Christ, I wish that you would just take away these impulses. These silent impulses , that quietly creep into your subconscious, that tells you thoughts that you do not want to hear. That rages themselves against you till you succumb and then be plagued by the greatest fear. And then I ask for forgiveness but I cannot get the words out right – they are too disjointed – they get cut off – they never finish the sentence and never come to fruition – Christ I remember Your words and kindness and love once upon a time – the time when I was in Your arms and when I hang on like a baby, close to You and just letting Your light shine on me. It was nice, I remembered, genuinely nice and warm and loving and full of love and it was, just, good. I remembered lying there saying that You will never leave me for the rest of my life and how You whisper that You love me. And how You whispered to me those truths I would never forget – but now, what has happened now? I’m so far away – I am just chasing shadows, chasing little voices of you that really just could be my own voice – and I’m not sure. I can’t trust myself – it could just be me. I wish it were You. But it is You, You say – I just have to realize – and grow – and trust – it will be okay, it will be okay. I just need to know that it will be okay. It has to.

-Prayer from an OCD boy


So He has forgiven me and He has said "I forgive you shawn" and hugged me and said that I am His. That I am "my shawn" and not just "shawn" or any other "shawn" on the street but His. I hope it doesn't change. sigh.