People always ask me how come I don't seem genuinely happy. To be honest, from an outsider's perspective, it would seem rather easy for me - I am, after all, talented in music (not as much as some people but sufficiently so, by the grace of God), not too bad looking (except a bit fat), have a decent job (as a lawyer now), a good family (not a broken one, as my mother would keep reminding me), have loads of friends (although mostly acquaintances and only a few close ones), etc.
But do they know the struggle inside? The struggle that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, a disorder of the brain that creates thoughts that do not seem to want to resolve itself, BAD THOUGHTS that keep floating in my mind and refuses to leave. It is by the grace of JESUS that I still live, and still stand alive today. I spoke with Christ about this OCD and he told me that "my grace is sufficient for you" (this was circa Saturday morning, before my visit to my shrink). "My grace is sufficient for you" - what a wonderful promise. Everytime I speak to Christ he tells me in love to "put my helmet of salvation on" and that he calls me dear, "dear Shawn" - that I am dearly loved. The perennial question is NOT to let my illness destroy the hope that I have in Christ - the hope that still is deep within me that is born out of GOD and not out of men. The hope that does not stem from simple things of the world, but of a deeper sense that God has planted the seed of hope in me, and it cannot be destroyed.
To that note, I repeat Stuart Townend's song, "there is a hope", which states impressively what this whole "hope" is about. Something unflinching, something that never dies, and never ends.
Good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment