I suck.

Crap life sucks.

I need perserverence not to be derailed by success but realise that life is a constant experience, and once you reach the heights of the mountains why do you keep falling down into the valleys? how much more difficult is it to climb up then to drop down? when gravity submerges everything into a meaningless experience and, for one day, you break through the clouds, and you realise how beautiful life can be... why do you keep submerging yourself? why don't you want to fly, to swim, to dream?

because i am afraid, shawn. because i am afraid that i would do something extremely stupid. because i'm afraid that my mind, like all creative thoughts, blackened in dark and green and orange, finds outlets to run to, and i'm not sure i can come back. the faith is wearing of, and i need to come back to the familiar. but the familiar is being destroyed. the familiar of green and old and the familiarity of home. the old forest is being destroyed, now. replaced by new forests. but new forests have no roots, it builds no roots into the mind.

fine fine be like that. hais.

'i'm clinging on to the last great hope
i know i'll fall and there's so much more
but i need you, i won't do.
your love's so big and wonderful
how can i ever be a part of you?
it's painful.'



hmms. i have to change.

hey listen to 'nobody's fault but my own', brilliant song. beck.