Sigh. another day has passed by, and the funny thing was that I dreamt abt chatting with so-and-so on icq. was really weird, rite.
=) but i mean sometimes you wonder, why weren't you in acjc? i mean, the kind of fun they're having, the simple, unadulerated fun and like sitting with my church friends making loads of noise in swensen's, singing 'answer the phone' and just being stupid. haha. sigh. guess i was neverr a true intellectual you know, in rjc. you're surrounded with people who can articulate themselves and all and you wonder how you can gain their respect, but you're never going to be like them, so i guess i have to be true to myself.

It's about crying, and letting life touch your inner soul again, and feel every emotion fill your heart and your entire body, that had been missing for so long. It's about real people and real emotions, no naff namby-pamby clap-your-hands we're all happy populist-pop. It's the genuineness of human relations and emotions, no fake trying-to-be-cool and blend-in mindset, but really just to see people as people, as individuals. It's a comforting melancholy--knowing that life has its joys and sorrows and yet there's a hope that things will be better.

It's the change in mindset that I need so badly, to move away from ideas and intellectual arguments, just to see people as people, being affectionate again, just to hug and smile. To write music that is uplifting, that is genuine, that has real emotion, that has so much emotional energy to touch your inner being, instead of letting the music just wash over you. to really love others, love God, and to be a person of genuineness. I mean when you listen to songs like 'The Scientist' and the organicity of it all, it just makes you want to cry, and be nice to people again.

sigh. i feel like Henchard sometimes. just so isolated. but thank God there are still little friends around.

Today's SES message was really good. It was the story of Lazarus, Martha and Mary in Bethany with Jesus, and how Mary poured the expensive perfume that was worth a year's wages on Jesus' feet. John chapter 12 i think. And pastor talked about the many ways we can show love to God, be it serving (Martha), talking(Lazarus), or doing what Mary did. It was about extravagant love, as Mary showed, doing what Jesus called a 'beautiful thing', out of the gratitude of their hearts for the resurrection of Lazarus. That extravagant display of love, is from abundance, of splendour and beauty, is what one would call 'first class', not out of mere adequacy, but going out-of-the-way, giving Him the first fruits. After all in heaven, aren't the streets paved with gold? Extravagance? But God deserves the best!

SIgh. I feel changed. okay let's hope this keeps up!