Maybe I need to learn. to be a bit more confident of myself in life. but it's hard. it's the old demons. it's not being strong mentally or physically. it's the psychological nuances that keeps us in ruin. slowly we wait for a reprieve, but it never comes. the good moments of waiting and talking with people but it still remains the same.
maybe people can be abit more accepting. to realise that we all have faults, bad days; to realise everyone's different and i try to accept that so why can't people accept me? issit because i'm further away from the ideal as you? and maybe sometimes i secretly want people to be accepting so i'm testing them by being my silly me; it works osmetimes. people get more accepting. however there is a flipside in that some people get peeved why am i like that and all that. it's natural that people will judge you and want to do the more selfish thing to hang out with the fun crowd. or make labels for you.
sigh. you know what. if you think you're good, think again.are we really that good?



on a side note, i had a nice time conversing with my dad the other day; i kinda realised that he's really just a loving father who tries the best for me; coz he loves me and wants to be happy; but sometimes love is painful. i've got to learn to love him, to forgive his faults, to learn to love him because he's my dad (who loves me.) sometimes you misconstrue things. you think things should be this way but you realise that people are not perfect as well, just as you give yourself leeways for not being perfect.
but maybe i try to be perfect too much; and then get super frustrated and disappointed when i don't match up. it's a failing, seriously, it really is; it's the feelings of guilt that rages through me that i really hate when i confess my sins or somethning; it's the frustration of not being able to do the right thing and withstand it; or maybe a silent anger at God for not working fast enough to change me. either way; i shouldn't be. i should be more trusting in God that unlike me who's selfish God isn't and he's caring.
perhaps shawn = must learn to trust in others again and trust in himself; trust that otheres care about the things that one does because it affects them, just as what they do afffect me; knowing that they actually care about their own lives and when one does something good for themt hey feel happy about it.

it's just that little things that we fail to realise; the little happy memories of life that is good. and life thanks to God that is good. life can be so much more sucky but thank God it is good. it is good it its own special way, and it surprises you; i'm glad it surprises you. because if it doesn't surprise you then it might be a bit sad. i sometimes rebel against that surprising because i think wtf life is trying to play a trick on me or what but no.

you know what, it's not about the gifts, or the things. it's about the company. perhaps sometimes that's so true.