For it is by grace that you have been saved, not by works, so that no man may boast.

Whether we like it or not, care to admit it or not, humans have a tendency to want and love to boast. We love to blow our trumpet, to make ourselves seem more superior to someone else, to make ourselves seem more...godly, as though doing something good will enable us to earn more favour with God. For me I have to say this has been something that has plagued me quite a bit, in always trying to earn God's favour, in always trying to win him over by doing some good works or more. I guess it's partly the Singaporean culture or the Confucian nature of the patriarchs who lord it over, and then everyone tries their best to garner their favour by doing more good works in order to, you know, get into their good books. It's the same with bosses, that's why people try to curry favour with bosses, they try to win them over by being more submissive, do them more favours, etc. But GOD isn't  like that. That's living by "works". But it's useless. After all, what can men do to remove their own sin?

But the whole idea of grace is totally different from that. Grace is simply God's work, God's work. Grace is God lavishing his love upon us, our hardened souls, and giving it to us, just as we are, because He loves us . It is GOD saying i want to be with you, I want you to dwell with me forever, I want you to be with me, i want to be with you, I want you. I want to love you. I want to be with you. I want you. I want you to be with me.

It's how a husband wants his wife, to love her to cherish her and to be with her (or something like that since a mere human analogy cannot capture perfectly God's heart). And God is still with us - here with us - Emmanuel - GOD WITH US - GOD IS ALWAYS WITH US.

The problem about living by works, really, is that it's a horrible life to live. No matter what you do, if you live by works, you will always feel insecure, not good enough , etc. It's a horrible life to live, a horrible place to be, always trying to merit God's favour. NO one should ever feel that way, as though they aren't loved enough and they have to do things right in order to gain favour with God.Believe me, I was there, I was in a horrible place, due to my OCD, which emphasizes having to do the right "rituals" in order to gain favour with God. It was a tiring life, really, and it was very draining. It was very emotionally draining, because of my bad feelings which really were just a product of my OCD and not my mind and not my relationship with God. But this thorn in my flesh is something that is powerful and it seemed real. but actually it isn't. It's just a flesh wound. But then these bad feelings made me need to find assurance with God again and again and again, like a million times each day. It can be to accept him again and again and again, until I was so drained and so tired. It was a crazy life.

I went to the Crossings Church by pastor Dinesh, and the sermon really spoke to my heart. I remembered driving around little India and thinking about Jesus and He asked me to focus on Him which I did and what i was learning is that I always have these idols in my life - but hey, you know what, our hearts were made for God, and unless we have God as the centre of our life and the only thing, we will never be truly satisfied. There's a God-shaped centre in our souls which can only be filled by Him. After all, we were created by God for God. So if He created us for him, it follows that only He can fill it. Through Christ, the only way to God. But we filled it with other things, our relationships, our sex, our lust, our music, etc, and I was reminded that actually I am trying to fill up my life with things other than Jesus. Which is the most horrible thing, because who loves me more than Jesus? Who died for me? Who paid the ultimate price for me? Only Him. It was so good and I know that to be with Him is the most amazing thing, as I experienced in the past and even now and will be tomorrow. Nothing will ever change, and nothing will. Because of the faithfulness of God to me, a horrible undeserving person.

At the Crossings Church, the message was on Genesis 28:12-21, on how Jacob was a horrible son-of-a-gun who used God's name to steal a birthright, was a horrible person, and was running away from home. He was homesick. Esau was out to get him. And then he had a dream and the dream was about God, and a ladder, and angels going up and down it. And he said "surely the Lord was in this place, but i did not know it". He did not deserve one iota of God's love/grace, but God that very day came to Him, though He did not know it or deserve it. And Ps Dinesh went on to speak of how we all need God, and there's a hole in our hearts that can only be filled by God, and that nothing else really satisfies or can fill that hole that only be filled by God. I remembered crying throughout the sermon, maybe because I was just so emotionally drained, and so tired of doing things for God and trying to find God. I remembered using up about five pieces of thick tissue, and my soul was touched, definitely. And I remember being reminded of God's faithfulness, that He said that He will be with Jacob (since he was with isaac and Isaac's forefathers), will be with him, and his future (his descendants). And I was reminded of Jesus's same teachings that He told his disciples - that He will be with me to the ends of the age. And i was reminded of how the same God, who did that to Jacob, will do it for each of us, including me. And the same Jesus does not change forever.

And the reference in Genesis was later alluded to in Luke, where Jesus spoke of the vision that the angels will be descending and ascending over Him - since the difference between that and the Genesis version is that, in Genesis, it was a ladder, whereas in Luke, Jesus replaced the ladder with Himself, saying that He is the ladder, He is the way to God, and so - go to JESUS.

That's really the whole gospel isn't it? God has done everything, God's provided the ladder - Jesus - which is the only way to Him. Just go to Jesus, embrace him, receive Him. He loves you, just go and embrace and receive Him.

Jesus told me that he has chosen me. And it's HIS CHOICE. I guess in the past I always wonder whether I have truly received the Lord. but I am reminded, just, that JESUS has chosen me and received me. (Let's not go into the predestination debate, but I truly believe that Jesus chose me and the only way i received him is because He called me).

The cool bit was that I realise my that my cell group did the exact same verse too, John 1, which had that analogy as well. It was a pity i couldn't go since I was stuck in reservist. My head is spinning but I give thanks that my soul is revitalized.