I have to apologise for my behaviour in life. For not being present, being there for people, and remaining detached and aloof in front of them, not bringing them into my life and opening up my world to them, not being interested in them, for that matter. Not being interested in their life and all that. So I guess it's no one's fault if I'm just cut off from the world, alienated, and when all i get is hies and friendly goodbyes. You deserve what you get, I deserve mine. I realised I'm not the good friend I once was, last time, caught up in too many things, in trying to get the most out of the good time you have because you really don't have any time left after all that studying in JC (RJC stifles you, it really does), and then you get hard-up and all that, and you care too much about yourself and not enough for others.

crap man I have to change.

Wen en was right when he said that i was spreading myself too thin. because I wasn't investing in people, no one invested in me. No one's interested in whether I get into SMU or what university or how my future will be. or who I'm dating, (Which is no one, incidentally). No one really cares, why, because maybe I didn't care too much about them, I wasn’t interested. I didn’t allow them to come into my world and share the moments with me. So what can I say but, sucks to myself. Spreading myself too thin is that result. Lots of little friends, but gone are the bosom friends I once had.

I know I still care for them. I just don’t express it very well. But I’ll be there, even in the moody times. Things go so wrong, but I’ll be there. I think about these things sometime, but few people really think nowadays, do they. We used to, once, like when you were 13 and 14 and just growing up and discovering life together and all the wonderful things together, playing soccer, laughing, why.

now they dont' call you out to talk over coffee. it's just, okay let's go pubbing or watch a movie. no, i haven't watched a movie in ages also, maybe because there isn't anyone to watch with.

i dread saturdays because of that. because no guy in his right mind puts me as a 'first option'. i am usually the last option.

i am speaking honestly, by the way.

no one calls me so i am lonely. isolated. i hate saturdays. oh i said that already.



i used to have solid groups of friends that were close and we'll all get together and talk about life and everything was fun and all that. but people get girlfriends and boyfriends and they're stuck in camp and have their own groups of friends. tis the problem with going to RJ. you haven't moved on, but they have (the ac people). they've moved on so far to new worlds that you'd only wish you'd have.

and so i wait for better things and better hopes for the future. there's still some confidence in me that i can do it. i can make it this time. because i can turn it on and then things will be better. i'll be the life of the party again.


i wrote a song. songs like that, are genuine.

good night.