It was supposed to last but I know some things wouldn't. Especially when you stray it's harder to come back. At least I believe, I believe. I have always believed and I will always believe. Some things wouldn't change, not when you've experienced it. It's just that the conditions change somewhat. i'm not sure if they were meant to change, but they just did.

oh heck the melancholia. it always ruins everything. always leaves everything dry and discarded and withered, as though you were just waiting to die, clinging on to your dear life, looking at the past and hope it doesn't slip away. that's the problem about looking back. it can only go downhill. surmising your life and wondering how you ever got to such a sad state from where you were must be so depressing. and since your frame of reference was the past, you'll never be able to match it anyway.
so you ask stupid questions like:

'why can't life be like last time?'

and you don't realise that, maybe if you stopped being so negative and started looking at what you could do in the future, of course things can be much better, if you'd only opened your eyes, and started looking at life. frustration and irreverance gets me nowhere, mister, you just have to work at the little bits and pieces and start over from there. and nothing is more disturbing than fear. fear has motivated so much, but promised so little. fear, like looking back, fear of losing everything.

i have just rediscovered 'belle and sebastian' again. i've been reading their blog. no wonder they actually write good music. i'd like to think it's a product of believing in God and also actually thinking about life. too many bands simply play, they hardly think or feel. but listening to 'fox in the snow' and 'get me away from here i'm dying', i got a small sense that they actually knew where they were coming from. it's timeless music that's designed to last.

today was oddly chummy. it was prancing down waterloo street with my camp prayer group singing phantom of the opera tracks. or singing 'dip it low'. or playing with the food or the water at the really nice restaurant that we went to, courtesy of shang's good recommendation. for your info, it's at the old mg along waterloo street, brilliant place, fantastic food. it was forgetting your cares and thinking:
if these are my friends, they'd accept who I am. i'm too tired to pretend any longer. i'm too tired to pretend I'm cool, I'm classy, I'm calculated, when I am really just a bundle of nerves and emotions.

I find pretending rather wasteful. especially to the mind.