. playing pool was just rubbish. playing simcitty even worse. just trying to do anything to you know, enjoy myself. i realised i just dont' want to go back to school, into the mugging phase again. i mean. it's going to be a never-end, you know, like 2 months of 'never-end' till it all really ends and i stumble into NS. and tomroow the prelim results will be out. would i cry? would i die?
nvm i don't care......i'll still thank God for everything. i mean. it's up to Him. there was this interesting passage today that struck me, that God is the 'God who sees' (talking about Hagar) and that everything is in His plan and everything is for good of the people who love Him and like nothing happens without Him allowing it to happen. That's so comforting.
So I shall trust. simply trust.
Pray for everything. I prayed that somehow I could go to mel's bdae party and like somehow right at the end my dad started changing his mind and allowed me to go, and it was really fun. i mean it wasn't as fun as dalg's dinner party long time ago, but it's not about the fun rite, it's about the fact that your good friend's having a birthday and u're there just to witness the occassion and to be there for your good friend. that in itself counts, doesn't it.
okay this is sooooo sappy ehhh. So i just ended up chatting with the humans pple and the ac pple and just being stupid . okay. nvm.
Wrote a song called 'entertain yourself'. because you know, as the earlier post goes, that's so essential.
Thanking God is so essential. everything in your life, thank God for it. i mean, whatever prelim results i'm going to get tomroow, i don't care, but I'll just thank God anyway, for everything. it's just living by faith, the simple steps. there is no need for the idea of 'You', or what is 'yours', but everything is 'His'.
Okay.
just came back from CG today. it's been really tiring. the cough still won't end, and i can't talk properly, which means blogging becomes a very attractive alternative. church was okay. playing pool was just rubbish. playing simcitty even worse. just trying to do anything to you know, enjoy myself. i realised i just dont' want to go back to school, into the mugging phase again. i mean. it's going to be a never-end, you know, like 2 months of 'never-end' till it all really ends and i stumble into NS. and tomroow the prelim results will be out. would i cry? would i die?
nvm i don't care......i'll still thank God for everything. i mean. it's up to Him. there was this interesting passage today that struck me, that God is the 'God who sees' (talking about Hagar) and that everything is in His plan and everything is for good of the people who love Him and like nothing happens without Him allowing it to happen. That's so comforting.
So I shall trust. simply trust.