never show a tear
for then, you are weak - this is (1)
and if you are weak
no one will respect you
no one gives a damn
about how you feel - only about how you behave
and we all know
that there is injustice - and we all feel
unjust laws are a manifestation of our own selfish human nature
our hopes and desires let them fester
these are only your desires.
am i really that morally bad?
what is morally anyway.
am i really that bad?
it's your own expectations of me - i'm not doing something bad in the sense of depriving you of something reasonable.
it's just your own expectations of me - for me - but why hit me - to bring about something good? i'm tired of the hittings. i'm gripped by fear when the things start because i know nothing good will come out of this - again - i must not fear - refer to (1). (it is supposed to rhyme)

ah so you are talking super loudly.
yes
i cannot be trusted.
yes
im a demon
yes
im the scum of the world
yes you're talking so loud so i can hear it
i can hear everything you say
but if i let it affect me see (1)
then you will say
ah you are so weak so i have to take matters into my hands for your sake
and handhold me.

so yes
i'm not blessed because i'm disobedient.
but then again
its not that i want to be, disobedient.
but then some of the laws are arbitrary. unjust. there is no rational basis. no reason.
just. up to your whim and fancy, and i am bowed down to that - that you call - your law.
of the house
and oh. so i have to grovel.
notice that im not challenign your authority, but your improper use of it, for a lack of a better word.
and so i ask
why do i have to do this (listen to your directive)
and then you say
because i say so.
so if you say that then okay it's the end of it - and it's not that
there is any form of moral directive - even though let's say obeying you is the moral obligation - but then -
it is perhaps about "stop doing this now" - and why? - because i like it - or - because you should do it - which makes no sense if you can't say why one should do it or not - especially if it is something trivial such as - why you should sleep early, or stop playing com games. or something. which really has no bearing on real life at all. unless you make it an issue, of course.
then some people wil give the argument that - eh - you know - you should submit anyway.
sorry i'm not mature enough to be submissive. because i feel submission (rightly or wrongly) is subjudication.
sure everything is good for me - but the way i see it - while often there is the "oh, i'm sad that you don't want to listen to me coz i'm sad for you coz you will suffer" - which is proper and which i will generally accept as being morally right and acceptable - often you get the "i'm angry coz you don't want to listen to me, me, me!" and then they get angry coz the ego is bruised.
you get that alot sometimes - we all have fragile egos, bless my souls. (it is rhyming)
so because you get this ego thing, it is subjudication, isn't it?

because you can't be comfortable in yourself - so you need something else - to fill that gap - and maybe authority over me - is a good way - to fill that gap - so i need authority over someone else also - but then again.
no!
no!
no!
im not going to stoop down to your means!
i already have, by blogging about this
i have let my emotions take control
i have let myself go
and be angry
and be
resentful
and it's not even the right kind of anger
because
it's so selfish

and i know i'm going to regret this
because ultimately we cannot escape the laws of the Almighty one
nor fail to give Him the glory that He deserves
but sometimes, i'm too weak not to give in to my emotions.
those that scream out of my sinful depraved soul.

but then i pray to Christ
and He tells me He's forgiven me and chosen me
and I start to cry. - yes i can cry sometimes
and i know that there is something truly moral about it
and truly lawful and truly true.
something stirs up within me, in my soul, a stirring
of life
and i find myself again.

oh.
the woes of life.