I like being sick.
I'm sadist.
I think, being sick gives you an aim, to be well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on the one big pressing thing looming on my mind -- to be physically well.
It makes me forget the rest of my emotional and mental problems to focus on whether, or when, my sore throat would heal.

I have to learn to stop crucifying myself.
I used to do all that rubbish...I'd crucify myself again because I loved living in the past, and so if the present is lousy, all you cling on to is the past, and the past was good, so perhaps I'd think the present and the future would never be as good, so to amplify how nice the past was, I'd crucify myself again, and then, self fulfilling, the present would never be as good, so won't I want to live in the past?

God helps, but these old cycles keep coming back. These mental intellectual failures. These things which have no logical sense, are or not supported by any theological backings or Biblical truths, but are just product of old habit, old habit that forms and dies up but sways and sashays ever so unwantedly in your mind again just as you were on the brink of recovery, and of the hope that everything wonderful will come back again, and a lot of peace may evolve. But however no one understands how messed up our minds are, or how hard we try to find that little peace inside. Or the immense torment of trying to rid ourselves of wrong perspectives and lies which you have slowly entertained, which are lies. The more you grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers, and one day you suddenly find out that life isn't the way you want it. The hope and joy is gone. Where is the love that you once knew? All riddled in lies and wrong perspectives.

I'm embarassed at myself, fighting with my inner demons, fighting with my enemies, fighting with these thoughts in my head. Fighting and fighting. Sigh, maybe I want to relax, maybe I want repose, maybe I want to run back to the arms of my God and cling for help and ask Him to take it all away because I'm done fighting, I'm too tired.

Sometimes life comes and life goes. But the constancy of life is something I have to hold on to. If everything were so ephemeral and superfluous and truth is so subjective life would be a madness, but then there are everlasting truths, such as what God says in the Word, but then again the mind is rebelling, the mind questions, the mind wants to take an alternate stand. And then I am stuck in chains again.

I have to break out. Break out.

God help me. I love myself. I love my God and my Jesus. I don't want Him to be sad by living in the lies when the truth will set me free. That everything good comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil. To resist the lies of the devil and realise how wonderful my life will be because nothing can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. That my Jesus, whom I know, who is faithful, whom I used to have a relationship with (and still have, not by my own efforts), still loves me, despite my running aways. That He blessed my life with blessings which I should be so grateful for, but then I'm like the prodigal son, running away running away when already the greatest treasure is here.

The greatest treasure is before me. The treasure of heaven, the treasure of knowing God himself, and the wonderful peace, comfort, love, justice, mercy, that flows from His throne. So why am I still running away? Can I not test God anymore?










Law really sucks, im sitting down here blogging like a madman during my SLS. If you're a lecturer, i'm sorry, but this is democracy.