Stop living in the past.
You, shawn poon, of all people, is not the wonderful loving soul that everyone loved in JC and who loved everyone in JC. that was already 3 years ago. face it shawn, you have changed, and it's for the worse, and no one likes you anymore, and you're still alone. you're getting on the mend by the grace of God but still nowhere there yet. stop thinking you're a star and face it shawn, we're all normal.

blogging helps to relief my frustrations.

mambo night really sucked, it was freaking packed and the problem was there were so many groups that went to mambo. that's kind of ironic but it's worse in the case because you tend to flit between one group to another, in any case i do. and dancing is just tiring. it just is. don't you think so? sigh justin gan said i wasn't high at all, that's the truth. i take lots to get high, sigh, they just don't get it do they.

i've got to accept who i am, whom God created me to be, and not try to be someone else. i always fail in that aspect. let me please God please Lord Jesus my friend let me be comfortable in my own skin. please let me accept the fact that 'i was created in the image of God'. i'm better than who i think i am. wake up shawn, life is good.

Perhaps I just like attention.
That's why the sadist impatient impulsive id in me loves challenging social norms on what 'acceptable behaviour' constitutes.
Perhaps some part of me wishes I were someone else- is it that hard to love myself? Or is it even harder for other people to love me if I can't even love myself, or accept myself?
God accepts me but sometimes we degenerate Him into some small insignificant being and instead we care so much how people view us. We expect perfection of them when we can't even hold ourselves together mentally, let alone helping another fellow human being. Our pride gets in the way and we struggle to stay afloat and it's only by the grace of God and the everlasting love that sustains us from breaking down and renouncing everything that you loved, and knew.

We're just weak, we're just cowardly, stupid inside. We know nothing of the world and yet everything that happens in our lives we assume we know it all. We think we could create the universe if we just wished it would happen. We can't accept normalcy, or accept the small insignificant part of me is really truly insignificant and flawed. We all try to play god and build a tower of Babel. But inside us God simply waits for us to accept the fact that 'without Him, we can do nothing' and then perhaps something (a waiting, a dissatisfaction, a longing) stirs up within us and we run back to the arms of grace and we find something we have been waiting for a long time. We just hope we remain there before we get distracted by another green pasture or another wild flower. And then the whole process starts again, kept by a promise that His grace will find us no matter what.

'Never will I leave you nor forsake you'

But when will we ever learn to remain? To be content? To slay the demons of the enemy before it destroys every little bit of good that there was in us? The enemy works behind the scenes, plotting and using lies to bring about our downfall, but then, fellow fighters, the One in you is greater than the one in the world, but then again are we too proud to ask for His help? When all the resources of God are layed at your disposal and all He has to do is to will it, isn't it so much easier than fighting?

Maybe I should have left it all to God. Maybe I should have accepted His plan as being perfect. Maybe I shouldn't resist and submit it all to Him who actually deep down truly loves me, and knows what is best.

Maybe all this pride and boasting should go away. Maybe I should only boast in Christ, who died and rose again.