I’m kinda hard up now. Hard up for the good things in life to come and come and come without giving anything of myself away. Wanting to take more, and more, till one day I sink and swim in an ocean of gifts and blessings. Such is a result of my repressed state of mind that I end up like this, a state that, thanks to RJC and all sorts of influences, slowly sinks into never-ending-nothingness. Coming from a world that tells you you have to be the best in order to survive, what more do I now know?

I was not like that last time. I was content to just doing my thing, living my life quietly, enjoying the little simple pleasures that come my way as gifts from God, not thinking too much about what I needed to do to ‘prosper’ and all that. When I treated life like everything was a bonus, I began to enjoy it even more than I would have if I had felt they were expected, I deserved it. Naw. But slowly things changed. In addition to my growing up came this hard-up-ness about me, because I felt things slipping away, I felt my life reducing to nothingness, and I just want to keep the bits that I still had with me. If you’d say, I was nicer 3, 4 years ago, it is probably true. Now, I expect too much. I expect fun after every outing, if not I’d feel disappointed. I’d expect to be the center of attraction. It really sucks. Why can’t I be normal?

We build ourselves around the wrong things. It really should be God as the pinnacle, the base, the support, not songs that you write, music, your friends that will fail you, or even your family. And once the focus is wrong, any little chink to these mortal elements will inevitably cause your whole world to collapse. I hope mine hasn’t.

I am slowly rediscovering my life again. Speaking with J in the office about his friends and deep issues brought me back to the days where I would sit in Coffee Bean/Starbucks speaking about human relationships to my little buddies. Back to the times of sitting in the train pondering over little issues, and discovering new friends, and treasuring friendships before they slip away. It’s speaking of deeper issues that lie beneath the surface and thinking how fortunate you are to have friends. It is not taking people for granted, but treating them as precious jewels that we are fortunate enough to meet. Sometimes you have to, you’ll never know.

‘I’ll drown my beliefs, to have you be in peace’