Jesus is really so faithful. i've doubted so many times, but everytime i go to Him in prayer and just confessed personally He's never failed at all. i trust Him to get me through this. to restore. i prayed that He would let me have fellowship with Him again and let me feel instead of think. and really i just enjoyed such a nice fellowship on my way home and i could actually feel the Lord again, instead of just thinking. it's as though i could connect with God again. sometimes it gets very spiritually dry, but He answers prayers even though i don't deserve any to be answered. i mean nothing beats knowing Him i suppose. knowing that hey Jesus is my Shepherd and He's still there even though i'm so damn unfaithful and so doubtful over my own standing with God you know. sigh.
i think the whole problem was really like what pastor cynthia said; i had a very roman-catholic view of Christianity. because the whole problem started with the verse of 'away i don't know you' which really started instiling alot of fear, because i was so afraid i wasn't good enough. but i thiink Jesus Himself was showing me something last wednesday (see the last post) and that we're saved, I'm saved, by grace and faith alone and not by works, He's trying to set me free from the slavery of trying to prove myself. I dont' have to, because of who He is and what He's already done on the cross and well i've already received it and stuff and so well i'm already righteous coz of Jesus and not of my own. sigh. i just misread that verse so much. and the thing is that soemtimes i doubt that Jesus wants me but then the verse came that God wants all to be saved and if i have received, which i have, then he's not going to say no u're not good enough because thats not who Jesus is He wants me anyway and now that I'm His he's not going to say ah shawn you're such a sinner (Which i am) and just kick me out. i mean after that verse i just had such a strict judgement view of Jesus that He would just gauge all our sins and see whether we deserve to go to heaven or not. i really misintepreted it, that's y the whole 6 months i was living in such fear of doing anything wrong or sinful, until my whole view of God was so skewed and i didn't have any freedom. i was living under what was the yoke of slavery. but now Jesus is showing me something that He loves me for who I am coz of what He has done.


now to some other stuff. less important, i suppose. but perhaps you might be bored to listen to me talk about my spiritual life and my relationship with God all the time. maybe you'd like to hear something else.


1. i may decide to give up drinking. i think drinking just places immense pressure on your brain. i don;'t think God really wants that. mm. i went to brewerkz and we were having a roll of a time but after that i got really woozy.

2. mahjong's fun. so's sudoku. i dont' know, getting the brain working again?

3. blue bar and bistro at central malls' the works, it' sgot really nice music and really cheap wine and what more can you ask for? not a place to spot the ladies, though.


i don't know i think we're all just in a limbo i just need some entertainment! argh.