the feeling of alienation after a long day at work where the mind is exhausted and sleepy and tired, and the emotions even more mixed up. perhaps I'm spoilt and expect too much , perhaps. my emotions are out of whack and most of all I'm lonely . people come and go - is that to be expected ? its the feeling of alienation after a long day at work which is so irritating . it is the sianzness of feeling emotionally detached. from it all.
maybe I don't love myself enough. I always think i am a horrible person tsp I am afraid to go around people for fear of exposing to them what a horrible person I am. I think , rather than hoping for their betterment, I am more guilty of schadenfreude. I'm not happy with the way I am? but maybe too stupid to change or too stubborn to change.

but I have a hope because God loves me and has saved me already utmost utterly. And that body that is dying to be transformed may one day be transformed - if only I die to Christ daily , and again and again. a never ending process but something that must be done.

I am, joyful.