smile!

2003-02-18 - 9:54 p.m.

Things are much clearer now, it seems, after a day filled with languid laziness and complacency and a real lack of interest in life, making me feel like a real fake scholar by any means. Well, it's nicer now, perhaps because of a nice little nap that I took which was simply enjoyable, I didn't have to think or dream, I just had to regain my composure, again, which was really quite nice. I sort of realised that it's the moods now that you really need.

And I was just thinking about moods and how we can't just brand people as nice or not-so-nice, it's all really a phase of our consciousness that we go through that just happens. And well a same person can be extremely nice or just bo-chap depending on his moods and all, [check out the diary entry 'won't it be strange when we're all fully grown]? And yet cynicism creeps in when I realised that really people can talk all about love and how we should empathise and all, but in the end there is so much vested interest in what we do, or what we say, that we are all selfish individuals anyway. Perhaps religion should change that mindset totally into a love for others before yourself, but then maybe it sometimes fails, and maybe it's only the reward of Heaven and God's approval that will keep us going to love and all. material incentives. but I hope it's not so true. I want to believe that people can love just the way they are. I don't know why, but it seems like all of us want to get the most out of life, the more the better, that kind of thing, that's why people go all out to try to gain something out of life for themselves, perhaps at the expense of others.

But somehow there's an irony about it all that is rather nice. The times that we render to ourselves the least and open out to others is perhaps the times when we benefit the most out of life, like the Bible says 'Tis better to give than to receive', and I wonder why? Maybe it's because we try too hard all the time and it's only when we learn to let go can others help us in return.

But mood swings are really bad. But perhaps it all stems from people wanting more of their lives. When people are on the high, it seems like they want more of the fun, more of the happiness and more of the laughter, and of course there is a limit to how much of that you can get, since there is always a limit, no matter what. We become desensitised to it. Fun that could be of great great utility when one is in a normal state seems like nothing when one is on a high. It's diminishing marginal utility of fun. So, what do we do? The only way is then down. We believe the change to be good because we want to gain utility by experiencing the sorrow as well. Maybe we move into artistic realms but that's a different story. That's why people also love languishing in their downs. It's a welcome change from the humdrum of it all. It's probably a little nice too, in a perverse way. This is, to make the ups feel much better. And so, when, inevitably, one gets tired of being down, and the ups come, the happiness received and experienced is much higher and much nicer, and of course it brings the cycle back to the start. So perhaps that's why we're all going through ups and downs, only because it makes life interesting.

Still, I wanna get back my childlikeness. To laugh and smile like nature when it laughs and smiles, at every little thing, knowing how silly I must be and laughing at myself. Haven't been able to do that in weeks. Finding my own little voice again which was silent for far too long. And looking back at life and thinking that it was quite good after all. Going into life, into things, as enthusiastically and joyfully as when I started out and finding life was pretty interesting. Away from this humdrum. This plateau. Inertia. To be brave and strong and venturing into the world and knowing that if I fail at least I tried to do something with the best of intentions. That child-like-ness. That faith like a child that tomorrow will care for itself.

It's such a nice feeling. I wondered what took me so long to snap out of that.