Human beings are social characters, living in a social world? Pawh, that's just stupid rubbish. At some times when we get all warm and cuddly and we need friends, of course, our feelings make it so, but where we realise most people can't see the same things you see [not equating to them being able to see less things] and your little joys can perhaps be taken from your own imaginery world of thoughts and feelings, perhaps we might become more clinical in dealing with the rest of society. Why do people talk anyway. Talk is just so cheap. We say some words to convey some things that we might never believe in, anyway. Where's all that real feeling gone to? I'm going to say the things I mean, even if they're not very nice. I realised I'm not a very nice person anyway. All that trivial 'Oh, no problem' and you know 'I don't mind' and all that rubbish can go to waste and it's all hogwash anyway. Can't people just say what they feel and what they mean? If I know the person I won't hold it against them since I know we all go through these little 'ups' and 'downs', but it's real irritating when people never mean what they say, and never say what they mean. It leaves me grasping in the dark and one has to waste much energy trying to decipher what they really mean when it could have been so much easier. And of course then you could never get it right, and then they'd expect you to involve yourself in polite conversation that is never honest anyway.

We have to commnicate, of course, but sometimes I'm amazed by the triviality of it all. The discussions that just flutter in through the little organ one'd call the ear processed loosely before fluttering out through another organ called the mouth. Not much thought goes through it, anyway. Maybe they're right, why must it be processed anyway. We're just a great party, eh. La la la let's put some flowers here and there flowers here and there. Grrr. I'm tired of that whole party thing, I want some real feelings, alright. All that superfluous fluff is nice at some points but real tiring after some time. Of course it's like what Jane Austen would say, but then these things never die, do they.

Bloddy hell. I'm thinking of what I can do to be nice when I'm not feeling nice at all, but I'm just too civic minded to bark at people, unless they really get on my back.

I have just started reading 'Long day's journey into the night' and I must admit am rather interested by the prospects of the play and hopefully it's emotionally touching. And of course I must admit I'm rather sick and tired, in the physical sense, having 2 econs lectures on consecutive days and no doubt perhaps that's the reason for the state that I am. And my house, especially after 6 o'clock is so noisy one can't get any sleep at all, even if one needs it so desperately, even more than I need some love. And so what can one do when the booming of voices loves drumming on your skull with uninspired rhythm?

This is probably the time where my self-belief flourishes into something you'd call contempt and a belief of my innate superiority, but of course it's weird when the rest of the time I hardly have any self-belief at all. It's very normal to think everything else is better than you, you need God coz you're so weak and all, and how in the world are you going to face up to all of that? But now I'm going to conquer the world and the rest of it sucks eh. I don't know I don't know. Maybe they don't, but now I couldn't care less I just want some meaning and an end to this flu.