We can't change the things life has put in place for us. we have to fight for our lives. we can't change, we'd only distort.

I have been rather close to God the past two or three days and I think over the week. today was pretty good. last night's little message was really meaningful and the prayer was good and all that and everything today was fine, it was peaceful, it was God-centered, i felt free, not to worry what happens to me coz it really doesnt' matter. sigh. and then like everything was fine. i was happy. not as crazy as yesterday, yesterday was really really mad coz like everything was really noisy and hyper and stuff. today was more sedated, i did math, i worked a little, got back my B for lit and A2 for GP, and tried to make the best i could, making friends with people, talking to them nicely, etc. you know, i behaved like a Christian, at least for a while.

then all hell broke loose. don't know what i was doing. don't know what i was trying to do. just a meaningless struggle through eternity and space that had no real beginning nor end and was begging to be defined. it was begging to be shaped into some discernable form that i could embrace, or even make sense of, enjoy; instead it was a cesspool, a mess, going to guitar at 5.30, stoning around, you know, playing the piano, frustrated coz i couldn't write any songs, or at least i was compelled by my urge to write something for the piano coz i was playing 'YOu must love me' and the sound of the piano under my hands was just to marvellous not to write something for it, you know. and then guitar was just, ah well, by that time i couldn't have cared less. and even in CG it was a mess. pool was great, hadn't played in eons, that's what you call 'accumulated desires' i guess.


I'm a mess now. depressed. it's time to write more songs. ahh. great thats nice i can feel the tingles wiggling through my spine and sending me shivers down my back. it's lots of depressive manical music that you've gotta get yourself into to feel real, actually.
and besides, i've been writing pretty well ever since jamming on wednesday. wrote some Rnb song that is pretty soothing with the usual descending chord progs, two little pop-rockers: one's more laid-back with an ebuillient feel, the other's a little edgy, it's about us being 'lovechilds', a reference to something said in GP today, which i took down. hmm. gotta catch all these good phrases to use, huh.

okay. tomorow is the audition. i better not let my friends down.

sigh.
what's with the world .